The Johnny Salami Podcast
Geo Perez
Think I took a shit my neighbor's lawn Well, I love you, Madgy Dick And I've met you, Madgy Dick Why did you leave me here tonight? Goodbye, if you're not Oh, well, I've hurt him Oh, baby, it's not a lie I think of you and Brian, I tell you what it's called Bring back my lawn It's fucking cold, dude, my fucking nipples are hard Dude, that's crazy, why is it only the nipples that get hard? You know what I mean? You think you're supposed to be like a wreck or something? Well, not only that, maybe just like your nostrils or your earlobes Or just like just your nipples Or your butthole, you know how heat expands and then cold Yeah, you know, like your dick shrivels up Like, why doesn't your butthole shrivel up in the cold? But your dick and balls do And then your nipples get hard, basically, because it's shriveled up Dude, I think it's because my butthole's like hidden by a rainforest Like, dude, my fucking butthole's like funded by... Yeah, dude My butthole's funded by like fucking Lockheed Martin, dude But Robin Williams has been trapped in there for 40 years I think about that a lot, like what it would take to like Because people always say gay shit about like finger in their ass and stuff Or at least the people I talk to, dude And I'm just like, dude, I can't even imagine getting that far into my ass Well, I have only to get drugs out Really? Yeah, because it kind of went too far in like I left them in there for too long And they just kind of squirmed their way up Did you put them in there yourself or you had someone else? No, no, no, I've never put drugs in my own, that's my trunk only I can pack it Yeah, I was gonna say that'd be wild, dude, if you had like another man Oh yeah, that would be weird Because you, yeah, so how'd you know like how far to go in there? Well, the thing was it was just it was like 20 grams of Coke Yeah But it was all bagged up in grams All right And it wasn't like in regular jewelry bags I would put it in a corner of a sandwich bag and tie it Yeah And like a little ass knot and then cut it off, people hated that Because Coke has wanted to close the bag back up Yeah But I didn't give a fuck, I had the best Coke So I'm like, you know, you're gonna take the Coke and not the bag But it was just lumped up like this Almost like a golf, a little bigger than a golf ball Yeah And a cop got behind me And I just panicked and he was just following me around So I just went in And just shoved it in there with no hesitation Oh wow And I remember just feeling like a part of my soul dying While it was just like a tear and then just it was just my soul leaving my body Yeah Because it just I felt it in the back of my neck Because it was just no heads like there was no ease it in I'm like I'm getting pulled over jammed it in there And then he hits the fucking sirens And as soon as I pull over, he just kept going Oh wow So I raped myself for no reason Yeah, I was gonna say to it if he pulled you over He'd be like, dude, why are you hard right now? Why does it smell like butt stuff in here? So you doing anal dude? The problem was the problem was It like midday or was it at night? It was like in the evening It was still light. It was still light. It was still light. That's why I knew I was just like, oh shit, he saw me I was like, he's over. You think you could pull off being gay for at least like a few minutes Just be like, my bad. I was just getting dirty Coming from my boyfriend Yeah Maybe not at the time Because the whole thing is, man, they can't go in your butt Unless they have a warrant And then if they get the warrant They're coming in with the SWAT If they have a canine with them, though, that kind of smells it a little bit Smells your butt I don't think I'd be able to smell it Really? Yeah, I think it's deep in there Yeah, it's trapped I think, and especially when I was 17, I shouted twice a week So that dog was gonna get sick That dog was gonna die Gonna pass away Yeah, he was better off eating chocolate than smelling my ass Yeah Yeah, what do you think you would do, though? Today, if you were about to get arrested 'Cause I think I would just say I'm like a gay fucking retard transgender immigrant Oh, yeah I just say I'm a migrant And they'll just I'll just add, no, no, no Just say Just j-j-gay, I just got here Just say no, say I just see what happens Dude, I feel like you can get away with anything right now Just pretend like you're a migrant Especially if you have like a moped Oh, dude, I just saw a dude come in here I saw a dude do a willy on a moped Really? Yeah, it was the coolest shit ever I didn't know those things can willy Yeah And I was like, yeah, I feel bad for whoever's food is on the back I wonder who's making them opeds, man 'Cause those definitely aren't like Chinese mopeds, dude I think Italy Really? Yeah I was thinking more like Japan, dude Do you think so? I don't know, it makes better mopeds I think the man can- I know China makes like shit China I mean, everything they make is garbage Yeah, shit But it's cheap, so people just buy it You're a team-o-guy, you buy team-o stuff No, I used to have a moped, though, when it was Japanese, dude And it fucking lasted so long, dude It was crazy I would treat it like shit, dude Every year, I'd have to go to this fucking old guy's house And he would have to like clean out the carbon stuff And I had no idea what he was doing But he was just like, yeah, man, you're lucky This is like a nice fucking moped, dude I just go to him every year, dude It's like this weird cowboy, dude You know, those guys just have like- Not in New York, this isn't New York No, this isn't Rhode Island, dude He lived up the road from me And I would just like knock on his door And be like, "Hey, man, can you like fix my moped?" He would charge you? Yeah, he was one of the weirdest guys I've ever been in my life Why, do you try to touch her or something? When I was a child, dude, he would ride around I should have just stopped there Yeah, okay, I was just like, "Damn, I was like, I don't have like something bad" Yeah, dude, he molested me and ever since I was like, "It's my guy." Dude, you would dress up as like a legit cowboy, dude Really, in Rhode Island Yeah, which is insane, first of all But dude, he had a motorcycle He had like a Harley and he would drive around But he had like a subwoofer system on the Harley, dude Oh, so yeah, so did he have the light system, too? Yeah, he was just like hand out, dude So he would ride around dressed as a cowboy, dude And he would play like hardcore rap Like he would play like 50 cent back in the day He was getting rid of that trike on the trike He would just go like step in D and like a 25 Oh, dude, it's so awesome Nobody even like that at an eye Ah, that's amazing I saw an old white dude on a bike blasting hip hop the other day, too But like old school, not like 50 Like more like a koo-ji rap and rock him and arid B So my eye, that makes sense But like the Harley would like, he looked like a crackhead biker Yeah But listening to hip hop Yeah, if you're playing good music on a Harley, dude, I feel like That's pretty sick Have you ever rode a bike? Have you ever had a bike besides like a moped? No, did my moped had maxed out at like 30 miles an hour I caused like fucking three pileups, dude In the city or Rhode Island? In Rhode Island, I would always get beeped at because I was going too slow And if I had to go up a hill, dude, I'd be going like Well, it was just like battery powered? No, dude, it was just like a regular Gas powered and it only went 30 Yeah, because I didn't have a motorcycle license So the max size, I think you can get is like 50cc So you might as well just be in a bike lane at that point, with that thing Yeah, pretty much, yeah, dude Might as well be at like the Special Olympics with that dude Dude, in DR with a nice moped, you can get some pussy out there, bro For real? Yeah, moped's a big out there Just like in India, like most brown countries, moped's are a big thing It's got to be a two-seater though Yeah, yeah, you need the wide seats You know what I mean? You want the seats that we could fit like like two bitches on the back Or two bitches, one of your friends Yeah, you know You think you could fit a fatty on the back? Oh, yeah, yeah You know, just trying to be easy with the potholes 'Cause you should've fucking jumped off Yeah, dude That would be hilarious if you like took a fatty home and crashed Oh, dude, I hurt my, I pulled my back once Like, I was in a fat She was short, too, like she So she was probably like maybe like 150, but she was like five feet tall Yeah At the time, and I think She was a fatty She was sick, but she was proportioned, right? You know what I mean? She had big titties She had a fat ass But she had a big gut You know what I mean? Chubby face And I was trying to be lazy And I was like, oh, let her get on top Yeah And you know, when you like, you're trying to end And you're doing that little, that thrust up Yeah So I think from that, I pulled my back 'Cause it was just a lot of weight You know, and I was like 50 pounds less at the time Yeah And she was, you know She had, she definitely had We probably, she probably weighed 20 more pounds than me, but I was taller Holy shit Yeah Yeah, as long as you're taller, dude Nah, but the engineering of it Yeah It didn't make sense She was too big You figured it out, though? Nah, man I did one Another girl who was twice her size in Alabama She was big She was huge Yeah And I'm like, I'm just going on top But I just came so quick 'Cause she was so warm and big