Kawy Speaking to the Barcelona "Easy Does It, But Do It" meeting on November 8, 2023
The Daily Reprieve
Barcelona Meeting - Kawy
[Music] Hello and welcome to the daily reprieve, where we provide essays, speaker meetings, workshops, and conferences and podcasts format. We are an ad-free podcast. If you enjoy listening, please help us be self-supporting by going to Donate.thewreprieve.com and drop a dollar or two into the virtual basket. Please consider donating monthly by clicking the Donate monthly button. However, one-time donations are always welcome. Just click the Donate Now button. Now, without further ado, this episode of The Daily Reprieve. [Music] Okay, today the 8th of November, 2023. We're very happy to have with us, Kawi W from Kenya, sober since the 15th of September, 2020. She will be sharing on the topic of still a newcomer. You are now on Kawi. You have 25 minutes to share. And how would you like to be timed? If you can see my hand, I can give you five minutes to go. Would that work? But you can just, you know, let me know. I might get carried away and not see you. Okay, I'll make it oral also with my voice. Okay, you're on. Be very welcome. Thank you. And thank you, Nancy, for inviting me to be here. It has taken truly the hand of my high power and a lot of support. I have been reluctant and especially I think I shared the same topic last Friday in another meeting. And I cried and I'm not going to do this. But I've had a lot of support, including from my sponsors here. So I'm grateful. Let me qualify myself. I am a sex addict. I am a lastaholic. From a young age, I played games that had a lot of sex games. We played, I don't know what I'm trying to translate it, but it was like pretending like I'm a, you know, people are parents and then would sleep with each other. And yeah, so from a very young age, I started playing those games. There's somebody who's marked this on. Okay. And then I also got a chance to watch explicit shows that would happen past 10 o'clock. My parents I'm sitting in it and I watched. So I got to see stuff that I wasn't supposed to see. And then because I saw what was happening, I wanted to practice it. So that's how the sexual games started out. And then as I turned into my team, I discovered romance novels. I discovered explicit music videos that had sex in it. And I used to use them. And at the same time, I also discovered masturbation. And then it graduated to when I got to university, I had my sexual experiences with people where I was promiscuous in relationships, but still acted out with myself. I got into serious relationships, but I never lasted long before I started acting out with myself. After that, I ended up ending my relationships and still would act out with myself. So masturbation has been my biggest emo. And I am grateful that desperation brought me to these rooms on 15th September 2020. And it has been my sobriety date since then. Now that I have that on the way, now my topic. So when I started this year, I thought that I had everything figured out. I started this year at the top of the mountain feeling good. 2022 had been a very good year at what my program had gone through some challenges. But I thought I think I earned my stripes. So I did not expect things to go the way they did. And I mean, I'm not God. I wouldn't know how things went out. But I was very confident with my prayers. I was very confident with what I was doing. So on February, when I had a last hit, and I ended up acting out in my dream, that really scared me. It brought me to a new coming experience of having no sobriety date, because at the time I was convinced that I had acted out. And I had lost my sobriety. There was a sense of loss having lost my sobriety growth. And then wondering what's next? How am I going to face people? I was also scary to see how helpless I was at night. I can't even explain what happened. I called my sponsor that night, and thankfully she was awake, and she received my call, and we discussed about it. And then for the next couple of days, it was just a motion of reaching out, trying to figure out. For a moment, I didn't register any sobriety date, and I felt lost. They gave me a new coming experience, what it looks like to hit rock bottom for the second time. My new coming experiences keep on changing. I've kept on thinking in the past of UCF. I have been, I have been acquainted to experiences that I never thought I would, and even some of them have been forced to learn them, and learn them, and re-learn them. I like the section of a vision for you that says, we realize we only know a little. And for me, it humbles me because I thought I knew everything. I thought I knew everything. Sometimes I think I know everything. In fact, just before this call, my sister, who I share a house with, we had a video chat, and she was just explaining some things about a business helping her run. And I thought I had it figured out. So when she was correcting me, I