The Lizard Review
Always Throw Spilled Salt Over Your Left Shoulder, And Other Lessons
(upbeat music) - Welcome back to the Lizard Review, a weekly music extravaganza hosted by a lizard. And that's me, my name is Madeline, boys, girls and days. It's birthday week, it is birthday week. My birthday is on October 10th. So of course, today isn't literally my birthday. But, and I encourage everyone else to adopt this exact philosophy as well. One's birthday is not simply one day of the year, nay. It is the entire week in which one's birthday resides. And everyone needs to start practicing birthday week. And your birthday begins on the Sunday preceding your birthday. And then the entire week after your birthday until the next Sunday. So yes, at this point on October 11th, when this is posting, it is still my birthday. As such, I am not at home at this time, and you may be wondering to yourselves, hang on a second. It's Friday, October 11th. If nothing else, the Charlie XCX Brat Remix album just came out, and surely we should be talking about that. Nay, you see, on October the 9th, I disappeared into the atmosphere. I went poof in a cloud of smoke, and I haven't been seen since. When you go poof, there is no time to listen to new music. Case in point, my reaction and review of the Charlie XCX Brat Remix record will not be appearing until Sunday the 13th, which has a nice ring to it actually. We're doing Brat on the 13th. Now, if I am doing Brat Remix record for Sunday, and if I, at this point, when I'm recording this, haven't even heard the remix record, then what the ever-living hell are we talking about on this Friday the 11th of October? Well, it's funny you should ask. There is a tradition that I've taken up on my birthday, every year, which is that I watch one of my favorite movies on my birthday, almost every birthday that I have. And this is just kind of to make the day a little bit more special. And there's two that I usually pick from. The first of those two is Ghostbusters, which, as we know, is the greatest movie ever made and has never been done since and can never be done again. Because people today just don't have the vernacular to make a film of that caliber. Ghostbusters is truly my favorite movie of all time. I could watch it over and over and over and over again. And in fact, I do watch it over and over and over again. I've seen it probably a million times in my life, and it never gets old. I fucking love that movie. And multiple times over, have I watched that movie on my birthday? Ghostbusters is the kind of goofy, campy, but still a little bit creepy option. Honestly, I feel like Ghostbusters, me and my favorite movie, says a lot about my personality, which you will understand if you've ever seen it. And I do love to watch it on my birthday. First of all, because it makes me happy. And second of all, because it makes me laugh. But there is another film out there that I have watched multiple times over on my birthday. And that is a little film from 1998, entitled Practical Magic. And that is the movie that I have chosen to watch on my birthday this year. Of course, because I was going away and I knew I was gonna be making an episode about it. I actually watched it on October 6th, Addison Ray's birthday. (laughs) Happy birthday, Addison Ray. In celebration of Addison Ray's birthday, I watched Practical Magic. And I think she would love it and she needs to watch it. There's people, I think, putting up their Halloween decorations down the street, which is, I mean, very, very perfect for this episode that I'm recording. But if you can hear like a nail gun, I think is what it is, or maybe like a staple gun clicking in the background. I apologize. (laughs) But it adds to the atmosphere. I'm sitting here talking to you about a fall movie and you're listening to somebody putting up their Halloween decorations in the background. Let's just get that out of the way here and now. It's perfect. It's atmospheric, et cetera, et cetera. Now, these two movies, Ghostbusters and Practical Magic, are similar movies in that they're both October-coded and Halloween-coded and kind of spooky-coded, but they're certainly not scary-coded. So that's kind of what makes them similar. But in a lot of ways, they're also incredibly different tonally. The way that I choose which one to watch on my birthday every year is kind of as mysterious as the movies themselves, I would say it depends on my mood. Like, oh, I'm in a goofy mood. I'll watch Ghostbusters or, oh, I'm in kind of a romantic, mysterious kind of a mood. I'll watch Practical Magic. But the weird thing is that nine times out of 10, I decide months in advance, months in advance. Like in July, I'll randomly be like, "I'm watching Ghostbusters for my birthday this year," or "I'm watching Practical Magic for my birthday this year." I just decide. It's kind of like my Halloween costume. For example, I already know what I'm going as for Halloween next year, and I won't be telling you what that is because it's gonna be a really good costume. This year, I'm going to smokey the bear. I don't know if I've said that on the podcast yet, or anywhere. I'm going to smokey the bear, and it's gonna be really, really cute. I've started just like piecing the costume together, and I'm really, really excited to go smokey the bear. I think it's gonna be a real cloud crowd pleaser, and I bought a bunch of sticker packs to give out stickers that say fire safety, and only you can prevent forest fires, all that kind of stuff. So it's a Halloween costume with a message, and also I just really love smokey the bear. But nonetheless, as much as I do love both of these two movies, "Ghostbusters and Practical Magic," these are the kinds of movies that I can only ever watch in October. And if I don't watch one or the other on my birthday, like I didn't watch "Ghostbusters and my birthday this year," but trust me, it will be getting watched some other time in the month of October. They literally can never be watched in any other month of the year. I would rather hang myself, than watch " Practical Magic" or "Ghostbusters" in like summertime, or even in the dead of winter, nay. These films can only be viewed in October. Watching them at any other point in time is to me sacrilege of the highest order. Now, because I've been so strict with when I watch them, both of these movies remind me of my favorite time of the year. They also remind me of my birthday, and both of them make me feel really at home. And like, everything is going, I'm crying. Everything is going to be okay, no matter what's going on. So case in point, both of these movies are incredibly important to me. And the picking of which to watch is once again based on literally nothing, other than the cosmos and the shifting of the planets, I guess. These are things beyond my own understanding. I picked " Practical Magic" for this year. Although I will say that for this year, I did know that I wanted to do an episode about " Practical Magic" for "The Lizard Review." So maybe in the back of my mind, I knew that I would be doing this episode for my birthday. So there is that. Now, the reason I wanted to do an episode about " Practical Magic" is because, not just because I love it, but also because I have long believed that not enough people have seen this fucking movie. And not enough people really know how fucking incredible this movie is if you're into this sort of thing. Or really just in general, I don't think you need to be into fall or witches or creepy stuff to get into this movie. And yet, it feels to me like this is kind of an underrated cult classic kind of a film instead of being like at the forefront of discussions of fall culture. And I figure that not enough people have seen it for a number of reasons. And the chief reason of all the reasons is because " Practical Magic" has never been a hit. It was not a hit when it first came out. I can assure you of that. We hadn't had, you know, the feminism of the '90s had really died off and people were not interested in this kind of a feminist leaning movie. I think that's my best guess. Like as somebody who knows what the movie is about, who's seen the movie, who knows the theming of the movie, I think the girls were really, there was a strong pivot. Kind of like what we're experiencing right now, politically and socially, and like how people are talking about feminism and women in general. There's like a, we swung too hard in the other direction. And now of course, the shoe always goes in the other direction. And that happened in the beginning of the '90s, we were saying third wave feminism in the end of the '90s, we were saying, Britney Spears is a whore. So there you have it. But nonetheless, no matter what the reasons were, Practical Magic made less in the box office than it cost to make the film. And that is quite simply always the mark of a movie that has at least to some degree completely flopped. It made millions of dollars, as a matter of fact, less than it cost to make it. And it actually cost $75 million to make this movie. Now remember, that's $75 million in 1998, which today would be roughly the equivalent of $140 million. And you know what? Can I share something with you girls? I'm telling you this as somebody who I love film. I mean, I love all kinds of media, but I don't consider myself in any way, shape or form to be like a film buff. And I don't get where the money goes. Where does the money go when you're making movies? Where does the money go? What is with the budgets? I genuinely don't get it. This movie costing $140 million. Even if I consider the things that I know cost money, like I know building the sets cost money. I know paying the cash and career cost money, all that shit. But I'm still like, where does 140 million go? There's minimal special effects in this movie. Like really there's a scene where special effects are used, but I digress, I really digress. It cost quite a bit of money to make it. And I fear that part of the reason it costs so much to make is because they spent, I shit you not in entire year putting together the iconic house that's featured in this film. Anybody who's seen this movie, or has it even just seen like a TikTok real of it or Instagram real of it? The house is fucking beautiful. It is one of the most beautiful houses that I've ever seen in any movie. And it also perfectly captures the essence and the vibe of the film. And it captures the characters in it. To the point where I feel like the house itself is as much a character in the movie as any of the actual