Doicism will help you in your entire life. It will help you decide what your purpose is. It will help you be non-reactive and non-emotional to response of the things that are going on around you. And it is key to so much. (upbeat music) Hey, hey, hey everybody and welcome back to The Positivity Experience. It's your girl, Lori, and I am so excited that you're here. It is the almost the end of spooky season, which is crazy, not spooky season, spooky month, 'cause it's always gonna be a spooky season for me. I hope that your month is going by well and you were embracing fall/spring wherever you are right now. And I literally cannot wait for this topic. I can't wait for all of them, but this made such a difference in my own personal growth. And I think it also aligned pretty closely with me practicing a level of what my Buddhism practice is. So it really helped me and you don't need to practice some certain way of life in order to do this, 'cause stoicism is such an amazing, amazing thing. So let's talk about what it is and why you need it. And over on Patreon, there is going to be a worksheet. It's going to help you implement this into your life. How can you do this? How can you restructure this? How can you change basically that mindset and be aware of where you're not practicing it? 'Cause you know, one of the biggest ways to figure what's working for you is to figure out what's not working for you, right? So now you're working at it in a place of, well, this is not working for me. So maybe this is a direction I don't want to take. So it helps eliminate things. So sometimes you can say, all right, well, what do I want in life? What do I want in a relationship? And it's hard for you to kind of get tunnel visioned in to kind of say, okay, what is it that I do really want? Well, before you can know that, sometimes we have to subtract things. So this will be very helpful. If that is your jam, hop over to Patreon, patreon.com/thepositivityexperience, or you can find the link anywhere that you're getting this show right now in the description. So let's talk about stoicism and I will kind of go through how this really helped me and how you may see it with example because you can hear things, but sometimes we need a really good example. So what is stoicism? So it's an ancient Greek philosophy, right? 'Cause we're gonna go way back in time. A lot of the things that can help us today, we can find within our ancestors a gajillion years ago, right? Because we complicate things now. We have so many more things that are fingertips like that are good at times, AI, social media, all of these things can be good, but they can also take away from the things that really actually worked to keep us as a functional society. And that's how I think that we created so many amazing things like pyramids and 'cause you have to adopt a certain level of stoicism to not be reactive. Now this does not mean that you're just a drone. This means that you're living within purpose. And for me, this is a big, big way in which I lived and live and it really helps prevent a lot of unnecessary anger or expectations or ego. So it's an ancient Greek philosophy. It's founded in the early third century BC. So think about how long that goes by Zeno of sitium. All right, so again, goes way back. This is emphasizing personal ethics informed by a system of logic, logic and views of the natural world. So that's essentially what it was, right? So it's basically looking at it through the lens of no real emotion, you're just looking at it for a fact finding. And at the core, stoicism is mastering your emotions. Yes, baby, achieving mental clarity and cultivating resilience through rational thought. Okay, so really think about that. So it's the rational thought. So where does this come into play if you're struggling with anxieties or depressions and emotional dysregulation? Which we're gonna talk about emotional regulation and why this is important for that. But it's always gonna be a little bit more challenging if you're struggling with a certain neurodivergence or some things that you're dealing with. The key though, is to remember that it's not impossible. Okay, it's not impossible. It might prove to be a little bit more challenging, but as you start to work through this, and maybe medication is needed. You know, some additional guidance, of course. But at the end of the day, it is up to you to adopt this. So it might be more challenging, but you have to remember that it is within your power. It is within your power to start to work on this. And you're going to have to realize that your ego, there is no place for your ego in stoicism. Outside of a situation where you are allowing yourself to see things from a different view and going into your secure part of your ego, now that's gonna be different. But when you're trying to be right, you're worried about being weak, you're worried about those things, you're not going to live in stoicism. That's just, it's just not gonna exist. And so it's the ability to remain unaffected by external events, practicing virtue, regardless of circumstances. So this goes back to core values, okay? Really listen to what I said, ability to remain unaffected by external events. This is hard for a lot of people right now. 'Cause you see the world, you see things that are, because why is this? 