was just feeling very frustrated. I'm like, can't you sing how amazing I am and how much work I've put in? But it turns out, I really don't know it, and I have to be humble to listen and hear feedback. So that has also been new, listening to feedback, that I like it or not, that it's negative, that it's positive. Feedback has been something of a challenge to receive, but I've been humbled enough to acknowledge that it's not me that is being attacked. It's the skills of the stuff that I'm producing that is being corrected. So separating the person and my output has been, has been a new experience for me. Another new trauma experience that I've had is having discomfort. And this comes in where I, at the beginning of the year, like I said, I felt like I knew everything. I had applied for a university scholarship, and I knew I was going to get it. It had taken the help of even my former boss, my family, my friends. So I knew I was going to get it. But when I didn't, it just took me down to the extent that I had suicidal ideations, because I couldn't figure how my life would be without this scholarship, without this opportunity to do a master's degree. And I'm grateful that during that time when I had those societal ideations, I was able to reach out. I didn't even know I could reach out, but I did reach out to a friend who received my call so graciously, and she talked me through. And then after that, I was able to share with women in my group, essay group. And in the next couple of days, I was able to get out of those thoughts. It's being very humbling to stay in discomfort of not knowing, staying in the discomfort of fears, staying in the discomfort of pain, pain of losing something that I really treasured. And I thought, like I said, I thought I had it, but I didn't have it. So coming back to reality, because I'd build a lot of castles during that whole process, I was envisioning myself, going to this place, and learning stuff, but it turned out not to be the case. So picking myself up from that failure, because I feel like it was a failure, even though it wasn't a failure, has also been uncomfortable because it has forced me to rely on the support of others, especially my family and my sisters. I mentioned this because I am a fast one. I happened to be the kid who was always relied upon, and not just in my family, but in the neighborhood. But it was always like, oh, Cali knows this, or Cali has the answers or something. I don't know, for some reason, I think I put myself in that position knowing it all, or a support lead or something of the sort. So to be in a space where I'm the one who's relying on others, especially people who are younger than me, it felt, I don't even have the words to put it, but it can't even call it degrading, but for me, it felt like a low moment, a very, very low moment that I had to rely on my younger sisters, my mother, friends, and I remember one friend when I was trying to block her calls, she was like, you need to allow people to help you. And it was a very new situation for me to accept help when I am at my low point, because it's a difference when accepting help when you're at your high place and accepting help when you're at your low place. So this low place was like, it felt like people were pitting me. And yet, it wasn't the case. It was what I thought, what I felt. And I struggled with that. I still struggle with that most days. And I'm still learning how to surrender that, not to take it personally, not to see it like I'm a weakling. It's part of life, you know, sometimes we fall, sometimes we rise and it's part of life. In addition to that discomfort of pain and fear, there's also this comfort of waiting for dreams to be fulfilled and not sure if they will be fulfilled. It's an awkward place, actually, because that's where I right now I'm at. I do desire one day to get married. I do desire one day to do my master's degree. I do desire to have this professional role. I have so many ideas, I have to invest in different markets, but it's not happening at this moment. And to work with not yet is also a struggle, because that means every day I have to surrender the feelings, the dark feelings of feeling like this is the end. I'll never get what I hope or what I desire for. So it is still helping me learn because it's not a non-familiar place. I've been there before, but I think the fact that I mean my low place, it just makes me feel even worse to be able to be in the waiting list of whether this dream will be fulfilled or whether it will not be fulfilled or just accept in life as it is. Another new common situation is the discomfort of family situations, not planning out the way I anticipate. There have been family challenges in my family, and like I said, as a passport, I also happen to be a fast grandchild. It's crazy, but for some reason, my family has trusted me to kind of figure out, and yet I'm not the eldest. There are people like my parents and her and