characters. So the house is like the highest paid actor in practical magic, even higher paid than Nicole Kidman and Sandra Bullock. A lot of the sets for the house were built in California and then moved to San Juan Island in Washington state. But the bulk of the exterior that you actually see of the house in the movie, specifically when you're seeing it on the island of San Juan is actually just like a shell. And there's nothing inside of it. And I didn't know that. And I was doing research on the movie before I sat down and watched it again to do the episode. And I was thinking about like it being a shell and not being a real house as I was watching the movie. And I was like oh, you never actually see them go into the house. And like there's not a straight shot there. Like oh, I'm gonna go in the house now and then it cuts and then all of a sudden they're in the house. You see, that's movie magic. That's cinema. No, it's cinema. The house isn't even real. It's a shell. And not only was it a shell, they built an entire shell of a house and then immediately tore that thing down once filming wrapped. So there is regrettably not a practical magic house to go and visit. Even though the town where a lot of the in town scenes were filmed does indeed exist. Like the town of practical magic exists. It's called Kupo, Washington. And I'll tell you what, they are really proud of the fact that practical magic was filmed there as anybody would be, because it's the greatest movie ever made of all time. So they have like practical magic, movie screenings every year in the town. And I'm sure that's like really, really fun. But it is really disappointing that the house doesn't truly exist because it's such a beautiful house. And you know, the hocus pocus house exists and the home alone house exists. And I mean, I know the people who live there are like, I mean, it's a beaut, they're beautiful homes and you're lucky to live there no matter what's going on. But I'm sure it does get old when people are coming to take pictures of your house. And I'm gonna tell you something right now. The practical magic house existed. Oh, I'd be there. Every October, I'd be there getting my picture taken from the practical magic house. I would give anything to live in that house. I think it's like one of the coolest houses of all time. You just have to watch the movie to understand what I mean by that. But despite the house not actually existing, I repeat again, it is one of the most beautiful houses in any film anywhere. And one of the houses that meets the qualifications of the story better than most. And proof of this being the case lies within the fact that the author of the book that practical magic is based upon, a book with the same name as the film, she loved the house in the movie. Alice Hoffman who wrote the book said that she felt like the set designer had created a complete physical world out of her own imagination just as I had. It was as if we both were novelists. Now I have to lay down the truth with you boys. I have never ever read this book, which is like the most fake fan behavior of all time that I'm sitting here saying that practical magic is one of my favorite movies ever. And I've never even read the fucking source work. But you know what, I'm keeping it real. I'm keeping it real and I'm telling you quite plainly, I have never read this fucking book. I should and I will. Someday, someday I will. But you know, this movie is so good. I'm never really left after finishing it, sitting there feeling like, wow, I need to read the book to get more insight or I need to read the book for more information. I always finish the movie feeling completely satisfied and what was presented to me and how it went and the story. So I've never felt a drive to read the book. You know, the book doesn't have Nicole Kidman in a velvet dress. So I mean, I know you know what I mean. Even though I feel extremely positive about this movie, famously, and this is another reason why I feel so many people have never seen this film, it did not get fantastic reviews. And I'm gonna tell you the total truth. That blows my fucking mind. Now, I've had multiple films that were really important to me in my childhood get totally blasted by the critics. For example, Spice World is a hated Spice World and I was like, this is the greatest movie ever made. But like, I can entertain the idea that movies that meant a lot to me as a kid aren't good. Just because I thought they were good when I was eight years older, even 13 years old. Like I can handle the fact that people think Josie and the Pussycats, which I loved as a preteen, is a shit movie. It is a shit movie, like that's the thing. Josie and the Pussycats is not like some triumph of cinema, but I loved it when I was a kid and so I still love it now. So like, I can entertain that idea. But the thing about practical magic is that this is not necessarily a nostalgic movie to me. And I have no childhood reasons for thinking it's the greatest film ever made because I saw it for the first time in my young 20s. I was like 21. And I thought that this is the single greatest thing I've ever seen and how have I never seen this before. I could understand for practical magic, like middling reviews or lukewarm reviews, but they hated it. They were saying it's bad. They weren't saying, oh, it's fun and cute, but you know, it's not the best movie ever. No, no, no, they were saying it is simply bad and they need to miss me with that shit. I don't understand why people think that. I don't get why people think this movie isn't good. It has a 25% critic rating on Rotten Tomatoes. That's insane. I could take 60% and be like, okay, it's not for everybody, but 25, 25. It has a 47 on Metacritic as well. 47, for one of the greatest films ever made. It makes no earthly sense to me. And the only reason that I can explain why this might have happened is because people hate women. That's the only thing that makes sense. These reviews were written by people who hate women. Okay, gotcha. And overwhelmingly, it's worth it to note, I looked into it. The negative reviews were written by, who do you think? M-E-N-Men. Ain't that a coincidence? As a matter of fact, Roger Ebert, one of the most famous film critics of all time, from the Chicago Sun Times, he gave the movie two stars and he said, this about the film. And this was actually a sentiment that was parroted by many other critics at the time when the movie came out. Quote, "Practical magic is too scary for children and too childish for adults, who was it made for? On the one hand, you have cute witches making jokes about magic potions and herbal shampoos. And on the other hand, you have a kidnapping by an abusive boyfriend who dies of an overdose. But not for long, moldy evil spirits rise up out of other people's bodies and teaspoons stir on their own. The movie doesn't seem sure what tone to adopt, varying uncertainly from horror to laughs to romance. To cue us, it puts lots of songs on the soundtrack. A movie lacks confidence when he uses music to tell us how to feel. Here the music intrudes, insists, explains, and tries to force segues between events that are not seg-- with segable. He made this word up. [LAUGHING] He made this word up. It's segue but with a bull, at the end, segable. It's like, I can't even say it out loud. And then he says, example, early in the film, an impending kiss is accompanied by this kiss by Faith Hill. Unquote, oh, so he just doesn't get it. Oh, this is a man who just doesn't get it. And frankly, we could even just stop that sentence at, this is a man. Yeah, a man wrote this. Who's surprised? I'll answer your question of, who was this movie made for? I'll answer that question with ease, the girlies. It was made for the girlies. And you, sir, wouldn't and couldn't understand that, simply put, R.I.P. Dr. Ebert, R.I.P. But this, I will never forgive and I will never forget. This is like a review that, like, when he was entering the Pearly Gates, the angel was like, we need to talk about something and up on the movie screen. He did the angel put up him writing this horrible review of practical magic and saying, now, what was this about? You have to atone for this before we let you in. OK, Roger, you understand me? But this review that Roger wrote, this specific critique, I see of a lot of movies that I really like, actually. Ghostbusters is another one where people are like, what's the tone? What is the tone of this movie? Is this a comedy? Is this a horror? Is this a romance? Those questions are the questions that could ask about a lot of movies that I like. And the answer is, it's all about those things. Kind of just like life. Is life not funny? And is life not horrifying? And is life not romantic? And is life not all of those things, all the time happening at once, every single day? I'm asking you! I'm asking you! I find it so odd when people can't have comedy and horror in the same film. Or they can't have romance and horror in the same film. And I kind of wondered, as I was reading some of these reviews, if this was just kind of like a problem of the era, of which practical magic came out, and that this is like no longer an issue. Because I mean, think about a filmmaker like Jordan Peale, who expertly makes movies that are scary, but that incorporate humor in a really unique sort of a way. I think horror comedies are much more in the zeitgeist now than they were at that time. But still, this old-ass bitch, and many other old-ass bitches at the time of the film's release, really couldn't wrap their dumb-ass brains around the concept of a film that has everything. It has love, magic, zombies, Nicole Kidman, romance, Sandra Bullock, this kiss by Faith Hill, Stevie Nix, domestic violence, the unbreakable bond between sisters, witchcraft, and et cetera, et cetera. I mean, I could go on and on. That issue that Roger was explaining in his little review, that is a male issue. That's a skill issue. That's an issue of M-E-N men, not an issue of the girlies. See, the girls understand the complexities of the human experience and of the human spirit. Only the girls can watch practical magic and take it all in at once and come away, understanding what it is that they just watched, the girls in the case, and the days. Not the streets as gendered men, like Roger, not like him. But again, this lack of understanding for what the film even is just another reason why I get the feeling that not enough people have watched this movie. Every year Autumn rolls around and I feel like I see people talking