It was just so much Like, I was hugging her It just felt like It didn't feel like no one's like No one had ever been inside of there No, it felt like there was a lot of For real People inside of her, yeah She, I found out afterwards 'Cause it was a girl I was hooking up with It was her friend Yeah And she was just like Hey, my friend, you know She's going through a drought Yeah It was like a weird thing to ask But I got, I had three sums with this girl and shit So I'm like, I'm sure Yeah And I go to, um Go to hook up with her And we just hooked up once And then she told her friend The reason was is 'Cause I wasn't black And I was like Oh, that's the nicest way To say my dick's not big enough Yeah That's tough, man I had an experience like that recently, dude Well, with a, with a fat girl Wasn't even, like it wasn't sexual at all, dude But I did like a bar show And then I was leaving And this girl was like hanging out outside And she was like Oh, I'm sorry I missed your set And I was like What? Like I don't know I didn't even know what this chick was, dude So I like start talking to her And she's like, yeah Like I've seen you online or whatever Like, I'm- Oh, okay But she was- So she was there for you? She was retarded, dude She was like, I moved here from North Carolina And I was like, why? And she was like, I want to produce comedy shows So she's a comic? No That's what I asked I was like, oh, you're a comp She's like, no, I just want to, like, produce shows And I was like, oh, so you're retarded See a chucklefucker Yeah But dude, I thought I was crushing it, man Like talked to her for, like, 15 minutes, dude She was pretty? Was she pretty? Yeah, I mean, for, like, my standards for sure, man What are you saying? This is what you type Solid 5, solid 6, man I think she was pushing the edge on, like, 7 Really? You know? She was like a- She was a Brooklyn girl, man She had, like, piercings and, like, tattoos But, like, an- Here we are, bits And a sexual way, dude I kind of like a trashy, like, Bushwick bitch 'Cause you know, you know, she likes it, like, crazy She's like, they try to act like, oh, I'm sexy 'Cause, like, oh, you know, all this stuff is bad But they'll have, like, you know, like, the weirdest fantasies They're like, oh, I want you to kidnap me first And then, you know, uh, send my father a ransom note And then, I'm gonna come to his reply Yeah, they're open-minded, man Yeah, very open-minded Yeah, that's what it is, though But it used to be, like, their idea Like, they're the weird ones Yeah, that just takes a little bit to get out of them, man Yeah, yeah I've never experienced that personally, but That's what was- like, what you just described was going on in my mind I was like, oh, dude, that's too detailed I'm gonna take this chick home, dude But, at, like, the 15-minute mark, dude This black dude came out And, uh, he was like, you ready to go? To her Yeah, and I was like, oh, damn 'Cause that, you know, I can't compete with that, man Nah, I can't You know At some points, like, I'll be with the girl on a date Yeah And if a black dude comes along, you just- But no, you guys go- Especially, like, a chill black dude Yeah Like, one who's, like, cool Like, you start talking to him, and you're like, wow, this dude's really nice You almost start falling in love with him You're like, oh, dude, I want you to fuck the shit out of this girl Yeah But I don't even wanna watch, like, on no cuck shit Um, you know, just go have a good time without me Yeah, I've never been in a situation where that happened And I was like, oh, let's get competitive You just challenge him to a one-on-one basketball? Just, like, dude, pull your pants down right now Yeah Uh, dude, dude, I think, uh, you know how cool it would be, right? Like, you ever been, like, you're just walking with a girl And there's, like, a group of black dudes And they try to hit on, they try to hit on your girl While you're there with them, is that ever happening? Me, personally, no, I've seen that in, like, a few pornos, though Like, a few blowbangs Yeah, blow that time story And I've been through that with a girl I wasn't even with a fucking witch She was just a hot comic that I was just going somewhere Did you, like, you, did you, like, fascinate about her, though? Like, was that the end goal? Oh, yeah, I fascinate about even the ugly comic 'Cause, uh, I'm like, what would it be like? You know, I just tried to picture a labia or something Pretty much anything with tits, dude Yeah, yeah, I was like, oh, she has eyes She doesn't see me, she's as long as she has half her teeth I don't even give a fuck As long as she has the front ones, back teeth Yeah, you're thinking about it That gets in the way, yeah, yeah But, uh, but it would be, 'cause, like, the dude's just, like, Like, hitting on her, like, cat calling her She's gorgeous, you're making, girl And I was, like, how cool would be if she just turned to them She's, like, no, I'm good, he has a 14-inch cock To you? Yeah, to, like, to the guys Like, it just points at me, he's like, oh, no, no, no I'm good, fellas, he has a 14-inch cock Yeah, yeah, so I think I'm gonna train my girls It just came in my head While I was walking with her, and I was like I mean, if I say anything, violin, I'm gonna get beat up I'm gonna get jumped And Harlem And, you know, that's the worst place you want to get jumped And this is one of the worst places Like, you're getting to get, uh, CTE from, from that aspect And it just popped in my head, I was like, oh, it would be so much funnier Just be like, oh, you just whip your dick out instead And it's like, it's like winter, like, jump out of a cold water Small Like, what, you can't compete with this fellas What are you gonna do? Yeah And it's like a stalemate 'cause they're like, whoa, this guy's like They don't know what to do, it just, it fries their circuit 'Cause it's like, oh, this guy just whipped his dick out We should, you know, whoop his ass for being gay Yeah, I mean, dude, you would know better than me, though Like, I feel like most black dudes I've met are pretty homophobic Like, very homophobic Just you pulling down your pants, I feel like, would do the job No, no, like, words, just They're like, whoa Yeah Yeah Maybe just, like, ask him if you wanna, like, fuck Hey, guys, can you look at it? Can you rate my dick from one to ten? Look at it, look at it, make eye contact, go, go Feel like that would do the job, dude I'm pretty sure you're in circumcised, too Don't act like you've never seen foreskin before Yeah, I do But you would have to, like, train that chick to, uh, to say that Yeah, you might have to pay her, like, a large sum of money But, like, I got $89 Can you just tell him I have a 14-inch cock? Or you just feel it coming, and you're like, oh, these guys are gawking Like, listen, if they start hitting on you, say, I'm good fellas His cock is 25 inches long Yeah Do you feel, like, did you feel good that they were kind of cack-horned, or, though, or did you kind of get scared? Uh, was there a sense of pride a little bit? No, no, there was, like, a sense of, like, oh, this girl looks at me, like, um Like, if she was in danger, it's over for her But, again, like, uh, I would fight for a girl that was mine Yeah, it's nice If I was fucking her, I'm like, ah, I gotta You know, 'cause you don't want to hear- Really? I want to keep fucking you, but it's not somebody I'm fucking So it's kind of like- You would fight for a woman that you're having sex with 'Cause I think- Not all of them, no I feel like I would dip on most, man If she's annoying Like, if she's a girl that I'm like, oh, I could bring her around my friends Yeah, I might fight for her But if she's, like, an embarrassment, I might let her get beat up Yeah, yeah And then just act like I wasn't paying attention Yeah 'Cause I didn't hear you screaming I feel that, yeah I was playing chess on my phone, it was intense, you know Yeah, I mean, I've never been in a fight before, though You never fizzed for it? Like, a real fight No, but I think about it a lot Dude, you fantasize, we have fight fantasies I fantasize about, like, the altercation beforehand Oh, like, uh, like, you sayin' some cool shit Yeah, I wouldn't say anything cool, but I'm, like, pretty retarded, dude So I would, like, feel a sense of pride If I said something so retarded That, like, it ended everything, you know? So, like, I come up to you right now, like, when I'm like, yo, you're my man Yo, funny mustache, what the fuck you lookin' at? Dude, I would pull out my left-not, dude And I'd give you one of these But, uh, would you do it, like, under the box of brief or the- Or you'd do it like my left-not-right-of-the-boxer Honestly, dude, I think I would just pull down my pants in general, but I've been practicing this shit in the mirror where I go like this I, like, I scream it at the top of my lungs when no one's home Yeah I'm just, like, yo, I fear God, homie But it's, like, really loud Like, I scream at, like, my life's on the line That would be some dope shit to say, like, only God can judge me, you know? 