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Daily Dads #129: Candor for More Meaningful Childhood Conversations

Daily Dads #129:

Today the Daily Dads explore themes of gratitude, vulnerability, and resilience in parenting. They discuss the importance of acknowledging personal struggles, the dynamics of conflict within families, and the necessity of allowing children to make mistakes as part of their growth. The conversation emphasizes the value of community support and the significance of asking for help, both for oneself and in teaching children to do the same.


Takeaways from today:

  • Gratitude can be expressed in various forms, including appreciation for family and community.
  • Vulnerability in sharing personal struggles can foster deeper connections.
  • Conflict in relationships is normal and can be a learning opportunity for children.
  • Children are resilient and often bounce back quickly from family conflicts.
  • Asking for help is a crucial skill that should be modeled for children.
  • Mistakes are essential for growth and should be celebrated as learning experiences.
  • Creating a safe space for open communication is vital in parenting.
  • Direct questions can lead to more meaningful conversations with children.
  • It's important to recognize that children may not dwell on conflicts as much as adults do.
  • Building a community of support can enhance parenting experiences.


Keywords: gratitude, vulnerability, parenting, resilience, conflict, community, asking for help, mistakes, emotional intelligence, family dynamics, Ryan Holiday, Vaynerchuck, GaryVee, VeeFriends, VeeDads, DailyDads, Daily Dads


Other Resources:

Daily Dad by Ryan Holiday: https://dailydad.com/

Daily Stoic by Ryan Holiday: https://dailystoic.com/

VeeFriends: https://veefriends.com/


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VeeDads is Daily Dads = health, mindset, connection to build confidence in all Dads and parents

Join VeeDads, Blaze Hirsch, Dom Rouzaud, and Ryan Turner, every morning at 8:30 est on Twitch. We cover a daily meditation from Ryan Holiday’s, “The Daily Dad”. Our community joins live in the chat and shares their insights as well. Feel free to join us. Catch replays of the live discussion on the VeeDads podcast through Spotify or Apple Podcasts. 