'Cause you're trying to control it, okay? Like if I was gonna say, boom, how could I describe it in like one to two sentences? It would be stoicism is accepting the things that are not in your control. And only focusing on what it is, regardless of what's going on around you. And that's essentially what it is. Listen, the world can be a crazy place. There's a lot of uncertainty. You can't control it. So I've had people go, how do you not let things like this bother you? And some of you listening are my clients. And you guys know, like I'm dealing with a lot of heavy stuff, a lot of heavy situations. So I don't take it on. And people say, how do you not take it on? It's not my due process. I will help. I will guide. I will give you the tools. I can't make you do it. And to take it on, I can still be empathetic without being attached to it. And it is nothing that I need to carry. And it's not about being cold. And I think that sometimes where people get caught up and thinking, well, if I just don't get affected by this, it doesn't make me a bad person. It does not make you a bad person. It makes you a person who is focusing on solely on what you can control. So let's go into the theory of it, because it is rooted in the four primary virtues. So this is a little bit different than when you practice Buddhism and you're talking about the Four Noble Truths. A little bit different, but there's a good place where they can align together and wisdom, all right? So the first one is gonna be wisdom. And wisdom is the ability to navigate complex situations with good judgment, all right? So you're going to, you're going to have complex situations. This is not to make it seem like, oh my God, if you do this, you're never going to have issues. You're never going to be faced with adversity. Quite the opposite. It means when you are, you will have the tools to do it. But really think about what wisdom is. It's the ability to navigate and realize that so many things are out of your control. So when you're in that, your good judgment means, doesn't mean you got to be everything right. See, I think people here are good judgment and think, I can't make a mistake. No, no, good judgment is, is there a reason for me to take this on? It is not. And this is even with your children, even with your elderly parents, even with blah, blah, blah. Again, empathy. Yes, carrying it to you is not virtuous. Holding other people's stuff is not virtuous. It's not a virtue. It is a way of trying to fix. It is can sometimes be a trauma response. All right, I'm not asking not to be kind and caring. I'm just saying, don't take it on. And the wisdom that you will carry, lets you know this is not my circus, not my monkeys. Now, it also takes courage. So we're gonna talk about wisdom, courage, justice and impermanence, which we talked about impermanence and there's a whole podcast on it. So if you wanna go deeper when we get there, just go back to that podcast. But courage is the capacity to set the agility, right? So your courage is to accept the agility and allowing yourself to face the fear and know that pain is there, but suffering is optional. Pain is there. Suffering is optional where we just, so it's the agility. This is the pivot. You know how I'm always like, you pivot. Well, this is what it is. You pivot because things aren't always gonna go as planned. The world isn't gonna go because you have a system and this is where you get yourself messed up. Well, I don't understand. Like none of this one is planned and it is what it is. Like, okay, are you gonna focus on that it didn't go as it is? Or the way you wanted it or are you gonna accept it and say, what can I do? Can I control it? Can I not control it? Now, justice isn't just fairness as justice for other people. This is within yourself. Accepting that you can treat other people fairly and according to what is right based in your core values and understand that you have justice for yourself. This does not mean as much as you would like for it to be in return that you have to focus on, I'm gonna do this, I expect you to do the same thing. It's that weird, lower your ego and be kind to, you know, be that person, be kind, treat others fairly. It's not always going to come back to you but the justice for within yourself is you are standing up for what is right for you if that in fact is right for you. It doesn't mean that you have to expect that back and accept when you don't and that's where stoicism comes in. You can't control people, you cannot control the narrative and then impermanence which of course we talked about is, you know, mastering yourself control, not doing things out of impulse which again, can be challenging if you're dealing with certain things and accepting that everything is temporary. Everything is temporary. It doesn't matter what you like, what you don't like. Things are going to change. If you said I am going to bank every possible dime, I will ever, ever, ever have in my life. On one thing, bank it on change. Change is inevitable, it's going to happen. Good, bad, it's nondescript and that's where change comes in and you get yourself caught up because you're trying to prevent that change. You don't like the unpredictable. Now as a human being and in human development piece, we like routine, our body, especially ADHD or you have other different neurodivergent situations, you really thrive off of a routine but the routine is typically for what you can master within yourself, right? What you can control. That's still being said, there's only so much that you can do. And I mean, that's just something that you're going to have to accept