We Are Douchebags
CJ is sicky ;(
No, I'm not a big fan of the government I'm not a big fan of the government I'm 30 on 30 on 30 on 30 no I'm not a big fan of the government. I'm 30 on 30 on 30. No, I'm not a big fan of the government. I'm 30 on 30 on 30 Welcome back to we are douchebags the show where we are douchebags. I'm your host CJ squilliam my gender pronouns are they them and I identify as race gender and horribly sick fluid Hello, my name is Pave as in pavement my gender pronouns are concrete cuz I'm rock hard and I fuck with the Down syndrome I'm Andre my pronouns are that nigga and identify as five cheese garlic bread Five cheese so like the the garlic bread has five cheeses on it. Yeah Did you have garlic bread before we started or it was just something that's on your mind Some that's on my mom Before we get into anything, I bet you're wondering why there's a week-long gap in between episodes or two weeks I suppose Yeah, I am not wondering actually you're not wondering I am wondering actually oh Well, I wonder why also do you mind explaining yourself Pave? Well what I recall is giving CJ a day's notice and letting him know to get someone else to fill in for me And then just to send me their audios, and then I would work on them Which was what I would dice said then come to find out these fucks didn't record at all so somehow it's my fault Yeah, well, what was your what was your excuse for missing the show though? Call an Oscar P appointment. I don't want to talk about it on the show No, no, you have to talk about it. Okay, because now this is permanently part of the lore Bro, I couldn't help it. Okay. It was an appointment. I couldn't fucking miss it I told you a day in advance that I need this appointment. I need to get cleaned out But now do you know how hard it is to get people to come on? We are dish bags of day in advance You know how hard it is to reschedule a fucking appointment schedule. Okay. Why did you why did you not schedule it for Thursday? Literally, there's seven days of the week. Okay, we'll say that you you can't schedule anything for the weekends because most doctor's offices are closed on the weekends Yeah, that gives you four other days that you could have done it at any other time during the day and you you had to put it 6 p.m. Pacific standard time. Listen, I don't know if the fucking doctor I was with was against us He was a Jew by the way. Hey, that was the only day I could get for my colonoscopy So you're gonna stay here and then come like yeah me about it It's not my fault. You couldn't get someone else on the show. You couldn't get all you couldn't go to a different doctor No, I couldn't not why I'm I call it Oscar be doctor is a black dude That must be nice Yeah, and he lets me schedule whatever I want Well, you know what maybe I should switch doctors, but I can't really when I'm not living in the same place as you You know, you come out here if you want some. I'll just schedule them for you. Yeah, I should You know what man, maybe you're right. Maybe I should stop seeing that you Yeah, what were you gonna say Andre? I don't even remember. Oh Excellent input Andre. Yeah, I think nothing less around here must have not been that important all right, bro, so I Would just like to issue an apology. Did you have wait babe? Did you ever send me the episode back? I don't think I did No, I forgot to be honest. Okay, so now there's a three-week gap between episodes Oh shit. Well, I mean people that saw it saw it. So boy out for a few days. We gave them enough time It is that one's more so my fault because apparently Threatening the US military is not a good idea. Oh, you think Apparently if you threaten the US military they take that shit pretty seriously and you can get in trouble for that What a bunch of fucking snowflake But okay, I want to do it again I'm so close to doing it again Listen, I don't know how they got my phone number. They just called me saying take it down and then like that was it That's all I got and then Here's the thing They know what the fuck they're doing because they were up at 11 p.m. Flying their jets in the morning again dude again What do they want me to say they want me to be happy? Oh Thank you so much my tax dollars for not letting me sleep even though you could fly at literally any other point during the day When there's still some out. Thank you so much. I don't think that would at all like give you a reason to shoot them down though Allegedly Minecraft yeah in Minecraft. We have to say that now. No, you know what fuck them Fuck them fuck the troops for not letting me sleep and for interrupting when we record yeah, they oh God damn it. I want to say some shit so bad, but I don't want it. Oh I'm I'm shaking my fist right now at those big old jets in the sky Do you want access to anti-aircraft artillery? if I could get that I If I could get that like in-game specifically that would make me very happy I Got a plug in Pakistan Damn You're deep with it, huh? yeah, you need your own form of Transportation we I think what I'm gonna do next time is allegedly I'm going to As a joke This is a joke. I wouldn't actually do this cuz doing this would actually be illegal So I wouldn't want to do it anyways cuz I don't want to get in trouble I think I'd probably buy like a really really strong laser From Amazon or a giant flashlight, you know those like flashlights where you turn it on it basically creates the Sun Yeah Like I would buy one of those or a laser and I would just point it at the airplanes. I think that'd be really funny. Oh You did yeah the thousand luminant with the yeah, give me your money Yeah, you should as a joke mail it over to me Yeah, sure you'll just have to pay for shipping though allegedly