their siblings who are older than me, but for some reason, for a moment, it's been back. I was the one carrying the decision, and this goes into 2021. I lost my dad, and again, being a first one, I've been involved in the whole situation of handling, succession, inheritance, and it has most of the time frustrated me because family members are not behaving the way I want them to be. I accept people to be cooperative, but they're not. So the new common experience is accepting this is it. People are just people. They're not what I hope them to be friendly and helpful and willing or cooperative. Actually, the what is cooperative, not as cooperative as expected. So it's been very difficult for me, but I'm also learning to accept as it is, in fact, as of last week or the week before that, I told my mom, I'm like, I guess this is the family that I have right now. And as much as I was saying that for me was just an acknowledgement of the current family situation that it is, it is what it is right now. And if I don't accept it, I'll just be living in Dreamland, or people one day getting along, and they will not get along. So it's teaching me how to just accept reality and accept people as they are. The other aspect of newcomer is discomfort of maintaining boundaries. It's still again new. In fact, today I had to turn down a call from a newcomer I think was calling me and I couldn't, like I could have received it, but I was in the middle of the of some work. And in the past, I always like blocked things or blocked services so that I can be as maximum help as possible. But I'm also learning how to just notice that right now, Cowie cannot receive this call. I'm not in the right headspace. I also had a situation where a friend of mine called me and she shared some very triggering information and it broke me. And I didn't expect that. I don't remember sharing it to a friend in the program saying that I didn't know that I was that sensitive, mentally sensitive, because in the past, this was things that I was used to listening to. I could hear her out and listen to stuff like that. But the moment she shared my mind, like it was blocking out whatever she was saying and I couldn't be there for her. And after like 30 minutes, I had to like make up an excuse and say, "Oh, my sister is calling me. I need to go." And I disconnected the call and it felt, it felt weird because it's something that I'm not used to doing and saying no, saying I need to prioritize my mental piece and not listen to this. I want to listen, but I can't. I don't have the capacity. I only took a lot of program work with my sponsor to get me to a space where I could just let go. And interestingly enough, my sponsor was more empathetic on me than how I was with myself because I couldn't understand why was that information so difficult for me to listen. But at the same time, it was a learning experience. It was a newcomer experience for me to learn that I can't receive everything. I'm not, I mean, I thought I would. Like, I thought like, if I get into the program a few years, they'll be applying where I'm like doing everything. But where I'm at right now, there's some information where I need to distance myself. I learned also a new word recently called triangulate. So I have to distance myself from triangulating and just accept things as they are and just also accept that my higher power has enough power to take care of these people. I cannot take care of them as much as I want to. I can't. I don't have the capacity to go to the sense of loss of my former self. And at the same time, there's a sense of awareness like, okay, so this is where I'm at. So now I know how far I can go. And I guess I'm not even 100% there and I don't think I'll ever be. But now I can understand when something is going to trigger me and I can just distance myself and say, well, this information is not for me. Or I would want to pick this new comma call, but I'm in the middle of something and I can't make myself into two. So I can postpone something and be done the following day instead of like burdening myself with stuff. And then at the end of it all, I'm just overwhelmed. I like something I read from the white book. It says, there's no place to go except to face the truth about myself. And I feel like here in this program, I don't have any other place to go, but just face myself and the reality is that I show enough constantly. And I'm grateful that it is a space where I can be allowed to discover myself without losing myself. And even if I lose myself, there's still an essence of, there's an essence of like cushion that will hold me and that's this community of people that will hold me when I'm still losing it. I hope I don't lose it too much, but there's still that. And I'm grateful because I, if I was going through all these motions out outside of essay, I am 100% sure that I will not be alive right now or totally be dead. And I'm grateful that I am in essay because of