TADPOG: Tyler and Dave Play Old Games
Ep. 790 - Timecop (SNES)
You're about to listen to TADPOG. Tyler and Dave play old games. It's a comedy video game podcast. We would like to stress that the host are not experts and are really just very crass commentators. Seriously, this is an explicit podcast that happens to talk about video games sometimes. So please enjoy this pretty okay podcast with Tyler and Dave. (upbeat music) - Hello internet. - Hello. - Hello. - And welcome to another futuristic artisanal spun podcast where we have come back in time to tell you about TADPOG. - Daylight saving special episode. - Shit, yes. - We plan this motherfuckers. You didn't think we were gonna do it, did you? Surprise, we remember to turn our clocks back and play time cop. What have you been doing with your life? Patreon.com/TADPOG. (indistinct) - If you've been doing better than us, which you have, I assure you. Patreon.com/TADPOG. - Guys, how about the results of that election? Am I right? - Boy, what a nail-biter. - Oh man. - Crazy. - I'm glad they're all in one day. (all laughing) - Pennsylvania, am I right? - It's definitely not still going. - I think it was gonna go that way. - Wow. - Me neither. It's definitely not still going on as this is aired. - And I don't know how I feel about it. - I don't either. - Hi for one, welcome our new overlord. (all laughing) - Well, today we're talking about this pre-slash post-slash daylight savings episode. - Daylight savings time special episode. - Of both the movie and the game time cop starring Jean-Claude Van Damme. So of course we bring on the foremost that I honestly know in this world, foremost Jean-Claude vendor-mologist, Sandwich Pope Phil Hawkins. - Welcome. - Bonjour. - Bonjour. - Most of the time I'm facetious when I say we've brought on this, we're a biologist. This time I'm not kidding. I don't know anybody that knows more about Jean-Claude Van Damme than Phil. - Jean-Claude Van Damme. - Damn! - Van Damme. - Van Damme. - So much fun to say as a kid. - I'm sorry for myself. (laughing) - This is really all I wanted to be when I grew up was a Van Damme anthropologist. That should be like if you're ever like interviewed, instead of it saying like local man of Phil Hawkins, local man or say Phil Hawkins and down below, Van Damme anthropologist. (laughing) - See, so like it's not just us, it's anybody doing a Van Damme movie cause Phil to be on it. Because I love your episode, I believe on with Experience Grind where you talked about blood sport. - Yeah. - Yes, chef's kiss because it started with Ryan not lacking blood sport and wanting to shit on it, but you were so passionate and enthralling about it. You brought him around at the end. It was wonderful. - Such is the power of the muscle from Brussels. - Oh yeah. - I can bring anybody in. - But before we get to all the time copy of Van Damme goodness, what's everybody been up to? - Boy, if I got some stuff to tell you guys. - Oh. - Yeah. - It's the same kind of shit I tell you every week. I just wanted to make it seem more exciting than Melio. - No, that's awesome. - It's exciting every week. - Started watching one piece. - Oh. - The anime. - Oh boy. - Ooh. - Okay, the anime. - I know you watch shit real fast, so I am curious how long it takes you to be 1,152 episodes. - I started, it's the anime. I've already watched the first season of live action like several months ago. - Right when it came out. - Yeah. - And I liked the live action enough, and I finally got around to the point, fuck it, I'm gonna start watching one piece. It's on Netflix, all of them are on Netflix in the proper order, and it's all done the way that my old man brain can understand. Crunchyroll is kind of hard 'cause you know, you've got like all the different languages, and sometimes they play an episode, and then the same episode, and the next language will play. - Their user experience is fucked. - It's awful. - So they're actual like subtitles are better, but the user experience is like, this sucks, man. Why does it say there are 100 episodes of this show that's been over one season? Oh, because every episode of every language is listed separately. What the fuck? - I have been watching it fairly regularly. There's been a couple of breaks for other shit that I watch on the regular, but it's all wrapping up now. I started watching it on October the 30th. - Then you're halfway through, that's my guess. - I'm done, I've watched all of them, no. November 4th, as of the day of this recording, I'm almost done with season one. - How many episodes are in a season? Like 24? - Like 30 something. - Okay. - But they're short, and they're like 20 minutes long, and half of it, as is the case with a lot of anime, is just rehash ultra long opening sequences and ultra long closing sequences. So you really only get about 18 to 22 minutes of actual content. - And it's only 359 hours for all of it. - I'm gonna, we're gonna keep track of this as we go forward to see how long it takes me to finish one, to get caught up, and there's a new season that just started. So we caught up, we're gonna see how long it takes me to get caught up to the current season of one piece. - I'm tempted to like, can anyone start a poll like on a betting site? 'Cause like, I feel like this would be a fun one to do. 'Cause I would honestly bet, how many hours? - Did you say 359 hours? - Yeah, let me bring you back up again. 359 hours. - 359 hours. - 15 days straight, you could do it. - Yeah, I think you could do it. - That's like a quarter of the tad-pog catalog. - Yeah. (laughing) But how, but like what percentage of entertainment is this? - One piece can suck our tits. - Yeah. - So you can, you can do that. You know, if y'all want to come over the poll or something to see, you've had my start date now. - Yeah, I've walked over the 30th. I don't have a specific amount of episodes I watch. I just watch when I can, and then I stop when I need to stop. - Well, if you did like, I played Final Fantasy 11 in culinary school, which was eight hours of sleep, eight hours of class, eight hours of Final Fantasy 11. - It just balances right out. - You did it like that. Yeah, you could do it in, well, 45 days. - Oh yeah, that's the rule of thirds. But I'm really enjoying it. I really like it. - February, you're gonna be caught up in February. That's my guess. - That's a good guess. - Good. - Now, I will, should I give everyone a fair warning if I get so burned out on it and I stop? - No, that's part of it. - Or is that part of it? - That's part of it. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - So, but I'm really, really, really enjoying it. And I love Monkey D'Luffie. I love him. His little attitude and-- - He's the guy with the hat. - In his mouth, the way he responds to things, he's just so straightforward and basic about everything. And it's just, I love it. - I can see what the appeal is that everyone, I can see why this show has been such a big deal. - It is a huge deal, for sure. It's his middle initial D, so it's like Homer J. Simpson. - Yeah. - But he has something to do with a line of pirates or something like that. - It might, I don't know enough about it yet. And so far, the first season hasn't covered anything that wasn't covered in the live action. They just made it a lot briefer in live action. - Does it tie in to Cutthroat Island at all? - Probably. - Good. - I think-- - I'm ending up at Treasure Island. - Good, I think Matthew Modine voices. - Okay. - Monkey D'Luffie. - All right, I would love that, I would watch that. - I'm curious, is Monkey his nickname or is that his Christian name that he was giving up birth? - It's actually a slur. (both laughing) - I don't know, I don't know. I think he just always introduces himself as Monkey D'Luffie. - Otas baked in racial slurs into every single character you just have to find out. - You got a bottom line. - That's the part of the fun. - Yeah, it's a riddle. - That's the treasure hunt. By the racism in one piece. - So there's the challenge. - Why did you miss Popo? - Yeah, yeah, I'm not saying it's too obvious in Dragon Ball. (both laughing) - You watch Dragon Ball, it's like, oh shit. Yeah, this was made in the 80s, wasn't it? (both laughing) - This one was started in 1999. So, it started a little later than some of those. - We solved it by then. - We had figured it out. - Yeah, it's done. So anyway, I'm doing that. So yeah, feel free to make place your bets wherever as to when you think I'm gonna finish. Maybe we'll come up. I've still got stuff in my box of goodies somewhere around here. I'll, if you get it, whoever gets closest to the actual finish date, I'll send you something from-- - We'll give you whatever's in that Arby's bag, Tyler brought in. - Yeah, no, that's probably for us. - Oh. - It is for you guys. - Hell yeah. - So continue, I don't wanna hog you 'cause I know-- - I hate my hungry guys. - Yeah. - We've got another, we've got a-- - SNL. - Yeah, that's like the Super Bowl of Life or whatever. - Totitos for my hungry guys. - Yeah. (both laughing) - Next up on my list of shit that I watched this week is a movie called "Seller Door", which according to the movie "Dawny Darko" is the most beautiful phrase in the English language. This one is not, I don't know, I've always been fond of "Ask the Mouth". (both laughing) - That's girl same. - That's the sound of the sheik's clapping. - This one is kind of a thriller suspense kind of movie. It stars Jordana Brewster who you might remember from such roles as "Dawn's Little Sister" and "Fast and the Furious" movies and "The Commercials for the General Car Insurance". - Is she the little cartoon man? - Nope, she's herself. - Oh, okay. - A guy named Scott Speedman, who apparently is a really well-known actor amongst a lot of people, and I have no idea who the fuck he is. And a good ol' Larry Fishburn. - Oh! - You might remember him from "Nightmare on Elm Street" "Dream Warrior". - Yeah. - And not much else. - And that's it, he didn't really have much of a career after that, but he's back in "Seller Door Form". And the story is that this couple is played by Jordana Brewster and Scott Speedman. They suffer through a miscarriage and they decide after this happens that they're gonna move. They're gonna move out of their apartment in Portland, I think, actually Phil. This takes place in. And they're gonna move out to a more rural area and they're out looking at houses and they can't find what they like. It's either too expensive or it's not big enough. And anyway, they get introduced to this guy played by Larry Fishburn, who is living in this massive house and has given them a choice. And he says to them, "I will give you this house. "It will be your house, you can have it." It's a massive, it's a huge house. - But you gotta suck my dick any time I ask you to. - Exactly, you've seen it then. - I've seen it, I live it. - The only caveat is the only rule he has is that they're not allowed to open the cellar door under any circumstances. And if they do open the cellar door, the ownership of the house goes back to the dude and they have to get out. - I'm curious about the lawyer who drew up that contract. - Yeah, I was all done in a promissory note. So, obvious legality is a side. It was a pretty cool movie, I enjoyed it. So, that one I'm giving three and a half stars. - Every day I let someone just go to the Red House. You know, I heard there's some really cool shit in this cellar. (laughing) - He, it's one of those door, one of those outside cellar doors, the double type, like that leads to like a cold cellar. - Right, sure, or you go with like escape a tornado, kind of deal? - Yeah, that kind of thing. - You go in to find someone's mind crystal in the very end to pull the blight out of them or-- - That's right, it's that kind of door, exactly. So, yeah, three and a half stars. Wasn't Sage says check it out, I liked it. It's on your streaming platform of choice if you'd like to check it out. And the next movie I watched, this is the last one I'm gonna discuss. There's this movie now that it's called-- - Not even talking about the movie today. This is it. He steps back after this one. - This is a-- - No time cop. - I bring this one up with caution. It's called The Substance, I don't know if you've heard of it. - I haven't, The Substance. - The Substance. Demi Moore is in this movie. - Okay. - Is this, when did this come out? Is it all? - Oh, okay. - Just recently. - I don't really know, she was still doing it. - She is, and let me tell you something, go ahead Phil. - I've seen some images on my red feed from The Substance. - Yeah, ooh boy. - That tells me a lot. - She is, first of all, she's naked a lot in this movie, which is nice, she still has it. - It feels like it seems like it might be the point, yeah. - But, I will say this, before I get into what this movie is about, Demi Moore's performance in this movie was Oscar fucking worthy, and I am not even kidding. She, I would be, the way the movie is, the type of movie that it is, I very seriously doubt it's going to get any Oscar nods, but she deserves an Oscar for best actress for this movie, plain and simple. I have, it was fantastic performance by her. That being said, I cannot recommend this movie to everybody, 'cause you know, I have seen, also Margaret Qualley, who had a brief role in the young lady who had a brief role in Once Upon a Time in Hollywood, and then Dennis Quaid is also in this movie. And if you don't like him, you really won't like him in this, but-- - Took a break from being on Fox News to come do this movie with Demi Moore, or this one. - With Demi Moore's gonna be naked in this? Yeah, I'll do it. (laughing) What, she's playing the substance? All right. - She makes me produce the substance, okay. - Yeah, yeah. - This movie is, you know, I've seen a lot of movies. - Yeah, you have, you've got a lot of movies. - I've seen a lot of shit. - In my life. This is the single most fucked up movie I have ever seen. And I am saying that