Yeah, I'm okay with that. We'll be using now. Yes allegedly. That would be a really funny joke And then we're gonna send it to a decoy house allegedly We'll send it five blocks down, but I'll be there when they drop it off so I could like steal it Allegedly, I would just take that laser and point it at furries eyes furries, yeah, I probably just I'm chasing it God damn it babe. I smash them in the head with a Put it right at your feet and put the dot right at your feet and then curb stop them do holy shit acting follow that All right, so what do we hate this week you guys go first I'll go first Yeah, since Andre's gonna take forever to come up with something, but I hate People with like the downs downs downs like really the downies man. I had an incident Self-hatred is not healthy I there's this new McDonald's that just opened up and Like sometimes when I wake up early before I go to the gym I like to get a McMuffin, you know like mother good. They're nice little small snack. Yeah, and then it's the this fucking Downkid he's Asian too. So it doesn't help him at all He's like look like he's so awkward to talk to he'll drool sometimes He has an underbite big ass underbite and like you're not a hero for roasting an actual person with down syndrome You know that right I do you're just kind of a dickhead I Wait, wait, wait, okay He's messed up my order at least four times every time No, what is he Spongebob is only him in the kitchen How how did he's fucking up four times how do you specifically make your order four time? Why are you going when he's still there bro? I don't expect him there like it's always random parts of the day He's not whipping up your meal every time you come by I come by I think it's some other people and they just don't give a fuck and they fuck up your order cuz they think it would Be funny to pin it on him. You think so Yeah, but continue to start your story dickhead. What happened this time? Oh This motherfucker gave my food to someone else Yeah, I had to go through I literally looked at him and he's like what he went here or here I Was like like I think it was what you just gave them and I showed him I was he was like oh my god Yeah, okay And then I'll be right back and then fucking I had to wait 15 more minutes for my food to come out and I got it Thank you, you order two sausage McMuffin said to not take you 15 There's a big-ass fucking line, dude. What do you think I was waiting in the fucking parking lot in the first place? They gave your food to someone else. Yes, and they put you in the back of the line No, because this retard goes to the wrong car every fucking time dude It's not the first time every time like I have to win the parking lot They send this fucking kid out and he always goes to like three different cars before going to mine You just gotta be patient now. I think you just gotta go to a different McDonald's. That sounds like he like that's on you I don't blame that dude. That's how I'm showing up when he's scheduled No one's schedule. I think he works like what time in the day. What time of the day was it Okay, yeah So show up at No, I'm not probably not for a while. Yeah So show up at 7 p.m. Or something We'll get your breakfast. You said he's always there the thing is He's probably so exhausted cuz McDonald's has a history of Abusing disabled workers and scheduling them for overly long times So not only are you bullying him, but you're making his life worse because he's already a corporate wage slave What am I doing? I'm just talking bad about him. I'm not like I fucking I'm only talking bad about his own disabled guy who cannot defend himself You know what? I hope he beats your ass next time he sees you Down syndrome beating up a part two. It's gonna happen again Yeah, I hope it happens again Cuz you're a dickhead and you deserve it. Oh man get her done get her done Okay, it wouldn't be this charge squillium if he was Jewish Yeah, honestly if he was a Jewish kid with Down syndrome Yeah, it was a Jewish kid with Down syndrome. I might like support you in your endeavor. Oh I'm sorry. You can't be with your fucking beliefs. I'm sorry. Oh You said he was Asian so he knows kung fu he'll definitely He's just like elementary all over again that like what? I Don't think what if what if he didn't have Down syndrome and he's just Asian. He's just a fat Asian kid Dude, well then if he's not if he doesn't have Down syndrome, then just fuck him in general. That's it Okay, if he doesn't have Down syndrome, then yeah, I'll defend you pay but you're pulling a Down syndrome kid right now Which is pretty fucked up. Hey, man. I don't care I like You make fun of me all the time you use you cook you call it a big thing come on that gave me chills What gave you chills what paved you said? I was so bad ass React to that He said don't worry, but oh my god. He's not Hey first of all If you made fun of me that would be punching down because I'm shorter than you but I make fun of you so I only punch up Fucking shit, you're right Exactly It's not my fault like you were genetically nerfed So that's my abs bro. Okay Andre What do you hate this week? Products of incest You know that's a product of incest. I See quite a few man bro, Indiana is ridiculous. Oh my god Who have you been talking to this? Okay? What like people at your job? Yeah, and in public in general. I've seen a couple public sightings of incest creature How do you know they're incest creatures? The way they look with their parents They just look like they broke created with their like cousin or something man, so they're killing they're making noises No, there's some like 30 or I've seen a 30 year old one or like 40 You look pretty old they they're drooling and Yeah, I'm like they walk