Pat G Speaking to the Barcelona "Easy Does It, But Do It" meeting on November 1, 2023
The Daily Reprieve
Barcelona Meeting - Pat G
[Music] Hello and welcome to the Daily Reprieve, where we provide essays, speaker meetings, workshops, and conferences in podcast format. We are an ad-free podcast. If you enjoy listening, please help us be self-supporting by going to Donate.thewreprieve.com and drop a dollar or two into the virtual basket. Please consider donating monthly by clicking the Donate monthly button. However, one-time donations are always welcome. Just click the Donate Now button. Now, without further ado, this episode of the Daily Reprieve. [Music] Today, the 1st of November, 2023, we are very happy to have with us Pat G. from New York in the U.S. Sober, since 21 December, 1996, he will be sharing on the topic of the profound meaning of serenity in my daily life. All right, Chris, I'll call you later. What are you doing today? Got him muted. Yeah, he will be sharing on the topic of the profound meaning of serenity in my daily life. Pat will speak in American Sign Language and will be translated into English. You are now on, Pat. You have 25 minutes to share. Daniel has volunteered to be the spiritual timekeeper. How would you like to be timed? Would you like a warning? He's freezing a little bit. Let me tell him he's fine on my end. Just a second. Okay. Would he like you five-minute warning? Yes. So how can I stay peaceful? Okay, let's get in the right mindset here. Okay. Hello, everyone. My name is Pat G. Sober, since December 21, 1996, last December was 26 years. So this December will be 27. I live in Rochester, New York. I do have an interpreter. She's from Milwaukee, Wisconsin. Zoom does make that possible for access to these meetings. So you'll hear a woman's voice. However, I am a male. I am a professional actor. So you're always thinking, why is she using? Why is he using a woman's voice? That's why, because I use American Sign Language to communicate. I have signed my story and what serenity means to me. I was born in 1939, seven children in my family, five were deaf, two were hearing. I'm the middle child out of those seven. My three oldest were sisters. And I would say they were born during the depression area. No more children after that for 10 years. And then I was born during that depression. My father had to go to the army to serve. And there was no male in the house for quite some time. I was trying to think about if my mom had any fear, you know, feeling of isolation, you know, I had that feeling for sure. I wasn't sure about my mom, but I felt awkward out of place. I had all women in the house. And it was just the time for me to be lost. My escape was carrying around my security blanket. Then my mother hid the security blanket. And I started biting my nails, continued biting my nails until just a few years ago, I stopped. I didn't feel like I fit in. Probably around nine. I went to the school for the deaf. And they had a dorm for boys and a dorm for girls. I tried to fit in in that boy's dorm, but I didn't play sports well. I was not athletic. It was an awkward time for me. One boy, I think he was probably 13 or 14. I was nine. He came up to me and asked me, do you like to play dirty? And I thought, play dirty. What does that mean? In my mind, I was thinking, maybe playing in the mug outside. I didn't want him calling me a sissy. So I said, yeah, I'll play dirty. So that night he brought two more boys. So the three of them taught me how to masturbate and how to touch them. I was confused. It was a confusing experience for me because I'm Catholic, born and raised Catholic. My family went to church. I was a good boy. And but I enjoyed that new experience. So there was definitely a conflict between the two feelings. Looking back, obviously, I lost my serenity from the age of nine until I was 57. That's when I joined essay. But that time from nine to 57 was painful years and years of pain for me. I can't stay in one place during that time. I was ashamed. I was embarrassed. So I would move to a new place. And it didn't matter. My parents forced me to stay at the deaf school. I put up with it. I suffered through that. And all the while I was masking that I looked good in public. I was a star of the school plays. I was on the honor roll all the time. It made up for, I guess, what you call my weaknesses with sports and competition. I mean, my dad would say, you got to be in football in high school. What are you doing? That's an expectation. You know, so my brother and I, we were not star athletes at all. It was just not born in the genes. And when we graduated high school, I graduated valedictorian and went to college in Washington, D.C. It was called Gallaudet University. And at that time, Gallaudet College. It's the world's only liberal arts college for deaf in the world, just Gallaudet. And that was new to me. I moved and I kind of had a clean slate to start from. Oh, I was a good boy again, right? I was pure. That lasted about two weeks. And I could not get the last out of my head. I struggled and I just couldn't act out on campus. I was afraid that someone would catch me. And anyone who was caught having sex with other boys, their heads would be shaved. And so we would be identified that way. So it was scary for me. I didn't want that to happen. I would lie at the beginning. Oh, I'm going to see a play downtown. I'm going to go see a movie downtown. But really, I would sneak