with zero hyperbole. By the end of it, I felt wrong and weird and disgusted and dirty and gross. It was-- - You're selling it. - It was gross. It was the grossest body horror gore movie I have ever seen. And it was-- - All right. I'm looking at it. - But it was done so fucking well. Like you couldn't turn your eyes away. It was a work of art, this movie. I just, and if gore and body horror and that kind of thing is something that doesn't, if it bothers you, do not fucking watch this movie. I mean, it is, all right. So I mentioned last week, Tyler, about "Terafire 3", right? And I said, oh God, it's really gory. I almost reached my limit. This movie is 10 times fucking worse than "Terafire 3". - It's got like a 91% on "Rotten Tomatoes". - It's such a good fucking movie though. I cannot stress that enough. It is, I would-- - I wish for no one did gore. Would it be this? - This, I don't think anyone could do this again. This is the kind of thing. The story is about this aging actress who is losing her, she's lost her last kind of gig as a host of an exercise show. And this is played by Demi Moore. And she's being phased out 'cause she's just getting too old. The numbers aren't up there anymore. And you know how it is. As in this, in that industry, in Hollywood, the older you get, the harder it is to stay relevant unless you can kind of transcend and get up into the like, you know, Judy Dench and that air, you know what I'm saying. And for her, she was very famous most of her life but her fame is starting to wane and it's taken a toll on her emotionally. And so she goes to, she has to go to the hospital after an accident and the nurse guy who's examining her slips this thing into her pocket which is a USB drive that says the substance. And then on the other side is a phone number. And so she goes home and plays the video on the USB drive and it shows this video of that this basically that explains that this drug will make you spawn a younger, better you out of your body and it comes out of her back. So she takes the drug and this young woman that's like a younger version of her comes out of her back and then they have this whole system in place where they have to change, they have to switch places every seven days. So like one sleeps for seven days and there's like a food pack that she plugs into her into her vein. And then the other one is supposed to revive and then put herself down to sleep for seven days so that it can be, and it's a cycle that has to be respected. - Also our lawyers say you can't fuck it. We need to sign this. We don't care if you do or not, but we need you to sign. - They truly don't, there are no lawyers involved in this. They truly do not give a fuck what you do but they give you a very explicit set of instructions to follow. - It's like gremlins. - It's like a very horribly fucked up gremlins. It is like that. - 'Cause they pop out of the gizmo's back. - Yeah, this would not surprise me if this was inspired in some way by gremlins. - The filmmaker was like, all right, hear me out, gremlins? But Demi Moore is a mogwai, and she's naked. - All right, and the other girl is also the Martin. - The one that plays her spon is also naked a lot. It's a great fucking movie. - It's been showing up almost a breath a lot. - Yeah, there's a reason for that. And I want as many people that think they can handle it to watch this movie, but just be prepared because it's, like I said, I was not prepared for it to be this fucked up. Now you will be, so maybe I've had dulled it for you a little bit and if I have, I'm sorry, but I, in good conscience, could not recommend this on a widely, semi-widely listened to podcast without kind of putting that disclaimer in there. - This sounds like the kind of thing that if it had come out when I was 14, would have like altered my sexuality because I would be like watching horrible things like in between beating off every like 20 minutes in Demi Moore's naked. - It sounds like an ace on flux sort of thing. - I honestly believe Demi Moore looks just as good if not better now than she did in her younger years. - Maybe it's the clone. - It's, no, it's not. - I know the clone is hot too, but. - Paul runs a very similar show about this. - Oh. - To where he finds this business that will make you better. Like, what do you not like about yourself? We'll make you better. That's what we do. - Okay. - And he goes in and has it done and-- - He says, "I want to be Demi Moore." - Demi Moore. - And then Demi Moore grows out of his back. (laughing) - Well, I can't remember what it's called 'cause he's about to get the power from his job, his wife is falling out of love with them. He goes to do this to get better and then it cuts to him coming out and he's way more extroverted, way more charming, stuff starts going his way. And then cut to a field behind the place where old Paul Rudd wakes up. - Uh-huh. - To where they just, they clone you and then kill the old you and the new you goes on. - Okay, I got you, I got you. - So he survives like they botch, killing him and he gets away. - Yeah, botch, okay. - That sounds familiar. I think I've-- - Dinner for Schmucks? (laughing) - Ant-man? This is the plot to Ant-man. How do we-- (laughing) But anyway, yeah, the substance, highly recommended, it's on your streaming platform with choice. I can't remember where it is streaming other than that. But definitely, listen, I've given this one a four stars. - It sounds cool. - It's easily four stars. Whizzin' Sage says check it out. Just be warned, it's fucking gross. It's fucking gross. - Okay. - I'm looking up and it says, it's streaming only on Mubi, M-U-B-I. - Okay. - Famous streaming app. - Mubi. (laughing) - Mubi. - You know, Mubi, like everyone uses. I think they actually do-- - The golden calf from that Kevin Smith movie. - Yep, it is. - It is. - Clerks. - So that's pretty much it. I wanted to also mention real quick Kaiser Ark and I have been playing a little more Overwatch together, which has been a lot of fun, so thanks for that. Thanks for joining me in there. We had a really good night the other night playing and hopefully our schedules can keep lining up and we can keep playing together 'cause it's nice to have a friend in that game. So, anyway. - If Demi Moore were cast to play an Overwatch character, who would it be? Would it be Widowmaker? That's my guess, but I'm not the expert. - Oddly enough, Bastion. (chuckling) Boop, boop, boop, boop, boop. My memory of us talking about that is such a weird, ambient haze, I could just pick out random words like that and have no context for them. - I would say-- - Genji Mane, that's what Demi Moore would bore. That's a thing I could say that's somewhat relative, right? - Yes. I think that if she was actually cast as an Overwatch, it would be as Widowmaker, but there's a lot of better choices out there for Widowmaker, I think, but if she was in it-- - She's in it. - Probably Widowmaker. - Okay. - We'll see. I'll think on it. - Okay. Yeah, I didn't mean to put you on the spot. - No, it's a good question. - What have you been up to, Dave? - I've had such a good time watching Nightmare on Elm Street movies that I decided to keep that train rolling. - Nice. - And-- - We did too. - I watched Nightmare on Elm Street 5, The Dream Child, and I gotta say, I stopped the train. (laughing) I pulled the emergency brake. I got to the end of that movie and I was like, well, shit. Maybe that's why they had to reboot it. - And I was like, do I watch Freddy's dead? I've heard it's hilariously bad. I think that's the one with the video game, Kill, right? - Yeah. - Yeah, which I think I'll just watch the movie just because I need to see that. - I'm in Freddy versus Jason, you gotta watch that. - I've seen that one, I need to re-watch that one. But yeah, The Dream Child, it's not as bad as the second movie. - Right, that's a bad, bad movie. - Second movie's real bad. - Yeah, it sets the bar really high for like bad movie. - But it's also like The Dream Child was like, looked so cheap. - They're like neck and neck and the race to suck. - Yeah, it was not good, in my opinion. And then I watched a 2014 movie that I've been meaning to watch since 2014, the Baba Duck. - Oh man, that one's. - I do, I like the Baba Duck. - I liked it, yeah, I liked it. It was not what I expected it to be, but it was like a good movie. I thought it was gonna be like a scary movie. And it wasn't a scary movie to me, it was one of those where it's like, "Well, let's just see how this plays out." - Yeah. - But yeah, I thought it was really well done. And there's a better child actor in it than there was in Nightmare on their Street 5, The Dream Child. And then I'm playing some games. So The Monster Hunter Wilds Open Beta was this past weekend. And I played quite a bit of that with a group that I do some tabletop games with online. And man, that is a fun game. - What's it called again? Monster Hunter Wilds? - So this is part of the Monster Hunter series. - Yeah, it's the next one. It's coming out in February. It's real similar in gameplay, but they're like the big thing about it is that there's like no loading screens. It's open world. But when I heard that, I was like, "Oh fuck, is this how I'm kind of done with that "a little bit open world?" But it's still done in a way where it's like, and it was the beta, so there was just one zone. So I don't know what it's gonna feel like when it's completely fleshed out. But the gameplay is a lot of fun. It was one of those where it's like a hunt takes like between 20 to 30 minutes and I would get done with a hunt and be like, "Well fuck, I kind of wanna do another one." So I spent a good amount of time. I think it did like eight hours playing that this weekend. - Is the Monster Hunter series a Nintendo exclusive or? - No, it's Steam, PS5, Xbox. Yeah, that's pretty much on everything. Yeah, I think they've had... Monster Hunter Rise, I think when it came out, was like a timed exclusive on the Switch. But I know it came out on Steam. - That's what I remember seeing it mostly on, but that was during the time when I was playing mostly on my Switch. That makes sense. But yeah, hopefully they do another beta. It was set where it's like, 'cause the loop in that game is you go out, you hunt monsters, you kill the monsters, you carve 'em up, you take what you've carved, you take all those materials that you've gathered and then you craft gear from those materials. - Okay, cool. - But in the beta, you couldn't craft yet. So it's like, we would just go out and I were like, shitty starter gear and we killed all the monsters. Like we just set out to like, well, let's just hunt them all. - Now you get to carry the gear into the... - I don't think so. - No. - No, I don't think so. You get to carry the materials, I mean. - Yeah, that'd be nice. But no, it's essentially just kinda, this is just for funsies. You get to carry over the character that you create. I made Teamu Cloud. (laughing) Then you get like this little companion with you that it's essentially a cat, like a bipedal cat. So I made Kate Sith. So I get to carry him over. So that's fine. - That is cool. - But yeah, it was a lot of fun. I'm looking forward to it coming out. - I'm gonna try to make the lucky cat that Turbo Granny got into. - Oh shit. - Got it on. That's gonna be so good. - That would be good. The character creator's a lot of fun. I probably spent, I mean, I don't know, a long, out of the eight hours, probably like one hour of that was making Cloud. (laughing) - I love shit like that. - And it just started because it's like you're going, like I'm going through all the options, all the hair options. And it's like, oh, it kinda looks like Cloud's hair. Could I make Cloud in this game? - Yeah. - And then I played a game from 2019 that I slept on and a really regret that I just started playing it. And that's Disco Elysium. - Oh, I'm familiar with this one. - Fuck man, that game is so good. It's so fucking good. That has been like a fucking time suck because it's one of those games where it's like I start playing it. And it's like, it's so compelling that like I lose track of time. And it's like, I'm like, oh fuck, what time is it? And it's like, I've been talking to this one, why have I been talking to this one NPC for 30 minutes? (laughing) That's the kind of game it is 'cause it's a detective RPG that is kind of really distinct art style. It's got like a painterly kind of art style to it. It's, there's not a, I have not had a single, I've played the game for eight hours so far. I have not had a single combat. It's all, I shouldn't say all, but it's mostly dialogue, trees and skill checks. And the writing is really, really good. The writing is what makes it really compelling. The dialogue is really good. And so you've got these like different faculties of your personality that are essentially characters. So like they will interject. Like you'll be talking to somebody, you'll be talking to an NPC. And they'll like say something rude to you and then like a certain aspect of your personality will like pop up dialogue and it's in your head essentially. And it'll be like, you should stab this guy in the eye. And so then it's kind of one of those where it's like you make decisions based on the different faculties that pop up and they kind of like affect, they kind of, I don't know how much they affect the story 'cause I'm only eight hours in on like a first playthrough. But like the marketing phrase for the game was what kind of cop will you be? So you get to make a lot of different decisions on like how you handle problems. And it's like there are so many, like you carry a journal where it like has leads in it and like different people asking you for different stuff and that gets so like overwhelming, but like in a good way, it's like one of those where it's like I'm looking through all of it and everything, there's a time like the clock is always going. It's one of those where it's like it feels to me, it gives me not