weird You could tell cuz their parents always look clap and then they just look like disabled Did they do anything to you or you just hate seeing them? No, it just kind of creeps me out What about it? I mean, yeah, I guess it's it is pretty creepy if I if I came across a product of incest I think I'd be a little bit freaked out to ever do let the fuck I don't think I've ever seen a product of incest or maybe I have didn't like Realize because they look like they have down syndrome sometimes, so maybe I just like Thought of it as having down syndrome you and dancing bro We get a lot be put down you bring it back to go ahead and get all your your fucking hatred out right now, okay? well You may lose my train of thought I can't my train of hate Whatever it was okay, whatever it was wait, can you remind me again? I Think you have down You were talking about how you don't know if you've seen products of oh, yeah Like people who look like they have down, but you just thought they had downs. Yeah, probably that that's it That's all you were gonna say yeah Then I forgot I hate you fucking piece of garbage god damn ah Is that ain't all drink is that all you hate yeah, I'm doing pretty much okay, what do I hate This week I hate being sick Piv yeah, yeah looks man Remember what I made fun of you for being a pussy for being sick. Yeah, I Stand by that fuck you I'm rolling right through this shit. You didn't sound like it earlier I mean sounded like no, I'm not a big fan of the government. I'm 30. I'm 30. I think you sounded like you know I'm not a big or something You sound like I sound like what you need it like a respirator or something like you were dying You look over at me, and then you were like I need ketamine That's just me in general I always need ket, but I I was going to the gym. I spread my aids over there, too I sneezed on all the equipment so that I could strengthen the immune system of the people there I'm sure they're glad that you did that and I worked too. I didn't take no days off because I'm not a pussy What else did I do I? Cooked all by myself, but I got germs all over you too. I hate being sick just because it's like a nuisance like I hate waking up with the headache and a stuffy nose that I have right now and The other thing I hate to is the government which is why we opened up saying no, I'm not a big fan of the government I'm 30. I'm 30. I'm 30 and Because the stupid government made us take down that last video or the podcast yeah Fuck those things, huh? Not cool government. Do better. Yeah, fuck you guys. That's why I commit tax fraud Did you do it this year? Not yet probably soon though. Hmm. Yeah until April. You gotta get on that. Oh Shit, you're right. I only have a month's commit tax fraud. Yeah, I mean I could spice it up and commit tax evasion this year Mmm Think you'd have a better chance doing tax fraud Okay, yeah, that makes sense. I'll just put on a bunch of like numbers bullshit deductions that I didn't actually do Yeah, I actually like earned three thousand dollars in tax money this year even though I didn't work That's crazy. Hey, I'm gonna blow my nose. You guys talk So well anyways as I was saying, you know tax fraud I think people should like should take advantage of the government, you know, why not? They've been downplaying us all this like time is like ever since we've been here basically I Agree ever since I spawned I've been upon why not the shit country. Why not fuck them over a little bit Hey, this might be the only W. You've ever taken I've done a couple literally The only W stance you've ever taken in your life Thank you. Well that being said also. Thank you. I can't wait for Hey, get her done get her done this podcast and Street speak both endorse Joe Biden for 2024 Joe Biden to prove this message Right Audrey. Well Joe Biden. You don't support Joe Biden He's old man. So what? He sees your candidate. Who's your candidate the orange racist man skippity toilet. That's not a candidate Yeah, he is Okay, man, whatever two out of three members on both podcast support Joe Biden. So we stand by it. Oh God get to learning you're not black unless you vote for Joe Biden. Oh That's true. Fuck. I love it. That's my king. That's my president No, so my whole thing this year is that I'm gonna vote for Biden cuz I want him to be the first president To get a by dillian votes by killion So many dead people are gonna vote for him. They're gonna have to invent a new number and it's gonna be a by dillian votes I was like a lot of number Yeah I remember when I was in like first grade I Like had this big ass dictionary that had a bunch of random information in it And it had like a list of all the numbers like all the aliens at the end of it And I thought it was so smart because I would be like yeah, this I'm I have a centillion IQ Quintillion that was all these aliens like I knew way more than everybody else because of that little dictionary I had Dude, you thought you were so high and mighty. Yeah, but were you fastest and PE? Oh, no, I never was. However, I Am now ripped so I made up for it That's true. I wonder like how many Elementary kids you can like fight How many elementary kids I could beat up? Yeah, I mean, they're probably the same size as me So maybe they'd stand a chance. Yeah, honestly, I forgot to take in the height thing Yeah, they have a reach advantage. Yeah, three, but like one at a time What I think they got be tired out by the third one. Yeah, I Think they'd like get you pretty well Like the fourth one would kick my ass or like the fourth one would finish the job. Okay, I Could see that. I think Yeah, these elementary school kids are getting pretty big these days. Yeah with all the prime. They've been drinking All the prime Logan