'Cause that's gay and confusing, dude Yeah, yeah Like, if you can bind both of those together Yeah, like a tattoo, like, like a tattoo that, like, a wigger white girl will get, you know? It's just, like, you know, um, uh, the-the streets I didn't chose- I didn't choose the streets, so she chose me You just say some shit like that Yeah, but it's, like, the combination of, like, those two things, dude Yeah You know what I mean? But, like, yeah, that's, like, having, like, a tattoo on your back of, like, eagle wings and, like, a cross Go with the- with the- with the reaper But it just says something, like, random, like, boner farts 'Cause, like, you're not gonna fuck with that guy, you know what I mean? Oh, dude, yeah, if somebody just had some retarded tattooed on their belly Yeah, I mean, it's just on top, it just says, you know, characteristic Just- just one- just 'cause most people can't say that word It's just a tongue twister Something's so random, like, you can't even, like, process it, dude Oh, yeah, just have, like, a tongue twister Think about the girls I don't know all the time, dude Didn't a tattoo of, like, a snail on my back? Oh, that would just go It just says dick cheese below it Dick- the dick goo Or you have, like, a dick with a shell on his back And it's like- it's like the- this, you know, it has, like, the- the snail slug goo It, like, it leaves a trail- yeah It's jizz Wait, so where's- it's like a cocks- it's like a cocks slug On- on the cocks back? Yeah, so you have, like, a cocks- you know, like, a slug kind of look like Yeah, it's kind of just, like, a cock base So you just have a cock with a shell on his back Okay And then the- the secretions coming out is just jizz So you have white jizz It, like, covers my whole back, though Yeah, when you make, like, a 3D tattoo It's, like, pointed, like, towards my ass It's going up your spine Yeah It's going out of your ass crack Like, the cocks- you know, just came out your butt Yeah I feel like that is the move, though, dude Like, if you're gonna get in the fight, at least try to confuse someone first before You know What would be- what would be the best way to confuse somebody? 'Cause, like, doing the crazy stuff doesn't work You know, just kind of like, you know, the people, like, punch themselves You know? Yeah, that's like, uh- You just start doing the river dance? That's too generic, though You just look at somebody and you look like you're about to square up And you start doing the, you know, the- Yeah A jig? Yeah, I saw a dude saw- That would fall somebody off Dude, you want to hear someone fucking confusing? Dude I saw a video of this, uh, this, like, gang member, dude And he was, like, screaming at this dude's fucking- He was screaming at this dude on the train And the dude was with his wife Mmm So the guy getting screamed at is with his wife Yeah Oh, dude And his wife was kind of, like, embarrassed 'Cause, like, he was scared, like, he wasn't doing anything Yeah Dude, so she took out I don't know if they were Jewish, dude She took out a bag of coins And she aimed it at the gangster And hit her husband Oh, thank you, dude With a bag of coins? What the fuck? [Laughter] Dude, this is a white couple And what was the guy screaming at, though? He was, like, Mexican or black Dude, he was just talking shit Like, he wasn't even, like, the guy didn't do anything He was just trying to, like, you know He was trying to start something Oh, that's hilarious, man You just have the, the sonic sound effect Yeah Yeah Wouldn't get hit Yeah But, dude, I don't even, I don't know The video ended up, but, like, I feel like after that You gotta, you can't kick that guy's ass Not, yeah, you have to You already won the battle, you know what I mean? Yeah Yeah, you walk away at that point Yeah I remember one time I got into an argument, uh, with these two crackheads 'Cause they threw a beer at my car Really? Yeah, 'cause they were walking the streets They were crossing the street And, uh, they were walking slow And I slowed down, you know, I waited for them to cross I kind of saw them a little late And next thing, I know the guy just From the side just chucks a beer at me So I just Have you ever been in a fight? I've been in a lot of fights Really? Yeah A lot of fights That's, uh, some weapons involved in fights Like, I fights and shit Yeah, I think you told me once about, like, uh, What happened, like, you, like, got your teeth knocked out or something? Yeah, I got pistol whipped at, uh, At, uh, my friend's apartment I actually was doing door dash and delivered some, uh, Some Chinese food there today We got a little traumatized now And I was just, like, looking, I was, like, oh, yeah, you know, it's like, yeah, so I got pistol whipped And then, like, right across the street Is where I got sliced on my neck, same apartment complex Yeah And I was, like, oh, my cousin got shot in the head right here So it was, like, a little tour Did, like, stuff A little traumator Was it random or did it always, like, start off, kind of, like, slow And then, like, like, a movie or? No, the, the, the pistol whipping was random Kind of random Yeah My cousin, who got killed there He was selling a lot of drugs and causing a lot of attention to himself You know what I mean? He bought, he bought, like, a pink beamer He's got a pink beamer not to stop It was, it was blue But when you get a beamer in the hood People equate that to, like, oh, you're a millionaire Yeah, so, somebody tried to rob him Where was this, like, a location-wise? Uh, Long Island Really? Yeah, yeah They got a hood in Long Island There's a hood in every town in Long Island Yeah There's a hood near you Is it, like, a hardcore? It's not as bad as, you know, some places Like, if you're going to, like, you know, sound view projects in the Bronx Or, like, certain places in Providence Where it's just fucking very bad But there are places in Long Island, like, wind dance Amityville What's the other one? I forget, but there are, like, places Where, if they don't know you, there's a good chance to get shot Yeah Or, like, somebody will come and press you Yeah It's just for you It plays that with advice, you not to go Yeah Yeah Start screaming penis and shit Penis! Croquette, faggot Late at night Yeah That wouldn't fly there Dude, no, no No, that actually just, like, what do you want? What's that, what are you buying? They'll think you're buying something They think you're probably, like, method out Not method out, they'll probably think you're, like, smoking crack Or, like, uh Yeah Or, like, cracked out Have you ever smoked crack? Um, no Do you want to? It's like doing coke, man If you, I tell people, I'm like, if you're sniffing coke You might as well just smoke that glass dick and get high Because, one, you're ruining your nostrils And, uh, you're sniffing mostly cut When you smoke crack, even if it's cut up You're getting, like, the way you smoke it out of a glass pipe It purifies it Before, like, casual You are about it, you're like, dude, just fucking Just smoke crack, yeah Or, yeah, because it's that, if you want something better, you gotta inject it Oh If anything, I'd, like, uh I'm pretty sober, guy, but if I was to, uh, go into that field I'd probably, like, get high on fucking ass, dude I just smelling dirty ass It's destroying the environment, but just It's, like, making the, you know, the galaxy gas What is this thing, the galaxy air? Yeah It just have, like, farts and a fucking little tank Like, the CO2 tanks I think I would just open up a business, dude, where you just have, like, a bunch of hot chicks Come into, like, a private facility That's what that's taking, like, rip-ass Oh, dude, it's called the, uh, the money ranch in Reno, Nevada The money ranch? Just feed these bitches carrots all day They'll be ripping ass all that fucking Yeah, that would be cool to have, like, your own way of getting high, though 'Cause I don't know how many people are doing that right now, just getting high off farts Oh, you do, like, some jackass shit Where you just put, like, a spacesuit on somebody Yeah And then girls just farting into tubes Did you just fill up your suits? Yeah, yeah, like people are ripping, bowing at a party And you're just taking ass hits Oh, dude, that would be amazing But, and you know, like, you know, hot girls have the worst diets, too Like, you know, they eat, like, frailing Hot cheetos and just drink white claw So, those farts are fucking right Yeah, the ones with good genetics That would be sick to put on a gas mask And take a fart to the face from, like, a yoga instructor, though, dude Yeah, what? You just come out of the closet It just smells like, like, spirulina and plant beef hills Smells like purer allen fucking plants Yeah, dude, yoga instructors are tight Yeah, dude, you would eat with the first shot Yeah I've been to a few yoga classes, like, no homo But my brother's a yoga instructor He's not gay So you went with dudes? Yeah, yeah, yeah, it was 'cause my brother has classes So I'm just going for free sometimes Oh, that's pretty sick And there's some cute girls there And then you see, like, the other instructors That are, like, in the other classes And I'm like, I almost want to just, like, you know Abandoned my brother's class and go to theirs Yeah And, like, I like staying in the back 'Cause some of them have, like, butter faces So I just kind of, like, I'm in the back of the classroom So I could just widen Not to look at the other girls Just so the instructor looks hotter Yeah It's all about the lighting, dude, and the energy in there 'Cause I don't care about, like, the bitches in there Yeah Like, they're lost They don't know what they're doing Like, I like- Yeah, they're all fucking- I like the outfit bitch Yeah, they're all fucking bipolar, dude Yeah, they're all bipolar, dude They're all bipolar chicks, duo, yoga Have you ever dated, like, a crazy girl? Like, a psycho? That's all I've dated, man Really? Mentally ill, woman Yeah Mentally ill women are very into me, dude Probably 'cause I'm mentally ill, but I respect the honesty 