that. It just makes me super grateful that many as a go through AA, a couple of people, and I feel like they were guided by their higher power came and discovered something called the 12 steps. It has given me life, it's given me a chance to discover new opportunities and it has helped me embrace things. I'm grateful for that. Another thing I would like to add on is I'm also a newcomer at reaching out. And I would think that by now I should know how to reach out, but I'm still struggling with that. I am in a new 12 step program and I'm required to make two calls a day. And I'm struggling with that. And here in essay, as much as I have a DSR partner, I have funsies or sponsors, there's still moments where I hesitate to reach out because I feel like I'm dumping so much on people. These people will run away if I keep on telling things out. But one of my friends encourages me to do is to keep on sharing because it's also helpful. So I am grateful that there is that opportunity and it helps me to just also reach out to reach out in real life. Outside essay, a friend of mine yesterday called me and said, "Well, you need to be calling." I was like, "Yeah, I need to be calling you more." Which is true because I've been avoiding her and for no good reason, I've been isolating. And yet, in essay, it can be easy for me to call somebody, which is contradiction of what I share. But it just reminded me that, "Yeah, I need to run again how to reach out and fall people, find out how they're doing without any hidden motifs or just dumping stuff out." Yeah, so I'm grateful for that awareness. And by the time she was giving me that feedback, I was like, "Yeah, I get it. You don't even need to emphasize it on it more." So I hope I'll be better at it. Just a little close photo of my stuff there. I had also in the white book that we discovered the hat ring that we had to leave our knowledge outside the dome when we entered. So there's so much that I feel like I know. But as long as I'm in this program, there's always going to be a learning opportunity, there's going to be an opportunity for me to online things. And there's also going to be a learning opportunity for me to relan things. And currently, we're working my steps forward, and I'm relanning how to do that step again. And it's good because it keeps on giving me new experiences that I love to fear that, "Oh, no, I'm in essay for the rest of my life." And it's going to be boring, no. There'll always be new experiences. There'll always be new newcomer experiences. With that, I can be assured that it's not going to be boring, but it will always be like that. It's full of changes. It's full of emotions. But I think out rather experience it just hearing in essay. So I'm grateful for this opportunity. I'm grateful I didn't cry. I'm grateful that I have a support system that does it so freely and so well. And it just amazes me. Yeah, without all the past, I'm a sexaholic. Thank you. Thank you so much. Thank you, Kawi. Thank you, Kawi. Wonderful share. Thank you. Hi, Kawi. Nice to meet you. I'm a sexaholic. And I'd like to ask you about one thing. I'm traveling a lot, a lot with the idea of God. I'm working in my second step. My step zero was easy. My step one was easy. It was pretty obvious that my life is unmanageable. So I was willing to work in those steps. But now in my second steps, I am angry with God. So I cannot pray. Actually, I pray. I do pray. But when I pray, I think about the fellowship. For me, my higher power now is essay. So, but when I think about God, I feel like he is unfair, that he is punished me, that he doesn't give me a husband. So I am resentful of resentment against God. So for me, sometimes I feel a little bit hypochrit in the essay because everyone is talking about God and high power. And they pray a lot. And sometimes I feel like, oh my God, I will never get done with this step because I have this anger. So I would like to ask you about that, about your experience with the other step and with the idea of God. Thank you, Kail. Thanks, Lillian. Step two, I, so I came to, when I joined essay, I came when I was in a religious, let me get the what's right. So when I joined essay, I came from a religious background. I believed in God before I came to essay. And I too had a lot of resentment. So my God, why could you give me, why would you give me this ugly, evil disease? It's just disgusting. And I was even mad that people were mentioning God in sex at the same time because it was it felt disgusting. And my sponsor at the time told me to describe how I would want a higher power. So I describe my higher power as a friend. I describe my higher power as somebody who wouldn't judge me. I describe my higher power as caring and loving and always beautiful things. And she asked me, do you think this higher power can restore you to sanity? And it took me like two weeks to respond. Yes. But I finally did. There are moments when I have felt like God is not seeing