stylistically, but like the management feel of like persona four did where it's like, okay, I can't do everything. So it's like what can I do? And it's like that's fun where it's like you're, you're making, you know, priorities, you're prioritizing. Okay, well, I should probably take, I should, you're there in this town to investigate a murder. Someone's been hanged from a tree and you're trying to figure out who the murderer is. That's how it all starts. But then it starts to like there are threads here and there that where you're like, well, I don't know if this is related to the murderer or not. And then it's a whole, it's a whole thing. And then it's got this real like dark vibe to it where it's like, I don't know if it's because of the character that I'm playing. When you start the game, you get to choose what kind of cop you are. Like as far as like, there are different options where it's like, there's a strong one, there's a smart one, there's a sensitive one. And they give you different like descriptions as like what they mean. And really what it is is like, it's your starting attributes essentially. Like a sensitive one has a higher empathy than the others and has like a higher suggestion. - Like building a character in D20 Modern to where your start off is a strong hero, fast hero, tough hero. And then with skill trees based from that stat. - I've never played D20 Modern, but based on the sentence that you just said, yeah, it does sound like that. You've got all the skills. Like you can use any of the skills. But like you start. - So even as a sensitive hero, you could use a strong hero or a strong detective skill. - Well, even as a sensitive hero, I could use the skill, like I could use like the physical skill. There's a skill for like physical, which is like anything that's like you exerting power over something. Yeah, you can still use it. - But you're just not gonna be as good at it. - My starting stat is a two, as opposed to my psyche, which is five. - Oh, okay. - But the reason I chose the sensitive character is because they give you like a rundown and they're like, the sensitive character is more likely to go insane than the other characters. And it's like, oh, well then that sounds like it's gonna be a lot of fun. And there is like, it makes me curious like what playing like a strong character is like, because like I get shit all the time that is just like it goes on this fucking, like I'll be having a conversation with a woman about her boat. And then all of a sudden like, there's this faculty called the Inland. And like the Inland is talking about, think it's talking about all the people who died, who died in the lake that are underneath this boat. And it goes on for like a full paragraph. And then it's like, because of that, you get the option to just ask the lady about it. Or like the person on the boat, where it's like, I don't know, freak this lady out. But it's one of those where it's like, if that faculty hadn't popped up, you wouldn't have the option in the dialogue. - Oh, that's cool. - Yeah, it's neat. I love it. It's fucking, it is fucking amazing. And I am looking forward to getting back to it. - That doesn't have to break up. - Huge recommend. Huge recommend. - Okay. - I'm really ashamed. - It's all about steam. - Yeah, it's on steam. - I think it's on PlayStation 5 too. So it's probably on Xbox. Huge recommend, so far. - Okay. - So Phil, I think the last time you were on the show might've been Google Patrol? - Simant. - Simant, Simant, Simant. What have you been up to since Simant? - I haven't up to since. Simant, well, my son is now in high school. - Whoa. - I beloved 17 year old Pat died over the summer. - Ah, I'm sorry. - And I am having an extramarital affair with an older woman with some religious trauma. Her name's Shadowheart and I love her and she's like. (laughing) - No. - Hell yeah. - Hell yeah. I have an important question. - Yeah. - Has Harold Arthur shit on the floor since he's started high school. - If he has, he's done a fantastic job covering. - That's all that matters, really. - Yeah. - Okay, good, good. - But if he's in high school now, so you started watching the show probably when he was like seven or eight or younger. - I mean, he's on the floor, I hope it was done. (laughing) - I started listening to you guys like right when you came out. I remember 'cause I got a what is it called? An Apple podcast player, fucking back in 2012. What were they called? - An iPod. - An iPod, yes, thank you. Got an iPod for Christmas back in 2012. Started working at a newspaper in 2013 and needed podcasts to listen to while I was at games. And you guys were one of the first ones that I picked up back then. So, it's pretty much since like episodes six or seven. - Hell yeah. - Hell yeah. - He's been in this game a lot longer than I have. (laughing) - Not as long as Mike Purdue, but pretty close. - Yeah, Exalted Lord Mike was in super, super early. - Yeah. I did finish recently. I think my third D&D campaign ever. Curse of Strahd after about two years. - Oh, damn nice. - Nice. - Nice group. - Were you a running this one? - No, I was a player. - You're playing. - Bitch, I believe Dave, you had tried to start Curse of Strahd. - Yeah. - A long time ago with Chandra and Tyler and myself. - 'Cause of David, Timeload Josh Edwards. - Yep. Yeah, that's a tough one. - We were killed by the time zones. I mean, being three hours apart, it's really hard to do it. It was hard to do it with everybody on the West Coast. - Yeah. - But I am proud to say that I brought my character from that game back, used to the root farmer. - Nice. - Died in a fiery fireball from one of the chief sub-bosses, Baudalasaga in the game. But we were able to recover, play through. I picked up a circle of spores, Druid, who were roughly modeled after Danny DeVito. - Nice. - It ended up being a really fun campaign. - In a Curse of Strahd game right now, I'm playing in Druid, but I'm doing a wild-shaped Druid, which I'd never done before. - Mine's choice, yeah. - Yeah, Circle of the Moon is like, from like at level two, it was insane. Because it was like, oh shit. We're a crazy outnumbered. There's no way we'll defeat these things. It's like, I'll just turn into a bear twice. And just tank everything. Is that cool? - 80x hit points, that's fine. - Right. - God damn. - Yeah, bears are like, yeah, Circle of the Moon. I'm curious how it's gonna be later on. You know, I'm sure it's gonna taper off. But like in the early game, it's been really fucking like super crazy, powerful. - Yeah. I would not do a Circle of Spores Druid again. I thought it would be a fun energy the way they can kind of raise the dead with their fungal spores. But in mechanically, there's a lot of spells that are necrotic based. There's a lot of spells that are constitution save based and those don't work against undead. So I felt like kind of ineffective for a lot of the second half of the game. - That makes sense. - Yeah, Dave played a druid in one of my games. He kind of felt the same way since we were in the Underdark. - And druids are fucking nerfed to all hell of the Underdark. - Yeah, playing, I don't recommend playing a druid in the Underdark. That really, it was not fun at all. Because a lot of stuff like, yeah, a lot of spells don't work. Because it's like, oh, you can't see the sky. Oh, shit, okay. Well, all right. Oh, just wild shape into something. What animals have you seen? A beetle? I've seen a beetle? Have you seen a bear? No, don't know what one of those is. - Oh, the range on this is 200 feet plus. Oh, no, here's the little subtext. In Underdark is inches. Oh, okay. - Yeah, yeah, there are a few spells that were like specifically just like, yeah, this doesn't work as well in the Underdark. - Yeah. - What else have you been doing, Phil? - Yeah. - Halloween's but was great. I do a set up every year on my driveway post COVID. You know, I live on a street that's like adjacent to Halloween central. We don't get a whole lot of trick or treaters because we're on a hill. So I post COVID, I try to do an outdoor setup on the driveway so that I can kind of attract passersby and set up a canopy with a whole display out front and that seemed to be working pretty well. So I had a little bit more each year. This year I did a homemade dice tower out of some Lego stuff that I had lying around. And so I would have like different bowls of candy depending on what you rolled and allowed folks to roll a second time, anything from king sized candy bars for if you're rolling after 20 to a toothbrush and fruit snack if you roll a one or two. - Love it. - Now, Phil, you were talking about the, you had concerns this year about the weather. Did you get decent weather where you rained on a lot? - It was shit. It was pretty bad. I mean, it was an organ Halloween. Like every other October it's gonna be grizzly and nasty, hence the canopy that we have set up. But you know, for, I'm starting to develop a good enough reputation within the neighborhood that we still get folks coming by anyway. And so it went well enough for what it is. Really, it's for me. And if the kids come by, that's great. But I know for, from like five until seven o'clock, I'm essentially sitting in my driveway under a tent listening to spooky music. - Right. - You know, it's proud of zero people. - It's perfect. We had a pretty-- - Lambming shot the fireball. - If you roll a one, you had to take a shot of my lord. - I wish we could get my lord out here. That is not anything that we get distributed out in Oregon. - We'll send you some. - Yeah, it's probably against the Geneva Convention. To ship it outside of Chicago. - Speaking of Halloween, just while I'm thinking about it, if you guys want to see some cool pictures from the big Jefferson Street Halloween thing that goes on in Bedouca every year, I did post some of those in this board. - It's on the board. - Bit out of our lives. - It was a cool-- - If you had to pick a look. - Absolutely bonkers. - Yeah, Jefferson does it. - I wish we could get something like that over here. - It was crazy. We live a couple of blocks over from that area, and so we're able to just walk over, and it's a lot of fun. We just walk around and look at all the great costumes. If you watch the video of the guys that had the lights on their costumes-- - Yeah, sold them. - And playing thriller, and they were my favorite. There was a portable generator inside that cart, and they just walked up and down the street playing good music and dancing and stuff. It was a lot of fun this year. So yeah, if you want to see those pictures, I got them posted. And if anyone's ever curious what the whole priest this Tonya looks like, there's a picture of her in there, too, so anyway. Sorry, Phil, I didn't mean to cut you off. I just wanted to bring mention that before I forgot it. - Oh no, you're good. No, I saw those pictures and it very much felt like, you know, '80s, '90s, the type of Halloween that he grew up going. - I was also going from neighborhood to neighborhood. - It was, it was like, you know. - It's weird, the kids all stand in line at the houses to get candy. - Yeah. - It's just a line, just a constant line. - And Christian literature. - And Christian literature, that's right, that's right. The Lone Oak Baptist Church was doing the Alice in Wonderland theme this year, but they weren't getting a lot of action. - They were handing out pamphlets or something, I don't know. - Yeah, Henry got a pamphlet one year. - Well, you know, if you live there, you can do that, I guess. - Yeah, I mean, look, it was fun too, but it was also kind of like, man, you just gotta just got a horn in on every holiday, huh? Okay. (laughing) - I can't let anybody have fun, aren't we? We're gonna try to get in on this. - The kind of the Christian mythos in general is like, we're gonna take every holiday and turn it into art. - Yes, your holidays will be absorbed. - The assimilated like in your entity. - I always thought it was weird how like, the Christian version of Trick or Treat was Trunk or Treat, where they do it in a parking lot, where you get candy from people out of the back of their trunks. - This was my Halloween experience. Like Melissa, tell me about like, going to door and door, you know, I barely had any memories of that because I did it before my, maybe when I was like four and five years old, then my parents went to church and that was it for Trick or Treating. It did not happen. I remember knocking on it from that early memory to whenever I was 16 and just ran, took my arm inside my shirt and was the one-armed man in the door and got candy when I was 16. Nothing between that but Trunk or Treats. - So isn't that creepy or though? - Fuck yeah. - It sounds creepy. - It's super creepy. - Awful and it's stupid and the candy sucks and there's nothing fun about it. It's just paranoid, Christian bullshit. And yeah, I hate it and I'm mad at my parents for taking that part of my youth away for church. - What is the paranoia? Is it like needles and candy bars and stuff? - But someone could do that in a Trunk, right? - I'll put only Christians to keep candy on drugs, Dave. - They don't have a history of doing bad things. - I mean, I mean, I don't think you know the intense vetting process that it takes to get a Trunk to be able to get a Trunk and treat. - You're right. I don't, I'm assuming there's a lot of paperwork involved. - Yeah, we're talking Trunk and the border, fucking vetting, no, anybody can fucking, come be like, I'm part of your church now. I love the God here. Let me keep your kids some candy. - Next year. - It's fucking stupid. - Next year. - Now I'm mad. - Next year, all your kids and everybody in the van come down to my house in Park and walk over to Jefferson. - Oh, see, there's no way, even if my parents were atheist, they would have never taken me to Jefferson Street 'cause like, that's too much. We're not doing this. Never would they have ever taken it. - Like do that's too far to