Paul's been feeding the straight steroids dude. Honestly. Look at him Ain't no way. He's naddy. I've been okay. So speaking of Logan Paul This week. I've been on a WWE kick. I really regret not having watched it as a kid Cuz I think that shit is so awesome. Are you really? I'm a 23 year old man. Just barely getting into WWE and I think it's a fucking funny shit in the world I think it's so awesome. It's about fucking time Jesus dude The the Rey Mysterio storyline with his son is insane Dude, you should you should have seen it like back then His son was in the WWE, but there is like a fucking custody battle with him in some Literally watch that with my sister's last night. That shit was so funny Finding it a ladder match for custody of their kid That is that is the hardest thing I've ever heard in my life and then 20 years later His son hates him and they battle against each other. I was I was on the edge of my seat the entire time There's the only say that cuz you can kind of relate to him on wanting to fight your dad or something That's true. I mean I related to it. I was like, is this what happened if I fought my dad? What about the goth babe? That's like with him all the time. That bitch is I've been getting a lot of pictures of her in my Instagram feed not because I like her Because I'm looking at all the WWE shit now. She is highly overrated. She is a goth muscle mommy But she's not super hot. She's all right. I guess I mean She has a little bit of a butter face But I think her body and her like a ability to lift up anyone over 200 pounds speaks for itself I'm fucking Have you seen her? You think she's hot Rhea Ripley Not hot, but You hit it's not bad looking. Yeah, got some nice proportions. I think that Yeah from certain angles. She used to be hotter when she was younger I saw videos like showcasing her career And then before she was honestly like pretty before she took on the whole goth Dummy mommy personality But now it's like no, not my thing. So you Jay, would you ever become a wrestler? Fuck yeah after seeing that that would be so awesome I want to be like persona B. I want to be the new Mysterio The new Mysterio Yeah, no, okay. What would my persona be? Fuck. Yeah, I don't honestly. I don't even know That's a good-ass question. What would my persona be you should have one just be like a racist person. That's all like MAGA and shit That would be awesome like a racist dude. Yeah, like I could be a I would be an amazing heel They've had that but it didn't do too well because Donald Trump wasn't like I'm pretty sure if they tried that angle like now with Donald Trump like about to go for reelection I feel like that would sell so much No, I don't know you guys need to help me make my my WWE persona. What do you guys think I would I was thinking like a mad scientist I don't know dude. What? How would you even go about that? Yeah, I'm like I'm like what how does that core like to anything I? Would be like a mad scientist who takes a bunch of steroids and is trying to like I Don't know like you sell my steroids to fucking Vince McMahon like fucking Bane. Oh That that's what I would be I would be like the anti-mysterio. I would be like literally Bane. Yeah, bro or like I Like my pair I killed my parents because I had one rage That's your story. Yeah Well, I was gonna say for the racist angle. You should have um had like a Rey Mysterio mask on but it's like a confederate flag colors Just has the pattern I don't think that even get on TV now. I'll be honest Well, what it be on your what would my WWE persona be then? Mmm, I Feel like you should be kind of like edge like the the pretty boy the rated Yeah, but like your agile and like mmm your basic like Rey Mysterio flying around everywhere No, that would be Jeff Hardy. I'll be like Rey Mysterio - no, I think I think I could pull off like a pretty boy angle Oh John Morrison John Morrison. Yeah, do you know who that is Andre? No, oh my god. Just look him up. Look up his theme song. That's like literally you That's literally me. Yeah, like let me let me look it up Okay, I see this guy. He's got glasses and he looks like a badass. I think that is me He's got shredded abs Here we go Watch this Oh my god You can schmoo me You guys why? Yeah, I think that's me. I could do that Yeah, he was recently in a boxing match a youtuber boxing match who will see fighting Do you know that fucking epic meal time do they want the big beer big guy? Yeah, yeah, he fucking knocked him out. Oh Shit John Morrison don't play around god. Oh fuck. I would hope so But anyways Okay, I think we've spent enough time lolly gagging What did we what do we talk about last episode we talked about racial slurs the best racial slurs as a matter of fact and what one I Don't want to say it Andre Did you know the only time we ever need there? There we go Yeah, the the Edward's one of the given dramatic calls said it like it was a fuck. Oh, okay So, oh shit, I forgot to hide the mystery category Brown Okay so this week because You're beloved Handsome muscular Sexy intelligent hilarious Wonderful incredibly nice Handsome good-looking Host has gotten a horrible illness this week. We're gonna be ranking horrible illnesses So from the least horrible to the most horrible we have Skirvy diabetes explosive diarrhea alcoholism Autism, Riven Oligo Homosexuality aids the common cold/flue and cancer And up at the top the attributes we have for the week are speech intellect reading wits bio weapon bloodline Negatry penis size survivability cure Twitter support sad movie scene Comedy PTO and WAD experience. Okay, we are dish value experience do we have any questions about any of the categories for the week Can you explain to me Riven Oligo, please? That's the horrible