me. But at the same time, I recognized that there is no other power in this entire universe that can be able to take care of me. Because if I'm relying on people and they have defects like me, I am messed up. I am in trouble. So I cannot rely on them to bring me my husband or bring me the masters they want or give me all these dreams that I desire. They don't have that capacity. They can be used as channels to get me to my dreams. But they don't have the capacity. So I am forced to trust and believe that this higher power has a plan and has a wheel that is good for me. Sometimes it doesn't feel like it. But I just have to trust it. So we are told in the white book that we don't have to trust 100%. But if as long as you can believe in a concept of a power that is higher than you, it's good enough. Along the way it builds up. So it doesn't have to be perfect and you'll believe. And us religious people are the hardest ones to come up with that concept because we have this old mindset. And it was a misunderstanding that we had. But once we give, once we have the openness, open-mindedness, the willingness to accept whatever concept that we can have about our higher power, I think it helps us to just navigate. So I don't know if that answers your question, but that's all. Thank you so much, sister. Thanks. Thanks for the question, Evelyn and Kawi. Buddy, your hand is up. Go ahead. Yes, thank you. I'm buddy. I'm recovering sex, a whole lot. Kawi, thank you very much. I don't have a question. I'm just thanking you. You mentioned about being discomfortable or uncomfortable and just sitting with it. And that's what I'm doing right now. We have two cats and one of them is sick and he's basically dying. And I'm very uncomfortable with that. And I'm really just struggling to just sit with it. And it's grief and it also triggers grief from my past. And just trying to be with it and trusting some higher power because my face is not too strong anymore. So just trusting that good or early direction and something greater than myself is working here. So again, I just want to say thank you. That's all. There's your wonderful share today. Well, buddy. Thanks, buddy. If you felt like commenting, Kawi, you're free to do so if you like, it struck a thought. I wasn't planning to comment but already insulted me. I feel like there's something I'm learning about different types of griefs that some of them have a funeral and some don't. But they're still griefs. And I cannot, I cannot, I cannot undermine them because I have that tendency of feeling like, oh, it needs to be big. Like, maybe the whole world is ending tomorrow for me to that that's true grief. But loss is loss. This comfort is discomfort. Pain is pain. I cannot, I cannot undermine that. I owe it to myself to feel it, not be lost in it, but feel it in all ways and be open to just those subtle nudges that our higher power sometimes gives us to the basics. Maybe I need to listen to a nice music to just get me out of my pain or maybe I just need to reach out and just share this pain without receiving feedback or maybe I just need to feel it and just sit there. So there are those different nudges our higher power gives us to as as we're going through those motions just to feel like we're still leaving, you know, and I don't think that that makes sense. But yeah, that's all I have to say. Thanks, buddy, for that comment and Kawi for your response and Nancy, you're up next. Yeah, thank you so much, Kawi. I really appreciate you sharing and even this comment is just now about grief, feeling, feelings, being with higher power in the present or making me stop and be grateful for today. Can you talk out a little bit about your day, the way you start your day with with your higher power on your program? Thanks. So I am a morning person. I'm not a night person. In fact, I have an alarm that should be raining in the next 30 minutes to probably to go swim. I wake up very early. Most day they wake up at six in the morning and spend the next two hours, praying, meditating, feeling and feeling in the sense of just acknowledging that I'm there because like I said, I had a moment when I was suicidal and that changed a lot because I noticed I didn't value life. So for me, that causing of feeling life looks like opening the windows and being life, whether it's raining or it's not raining because right now, in kang, it's been raining. That's why I'm using raining. I just want to experience life and be part of it and it's very intentional because I know it's very easy for me to just my mind to just check out. So really? And then two hours later, I usually have a TSR call that lasts around 30 or 40 minutes, depending on how we feel about each other. And then after that, I usually go for most days I go for meeting that I go to. There's also another program meeting that I also go to. So if I'm not doing the essay meeting, I'm doing the other programs meeting. And then after that, I do an