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Ryan Turner

ryanturner@foodisfuelnyc.com

Broadcast on:
10 Oct 2024
Audio Format:
other
(upbeat music) - Start again. We got inside Jum today. - Good morning. - Good night, Jum. - Any Jum. - Have a good light. - Good man, you're not good. So it's always a good thing. I always say, and just so you know, whenever I say he's getting arrested, if he sits in his car in the morning and then the lights of the street super, I think it's going off and it always looks like you're getting. - Yeah, yep, they cleaned the parking lot that I'm in in the morning 'cause people trash it overnight. - And I'm glad that they cleaned it up. Good morning to the couch. The couch we got, we got Nate, we got MP, we got Dom is already here. We got David too. Dylan, hello, hello, hello guys. We love you and just know that if you're here and you're showing up that you are a different breed, different caliber of person because I know that you are working on yourself physically, mentally, all those things and we love to do it with you guys. So can I get this chair any higher? Oh, they can, can I? Nope, that's not it. Anyway, it doesn't matter. Let's start with gratitude. What we got for gratitude? Hey, chat, let's throw the gratitude in. Let's definitely think about it. Family, finances, fitness, fun. What are some things on gratitude that we can definitely hit? We can bring some of that to our life. Oh, David, I found it. I'm higher. What do you got, Dom? What is your gratitude? You know, I'm always, I'm always thankful for my in-laws. It's great to have a place to hang out close to work every, every other day. I dropped them off of the airport 'cause they're going to the Caribbean's for a friend's wedding. So I get to hang out here, do this call in a normal situation or circumstance. Go on a long walk. Take a nice, nice, long shower and then go to work instead of basically wiping myself down and changing in a parking lot. So it'll be a good fresh start to the day. I have a big proposal meeting around 11.30. So it worked out really good, really great. And then I, after that meeting, I'll go home and then my daughter has her band concert that she's been practicing for all school year. So super excited to see that. So it's gonna be a good day. - Hey, I want to send some positive vibes out for a proposal meeting. And we've put stuff together for a proposal. That's a lot of creative time thinking, strategizing. So I hope you get it. I want, I want my friends to eat. So if you get that, if you get his job with that proposal, man, life's only any better for all of us. So send a positive vibes out to you. And if you are in Southern California and you are looking to, you know, Dom is an amazing guy. And his business is thriving because he is such an amazing contractor. So keep an eye out. Chair was too high. If we have gratitude on the couch, Dom. Nate doesn't like the couch. Something about his butt. - I don't really understand what's going on here, but-- - Because he thinks I'm sitting on a couch right now. It's actually a reclining chair. So you're good, Nate. - This couch is giving me some grandparent vibes. - It is. - It is very much. - I think it's very comfortable. When I think of a couch, I picture all of us sitting on a couch. We're all kind of talking. One, I think we have multiple couches, not just one couch. I feel like we're all gonna be facing each other. And in this room, when we're on the couch sitting together, I see in my eyes, well, as I close them in my mind, I'm seeing us sitting. There's three couches right now. There's one love seat. I don't know if we didn't love seat yet, but then there's two longer couches and there's a coffee table in the middle. And in the coffee table, first thing that just hit me right now is pretzels. We have pretzels in the coffee table, but I'm thinking we have like two leather couches that are somewhat comfortable, but like we're not really sure if they're comfortable. And then we have a love seat that like everyone kind of wants to sit on, but it's kind of like uncomfortably close, but it's pretty nice. So that's what our couch situation is gonna be today. And that's sort of like, but I didn't say my gratitude yet. You know what? If I can, if I can. Cause I think this is a really big part of guys and men come together now, of course moms, women were all V dads, right? But I'm gonna take the gratitude to a different way for right now. And if it's okay, cause I think it's a little bit of a vulnerability and you know, something that really sticks with me is I was having a conversation is actually, you know, this isn't the first time to come up, but I was having a conversation actually on the V dads podcast with a therapist just to get some insight into, you know, the men's mentality and all that kind of stuff. But the one thing I think that resonated in the way he said it just used some different words is whenever you're looking to help someone else, I think asking for help yourself is the best way to do it. Because I want people to open up when I, I love questions and having a conversation, but I think if no one is actually opening up first, who's gonna start that? And I think that one thing I was just thinking about, I know, and this is not gratitude whatsoever. But the vulnerability is like, I know that my wife and I, we had a pretty bad argument fight last night. You know, I think it was in front of the kids too and it was definitely something that was a little bit hard. And you know, I ended up going out for a really long walk as you know, bedtime had kind of shifted and all that kind of