and you're going to have to get through and you have to say, where is my ego resistant to it? Because regardless of liking the unknown or not wanting to not control the unknown, it doesn't matter. You're getting yourself caught up in a corner, your ego is there. So that's that. Now, accepting external circumstances because that's literally they're going to happen. The things you say on the news, the things that you fear doesn't mean that because you don't like them or you wish that they were different that they're not going to happen because they will still happen. But they are out of your control. Now, that being said, you focus on what is in your control and that is your reactions, your mindset about the reactions 'cause that's important 'cause you're focusing on that. Distinguishing between the two factors, you can only focus on what you can change and accept that at any given time, there's going to be an outcome in your life and that outcome may not be what you want. That outcome may be something that you're like, oh gosh, why is this the outcome? You're focusing too hard on the why because the why itself is never going to be adequate for you. Why did this relationship end? If somebody tells you they're exact why, you might not like it. But it's their why. And that's what you have to keep in mind because it's out of your control. You can't control how somebody sees you. You cannot control their mindset. You cannot control their reactions. You cannot control how they perceive you because that's all going to be rooted in what they are capable of doing. And you have to get clear in that. And that resistance of why can't they like me or why don't they like me or why do they feel this way? Goes into a lot of different areas, right? So in stoicism, there really is not a place for insecurity. So you're not going to get there overnight. You're not gonna be like, all right, everything's impermanent. So now I'm stoic. You're not stoic because anytime you find yourself trying to control the outcome or trying to control the narrative and trying to manipulate it into fitting something, that's the opposite of stoicism 'cause you're not accepting that you're not in control of things. And until you do that, it's going to be very difficult, regardless of how many podcasts, how many public speakers, how many books you read, none of that is essentially going to come into play. All right, I mean, it's not gonna come into play when you're dealing with stoicism. And that is where people say, I want to be stoic. I want to feel clarity. I want to be mindful 'cause that's a big part of stoicism. I want to do these things, but there's always a butt. And once the butt hits, everything you just said goes out the window, right? Anytime a butt comes into play, everything that was said prior to that is irrelevant. Man, I'm really so sorry that I exploded on you, but, okay. That apology goes right out the window. The butt, the, no, no, no, we're not going to do that. And you have to be okay with laying down your sword of the ego because these external factors will happen. People's actions will happen. The plans that you want will not go as planned. That will happen. And your need to control it outside of obviously insecurity and some traumas, okay, is still ego. And your reactions, no human being on this planet can make you react, you react. They don't make you react. Now, listen, they might pick that scab, they might try to poke the bear, they may want to get a reaction out of you, and then you are giving it. And this is where you have to master your emotions. I didn't say not feel them. Master not responding or reacting out of them. A response is vastly different than a reaction, right? You sit, you pause, and you are going to respond to something. If you react in explosion, if you react in, I have to defend myself. The moment you feel the need to go to battle, you are not in stoicism. The world is not going to go according to you, it's not. This doesn't mean you have to just tolerate everything, but you do have to accept things in this world right now are going to be in this world. What can you do? You can vote, you might be able to put a bill together, you might, great. But other things are largely out of your control and you're going to have to accept that, like it or not. So this goes into understanding your reactions. Because your reaction is in your control. Your mindset is also in your control. So when you get clear in that you start getting the understanding that no human being can make you react, even though they're trying, that's power back into your pocket. You don't have to like it. That's where those five journals come into play. That's where learning emotional regulation. That's where distancing where necessary comes into play. That's where accepting that they are not your responsibility, like their feelings are not your responsibility. These things are so imperative to you living that life that you're seeking. That is the root of it. Because you have to differentiate and you have to get clear, I can't control blank. Didn't say you like it, didn't say you hate it, whatever. You can't control if somebody loves you. You can't control if somebody changes. You can't control if the world explodes on a dime. You can't control it. And if you focus on what you are responsible for and what you can control to the best of your ability, that makes your life so much easier. All right, it really does. Because instead of focusing on the