'Cause most people be like, "No, I love crazy bitches" I'm like, "No, that's all you can get" Yeah, I'm too, like, empathetic as a guy Oh, you try to save them? Have you seen them before these holes? No, I just kind of, like, cry alone, dude, you know what I mean? I've had a lot of chicks who, like, I don't know that they're mentally ill, but then I kind of find out and then I, like, feel bad for myself But then I feel bad for them, too Right You think you could change it? It makes me feel bad for myself, dude Like, one time I went to this island for, like, the 4th of July, dude And I met this chick- Was it Long Island? Is it Block Island? Where's that at? That's on- Off the coast of, like, Rhode Island Oh, okay You just have to take a ferry there It's like a good 4th of July spot, dude, like, it's Titty City You couldn't take a straight friend? You had to take a faggot with you? I didn't take anyone Oh, I said you took a ferry, like, you took a gay guy with you It's going to take me, like, three minutes process that- I'm a fucking hack I'm, like, thinking wicked hard, I'm like, wait, what? I was a lady on it But, uh, no- You met the Block Island? I met this chick on a boat, dude And, uh, everyone kind of, like, left the boat to go to, like, the beach and stuff And it was me and her, like, drinking and stuff, like, talking and she was pretty hot And, uh, I remember leaving that island, dude, like, eating, uh, fucking croissant, bro Just thinking, like, dude, I can't- this is the best weekend of my life, man, like, I- I don't want to leave here And then I started, like, texting this girl afterwards when I got back home And, dude, she would, like, text shit backwards Like, I thought I was reading, like, Latin and stuff So, she would dyslexic And I was, like, oh, there's nothing wrong with, like, dyslexic chick, you know But then I found out that she was, uh, she's mentally ill, dude What was she saying? Was, like, the- like, the message is normal? No What was, like, what were you seeing backwards? Did you have to, like, put it in a mirror? Was it that backwards? I had to use, like, fucking, uh, AI shit What was this crazy bitch saying? Yeah, my computer just, like, lit on fire, dude Yeah, no, she would just say, like, mentally ill shit, like, uh I love you Yeah, like, one day she'd be, like, oh my god, you're so cool And the next day she'd be, like, oh my god, you're so gay And I was, like, oh, this is pretty normal, you know, like, it's usually what happens But then it would continuously happen over and over again, like, it would be, like, sporadic and shit The dying old shit That I confirmed with another, uh, person You know, I was, like, this person, like, retarded and they were, like, yeah Mm-hmm But I was, like, I wasn't in love with her, dude, so I was in love with a retarded person for, like You liked the hot and cold of it You liked, like, oh, she's so nice to me, now she's being mean, why she's being mean But that's what the certain girls do, where, like, oh, I'm just gonna Dude, I literally thought she was, like, a normal human being No, no, no, like, imagine me going on a date with a special needs chick And just not knowing that she's special needs Yeah, yeah, it's just, like, you know, her eyes are very beady, you thought she was Asian Yeah, and it was, like, you meet her parents and they're both white Yeah, she, like, drives into, like, a fucking gas tank I'm, like, that was hilarious Dude, I've had sex with, like, girls that after the fact, I realized, I'm, like, oh, she's retarded But she's, she's, like, an eight, so you can't tell Yeah, dude, mentally ill chicks and better, just Yeah, you know 'Cause you don't, you only find out when you just have, like, a deep conversation with them Yeah, you know, and he's just, like, oh, you know, yeah, you know, what do you think about 9/11? Yeah, you know, how do you feel about that, you know, do you think Epstein really killed himself? Yeah And then they're, like, oh, no, you know, 9/11 was not an inside job And Epstein definitely killed himself I'm, like, oh, this bitch is a fucking retard Yeah, you know, she's gonna vote for Kamala Harris And, you know, I'm gonna not, I'm gonna vote for the other guy, I'm not gonna vote regardless Have you, have you gotten with chicks that are, like, mentally ill though? Oh, yeah! For real Yeah, I've had girls, like, cut themselves in front of me Wow But, like, with dull scissors Holy shit Yeah, and I didn't realize, like, 'cause they're not for, like, the blood They just want to cause a little pain And she had a scar on her inner thigh Wow And she just had to know it, she just, like, just had a breakdown 'Cause I was trying to break up with her Yeah, it'd be hard as a rock Oh, dude, I was hard and I was recording it, so I could beat off to it later Wow And also, in case you didn't know her No, it was just my phone Just an apple, just an iphone 5 You had to go pro like I'm on your chest I had a minus cap Like, "Gio, why are you wearing the helmet with the camera again?" And you're telling her it's like a school project Yeah, like, yeah, don't mind that She's, like, trying extra hard Yeah, they're just, I don't go to jail I'm like, "This is just proof that I didn't assault you" Yeah Yeah, but she was the love of my life That's what I've heard, man, on the Reddit threads A lot of dudes talk about that, man They're like, "I'm in love with this woman, but she's mentally ill" Yeah But it's, I think it's because of the sex, man My mom was mentally ill How so? Uh, she, she's like a OCD, um, like cleaner Yeah Like, she's very OCD with cleaning and stuff She has, like, schedules She has to clean out a certain time Clean certain things, certain days And, uh, she doesn't stop, right? Yeah And I realized, um, she was bipolar I'm diagnosing her Yeah Because Dominicans don't believe in mental health That, like, doesn't exist So, like, seeing her and knowing what she's been through I'm like, um, she, uh, also, she's very violent Yeah I found out that she used to fight guys Wow She used to beat up dudes Just for fun Yeah Just for fun It's just, no, she just had anger issues Said anger issues And, uh I mean, not to, like, bash your mom, dude But there's probably mad dudes, like, spanking Do her Uh, yeah, dude, I had posted a video And her feet just happened to be in it Yeah And, uh, a comedian, Michael Figgs, a dirt bag He's a terrible person He is, uh, he's a shit Yeah, he's, yeah, I think he's, you know, he's a rapist Just swim back, dude Uh, 100% rapist He's got a podcast called, like, Fig Talk or something Fig Talk, yeah, don't even think about watching it Yeah, he talks about the raping girls That's just everything that he takes I think he does it on the podcast If you're a girl with a mattress tied to her back Come to Fig Talk No, but he put on a comment He commented, my mom's, he's like, I thought This was a foot fettest page And it got, like, 20,000 likes The comment This was recently Yeah, this was recently It's my biggest video ever made And it sucks because, um I realized it was more about my mom's feet Than the actual content And it was just something, we were just watching a baseball game And her feet was just happened to be there Yeah I was just trying to fuck my grandmother, you know She's old Yeah Trying to have a good time She's a Yankee fan Yeah So I put on MLB the show, told her it was a game Yeah And it went viral That's tough, man It went viral from my mom's feet So you're kind of, like, upset or, like, is it a little bit of pride? Nah, there's not, it's just, you know, somebody said my mom's feet look like that had knuckles And I was like, okay, this is You take it after her, dude, no homo But it's as far as feet? Yeah I got nice feet Yeah I got my father's feet 'Cause I'm saying, dude, if, like, you know I got gay-ass feet, I got gay-ass feet Do you ever think about doing, like, only fans or something? Only feats Only feats? Yeah, man, feet are, like, really crushing it I know, you know, I've had friends, guy friends admit That they've sold feet pictures online Yeah And, um I wouldn't be opposed to it I'm gonna be opposed to, you know, horing myself out Yeah, there's no shame in that Yeah It just had my feet, like, crunched up to my cock Yeah I mean, whatever it takes, man I met a lot of people, man, who have had only fans and made a good amount of money, you know Oh, yeah, I know a few Some of them take care of me, in comedy But, yeah, man, I had a... Sloot the carafean Hey, my friend's mom was, um, Guatemalan, dude Not that that's related to the DR, but... It's close I would jerk off to her a lot, dude No, did she have a big belly? No, did she was one of the hottest women I've ever seen in my life Harry sideburns, but, like, a fat ass Huge ass, dude She, uh, she had, like, a tramp stamp, too Oh, yeah, so she ran with the games Sometimes she would be gardening out front, dude Doing some mulch work, and shit And she would bend over, dude I would be on my bike just hard as a rock You know Just on the moped Yeah, and as I got older 'Cause I've known her my whole life, dude So I would see her when I was older And I, like, lost weight and stuff And became, like, somewhat of a man Right And she'd be like, "Oh, my God, John, like, I can't even recognize you And, dude, I would spank so hard to that, dude She touched her chest She rubbed your nipples I don't think she'd ever touch me But that would, dude, that would pull me over the edge, man Dude, Latino women are very touchy If they like you, if they like you You get, like, a rub on the shoulder "Me and Moi, how you