stuff too. And it was just, it was a hard night and there really wasn't much of a resolution just yet. And it was just a hard one. But I think sometimes you can hop on here. I think we just, we talked gratitude and we talked this like really cool book and we talked about our community. But I think sometimes we don't actually put out the vibes of, you know, I'm having a hard time and it was definitely a really hard time last night and it's still kind of like is in that moment. So, you know, not looking for any, so much feedback right now. But just wanna say, yeah, if you guys are having a hard time with anyone at home and your situation, whatever's happening, you're not alone on it. And, you know, I think that there could be a branch of that conversation here at some point too. So, you know, you guys love your friendship, please. Yeah, that's for that. - Yeah, no problem at all. Yeah, I mean, I agree like before you started that, it like sometimes, like sometimes I don't think we realize how helpful it is to the other person to ask them for help. Like just that, like it's like the gift of giving, right? It's kind of like that. It's the feeling of, you know, like you're, if I'm asking you for help and you help me, I'm getting something out of it, but you're also getting out of it. The pleasure of being able to even just listen to me, even if you, even if what you say doesn't help, like we're all feeling a lot better that you opened up to us. You told us about a moment and that leads us to being able to tell you about our moments that we've created this space for each other where anyone can, you know, talk to each other about anything. And, you know, and that's just, that's the beauty of it. Like David said, that's the beauty of vulnerability. That's the beauty of having a community. That's, you know, that's the great thing. - Yeah, and you know what I'm for sharing. - Yeah, I guess I'm not really staying true to wanting to open up a conversation 'cause I think, you know, even just what you said too. Asking for help is the best way to help someone else, right? So, well, I think just sharing is the vulnerable thing. I'd be like, yeah, really, you know, I would say not a really great fight. Like sometimes I think that not so much an argument, but I would definitely say some sort of conflict. And we even talked about this recently because I'm editing so many videos, but we talked about it in a conversation whether being some sort of conflict or some sort of debate within a family, especially at a dinner table and how really beneficial it could definitely be. This was none of that. This was, you know, all out kind of like argument, yelling fight, especially in front of the kids. And at a time of night that I think is a very important time for kids to feel very taken care of. It was, you know, just, it was just not good. But how do you, how do you guys approach a conversation? You know, are you guys really, are you, you guys have those arguments? You guys really have a hard time kind of revisiting that. I mean, so many times in therapy people have said like, oh, you're going to have a fight, but you know what, at the end of the fight, make sure that you come together and you talk, when you plan, when you're going to get back together and talk about it and resolve it. I'm like, that sounds so beautiful. But like, I don't have to wear with all in that moment to be like, okay, at 945, let's get back together. Like, unlike, like, I don't, I, there's so much of a vibe and an energy for me that the energy needs to then become like situated almost on its own, it's hard. So, you know, I, of course, would want to come back together and talk about it, but it's really hard to get to that point. But, you guys have a hard time doing that or do you? - Oh, no, a hundred percent. Like when, and I think you had said something the other day where you're like, I know myself enough to know that like, when I'm getting sarcastic, I'm getting pretty close. And I know that's maybe not what this moment was, but I understand what you're saying. Like, sometimes you, you get so far into it with your wife. It starts small and it builds. And, you know, at some point, one of you just has to leave and walk out of the situation if you can't get far enough. And especially if you're in an environment where you can't actually have like that full-on talk. And so I think a lot of times, in our household, we protect our kids or we do it as much as we can not around them. That's more of my wife's choice and wish. So it'd be, but it's still like the energy's still there, right? So it becomes a silent household. You know, mom and dad are inviting, right? Whatever you have. And then we come back together, you know, when the kids are away or when we have time or when we can sneak off to the bedroom and talk. But yes, I know what you're saying. Like, you get to a point where you, like nothing's, nothing positive is gonna come anymore. You're too far into it and you gotta just step away. But, you know, like a little bit on what happened with you and your wife last night is kind of, you know, falls into what we have here today is like, you can't prevent them from making mistakes. And you and your wife may have made a mistake last night and you showed them what a mistake looks like and then now you guys get to show them how you get through it. So it's all a learning lesson, right? So, you know, no day's gonna be perfect. I think Dylan, was it Dylan in there? Sounding like maybe he had a bad day or some rough, rough day. Grateful for a new day to try again, grace for my wife, understanding for my son. So it sounds