disease that uncle ruckus has where it slowly and horribly turns you Into a darker skinned individual over many many years That's honestly really scary imagine like your entire life being white and like pure And then like one day you wake up you look at your hands It's like just black spots and it just starts growing and growing and you can't do anything to stop it Yeah, that's the same thing about normal little LIGO Why you you're a nice beautiful validated man, and then you turn into a disgusting white creature Disgusting pale individual Looks like in the mirror Okay, very strong words there on here. Yeah, Jesus my fault my fault Out of some class to use yeah, it's okay. Do any other questions for the categories? What is PTO me oh? Paid time off That's how like that's how likely you are to get paid time off for that illness You should know that Andre you have a job Well, I didn't know if it like meant something else. What could it have meant? They got I don't know penis trouble Oregano I don't know it could have meant literally anything All right, whatever you want to say penile trauma penile traumatic origami I have to make it a medical term penile traumatic osmosis beautiful Okay any other questions Nope, that's it you guys know what scurvy is yeah Okay, cool because I just put it on there because I remember that song from Spongebob with pink where she That one they're like we need a lemon tree or whatever so That's why I put that there That's gurvy songs annoying as fuck it. It was really annoying. I Hated it and her dyke ass like really weirded me out as a kid There was this music video that came out with her recently and I saw it at the gym probably last year And it was the worst thing I've ever seen because it's just so cringy. She's dressed like a fucking like like a teenager and She's like a 60-year-old woman so really like I Don't know weird me out and there's this one part of the music video where she like gets on the floor and like throws a tantrum Like what what the fuck so gross, you know what that reminds me of when you say dress like a tea Have you ever seen okay Hannah Montana the show? Yes, what was that kids the guy's name he played a fucking teenager, but oh Like actually like 30 years old. Yes. Yeah, the thing is I completely bought that he was a teenager though He just has a youthful face. Are you talking about to do that pleasure brother? Yeah, yeah He wasn't another she wasn't kicking it after that yeah How does he look younger and kicking it than he did in fucking Hannah Montana? That's what I want to figure out Oh, his his age caught off to him. He's 46 now. Oh my god He's five five. He's shorter than me poor guy that dude was in fucking teenager magazines in the front cover for some reason. Oh my gosh Dude, what's this guy doing now? I wonder what his net worth is Superbuddies fail of the future Oh Moises Arias that guy is that guy is a Fiend he's only five one. Oh my god. I would have killed myself Isn't that the dude that played Rico? Yeah, oh Was it Rico or the The other dude no, it was Rico. It was Rico. Okay Remember Mitchell moose. Oh, yeah, that's who I was that's who I was thinking of just now. He's kind of a stud Not if he kept the same haircut No, no, no right now. He looks like a stud. Oh my god Hold on that haircut was why that was peep 2010 Okay, there's a munch and get it. Never mind. Do you think you're like forced to keep that haircut? Yay Yeah, I'd argue. Yeah, probably he's on Spotify now. What is this guy doing? Okay, anyways, so Yeah, we're saying this more towards like the end of the episode, but the other day I was on the art. I like our website and looking at like the statistics and shit One of our most dedicated fans is in Sweden What? Yeah, we have 30 downloads from Sweden. So that means they've listened to every episode So whoever you are, I want to like shout you out because that's like Listen to every episode Bro, I want to get you on the show reach out to us on Instagram or on Twitter wherever I want you on the show And I want to talk to you What yeah down syndrome? Oh If he does like I take about everything I've ever said just just for you to be on you can't tell you about you can't No, yeah, don't be a pussy. Don't be a bitch. I hope he has down syndrome Because then maybe you'll feel bad You know what maybe Maybe I'll feel bad. Maybe I'll laugh. I don't know. We're gonna have to have him on the show and find out Yeah, one way to find out. Yeah, hit us up on Instagram Please or somewhere dude. I need to get you on. All right. I don't care how we do it I want to talk to you. I want to hear your silly little accent Yeah, he's in Japan. Yeah, it would show in Japan. He's just using a VPN to look like he's in Sweden What if the guy would just had a VPN? That's down away. Oh, she's like he's from Sweden We have a play in Japan. What if that's him? Oh? My god Yeah, I'd be pewdiepie. It has to be pewdiepie. Who else would it be? Pewdiepie if you have listened to our show You need to put a hidden message in your next video So we so that we know Say something like just literally say CJ squillium because it's like vague enough where people think it's just a funny name You made up, but then I will know be like man This CJ squillium is a funny little guy and like point out your dogs or something But I'll know a Little bit of a reach there, but yeah, make make CJ's day. So make a wish kit, please No, it's not I just need to know if Pewdiepie watches our videos or our podcast How do we cool? Okay? We yeah, it is cool, but we need to get it to the numbers now. Okay. Yeah Jeez we're like 40 minutes in Jesus Why is the wits for reviving a Lego at 7? so I feel like They used to be white so they used to be like witty and