about the same crop of films. They're talking about when Harry Met Sally. They're talking about Coraline. They're talking about Knives Out. They're talking about Tim Burton movies. They're talking about Hocus Pocus. And these are all great films that everybody clapped and everybody cheered. But I really never see enough about practical magic in spite of the fact that it has it fucking all. Everything that you seek in a campy little romantic spooky film that gives autumnal vibes lies within the crevices of practical magic. It has witchcraft and it's not an overdone amount of it. It's very subtle, very natural kind of witchcraft. It's literally practical magic. It has loss of love. It has finding new love. It has Nicole Kidman being the horror we all wanted her to be. And actually, I say this all the time. But this is Nicole Kidman in this movie is the best that she or anybody else has ever looked in any movie. And she gags in every scene that she's in. And Sandra Bullock plays Nicole Kidman's fucking sister. We have to talk about that. It has zombies. It has ghosts. It has mystery. It has the entire package. So if you haven't seen it, I would watch it seriously. And I wouldn't finish listening to this episode until you've sat and watched it, girls. Because there are spoilers ahead. And I would hate nothing more than to ruin this movie for you. Because when I first watched it, I actually went in entirely blind beyond just knowing that this was a movie where Nicole Kidman and Sandra Bullock play witch sisters. And really, what more do you need to know in order to watch this movie? I think that in and of itself should be enough to compel anyone to sit their asses down and watch this movie. But if you have seen it, we are about to go through this incredible and life-changing film together, moment by moment, if you'll allow me to. And I will piece together all the reasons why this is one of my all-time favorite movies and why this movie is so criminally underrated, according to me. Now, as you know, the two stars of this film are Sandra Bullock and Nicole Kidman. And the year was 1998. These are two of the most iconic film actresses of all time, certainly of the generation that we're living in now, certainly of the last 20, 30 years. And watching this movie now, or even just 10 years ago, you have to give it up for the fact that seeing these two women in a movie together is pretty fucking cool, considering who they are in the world of film. But this was 1998. And to put it in a little bit of perspective for you, to kind of like set the tone of like when this movie was coming out, by 1998, I think Sandra Bullock was a relative household name to a point. In 1992, she starred in Love Potion #9, which I would consider to be like her first really big film, and also kind of iconic. And I actually need to re-watch that one. I haven't seen it in years. Let's add it to the list, girls. But then in 1994, she had perhaps one of the biggest moments of her career at that point, when she starred alongside Keanu Reeves in Speed. Yes, Speed. That was a huge moment for her. That was a massive fucking movie. Still iconic to this day. And that, I think, was her first really, really big breakout role. After that in 1995, she did While You Were Sleeping, which was big. I mean, you know. But then in 1997, she did Speed 2. And now that was the flop sequel, where she re-prized her role, but Keanu did not re-prize his. And girls, they fucking hated it. They hated that movie. And it's important to note that by 1998, when Practical Magic was coming out, she hadn't yet done perhaps one of her biggest movies ever of all time. Certainly, this is when I remember as a child noting that Sandra Bullock existed, I'm, of course, talking about Miss Congeniality. She hadn't done Miss Congeniality yet. She had not done two weeks notice yet. That's her most famous, I would say, romantic comedy. And she sure had not done the proposal yet. And those are the films that people tend to associate with Sandra Bullock. Those had not happened yet. So yes, Speed was big. And yes, she had been in several other decently popular films. And I think people recognized her and recognized the name. But she was not yet Sandra Bullock, as you guys know her today. At the time that Practical Magic was coming out. Similarly, Nicole Kidman hadn't yet become the Nicole Kidman that you know today in 1998. Looking at her filmography, before 1998, there's just like not a lot of iconic, memorable. Everybody talks about this role and that Nicole Kidman played movies. She was in a Tom Cruise movie early on called Days of Thunder, that I personally have never heard of or seen, but she was also in Batman Forever, which I actually forgot that she was in that at all. And Batman Forever is kind of famous for being kind of crazy, but nonetheless, looking at her filmography from before 1998, you don't see a lot of her like stand out iconic roles. And then for more context, in 1999, that's when she finally did Eyes Wide Shut. And then in 2001, she did The Mulan Rouge, The Others, and The Hours. And those are some of her biggest movies ever. So she's in kind of a similar boat to Sandra in 1998. People know these actresses and they're in a lot of decently recognized movies, and they are recognizable, but it's not like it is to us now where people were thinking, "Oh, these are two of the biggest movie stars of all time in a movie together. Drop everything and let's go watch it." The film also stars Diane Wiest as one of the witchy ants in the movie. Diane Wiest being famous for just off top of my head, Edward Scissorhands and Footloose. And the other witchy ant is played by Stalker Channing, who of course was Rizzo in Greece. So now we have to cheer. This is a cast of iconic women. This is important female history. This is her story. This is her story. So we're already off to a great start just with the cast alone. The movie opens with a simple statement. And this sets the tone for the entire movie. For over 200 years, we Owens women have been blamed for everything that has ever gone wrong in this town. Oh, girl, we know that. We know that. Who can't relate to that? Women being blamed for the flopage of the town and many other such things. Sounds familiar. Now this quote is being said over a shot of one of their ancestors being hung in the town square. I mean, she was being hunkered being a witch, yes. But also because she was an SLUT slut. And we cheered. We cheered with and we cheered for that. She was having sex with the men who had wives on the hanging committee. To be fair, that's just kind of dumbassery. We can't be a hoe and stupid. You got to pick. You really have to pick, especially in 1666, when they're hanging witches left right in center. Nonetheless, she was lucky she was a witch. Because when she jumped off the hanging platform, the rope snapped. And instead of being hung, because they were like, "Oh my God, we can't hang her." She's an agent of Satan. They just banished her to an island off the coast. And on that island off the coast, she waited for her lover. This is the man who impregnated her, mind you. She's pregnant on this island alone. She waited for this man to come for her and build a life with her. And, well, case in point, that man never came. And her broken heart cursed her. It cursed the entire family lineage. And the curse afflicted any man who would ever dare to love an Owens woman. And, well, I'll tell you what, this curse held strong for hundreds of years. And ultimately, it killed the two stars' dad, Gillian and Sally's dad. The curse warns of its coming with the sound of a beetle ticking. And then, ultimately, the curse kills any man, again, who falls in love with an Owens woman. I don't understand the timeline of when the beetle will start ticking and when the man will be taken away. Because it happens, like, in the movie, it happens when the kids are already there. They've already built a life together. That's when it decides to kill the man. It's kind of really fucked up. Like, it's very macabre. It's very dark stuff. It's not just like, "Oh, he fell in love with me, and now he's immediately going to die." Which, I mean, I'm not saying it's good, but it would be better if it happened that way, because then you don't have children A. And B, you haven't built a life with this man, and you haven't, like, you know, done all this shit and, like, made your little corner of the world just to have them taken away by a curse that was put upon the lineage of women by some lady who didn't hang and perhaps should have hung hundreds of years ago. Julian and Sally's mother was so devastated by the death of her husband that she simply could not raise the girls anymore, and actually she died of a broken heart. And so, Julian and Sally got sent to live with their two iconic ants, that's Aunt Francis and Aunt Jet, in their weird house on the edge of the island. And Aunt Francis believes in the curse wholeheartedly on account of the fact that, quote unquote, her Ethan, whoever that is, dropped fucking dead. And then Aunt Jet conversely says that it was all a mere accident, and there is no such curse. And I think she's saying that likely just to spare the young girls the reality of the truth, which is that, yes, indeed, any man who would actually love you will sincerely, at some point, we don't know when, drop dead. Now, young Sally is played by Camilla Bell, which is iconic for a very number of reasons. I mean, hello, that's Camilla Bell. She's, among other things, she's better known for the things that she does on the mattress, and we have to clap and cheer. But nonetheless, the young girls, one of them played by Camilla Bell, are harassed and tormented by the local children as they're growing up. And they chant the specific chant that I think of a lot, actually, in my day-to-day life, it goes which, which, which, which, which, you're a bitch. Genius. Absolutely genius. This is cinema. This is complete and total cinema. Now, whether the other locals in town think that the girlies are witches, none of the Owens women give a rat's fat fucking ass, they literally don't care. It's kind of an interesting thing because it's like, people believe that they're witches, as a matter of fact, some people know that they're witches. Nobody, even though women will come to them asking for spells and shit, they're still not accepted in the town. The ants continue to do magic, and the ants continue to teach the young girls magic. Kind of emphasizing that Sally, who's played by Sandra Bullock as the movie goes on, has