essay walk in the form of responding to inquiries from newcomers. There's an email group that keeps me very, very busy in ways I didn't think it would, but it does. And then after that, like I said, I'm helping my sister with her business. So I do that. And then most lunch times, I usually have new common calls that takes me one hour. And then after that, I'm also doing some business walk or running errands or responding to emails. And then around in the four or five p.m. I like to do my walkout. Now this week, I haven't done it. But it's usually that way I do my walkouts. And then 6 p.m. I have a sponsor call in my other program. And then I try to do some step work after that. Yeah, and eat and then go to sleep. I'm trying to learn how to do a nighttime routine by just reflecting and doing my step 10. But it has been unsuccessful. But I am still trying and charging what we are here for. Yeah, that's about it. Thanks for the question, Nancy and Kawi. Jerome, you're up next. Yes, Jerome, gratefully recovering sexaholic. Thank you, Kawi, for your story. I mean, so much of that resonated with me, especially when you shared about the isolation. And just, and for me, that isolation was huge. When I was really deep in the throes of my addiction, I didn't want to hear anything from anyone. And there were times when, you know, I'd be physically acting out and looking at things online. And it was like my phone would ring and I would just let the phone ring. It's like, I just didn't want to be bothered with people because of the shame and the guilt and the fear and the loneliness that, you know, resulted from it. I just felt so worthless that I didn't feel like I was worth anyone's time. So, see, I just wanted to make that quick comment and thank you. That really resonated with me. Thank you for sharing. Thank you for being here. Thanks, Jerome. Captain W, you're up. Hey, guys, Captain W. Thanks for sharing, man. I kind of think I've been lifting you share for the last two years now. And I always enjoy hearing you share our acting out journeys on the same. And I always identify. So thanks for sharing. You're one of my favorite shares. You reminded me of a lot of things. First, my body, I neglect my body. And I think my high power wants me to take better care of my body. The big book says, I'm mentally, physically and spiritually ill. And not only is my mind ill, my body is ill. And my emotional stuff is ill. So, I've been putting a lot of focus on taking care of my gut. I eat so much junk food. And I just let my body go a lot. And my body is very important to please my higher power. And I just thank God for the white book and into action. Step 11 breaks down everything for me when it comes to God thing. Step 11 just sets me straight, man, especially in into action. I encourage every newcomer and everybody that has a problem with the God thing to read over step 11 in our literature. Oh, it's just so straight. And you also reminded me of how much of a love cripple I had. Thank God I get to know that it gets a work on it. If there's a room of 100 people, because of one person, I'll deny myself 99 good relationships. There's one person in the room that I don't like or I'm fearful of, I'll leave the party and deny myself because of that one person. And I have the tools today to deal with that one person. I get to pray for that person before I go into the party. And why? So yeah, thanks a lot, everybody. Let's not sit on the steps in neglected traditions. Our traditions are very important as well. Thanks for letting me share. Thanks, Captain W. Okay, Denise, you're up. Hi, Denise. It's like, it's really great for to be here. Kevin, it was lovely to listen to. Wow, very powerful share and that's quite humbling. Yeah, you put a lot of work into your program. And I was really listening to your morning routine and how you're paying attention to your workout, your spiritual life. And yeah, it seems like it's been a year of growth for you. It's really nice watching you grow in the program. And yeah, no, I've no question to ask, you know, but it's really nice hearing your story. And yeah, it's a very strong message, you know, still a newcomer because quite easy to get complacent, you know, after a while. And it's really nice to have that reminder, you know, that we're always newcomers every day, you know, and constantly learning new things. And it's really nice to hear about your learning about boundaries as well. And I would have struggled a lot with that in recovery and with service. And, you know, it's really great to hear that message as well of, you know, not selfishness, you know, but appropriate self care. And I'll leave you a dash. Thanks. Thanks. Thanks for being here. Thanks Denise. Katherine, you're up next. Thank you, Daniel. Hi, Katherine. Just I think good to see you, Kawi, and good to hear you. I also wanted to say that it's an interesting topic that you chose to speak on still a newcomer and very humbling. And