drive. - Yeah, yeah. One, too far to drive. Two, too far to park. - Three, just too crazy. Yeah, never, never would have even considered it. - Oh, you gotta come. Next year. - I'm taking my children. - You've been down there, you've done. - It is intense, but you do it for them because it is like a prime, that's the closest to trick-or-treating in a movie that you're ever gonna say for sure. - And I will, like, I'll give them number three. Jefferson Street, Halloween is too intense for your parents. - It's a lot. (all laughing) - Seeing those pictures made it look like this is what 80s throwback movies try to make 80s Halloween look like. - It's idyllic, it's insane. - It's cold, actually, it still happens every now and then. - Yeah, it really does, it's fun. It's only been going on for the last 10, 15 years, I think. It hasn't been a thing forever. But yeah, the cops are involved, they block off 10 blocks of Jefferson and they-- - And it's so expensive for the people that are there. - It is, they were talking about how they spent-- - How much money - Three to four thousand dollars in candy. Now, that being said, most of the people that participate in this can afford-- - That's free COVID numbers. - Some of them don't like this now. - Yeah, it is, they can afford it, believe me. It's not cheap to have a big house on Jefferson, I promise. But yeah, it is, it's idyllic. It's just like the movies and it's a lot of fun, especially when you live close by and you can just walk over. You know, we don't have it, it's no trouble for us to just walk several blocks and we're done. - Yeah, you avoid all the pain that it is. - Right, no finding parking, no having to, you know, stay too long or not long enough. It's nice to live down in that part of town. - The parking's really not that bad. - It's not, but a lot of people just don't know where to go to park. And so they find what they can and it can be daunting for someone who doesn't live in town. - Sure, and it makes sense. - You know, Tyler? - Oh, let's see. I also kept the not-marron Elm Street chain running and I streamed it on Halloween, the NES game. - Okay, nice, did you beat it? I know you got close. - I didn't see that. - I wish I had. - Before we recorded it. - I had totally a new set of, now that I knew more of what I was doing, but I had an entirely different set of problems this time, I ended up dying because I couldn't enter any of the levels. I just couldn't do it. I ended up trying to go in and just the enemies kept spawning and eventually I just, eventually they wore a war of attrition, fast spawning enemies and I could not enter the levels. - You got my achievement then, because that was actually what happened to me. I could not get into some levels. - 'Cause I had Big Dig Podmaker, Chris and Derek Pope sandwich, helping me out, looking up tips and tricks while I was doing it. And they gave me the order that the first three houses were random, then it's an order. So I got through the first houses, I got through the junkyard, I had to go to the graveyard. That's the next level. I had the key, I had everything. I just couldn't enter. No matter what I did, I could not go into it until I died. It just came to fuck off. - Sounds like a nightmare. - Yeah, but now I also know that once you unlock a dream warrior costume, you don't lose it. I thought each one you got was one use essentially. - Oh no, you get to give it. - Yeah, that's a game changer. - I probably would have lasted longer had I been using the costumes 'cause I was asleep the whole time because once I fell asleep, there's no boom box outside. So I was just in the dream for 30 minutes until I died. So that would have made things a little bit easier. I probably would have lasted longer to try to enter the level, but yeah, it sucked. But I had fun playing it until that point. It was a fun stream 'cause I haven't streamed in a long time. - No, you haven't. I'm glad you were doing that. I wish I had known how to join you. - So I thought, I've got an hour on Halloween before anybody, we have to do anything, so I did that. - Before the trunk retreat. - Yeah, before I'd blow Jack up and ruin his Halloween. (laughing) Let's see, other than that, Jack had to go, we went to Louisville for his checkup from his last surgery. I really wish telehealth was a thing 'cause I drove three hours up there. The doctor looked at his incisions and went, okay, good, they're not infected. Bye, we drove three hours back. - Did you get to have fun in Louisville at all? - I mean, we both had to work the next day. So we went somewhere to eat that. I thought would be good and then it wasn't, which I hate when that happens. - Yeah. - That made me very sad. And awesome, it was a sort of a trendy Japanese place. The menu looked awesome, sounded awesome. When I got there, it was just like, we were adding soy sauce from the table to get flavor in the fucking meal. - Oh boy. - Like it was just, it wasn't too expensive, so it wasn't too heartbroken over there, but it was just like, oh well, I'm sorry, we wasted our trip to Louisville on the food that kind of sucks. - What is your order? - I ordered Al, it was a Mexican Japanese fusion. I ordered Al Pestor, Beebenbop. - That sounds like that would be flavorful. - Yeah, canned fucking pineapple in it. - Really? - Yeah, and then like the pork with, and everything, but yeah, Melissa got the orange chicken and it was still like, she doesn't like a lot of sauces, so she just got the orange sauce for the chicken, but it wanted all the extra mayo's on it. And she was just like, yeah, I could've done this at homeless stuff we had right now. But they didn't have amazing Japanese toilets in the bathroom. - The best thing about going there was the Japanese toilet that was like super hot when you sat down on it. - Nice, like did you have the option of like how hot you wanted it? - I did not expect it when I sat down and I was like, whoa, oh shit. But yeah, I didn't see an option to turn an honor off, it was just on and it was set to a pretty fucking warm. - Set the puree. (all laughing) - See here. - Yeah, I had a nice, the bidet water was warm. - I don't know, what I had when I had one, it was cold. So cold is just really bracing. - I know. - The warm water was in the house. - It's great. - It just feels like a man. - The dilated trassel. (all laughing) - Relaxes it. - It's like, I feel like if it's a warm, it might be like gay or something. But because it's cold, it is hetero as fuck. (all laughing) - I can go to hetero bidet. Don't give me those gay bidets. - Excuse me, Amazon, I think you sent me the wrong bidet. - This is warm. - Made me wonder what a man's tongue would be like with his warm water. I want a cold, bracing like. - Now, I may have sucked off three guys, but it's the bidet's fault. (all laughing) They're not gonna, look, I got to try and treat to go to later. They can't know about this. (all laughing) - I'll be banged. I have a song, please. I'll be banged from the trust of dreams. It's part of the vetting process. They check the temperature of our bidet water. - Sir, you've called Dairy Queen. (all laughing) - Let's see, although besides that, just work everything, but I do have, sorry, Phil, if you wanna, you can play imaginary things to try. So I do-- - Yeah, I forgot about this. - The first thing I will hand out, Dave, if you don't want a full one, I understand. - What is it? - I did not think I would-- - Is it warm bidet water, because you're right. I wouldn't want, I don't wanna fall. - It's similar. - Okay. (all laughing) - 'Cause I've had that here. - It's carbonated, though. (all laughing) - It's carbonated. I did not think I'd be able to find this 'cause they stopped selling it on like the 31st, but, and I checked everywhere. - Is it more beetle juice, Fanta? - No, no, this is much better. - Okay. - So this is the seven-up Shirley Temple. - Oh, I saw these at Walmart the other day, and a whole bunch of them. - This is a bold, full sugar. - It is, I couldn't have found the zero sugar once. - Yeah, man. I don't want a full one, but I definitely wanna try it. Do you have like little cups or something? I know at one point we had little plastic cups. - Yeah, you take some and I'll drink the rest. - Okay, yeah. - Or whatever. It went the cups. - We got the one that we needed. - So, and then I was upset. - Yeah. - Damn. - Which I anticipated that to be amazing, 'cause I'd read like for a stunt soda, like seven-up nails it. - Like a special like vanity project soda. Cool. - Did you wanna have some too? - I have to have one, I'm good. - Should we go ahead and drink it now? Or should we wait? - Go ahead, go ahead. Seven-up Shirley Temple. - It's okay, but the follow-up, the pomegranate, I don't think I care for. - See, I too thought it was okay. I was very excited for it. Trying that, it's like, I don't even care to really try to find the zero sugar, it's up. - I've not ever heard of putting pomegranate in a Shirley Temple. - Yeah, that's what's different. It's cherry and pomegranate. - I would really like this as like a, like a dipping for a vanilla cone. I feel like I really love it, it'd be really nice. - If you're a queen, had a Shirley Temple dip. - Yeah, it's okay. - So I was upset because I got my subscription for the monthly boss hour, and then they also had level for grapes. So I bought both. I got the monthly subscription box, and then they did not send me the grapes. They just sent me a box of level one cranberries. And I emailed, and I was like, "Hey, I want the grapes that I bought." And they emailed me back, "Sorry, we're out. "Can we send you something else?" And I was like, "What else level four you got?" And I'm waiting for them to say something back. - That's okay. - Yeah, that's okay. - Made me sad. - Did they refund your money for the candy that you didn't want? - No. - That really sucks. - They said they would just send me something else. Like, "Well, if you send me something else that I want, "that's good." So what I have here, what they sent me for October is Frankenstein food. - Frankenstein food! - So it's fine. - Feed my Frankenstein. - Feed my! So it is a level three, Kiwis, apricots, cherries, and prunes. - Okay. - So I don't know if there'd be enough. I don't know how much it's in there for each to try. I have not tried these. I've waited, I lift the kids try, but I have not. So, I don't know if you guys want. I'll pass that down if you can get one of each. We'll all try. - Frankenstein food, okay. It's very juicy. - Like the shorts. Okay, that's a plum. That's a plum. I'm just shaking these out. Let's see what we get. That's a... - That's probably an apricot. - An apricot, okay. All right, all right. Going, so many fucking plums. This is a green pepper. - Kiwi. - All right, Kiwi. - I imagine the cherries and the prunes will be kind of hard to differentiate. All right, there's some. I don't know, can you identify a cherry? Turn a flashlight on. - I think those are prunes. That's like a fucking Dick Tracy movie in here. - I think we got, that might be a cherry right there. - Right, and I think there's one right there too. There's two cherries, I think. - I won't be over there. - I won't be having a prune because I've been trying to eat a very fiber-rich diet. - This might push it over the edge. - I don't need that right this way. - Okay, now I can tell the cherries are just a lot smaller than the prunes. Okay. - Let's see, I need like a little thing. All right, I'm gonna do this. - Okay, you can do an apricot? - Yeah, we'll do apricots first. - Yeah. - All right. - Level three sour, freakin' sun food. - Apricot. - Mm, that's good. - That is good. - I don't taste the apricot as much. - Not really. - The sour really bounces that out pretty well. It's all kinda. - It's very mild by comparison. I like that one. - I do too, I'm surprised. - Mm-hmm. - All right, well you guys wanna try next. - The green pepper. - All right. - The kiwi. - Yeah. - The kiwi. Is there another one over there, Ian? - Yeah, there's one. I don't like kiwi, so this little bitty one will be great. (laughs) - All right. - Well, that's sour. - Mm-hmm. - That's good. - A little more leathery, more texture than the apricot. - Leathery, it's a good adjective for that. - Yeah, that is, yeah, I like that one. - Kiwi flavor kicks in at the end. I actually didn't mind that, that was pretty good. - Yeah, that's pretty nice. - I know you don't wanna-- - I'm not gonna do a-- - I'm not gonna do a prune. - I have a prune. - Yeah, Dave, I'll try a prune with you. I like prunes. - Yeah, okay. They really like hold the sour. - Do they? - Flavor. - Mm-hmm. - 'Cause my dad loves prunes. - Is there a small prune? I'll try a small prune. - Um, is that a prune? - I don't know. - I think that's a prune. - That one? - Yeah, that's the smallest one I see. - This one's fairly small too, Ian. - Well, I've already touched this one, so I'm gonna eat it. Fuck it. - Oh, shit, Ian's shitting himself right now. (laughing) (groaning) - And I didn't expect to be turned on, but here we are. (laughing) - That is sour. - Yeah, right? (laughing) - Yeah, I like that. - Now the cherry? - Yep, I got it. - Do I have a cherry here? - I think that's a cherry? - Okay, yeah. - And I think I have one as well. - Mm-hmm. - I'm sorry if I shunt. Did I shunt? - No, it was a sour. It got me again. - All right, sour cherry. - Hell yes, oh my god. - Oh, that's good. - Oh, that flavor. - That is the best one. It's just at the end there, yeah. - Oh my god, that's the best one. - Yeah, that's really good. They're like black cherries. - Use cookies. (laughing) - Use cookies. - Fuck yeah. - Yeah, that's good stuff. - Let me eat that apricot. - And then lastly. - Oh, there's more. - Try to end with sweet. - Every now and then, Sam's Club will have. - Looks like wonton soup. - It is the kind of container you find. They'll have, shit, why did it just leave me? - Cookies. Biscuits. - Yes, the French kind. - Macarons. - Yes, macarons. - Macarons. - Macaroon are the American