off and act out in different places, different areas. Police arrested me one or two times, but it was a warning. And I still went back. And the name for that was lust. But at that time, I didn't know that. After 10 years of living in Washington, DC, I moved to Connecticut and became a professional actor. And that again was a clean slate. You know, I was a good, good man, but it didn't last. It was a short lived good boy time period. I struggled and struggled. I struggled to find serenity in what that meant in my life. Eventually, I moved to Rochester because of my job. I studied to become a deacon. And at that time, I have another clean slate. But again, it was short lived. But however, December, I don't know, it wasn't December, probably a few months before December, I joined group therapy. And it focused on the first, second, and third steps out of the webbing. And they helped us name our addiction. I didn't want the group to know that I was an addict. Growing up, I always masked it with acting and being on the honor roll. And there's no way I could act out like that. I was a perfectionist. There was nothing wrong with me as the public saw it. So I struggled internally with that. So I did go to that group therapy. And one facilitator was hearing. He didn't know anything about deaf culture, but asked me about using an interpreter. And he asked me, are you a deacon? Do you practice celibacy? And I said, uh huh, yes, yes. But obviously, my body and face didn't show that. The answer was wrong. He kept asking me questions and grilling me. I practice my deacon ship. Yeah, sure. Yeah, I do practice. Yep. And after I saw him that following week, that whole week, I tossed and turned. I kept thinking about like, God, what am I going to do? And how am I going to answer these questions? You know, I had slept around. I had done everything out of what I should be doing. And I was looking for opportunities to act out at any time. And now this man's asking me questions. If I'm a practicing, you know, deacon and practicing celibacy, and that following week, the group sat down. And that same person asked me again. So I decided to really cause them to have a heart attack. I mean, literally they fell off their truck, their, their chairs, telling them everything from my past to, to that moment. Every single one in that group, they didn't actually fall out of their chair, but I thought they would. They were all nodding. And I kept thinking like, something the higher power sent this man to ask me these questions. I truly, truly believe that. And this man, he didn't sign. I was signing through the interpreter. And we communicated with each other through the computer when the interpreter wasn't there. And he told me, you know, we have a group, it's called essay. And I was shocked at that moment. I was like, these are people who aren't judging me. And he asked the other group, he asked me, are you ready to give up lust? And I said, well, what does it mean, like, lust in your, in your opinion? And he said, well, you know what lust is. And he said, and then I answered, maybe this is the answer. December 21st, it was near Christmas day. And that was a gift. That was God's Christmas gift to me by saying, yes, I was ready to give up lust. But at that point, I didn't know what it meant. I just kept thinking this higher power is giving me a gift. And he was my new sponsor at that point. And I said, yes, I'm ready. And so that was a very profound moment for me. And thanks to him, and that room of individuals and the 12 steps for me, I will defend myself, you know, for example, when I walk on the street, I used to see a man, I would see men walking by. And I needed eyes. I have to look at them because I'm deaf. I can't hear them. And my sponsor would say, look away. You can look away. And I thought to myself, I'm disappointed. I don't want to look away. I use my eyes. That's how I communicate. So it was awkward for me for a few months. Because I really didn't have groups that I could join. And I was scared of having an interpreter. The interpreters aren't members. And at that time, they explained the interpreter is there, and everything that's talked about in these meetings is confidential. So December 21st, I said yes to the program. To August 15th, I finally went into an actual essay group meeting. And that's when my eyes were opened. I was in complete awe that all of these people, their stories, their experiences, their trauma, I was not the only one experiencing it. And it was such a relief. It was such a load off my shoulders. Honestly, I said yes to my sponsor without understanding what was going to happen. Then I joined the actual essay group. And I had to be honest and open and willing to go through the hardships and the process of the steps. I'm surprised I'm still sober, but inside, my anger is out. It's gone. For years and years, I had just pushed the anger down. I had suppressed it all the time when I was little, all the things that had happened to me. I'm a perfectionist, like I said, and I'll never be satisfied with anything. You know, if people are in the room and they relapse, I'm upset, right? Or anyone asks me, "Will you be my sponsor?" I have to control their life. So I can't do that. I can't expect myself to control their life and their sobriety. So I didn't get the program and how it worked right at the beginning. I was angry with my priests. They wouldn't do what I wanted them to do. I was hoping the members