a natural talent and a natural gift. Whereas Gillian has, quote unquote, "other gifts." Later on in the movie, we discover her other gifts are being a red-headed slut of the highest order. And some of us cheered. I cheered, I cheered for that over and over again. Nonetheless, it turns out the witches will take money, actually, for performing spells for some of the locals. And particularly, they do a love spell for a woman who shows up sobbing and, like, banging on the doors of the house, just completely strung out over this guy. And she, it turns out, wants a married man. She wants this married man that she's sleeping with to want her so bad he can't think about anything else, which is kind of crazy. But, I mean, we all, ain't we all been there. This is for the girlies, come on. Part of the spell is killing a dove with a sharp, pointy stick. We don't love that. But the little girls are, like, watching this whole thing go down. They're watching this woman be driven to the brink by how badly she wants this guy, how much she's in love with this guy. And this is a moment in the movie where we see, like, one of the core differences between the two sisters come out. And it's really definitive of, like, how the entire movie is going to go. So Sally sees this happen, and she says, "I hope I never fall in love." Whereas Jillian sees this, and she says, "I can't wait to fall in love." Now, these are famous last words. These are literally famous last words for both of them. But in her quest to never fall in love, Sally, again, aka Camilla Bell, comes up with a spell to summon her, quote unquote, "one true love." Who is, in essence, a man who could never possibly exist. And if she makes it so that her one true love is a man who could never possibly exist, then she can never die of a broken heart. In the spell, she kind of, like, almost invents this man. And this is a man who can flip pancakes in the air. He'll be marvellously kind. And his favorite shape will be a star, and he'll have one green eye and one blue eye. Now, none of that seems particularly crazy to the adult mind. Like, that's a person who very well could exist, and does exist. But in the mind of a 12-year-old girl, you can fathom that she would be like, "He could never be real." Like, that man could never exist. But what's really important about this scene is that Crystal by Stevie Nix plays in the background. Yeah, Crystal by Stevie Nix. Crystal by Stevie Nix is... There is, like, a score to the movie, and there's, like, a practical magic titled "Score Song." But to me, the practical magic song is Crystal by Stevie Nix. They use it. It's the motif of the score to me, and it's a very beautiful song. And, of course, Stevie Nix's famous witch, quote-unquote. She loved this movie, her favorite movie ever made. She had a surprise she wasn't a producer or something like that, or didn't make a cameo. 'Cause we know she likes to make a little cameo in a witch movie. Did she make a cameo in American Horror Story Coven? Did she not? Or was it just that Rianne and played? Nonetheless, Stevie Nix is a character in this movie as far as I'm concerned because of how important Crystal is to the score. And, like, really to the movie in general. Now, Sally grows up in Sandra Bullock, and Gillian grows up into Nicole Kidman. And Nicole Kidman has decided to run off as a young woman. She's, like, 20. And she decides to elope with her flavor of the week. And in this scene, as Gillian is escaping out into the night, before she leaves, she tells Sally that her plan, whether she's running off with as many guys as she wants you or not, her plan in the end is that her and Sally are going to grow all together. And they're going to die on the same day. They do a blood oath on this exact fact. They slice each of their palms open and they hold their hands. And the oath is, we're going to die on the same day. And this is probably the first time in the movie where it becomes really apparent that who both of these women have, no matter where they are in the world, no matter what they're doing in their lives, no matter especially what's going on in their love lives, the person who they're going to grow old with and die with is their sister. And Gillian goes out into the world and leaves Sally behind in this tiny little town that hates her to her own devices. And over the years, Gillian goes through guy after guy. And meanwhile, Sally is all on her own. She has no man, no prospects, no sister, just her two freaky deaky ants. And everyone in town hates them again because they're witches. And then she sees the produce man. Sally gets a good fucking look at the produce man. And after she sees the produce man and they make prolonged romantic eye contact, we get the single greatest needle drop in all of cinema. This is what Roger Ebert hated. He hated this. I loved it. That's right. This kiss by Faith Hill begins to play out of fucking nowhere. It is wildly out of place for the tone of the movie, but that's what nobody debts. It's supposed to be wildly out of place and it's supposed to not really make that much sense because we'll get to that in a minute. But nonetheless, this kiss by Faith Hill needle drops. Sally is in the back gardening and the answer like up to something. It's clearly like doing magic of some kind. And then all of a sudden, the bell tolls in town. And Sally looks up from her gardening and she gets up, mind you, in her daisy dukes, rain boots and crop top and braided pigtails. I'm telling you, this is a look for the ages. This is like one of the most iconic moments in the entire film in all of cinema. This is an outfit that nobody has forgotten. I know that I haven't. And in her daisy dukes, her rain boots and her crop top as this kiss by Faith Hill blares on the speakers. She runs for her life into town and she runs directly to the produce man. And they make out in the middle of the street and that's cinema. Not everybody gets that. I understand it perfectly. Years go by very quickly. They have two little girls, Sally and the produce man. So Sally is finally getting what she's always wanted out of life and she says this over and over again in the movie. All she wants is to feel normal. She wants to fit in and she doesn't want to be some big old fucking freak. Well, the thing is when you're a witch, that's just kind of the thing that's going to happen. People are going to think that you are a freaky deaky. But Sally is really playing house. She's like, I have the produce man as a husband. People aren't hating us anymore because we're not so freaky. How freaky can we be when I'm dating the produce man? I'm married to the produce man as a matter of fact. And we have these two angelic beautiful children. How much more freak can I be? Meanwhile, Julian is still abroad, boning any man that she can get her hands on. And again, we cheer and we clap. What else are you supposed to do when you look like that? I'm asking you. But her latest obsession is I believe in Arizona. It's actually never said where they are. But I think it's in like some place where she can lounge at the pool 24/7. And her latest obsession is a man that is quite literally named. I'm not making this up. Jimmy Angela. But the way that she pronounces it in the movie is Angel love. And in this scene, as she's describing to Sally, how obsessed she is with this fucking guy. Who she also describes as a vampire cowboy. Can't think of anything less sexy than that. But I'm going to let her cook. She has horrible taste in men. That's kind of like the whole point of the movie. The whole point of the movie is she has horrible taste in men. And in this scene about this horrible cowboy Dracula guy. She's walking down a darkened hallway in a sexy little outfit. As is this real by Lisa Hall plays. And that's kind of like a variation of operate by peaches, which many of you, of course, are familiar with from Mean Girls. They're very much sisterly songs, these two songs. And it's all dark and she's looking so hot. And then Jimmy Angela blindfolds her. Some of us were watching. I mean, we were watching disrespectfully. I know I was. I had no respect in my heart as I was watching this scene. And she's just like completely and totally in lust with this guy. Which is a really striking juxtaposition as Sally is having her allegedly totally normal little fairy tale life. So this is how they're setting up the two sisters. Like, yes, they have a blood bond. Yes, they are sisters, but they couldn't be more different in a lot of ways. So the girly who said I never want to fall in love is playing house. And the girly who said she can't wait to fall in love is in lust with a guy named Jimmy in somewhere like Florida. So that's where we are in like, I think the first 20 minutes in the movie. So guess what happens in the next scene? Sally thinks she's got her perfect little life. Well, the beetle starts chirping. And we all know what that means. And Sally hears that beetle. And it's a real beetle, too. Like, the beetle is there and he's chirping. And Sally rips apart the house trying to find it and she wants to kill it. As if killing it could stop the inevitable from happening. But of course, we all know what exactly is going to happen. Her produce man ultimately winds up dying in a freak accident. And his apples go falling across the road. Now Sally, who again thought she had her perfect life and was so in love and it was building a family and all this that and the other thing, she goes kind of nuts. And she comes to the ants and she begs them to do a resurrection spell. And the ants make it very clear that they would never do that type of magic for the obvious reasons. Or at least obvious reasons to those of us who like the witchcraft movies. This is very much a theme of witchcraft movies. Resurrection spells are dangerous. And they're dangerous because people almost always come back wrong. You're not supposed to mess with the fabrics of life and death. Like, that's evil shit. In every movie about witchcraft, that is the case. And we love a foreshadowing moment. We love a foreshadowing moment, don't we, girlies? But this is the part in the movie where the ants confess to Sally that they put a love spell on her and her produce man. So they essentially brought this entire event on, this heartbreak and this misery on. And you can fathom that Sally is not happy to hear about this because this entire thing and the way that she feels and how horrible her life has gone could have been avoided had they not done that. But now you see why it was Faith Hill Needle dropping