catastrophe or catastrophizing something, you are literally focusing on what is within your power. And that's rewarding. It might be scary. But think about this. Every time you focus on what you can't control, you often don't have to face the things that maybe you need to change. Maybe the things that you need to control and divert and have agility to. So it's always easier to focus on something that's traumatic or a catastrophe or what somebody is not doing in that judgment. It is always easier to do that than go, well, hell. All right, I guess I got to deal with myself. I mean, shit, oh, where do I start? Right, so now you're forced to see with yourself and sometimes that can be scary. So it's easier to focus on the negative and it's also familiar. People say, well, why am I so negative? It's familiar to you. You might hate it, but you know how to react to it. You know what it is like to be reactive. You know what it is like to be an overthinker. You really do. So you're gonna go where the familiar is even if you don't like it because then you're faced with the unknown and unless you're gonna be stoic through it, you're gonna have a problem. And that's why this will come. Now you could say, I want to live in a very stoic lifestyle. This is how I live my life, 90% of the time, right? And so when you're living that lifestyle, there's steps you're gonna have to take for you get there. You're not just gonna go to stoic though. You have to deal with the impermanence. You have to deal with the ego. You have to deal with the insecurities. You have to heal those things, but this gives you an idea of where you're going. You're not gonna listen to this when all of a sudden becomes stoic. It's never gonna happen. So there's so many other steps that you need to get there, but if you understand that there are these beautiful lights and these beakers, these little mile markers on your journey, then it doesn't make it seem so hopeless. Hard, challenging, but you know you're going toward something, right? It's like being on vacation or going on vacation and you have a 20 hour drive, okay? Well, you start that drive and you're like, "Damn it, this is, oh God." Now you're like, "Oh God, why didn't I fly with you?" Okay, now you're four hours out. You're like, "Oh, we should hurry, I'm getting here." But closer, okay, then you get to your destination. Yeah, you might have been antsy to get there, but you got there. So if you know you're going to a destination versus if I said, "Do you hate just getting the car "and drive 20 hours, what the hell am I doing that for?" Where am I just drive? You have no destination. It's the same thing within your personal growth. So you have to have a destination. So if you're looking to live your best life, you're going to want to adopt a certain level of stoicism and it works. This is a Greek philosophy that has been around for a hundred gajillion years. It's the third century BC. That was kind of a long time ago. So, and it works and it is a theory that people still practice today, myself being one of them. So it's a practice that works, but you're going to have to lay down your sort of ego. 'Cause if you don't, this is where it's gonna go. So why do you want to have it? Well, it's a dichotomy of control. What is the dichotomy of control? It's understanding what you can and cannot control. Okay, understanding your thoughts, understanding your actions and understanding your attitudes and controlling those. You get to control your attitude. Yes, you do. You could say I'm in a bad mood. Okay, cool. Work, they're it, process it, but let's move forward. You can control your thought after the first one. Your first thought's never really your thought. I mean, it is, but it just kind of jumps in your head. That's why intrusive thoughts exist. And then how you react and respond out of that attitude is now in your, I mean, thought is now in your control. Initial thought just pops in. Sometimes you have those random thoughts and you're like, where the hell did that come from? Don't obsess on it. And then you have an opportunity to change that. The same as your actions. This is where that dissonance comes into play. Your words say this, your actions say this. They're not the same thing. So you are in control, self-control, self-discipline, not motivation, self-control, self-discipline to align those two. Okay, now you're in the dichotomy of control. Always focusing on what that is for you. Negative visualization. I love negative visualization. I'm not saying you got to live there, but if you regularly contemplate the possibility of loss, right, don't go, oh my God, I can't control it. But by understanding this is that impermanence, understanding the impermanence of it. Yeah, at some point, those things, those relationships might go. You never wanna be like, is this my forever person, stop doing that? Because people change, people's desires change. Maybe, how about keep it right here? If it's Monday, keep it on Monday. If it's now, keep it on now. Great to have a plan for future and goals and saving money, but that person may or may not be there. And if you are focusing on that, I'm not saying focus on the loss and then be miserable, just focusing on the loss means focusing on the impermanence of it all. And it really helps you appreciate what you have now. And that's absolutely imperative 'cause it goes into the very next one, right? Which is mindfulness. Mindfulness is keeping you here. Mindfulness is understanding