Sometimes control in a relationship may not be as overt as you think it is. Of course, we have the common ones that you know, but there are a lot of underlying ones that are very covert in nature, and that's what we're gonna talk about today. Controlling relationships. (upbeat music) Hey, hey, hey, hey everybody, and welcome back to The Positivity Experience. It's your girl, Lori, and woo, am I excited to be here in Spooky Month? It is one of my favorite parts of the season, October, November, December, and here we are, and I'm so super excited. But yes, I hope that you have had at least a halfway decent beginning to fall, and I believe next month, for many of us, we set our clocks back, so we'll be gaining an hour extra one night of sleep, so that's always fun, but then it gets dark at like 4.30. So, you know, hey, it's a trade-off. And over on the abundance tier, that's the, so we do Patreon, but then there's two tiers. And in the higher tier, you get one extra bonus episode, and this month's bonus episode is intuition versus attachment and fears, because they're not the same thing. And so many people are like, "Well, this is my instinct." And I'm like, "It's not your instinct." So, if that's your jam, and just in general, the regular Patreon that's every single week that we do this podcast, it's there to give you a worksheet and a guideline, because it's easy to hear things, it's inspiring to hear things, but sometimes we just need a direction. So, if that is your jam, jump on over to patreon at patreon.com/ the, how does it say, Laurie Wheeler? No, forward slash the positivity experience, or you can find that link anywhere that you are getting the show right now. But I cannot wait to talk to you about this, because so many times people go, "Gosh, I'm just doing this because I love that person." Oh, this is classic. You know, I'm just doing it because I know what's best. Oh, no, no, no, that is control. Now, we understand that control is also rooted in manipulation, right? So, you hear control, it is manipulation. You're trying to control the narrative, which means you're trying to manipulate it in your favor. So, you have to know that going into it. Do I think that if you're sitting there in insecurity, and in abandonment, and in attachment issues, that you're just sitting in a corner going, "Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, I am going to manipulate this." No, I don't think it is as obvious as that, though for some people it is. It's not always obvious like that. And it's rooted in a place of insecurities, and fears, and abandonment, so we know. But that doesn't mean it's not manipulation. It's just not overt manipulation. You're not purposefully doing it. You're just trying to fill a void within yourself. So, just because you hear it being manipulative, it's not like, "Oh my God, we know that you're being manipulative." No, sometimes it's just an underlier, but do know that those two things do go hand-in-hand. Controlling behaviors and manipulation are married, and they're always going to be married. They're not going to ever get divorced. So, it's important that you understand that. So, what we're going to talk about today is overt, which is like super obvious, right? If I'm like, this sun is out, that's very overt, right? 'Cause it's very much there. But if I start doing some weird speak, and it's like, I'm having to question yourself, or I'm proposing it as though, well, maybe the sun is out, but let me tell you why. Like an underlier, that's covert, right? So, think of overt. Anytime you hear the word overt, obvious, you know? Overt obvious, so think of that. And then covert, not so obvious. And this is where you're going to see things. Now, like I said, the worksheet on Patreon will give you a really good indication on what to do if someone is controlling you, but also to check yourself. Because I'm telling you, and I'll tell you every week, it isn't everybody else, it is you. And that is a great thing that it is you, because you get to determine what you will tolerate, what you will not tolerate, and you're in control of that. You're not in control of their behaviors, but you are in control of that. So, always know that going into it, and it's never a blame game. But think about how rewarding that is, to think if this is my responsibility, then that means I can change it. If I don't like it, I get to try to change it, at least figuring it out and problem solving. So, I wanna give you some overt ways, right? And many of these, you know, because it's obvious. A lot of this you've grown up with as a child, like from your parents, and quite honestly, a lot of times we've done this to our children, because, I mean, they can't just run around, right? There's a level that you do have to control, and have a controlled environment for children. That's not necessarily what I'm talking about. This is for relationships, especially as you get to be older, okay? Always gonna tell you this, family does not get a free pass. So, if you're listening to this and being like, okay, well, I can do that with my friend, but I don't know, should I do that with my sister or my mother? Yes, these are still controlling tendencies. You cannot try to negotiate your way to get somebody to stop controlling you. I'll hear that a lot. You know, people say, well, can I just do this in a kind way? A kind way is what you're talking about is people pleasing. You're trying to make them comfortable with the fact that you know that they're trying to control you. No, you no need to get reactive. Just put the boundary and distance. So, think about this, demands and