in a moment that does really stand out as tonally strange for the movie. It was strange. It is supposed to stand out and be like, huh, that's kind of weird because it was not real. Do you get that now? Some of us are real cinema and some of us understand these nuances. Not everyone, Roger Ebert, can say the same. He's not getting it. I understand it. You get that, Roger, is that clicking to you so they don't do the resurrection spell? They can't. You're not supposed to do that shit. Sally is distraught, deeply heartbroken and she moves back in with the ants and she takes her daughters with her. Just like her and her sister had to do after their own father died. And she says, that's it, magic is banned. She says, my children will never do magic. It's important to know that one of these children is being played by Evan Rachel Wood, just another queen to add to the list of queens in this movie. So Sally is miserably heartbroken and she begins to be totally unable to even get up out of bed because she's so miserable. And this is probably exactly how her own mother died of a broken heart. She just stopped getting up and stopped existing. But then guess who makes a surprise appearance and is the only one who is capable of pulling her out of this funk, the same funk that killed their mother, the other queenie, and that is Miss Jillian. Now, here's the thing about this scene is that her boyfriend Jimmy Angelo is a psycho. And he is so obsessed with her. She can't even say something like okay I'm going to go visit my sister whose husband just died mind you. She's going to legitimately drug him with this thing called Bella Donna to even be able to leave him for a single day. So she does she's she drugs him and it's clear that she does it all the time. Right. And that's important because that'll come up again later. And then Jillian after drug drugging her vampire cowboy she drives back to her hometown. Well, I might add singing along to a case of you by Joni Mitchell on the radio. This is not just something that they made. This is a film for the girls. She goes to visit Sally. And essentially she says, listen lady, you can't just be lying in bed like this girl. You need to get up and get out of bed for those girls and not do what our mother did to us. And that's just the tea of it all. Of course, Jillian is the only only person, not the ants, not even her own daughters can get her up out of bed. Only Jillian can do it because the core theme of the movie is sisterhood and the blood bonds. And it's not just sisterhood of like literal blood relatives but sisterhood of like witches yes but just of women in general. Additionally, Jillian reveals to Sally that she has to drug her boyfriend to even be able to get some sleep because she's just that obsessed with her. She says a quote that I think about a lot, especially the way that she delivers it. It's delivered very well. She says, sometimes we just stay up all night and worship each other like bats. Like bats. Like bats. This is a really bizarre line. But honestly, it kind of turns me on. It kind of gets me going. But I think this is just my particular, my like affliction. This is my mental illness. It's a bizarre thing to say and yet I'm like, I understand exactly what you mean. And we've been needing it. Yes, we're shipping each other like bats. So then Jillian, she's kind of a mysterious fly by the seat of her pants does whatever she wants, goes wherever she wants when she wants kind of a girly. Jillian is just gone in the morning. She doesn't go see the kids. She doesn't go see the ants at all. She came for Jillian and Jillian, excuse me, she came for Sally and Sally alone. So she's just gone like she never was like it was a dream almost. And Sally gets her ass up out of bed and we cheered. She goes back to being a human. She goes back to taking care of the girls. She goes back to working on opening her botanical shop in town. And that was something that she was working on with Michael, who is her now deceased husband. And she just says, she gets up and she says, okay, well life can't stop. And I can't do what my mother did to me and Jillian. So I'm going to get my ass up and open my botanical shop and get going. Character actress Margot Martindale features as one of Sally's employees. That's only an important reference if you've ever seen Bojack Horseman. It's character actress Margot Martindale. She's there and we have to cheer. Oddly, the kids in town are still horrible. They are. I think when Sally was married to Michael and like her life was so perfect, she was like, nobody's yelling at us. Nobody's, you know, jeering us anymore. But it was almost like the second that he died, everything just went back to being horrible again. And the kids in town still can't come up with anything other than which, which you're a bitch. Which, which, you're a bitch. And they chant that at Sally's children, Evan Rachel Wood. And Evan Rachel Wood points a medicine finger at the kids. And she says, I hope you get chicken pox. And when she says that, the entire congregation acts like she just cursed him into the fires of hell. As if chicken pox aren't just a part of their part of life, baby. You got again when you're 10 years old, otherwise you're in big trouble. So after doing that, Sally like freaks out and she says, we never cast. You never cast. And Evan Rachel Wood says, no, you don't cast. So this indicates that Sally is still refusing to do magic or even teach her daughters about magic. Okay. And after this, Sally goes home. And she writes, she writes this really dramatic, overwrought letter to Jillian and it's about the moon. It's about the longing that she has and the yearning that is deep within her heart. And she says that she dreams of a love that even time will lie down and be still for. Here we go. But also, she writes that she knows deep down that she's already had her happiness. And that there is no man. Only that moon. That's what she says. All she has in her life is the moon. What is not clicking about this to people? What's not clicking? What are people saying is bad about this? This is cinema. This is the greatest thing that's ever been done. So, as she's putting that letter in the mailbox to be collected by the mail carrier to be sent away to Miss Jillian, the phone rings. And her and Jillian have a very like deep spiritual bond. So she knows intrinsically that on the other end of that phone, even as it's still ringing, is Jillian. And she knows that Jillian is in trouble. And it is Jillian. And Jillian says that she's scared. And we don't know why, but she just says, can you please come and get me? So Sally drops everything naturally, just as Jillian did for her. And she gets her ass down to wherever Jillian is. I believe it's in Arizona. And she pulls up in a cab to this shitty little motel that Jillian is at with Jimmy. And it turns out that Jimmy has gone fucking nuts. And he has hit Jillian in the face. Now, these are not acceptable behaviors from a man who is essentially just supposed to be Jillian sex idiot. And her cowboy vampire. No, you can't be doing that. You can't be doing that. And not only that, but it turns out that Jimmy is nuts in the first place. And it's not just from the Belladonna that she's been feeding him. But trust me, that Belladonna simply doesn't help in the situation in the slightest bit and has made him sort of psycho. And one can imagine. You're losing long periods of time. You're being drugged. Everything is like what's real, what's not, et cetera, et cetera. When you're already a loose cannon type of a guy, that you're playing with fire. And Jillian really got herself into a bit of a pickle. This was the wrong fucking dude. Jillian tells Sally that he's just been driving them around for like two weeks straight all over the place and being incredibly erratic and very violent. Okay, so this is a very, very bad picture. And as they're trying to escape into the night, they're about to get into the cab. And Jillian looks up and she sees that the moon is red and she goes, "Oh my god, it's a blood moon. Oh my god, it's a blood moon." They never explain what a blood moon means. Only, we're just ascertaining that it's a bad thing. And she says, "I need my tiger's eye. It brings me good luck." Tiger's eye is in Jimmy's car. Guess who else is in Jimmy's car? Jimmy! So when she goes to get her tiger's eye, Jimmy's in the back of the car waiting for her and he abducts her. And then when Sally comes over to be like, "What the fuck is going on?" He abducts Sally as well. He has Sally driving the car as he's in the back with Jillian being erratic, being insane. He tries to brand her with his freaky ring. This is a very, very well written scene. This is probably one of the scenes that stands out the most from the movie. As this is all happening and Jimmy's being insane and Sally's trying to drive the car and they're trying to like figure out what they're going to do about the situation. Elvis's "You Were Always On My Mind" is playing on the radio during the scene. And Jimmy also sings the song at one point. And this is like a really important song to the movie. As important as Crystal by Stevie Nix. And actually, "You Were Always On My Mind" by Elvis, which is like not inherently a creepy song. This movie made it really creepy to me. Kind of like what Jordan Peele did with "I Got Five on It" for us. It just, they changed it so that it became like, you know, it's this really, really like beautiful love song by Elvis and iconic song. And because of Practical Magic, it's actually become like a really sinister song to me, which I love it when a movie can take music and turn it into something completely different. Now ultimately, to get them out of the situation, Sally winds up putting a ton of Belladonna into his bottle of tequila. And she puts a lot in there like way too much and she accidentally kills a motherfucker. And frankly, nobody cried. But they do kind of freak out because they did just kill a man. And like, this is going to ruin their lives. Sally has children, Jillian's crazy, like this, that and the other thing. So they're like, we have to bring him back. They bring him back to the aunt's house. And the aunts aren't home and neither are the children because they went out for the winter solstice. So Sally and Jillian frantically perform a half-assed resurrection spell again that they're not supposed to perform. But they do because they don't care what Jimmy comes back as so long as he does come back and has a pulse and they're not on the hook for his murder. Now