smart, but As they slowly turned black like their wits go down, but I think they The only person I've ever seen that has rivet a LIGO is uncle ruckus and he's still pretty witty after being Chris was such a horrible disease You know I was going to say Why's the tree at rivet a LIGO at a negative negative six? What is that? Negative tree for rivet a LIGO That was a misprint. Hey, how the fuck there's 20, okay, and it's mash I mean I could put it down to 19 because they weren't always that way, but it slowly happened There's an argument to be made that it could be lower. I don't know. What do you guys think? I think it's perfectly hands Cuz no matter what I agree 19 Nice bitch I was hoping you're gonna say it You're just I'm saying you don't have rivet a LIGO for your grayskin You were just born that way Andre. Yeah, it's okay, man. I wasn't How were you I transformed into this what do you were you born with a rivet a LIGO? No, cuz you've been black as long as I've known you Then what happened He's gone. I don't think we don't have enough time to get into this the long story now. I want to hear it You need to work on your improv man Yeah, you're very slow No Hey, did you you took theater with me, right? Yeah? So you and me you and me both have good improv skills. Yeah, we do like he so he's gonna take these four Yeah, but look who's a better actor now really tired. Yeah, bag it look who does better on the spot Look who does better on the spot Because we did good improv practice Andre you'd be the type to throw up during a play Get you shaking on stage stuttering all the lights on you That never had the turn the lights off Turn them on on someone else because you were so so embarrassed you got you by the long brew handle broke, I'm on I Would have done tomatoes at you Oh Okay Jesus man Sighs most of diarrhea on here. Is that an illness? Yeah, I'm pretty sure it's like the number one cause of death world wide I Think the For that I think and survivability should go down Should go down for explosive diarrhea. Yeah, I mean I survive it So so you're talking about explosive where they blow up. No, oh That's true, so they explode as they have diarrhea. Yeah It's in the name It's in the name What do you think you should go down to? They should go down to like maybe a two probably be like a like paralyzed for their entire life after getting or exploding, but Their main section just explodes. Yeah Yeah, that doesn't sound very survival or no, they're just their ass. So they're left like hold up Like that episode of SpongeBob where there's yes, you're not a giant piece of his ass ripped out That's what it feels like sometimes fuck why would you tell me like this now I'm freaking out For those wondering he sent the picture of the dude with the giant chunk of his ass Have you guys seen those fish who actually have like a giant chunk of their body missing because it got beat like got eaten Around like no, it's not one that was like bitten by a seal Yeah, that's insane to me dude imagine walking around with just a giant chunk taken out of your abdomen Take that like a champ or imagine getting eaten by a bear and getting like peeled alive like in that one video Even by a bear and getting peeled alive you've never seen that bear where he grabbed the fish and he just started peeling it Well, I was still oh, yeah, I've seen that shit Nature is fucking scary, bro Yeah, and vegans have like the damn to like tell us we can't kill these animals that have like more than enough strength to kill us Exactly, you guys think you could take like a cow in a fight a cow. Yeah, do I have like weapons? No, just your bare hands. Oh my god. Give me like only not man. I Think I could take a cow Just punch it in the face As it's running right at you You just got a four-year-old trample you saying punch up Like do a little like a roll like a side roll you'll be good Okay, or you just stand firmly in place and then as it's coming you just swing as hard as you that'll knock its ass out Or you just jump perfectly so like you just go over you like a cool flip as you're doing it. Oh Yeah, something like that. Yeah The US military doesn't want you to know the combat effectiveness of backflips during fights You know, I don't think I've ever seen anyone like pull off a black back flip during a fight actually no one time in the UFC But he ended up losing so I'm pretty sure there's one video to do like what do you say bro? That guy is so funny Michael Poreira Yeah, that dude is so fucking funny Have you seen him fight schooling? No, I've never seen him fight Let's see. Okay. We're watching a highlight reel after this. Yeah, okay We'll make some funny though. You'll see you just does random flips and fights Feel like jump off the walls and like lung at you Okay, that sounds like a video game sounds like some shit I would do See if I was a fighter, I would do retarded shit like that all the time. Oh God, I get very entertaining Like I was with I was talking with Arthur one time and I told him that I was gonna become like a professional fighter He was like, okay, buddy And I was like what you don't think you don't think I'd be a good fighter And he said I think you'd be an entertaining Personality, so he basically told me I'd get my ass beat, but I'd be fun That's a crazy way to put You'd be an entertainer Yeah, he said I would be a very entertaining person. He literally didn't even answer the question of if I would be a good fighter He just yeah, you'd be an entertaining personality The thing is the thing is I can't even say he's wrong. I feel the exact same way Should like tell him as entertaining as the PHP program. He was a part of a shot That's my first time I bring it up dude, fuck you Get their leader on the show