coconut versions. - John Claude Fandam loves macarons. - So Sam's Club actually has really fucking good ones. - Phil, is that right? Does he love them? - It is true. - Okay. - Oh, I have an idea. - Oh, those look good. - I'll give you each a raspberry macarons and then here is a amaretto macarons. - I do not want an amaretto. - I do not like amaretto. - Thank you, sir. - That one I can definitely say I do not care for. Raspberry. - For the cost, the amount and variety, they're fucking good. - Okay. - Raspberry macarons. - Here we go. - Mmm. - Hell yeah. - Mmm. - Hell yeah, that's good. - That is really good. - It reminds me of something, but I don't know what it is. I can't put my finger on it. - It's gonna come to me, but that does me too. Man. - That's really good. That's delicious. - They don't always have them, but every time I see them, I definitely get a box. - Yeah. - And Dave, I'll eat the amaretto one with you. - Okay. - Or amarettie, as it says on the-- - Amarettie macaron. - Come. - Unfortunately, after the raspberry, this tastes like nothing. (laughing) - No. I think it's kind of a very subtle, all-manish flavor. - I got it at the very, very end. - So after a raspberry, most definitely. The kids kind of devoured all the brass, 'cause there was chocolate fudge, vanilla bean, chocolate orange, and lemon. Lemon's are my favorite. - I would like chocolate orange. - I would like chocolate orange. - Yeah, that would sound good. I was at Sam's Club today. I should have looked, I didn't know. I would have gotten some more. - Oh, we're in the frozen section. - Okay. - I fuck with these, and I fuck with Sam Sushi. Both good shit. - I've heard good things about Sam Sushi. - Oh, I was very surprised. - They make it right there. - Got there in front of you, yeah. - Thanks for bringing this stuff, man. - No problem. - Yeah, for sure. - I'm gonna continue to snack on this bag of freaking food. - Can I have another kiwi? - Please. - I didn't think I would want one, but here we are. (laughing) - Phil, I hope you enjoyed that. - It was delightful. Audio orgasms all around. (laughing) - Well, we want to roll into some time cop talk. - Hell yeah, yeah. - Yeah. (laughing) - God, yes. - Guess what? Go on, guess what I might have. - A tadpog totals? - I do have a tadpog totals. And when I've finished chewing on this kiwi, I will read it. - You don't want to do it while you're chewing on the kiwi? Could be fun. - Go. Phil, when did this movie come out? - It was released in September 16th, 1994. - Correct, yes, that is, I came from it. - 'Cause the USA Today was 2004, in the beginning. - It was, it was, everything happened in October. Like all the, every time they would go back in time, it would be October something. - It's an election-based movie, so it was happening right before the October, or the November 2004 election. - Yeah, and it's weird that Tonya pointed out that we were watching it, you know, it was an election kind of movie, and we were watching it, you know, two days before the election, so. - It seemed, this is why we're doing this. - Yes. - Oh man. - We absolutely planned this. - I thought it was weird that they, I thought it was where they successfully predicted the candidates for the 2004 election. - I thought that was interesting. - I love "Time Cop". - The White Supremacy Party, that was. - Yeah, it was, it was. I love "Time Cop". It's one of my all-time favorite sci-fi movies. I love "John Claude Van Dam" in this. Great movie for me, I love it. So, I do have a "Ted-Pog Totals" list, and I'm gonna read that right now, the 1994 sci-fi classic "Time Cop" starring John Claude Van Dam, and Mia Sarah. Mm-hmm. Starting with one Old West machine gun massacre, one rollerblading per snatcher foiling, one walker that's not a Texas Ranger, blatant Nissan product placement, blatant Ruffles placement, two breasts, one set of buttocks, one saxophone accompanied sex scene, two front yard ass kickings, one weirdly explosive house, one old fashioned boxing versus kung fu fight that lasts exactly one second, one corrupt senator with a ridiculously punchable face, loud peanut eating, VR porn at work, several unnecessarily futuristic cars, God the fucking cars in this movie. Kitchen counters splits, Timu Wesley snipes, semi-truck dodging, semi-truck dodging, one-time travel pregnancy reveal, several long-haired villains that would have fit right in in Tango and Cash if you haven't seen it. Go watch it now. One set of metal shin guards, strongest house gutters I've ever seen, and past and present self-merging. I was on the stage just acting brilliant. Thank you, awards, go to Bruce McGill as commander Eugene Matuzak for saying, "Damn it, Ricky, if I catch you fucking this machine again, I'll break your neck." To Ron Silver as Senator McComb for saying, "Don't interrupt me when I'm talking to myself." And that's C4. It will not only turn this house to dust, it will separate every part of you from every other part of you. I thought that was a good line. - Thank you for winning that out. (laughing) - You're welcome. And finally-- - I want to add one. I also want to add one for this fun. - Dad, mom said you'd barbecue hotdog. (laughing) - Thank you. - One line. - One line in the whole mirror. And he's like, "Yeah." - Fine, barbecuing season. - Absolutely, in a-- - A member of SAG. (laughing) - The next award for Ron Silver goes for him saying, "Finally, when I'm in office, it's going to be just like the 80s. The top 10% will get richer and the other 90% can emigrate to Mexico where they can get a better life. Weirdly appropriate for this time of year. And finally, the last "Wiz and Sage" is acting brilliant. Thank you awards for this list goes to Jean Claude Van Damme as Max Walker for saying, "I saw Tyson beat Spinks on TV and I'll tell you this. If I can't go back to save her, this scumbag is not going back to steal money." - Fair. - And that is my Tadpaw Todles list for "Time Cop." I love this movie. I love, love, love it. I watched it having not seen it in a while. I watched it over the weekend and was extremely glad that it still works for me. It was still a good movie for me, so. - I hadn't seen it before. - Had you not? - Nope. - Sure hadn't. - Nor had I. - I thought it was a really fun movie. It was fun. - I liked it. - Me too, good, good, good, good. - What about you, Tyler? What'd you think? - Yep. - Do you like it? No? I know you're not a movie guy, so I tend to think of you as sort of the voice of the other side of that coin a lot of times. - I didn't hate it. I didn't hate it. I didn't love it. It's probably on the bottom of my Jean Claude Van Damme list of movies. - Just, I mean, some stuff are entertaining, some stuff are schlocky. The ending had Melissa in a fucking roll. - Because their house looked exactly like it did. Like nothing, like it didn't blow up into a thousand pieces. - I mentioned that to tell you like, who the fuck is their builder? - It's the two aliens from critters. 'Cause Nicky and I were watching it and I looked at her and I was like, remember the end of critters? Where those two European looking aliens, like press a button on a remote control and then all the footage of the house exploding is reversed? That's what happened in Time Cop. We just didn't see the footage being reversed. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, okay. - Well, because the merging, the merging, that's what Melissa and I were just saying a minute. And then of course, she's about to fall asleep at the very end when I'm then like all my time rules, like, where's the other him? - Yeah, no, you don't think about that. - Why would he come, okay. - No, like early on in the movie, I was kind of like thinking like that and I was like, this is not that kind of movie. This is like the time travel, yeah. - Tastes me down to the paradox city. (laughing) It's like also like, I know we're like talking about the end of the movie at the beginning, which is weird, but that end of the movie where like the house blows up and everything and it's like. - Which happens in the beginning as well. - That is true, you're right, time. (laughing) That's another thing, like I looked at Nicki, and I was like, if that woman has that baby, there's like, that's the most far-fetched thing in this movie that this baby was not miscarried. And they're like, yeah, be it like a shot at and like hanging off a gutter, falling off the gutter. - Yeah. - A house exploding, it's like, man. - He's got a tough move. - That's a strong ass baby. - Listen, why are they all crawling on the wet roof? Why? Why is all of this on the wet roof? I was like, yeah, I don't know. - It's far more exciting that way. - Because his policeman's salary can afford it, that's why. - Right, Phil, I know you like this movie, right? - Yes, it's not in my top stand-down movies. You do need to turn off. You can look at this movie, time travel standpoint, and get really disappointed in all the plot holes in it, where you can just kind of turn that part of your brain off and decide, oh, I don't care where the time pod capsule goes when they go back to time. - I'm basically going to forget that those things happen. Keep in mind, the bad guy's entire plan involves blowing himself up at the end of the movie, sacrificing himself because he knows that his past self will become president in a later timeline. That doesn't erase the fact that he is still killing himself to make this plan happen, so I'm really having a hard time kind of understanding what his motivation was for all of this, but it's, I mean, it's Van Dam's highest-grossing movie as an individual. - Really, it is. - It was kind of the-- - The beginning of the end for him, actually. - Ike Van Dam, you got this, you got sudden death, also done by the same director, Peter Hyam's, you had, I think this is the same year that Street Fighter came out. This is just-- - Yeah, it is. - Literally the apex of Van Dam's kind of acting career in the '90s, and as far as a all-low action movie star goes, it's not as good as some, it's better than others. I give it, you know, all seven out of 10. - Yeah, he, after this, you know, after Street Fighter, he started demanding, like, Jim Carrey money. (laughing) He was asking for like $12 million a movie, which is what Jim Carrey was earning at, and this is, we're talking early '90s Jim Carrey, who could ask for fucking anything, and he would have gotten it. And, 'cause he had made $8 million for Street Fighter, and he was trying to get it up to $12, and the studios were, for everything, and he wanted to get signed on to a bunch more projects at that rate, and the studios were like, nope, we'll find someone else, bye. And so, he started getting into, he was abusing substances, and things kind of went downhill for him, and he ended up having to go into rehab, and he made it through rehab successfully and whatnot, but he was kind of a dick to people, and just sort of made a bad, several bad moves in Hollywood that kind of got him taking off the list. - He had a pretty widely known, or at least known now, like cocaine problem. - Yeah. - Huge, huge cocaine problem. - I thought by substance abuse, he meant Kylie Minoges of "Ajina." (laughing) 'Cause from what I've read, he abused that severely during the filming of "Street Fighter" the movie. - We don't talk about that. - That brings up my favorite IMDB trivia item on "Time Cobb," which is, this was the second film starring John Cloud Van Damned, who'd be released by "Universal 94," the other, the "Video Game Adaptation of Street Fighter," but also co-star, the late Raul Chulia, was released three months after this film on Christmas Day and had a successful run at the box office. "Street Fighter" also starred Kylie Minogue, who once sang a song about trains. (laughing) - That would be locomotion, coming from a hardcore-- - Can people found that helpful? - Hardcore Kylie Minogue fan, I can confirm. - My favorite thing, my favorite bit of media about Kylie Minogue is her performing on "SNL," and then you see the camera sort of pan to the side of the stage back in the wings, and Ian McKellum is sitting there on his ass, fucking jamming out so hard to Kylie Minogue. - Listen, Kylie's a big deal. Kylie's a big deal, especially at home in Australia. She's like, she's still putting all good stuff. She's doing good. I know she listens, so hi, Kylie. - Hi, Kylie. - A big fan. - Wanna let us abuse that substance or-- (laughing) - That's the substance. - I mean, your vagina sounds like it'd be a lot of fun. - Subsided down. - Couldn't me find it. (laughing) Cool, I like it when it's like that. (laughing) - The clips on the butt, yeah. - Cool. - So, let's see. - I like that they get into a car to drive to the past. - I thought that was fun. - Yeah, Phil was talking about, because it was like, why do we, okay, so they walk out, sometimes they'll fall into the water from 30 feet up, they fall into the reflecting pool. - And then-- - In front of the back, how, the white house. - Sometimes five of them will appear at once, which makes me wonder, like, do they have a minivan version of the car that they get in? (laughing) - And they just kind of casually walk out. - Right. - Why are they not, why is the time enforcement, do company, what, no, TEC, what is the C? - It's an agency. - It's the agency. - It's fucking Ricky with all of his robot porn is too busy, backing off a person's ex, so-- - Hell yeah. - Except that one timeline where he's like in a suit and shit. - Yeah, right. - Right, right, it's like when the bad guy wins, like in the bad timeline, Ricky is a stand up, like, businessman, he dresses well, he, like, takes showers, he looks great. - Then he-- - I feel like we're judging a book by its cover, guys. (laughing) I think we need to be fair to Ricky. I mean, we don't know that he was not a piece of shit when he was dressed like a businessman. - It's true. - He hit it well, at least. - Yeah. - He wasn't, like, actively watching virtual porn at work. (laughing) - You