this scene goes insane because resurrection spells are some of my favorite things to see in media. I am just obsessed with the concept of the good old fashioned resurrection spell. And this scene, it does the thing that Roger Ebert, Roger Ebert didn't like, which was that it's supposed to be so dark and scary and menacing. But then like they have to draw a pentagram on his chest and they don't have anything to write with so they use whipped cream instead. Like yeah, that's silly and it's goofy. But it's also a scary scene and it's also a very heavily charged scene. This man doesn't know nuance. He doesn't understand the layers of nuance that are in this film. Yeah, they use whipped cream to draw the pentagram on the corpse's body. Some of us clapped and cheered for that. Naturally, it goes horribly. It goes very, very poorly. Jimmy does come back, but he comes back, pissed off, and also evil. Even more evil than he was in life. And he tries to immediately, like five seconds after opening his eyes and being back in reality, he's choking the hell out of Jillian. As he's saying, "I want you to be my wife. You need to be my wife." So they do what anybody would do. Sally waxing with a frying pan and kills his ass and they bury him in the backyard. Now this is when the movie starts to go crazy. It's just when the movie starts to go fucking crazy. So they agree to not tell the ants about what transpired here or to not tell anybody because they did kill them in and bring them back to life and then kill them again. So everybody comes home numb the wiser. Everybody comes home. The ants come home. The children come home. And they're like, "Everything's normal. Nothing to see here." And Jillian starts trying to just, like, come back to town. Even though she's, like, clearly this disaster person who everybody hates far more than the ever hated Sally, she smokes constantly and indoors. And she, like, gets a "job" at Sally's botanical store. The entire thing is kind of nuts because she sticks out, like, a store thumb, even in Sally's house, even in Sally's botanical store. Phone tree day. Phone tree day. This is, I think, another one of those things that Roger Ebert found completely insane. It's phone tree day. Okay, after they've killed a man, resurrected him, and then killed him again and buried him in the backyard, they have phone tree day, which is essentially, like, a parent's hotline. And being, it's for, like, moms. And being at the top of the phone tree is, like, a prestigious honor. But, of course, Sally, as the local witch, never gets chosen to be at the top of the phone tree. Now, Jillian catches wind of this, and she says, "Not on my fucking watch." You won't disrespect my sister on my watch. And if my sister wants to be at the top of the fucking phone tree, she'll be on top of the goddamn phone tree. And what's really despicable about the phone tree thing is that the moms have, like, a phone tree meeting, or, like, a phone tree gala, where they announce who's all on the phone tree. Like, it's some important honor in front of everybody, which is kind of like getting picked last in gym class, I would imagine. And there Sally is, at the back of the room, not getting picked. And then who comes walking in? Jillian. And they stare at her, all these moms in their cardigans and their button-up shirts, they stare at her like she is the whore of Babylon. And she kind of looks like the whore of Babylon in the scene. And that's why she's the queenie. They're utterly gagged. She has tattoos. She's in a crap tap. And they're all like, whispering about her. And Jillian says to the congregation, "Yep, that's right. I'm back. Hang on to your husbands, girls. Tell them. Inform them." This is humiliating for Sally. You can't imagine. Sally is like, "Should I kill myself now or later?" But nonetheless, Jillian kind of bewitches the phone tree so that Sally is at the top. And I'm saying whore is unite. What do you want me to say? What do you want me to say about the scene? This is a scene that, I guess I get, you could say, like, this is completely totally wrong. I don't think it is. I think we needed this to happen. Yeah. I completely understand why the scene happened. And the reason that I feel like it completely fits in the movie is because one of the most important things to Sally is fitting in. But what's really important about this is that it's not so much about fitting in in the town. It's not so much about fitting in in the school. It's really more about fitting in with her other mothers, case in point, fitting in with the other women specifically. So I do think that this was a very important scene to have in the movie. And it's one of my favorite scenes in the movie. Very underrated. Meanwhile, at home, in the spot where they buried Jimmy, there are some evil vines, specifically rose vines that are beginning to grow in the exact spot where they buried him. Now that's a bad sign. When the abusive ex-boyfriend that you killed and buried in your backyard begins to sprout roses, one needs to be taking that very, very seriously. And this isn't the only way that Jimmy is still, quote unquote, haunting the girls because that same night, the ants make margaritas because they found the bottle of tequila that Jimmy had been drinking. Now, a plattole in this movie is that that bottle of tequila would be filled with belladonna and enough to kill somebody because they killed Jimmy with it. But nonetheless, the ants make margaritas out of this bottle of tequila. And this bottle of tequila, because it has like, I guess you could say, an evil spirit or a dark spirit associated with it or it belonged to a deceased person. It makes them say and do things that are evil to one another. It's mostly just like being nasty to one another, calling each other whores, calling each other evil witches, staying unkind things about one another, the ants and Jillian and Sally, that is. As they're drinking more and more in this tequila and they become more and more nasty to one another, the more tequila they drink. So when the, when Jillian smashes the bottle of the tequila in the sink and it shatters, it breaks the curse. But obviously that was bizarre. So the ants know right then and there, something's going on. Tell me what's going on. There's obviously something going on. And they refuse to tell the ants what's going on. In retaliation, the ants say, well, you have to clean up your own fucking mess and they leave an abandoned Sally and Jillian to their own devices with the children mind you. So they fuck off thinking like, oh, these two, you know, they're, they're adults. They'll be able to figure it out. These are the two most irresponsible, foolish women on planet earth and you're about to find out why. So the ants are gone. All they have is themselves and the children. In confirmation for the fact that Jimmy is, first of all, haunting them. And second of all, is making the roses grow and is in essence, like reaching out from beyond the grave is that Kylie, aka Evan Rachel Wood, can see him. She can like see him in the reflection of the glass, like his ghost standing there by the roses. Now the grownups can't see him, but she can. And these roses have grown extremely fast, like, essentially overnight. So Jillian goes out there and she starts trying to rip them up and tear them apart because this is literally Jimmy. And then that's where they discover that his boots are sticking up out of the ground because he's rising up. He's about to come right up on out of there. So then Sally starts going fucking nuts on the roses with the shears. But do you think that does any good? No, not only did they kill a man, they then tried to resurrect him and brought who knows what up with him. Some unnatural evil entity that is now attached to a spirit and is buried in their backyard. Cutting up the roses will do absolutely nothing at this point. And the ants would probably know that, but they're not here, girls. They're not here. It's Jillian and Sally against the world. And this is the perfect time for the detective from Tucson, Arizona, named Gary to show up. And Gary has some questions about what happened with Jimmy in Arizona and also how Jillian is involved in his "disappearance." When Sally goes inside and is like, "Uh, Jillian, there's a detective from Tucson outside who wants to talk to you," she says something very, very odd. And she says, "For some strange reason, I just don't think that I can lie to him." Now, Sally doesn't strike me as somebody who can't lie in general. I mean, look at her situation. Look at who she is. She's a witch. She's sisters with Jillian. She's in this crazy situation. She is somebody who I think normally can lie. But this is a situation. For some reason to him, she can't lie. Now, it turns out that Mr. Gary, the detective from Tucson, Arizona, intercepted, opened, and read Sally's letter that she sent to Jillian, that very personal letter about yearning and the moon and how she's going to be alone forever and how there's no man out there for her. He read it. He read that deeply personal letter, and they're briefly conversing about the deeply personal letter and the reasons that he's there. And then, guess who shows up and comes down the stairs and decides that she's going to engage in this conversation. Jillian, and not only does she show up, she shows up in her fucking sex kitten outfit in a teeny, tiny, green velvet dress, and she's doing her sexy baby voice. Okay? There was no man on earth in the 90s who had the power to combat the sexy kitten voice, the sexy baby sexy kitten voice, and Nicole Kidman does a particularly good one, especially in this scene. She says, "I don't know where Jimmy is. He's my ex boyfriend. Really, he's more like a big mistake." And Gary says, "Did he do that to you?" Because remember, Jillian has been hit in the face and she still has the bruising on her face. And Jillian says, quote unquote, "A man hits me, he only does it once." But girls, isn't that one of the stupidest things you've ever heard somebody who's talking to somebody who murdered somebody talking to a detective about the person who's been murdered has said about the person that they killed. And "only hits me once." What does that mean? What are you implying? What are you implying? Nonetheless, stupid or not, she tries hitting on him. And he is, for some reason, impervious to these "wilds" that Jillian works on other men, very successfully with most other men, might I add. But for whatever reason, Officer Gary is completely and totally 100% impervious. And