commands. So, telling someone, you know, you have to behave this way. You need to do this. Again, as a child and even then that's a little prickly because it sounds very dictural, instead of saying, hey, this isn't, you know, this isn't a good behavior and this is why you don't display that here. Yeah, that's different than what I'm talking about. I'm talking about straight up and down, somebody going, hey, you need to do this. If you love me, you need to do this. Oh, that is very overt, very controlling and very much a reason to leave your stuff there and leave immediately and go buy new stuff, like don't even come back to get it. Because this is very important because this level of control, and again, these are obvious ones, but I have a whole rack of them that are covert and some that you may even go, oh my God, I do that. Okay, and again, you're not necessarily on purpose doing it, but for some they are. Threats and punishment. This is also something that you see in childhood. Emotional withdrawal, right? So think of, okay, do good in school. If you do good in school, you get a, I mean, now again, fine line though, right? Because there has to be a reward and consequences. So it's a little different, but like if you're like, I only love you without kind of saying that. When you get a good grade and I'm going to criticize you always if you get a bad grade. That is very much what I'm talking about here. Where you're basically, you're not necessarily threatening them, but you're like, that's fine. I'm just going to criticize you and pick you right apart. And there's a covert part of that when you're in public as well. And we're going to talk about that in a second. Isolation, this is a big one. Isolation is forbidding relationships. Oh my goodness. I see this a lot sometimes in my couples, the couples that I'll counsel or someone who's in a relationship and they are not, they don't get along with their mother-in-law for whatever reason. Now they start to either covertly where you're trying to be like, well, you should choose me. That's appealing to duty and/or okay, well, I just, I don't know why you have to go there. I don't want you to go there. That is very controlling. That is very manipulative and your ego is heavily at play. So if someone tells you that you can't go see your parent or your, whoever, this is a big red flag, big red flag. Because then they go into, well, you should stick up for me and you should do this. And now you're triangulating the person and now you're putting in the person in the middle of, well, but I'm your wife or I'm your husband or I'm your spouse and I'm this and I'm that. Okay, what, this, you can't demand somebody to stop seeing somebody. If it is that problematic. See, here's the, this is where I said it's on you. This is the beautiful, beautiful part. If in fact this is that problematic and it really is going against your peace, then you're going to have to reconsider that relationship. Yes, stop trying to make them make the change. If you do not like how this is going in any fashion, you get to make the choice, but you can't have it both ways. So if you ever find someone who says to you, well, I don't know why you have to talk to your mom. Oh my God. And now they start getting real passive aggressive. That needs to be boundaries very, very quickly. Now the beautiful thing is, let's say it's, let's say it's, you know, somebody else is trying to put that on you, they can go do what they want. You don't have to go. They can take the kids, feel how they want to feel about you, but it doesn't matter. Because this way you're not controlling the narrative. Very, very important. And that is like a level of isolation. Even though you're thinking you're doing it for the right reason and we're going to talk about that. Here's the one I was talking about. Public belittling. This is where you find somebody really criticizing you in front of someone. And this does happen in public. And I don't mean like poking fun and ha ha ha, you guys make jokes and that's not passive 'cause you guys are kind of like in agreement on it. But if someone is belittling you in public, that's their level of trying to get you to control or to simmer down, right? 'Cause now let's say you're starting to gain a little confidence. You're starting to feel a little bit about yourself. And now we're out and about. And they start to see, and now this is where we go into narcissism a little bit. So not saying these, controlling behaviors are not all like, oh my God, everybody's a narcissist. That's not a fact. But a narcissist will try to keep you in control. And I mean, that's next level of control. This isn't just, hey, I don't like how it's going. Let me change it. This is, I need you to do this. Now the isolation part of it also goes hand in hand with narcissism, right? A narcissist wants you to withdraw from people. So you feel obligated to them, okay? And that is so important because you gotta realize this. And then there's the appealing to authority. Now this is different than appealing to duty. Appealing to authority. That's your moral beliefs. Okay, so somebody will say, well, you have to do this because morally, or let's say you have a religious preference, you have to do this. This is what you have to do because the culture has it. The religion has it. The morals have it. Not saying that it can't be difficult, especially if you're living in another country. It's not always gonna be easy, but you have to say, what is it that I don't want to tolerate anymore? What is that? Because what they're gonna do is they're gonna try to make you responsible to comply. I