say that, like, it's a bad thing. (laughing) - 'Cause he and most of them are very, like, (laughing) - I know, right? - My take away to that was, come on, Ricky, like-- - You could do better. - You could do better. - When it's revealed to be virtual reality, it's like, I don't, I don't know. (laughing) - Well, there's a story. - To my second favorite IMDB trivia. - Yeah, I know it feels-- - I hear new scene was supposed to be a nature documentary about beavers, but the film team got drunk the night before and ended up in a strip bar and woke up and missed the bus, so they found one of the dancers and shot her as, like, the virtual sex scene. That was your makeup shot. - Hey, baby, wanna be in a movie? Is exactly, I feel like that line was said to that dancer. - And then they were like, no, really. - We mean it. - We mean it. We really want you to be in this movie. - It's got Bruce McGill. - Yes. Yes, it does. - You need a good, natured management and character actor. He's who you go to in the middle. - Bruce McGill nailed it in this movie for me. I love his dialogue with some of the best. It sounded-- - I've been waiting for a heel turn from him, like he would be a double agent like-- - Right, I'm your best friend. - He was. - And he's awesome. He's great all the way through. - He is great. - I love Bruce McGill. - Then I had forgotten about how they send an internal affairs agent back with him to make sure he's doing it right. - That made Melissa happy 'cause she's on ER and she watches ER 24/7, yeah. - She ended up being the traitor. And I'd forgotten about that actually. - I like that part of the movie. I like that part a lot, yeah. - Nice little twist. There was some good kung fu in this movie. I like watching Van Damme kick people in the face. He's fully like 90 degrees. Or up in his foot is up in someone's face and it's like he smacks him with his foot, you know? Like he's got-- - Like he slaps him with it. - Yeah, he just puts his leg up there and then uses his foot to like, I challenge you to a duel. - Yeah, I love that shit. - And where he spills water on the floor. - And the counter splits. - Yeah. - And he narrowly misses the 50,000 volts. - I like that scene. - I like when the bad guy tells us how many volts is in it. - Right. (laughing) - 50,000 volts, motherfucker. - Yeah, I'm watching it like, shoot, that's a lot. (laughing) - How's he gonna get out of this? (laughing) - Oh shit. - I did, I really did like that scene. - That was cool. - Yeah, it's a great scene. It's a great scene. But it's like, it is one of those where it's like, you do have to, there is, you do have to turn your brain like, I don't know you have to turn it off. - 'Cause it will trigger epilepsy. (laughing) - But you do need to be like, in the right mindset. And like, in the very beginning of the movie, where I saw like the rollerblading purse snatcher, like just the way that dude was dressed, I was like, okay. - 90 is white dude ever? - Yeah. - It's like, okay, I know what kind of movie this is. Now, let me just adjust my expectations and my brain. And we're now at a point where I can enjoy this movie. - Right, right. - Yeah. - I thought, go heads up early, that is going to be a flaky film. - They do. And it's called Time Cop. That's like another indicator. (laughing) - There's your sign, right? It's like, okay. (laughing) Clearly this movie is about a time traveling cop of some sort. - Right. - So you gotta, you kinda set the expectation. - They abolish windshields. - Yeah, the cars, man. - The cars are funny. - God, they're so bad. - I told Tonya, I said, it looks like what Elon Musk must have drawn when he was like two. - Right. - I know. - This is Elon Musk at two, designing car. - I had the thought that he saw this movie and was like, oh, they were gonna do that. - Shiver truck. - Yeah. - What if the take time truck? What if the take no drone was a sedan? - He started out, he was gonna call it time truck, see? (laughing) Because of time cops. - What do you guys do with all these broken down when a bago? (laughing) What were you saying, Tyler? - It's like, what if this take no drone was a sedan? - Yeah. (laughing) - And it's funny because it's like, it reminded me like, the Griswolds because it's like, they took like a station wagon that has like a grill on it. - And these tiny little tires. - Yeah, and then they just like glue fucking like refrigerator doors and stuff. - Why did it have a gun whale at the front? Like a cylinder at the front look like a, they took the machine gun off the front. - I know, right? - Yes, I do. - It's just so weird. - Yeah. - God, I love that. - Go ahead. - 10 years in the future, the only things that are different are, these are wildly different, cars are wildly different, and there's time travel and everything else. (laughing) - Hell, yeah. (laughing) - VR porn, man. - I am. - Thank you, poor thing. (laughing) - And I also think it's funny how they like, aren't really consistent with their time travel role, because like in the very beginning in that board meeting, it's explained to us- - They get the rules down immediately. - Yeah, they're like, it's explained to us, you can only travel backwards in time. - Because the future hasn't been determined yet. - Right, but then people are able to go back to their time, which is technically the future. (laughing) - Yep. - The entire plot revolves around like the present being infiltrated by people from the present. - Right, yes. - Hasn't happened yet. - The best explanation of time travel in any movie has been in-game, Avengers in-game, and they start jokingly naming all of the time travel movies that they can think of, and time top makes the list along with back to the future and hot tub time machine and all this stuff, and it's funny how they just basically debunk all of that, and they're like, no, that's not how it works, and then they give kind of a reasonable explanation as to how time travel works, but yeah, there's a lot of paradox happening in this movie. - Well, if they can understand and navigate time travel, why don't they take off the 1700s property of the Confederate army off of the gold that they use to them? - Oh, we've had this in my family this whole time. We've had it all along, and now I'm gonna spend it- - We've re-forced the gold bars, maybe, and they make it untraceable. So no one really knows that you're fucking with time. - I find it preposterous that in order to win this election, the easier route is to go back in time and feel the better in gold that I'm just doing some phone banking fundraising. - Don't think Donald Trump hasn't thought of that. He watched time cops like, why aren't we doing this, people? - Confederate gold, that's the answer. - I'll never mind. - Let us make up of this election is kind of interesting because they do give you these little hints here and there from the news clips where there's an incumbent president and the independent party is six points behind. So now apparently in 10 years, the independent party is the second biggest party in the United States. And then whatever party that Ron Silver's character is representing is like way, way, way in the back, not even getting the same government matching funds that the white supremacist party is getting. (laughing) - Absolutely bonkers what they consider the 2004 like political sphere to look like. - I felt like-- - Well, I mean, look at their idea of what cars are gonna look like, I mean, you know. - We're called the time tyrant party. - I also feel like it's one of those where it's like, this movie's not gonna be relevant in 10 years, right? We can just, I mean, we just take some swings, right? (laughing) - Why not? Demolition man did it, we could do it too. - I like how the-- - Go ahead, Phil. - Oh, I was just gonna say this thing takes place October 20th, mostly a week before the presidential election and they're talking about Ron Silver's character is going to need to drop out of the race because he doesn't have enough money to finish the final two weeks of the campaign. - Right. Just right there, I almost made it. We just ran out of money. (laughing) - Well, guess it's over. (laughing) - Guess the only option left is time travel. - Good thing I decided to chair that committee. (laughing) - Yep. - That was, yeah, fortuitous. (laughing) - We think somebody already has. Well, that's strange. - Huh? - I'm a new senator, I'll have this up. Who he looks just like my last company's boss to a really strange degree that I told Melissa, like, whoa, that looks like this guy's name. - Did he have a scar on his face from being killed by her? - Just suddenly, it was her car driving by her car driving by her. - Well, at least he had the foresight to cover that up when he has the scar. - Yeah. - 'Cause two points, one, whatever current future Van Damme goes back and sees his wife and his wife. It's just like, what has happened to you? - I grew my hair out a little. - His hair, my hair's a little longer. What has happened to you? - What am I, what am I, sis, get bigger on my forehead? (laughing) - And then the other, whenever at the end, when he comes back and he's just like, what happened to Senator McComb and the director? - Immediately, it's just that piece of trivia. - Well, he did, yeah, 10 years ago he just disappeared in the know, that's the closest thing in a movie I've seen to, she hasn't lived here in 50 years. (laughing) - Do you remember, he canceled all of his appointments up. - Right. - Oh, yeah. (laughing) - It was the weirdest thing. You know, we were just talking about that over at lunch. It's funny, you bring it up. Well, but Caup, you don't remember? (laughing) It's just a part of our history. We're talking about it all the time, it's on this T-shirt. That guy's wearing a T-shirt that says it right there. (laughing) Call it Senator McComb day. (laughing) - Never forget. (laughing) - We celebrate, we all cancel all of our appointments. (laughing) - And just go off the grid. - Why don't you just don't schedule appointments today? It's not in the spirit of the holiday, I don't think you understand. (laughing) - You gotta make 'em, and you cancel 'em. - Very un-American of you. (laughing) - Why did they have a big concrete wall at the end of the launch practice? (laughing) - To end it all. - They have two blood spots. - That's it, yep. Like they could have just built another 100 yards of track if it goes wrong, well it'll just slow down. - That's all, that's all the distance they have to go to 88 miles an hour so they can kick in. - At first, I was like, I thought that, I was like, okay, so watching this movie the first time, there's the wall there that has the blood splots from the twins, and I was like, all right, so the reason that this is so expensive, time travel so expensive is because they destroy a car every time they throw it. I thought that was part of it, like they had to like crash the car into the wall, and then like that kinetic energy or whatever, right? - Yeah. - It makes sense. - No, it doesn't work that way. - It's just there to kill 'em. - Whenever he comes back, I was laughing because the car just shows up again, and it drives it, it's driving the other direction. - Yeah. - It's the Mr. Freeze ride at Six Flags. - Only it turns itself around. - I thought that was really funny. Yeah, I like the movie, but it's like, but that's part of why I like them. - Right. - Because it's the things that they put in it. - It's a little total recall-ish right at the end when they transform, then you see like their faces distort. - Oh yeah, it's talking to distortion. Let's talk about when the combs is like, past self is shoved into his future self. - Love that shit. - They set that up like super early in the movie. They're like- - Listen, we have a matter, can't occupy the theme. - We have to tell you this, and it's very important that you listen and know that the one thing that you need to remember. - And I was like, oh cool, I can't wait for that to happen. - Right, I know, it's gonna happen. - It's gonna happen, it's gonna happen. - It's got to do that. - And then you get this like fucking Alex McSlurry. You're like CG liquid metal blood thing. - I thought, flesh colored Ivan Oos from the Power Rangers movie. - And then they're like, should we throw in an extra set of teeth? And yes, of course, let's do it. - Glibbering mouth are perfect, let's do it. - I loved it. - I don't think you'll love the substance. - Cool. - 'Cause end this whatever, like the dumb sidekick, whenever his past self just walks in behind him. - Oh, you told me to come here. - I got real smart in the next 10 years, but right now I don't know my ass from all on the ground. - Cancelled all my appointments here. I could be here for this. - I don't know if you've heard, but I have canceled all of my appointments. (laughing) - I'm definitely going to reschedule now when I get back to the office. - I followed the letter in the envelope to exactly when you gave it to me. - One of those movies where the entire conflict of the plot could be resolved relatively easy. Like the entire thing is, Axe Walker facing Senator McComb across various times, trying to imitate him in these crimes, but there's no evidence when all they needed was a body camera to record all the instances of Walker and McComb meeting each other in various parts of 1994. - Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, what do you think this is? 2014, come on. Body cameras, that technology's out of our reach at this point. - All we need-- - Even now cops don't have to wear them, so it would still work. - All we need are eyewitness testimony. That's all that we need, and these eyewitnesses definitely won't die every time. (laughing) - Even my partner who said they'll go back and kill my family, and when I brought him in, refuses to say anything, and we just killed him outright. - He says-- - We have no probing technology, only time travel technology. - I love when McComb says we-- - God, this system at the TEC is so