like something might have happened with him as well. So, you know, it happens. It will happen, it'll never stop happening. No matter how many daily dad conversations we have and how perfect we try to make each other. - Before I get back, I do wanna highlight some gratitude from the couch just in a second, but I think the one thing that I did see and I tried to, 'cause I think in my space, when I'm talking so much about nutrition, I work with a lot of binge eaters. And the one thing that I like to tell a lot of my binge eaters is like, you're gonna binge again. Like, to assume you're never gonna binge or you're never going to over indulge is just setting yourself up for some sort of failure because a binge or an overindulgence is not wrong. It's just, you know, us doing it without some sort of solution or understanding why it's actually happening and then you get into the frequency and the volume, all kinds of stuff too. But like, you're gonna binge again. It's the same thing as like an alcoholic, I think going into some sort of like, hey, hey, it's like, no one's going to tell you that you are never going to drink again. Is that a goal? Yeah, it's a goal, but it's definitely not gonna be part of, you know, like, there are lapses and it's gonna happen, but it's all about how you kind of come back from that. And so I'm using that extreme example is just because I know for me, I'm like, okay, I'm never gonna fight with my wife again. Like that's not a true statement. It's just not going to be, and if I think it's gonna be, it's wrong. And so for me, it's more about how we bounce back and come together and how do we resolve it and does that resolution connect with our kids? Like can our kids see that resolution if we fight in front of them and so all kinds of stuff. So anyway, I just wanted to share that. So if you guys are kind of feeling it, I hope we can kind of do that. But let's come back to the chat just really quickly. I know they had, I saw Ted Lasso over here from David. Ted Lasso, they come back from another season. Are we sure, is it actually happening? We're not sure, but walking through a guy's world and working out the trail stipulations of even what a woman experiences on that journey. - Yeah, okay. David, are you saying that you've had that Ted Lasso moment and that you're grateful for the dad's journey as in like kind of what you've gone through so far or is there more ahead of that? We're really curious. Dylan, we just talked about here, but you have the understanding. I mean, this is the resilience part of kids too. Kids are resilient to a fault. And I think that people can take advantage of that. And I think that like, my girls hurt us fight like not really well last night. They both woke up with a smile. They both loved me this morning. They both wanted to see me later. Like it wasn't as if there was much of a difference, but like that is resilience, but it's also where they didn't have to go through the mental toughness. They just either dissociate it from it or it's something where, you know, it's just like, okay, well, maybe that's just what they do, but we can't make that a regular thing for them, right? So anyway, understanding from kids, I think it's authentic. But I also, I like the grace from my wife. I know that my wife, I was so grateful for, 'cause there are things that I'm very emotional about. But we got MP over here, MP. Did anyone else see the MP celebrated Halloween with his kids? Unlike it's a time period. - I see that commented and I asked him, like what the, what the heck was going on? I mean, he didn't respond. I can't remember what he said. Something like the campground was closed around that time or it gets too cold or something like that. But that was hilarious. - Yeah. We came home from work tomorrow yesterday. They were outside playing when they saw me they came running. Oh, it's always a nice, that's just like such a, a dead moment, that's awesome man. I love it, Nate. By the way, Nate, how was your stream last night? Give us a thumbs up if you definitely can. We got gratitude over here. I don't think you truly think you'd even have to just how much of it we have yet how little is left. - All right. Yeah, it is a deep thought, it's the truth. So, but yeah, guys, thank you so much for sharing the credit. I think it's so necessary. Rewires the brain from what I want. And so it's not so scary. - Yeah, I think the other point I'll give to you is, like you said about how your kids woke up this morning with a smile on their faces. There's something that I learned that in one of the readings I can't remember, but it's like the amount of, the amount that we think other people think about us is way higher than anyone actually does. So like the amount that you think your kids actually like took in from that moment and recall that moment and will recall that moment is way more than they do. They were just like mom and dad yell last night, today's another day who I'm excited to, you know, for this outfit and to go to school. And like they're in their own other world, in their own other like selfish planet. And we all kind of are. So that was something, I don't think I said it properly, but you know, we think people think about us more than they actually do. - Yeah, I think that there's a really interesting counter argument there that I think could be had, but I know it's not the focus for right now. That's definitely good. One bit of gratitude, I think I wanna just say, and I know this is authentic, guys. I love the idea here. I know that we had atomic coffee. He had sent us some coffee over here. I actually made some cold brew