perhaps part of the reason he's impervious is because, well, these two bimbo's left Jimmy's car just sitting in their driveway. Yeah, the car of the guy that they murdered, his car is just sitting in their driveway. And he's like, "Why do you have his car?" And then Sally starts blabbering and almost giving the entire story away because she cannot lie to him for whatever reason. Nonetheless, Gary reveals to the two women that, well, guess what, Jimmy is a psychopath to begin with, and he has actually killed women in the past. And Gary has been trying to pin this murder on Jimmy for some time, like Jimmy is of particular interest to him as a detective. And of course, the way that Jimmy killed this woman in the past was that he branded her with his crazy ring, just like he tried to do Jillian, and he also strangled her to death, just like he tried to do to Jillian. Go figure! When you can't get anything out of the two witches, the two girlies, he doesn't know their witches at this point, that's when he goes around asking questions of the townspeople. And guess what the townspeople have to say about the girlies? They say they're evil witches, they say lock them up, they do weird things to men, they will kill any man who falls in love with them, et cetera, et cetera. Now, Gary finds all that kind of ballistic, and he starts really kind of honing in on the sisters as if he wasn't already doing that to begin with, but the townspeople are certainly not helping at all in that department whatsoever. Jillian decides that she needs to make a banishing potion to get rid of this man at the earliest possible convenience, because she's having visions of her going to jail, of Sally going to jail, of everything going up in smoke, and well, they just, I don't really think that they would survive in jail. I don't know if there's any spells that you can do that could get you out of jail. So she makes a banishing potion, and she's going to put it into maple syrup, because Officer Gary is coming over for breakfast. And Jillian is in the greenhouse with the children making this banishing potion maple syrup. And as they're in the midst of making this banishing potion maple syrup, what do they find in the greenhouse? They found that old spell that Sally did about a guy who didn't exist, who flips pancakes in the air, and has one green eye and one blue eye. Girls are like, "We see you back, Daddy?" And Jillian's like, "Actually no, it's not about Daddy, it's about a guy who would never fucking exist, because your mother was very scared of having her heart broken." Well, guess who comes right on over, and guess who can flip pancakes in the air, Officer Gary, and guess what else? Gary has a star-shaped police officer badge, and Gary also has one blue eye and one green eye. So the girls figure out that this Officer Gary, who has come out of the blue to their house to investigate this murder, which they don't know anything about, obviously, they decide that he is the man who her mother summoned back when she was a very little girl. So they don't want to give him the banishment syrup, because that is the man they think of their mother's dreams. So they toss it into the ocean, and like everybody's laughing, "Ha ha, I guess I didn't want you to eat that. Whoo-hoo, he, as they're having this kind of like laugh about the maple syrup going into the ocean, they see that there's an evil toad. He's croaking on a log, and he is a very evil toad, because he pukes up Jimmy's ring. And remember, Officer Gary would recognize that ring, because Jimmy uses it to brand women, so he's seen it before. And in that moment, Gary begins to seriously suspect them, and he says, "You two better get yourselves a damn good lawyer and leaves the property. He flees, as anybody would, because in his mind, these people just tried to poison him with mysterious maple syrup." Sally and Jillian get into a fight, because they could very well be going to jail. Sally says she's sick of cleaning up Jillian's messes, and Jillian comes back with, "At least I've lived my life, and you hate me for that. You spend all your energy trying to fit in, but you'll never fit in, because we're different, and you are wasting your talent by not using any of your magic." And Sally says, "Shut up, Bimbo, and she kicks Jillian out of the fucking house." And she says, "I'm on my way to tell Gary the truth about what happens." And she does, she goes to his hotel room. And the first thing that she sees among all of the evidence, pictures from other parts of the case, she finds on his bed, she finds what else, but her moon letter, her dramatic moon letter. And she opens it up, and she finds that it's been folded and unfolded and refolded and that, suggesting that he's read it over and over and over again. And well, I bet he fucking did, and in fact, later on he admits to doing just that, but first, she tells Gary that she believes that Jimmy is first of all in the spirit world, so he's dead. And second of all, she also believes that Jimmy is haunting them. She says that Jillian didn't kill anybody, and she also says, "Jimmy has been punished, and for some reason this all turns Gary on." Like, he is, you know, she's heavily implying that she's killed this man. She's just so heavily implying that she's done something bad to him, like even worse than just killing him by suggesting that she's, quote unquote, punished him. And she also says that Jimmy is haunting them. This is all psychotic. And he says, "I can't think of anything hotter than what's going on here," because they make out, like, animals, and then they just keep right on kissing, and they're undressing, and all this other shit. And as they're kissing, she looks up into his eyes, and she notices that he has one green eye and one blue eye, and that freaks her the fuck out, and she says, "I'm out of here. I am fucking out of here." And this is a really funny scene in the movie, because after she's, like, runs out of the room discovering that he has one green eye and one blue eye, Gary just, like, quietly says to himself, "I was born with it." Which I think that the reason that he says that is to indicate that he always existed. Does that make sense? Sally didn't invent him. She didn't create him. He was born with all of these qualities. This is the perfect guy to her, and the spell that she did when she was a kid didn't create him out of thin air. He's not a product of magic. He's a real man who just so happens to have all of the qualities in a man that Sally has always wanted. So I think that's why the line is in the movie, even though it is kind of delivered bizarrely, and it comes in a really bizarre place in the movie. You know, I never said that this was going to win Oscars, although it should have. Although it should have. In any event, Sally runs all the way home, and she discovers that Gillian has been possessed by Jimmy's spirit. This is very bad news, but it's also the natural conclusion to literally everything that has happened. Jimmy has been in the Rose Garden, threatening them as best as he can as a spirit for days, and it's like, of course he's going to, at the earliest possible convenience, possess Gillian, the object of his fixation. Now she goes upstairs. Sally goes all the way upstairs. She sees that Gillian is possessed by Jimmy, and Gary followed her, it turns out. And this is important because like, I don't think, I think if he didn't see this with his own two eyes, he would never believe it, because he follows Sally home, and he watches with his own two eyeballs as Jimmy's corporeal spirit sits up, using Gillian's body as kind of like a host. And he walks right over to Gary, and Gary's gag, like literally silently gag, and Jimmy tries to possess Gary, but he can't, because of Gary's star shaped badge. It burns his hand and like really hurts him, so he goes retreating right back inside of Gillian, like the coward that he is. I have a guess about why the star shaped badge made it like almost like a talisman of protection for Gary, which is that it's somehow, because it's related to the spell, because in the spell Sally said his favorite shape will be a star. And somehow related to the spell, there's something about the spell that's on the badge, or it could be something that Sally says earlier in the movie, when she says, she's talking about magic and witchcraft and how it's not evil, and it's just kind of like the magic that she practices practical magic is sort of like natural magic isn't the way that magic has been presented in the movies in the past, and it's very like about giving power to things that are normally not very powerful things at all. Something as commonplace as his badge, it doesn't really mean anything, but you assign meaning to it, and that's why it has power. That could have something to do with it, it's never explained in the movie, it's one of those things where you either get it or you don't. I say about like something that like should probably be explained in the film, and it's just not explained, it's like well you either get it or you don't, you just, you have to write fan fiction, you have to write fan fiction. It's not a trick to hell, because it goes tried to possess him, whether it was successful or not, he's scared out of his fucking mind. He goes with Sally out to the garden, and they have this very dramatic sort of conversation. Meanwhile, unbeknownst to them, Julian is possessed by the devil, but they have to have their romantic tettet, so they go out into the garden after this happened, and he confesses, he says, I read your letter a thousand times, as a matter of fact, it was your letter that brought me here to begin with. Yes, I've been chasing Jimmy, yes, I've been trying to get this guy, but really you are the reason I am here. And he says, and I'm all mixed up about that. And Sally says, here's the truth, here's the fucking tea, you want another tea, here's the tea. I sent for you in a spell that I did when I was a really little girl, and she frames it in a way where it's like, okay, because I did the spell on you, that means that what you feel for me isn't real, it's all just in the spell. And of course she would feel that way, I'm sure she has mixed up feelings about love spells and how all that shit goes, because of what happened with her husband and what the ants did, and et cetera, et cetera. And she tells him that he can't possibly know how he really feels about her beyond the spell, but we know the truth girls, and as a matter of fact, so does he. He says, probably one of my favorite lines in