doing, yo?" Yeah, I mean, dude, I don't know I've never, I've been, like, delving into it, man Like, thinking about dating, uh, people like... Have you been with Latina? No, but I've been thinking about it, man You know, like, I feel like it would be cool 'Cause, like, girls really aren't loyal nowadays And I think that'd be cool to have, like, a loyal woman in my life Oh, you want loyal and mental illness? Get yourself a Latina Yeah, I don't know about the mental illness, man But the loyal team, maybe, you know? No, I mean, it comes with it It's part of the game, yeah None of them are just, like, mentally, like, held together No, fuck, none of them I mean, but they are traditionally good women Most of them, not the new generation But, you know, a lot of my cousins who were in late For, you know, '40s, '50s and stuff like that They're very traditional, cooking clean for their men Yeah, you have to, like, support them, all right Nah, they work What are they doing for work? I mean, some of them have good jobs Some of them are just janitors Some of them are, like, uh, you know None of them are only fans I don't have, like, I have a lot of cousins who are whores But not to that level Yeah, one of my buddies, he has a, uh, he has a, um, a Mexican wife And he has to support her But she does, like, all the cleaning and stuff And, like, farts on his, like, his balls and shit Oh, so she's a freak, too Yeah As long as he supports her, like, she'll give you a blumkin, dude She'll make you a fucking bean fucking cake Make up a poosas and shit Yeah, dude, she'll do, like, a cake fart video Like, live on the spot It just feels a buttcrack with, like, whipped cream and just farts Have you seen that video, cake farts? Isn't that when they, like, pack their ass crack With, like, frosting or something And they fart, so, like, kind of pushes it out It's just one girl, dude And, uh, she's like, uh, there's no competition She's got a monopoly on cake farts No, dude, I think it got taken down from Pornhub But it's just this really hot chick And she makes, there's, like, a really well-made cake on the table And, uh, yeah, dude, she just walks up to it Sits on it and rips a heater, dude And there's this, like... You see the trail? The one trail? There's just, like, like, a trail of, like, fucking cream everywhere and shit But the sound it makes, dude, is so fucking funny Yeah, would you even go that after that? She rips multiple farts, dude, dude After she, like, rips a fart, now, she has frosting all in her taint and cooch Would you clean it up with your mouth after she ripped ass? Yeah, dude This chick's, like, a solid 10 Not even if she was a 5, dude, the fact that she did that, I would do that in, you know what I mean? Yeah, I'm contemplating that, I don't know Cause I'm not, I'm not into farts when it comes to bitches Really? A queen is cool Yeah, but this, listen, man, I've seen chicks fart before and I'm not in, uh, chick farts either But this one was a whole different level She had a big butt Yeah, like, you can't watch this video without laughing, dude Dude, girls, girls with big butts, they're, they're fucking farts have so much base to it Yeah Like, they had some of them, like, have man farts Like, it's just not even, like, funny, you know, most farts, you hear farts Acting Like, they're intimidating, you're like, whoa Yeah That's about my baby mother back in the day Uh, it was me and my cousin and her and we were like, we just had smoke, we're watching the movie And my daughter's mother's laying on top of me, like, laying sideways Yeah And we're watching the movie, my cousin's sitting to the left of me And all of a sudden, like, you know, she's knocked out and all of a sudden, she just goes Yeah You know, she's got fat ass Yeah Fucking explosion So loud, she woke up from it Wow She woke up from it, looked up at me To see if I noticed and then just put her head back down Wow Like, like, I didn't just hear that And I was just thinking about my cousin hearing my baby mother just rip ass Yeah And I woke up We were hard as a rock Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah I started, like, you know, pulling my pants down Because once I realized, I look over, because like, that's embarrassing, my cousin just You know Is he's probably brought car too, but I look over and he's He's a big fellow And he's just on, he's on, like, sleeping into his chest You ever seen a fat person, like Yeah, like, he was there as a pillow Yeah, like, the chin just kind of So I look and he's just passed out and I'm like, oh, thank God And I could jerk off Because he's sleeping Yeah And then I just kind of came on her face because she's laying on my chest I think an ideal situation Yeah It's a good dream scenario I was like, oh, this is a perfect time I was thinking the same thing, though, like, my Guatemalan friend had, like, a hot sister And she would take massive shit, dude Like, sometimes I would go to take a shit at his house And she, like... And you'd go in after? I would go in after doing the toilet, would just be, like, clawed Was she a big girl? No, she was super hot, but, like, a fat ass So I was like, dude, I wonder if, like... Yeah, because girls hold it in for, like, five days They try not to shit as much as possible Well, I mean, dude, if you're like, like, Hispanic women with fat asses I think they just take big shits Yeah, because they have a bigger tank And they're just eating beans all day, shit, dude Right, so they had a lot of starch It's like eating Chipotle all day, you know But I like to think it's because, like, they have fat asses, you know Dude, I was always a guy, but as I got older, I went more for boobs Really? Yeah That's what I've noticed I think I'm trying to settle down Yeah, man, tits are pretty powerful nowadays Because, you know, it's for the baby, you know Like, I'm getting older now, I'm wearing another kid Like, yeah, the fact that it's gonna feed your newborn is like Gotta feed a village, you know? Yeah, yeah I want the village feeders Yeah, I feel you, dude There And also, I think it's just kind of like, I got bored of asses, and then BBL's ruined it You know what I mean? Like, remember how, like, the Matrix came out BBL was, like, uh The Brazilian butt lift The fake butts Oh Yeah I thought it stood for big black lesbians Big b- (laughter) Blue b- (laughter) No, it's a big black, it would be- it would be a big black dikes 'Cause they don't use the word "lesbian" Oh, really? Yeah, they're still in, like, 95 Like, politically, correct Yeah, they don't like the word "lesbian" Say like, you know, "bull dagger" "dike" "Dike" is politically correct And in the black community Oh, okay Yeah, you can't use it in the white community But black people still use "dike" All right Yeah, it's pretty sick It's kind of a sick word, honestly I love the "dikeman" You ever been to "dikeman" In Manhattan? That's where all the Dominican are Really? Yeah, "dikeman" "dikeman road" So are you, like, uh, like what's your lineage? Are you, like, full-on, uh, DR? Yeah, both of my parents are born and raised out there, grandparents, but, um, they're so fucking country I don't know my lineage like that Yeah But my brother did the 23 and me And we have some, like, Middle Eastern in us It's just, like, it showed Middle Eastern Native American, like, Taino Indians Yeah Uh, it showed some European, um, and, like, 16% Sub-Saharan African Yeah So that's why I started seeing the Edward Lass I'm like, all right Just 'cause I'm Dominican, I kind of... Yeah Got a pro-rescue, dude Yeah, man, I've been doing it my whole life So... Yeah So, you know, I've been black my whole life Yeah What, uh, did you play baseball at all? Nah, dude, I played no sports I played for a church, a basketball church team once And I was so terrible Didn't someone say you played... I think someone said you played baseball No You think they're just racist? Mad racist They're just being racist Fucked up, dude I got cousins who almost made it into the league But, like, yeah, they were fucking gay Like, they, like, one was like in a baseball camp In Dominican Republic And he came back for a girl Yeah She wasn't even bipolar Like, they were little fucking waste She was, like, mentally stable Yeah But he wasn't And, um, he ruined two chances So he ruined... He was first, he was just getting looked at the Yankee Farm team, whatever Stanton, whatever, the state and Yankees Scran, whatever And, um, they were, like, go to a baseball camp at the Dominican Republic Stay out there and we'll come check you out And then we'll sign you from there It's easier to get signed like that Yeah So he does it He starts getting homesick Comes back for the girl Uh, he comes back Uh, the girl ends up leaving him Uh, huh And, um... Fucks up his chance to get in But he's still kind of played and he went And he's like, you know what? Let me keep trying And then the White Sox Mine really came and looked at him But they were like, you're 28 years old Oh, no, I think it was like 26 I get 26 at the time Use your cousin's ID Who was younger So you look younger This is an organization Tell him that Yeah But he was like, no, I want to use my name So he was only going to change his first name, not his last name And he didn't want to do that Wow And then, at 29, he tried to do it again They're like, no, it's too late So now, he just thinks people are following him And trying to chase him Yeah He thinks like the government's after him Yeah He's never done anything wrong So he, like, he's never broken the law But he has delusions of grandeur of people chasing him