last night. I'm gonna let you guys know how I did that. I'm gonna put a video up and you guys can make your own cold brew at home. I know it sounds as if it's like a pitch for atomic coffee. I think what it is, it's more in my mind, is I'm so grateful for other dads in the community that are doing things like this and highlighting them is one thing that we love to do. I know that Blaze and I have talked about how coffee in general has been like a really fun thing to kind of focus in on. So whether it's in the web three space or whatever, but thank you to atomic for sending these things. I'm drinking some of the cold brew now. But yeah, guys, please go. Another dad's business, he's out in Iowa. Great little business he has going on. But go check him out and we have like a little store in there to a little online store as well. But go check out Tom the Coffee. Really grateful that he was able to bring that to us. He sent it, nice little care package. All right, so we got that. And then what was it gonna do? Oh yeah, book, what's going on right in holiday? Somebody phone. - You can't prevent them from making mistakes. So getting into our month of resilience is basically and kind of like coming off of yesterday's reading. It's basically, let them make their mistakes. Don't swoop in and take care of everything for them. You can tell them 'til you're blue in the face all the mistakes that you've made and what they should be doing. But at the end of the day, they're probably not gonna listen to you and they're gonna go make those mistakes anyways. And that's good for them because we all know that like going through something, even if you know that it's gonna end bad or has a high probability of any bad, going through it is what actually makes it stick. And in some regards, it's actually healthy to go through that kind of stuff because you build your own resilience, you build, you know, you figure out what you're capable of, all that kind of stuff. So that's how I took it. - Yeah, it's, yeah, I think the larger message is, are you familiar with this novel that Ryan Holiday highlights? I always like who he highlights here. But there is this book over here, this novel "Sidara." I'm gonna try and say that, "Sidartha." Title character tries desperately to convince his son of the importance of this simple way of life, having learned the wisdom of it through painful experience. I, where my mind is taking, okay. You know, I also always like how Ryan Holiday kind of wraps things up a little bit. There's, so I think along with that statement, right, it's like, hey, you know, teaching your kids that you had a hard life. It's not me that they need to have a hard life. And I also think that not pushing something like, well, you have like the idea of pushing like gratitude too much on your kids, like you have to be grateful, like just tell them to be grateful I think is not right. And I think like you have to live a hard life to learn something is not the right thing either. But I think like it's all about what the three things are that he mentioned here, which I really liked, which gives me like where I can connect things. I always love to bucket thoughts. Okay, what am I taking away from this? I love like the one, two, three, where are those? But Ryan Holiday wraps this up at the end and he says, basically you can take solace in the knowledge that you've instilled these three things, character awareness and willingness to ask for help. If I'm really looking to do something right now, I'm thinking about, okay, well, how can I build resiliency? Well, those three things, you know, again, I'm gonna say the character awareness and willingness to ask for help. I mean, the third one to me is huge, which maybe is why, you know, me asking this morning or sharing a little bit of vulnerability and wanting to help by asking for help. I think is important because I, the worst moment that I have had as a dad, I think two moments where I've kind of like felt my daughter not knowing how to ask for help. I think she felt uncomfortable not knowing what to do. So she's now frozen and all she had to do was ask for help. There's one moment in school with like some school work that I actually saw and it was another moment where I think she was like on the playground somewhere, she was doing something, she was like moving around and like she was stuck and she couldn't move and she was scared and she was crying. All she had to do was ask for help 'cause obviously, and it wasn't that I didn't want to, but it was a like, okay, it wasn't a stop, don't stop the struggle moment. Obviously, if she's so overwhelmed I want to help out, but she didn't know to ask for help, she just didn't know. And so, if not knowing where to turn or knowing that asking for help is the answer to kind of get through a hard moment, like that is my biggest worry for my girls because that I think is where people just turn in on themselves and there's guilt and there's shame and there's isolation and that's not what I want for my kids. So if they can learn to ask for help by us, by us showing them that one is okay to ask for help, but also asking for help ourself, I think is so important, right? How can you ask for help? It's okay to ask for help, when do you ask for help? How do you ask for help? What is help? Like all of these kind of things and I just worry so much that my girls would ever go through a world where help is not available or help is not something I'd ask for. So anyway, I'll step off the soapbox with that one. I like those three takeaways. - Yeah, I'm not sure, I'm trying to think of a situation where like I've