that the past is the past. The future is not here yet, and you really don't know what that holds. You can plan for it, but you really don't know what that's gonna hold. So if you're dwelling on the past or you're worrying about the future, remember dwelling on the past is dwelling past, worrying about future is forward. None, okay, the past is dead and gone. I don't care if you like it, I don't care if you hate it, I don't care if you regret it, I don't care. It's over, it's done. There is an acceptance to that. What did you learn? Okay, great, let's take that. And now let's put that into today. Let's put that into action right now. That is all that you can control. That is it. That's all that's in your control. So when you focus on right now, you can go, okay, I learned this lesson, but let's not live there and go, okay, how did I learn this lesson? Okay, shh. And whatever's gonna happen is gonna happen. The unknown is where everything that is amazing happens. The unknown, everything always at all times will work out in the unknown. It just may not work out as you want it to. It may work out where it's so disastrous that you learn a lesson, but it's working out. It's working out as it's supposed to. So if you're worried so much about the outcome, you're never staying in the present moment. So it's like looking at, let's say your grandparents, say they're getting older, grandparents raised you or you're very, very close with your grandparents and you know, they're kind of getting up there, okay? And now you start focusing, oh my gosh, how much longer do I have with them? So now you're so worried about it, you're missing out on all of the good stuff today. Oh my God, this could be the last time I see her. Okay, just see her. Just be here right now. Be here now. And it's understanding that your ego is not welcome here outside of secure ego. It's not welcome there. 'Cause your ego wants to control things. Your ego and your anxiety wants to protect you from something that is irrelevant to protect you from because it's out of your control. If yes, you can control certain things by focusing now, maybe it's being a mindful practice. Maybe it's doing a yoga practice. You're trying to at least make the future a little bit easier, but you're focusing on now, you're not controlling that. There, you're helping yourself now. And that mindfulness is just imperative. It is a practice that has helped me through my anxiety. It is a practice that has forced me over the years to accept that it is what it is. And, you know, sometimes people think that's so like, well, that's cold and that's negative. Okay, so dwelling on it is doing what? Letting, not letting go of this. How is that protecting you? You're never gonna live stoic if you're not willing to let go of the past. You move forward. It's not, I mean, it kind of is about, okay, well, this happened. I know what I do and don't want around me. And that's where those core values came in that we talked about a couple of weeks ago. But then it's putting your ego and check to accept, you know what, this may not be what I want it to. This relationship that once was may not be for me any longer, whether I like it or not. And then accepting it, right? And then if you're having a hard time accepting it, that's where you know where to work. If you are in attachment that's not secure, if you are in anxious or avoidant or, you know, disorganized, which is the two together, if that's where you are, that's where you focus. See, to know what it is that you're going to, you have to go, wow, what is my challenge? Like, what are my challenges right now? Exactly, even the categories. Like, what are my challenges? Well, let me focus there. Because when you're in attachment, I understand it's from trauma. I understand it's from certain things, but you are here today. If we keep worrying about the past and how we got here, it is a reason, it is never an excuse. But if you focus on today, you were never very often, never responsible for your trauma that led you to attachment. For the most part, 98% of the times, it's never on you, right? It's never what you created. But you are here today. You can't let your trauma become your identity. And I mean, that was me in my late teens and early twenties. Why did this happen to mom? Why did I, this happened with my dad? Why was he an alcoholic? Why did I have to live in a van? Like, all of the why, why, why, why, why? That wasn't living now. That wasn't staying in the present space now. And my situations, and even why I have certain anxieties, and always will probably for the rest of my life, did come from somewhere that wasn't me, but it is up to me. It is, I am my responsibility. My happiness, my peace, my healing, my boundaries. This is on me. And it's on you. And that's a great thing, because that means that you are in control of how your life goes. Not might not happen overnight. You might not be like, well, I want to get out of this relationship, so I'm just gonna roll out. Well, sometimes you might not be able to, but you know that you have a goal. Do not allow yourself to live in the familiar, because that's why we live in chaos. If you're ever like, God, why is this person always so damn negative? It's familiar. So it's familiar people very often practice what's familiar, because that's comfortable. It's embracing the discomfort, because if you don't, you're gonna keep spinning out. You're gonna keep searching podcasts and therapies and medications, and looking for a fast answer, and it does not exist. There is no one hat fits all. There is no one way to get there. There is an assortment of ways, and it all rides on you. You are in control of your self-discipline. You really are. You are in control of how you're gonna get to these destinations. It's on you, and it's a beautiful thing. Think about how much power you give away every single day. You're so worried about others, people's thoughts of you. You're worried about this. You're worried about that. Think of how much power you're giving away, and every single one of those things are in your control, not so much how they think about you, but how doesn't, you're not reactive to it. Doesn't that sound great? Like you have all this power, but every single day, you're giving it away, every day. 