We need to get their leader on the show. Well Victor That is damn. Yeah, we need Victor on the show Yeah, we need to have him talk and like say we're like a really professional podcast that talk about money Have him on and just like talk like just basically bring down as like organization and talk shit about it Oh, you know what? I think we could actually do that if if I made a fake email like what's a popular like? I'm gonna look up top financial podcast top financial podcast. I think we can get in trouble for impersonating, but go ahead like okay Let's say the Clark Howard podcast, right? This is some random podcast. I found right now Yeah, I could just make a Clark Howard at gmail.com Hit him up and be like hey I would like to have you on my show where we discuss finances or whatever. Yeah, I just I Feel like that would actually be easy. I feel like there's a lot of people we could trick by doing show like that You think we do you think we'd get sued or you think they'd like not give a fuck as long as not a it's not a real company I don't know to be honest, but um if you were to like use an already existing like IP or business then yeah, you can probably get sued But if they don't do their research and find out that it's like Not a real thing that I don't do it and so what but if they do do what I mean this is their fault It's how they trick people like fucking Those guys are fucking douche bags, bro They have such big egos It would be so easy to get that one of them on the show because they just want to spread their shitty fucking pyramid schemes Yeah, and hopefully try and get more money And it's not like they're gonna verify if we have an email that says Clark Howard podcast at gmail.com. They're not gonna vet that They're not gonna know they're gonna be like oh this huge podcast wants me on I'm gonna go The little do they know it's us with four monthly listeners because we went back down from five Sorry what Nothing, man. Yeah, nothing right. I'm sorry. No, you're good. Sorry. I kind of Left my mind for like a second and I've like literally don't even know what you said I was just talking about how we could scan people into coming onto the show. You know, oh, we're gonna have a guest in like two weeks I think to who? Some chick from a hoop from the who's right discord really, but she's she's like their their e-girl. Yeah, she's their e-girl Basically what's it the third of the thirtieth? I don't remember when I made the uh the appointment. How the fuck did you get her? She's not really their e-girl. She's just been on the show like twice. Okay, but still how did you get her? I? Just texted her that's it damn. Yeah, she didn't know research whatsoever I added her on discord and she said hello. Who are you? I said I am CJ If we are douchebags global fame, you want to come on my show LOL and then she said I thought it was we are assholes I said we're the woke reboot aka the better version Okay, yeah, so she said the 29th. Yeah, we're having a guess on 29th. Okay on the 29th Yeah, it's so funny. You're like, how did you get her like she's some huge get it's literally just a person on their Discord I'm like legit like how the fuck did you manage to like get someone at all? I don't know I reached out to the fucking other we are assholes guy on Twitter And he hasn't reached he hasn't gone back to me yet, but I'm trying to get him who Andrew. Yeah, Andrew Can you guys those spam him? Both of us, maybe we can try sure. Yeah, just Just tell him a gone We are douchebags Yeah, but anyway, yeah, okay, so What else we got? Um, I wanted to go to cancer. Why the fuck is the intellect so low for cancer because if you get cancer, you're a retard I don't think like look, I don't think anyone has like a choice dude. Well some some do like lung cancer, but You're gonna dog on me. They just cuz they got cancer. Fuck them Yeah, like what the fuck what are you doing like inhaling asbestos like Putting your phone next to like plutonium or some shit giving yourself radiation poisoning How the fuck did you do that to yourself? How the fuck are you so retarded you get kid? No, I hope I don't get honestly cancer is one of the things that scares me most I got a lot of fucking cancer bro, but I'm probably gonna get like stomach cancer because I eat like shit Yeah, and your shit like shit. I do so God that's why I'm dogging on it right now. That's so it knows it knows that I'm not scared of it It's fair even though I just said I was but Yeah, so I think that's a good place three for intellect cuz cancer patient retards are retarded. All right, and why are the wits so high then? Because there was probably a lot of people who were born like cancers who were smart before or like who are smart Like the like the astrology son Yeah, like there's probably some some geniuses in there We thought about it like that. Yeah, why's the Twitter support only out of five? Cuz nobody really talks about cancer anymore. Yeah, they're mostly talking about Palestine Yeah, and If you go on like any social media, and you see like a picture of a sick kid. It's like oil up. I'm gonna be there in five So people don't really care anymore Bro Instagram comments are so at a place that they're so fucking wild for no reason. They're so funny now Dude, it's like insane. I was like, I don't know what happened over the past few months where where Instagram just became the most toxic place on earth I'm gonna touch you little nigga Get a job little nigga They just bully random kids on there, but honestly, they if you have your kid on Instagram, they kind of deserve to get bullied because Social media isn't for kids and then when they do like midgets and good job micro-sized My favorite is when it's a black dude doing something