had that happen, I feel like I almost feel like my kids ask for too much help. And so it's more on the opposite end of that spectrum where they sometimes seem like helpless at times. But then again, they mean that's not true 'cause I've watched them handle whatever they need to handle. So I don't know, it runs the gamut. I feel like some days there, some days they need their helicopter parents and some days they don't. I'm here to learn and I'm here for it. And you guys know that I have 16 years, I've been a parent, but still learning every day. So no one's gonna get it. And at the end of the day, as long as we're still there for them and like it says, supporting them. And in their corner whenever they need us, whenever they need to ask for help, they know that they can. We're all ahead of the game. - David, when you say this, I'm a dad of daughters and I'm always asking them for direction. Are you asking for help? Are you asking, I know you're saying direction and there's no need to, I think. - What's the word I'm looking for? What's the word for using different words? Can't think of it, so get semantics. I don't wanna play with semantics here. But when you're asking them for direction, are you asking them for help? And I think the hard thing too is how do we ask them for help? I recently learned this and I thought it was really good and I tried it out in my girls 'cause I always wanna ask them questions and I guess it's getting up from help. But someone was like, don't ask your kids, these more general kind of questions. Don't ask them things where they have to kind of create the question and the answer. Ask them something really directly. Like how was your day? Like I hate that question personally. How was your day 'cause like you're to me when someone asks, hey, how was your day or how are you doing or what's new? I'm like, I'm not your monkey. Like I'm not gonna now put together this story for you to entertain you. Like that's actually how I feel I hate that. That was a nice question at all. But if someone asks me more directly and I use it on my girls too, what was the thing that one of your best friends did for you today or what was the scariest thing or where did you fail today? Or you know, what in your lunch do you not want again? Like those direct questions. It's, I think that's the most engaging thing. I think, I'm also, guys, I really despise something in the world. One, the biggest thing I despise is when someone says no one's talking about this because someone's talking about something somewhere. You just haven't tried hard and have to go find it. But number two is usually small talk. Small talk in terms of like, hey, whenever I'm with someone and the conversation goes to weather, I'm like, why the fuck do we talk about weather right now? Like this is so dumb. Like let's just go do something else. But I think my ADHD kicked in. But with asking those questions, David, I was back on you. When you are asking them, are you asking them for help basically? Are you asking for the help as a dad? Or are you asking for help to understand them more? Or what exactly is it? I think it's definitely, I just want to say, I don't know. I just have questions about that. How is your day? Best answer gets fine. Yeah, it's just, it's always a tough one for me. I have really hard to hard time. Yeah, it is, it is definitely both. Anyway, resiliency with kids. Dumb, pulling back in with this last minute that we have. I mean, you know, just enjoy the mistakes. Celebrate them. You know, they're all, they're all lessons. You know, and they got to do it. And, you know, at the end of the day, you, you know, just be thankful that you got that experience and that you, you know, you survived it, whatever it is. So, yeah, go make mistakes with your kids and go celebrate their mistakes. Go ask them what makes, maybe go ask them what mistakes they made. Yeah, you know what? I would love kind of a challenge, but if anyone can go ask your kids, I'm going to go do this with my kids. What, what mistakes did you make today? Or like, I mean, I think the, I think the popular question sometimes is like, oh, like, what did you fail at today? I think it's a important question. But what mistakes did you end up making today? Because I think that if we ask them what's a mistake that you felt like you made today or what's a mistake that you think that you made, I think it would be a great time to then be able to support them by asking for help or show them like, "Well, you made a mistake. "How did you ask for help?" Or, you know, "Did you ask for help even?" I think those are definitely good. Yeah, and don't ask me about the weather. That's not really the case. I think when, when conversation just slowly transitions into weather, that's what I'm saying, David and me. But anyway, all right. That was good. That was good. A little bit of therapy session for me. I'm feeling good right now. But thanks so much, guys. I so appreciate you. How many people we got? We had 18 people on my daily dads watching in. Oh, guys. And, you know what, guys, on either my daily dads or my personal cat, food is who I might say. If you want to be part of the couch, jump in the chat, have anything to share. If you guys want to just be part of everything, hop over to Twitch if you want to, and let us know what's going on, 'cause we'd love for you guys to join the conversation. So, but we're here every morning, 8.30 Eastern, 5.30 Pacific. We'll see you tomorrow. Guys, we hope that your mugs are filled with coffee and your hearts, where we at, V-dads. With gratitude. All right, guys. Love you guys. We'll see you tomorrow.