Wow That's fucking wild, dude That's unheard of, man If he would have made it to the MLB, bro He would have just been fucking bitches left and right Like Derek Jeter He was a handsome dude I used to play against DR kids, dude And they were so good It was just like insane You could throw a curve ball Like a 12-6 It's like 80 miles an hour And they would just like Hit it up the middle And then they'd like Shout out their six kids in the outfield Yeah Like 16 with two kids Yeah I mean, dude, we would play like DR kids We had, like, seven kids And they were, like, 12 I mean, on their birth certificate, you were 12 But they were really 26 Some best warmers type shit Dude, that you seen that joke When he was just like, the birth certificate Was just a picture and says, "I am 12" Yeah, with the green crayon Dude, it's like one of the best teams of all time What do you yell as Maria? Maria Oh, that was bad, yeah, yeah Dude, I haven't seen that movie in years Such a fucking funny movie, dude I think I have dementia 'Cause I smoke weed out of aluminum foil For how long? For, like, a good year Yeah, I had a gravity bomb And I found out, like, one of my drug dealers Was a water bottle? Yeah, it was, like, a fruit punch You know, like, the gallon ones And then I had, like, a pot of water Yeah This is why I shouldn't live with myself 'Cause that's what I do when I live by myself Yeah, why don't I just get, like, a bomb, dude? For what? Oh, dude, I think I'm part Jewish Really? I think 'cause it said Middle Eastern But I think it was mostly Israeli Yeah I think it was 'cause it showed, like, kind of, like, you know, Palestine area Yeah On the map You should not just say that for, like, right now No, I'm dead serious Yeah 'Cause, and then I heard that a lot of Dominican, not, I'm sorry There was a Jewish community in Dominican Republic That migrated after the Holocaust Yeah Yeah, 'cause, you know, they were playing both sides They were taking Nazis in and Jewish people Dude, the whole lineage thing is, like, pretty big here in New York City Men before this And everyone talked about it But I got homies, like, I got, I got brothers You know, like, Black friends in Brooklyn right now Yeah Who are, all of a sudden, just following, like, the Israel-Palestine conflict Just to get, like, booked on comedy shows I'm like, come on, I'm like, come on, dude I don't know what side to take, man Yeah I'm just pro-M Assad That's all I just feel like, yeah, I'm with the Mossad Yeah Whatever, however you feel about that I don't care about Israel I just care about their, uh, their, their secret What is it called? Their intelligence agency? 'Cause they do some badass shit They're, like, Nazi hunters But then they also, like, you know, do some fucked up shit You know what I mean? You don't know where their morals lie And I like that I like that in person Well, they're willing to do anything To kind of, you know, uh, uh, uh, kind of, like, get forward in the world Yeah, kind of seems like both sides Just trying to, like, spice shit up You know, like, they get kind of bored sometimes They're like, all right, let's fucking start some shit It's like, when you have a, you have siblings You're your only child Yeah You know, when you're, like, bored And you know, you're just, you and your brother starts fighting Yeah It's the same shit Yeah, exactly Same exact shit Except you're, like, killing thousands of people Yeah, there's some babies dying (laughing) Yeah Uh-huh Dude, it's so funny seeing people, like, um get into the whole thing Like, I think it's weird When, uh, white people are pro-Palestine Because they hate white people Yeah, um, what do you mean? Oh, uh, Palestine, uh, like A-Rabs and stuff like that They hate white people Oh, so you're saying, like, oh, yeah, yeah, for sure Yeah, so- Like, if they, if they went to Palestine They'd get fucking crucified Is what you're saying? Oh, they'd get murdered Yeah, yeah, for sure If I go out there, it'll take a couple questions before they realize I'm America Yeah But I can blend it You just pull your pants down And like, just pull my dick out on circumcised Like, oh, no, do Yeah Where, like, a fucking, uh, wear, like, a Rolex It's a burka (laughing) I'm a girl Yeah, I did I'd be the first transpanist to try Like a KKK outfit (laughing) But it's black (laughing) It's a burka with a comb (laughing) Like, you know, that would be so awesome And just convert But, uh, chat GBT Show me a burka with, uh, with the Klans hoodie on 'Cause you know they got the black, uh, Klans outfit I mean, they just put some Palestinians in there Yeah, it's wore, like, a strap-on on your forehead Yeah, yeah, I'm sure to, like, clean the bathroom and shit (laughing) Dude You just have, for some reason You just have, like, a fucking carpenter's belt on (laughing) Over and, like, what? Like, tools from, like, toys or us (laughing) All right, peep toys or us, man Y'all imagine that that's all they have out there in Palestine (laughing) It's towards us (laughing) Just living off fuckin' (laughing) But the toys are just, like, they just have tops Yeah, that place went bankrupt, right? Yeah, yeah That place was the shit, man Oh, dude, I've stole so much from, from tours of what's growing up, yeah I remember getting a snowboard from there once Really? Did a break? (laughing) That seemed like it would snap (laughing) Anything towards the rest It's kind of fucking tomorrow I was, like, overweight too, dude It was just, like, two rubber straps You put your feet in, dude (laughing) Yeah, I remember, like, eating shit on there The Velcro straps? Yeah Ah, dude I was just trying to shred, dude Ah, that's what you get Dude, there was a, uh, fucking drum set I wanted Um, from, from tours of us And it was the biggest piece of shit Really? Yeah, I think, like, the sneer drum Uh, it was, like, saran wrap for the fucking drum It was, like, it was, like, already bent in I'm like, yeah, this would last, like, like, a week Yeah, if you had a drum set, though, do you know a fucking sick, that would be Ah, dude, I used to make my own drum set at home Really? That would just, like, pots and pans and then my toy bucket You can shred with that Oh, you got, like, actual fucking drumsticks Yeah, I had the drumsticks I was in band from, like, 4th, 5th, and 6th grade Oh, for real? Yeah, I was in drums Really? I played the trumpet, dude Ah, that's gay You're too big for the drummer But you look like a drum guy You look like the percussion, the bass Yeah, there's actually a closet at homosexual Who would play the drums Ah, no joke, dude, he came out of the closet Do you know what I'm saying, school? Was that me? Yeah, this dude came out of the closet That was a wall beat You know, I had no rhythm, man Like, because I realized I could keep the beat But I have such a low attention span That, like, after, like, a minute and a half I get off beat Yeah, and I throw the whole band off Because, you know, the drums Who keeps the tempo It was so bad You could, like, you could barely hear the drum, though, dude It's like, it mattered But it's not like you could really hear it that much Yeah, I mean, we had a big one, right? Like, the mallet drum Yeah, so we had, like, our percussion Because the school was kind of small in Yonkers So it was, it was like, we had the percussion That we had, uh, somebody on the snare And then somebody like a monkey with two, the two cymbals Yeah So that was, like, the bottom of the percussion Did you guys go to, like, football games and shit and play? Nah, we didn't even have a team Really? Yeah Holy shit We had a beautiful one Who were you playing for, then? For the school For the school And then, and then we would play for the, uh, for the Halloween parade Yeah, people were just screaming, like, faggot Yeah, basically I'm like, we don't know that song Nah, uh, the next request Retart I didn't know that one The band is, like, the shit, though Oh, it was so much fun Yeah, if you're in, like, a good band Yeah, once I saw a drum line I'm like, that's what I need to be in Is that a porno? You never seen a drum line? I think I've seen that Nick Cannon I've seen Step Up Step Up, what's Step Up? It's like a dance movie Wasn't that, uh, you got served? I think it was Channing Tatum That you got served, right Or Step Up is Channing Tatum? I think so I feel like it's the same movie I'm pretty sure he's with, like, uh It was with a woman that he ended up, like, I don't know if they got married or something But they were getting after it for a while Pretty sexual movie, dude He's, like, a retard He's, like, a retard And she, like, picks him up off the street She's, like, I'll show you the way They was joined a dance contest And, like, basically, like, have sex in front of, like, 500 people to, like, uh, low by flow writer Oh, you know, I've seen that on the airplane It's got that, that, that, the skinny blonde bitch from, uh, from Dexter Yeah, I think that's her You got, uh, Step Up, set up I think you were watching, like, a porno I think I was watching, set it up With Queen Latifah Wait, were these black bitches robbing a bank? Do you turn into a bank robbery? You're watching a bang bus Dude, bang bus needs to make a comeback Yeah They should, they should show a guy They're not doing, they're not going at it anymore They should do uber, uber bang Really? I was thinking more, like, ice cream truck Show up to, like, local parks and shit But what, what, this sounds, this sounds very illegal Well, if they, if they made it open to the public Like, if they had a microphone And they just started screaming, like, blow