in the meeting and the group would sponsor me and say, "You're right, Pat." But they kept saying, "You're wrong. You are wrong." And lucky that one member came up to me and said, "What's your part in this room? What's your problem? Why are you here?" And I got, "Oh, my God. I don't understand." I said, "No, this dude's wrong. He's telling me I'm wrong." So no, I'm right. He's wrong. But going through the steps diligently, I had that understanding of I was powerless over it and everything else. I'm not God. I can't control everything. Boy, but I'm a stubborn old man. And I tell you what, if things go out of whack, I do get a little upset. But I'm not going to die. No one's going to die from it. And the steps were helping me save my life with my interpreter. Because as I read the book, it's old English. So I'm reading it and reading it. There's parts of it I understand. But when I watch the interpreter in the meeting, it helps me understand more in depth about what the English is telling me. My English is good. I have a bachelor's degree in English, but it's never, ever going to be perfect. I can write in English. But if I'm true to myself, I need to use a sign language interpreter for my meetings and my recovery. The face, the body language, the voice that the interpreter is using now chooses all of those nuances of English and how to really get my message across. So for now, I'm working the steps. I continue to work the steps. And I would say it's about seven or eight years until I started understanding that me blaming other people and gossiping about other people and blaming, don't look at me. I didn't do it. It's all your guys' faults. That that's not the truth. It helped me really analyze myself and my behaviors. And I realized that serenity prayer, it means God gave me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, but I can change what I want to change in my power. Five minutes. And I can look at how I respond and change my attitude. I cannot control other people. I can only control my own reactions. And there's a difference between God and me. I can't play God. If I became the president of the world, I mean, it would be a mess. So thank God, I have God because that would be horrific. And that's who we need to remember is God or how your power, however he appears to you. Study the book, go to your meetings. I'm so thankful that I joined. And that through the interpreter, I was able to be led to find essay. And 26 years, I always look forward to the years ahead. Because inside, I know my spirituality is growing. I'm 84 right now. And inside, I'm still that little boy sometimes. I'm afraid to make decisions. I'm afraid to take a step forward. But I feel I have more courage at 84 than I ever had at nine. And you could definitely see the difference. It's important to do that self-analyzation. And not to be angry with the world. The world is messed up. And then people get angry. That's going to happen. But inside your own recovery, finding that serenity and that peace is super important. So thank you for letting me share. That thank you so much for sharing. We appreciate your willingness to serve and share your experience, strength, and hope with us. And tell me if I'm speaking too fast or too slow. Yeah. Hi, everyone. Nancy, sex alcoholic. Thank you so much, Matt. And thank you for persevering through the issues around translation. This is my question. Do you sponsor? I sponsor people in a second language. And do you have tips? Especially when there's very little broken between languages. Do you have tips on how to sponsor that way? That's a good question. As a sponsor, you're a sponsor from Ireland, correct? There is a deaf sponsor from Ireland who uses Irish Sign Language. So it's just one tip is important to relax. Have that inner peace. It will come to you. Try to understand where they're coming from. And it's best just to listen. Ask questions, of course, for clarification. That's always nice to know that that's a possibility. And let the person lead you. Communication will become more clear. I always would make the mistake. And I would try to handle the conversation. And I would tell, tell, tell, tell, tell. And then they would blow up. And then it would be a mess. So I have to have that inner peace first to show that they can lead the questions and the answers. Thank you very much. Thank you, Nancy and Pat. Next, we have Kathy. Thank you, Margaret. Thank you, Pat. I'm sorry. I always wait. I'm sorry. My voice is very instinct. What I would like to ask was, what does your daily stepping up in practice look right today to achieve that inner serenity? Thank you. In the morning, I wake up and I'm always wanting to give thanks to my higher power, higher power for allowing me to wake up every morning. Thank you for letting me feel good today. Maybe it's for sobriety. Maybe it's for life, love, the weather. It's a thankful moment for me. And even at a weak moment, if I wake up, I still say thank you. I read my spiritual book of prayers and meditation. It could be about an hour. I do journal. I do journal a lot. It helps me kind of look inner inside myself and figure out where my day is going to be and making sure that my day is planned out correctly. And I want to make sure I have the opportunity to serve. That's very important to me. It doesn't have to be in person. I have what's called video relay phone. So I'm able to communicate with anyone through an interpreter or direct communication