fast. - Oh, it is. - This is from arrests to execution again. - Judge dress guy. - I am the law! - I am the law, exactly. - That's obviously gonna judge Joe, but during that scene-- - Uh-huh. - I love when McComb at the end tells him, "You're no better than me, you're changing the past," and he's like, "Uh-uh, I'm making it right," because you're the one that fucked with the past, so now I'm going back to correct what you did, 'cause this isn't what was supposed to happen. - And I was like, if you say so. - Yeah. (laughing) - Whatever you have to tell yourself. - Well, plan, 'cause, yeah, whatever. He's right about you. You're doing it, you're changing. - You're right, exactly. - The past is the past. - Who knows what the future is going to be? - Exactly. - And as a person who works in the hospital, in a hospital, the security response time, whenever that nurse starts shouting for security-- - Dude, dude, also-- - Different time. - That's the craziest thing about the movie. - Why is a time cop running from hospital security? (laughing) I don't even have guns! Like, I think Jean-Claude Van Damme could've just been like, "Uh--" - Smack, smack. - Smack, yeah, a little smack. - Like, don't kill him, just-- - Breathe down him hard enough. - Yeah, yeah, I feel like he would've fallen over. - I feel like he overreacted, 'cause maybe-- (laughing) - He wouldn't have excused to jump out the window and run across the roof. - Yeah, he jumps out a window! It's hospital security! (laughing) - See, I wouldn't have been killing me. Like, "I'll fix it, I'll fix it, I'll go back and fix it." Don't worry. (laughing) - This keeps having all this shit going wrong. - I'll be, I'll be, I'll be, I'll be, I'll be, I'll be. - He turns, he turns to page seven of his journal. Okay, now I gotta go back and-- - I gotta make it so syringes aren't invented. (laughing) All the solutions are, like, way more super complicated. All right, so, we travel back in time in a car, so I'll go kill him before. (laughing) - I gotta make it so black people can't be admitted to the hospital, so she'll never have to go. (laughing) - Oh, McCobs is that covered. That's why I'm working on something else. (laughing) But there's two scary, it's two hospital security guards. Two, it's two-- - Two dudes that he could have just pink. - In windbreakers, it's two dudes in windbreakers. - Yeah. - One jumping set of splits, they'd have been out. - Yeah, they would have just been impressed. - Right. - I feel like you could just intimidate them. (laughing) (laughing) - Just lunch at 'em once, and they'd be like, "Oh, wait." - If I'm working security at a hospital, I'm gonna go ahead and call the police if Jean-Claude Van Damme is like, supposedly attempted to murder, or murdered somebody. - That is what they do. - Yeah. - Yeah. - They're the middle man between us and the cops. - Yeah, I mean, I'm not gonna get someone to do the splits on me, that's a police job. (laughing) I'm just here to make sure kids don't spray paint on walls. (laughing) - I love that his internal affairs partner's sample blood is like three vials down. (laughing) - I know. - Like that pregnancy test. - Which they write the results in a scroll attached to it. (laughing) - Also, I thought it was funny. - It was 1994, come on, man. - There was no hippie yet, I guess that's true. - The labels on those tubes, it's like, ah, the important people's names are in all caps. (laughing) It's just like, okay. (laughing) - All right, yeah. - This feels like one of those movies that really really benefits from streaming where you can just like stop and look at individual free. - Yeah, totally. - How absurd some of this is. - Certainly not the sex scene, however. - Which is. - I would never do that. That's another one. Like when I saw that sex scene, it happens early, early in the movie. - Right away. - It was like, man, they knew 16 year old boys were watching this shit. (laughing) - And the way that-- - The way in TATPOG Discord said this was their first introduction to full frontal nudity. - Yeah, I believe that. - Totally. - I believe it too. - 'Cause it was kind of rare at that point for full frontal, but we kind of got it there, didn't we? - You prefer this form of virtual sex or the demolition and form of virtual sex? - I don't know that, I mean, I'd have to experience the demolition man form to know for sure. - Just based on the movies, though. Just based on the scenes. - Just based on the scenes, I mean, it's pretty easy to get to at work, apparently, in this one. - That's true. - They don't have firewalls and shit in, blocking porn. - You don't have to have another person put on a headset. - Right. - Yeah, but that makes it more fun, doesn't it? - Yeah. - And you could do that over the internet too, so I'm sure. - Yeah. - Yeah, and I guess you could just have a real sex with a person. - No, though, the sex scene and the-- - That's disgusting. - Fluid transfer? - Fluid transfer. - After AIDS. - The one in demolition man is weird, though. It's like super psychedelic and creepy. - Uh-huh. - Like strobe lights sex. - Yeah, strobe lights sex. - It's an earthbound background. - Acid trip, acid trip sex. I'd rather just do it the time-cop way. - I'm gonna go demolition man, but it's only because Sandra Bullock's in that scene. - Good point. - Sorry. - It is a good point. - Yeah, I'm basing it solely on the actress that's in each of those scenes. Sorry, Phil, go ahead. - I don't have to be like weirdly focused in on the sexy robots around Ricky's screen for like multiple shots. - Yes. - Yeah. - He has a thing. - He has a fetish. - And then it's encouraged. It's encouraged by the double agent. What does she tell him like? - They have that in the credits. Sexy Robot Illustrations by Majima Soriyama. - Okay. - That's bad, yeah. - Nice. - Which I did digging and- - Ooh. - So if you're familiar with Venture Brothers- - Yes. - Professor Soriyama who has the sex robot. - Yes. - Robots is named after that particular- - Oh, my fucking god, that's amazing. It's great. - And it's the exact same, you look up illustrations. It's like, oh yeah, these are the exact same as Leslie Boughts from- - Oh, fuck. - Venture Brothers. - I'm looking it up now. - I feel like if that was remade, this would definitely be like an anime. You would be more obsessed with anime girls than a sexy robot girl. - Yeah, for sure. I thought the same thing. - 'Cause that part of the future, I wanna see like, Krieger's from Archer's- - Archer. - His hologram, waifu boughts. - Mm-hmm. - They made a game out of this movie. - They did. - Pressure? - Yeah. - They made software out of this movie. (laughing) - They did, they made a software specifically cryo-interactive, which we're all familiar with. - Mm-hmm. - Great spellers these guys. - A French developer. - Yeah. - They made entertainment software called Time Cop. It was published by JVC in 1995. - That's right. - Ah, no for the Kaboom box that you would get on every Nickelodeon game show. - Uh-huh. I have an interesting bit of trivia about the game. One of the things that I thought was hilarious about the game, there are a lot of things, but on the long list, one of it was the music. The-- - FBI. - Oh my god. (laughing) - FBI, it's like in a robot voice, FBI. - Get on it. - Get on it. And I was like, it was so funny to me because I was like, it's like the music composer didn't watch Time Cop, because it's like-- - No! - The FBI is like not a thing at all. And then I found out the composer, David Cage, writer and director of Heavy Rain. (laughing) - Okay. - Damn, okay. - And I was like, wow. This is worse than Heavy Rain. - Glow up. (laughing) - Hopefully, I thought the music was the best part of the game. - Oh no, he wasn't saying it wasn't the best part of the game. - Correct him, I don't know. (laughing) - He was saying it wasn't good. - Right. - I thought maybe the music, like with the FBI, get on it, like if it's so robotic, because like David Cage wanted to explain why the characters in this game move so robotically. - Oh man, like-- - Unless they're punching. - But what is their mocab instruction? Throw a kick or a punch like any human would, come on. (laughing) - It does seem like this game was made by like aliens. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - This is how people move, right? This is how the humans move. - This is AI developed, AI did this game today and sent it back in time. - I'm Jackie Daytona, a human bartender (laughing) deciding your video game. (laughing) - Humans punch each other by throwing a lunging uppercut to the penis. (laughing) - Dude, the punch in this game outside of the uppercut, I, this, okay, so I turn this game on in between the opening track of, well, sorry, within the first minute of the game, there's a typo, and it was like, this is gonna be fucking great. - Yes. - Because the antagonist of the game says, one minute, 30 seconds in, the inventor of time travel says, let the duel begins. (laughing) - I know, I caught that too. - I love it, I love it. - In the picture of that guy. - I know. - The fucking picture of this dude. - This action platformer is mocap. (laughing) In the worst possible way. - None of it's good. Like, honestly, like looking back at mocap, it's like pretty, it's pretty quaint and laughable, even like the good like Mortal Kombat, which I like Mortal Kombat, but looking back at Mortal Kombat was like, this did not age very well. - Oh, right, exactly. - This even works, 'cause it's just-- - 'Cause it wasn't done right to begin with. - What if, what if, what if pit fighter were an action platformer? - Same thing. - You were talking about the scientist, the time, the time, the inventor of time travel. - Yeah. - The guy that they've got. - Dr. Ein, Klein-doss. - Klein-doss, yes. Which is clearly like one of the developers in literally $3 worth of costuming. - Three dollars worth of Emmett Brown costuming. - I've been the villain the whole time. - Yeah, so this isn't, this is the, the game is the sequel to the movie? - Right, yes. - Where, yeah, the inventor was really the true villain who's been manipulating everything behind the scenes, and now he's bored with his infinite success. - It's a novel concept when I was reading the like thing at the beginning, which goes on for a long time. There's a lot of reading to be done at the beginning of this game. - They gotta, they gotta sit this masterpiece, oh. - But I did like the, I did like at first the concept of, oh, this is neat that this game is a continuation of the story of the movie. - I thought it was convenient. 'Cause it's like, oh, how convenient. You don't have to follow the plot of the movie. - Right, right. - But at least they're explaining it, you know, unlike some video game adaptations. - In the future when licensing is way more difficult. - Right, especially licensing Jean-Claude Band X likeness. - We create our own thing. - 'Cause they use the, they use the dark horse comics, they use a, they take a splash page. - Yeah. - From the comic as the cover for the box art, and then they get a guy that looks kind of like Jean-Claude Band X to do the mocap. - And it's, throughout the whole thing, it's early time-cop, Jean-Claude Band X, and not later time-cop, Jean-Claude Band X, like the haircut and the suit, he looks like he did at the beginning of the movie, trying to find to be not accurate if this takes place after the movie. - Well, it's time travel. - It is. (laughing) - Yep. There's more, there's more Ingress in the game. - Uh-huh. - Somebody went back and fucked with the original cuneiform, so now this is, the language is actually that. So we're wrong. (laughing) - Well, what I thought is really interesting is like, this was a French-developed game. - Yeah. - That's, it's like, okay, I mean, I get, but it's like doing like, it's doing very Japanese. - Very Japanese. - Things, so it's like, okay, so I guess at some point-- - English. - Yeah, it was like localized by like, in Japan for the US. - Yeah. - It's like the subtitles on Netflix for anime. - Yes. - It's off. - Uh-huh. - But just a little. - This is one of my favorites, where again, the inventor of time travel says, he is commanding a Nazi regiment, which uses modern weaponry. - Yep. - Also an entire level, level four, German. Not Germany. - German. - German. - Yep. (laughing) - It's, it's rough, it's rough. - It is, it's elated. - How far did you guys make it in this game? - I made it halfway through the game. I made it to a giant octopus. And then I died and was like, I'm gonna watch the rest of this on YouTube. And that's what I did. - I just jumped straight to the watch it on YouTube part, and didn't even play it. - Oh, and then you didn't get to experience the wonderful controls. - I read enough about it to know that I was gonna have to give up, halfway through the first fucking screen. So I was like, nope, I know better. I'm just gonna, I'm gonna study up, but I'm not gonna play it. - Level one and two, I didn't really mind. 'Cause I learned very quickly, you gotta low kicks. That's all you can do against the scientists that are shooting at you. And they're mighty, and their reach in their hitbox is enormous, low kick them. - You're invincible, essentially. - Yeah. - When you're low kick. - They have no form. - It's like they can't see you. - Yeah, yeah. - Like literally, it's like you crouch, and they're just like, huh, looking around. - I'm just gonna shoot in this direction, hope I hit somebody. - That's weird, I just saw a time cop. (laughing) I don't know where he went. - He's messing with time. - And then it's travel. - Sometimes they'll be flanking you. And it's like they're having a conversation. - Yep. - Did you see the time cop? (laughing) Something's kicking me. (laughing) - What is that? I guess I'll jump a little bit and die. - I'm feeling not great. Nope, I really don't feel good. (laughing) 'Cause then I hit my, 'cause I was like, okay, this is boring and repetitive, but it's not awful. - Yeah, it does get really boring. - Then I hit level three, which was not a maze, but just a series of you climbing up with lots of breakable floors. - Getting knocked through the holes. - That drop you all the way down to the very beginning. Yeah, that's fun. - Then I was like, okay, this sucks. - Especially when they had those flying robots that like go over the gaps. And they wouldn't have been at the background? - Yep, yep, 'cause all the backgrounds are the same awful, beige bullshit. And then I was like, no, I'm gonna stick with it. This is, it wasn't awful. It was bad, but not awful to that point. So I beat level three. - And this is where the game falls off. - And that's where I fucking go in. - Where you're under, you're in the San Andreas fault. - Yep. - Yeah. - It's like, it's like 1944, San Andreas fault. It's like, homie, the fucking year doesn't matter. - Right. - You know, we're in the San Andreas fault for some reason. - Right. 