I think it's what I needed to hear today. And I want to thank you for that because I think I'm always a work in progress. I've never finished in recovery or anything like this. And sometimes I think, oh my goodness, I knew that before, but I don't, I forget it. I forget so many things. And then I call somebody and they tell me, and I said, I knew that before. Why didn't I come up with that myself? Yeah. Maybe the question is, how did you come up with this topic for sharing about it? Thank you. Thanks, Katherine. And it's also good to see you. I think it came from the frustrations, realizing that I'm never going to reach a point where I have it all think about it. Because I struggle with not knowing. It just even annoys me, not knowing. I want to know why this happened? Why am I still in this place? Or how come I didn't see that come in? And the frustrations just kept reminding me that, oh man, I'm still a newcomer. It felt like a soundtrack in the back of my head that Katherine said, like, you're still a newcomer, you're still a newcomer. And when I was, so I'm a speaker in my Zoom homegirl. And I was reluctant on putting myself as a speaker, because one, it's not a service that I really enjoy doing. It's actually one of the services that I don't like doing at all. It's actually the second speaking engagement that I've done in the course of this year. So when I was doing that, it just, it came from when I was putting myself as a speaker for last Friday, it came from that realization. It's like, you're also a newcomer in speaking. You know, you hate this service, but there's also a new newcomer experience in it. And like I said, there was also those moments where I was going through like, oh, you're still new coming in this. You're still learning. You're still learning. You think you know, but I don't know. And the words of the vision for you, that part, but we realized we only know a little it kept the bug in music. Yeah, I'm that person. I realized I don't know so much. And so just having those moments where I was just having, you know, that realization, it just made more sense. So but for this meeting, I did not want to share on this topic, Nancy, that told me to do that. And I was very reluctant. And it took also the help of my sponsor to like, you know, continue, because I was like, I don't feel like I want to do this. Because when I shared this exact topic in my Zoom home group, I cried. And like I said, I feel like crying is a sign of weakness. So I was like, I do not want to cry in front of people. And I don't want them to think that I'm a crybaby or anything, which, you know, this is essay five still, I just have this front. So I was very reluctant on sharing on that topic. But as I prayed and if my sponsor nudged me on, I got the will. The only thing I was just telling is that I don't have a desire to surrender control. Whoops, she went on mute, can't we? Just a just a few seconds of mute. No worries. Tails, I don't even know. I lost track of what I was saying. But yeah, so eventually I did surrender and control. And here I am with this topic, allowing God to do his best to just use me. It's yeah, he wanted me to share about it. So thank you. Thank you, Catherine. And we still have about nine more minutes. So we have time for maybe, I don't know, three more questions or shares. The floor is still open. And I guess since no one's hand is up, I'll step in, golly, and I'll ask I'm Daniel J. Sexaholic. Yeah, I guess my question has to do with who knows about you, like your family and disclosure and things like that. And is there a before before you got in the program, then after you got in the program, maybe you could go into more detail about the effect on your family. And where do you I mean, you got to have boundaries. You can't just tell everybody everything. You know, so who do you tell? Do you have close confidants or how much does your family know? How did you work disclosure as you as you worked into the program? Because that's my question sort of. Thanks. Thanks, Daniel. That's a very good question. So as I mentioned, my MO is masturbation, which is one woman's shelf. And I kept it a secret for very many years until I it was not doing it. And actually, I use porn for the first time in many years. And that was like an indicator that things were not well. So I googled essay, and I found it here. Before then, I'm two years before I came to essay, I told my family that I had by the tempted suicide. Sorry. And, you know, at the time I was seeing Councillor, she didn't help me much. And they were shocked. So when I got into essay, I told them that I've joined the tell step program that is helping me with my mental health, which really does. So they don't know that I'm a sexaholic, but my friends and my family know that I'm in a 12 step program that helps me with my mental health. I have one time disclosed to a friend that's in essay, because I saw that she's one of us. But we did not