with another deaf person through sign language in the United States. That's what we have. And I usually talk to two or three people meeting wise for two or three times a week. And that just helps my sobriety along with theirs. My challenge, though, is in the evenings. It seems that when I used to act out for years, it would be in the evenings and overnight. My brain cells are still thinking like that. And they're firing off going, eh, it's nighttime. So I get really restless at night. Sometimes I'm tempted to go to the refrigerator and eat something, something sweet, of course. But so that's a challenge for me. It's important for me to stay in the present in that moment every minute of every day and just face reality as it comes to me. I have real connections with people inside the meetings and outside the meetings. It doesn't matter. I'm a very active member of my church. And that helps me keep on track daily. Yeah. Hope that answered your question. Thank you, Kathy and Pat. So now we have Tom. I think you're on mute. Thanks. Yeah. Thank you so much for that share was amazing. I am also a perfectionist. I have this deep need to be good all the time. And I really appreciated your words on that. My question though is about how you deal with the combination of being a perfectionist and growing spiritually and learning more about the program and what is good for you and for others. I struggle sometimes with all the knowledge that I read and all the research I do. It gives me more ammunition to control people. I'm struggling still with this self-righteousness. So I wondered if you had any advice on that. And I'm laughing because I see myself in you. So that's that's funny. That's why I'm laughing. I guess what helped me is becoming part of your prayer if that makes sense. You read the long version. Have you read the long version of the Serenity Prayer? You know, there's one line in there that says live one day at a time. The second thing is enjoy a moment at a time. And the third is accept hardships as a pathway to peace. And that I'm not good at that because I want the easy way out. I want to control it. I want to get it done. Get in and get out. So I don't like playing sports. I never have. I don't want hardships. I want to avoid that. My early years of essay, I remember always saying, you know, I'm frustrated. I don't like why don't why can't I just skip a step here and there? You know, like why? I had to learn that the steps were there for a reason and the hardships I have to go through to understand other people's hardships. The challenge for me is taking as he did this sinful world as it is and not as I would have it. Right? Again, can't play God. And that line, I always tell myself, I can't control everything. You know, when you're up and you're tossing and turning at night and you say, I'm disappointed in myself, I'm frustrated, you know, frustrated for being bossy. Let it go. Just let it go and let your higher power take that on, control what you can control. And not always analyzing other people's behavior, but just analyze yourself and know that I have this desire to control that's part of you, Tom, but it doesn't define you. You're going to make errors, you're going to make mistakes, and you ask God to remove those character flaws when you're ready. Because I want to be perfect too. You and I, we're a team, like we just can't do it. It's just impossible. Thank you so much. Thanks, Tom and Pat. Hi, I'm Margot. I'm a sexaholic. And my question is, I'm aware that in ASL, there's humor that is not available in English. I'm wondering if there are any SA slogans in ASL that you have created or heard that possibly could be translated to us in English. If there are more deaf members, maybe we would come up with some slogans or signs or new interpretations of those slogans. But I've been the only one and I am creative, but I need stimulation to do that from other deaf people to come up with signs. So sorry, there are none. Thank you, Pat. And I just feel healed and heart warmed just by your presence. So thank you for coming. You are welcome. Okay, Daniel. Hello, I'm Daniel J. Sexaholic. Pat, thank you very much for for your share. And I also want to say thank you very much to Leah for her translation. Awesome job. And I think she is even capturing the emotions that you that I see in your face, she is capturing those emotions in her voice. My question is, after all these years, how has your concept of your higher power evolved? Oh, that's a good question. Growing up in the school for the deaf and the dorms, we had dorm supervisors and they can be mean. I mean, mean. My father, you know, he was just really never a communicator with me. He never learned sign language. He would tend to use physical punishment as a way to control the kids, especially me. So I thought that is how God would punish me. If my dad did it, meant I'm going to go to hell. That's what I was told. I struggled with that for years. And once I became a deacon, before I joined essay, my understanding of God was very strict. You know, it was cold. I had to strive for perfection. Everybody had to be perfect. Then I joined essay and it helped me rediscover who God was and that he wasn't cold. He wasn't mean. He was caring, very warm and loving. And, you know, people in the meeting room too, they wouldn't judge me for anything that I would ever say. God doesn't judge. He wants my full attention. And he wants me to become who I'm supposed