'Cause you're looking for validation. You're looking for verification. You're looking for the want. You are capable of giving yourself that. And while we are social creatures, while we are not islands of one, while we do need interaction, we do not glom on to things and people for the sake of having people. So maybe sometimes you're gonna have to go through a level of isolation for a little bit, not out of trauma, just because you have to start figuring out who you are. You have to start doing that. Now, why do we need stoicism, right? Because we definitely need it. And again, over on Patreon, there's kind of gonna be a list of where you're not practicing it and how you can start practicing in it. And it's always gonna be some self-reflection, right? It's not, I'm not giving any magical things that you gotta be willing to implement them, but it's resilience. One of the reasons is resilience. Yeah, a lot of you are resilient now. You don't give yourself credit for it. But resilience, like you're facing the lack of control during crisis. And that's okay. It's allowed to be, you know, you're allowed to be, like, oh man, this is a loss. You're allowed to sit through it. Your emotions are your emotions. It doesn't mean that you're just non-emotional. It means that you're not reacting from emotion. You're not allowing your emotion to dictate your mood. You're not allowing your emotions to give you a reactive space. This is where stoicism helps with emotional regulation. I understand that there's gonna be things in certain ways that you're wired that are gonna make this emotional regulation a little harder for you, but I promise you that you are capable of it. What is emotional regulation? I have a podcast on it, but if I had to define that for you in like a sentence, so you kind of understand emotional regulation versus dysregulation, emotional regulation, it relinquishes, okay? That means letting go. Concerns about what is not in your control. So when you have emotional dysregulation, you are trying to control what's not in your control. That's emotional regulation on a way simple scale. And having, I mean, emotional dysregulation, having emotional regulation is going, this sucks, but I'm not in control of it, so I gotta let it go. Not making your emotion or allowing, allowing your emotion to dictate how your life is gonna be, not allowing your emotion to control a relationship because we do that, right? If we're afraid of rejection or abandonment or fears and attachments and holding on to these things, you're going to be in dysregulation 'cause these are out of your control. So when you have emotional regulation, it's understanding that people's actions, words, all of these things do not have to have the emotional effect on you. I'm not saying that you can't be sad. I'm not saying that you can't be upset. Yes, that is part of being a human being with emotions, but do not allow that to take you over. Don't allow that to take you over, right? Because that's where your ego comes into play. And it's also, you need it for improved relationships. That's correct. Because stoicism itself, it's gonna encourage you, right? So stoicism, think of it as you're one of your good friends and they're kind of like hanging out. And it helps you understand that anger and judgment, there's no place for it. Now, this is where I said I'm gonna tell you, I don't judge people. And I know people have such a hard time believing that everybody doesn't judge. I do not judge, I observe. Two different things. I do not judge, I observe. Is this serving me? Is this gonna move the needle for me? Is this promoting the things that I want it to promote on who I wanna be as a person? Is it not? Is it alignment with what I believe in? Is it something that I wanna surround myself with? If the answer to those things are no, then no. But I'm not gonna judge it. I'm going to observe it and say, how does this affect me? I'm not gonna judge you as a person. I'm not gonna judge you the situation. I'm just gonna say if it doesn't align with me, why not just gonna deal with it? That's it. I'll need to understand it. I don't need to change it. I'm gonna observe it. So you come into, it becomes a problem when you're judging it based on what you would do, what you would want. Okay, now that goes into the whole thing. First is saying, I would love a relationship with my mom, but this relationship with my mom has not and may never be the way I want it to be. And it may be a little problematic or toxic to me. Are you willing to distance? 