know you've heard the word compliance. You see it a lot in businesses. That's a lot of control. And you see that a lot in religion. You see that a lot in morality. You see that a lot in those. That is essentially what it is. You do this and this, and that's it. Well, I'm going to control you, and this is how it is. And the beautiful thing is, it doesn't have to be. That's the best part. Do you really, why are you so worried about pleasing these people who want you to comply on such a high level that you're not gonna be you? They wanna take you, smush you, and put you in the corner. Why the hell would you care about what these people think? And if you're thinking, oh, why don't know that I wanna lose them, lose what? Lose the baggage, lose the heaviness? Or are you talking about losing the idea of what you want it to be? Because that's the other part of the control that comes in. So those are some obvious overt ones. Like those are the ones that you can pretty much see and say, oh my God, they're controlling me. A direct one. Now this is covert, overt, sort of mixed. Where someone starts questioning you about your social media and who are you talking to and where are you going? And let me see your location I'm not talking about from a safety perspective, like where are you going? And this is literally part, even though it's very overt, it is also a big part of covert. And I'm telling you, you will see this so much. And here's the reality. If someone needs to control you on that level, they need to get out of the relationship. Let's say it's you, let's say it's you that's dealing with your insecurity. Let's say it's you that had a betrayal and a past relationship. And you were like, damn it. Like I never want to go through that again. All right, well, don't go jump into another relationship. Do not do that. It is not this next person's responsibility to heal you or to make up for the person before them. Absolutely without a doubt, no. And they're not children, they are not people who you have to sort of say, okay, these are the rules 'cause that's kind of what you do with kids to some point. No. And if you are not in a space to be able to allow someone to have autonomy or vice versa. Let's say you're on the other end of it. And you start seeing this person and they start questioning you and oh, I saw you were sending a snap to somebody. Yeah. Once you start hearing this line of questioning, big red flags are waving all over top of you. You do not. That is absolute covert slash overt, direct control. And again, if that makes the person uncomfortable, you're not responsible for their feelings on their insecurity about this relationship when they are bringing something in. So this is a very important factor because everybody wants to suddenly get into a relationship, have this love, right? Everybody wants love. I mean, that's part of being a human interaction. But to a point to where it's attachment. 'Cause again, and we've done this before in a previous podcast, maybe at some point I'll circle back into another love thing, love versus like not love, love versus attachment 'cause they are not the same thing. Because love, remember this, is very autonomous. Not controlling at all. You want you to go out and have your own hobbies. Want you to go out and enjoy yourself. Want you to go on a trip with your friends. That's love because that's autonomous when it becomes attachment and control is where the problem is. Now, this you'll see a lot. Now, what happens if you have two different controlling partners? Well, some will be both overt and covert, right? Some will be, oh, why don't you talk to this person? I want you to delete your Instagram. Okay, that's overt, that's like boom. But then you deal with the passive aggressiveness and the backhanded compliments and kind of all of these things that come into play. So when you have two people who are, let's say insecure and you have two people in anxious attachment, that is not, don't think that that's a good thing. It's not. Two people with a void and attachment. Not great. And somebody with a void and then an attachment is never gonna work. Okay, unless, I mean, unless you work on it, I'm saying in that place. So this is where the secure attachment is the master key, but you're gonna have to work to get there. That means you're gonna have to distance from the, you know, childhood trauma. Didn't say forget it, didn't say outrun it. Distance from the hold in which it has on you. Distance from the relationship that happened that you feel still feel hurt by, which you're allowed, but just don't bring that baggage in. Because you'll see love is love. Like, oh my God, I don't know what I could do without that person. That is not love. Love is not the lust. Love is not the pitter patter. Love is not the butterflies in the stomach. That's not love. Love is calm. Not super over the top, over the moon. Like, ooh, you're on high all the time. No, you feel comfortable. You don't have to be different. You say, hey, I'm gonna go out with some girlfriends or girlfriends or whomever. And nobody's gonna stress you out. That's love. So again, and these aren't just for love relationships that I'm talking about here today. The over and covert are for every relationship you ever have in your life. But I just wanted to slide that love one in because we're talking about the covert way of control, trying to control the socials, trying to control those things. And if it's that problematic in the moment you see someone displaying that, you've got to remember this is not your responsibility to heal their insecurities and vice versa, right? So it's the subtle guilt tripping. Now we're gonna go into covert. Covert is the subtle guilt tripping. I'm disappointed. There's a victimhood for not acting in a way in which they've expected. I know you see this within some families and that you are somehow responsible for their well-being and you are not responsible for their well-being because they want you to do something. When you don't live up to an expectation of someone that they have, by the way, just thrown on you. Hey, this is what, now somebody sits down with you and says, hey, these are things that I will and I tolerate, these are my expectations, I guess, boundaries and expectations. And they tell you this, then you get to decide what level of participation you want. That's different. That's different. 