respond in a positive way, because she was like, I didn't think she was out of a freak. And it felt bad, but at the same time, I came to accept that I've done my part in carrying the message that if ever she needs to get help, you know, she can reach out to me or she can go to essay, like there's a solution. So, technically, people who know that I am an essay member are, I think, just hiring somebody else also who I was trying to get to join, to let them join essay. So it's just two people who know that I'm in essay other than my local fellowship. The rest of the people just know that I'm in a 12 step program that helps with my mental health. And also, how I do my meetings is I have my earphones and I don't participate as much. So I try to ensure that the places that I'm participating, I'm in a locked place where my sister came here. And the only reason I agreed to do this to speaking engagements is because for the last few days, my sister has not been around and I have to house to myself. So I can say, like, like, like, so now I feel bad about it. Thanks, Kawi. We still have a little bit more time, maybe four minutes. Time for maybe one more question or share. I want. Christina, go ahead. Yes. Hi, Christina, six and last a big, hi, Kawi. So nice to see you and to hear you. I just want to tell that I identified a lot with a masturbation problem. This was for 30 years in the problem. And I'm grateful to see younger people who came earlier to SA and stop it, to begin a new life. And for me, it was also, it was the week before I should have my fourth sobriety birthday that I had nearly a relapse in the night. And that was horrifying. And it was also something like, oh, I have to be careful. Like you said, I do not know everything. And since then, I nearly, daily say really, thank you for my sobriety. It's really just for today. And the sentence, I'm just newcomer is helping me too. As I read it, I thought, oh, yes, it's, I was at a convention and someone talks about proud inventory. And I never did this. And now I think, oh, this is really a problem that I become arrogant to think I know that I know everything, but I'm sober, of course. And but also in other situations with all my defects to think I know, oh, all the time, I'm sorry. I just want to share and say thank you very inspiring. Thanks, Chris, Dan. Thank you for being here. You'll need it. You're muted, Daniel. Thanks. Margot, go ahead. We just have a couple minutes. Yeah, Khawi, thank you so much. It's so nice to meet you. I was wondering how you deal spiritually and mentally with these questions that are your dreams that are not answered yet, like about education and a husband. When that comes up, how do you handle that within yourself or with people? Okay. Thanks, Margot. So for the husband's heart, I remember when I was doing step four, I think in 2021, my sponsor at the time, she loves to say by the way, so that's why I'm referring to her at the time. She asked me, are you able to accept life as it is if God doesn't give you a husband? It was a very tough thought to follow, but it was very helpful for me to see that there is more to life than getting this husband. So for the husband thing, okay, if I get her, I want to get one, but I'm okay if I get a husband. I'm okay if I don't, life will still be alive. The ones I'm currently struggling with, it's still emotion is the master's degree and this career situation. There are days when I feel like, okay, life can be life if I don't get this two things, like, it doesn't, life will still go on. But then there are days when I feel so mad because I'm like, I'm just asking for two things and I'm not getting them and I've tried. In fact, today, they have a job application I've made and I got a rejection notice and for me, I think today was that day, I was just like, you know what? I'm not going to play anymore. I'm just going to focus my energy on growing my sister's degree. This is what I want to know, but it's what life is presenting me to do. And I'm just going to focus my energy on that. And then if God nudges me to apply for a job, in another place, I will do that. If God nudges me to pursue my masters, I do hope, I do hope I can pursue it next year, but at this moment, I'm not applying in many universities. So I'm just working with what life has presented itself. And it's difficult, but I guess that's where the serenity prayer comes saying, you know, accepting things, I cannot change. I can't, I want to, but I can't. So that's where I'm at. Thank you for asking that. Thanks, Margo and Kawi for that. Okay, let's see. Thank you very much, Kawi. This has been a fantastic meeting. And I guess at this point, we need to hit stop record. I would like to thank you for listening to this episode of the Daily Reprieve, the best source for experience, strength, and hope for essay members. Please subscribe to this podcast to be alerted of new episodes. 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