'Cause if you're not willing to distance, now that comes back on you. Just because it's apparent, just because it's something doesn't mean that you're obligated to have a relationship with this person or people. But you're gonna have to be okay with that. That goes into the attachment. And that's the freedom from attachment. It goes into the next one. You have to have stoicism at all times if you are going to detach. I have a podcast on the art of living detached. You can live connected, but not attached. Attachment is to say that my validation, my life, my happiness is attached to something. So think of it as like a barnacle on a boat, right? So it attaches itself. Well, you got a detach from it, except that things and people, everything are temporary. So when you're in that place, you're recognizing the impermanence of it all. I mean, that's what you're doing, right? 'Cause all things themselves are not permanent. So when you can get married to the fact that you can't control those things, especially yourself, I mean, you're gonna end at some point, right? And you can't control that. You might be able to maneuver it a little bit. You might be able to maybe prolong it. That's all you can do. So when you're a attached to a person and you feel that you need them to validate you, this is a great place to start. What is it that you're resisting of being enough for you? Well, maybe you never knew how to do that. Valid, maybe you didn't, maybe you knew glue. Maybe you had such a shitty childhood that you just attach yourself to anything that looks good. Okay, don't beat yourself up for me, but realize that that's not real and it puts an entirely too much amount of pressure on another human being. You put them on this pedestal to be the savior of your peace. And then when they become human and they fall off said pedestal, now your expectations are broken. Stop having expectations that other people are supposed to fulfill you 'cause they are not. They could be the icing on the cake. They can make it look pretty, but I promise you you can eat cake without icing and sometimes it's even better. And stoicism also helps you live with purpose. You ever say, "What's my purpose in life?" Well, stop trying to figure it out. Stop trying to control it and think it's gonna make you just happy from the rip. But what it does is it's making decisions based on your values versus instant gratification, right? In order to have a purpose means that you have to have the ability and the agility to pivot and it is allowing you to make decisions based on what those core values are. So it might not be instant gratification. You might not get that relationship. You might not get that job. You might not have that, but you're not defined from it. So you have to ask yourself, is stoicism something that you wanna move forward to? Because that is a massive, massive part of living a peaceful life. And I can tell you, listen, like 90% of the time I live it and the times that I kind of fall off a little bit, I allow that to happen and be like, "Huh, "why did I fall off?" Oh, I was trying to control that. You observe it. You start watching and being like, "Ooh, course correct." You always wanna course correct without judgment. Ooh, I got off path there. Oh, let me just course correct. Ah, it happens, I'm a human, right? There's no such thing as perfection. You're always gonna be imperfect, but that's stoicism. And if you know that that's where you're working towards, it's going to help you not feel so hopeless. Because you're so in control of many things, but what you're not, you're not, okay, you're not. You're not in control of somebody loves you, wants to be with you. You're gonna have to take that L and you're gonna have to accept it. Because not accepting it doesn't change it. It actually makes your life harder. You're in control of not following somebody's socials. You're in control of not searching and seeing what they're doing. Yeah, you are. If you feel like you're not, then that's where you have to focus. Why do I feel the need to be in control? What is my ego saying? What is my insecurity saying? Why do I wanna see if they're doing this with somebody else? Why is that important? And then that's where you're able to focus. Because if you know that you can potentially get to a place of stoicism, you have something that you're working towards. So there's a goal versus I just wanna feel better. I just wanna feel better is not it, right? You're always gonna go in and out of emotion. It's understanding that you can only control what's in your control and then focus deeper on that and say, how can I control this for myself? And that's where you adopt that it is what it is. It is a beautiful place to live. You will be non-reactive. You'll be responsive. You'll have boundaries. But you're not gonna react out of them. You're not gonna feel the need to feel like you're free falling from a plane without a parachute. And sometimes you gotta do that anyway. Sometimes you gotta do that to realize that you do have a parachute. 'Cause sometimes you go, I don't know if I have a parachute. Well, let's jump and find out. I mean, at that point, what are you gonna do? It's either gonna go or it's not. But stop avoiding things. Stop avoiding feelings. Stop avoiding conversations. Stop avoiding the conflict. We know why it's there. But stop avoiding the conflict. Why are you so attached to what that outcome's gonna be? And that's what you focus on. And that's why you wanna go back to the fear of rejection and stuff. But baby, that's it. That's stoicism. (upbeat music) (upbeat music) (upbeat music) (upbeat music)