'Cause you're carrying on a conversation. People will automatically just assume, well, you have to do this. Wait, why? Like, wait, what happened? And then when you don't, or you don't live up or live through some level of an expectation, there is this sense of like, oh, all right. I mean, okay, I'm just gonna be so upset. Oh, okay, but they're upset because they created a narrative for you that you didn't do. I know for a fact, a lot of you know this from your parents or siblings, sometimes friends, but I think it's more from like a tighter relative type place and/or relationship, like a intimate relationship. But this is where you have to say, oh, this person is guilt tripping. Guilt tripping is never anything but control and manipulation. Nothing else. So please keep that in mind. Because the victimhood of like, whoa, is me because you hurt my feelings because you didn't live up to my expectation is not your issue. Stop taking that on. Okay, then you're gonna have like a very covert way of criticism and it's going to be proposed to you and but I love you, okay? But I care. I'm just saying this because I care. This is massive control here. So it's gonna be just, you know, kind of like disguised as help like I'm helping you. It's gonna sound genuine, but it's actually rooted heavily in undermining your confidence so they can control the narrative. 'Cause now this goes into I know what's best for you. Again, you're five years old. You know what's best for them not to touch a stove valid. You get to make your own choices. You get to make your own decisions and you get to make your own mistakes. Nobody should be walking around preventing all of these people from making mistakes, especially as parents and yes, I'm a parent. Yes, it's hard to watch. Yes, it's hard not to be like, get it together, man. This would, your life would be so much easier. Stay in your lane. Voice it if asked. Like, hey, I'm a little stuck. Okay, let's talk about it. Or, hey, you know, I see there's a little struggle there. Are you interested in hearing some solutions or resolutions? Go ahead and ask. If they say no, then it's no. No means no and let's stick with that. But this is important because I know you've experienced this too. Make sure it's not you doing this. I know what's best for blank. You're trying to control the narrative. But I don't want them to suffer. Yeah, yeah, I know. I know. Now you're projecting. Go back to psychological projection that was like six weeks ago. Listen to that. And if you have the worksheet from Patreon, go do that again. Because people will disguise their control to get you to do what they want you to do based on what they think you should do because they think they know what's best for you. That's covert control. I mean, that's what it is. And it's going to be disguised as help in turn. Now, if you are in an insecure state, if you are just now going into your growth journey or you're just now dealing with some people pleasing tendencies, this is where you have to be careful because this is where you're gonna start feeling guilty. You're gonna start being like, I mean, but God, they were just trying to help. And they will let you know that. Oh, don't worry. You'll have to second guess it. They'll say, well, I was just trying to help you. I'm sorry. I won't do that again. My bad. Okay, that this way you know. But even if it isn't quite as aggressive, you're gonna have to realize what is happening here. And this is not for you to fix and definitely nothing to feel guilty about. Because if you do that, you're going to keep appealing to this. You're going to keep going into that. Now, you're not gonna be able to make a decision. Now, you're gonna have to ask the other person. Well, do you think, all right, what do you think that this is smart? Well, I got this job and I can move to Utah and it's, oh, I don't think you should do that. Well, wait, why? Because then you're gonna be away from me. Yeah. See, this is, now that goes into a little bit more overt type tendencies because there's just straight up a downtown you. You shouldn't go because I'm gonna miss you. Like that's high level of control, woo. But be aware of that. So the next time that you, again, if you're out in public and you see there's some criticism and they're playing victim into, well, I can't believe that you would do that 'cause let me tell you that's appealing to duty and that is definitely on here. Appealing to duty is something you're saying on a regular basis. But really think about this for yourself. Do not feel guilty for prioritizing yourself. Do not feel guilty for doing these things because how else are you gonna be able to protect your piece? At the end of the day, the people who swear that they want what's best for you and I'm sure deep down inside they think they do, but they want what's best for you based on what's