jobs and shit Yeah, out of the, out of the speaker Instead of his playing, like, the, uh, you know how, uh, the ice cream truck is The song, it's basically the chain hang well No, no, no, it was, uh, n-word, one watermelon And what, what, a watermelon, then, uh, then, uh Oh, is that like the official, uh, that's the official song? So it's literally called n-word watermelon Yeah, that's the rhythm of the ice cream truck ♪ Dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun ♪ - Oh, shit. ♪ Dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun ♪ - Did they go rap a remix to it? ♪ Ah, yeah, do your chain hang low ♪ - Yeah. ♪ They wanna do the fun ♪ - Well, they had that one. They had like the original chain hang low song, but then they have like an EDM remix. In the chorus, there's just like a huge bass drop. (laughing) If someone pulled up to like a park playing that. (laughing) You'd have to go out of town for that. - Yeah, what do they say? It's like, "Beast-uh." (laughing) - Just like the best porn stars in the game, like a purple ice cream truck. (laughing) - They got whipped cream in their cleavage with a cherry. (laughing) - "Pig bought all the tickets, let you lick it out." (laughing) - Yeah, just peeling out in Central Park. - Aw, Brandon, you could just rent the bitches out. - Yeah, I mean, dude, I don't think they would get arrested. I think that would probably like boost morale in the community, honestly, man. - Yeah. - There would probably be cops waiting in line. - Mm-hmm. - Like there's no doubt, like I've seen some of the cops here, dude. Like I don't think they would be that hard to convince. - Some of the cops out here are fucking hot. - Really? - Have you seen some of these new cops? - No, I've seen a, I think I've seen one hot cop, but I think it's really it, man. I've seen like a lot of fat dudes. - Dude, I think God, I changed my life because right now I would not be scared of cops. And I was not scared of cops. As far as like, if I had like a lot of drugs on me and shit like that, but like, maybe getting beat up. 'Cause I got beat up by cops. But these were mad. You know what I mean? These were 90s cops. - In a different state. - 2000 cops, this is no New York. - A different time. - Yeah, but then I see some of the cops now and I was like, if they started patting me down, I would jizz my pants. - Yeah. - You know, even some of like the guy ones, where I'm seeing the hot cops though. - You haven't seen no hot bitch cops? - Like, where have you been seeing them? I might have to check them out. - Online. - Oh, online. - Oh, online. - I think they meant like in person. - No, but like even NYPD, you'll see, like even in Suffolk, they got some girls that are kind of cute. - Yeah. - And I was like, and I get more turned on knowing that I'm like, I could take your gun, pistol whip you and make you my wife. - Wow, dude, that's like extreme confidence. - Yeah, I'm like, you cannot take me to jail. Like, you're gonna end up falling in love with me. - Wow. - If you tango with me. - Holy shit. - Yeah. - You and you take it slow, like maybe do a few like guillotine and shit. - Nah, nah, nah, nah. Maybe put in an on bar and then hand cover while I'm doing it. - Would you be saying anything during it or? - I love you. - Yeah. - Be my wife, meet my family. - You have this planned out. - Oh yeah, I've had fantasy about beating up a female cop, but like, not in a van, like we're both laughing while this is going on. - Yeah, yeah. - Like, this is not illegal. - Uh-huh. - But like, she started off trying to arrest me. She realized she couldn't overpower me, and then she fell in love. - Okay. - But then she's still trying because she has a point to prove. - That would be sick if it was two chicks. - Oh, I'm not gonna have a headlock. - Yeah. - Double headlock. - Little gang bang action. - Yeah. (laughs) They're like trying to tickle my nuts, they're trying to tickle me. - I think it would be better if you just ask for help though. Like, if you said there's something in your ass. Like, man, I jammed 20 grams of coke in my ass. - Yeah. - Arresting. - You're like internally bleeding. (laughs) - I'm gonna need you to take out your baton and shove it in my ass. - Yeah. (laughs) - Then you should rip ass. - Yeah. (laughs) - Right on a birthday cake. - That would be tough though, didn't it cop though, dude? - Yeah. - You know. - Would you ever date a cop? - No. - I mean, you get to peep my ankle. - My whole, like, college life, dude, people would be like, "Dude, you should be a cop." Just 'cause of like, how serious I look, but, dude, I would literally get arrested as a cop. You know what I mean? - Oh, you think it'd be corrupt? - I would laugh, like, during the rest. (laughs) (laughing) - There's a rape victim crying in it. It's so a describe what he did to you. (laughing) - It's tough. - It's not the time. (laughing) - I just couldn't be serious, dude, you know what I mean? - Yeah, I think, my thing was, I think I'd steal. - Oh, what do you think it'd steal? - I'd go in an evidence locker and just have a blast. - In front of the cameras? - Yeah, I'd shut the cameras off. - Yeah. - I'd go, like, that would be my job. I think I don't wanna be in the field. I wanna be the guy who, like, checks in stuff at the evidence lock. I wanna be that guy. - I would just wanna say shit over, like, the intercom. - In the car? - Yeah. - Oh, you mean, like, a dispatch? - Just drive into the hood. Be like, pull up your pants, fag it. (laughing) - You know what I mean, like, shit like that. (laughing) - Check on your kids. (laughing) Just, like, if I got bored, just play, like, the penis game. (laughing) And, like, the most corrupt, like, in the most, like, corrupt city. - Ah, dude, that would be awesome. Just troll people as a cop. - Yeah, yeah. - Like, just harass 'em, but never, never arrest-- - Never arrest. - That would be so fun, dude. You could do that for hours. - Just pull somebody over, like, you know they have drugs, right? - Yeah. - You fuck with them, and then, like, like, you act like you find the drugs, like you just tear the car apart. You look at the drugs, just put it back, I'm like, all right, you guys are good to go. - Yeah. - But you just talk to them, like, shit the whole time. - Yeah. - And they're in their mind, that's a confusing thing to do, right? 'Cause in their mind, they're like, oh, they just found, you know, a kilo of coke. - Yeah. - And you put it back and let us go, what the fuck? Why did he do that? If somebody did that to me, if a cop found drugs, 'cause at that point, you know it's over. - Yeah, you'd be sweating, dude. - Yeah, you're like, oh, fuck it's in. Like, 'cause I guarantee you they'll be like, "Yo, that's not mine, that's not mine." I'm like, "What's not yours, what are you talking about?" And then just walk away. - Did you watch cops growing up at the show? - Nah, bro, people tried to watch that in jail, and I would fight for that. And I'm like, "We're not fucking watching this." - Dude. - I'm like, if you wanna watch criminals fail, just look around. - You should at least watch the best of cops. - No, I watched it as a kid, but after I have certain needs, I could not watch cops. - Yeah, but that's like a reason I wouldn't be a cop. - Oh, no, honestly, I would be a cop if I could be followed around with a camera. 'Cause then I'd do shit like that. - Yeah, so you wanna be like the star of the show, kind of? - I'd be a corrupt cop on film. - Yeah, 'cause there was one episode I saw where I laughed for like two hours straight, dude. This fucking, this dude gets pulled over on the highway by a cop, so like the cops obviously parked me on the car, and she's like arresting this dude, and out of nowhere, another car drives going like 70 miles an hour into the cop car, just completely totals it, and this dude gets out of the car, and the cop's like, "What the fuck are you doing?" Like my car is like stationary, and he just goes, he's like, "Where the fuck did you come from?" (laughing) He's like, "I couldn't see you at all." Like, just totaled the fucking cop car, dude. And then, dude, so the guy that she was arresting like gets let go, 'cause she has to arrest the guy who just told the car. - Don't just hit the car. - Yeah, so she let off that guy. I don't think he was really getting arrested, like he was just getting in trouble for someone to do, but yeah, do you like shit like that? It's like hard, I don't think I'd be able to keep a straight face if that happened. - Oh dude, I've laughed in cop's faces before, and I smacked while I was handcuffed. - Really? - Yeah. - You were in the process of getting arrested? - Well, I was in the back of the car with the detective, and they were trying to find these, they were homicide detectives, and a gun went off in my apartment, and they were looking for the guns, but the guns disappeared. Nobody knew where they were at. And I'm in the back of this back seat with him, and we're having a conversation, like it got normal, and I'm handcuffed from my hands to the back of my head, we're in the back seat, he's sitting til the left of me. And we're like, he's interrogating me, and then I'm being a smart ass. And then next thing I know, he just backhands me, just like, boom, damn. And then my left eye was just like gushing water out. And he's like, he's like, oh, he'd be fucking, you're not gonna tell me where the guns are? And I was just like, I was like, hold on, I can't, I can't see right now, hold on, hold on, hold on. Fuckin', fuckin', smacks the shit out of me. Hold on, smacks the shit out of me. And as soon as I look up, my friends drive by in the car, and I realize they're the ones who took the guns out of the house. So the guns literally drove Joe by me. - Oh, shit. - Why? 