to be. And however I get to that journey and that endpoint, I know God is blessing me with those close steps to do that and the fellowship that I feel throughout essay meetings. Does that answer your question? Great. Thanks, Daniel and Pat and Leah. And now we have Mohammed. Thank you. I am Mohammed. I'm a six-hearted and powerless soulless. Thank you, Pat, for your share and I really appreciate that. And I would like, as I heard, the big book is in the sign language. So I would like and I'd love to know the chapter of a vision for you. How do you see it and how do you experience in this chapter, your personal experience, in short? And thank you. That's a good question, Mohammed. You guys have really good questions. So, you know, I said I was a professional actor, a professional actor. So theater and English professor were my main jobs. I developed skills in translating from English to ASL. That is one of my trained abilities. I never studied my own sign language. Now, young signers who are now learning sign language have to take classes in ASL. But in my time, we just learned it and went with it. And so those students now are able to have better skills in translating to English and from English. And some can become certified deaf interpreters. So they work with hearing interpreters on a job. I don't have that skill. However, a vision for you, what's a challenge? I wish I could show you how I would translate that. But I always have the interpreter. And I know the interpreters have a hard time on the road to happiness, you know, and destiny. Those are all words that are hard. I always sign on the road to a happy future. So I'll sign future instead of destiny. I'm like, what is that? Like, what is the sign for that? I would love to have a team discussion and analyze that vision for you and translate that into a perfect ASL translation. But that has not happened. But I'm really glad you asked that question because yeah, it's definitely a challenge for the interpreters that work with me and myself. Thank you, Mom and Pat. Okay, brah. Hi, Pat. Thank you so much for sharing your experience and wisdom with us. I really am appreciative of getting to hear all the wisdom that I get from these meetings from old timers like yourself. And one question I have, I'm working with a Sponsey right now that is really struggling with relapses. And I was wondering if you have any wisdom to offer something that I could share with him about, you know, really is truly surrendering, you know, not trying to do it to himself. Any kind of words of wisdom you have, I'd really appreciate. Thank you. And do you speak the same language as your Sponsey? Yes, I do. Yes. Okay. Okay. I mean, I've been an essay for 26 years. And how many relapses? I have seen and witnessed over and over again have been tremendous. They have to stay in the fellowship. Many leave after they relapse. But the program is not soft. It is not. I know you and I are very patient. So you show love. You do that very well. And you have that soft guidance about you. Instead of the yelling and reprimanding and, and, you know, clubbing on the head, you just kind of want to shake him. It's more of a character check in kind of like, you know, checking in with him and making sure he's really looking at the things internally he needs to look at. Because if he takes out and he leaves, what's making him inside relapse and not want to come back? If they can, if you can find that root of the, of that cause, that's maybe where he needs to start. Maybe he's lonely. Maybe he's afraid, scared, he's going to be judged. Maybe he'll, he's full of anxiety. And maybe he's just tired, you know. And then thinking about halt, hungry, angry, lonely, and tired. Yeah. So maybe asking the halt questions and finding out what that root is. I don't know if that helps you, but I think there's always a deeper root to why they relapse. Yes. Thank you. Thank you. Yes. Yes. Thank you. Pat and Bra and is it Leah or Leah? It's Leah. Leah. Okay. So we have about a little less than three minutes left. So Kristi, what would you like to ask? Thank you very much for giving me an opportunity to ask the question. My question is, my sponsor says that for me to have serenity, I am to be find emotional security with my higher power. How do I do that? Thank you. What's your mind like, I guess, would be my question. Are you kind of like a squirrel, squirrel, squirrel, squirrel, squirrel, or can you keep attention? Can you think about things, think through things, do you have a process, or you are kind of like hyperactive? So if you know that, you can practice prayer and meditation. At least twice a day would be my suggestion. Once in the morning, once in the afternoon or in the evening, and be good to yourself, take those times to meditate and be kind and give yourself grace, include your mistakes and your character flaws, accept those, and just shut your mind off for a little bit and give yourself time to do that. Does that help? I would like to thank you for listening to this episode of The Daily Reprieve, the best source for experience, strength, and hope for essay members. Please subscribe to this podcast to be alerted of new episodes. Please show your support by donating to The Daily Reprieve by going to donate.thedayreprebe.com and choosing either monthly donations or a one-time donation by clicking donate now. Thank you for listening, and stay tuned for the next episode of The Daily Reprieve. [Music]