the movie, right before he leaves, he turns around and he tells her, you know what, I wished for you too. And I think that's a really powerful moment in the movie because Sally is feeling so conflicted about, she didn't mean to do what she did and send for him and make him come to her, that wasn't her intention. And again, she has really conflicted feelings about this love spell nonsense because of what happened with her husband. And I think it was really, really important for him to say, I wish for you too, because then it's not just her, then it's not just her as an, quote unquote, evil witch, doing some spell on some poor unsuspecting kid, who has spent his whole life looking for this girl, because of a spell that she did. As a matter of fact, he might have, in his own way, done a little bit of a spell to find her as well, I wished for you too. So it takes that pressure off of Sally to be like, oh, I'm the one who did all this, it gives him a little bit of power over the situation to also say like, maybe I actually want this and this is actually real, and this isn't just about some stupid spell that you did when you were a little girl. So they have that romantic tettet. And meanwhile, Jillian possessed by the devil. For some fucking reason, Sally was like, we're safe and Jimmy is gone. But he's not, he's inside of Jillian, he's been inside of Jillian the whole entire fucking time. And right when Sally discovers that Jillian is still possessed by Jimmy, she fucking beats his/her ass, beats Jillian/Jimmy's ass, and right then that's when the ants decide to come back. And it's about damn time because I'm going to tell you some, these two were in big fucking trouble. And what do they decide to do? This is the big conclusion moment of the movie. They tie Jillian and Jimmy up to a chair. But they need a full coven of women, not witches, they say women, a full coven of women to help banish Jimmy from Jillian's body and from the house in general. So Sally's great idea is that she is going to, as the top of the phone tree, as the illustrious top of the phone tree Queenie, she says, I'm going to activate the phone tree. And she calls all of these women who have reviled her and called her names and spoken about her poorly in front of her and behind her back for years. And she says, everything that everybody has always said about me is the truth. And I am a witch. And all of these women who, again, have looked down their noses at her, they hear what's going on, and they hear that this evil man who has abused Jillian won't leave her the fuck alone. They hear that, and all of these women ban together in spite of the fact that they don't like witchcraft, in spite of the fact that they think Jillian's a whore, in spite of the fact that they think Sally's a freaky deaky, they ban together. Because I think if there's one thing that women know about, it is, of course, the evils of men. Even if these women hated these evil fucking witch bitches before they decide in this moment that's like all that stuff is irrelevant because we really need to help somebody out who's in a really bad situation. They don't even know the specifics. They don't know if somebody's possessed. They don't know Jimmy's dead. They show up anyway. They show up with brooms, and one of them brings a vacuum cleaner because, of course, she's a modern woman, that's just a stupid little goofy gag. I'm sure Roger Ebert hated that. All these women come in, and they form a circle around Jillian who's all fucked up, like exorcist style fucked up. There's this really dramatic scene of Sally and Jillian slicing their hands open just like at the beginning of the movie when they made their blood off, and they hold hands, and then one by one, all of the women's hands join together. And together, not only do they exercise Jimmy from Jillian's body, but they also manage to break the age-old Owens curse that has doomed any man who would ever love an Owens woman. And we need it. We've been needing that. We've been needing that because otherwise Officer Gary was going to be in very big trouble. So in the end, after all of that, after Jimmy has been eradicated, after the evil has been defeated, after the women of the town have finally accepted Jillian and Sally as women of their own ilk, Gary, sends Sally a package with Jimmy's ring and a letter that says Jimmy's death was accidental. And he made up some story about Jimmy having died in a car accident. So he destroyed evidence, he lied, he made shit up, all so that Sally wouldn't have to go to prison. This is obviously, I mean, it's a strange one, but it is a grand romantic gesture. And both Jillian and Sally know that it's a grand romantic gesture. And Sally says to Jillian, the whore of Babylon, what would you do? And Jillian says, what wouldn't I do for the right guy? So it kind of like we go back to that juxtaposition from the beginning of the movie. Jillian is the hopeless romantic and she has gotten herself into very, very big trouble in the past. I mean, the whole movie was about her big trouble with being the hopeless romantic. Whereas Sally is the smart one with the, she has a good head on her shoulders, she doesn't just fall for anybody. She doesn't go throwing herself into bad situations with bad guys the way that Jillian does. And yet at the end of the movie, it's Sally is the one who is actually winding up with somebody. And Jillian has discovered her own form of independence after so many years of essentially being like, arm candy for guys. So what wouldn't I do for the right guy? Well, Sally knows. So has again, Crystal by Stevie Nix, please. Sally summons Gary to her one more time, just like in the first spell that she did as a little girl. And he comes to her from who knows where. And she says, one of my favorite lines in the movie, she says, in kind of like a voiceover, can love travel back in time and heal a broken heart. And what she's referring to is the Owens curse and she's referring to her ancestor Maria, who died of a broken heart on the island and who accidentally invented the curse for the lineage of Owens women can love travel back in time and heal a broken heart. I'm asking you, can it? Can it? Well, no, put in the movie. Yes, absolutely. At the end of the movie, there's this really, really cheesy scene where all of the witches, Sally, Jillian, the ants, et cetera, jump off the roof of the house. And they fly, but it's a nice, it's cheesy, but it's nice because they're doing it in front of the entire town on Halloween. And everybody's cheering and clapping. Like, they're proud to have witches in their town and they love their local witches, which is, of course, you know, kind of the point of the movie, or at least for Sally's Ark, all Sally ever wanted to do was fit in. But she could never just like be one of the normal moms in the phone tree. It always had to be like, you have to figure out a way to fit in as a witch. And this is how the movie kind of concludes itself. Now, on the surface, I'll tell you the truth. This is a cheesy movie from the 90s about witches that stars two women who hadn't quite yet hit the prime of their careers yet. And on the surface, if you were a man, I could understand why this movie might not click with you. But in reality, the truth is, this is a movie about, first of all, the importance of family and in specific, the bonds of sisterhood, not just with blood relatives, like I said before, but also with your found family, like, for lack of a better word, your coven, and also just in the sisterhood of women in general. How when another woman is being menaced or abused or taken advantage of by men, it's kind of part of our duty, really to first of all, believe her, and second of all, to stand by her. And that applies to many different situations, and not just situations involving ghosts and possession and witchcraft, but real life situations, things that are happening right now in the real world. It's also a movie about the truth and being true to who you really are, and that being normal and fitting in, quote unquote, isn't really all that it's cracked up to be. And nine times out of pen, what people are going to like the most about you are the things that make you different from them. All of that is what's at the forefront of this movie, while the love story is just the fun little side plot that's mostly just there to entertain us. The real story is in the sisterhood. It's in the dumb, faith, hail, needle drop, and the Stevie Nicks, which shit of it all. It is a fun movie, it's a feel good movie, and you don't get a lot of feel good movies in the spooky or haunted or Halloween genre. So, to me, this is one of the most unique and original movies in the genre, and I think that it's one that needs to be a part of everybody's rotation every single year. I mean, for Christ's sake. It's a movie that means so much to me that I only watch it during my favorite month of the year, a lot of times on the most important day of my year, which is my birthday. This is honestly, it's the kind of movie where immediately after I finish it, I just want to watch it again and again, and it was kind of sad this year because I was doing an episode on it. I kind of had to take notes on it, and I wasn't just sitting there watching it just to watch it and just to enjoy it the way that I normally am. And as soon as I finished it and I finished all my notes and written it all up, I was like, I really kind of want to press play again and kind of watch it the way that it was meant to be watched. So who knows, I might watch it a second time this year because I love the vibes. I love the energy. I love Nicole Kidman and Sandra Bullock, and I love how deeply femcoded it is. I just think it's like the best movie. I think it's the best movie ever! I think it's the best movie ever, so if you haven't seen it, although why are you listening to this if you haven't seen it? Why are you all the way at the end of the episode and you haven't seen it? You've probably seen it, at least if you've made it to this point in the episode. So you've made it to this point in the episode. Thank you so much for listening. Again, if you liked what you heard here, remember that you can subscribe for more at thelizardreview.substack.com. You can also find me on Instagram, Spotify, Apple Music as Metalizard or Metalizard Queen, and you can always find me on the evolution of a snake. Which is, of course, THE Taylor Swift Podcast. Thank you for listening. Again, my name is Madeline, and this is the Lizard Review. [Music] (gentle music) [BLANK_AUDIO]