And it's like a white dude in the comments good job dark nigga We're like good job Or they start like a fucking gif or a gif chain With like the and the n I yeah, yeah, and then sometimes you'll get the rock like putting his hand up stopping it Only for them to start it again. Yeah Well You don't even got a dog whistle anymore You can just straight up be racist on Instagram. It works out with it. It's so funny Yeah, so that one muscley chick who listens to Lincoln Park, she never She never like dm'd me or anything. So that kind of like destroyed my life My house has to spam her you just have to find out where she works show up on it like unannounced Hey, and then pull it like show her you like her pictures of herself Yeah, that's like my ultimate riz my comment got 971 likes though So I'm a when it gets like a thousand. I'm gonna be like If you don't go out go out with me, I'm gonna like murder your entire fan not really I'm not gonna finish that You're just barely getting like a thousand likes on your comment What was that one thing you said? It's a rap no burrito Shut your autistic ass up. He fucking pussy It's a rap 5,000 people 5,000 people it can argue no burrito Finding that in the wild was Yeah, I was just looking at a random Instagram person I see you in the comments. Yeah, it's up comment. It's a rap no burrito I did it again recently I can just send it to you Yeah, did you say the same thing? No I'm sending it to you My god It's a rap no burrito fucking nerd face emoji, bro. God damn That shit bang though That's a bang and algorithm At 1,938 likes he has the top comment on this reel She pissing out of her eyes And it's a video of a girl crying yellow that is disgusting It's not even a clever comment at least the At least it's a rap no burrito was funny But legit, it looks like she's pissing out of her eyes. I just it did and a lot of people agreed I might just have to like brand branch off and do my own thing. I'm getting like banger numbers That's what you should do promote the show in your comments And then they find my fucking instagram. No, thank you actually actually I think send me both of those Never mind. I'm gonna respond to those on the on our Instagram account with like say like hey listen to our podcast Yeah, yeah, and like they're gonna start fucking figuring out that you're the only one that replies to me Yeah But at least it's more subtle I think you should just start doing that like at the bottom of like only fans grows like Instagram posts. Oh, I should Yeah, I've been slowly gaining clout in the In the who's right discord cuz I've been sending pictures of my buff muscley back. Yeah, so So I think soon I'm gonna start promoting the show in there good. That'd be awesome By the way, I have to go somewhere. Do you think we can um We can wrap this up. Are we gonna wrap it? No burrito Dude, it's so funny. How you just found that in the wild. Oh my god. I know you didn't even say anything to me. I Just sent it in the fucking group channel. I was like wow what a povoment I think I said rare paved W and then I said povoment But anyways, let's go ahead and do the mystery category and it'll take like two seconds cuz you have to leave the mystery category for this week is obesity a horrible illness Any any last changes that we have to make Why is it survivability at 20? Why is it penis size at 20? survivability for obesity Yeah, cuz if you're ever in a situation where you're starving to death they take way longer to starve to death and Penis size that's because have you ever heard that for every ten pounds you lose? That's like another inch out into your dick. So you must have massive hogs. Really? That's a myth. Oh It's a myth we could put that down there. Yeah negative 10 It's been debunked by myth bustery myth busters took that myth on Yeah, did they actually like measure themselves? Yeah, they both gained like 200 pounds The giant giant bulking month Wow, what a and then they just lost all the way it what a recorded results Contribution to science. Yes. No sacrifice Okay, anything else good things over there. Oh I like everything on here to be honest. Yeah, okay, we can go ahead and uh Hang on I'm gonna rig the numbers real quick Wait sad movie scene for obesity. What about the whale? That movie's funny as fuck Okay, yeah, when he died at the end that was pretty funny I've never seen it, but just a movie that's supposed to be sad about a fat person is a really hilarious like concept Okay, so the winner for this week for most horrible illness is The common cold slash the flu aka what I am currently suffering just to let you all know cancer was gonna win And then he's just started rigging the numbers Cancer can't win that's so cliche But it is really horrible. I mean Not according to this spreadsheet not as horrible as the common cold slash the flu. All right, I guess numbers don't like science Yeah Yeah, and notice how all of the other diseases are funny except For the common cold slash the flu. It's the only one that's not funny It's like it's comedy is it a negative 20 because it's super duper serious Okay, I guess you got me there. Yeah, whatever Wait what nothing nothing Ever got you Thank you guys for listening to this episode of we are douche bags if you're the sweetest guy Just don't text me up three. I mean you're like halfway across the world I guess so if it is three in the morning I guess I'll have to like deal with it, but just reach out to us. Yes, please do if my boy. Oceon What's up, man? Glad you found the podcast My Swedish friend Oceon from like 10 years ago I wouldn't doubt it Thank you guys for listening check out your shoes. Yes, please Show this to people you don't like bye-bye. Yeah share it. Bye Bye. Peace. Bye. (laughs)