'Cause they were like checking up on me, 'cause they knew I was arrested. And I'm just, I start laughing. Wow, my fuckin' eyes, bloodshot tearing up, because I wanted to be like, oh, the guns are right there. - Yeah. - That's just one of the turns. - Was it like one of the first times? - And first time was one, I got arrested, or? - Yeah. - No, no, no, no, no. This is, that was probably like my 15th arrest by then. - Oh, shit. - This was, yeah. - Who has more arrests, you were Derek. - I think Derek has more arrests. - But he was like stealing cars. - I mean, yeah, he was doing a bunch of shit. - Really? - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - What were you doing? - My first charge was stealing the car. The rest of it was drug charges. - Oh. - So I was just stealing the first one, then drug possessions, I fought a dude, and I got on a, like a misdemeanor assault charge. - Yeah. - But I was on misdemeanor probation, so I ended up going to jail for that. Then I got a coke possession, then I got a drug possession, which was crack and coke. I got a bunch of weed possessions, then I got a possession for having a stun gun, and then another one for fleeing. - So you were living, dude? - Oh, dude, I had the best time in my life. - Yeah. - I was making so much money, and then I started doing comedy, and I just went to shit. - Yeah, how do you, like, stay calm? Like, how do you stay, like, calm, dude? - Weed. - You got, like, PTSD, though, like-- - Oh, yeah. - Really? - Yeah, dude, I got, I got road rage. - Sometimes I'd be ready to kill somebody when I'm on the road. - Yeah. - Like, the other day, this guy kind of, like, cut in front of me, but, like, the way he did it, like, I don't know if he saw me or not, it just didn't give a fuck, but he was pinning me up against the wall. - Yeah. - To the point where I had to slam on my brakes and go around them, and then I had, like, this drink from Wendy's, and I just pulled up next to him, just started screaming, and he was, like, in this big Ford F-150 truck, dude, who's twice my size. I'm just screaming, I'm like, "You motherfucker, man!" Like, you know, the side view mirror got pushed in. Like, his car pushed my side view. That's how close he was to pinning me against the wall. - Oh, sure. - And then I just go up and curse, and I threw the drink at his thing, like, hoping he would, like, get out the car and fight me. - Yeah, it's weird, man, 'cause, like, people are always, like, I can't imagine, like, committing a crime, and it's like, dude, I could totally, could totally see it, man. - Oh, for you? - Yeah, just regular people are, like, I can't imagine, like, losing my mind, and, like, not, like, losing my mind, but, like, losing my cool dude, and, like, committing a crime, and it's just, like, dude, I could totally, totally see it, like, I could totally understand it, you know? - Yeah, I could impose it some time, then I scare myself, I'm like, fuck, dude, I could have, I could have, I could have hurt somebody, could hurt myself. - Yeah. - And then I realized I was just, like, I should have, 'cause then I have that, I feel like, a pussy afterwards, I was like, I should have just, just, just swiped, or, as far as rise I could, that cop maneuver, where you spin him around, just to fuck with his head, 'cause he got a Ford F-150, and I got a, I gotta tell you, I'm a Prius. - Oh, you're a Prius? - Yeah, I got a Prius. - It's pretty sick, man, honestly. - Dude, I drive like, I drive like a fucking gangster in that shit, bro. - That's fucking sick, man. - I drive it like it's a F-150. - But thinking about getting one, to be honest. - Oh, dude, do it. - Pretty pricey, though. - Oh, new one, yeah. - Yeah. - I got mindsets, like, from 1997. - Even if it's old, man, they're pretty pricey, because they're still gonna gas and shit. - Yeah, dude, I think it takes, like, $13 to fill my tank. - Yeah. - And then I could just fill it with piss sometimes, and it runs on piss. - Yeah. That's what someone told me, dude. - Then come, 'cause it's a gay car. You just fuck your car in the gas tank. - That is something I struggle with, dude. 'Cause I've never been in a fight before. - 'Cause you're a big dude. I thought people would try to test you for being a big guy, you know what I mean? - No, I mean, I feel like I could've been in a few fights. - Oh, being big was like a deterrent. - Yeah, I used to be, like, very defense, like, very guarded the way I would, like, I kind of waddle when I walk and stuff, and people were, like, kind of intimidated, but, like, I mean, you know me, I'm, like, retarded, so it's like, but most people don't, so it's like, but yeah, man, I just, like, I need to find, like, an outlet. You know? - I feel like I need to fight more because people thought I was retarded. - Really? - Mm-hmm. - Yeah. I get upset 'cause I feel like I wish people fucked with me more. Like, the fact that people don't fuck with me kind of makes me question. - That's the size difference. They look at me and like, oh, I could beat this guy up. And most times, they're right. - Yeah, you're probably more dangerous than I am. - I put a little box cutter in there, well. - Yeah, you know shit, dude, you know. - Dude, I had a slapbox at Skankfest. - Oh, really? - Mike Harrington, yeah. - The guy who's like 200,000 pounds heavier than me. - Slapbox? - Slapboxing. - So you could just slap him as hard as you could? - Well, I didn't think that. I thought we were just kind of, you know, going 50%. - Yeah. - And that's the reason I signed up 'cause I'm like, I got CTE, I don't wanna make it worse. I wouldn't do like actual fighting. And then when we're fighting, he's going every, he's doing everything he has into it. - Oh, sure. - And I asked him afterwards, I was like, did I do something to you? Did I ever disrespect you or your wife? - Yeah. - We had Pink Winter Mittens on. - Holy shit. - Mittens. - Was he angry? - No, I think there was a conspiracy to take my head off. I think Louis J. Gomez wanted to get rid of me. - Oh, you think there's money on the line? - Yeah, I think he went to him before the fight. It was like, take his fucking head off. - Yeah, like a Rocky film. - He said make it entertaining, but I took that as take Jio's head off. He's like, he's annoying. - Damn, dude. Did you win? - No, no, no. - They were like counting the hits. - No, they were counting like how hard he was trying to hit me. I hit him more, but he hit me harder. - That's kinda gay, dude. - I said that, I said that. I wanna re-watch the fight. I'm waiting for it to drop on YouTube. And then I'm just gonna give a breakdown of the fight. - Yeah, just put like a number, like, every hit. - Yeah, and then how many times I said the N word, so it's just like hits, miss, N word. Like the scoring card and shit, like, you get extra points. (laughing) - All right, dude, I gotta dip, I think. - Oh shit. - Sorta go by the game. - I have a hair appointment with this Venice Whelan woman. - Oh dope, bro. - Yeah, it's fucking sick, dude. She doesn't even speak English. - Wait, so what do you mean a hair appointment? You gettin' a haircut? - A haircut, yeah. - You trust a woman with it with your hair. - Yeah, dude, I've been goin' to supercuts my whole life, man. - Dude, you're more gangster than me. - I mean, I'm not goin' to like a Dominican barbershop, dude. - No, that's a safe place to go. - Not for me, dude. - No, it's a tough one. - They would come out and shoot short, dude. - Oh, they did, they did, they phagious shit upright. (laughing) They make you look like a respectable man. - Yeah, they put like the lines in my hair and shit, dude. (laughing) - Of the design. - Yeah, dude. - This is like, I had an axe for a jump, man. Oh, my bad. - Was it a cock on my fuckin' sideburns, dude? - Dude, you should definitely do that. Get it, get it like a, get like a skin fade, but then get a cock etched into the back of your head. - A skin fade would be sick in general, dude, but the cock would put it together. - Oh, dude, yeah, yeah. - Yeah. - It's just nice, and then you have kind of like, but the thing is, it's a skin fade in the dark, and the cock is very dark. - Yeah. - So it's just bald everywhere, and then it's just like a hairy cock on the back. But you don't do it in the back, 'cause that's corny. You gotta do it kind of like in the side right here. - I think I would do two cocks. - Oh, on each side. - Yeah, like fuckin' horns. - Yeah, like, what's his name? Like a Roman god or something, when you have like those leaves, but it's just two cocks. - Yeah, it's just like a Julius Caesar? - Just max out on cab raises at the gym, dude. (laughing) - All right, dude. - Yo. - Thank you for coming, bro. - Gotta blast. - Is there a plug? Do I plug anything? - Yeah, man, if you wanna plug your podcast, anything you have coming up? - October 4th, when does this come out? - Probably tomorrow. - Tomorrow. - If you're in New York City, October 14th, Monday, midtown grizzly pair, opening from Mark Norman, come check that shit out to all my RTG PCs out there. And listen to a podcast on Gas Digital. On the gate with Derek Drescher, it's a great podcast. If you use promo code OTG, you get 50% off or 75%, you get a discount on a subscription and you got amazing podcasts like Legion of Scanks, Madhouse and all that good shit. And follow me on Instagram, Joe Perez, 86. - Oh, yeah, dude. Thank you for coming, man.