comfortable for them. Okay, let's go there. They want what's best for you based on what's comfortable for them. And if it's other than that, then it's wrong. So that's why there's control and there's not a lot of genuine, genuine, huh, that's a singer, genuine type behavior here because it's genuine until you buck up against it and the moment you buck up against it and it creates a little discomfort for them is the moment that they no longer want to engage in that and that's when the plane, the victim comes in the plate. Well, that's fine. That's perfectly fine. That's okay. I mean, I was only trying to help. I guess I'm not gonna do that anymore. So now they're a victim to this. Now it's your fault. Mind you, they're the ones that came in hot. They're the ones that came in and was like, "Oh, I'll do this and I think I know what's best for you." And now it's your fault. Now it's your fault. It's your fault that how dare you not be able to do that. And why would you not do that? Yeah. So these are all covert ways that eventually become over once they start to happen more than once. And this is where the appealing to duty comes in. Well, if you love me, you would. Okay, that's a little bit more overt, but this level of like, yeah, but I'm your mom, you should want to. That's another one. If someone's ever dropping that you should want to, now they're saying you should feel guilty and you should feel bad 'cause there are people who want you to feel like shit because you hurt their feelings. It's your responsibility. So they want to get you and they wanna go to the heart of where the pain point is that you have and they wanna like keep picking the scab 'cause somehow or another it makes them feel like they're winning at something. So if you didn't appeal to the duty, well, obviously they're a victim behind that. So they're going to try to make you suffer. This is where people who hold grudges and you try to get revenge. It doesn't say anything about the person you're trying to get revenge on. This is everything about you. So when you see this and your mom or your best friend or your sibling or even your spouse hits you with the you should want to because that is massive levels of like, I need to reevaluate what's happening here. We either need to have a serious conversation or maybe we've already had that serious conversation and this continues to happen. Then you take accountability for your role in this 'cause you have a role in it. If you keep waiting for it to change and you keep giving and giving and it's not changing, well, it's not the other person. So if this is happening to you by someone else, right? Then you need to understand literally, this is time to distance. This is time to just really put some boundaries up and not visit this again, at all. Now, the other side of this and this is where narcissism will definitely show its head, okay, and narcissism can show up in some of those other places, of course, but some of these are not just like narcissistic things. This one though is, this one goes right in there. Now, it's a fine line. You don't have to be a full fledged narcissist for what I'm going to tell you, but you probably will be on many levels when you start trying to control resources, okay? Really think about this. Controlling resources, financial freedom, right? So they want you to rely on them solely for finances. Car, oh, well, I'm gonna use the car today. Oh, well, that's fine if you wanna use the car, but I need you to do blah, blah, blah, blah. Now we start negotiating, limiting your independence. Yes, your independence is a resource, okay? So if someone is trying to limit that resource by keeping you dependent on them, by controlling the narrative because they're not gonna give you money, by controlling the narrative, because if you do blank, then you're not gonna give blank. Now, I'm gonna keep you here because you gotta be here because without me, this is the narcissism part, without me, you're nothing. Without me, you won't succeed. I'm doing you a solid favor. That's more the narcissistic way. This, the covert one doesn't, again, like I said, it's kind of like a gray area sometimes because somebody will think that they're going to help you by limiting your resources that you should really figure out on your own, fall, hit your face on the ground, get up and go, ow. And then say, am I gonna hit the ground again? Maybe you need to hit the ground six times, but eventually you're gonna get up and go, damn it. I don't wanna do that anymore. What can I do to change that? Ta-da, this is what it is. The issue comes when you're insecure and you are in attachment because you're holding on to this idea, 'cause that's what you're doing. You're holding on to the idea of what this person represents or this lack of fear in your mind, but it's nothing but fear because of the finances, because of the safety and security. And maybe growing up, you didn't have the safety and security. Maybe growing up, you had such a shit childhood and you never knew up from down. I get it, I lived that, remember? That was kinda like my day-to-day jam in some bizarre way and it just kinda happened over time. I almost craved that dopamine. I almost craved the instability. Seriously, even though my mind, I'm like, I want it to be stable, but there's this comfort in chaos when you've had chaos. It's not comfortable in chaos if you're not used to the chaos, but when you've had it, it's almost familiar and it's almost very relaxing. Then say that's good, but it is what it is. So if somebody's trying to control your resources, understand exactly what it is. Now, this is where