Phone Taps
The Sick Deli Worker
There's only one feeling like knowing your banker personally, like growing up with a bank you can count on, like being sure what you've earned is safe, secure, and local. There's only one feeling like knowing you're supporting your community. You deserve more from a bank. You deserve an institution that stood strong for generations. Bank of Colorado. There's only one. Member FDIC. Don't answer the phone, Elvis Duran. The Elvis Duran phone tap. Hello, Garrett. Hey, phone tap. What do you have? All right, well, Valerie wants to phone tap our husband Shane. Now, Shane is a huge germaphobe, right? So, Valerie's gonna start the call to her husband, Shane, letting them know, hey, I'm gonna pick you up a sandwich from the deli. What do you want? And then it goes from there. A germaphobe? Yes. Eating a deli sandwich? This could be weird. Let's listen to the phone tap. Here we go. Hello? What's going on? How you doing? Oh, nothing. I have so many errands today. Listen, I was thinking about just grabbing you some lunch and just swinging it by the office. What do you think? What are you gonna get? Well, I'm at a little sub shop. I'm thinking I'm gonna get like a chicken parm. Just give me what you're getting. That sounds good. Are you there right now? Yeah, I need one second. How was that? Yeah, just two large chicken Parmesan. Yeah, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Oh, you guys get some water. No, it's allergies. Did that man work there? Yeah, I was taking the orders. He's coughing. Yeah. What can I get you? Do you want to problem the moment? Right? No, no, I'm sorry. No. Do not do not order anything from him. I don't want him coughing all over our food. What the hell are you doing? No, I just got a tickle. You probably just got sick. If you look so good. How can I help you, ma'am? What can I get you? Chicken Parmesan. No, no, I don't want I do not want to eat from that establishment. No. All right, I'll be right back to ring you up. No, I don't know if he's really going to be one making the food. It looks like you might be the person. I don't care any establishment that would allow someone as sick as that to come in. The condition cannot be sanitary in the least. I don't want to eat from there. I'm sorry. I don't want this. I don't want this. It's not all over my food. I'm sorry. No, I'm sure. No, babe. It's going to be fine. It's not going to be fine. It's coughing all over the ****. Excuse me, ma'am. Do you have a tissue? Mom and pop, please. Don't. If you don't have the idea how filthy that is. Oh, is he placing the order? I'm going to take a second. Hello? Excuse me, sir. What's your name? My name is George. Okay, George. Well, I'm just going to let you know that I'm going to be calling Human Health Services today and reporting you. This is ridiculous. What are you doing at work coughing the way you are? You sick? Sir, it's allergies. I don't care what it is. It's yours. I'm calling Human Health Services. Why would you like on your sub? I don't want to sub. Put my wife back on the phone. Why don't you want to sub now? Because you're nodding and slamming and coughing all over it. That's why. And I don't appreciate having other people's bodily fluids entering into mind. I have this sneeze guard right in front of me, so we're okay. Nothing's getting on there. I don't care if you're in an airtight room. You're not touching my food. You're not getting anywhere near my food. Put my wife back on the phone. It's all right. I'm using my other hand to blow my nose, so it's okay. What the fuck are you talking about? What are you talking about? You're using your other hand. You can see your weapon. Do you have cameras watching me? Because I'm not coughing on you. Dude. No, but you're coughing on the register. Someone's going to cut the leg. They're going to go back. They're going to cut the food and move the hander into my body. And I'm going to get whatever sick germs are running inside your system, man. I don't have time for that. You don't know what I go through, man. I'm pulling a double shift and, you know, just catching up to me. I don't care. I don't care. Put my wife on the phone. Put her back on the phone. What? Put her on the phone now. Okay. Okay. What are you doing? You're really embarrassing. I am disgusting. The guy is coughing and sneezing all over that place. Even if he's not cooking the food, it's going to be impossible for his germs not to get all over with him. I can hear you screaming through the phone. What is wrong with you? You've got to come. I don't want a snot calzone today, okay? It's not my idea of a satisfying meal. I wonder, sometimes, why don't you just keep a tube of Purell next to that when we have sex? Or maybe you weren't the last to close or something? Because you are just taking this way out of control. I'm here. The poor guy's having a coughing fit. You could be a little bit more understanding. You feel sorry for this guy? It's puking us snot all over our lunch. I don't know about you, but I don't want lunch anymore. I don't have an appetite. Well, I'm still gonna have that guy snot coming out of his face. Excuse me, ma'am. Can I just apologize? Can I apologize to him? I don't want to talk to him, Val. Excuse me, sir. I just wanted to say you've been phone tapped. What? Hello, hey. Shane, your wife Valerie wanted to play a phone tap on you. My name's Gareth from Elvis Jaren in the morning show. [BEEP] [LAUGHTER] Isn't that funny? No, no, it wasn't funny. It was horrifying. [SCREAMS] The Elvis Jaren phone tap. This phone tap was prerecorded with permission granted by all participants. The Elvis Jaren phone tap, only on Elvis Jaren in the morning show. There's only one feeling like knowing your banker personally. Like growing up with a bank you can count on. Like being sure what you've earned is safe, secure, and local. There's only one feeling like knowing you're supporting your community. You deserve more from a bank. You deserve an institution that stood strong for generations. Bank of Colorado, there's only one. Member FDIC.
Shane is a total germaphobe, so his wife calls him from the deli, while Garrett the sandwich guy hacks up a lung.