you go into a little bit of dictation. Again, as a child, yeah, you know what? You're probably gonna encourage a little bit more vegetables and a little bit more activity. However, if somebody starts trying to control what you eat, they're worried about your weight, they're worrying about where you're going, who you're talking to, what you're doing. That is a dictatorship and they wanna prisoner. They do not want a person, a partner, or a friend. Know this. So if someone is telling you, you know, I do not want you to go see your friends, okay? This goes into a big bit of control here. Why are you gonna go with her? You know she's single. You know she's dated like three guys. You know she went home with that guy the other day. Yeah. I don't want you hanging out with her. What? Why? You say why, but like why? Well, because, yeah, look how she is. Okay, so that's already a problem. And second of all, that's a massive bit of mistrust amongst themselves. Typically, you will find this if somebody feels so insecure with themselves or they've done some dirt on their own. Okay, however, if you see this and they automatically don't trust you. So basically saying, well, you don't have a mind of your own. So since your friend is single and she can go out and she can do whatever she wants, you can't be with that. Like suddenly you don't have a brain of your own. Like you're just like, oh, well, this is what we do here. That is the biggest sign. Going back into the socials, going back into all of these things and what you need to control. That is their situation of insecurity to handle. Not yours to feel guilty of. Not yours to over-explain. You start over-explaining. You're gonna have to do that now. There you are, you're stuck every time you do something and they're only gonna believe what they believe, right? So when someone doesn't believe that you could actually be okay. So now you got, you're like, okay, I think you got with your girlfriend. So now the next day, of course, now you're getting, now you're getting like, hmm, the cold shoulder, shoulder, silent treatment. And now it's like, oh, you came in at two, bars closed at 12, the hell were you doing till two? See, this is already a problem of line of questioning. And you're just like, what do you mean? Like I went out to eat, I went to double T diner and I came home. Mm-hmm, okay, yeah, sure you did. Okay, so now it does not matter. You could have video footage of every action that you took along the way. Every light, every bathroom break, it could be right there. And that person would still say, mm-hmm, you doctored this somehow, what? So I'm telling you, if you start now trying to convince somebody, I've said this to you all the time, let them believe what they wanna believe, okay? You could say, oh, let's say you and I are dating. Well, first of all, we wouldn't even get to this point, but let's say we did. And you started going, well, I know what you did. I'd be like, okay, well you did, yeah, okay, fine. Like, because if you say no and you start over defending, it's gonna look, you're gonna look guilty. Then if you quote unquote, under defend, you're gonna look guilty. Stop trying to make it make sense to them. They have a personalized bias. They don't believe anything that comes out of your mouth because of their own insecurity. And this is where it's time to really evaluate the level of relationship that you want with someone like this. Yeah, including an adult parent. Again, if you're an adult, okay? Like, oh, where are you going? What are you doing? Okay, you're like 36 and you're still being questioned. Why? There has to be a level of distance there. Now, here's another way, and I know for a fact you've seen this too. Backhanded compliments. Give you an example of that. Oh my God, you look so pretty for your age. I look pretty for my age, huh? Okay, all right. Here's another one. Oh my God, that was so good. You are so smart for somebody with ADHD. What? So what, wait, what? So you're, it's a backhanded compliment 'cause you're like, you're so pretty, period. Oh, you're so smart, period. Now they're gonna start quantifying it. You'll see that a lot for your age, for being a woman, for doing this, for being a guy, dada dada. Oh my gosh, you're so good because you're so good if. These are backhanded compliments. Oh, that shirt looks really good on you. Now that you've lost five pounds, what? It's a real thing, this happens. And then this feeds into your insecurity. Then you're like, oh my God, okay, what do I need to do? This goes into the people that you feel like you can no longer, like anything you do. Oh, you're, I don't like your hair. You change your hair. Yeah, it's okay, color is weird. Oh, you're like, I would never recommend like following somebody's path like this. But okay, so now you change your hair color. It's like, yeah, I guess, but it looks a little dry. You're like, what the hell? Every time I do something, you're moving the freaking goal post. Backhanded compliments are a massive part of control. Of course, triangulation, pitting other people against you. Smear campaigns, all control. When someone realizes that they no longer have control over you and your actions and kind of like that, that need to like rely upon them, well, they don't like that. They've lost control. So how do we get that back? Well, we just tell everybody whatever we wanna tell them because this way they're back into control. They now have a little bit of control on you. Your mood, your instabilities, they control that. Let them win the day. They're gonna believe what they believe. And before you go, well, yeah, but then they're telling people, yep. And if those people really wanna know, they can come to you. And here two sides of the story. 'Cause there's three anyway. Your side, their side in the truth is somewhere in the middle. So it isn't just about your truth and their truth. There's a level of truth somewhere else in the middle. But somebody would want to have to see that. And this is so, so important. Now, withholding information, big, big part of control. Control and manipulation. I'm going to, and again, withhold information that actually affects you. Not if they're like, oh, I didn't tell you, I started a hinge account. I'm like, well, you're withholding information. No, that's you trying to be in control now. No, I'm talking on a level that if something affects you, if it directly or maybe one degree of separation, not affect you, but like one degree, and somebody's withholding this information, that is control. I'm going to control the narrative. I'm going to control how it goes. I'm going to maneuver it the way I see fit. And I'm gonna tell you right now, that's a big sticking point for me. Big sticking point. If you're gonna withhold information, I will distance you extremely fast because there's a level of control in which you think you have. Same thing with appealing to duty. If someone has to tell you, you should do this because, or I did this for you, that's another one. Well, but I did this for you. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, back to control. So essentially, that says, if I'm gonna do you a favor, without telling you ahead of time, I expect that in return. If in fact, you're like, okay, listen, I don't mind coming to help you move, but I'm not sure, I think I'm gonna paint a couple of weeks. I'm gonna need you to come over, is that fair? Like agree on it. Don't just assume somebody is supposed to show up because you did. Don't sit there and put that money in a bank account. Like, you know, oh, my effort goes in this old bank account, and then you're like, okay, ha, I did this, so you have to do this. No, you better negotiate and then talk about it. And why do people not want to let go of that control and take accountability? If you're losing power, right? So if someone can't control you or control your actions and your behaviors, well, now they are losing control, they're losing power. There's a certain level of a fear of rejection, right? So someone is going to take accountability for their role in controlling. There is a possibility that somebody's gonna be like, okay, F that, I don't wanna be around somebody like that. And they have that right. So sometimes people are going to just continue controlling because there's a fear of rejection. And then here's that emotional attachment. I want what's best for my partner. Oh, I want what's best for them. Being controlling is seen as love. This person loves me because they're just trying to help me. Yeah, number one, did you ask for that help? Number two, realize it's just into their own limited scope of what they believe. And that's just how that is. So when you hear somebody using emotional attachments of I'm doing this because I love you. Again, I'm talking about older people, right? Not small children. This is where you have to say, hmm, so if you've ever said that, that's a control. You're still trying to control the narrative 'cause you want them to do something that they're not doing. I mean, that is control. That's legitimately what it is. So the moment somebody tries to put that on you and make it seem like they love you, that's where you start going, hmm, this is very covert. So I think that this will help you start to see not only their controlling behaviors, but maybe your own. And this way it's okay, wow, what challenges am I facing? What pain points is this bringing up within myself? Why do I need to control another person in order to feel whole? It's not a bad thing. It's just figuring it out and then working on that and then protecting yourself from that. And again, I talk about it on Patreon on the worksheet, but just know you can't, don't try to make it make sense. Don't try to change somebody. People will change when they choose to change and if they don't, they don't. But you do not have to stay in attendance of every conversation that you're invited to. So you might know the overt ways, but there's definitely covert ways. And in the most part, I mean, you know, everybody wants what they want when they want it. So there's always going to be a certain level of control that people try to instill. And that's where your confidence comes. Let them feel how they feel. You are not responsible for their wellbeing because you're not meeting an expectation or you're not doing what they think you should do because in the family, this is what we've always done. And this is what you have to do because this is how you're successful and this is what you need to do this. So now you're living in all of these rules and you don't even know what the hell to do with them. So that's your homework is to get very clear on am I being controlling? If so, why, what is this bringing up? What pain points is this bringing up? What control am I trying to assert? Because I don't have it with them myself, that's fine. But then why the hell would I feel guilty? 'Cause somebody else is trying to manipulate me, okay? So sit on that because I think it'll be a really good part for you to start like kind of digging into and then saying, okay, well, I'm not gonna change this person, but I can change the role in which they play in my life. (upbeat music) (upbeat music) (upbeat music) (upbeat music)