'Cause it's like, yeah, it's just a Castlevania right before death type boss or enemy gauntlet, but you can't stop and fight them because the rocks are constantly falling on you. - And there's a timer. - Yep. It's, I tried it over and over and over and then just would die to the most random, trying to jump over. Finally, I get my timing and I'm jumping between robots. I just run far a few shots to get through these guys, pick up some health and making it good. And then one, we'll telegraph my jump and just with their enormous hit box, punch me and I'm fucking dead or punch me into two robots and then I go back and forth hitting until I'm dead. - Oh, yeah, I'm sorry, I got my levels mixed up. You're talking about when you're running to the time car. - Yes. - Yeah, okay. - With the, it's just a straight shot. - Yeah, it sucks. - With all the rocks falling. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - And with four different kind of robots, all the guys in white all the way across, that's where after I died, fuck tons of times. That's what I quit. - I was getting, my bad. - I was getting frustrated just watching this. - When you said San Andreas fault. - That's what hell. - That made sense because all the rocks falling, somebody questioned it. - That's the level afterwards. It's your underwater. You're like at the bottom of the San Andreas fault. - Oh, yeah. - And you're in this little fucking like deep diving suit. - Deep diving suit, underwater suit, yeah. - I mean, it's like an underwater, it's like Rapture, essentially. It's like this fucking like underwater base. - Only aliens from the movie Alien are attacking you. - Well, they're octopuses. - Are they okay? - Yeah, they're octopuses. - And they're so fucking goddamn many of them. - And everything happens behind the pipe. - I know. And not only that, because yeah, the pipes from the foreground, but not only that, the octopuses have the supernatural ability to like go below the screen, they're still there, but they're just below the screen. You can't see them. And then they pop up at you. - Yeah, they don't have bones. They can do that. - Look, yeah, I'm not saying it doesn't make sense. - Clearly, it makes sense, it's just not fun. - Oh, I also randomly died for reasons I could never figure out on that third level. - Timer? - No, not-- - 'Cause that's what happened to me. - I would just randomly die. I would save state, reload it, and keep doing it until I would get past it, but it wasn't the timer. I would just, something would just randomly kill me. - Where you going, how many enemies were you avoiding? - Quite a bit. - Here's my theory. My theory is, like, was the game slowing down? - Yeah, it certainly had slowed down. - Okay, me too. My theory is that you had so many enemies on the screen that some sprites weren't being rendered, and you were probably killed by an invisible enemy. - Oh. - It's my guess. - Okay. - 'Cause that happens in NES games. I don't know if it happens on the Super Nintendo, but like, you can get a shit load of enemies on the screen in Time Hub. - Yeah. - You can. - 'Cause you can avoid so many. - 'Cause you can avoid so many. - The Tommy Gun level. - No, my God. - There's shooting out Ethan in the windows, and then there's a fucking car coming in. - Yeah, the 1920s new game, everyone. - Yeah. - Phil, what about you? Did you play this one? Do we lose Phil? - I did not play it. I don't have access to it, so I watch. - Only here for the movie doc. I don't blame you. - Yeah, I'm only here with the movie doc. I watched this NES drunk video on it. I watched some gameplay footage on it. Enough to combine with the mocap. Made it very clear that this was probably a bottom 100, bottom 50, bottom 25. - It's pretty bad. - It's a pretty bad game. I do like, so one of the comparisons that they made on SNES drunk was comparing it to food products that are not quite the, but they're actually, so instead of a juice, it is a juice drink, instead of dairy, it's a dairy product. - What the fuck is juice? - Product. - Yeah, no, you're exactly right. - So I really love that comparison. Like this was in a video game. It's more of a video game product. - The turning around animation. - The 1% video game is all you need to qualify as a video game product. - Yeah. - The turning around? - Like when you, 'cause it's such a long, 'cause it's, it's, it's rotoscoped like Prince of Persia, but it's not like that. You have to quickly jump and move. So whenever you have to turn around, just the stop and pause, complete turn around, killed me so many times, just with so much shit. - He needs to like plant and pivot on his foot and turn around and it's like a good half second for every single time he changes directions. - You should have done the splits every time he turned around. - Or ducked. I actually had that in my notes. I was like, why is he not doing the splits when you duck? Like it doesn't make sense. - It should happen every time. - Every time, yeah. So I thought it was what's really funny about like the turning around, taking so many frames of animation is like, all that is so inconsistent because when I started playing this game, I literally, it was like, I was cackling. Like this game brought me so much joy. This is not, I mean, for like 10 minutes, for a span of 10 minutes, this game brought me so much joy because like, we got that typo at the beginning and then we got the FBI. We got that track and then like, the fucking punch animation was cracking me up because it is literally, it is literally two frames of animation. - Oh yeah. - And it's like, everything else in the game is just like, eight frames, like this like real like herky jerky but like, the punch is like, it's literally one frame. Wind up, second frame, tiny punch. And it's like, you can just do that over and over again and you make him look like he's dancing. And like, when you're punching, you can turn on a dime. So it's like, you can punch and then like, turn around and like, you can just do this fucking like dance. - Speedrun tricks. - I mean, I don't know, you know, maybe. - Alucard backdashing, that's how you do it. - Laughing tricks 'cause like, fuck man, that was, that, I was like, no substance. - Just pure, just pure time cop. - Or when he's grinding down slippery surfaces and he's doing the crazy animation. - So many slippery slopes in the time cop offices. - Yeah. - This is not very good designing. - It's horrible to side. I mean, it's laughable. It really, it's laughable. And like those, in that level three you're talking about Tyler, where like the floor has these holes, that break, it's hilarious because it's like, if you're standing on the very edge of the hole, the game does you a favor and they're like, you're fine. You're not gonna fall. And what it does is like, the game locks up for a second and then like, your character awkwardly turns around and walks away and it's like, what the fuck is that? Why did I just fall? Like, that would be so much like, make more sense and then I just fall instead. It's like the game's like, no, you just turn around. - It's like in a sandbox game hitting the edge of the map. It's like, well, nope. - Yeah, right. - It's Star Fox, 64, whatever you hit and did it on a back. - Yeah, yeah. - But what's funny about is it takes so long. It's not like an instantaneous thing. And it's so like, chunk. It's like very obvious that it's happening where it's like, ah, the game is detected that you're trying to, you're in the wrong spot. You can't fall here, so just give us two seconds to adjust. (both laughing) - Do you guys have any achievements for this? - Yeah, I do. - Have some. - My first achievement is let the duel begins. - Nice. - AKA FBI, get on it. And to earn that achievement, it's just play level one 'cause all that happens in level one. My second achievement is long live flash. You've saved your Earth, have a nice day. And to get long live flash, you've saved your Earth, have a nice day. You kill all the floating golden spiky ball things in level one. They look like this golden ball at the end of flash Gordon that would fly around and like paralyzed people and stuff. It's just what I thought of when I saw that. My next achievement is time won't let me, to get time won't let me lose any level because you ran out of time. My next achievement is such modern weaponly and to get such modern weaponly, fight and defeat the German tank with your handgun. - Yeah. - Just kill the tank with your handgun. That's fine, you can do that. - Also that level, the German level. - Yeah, 1944 Nazi world. - Was frustrating, yeah German, was frustrating because the lead up to that level is, well the inventor of time travel's going back and giving Nazis advanced weaponry. And then they just have fucking pistols in a tank. - Yeah, they still, and barbed wire. - Yeah, the same weaponry, someone lied. - Yeah. - And my last achievement is the imp, the end, and to get the imp, beat the game. When you beat the game at the very end, it says the end, written in this weird, like, you know, circuitry kind of thing, but the D looks like a P. So it does look like a P. So you say, this is the end. - I mean, sometimes it's really weird. - The end. - The end, it's hard to say. But there you go, long lift flash, you've saved your art, have a nice day. Dave, what achievements you give? - I have three achievements, the first of which is, okay then, I'm going to start kicking air like this. And if any part of you should fill that air, it's your own fault. In order to unlock, okay then, I'm going to start kicking air like this. And if any part of you should fill that air, it's your own fault. You literally kick the air until an enemy runs into your kick, which will happen. It's guaranteed. Next achievement, drowning in pus, in order to unlock drowning in pus in the San Andreas fault level, get six or more octopuses to follow you at once, grinding the game to a halt. And my last achievement is, what would you do for a Klein-ass bar? In order to unlock, what would you do for a Klein-ass bar? Defeat Klein-ass in a jetpack duel, reducing his PNG portrait to a single pixel horizontal bar, thanks to the technology of Mode 7. - Yes, they got some Mode 7 in there. Credits were in Mode 7. - Yeah, they were, which I actually thought was a nice-- - Little effect. - It was nice, except it worked on some of them, but it did, it was like on some of them, it was like, they didn't move the letters back, like one space far enough. - And some of the time it, though, some of the letters would just randomly be capitalized, like Leet's Speak before Leet's Speak. - Yeah. - It was weird. - Yeah, this game is the epitome of We Tried. - Yeah, it's like two people developed it. It was two guys. It was crazy. - Phil? - Yeah, I've got four, despite not playing the game at all. - Oh, I didn't mean it, it's funny. - It's better with me here. First one is Time Snops, which is you drink a bottle of snops and time travel eight hours into the future. - That's easy. - Easy. - Yeah, did that today. - Second one is-- - At work. - Time Flop, which is watch the entirety of Time Cop on the toilet, which can do with Amazon Prime. (laughing) - With commercial breaks. - Yes. - Oh, you got, oh yeah, I didn't have commercial breaks. - Listen, before you continue, Phil, my Amazon Prime lied to me. It shows three, four minutes where the commercials at the beginning, it says, we're gonna show you these commercials and then your movie will continue uninterrupted. - Right, mine lied to me too. - About 10, about half an hour in, it did it again. - Yeah, after the sex scene, it's like, all right, you've had enough. Watch four more minutes of commercials. - Then it'll be on it. - And then it was on it. - And then it was interrupted. - Yeah, same. - What the fuck? - I got the button, but Nissan and Ruffles. (laughing) - Yes. - Thanks, Obama. - Third one, third one is Time Cropped. (laughing) - Now track. - And listen to BC Boys instead. - Nice. - And then the final one is Time Quap, which is a developing version of Time Cop where you have to control Max Walker with the Q-W-O and P letters. - Nice. I would have loved to play that version. - I'll be confused with Time Quap, which is a play it as a New Yorker. (laughing) - Tyler. - I had three. I've got Low Kick Cop. Clear it with, clear level with only low kicks, which I got. Passfist Cop. - I was gonna do Passfist Cop. - Never hurt anybody. - You can jump over everyone. - Yep. - If you're really good, you can avoid that. - And then fuck it cop, where you just, whatever, just fucking get through it. (laughing) I got all three of these. (laughing) - Good set of achievements today. - How much do you guys think this game would be if you were to buy it right now? Loose. How much do you think you'd pay for it? - $4.67. - $4.67 from Phil? - Yep. - I'm gonna go a little higher with $7.83. - $7.83? I like all these numbers, very specific. - Easy to remember. - Mm-hmm. - You're making it way too easy for me. - Say 10.69. - Nice. - Oh yeah, nice. - By that you mean you have to 69 10 times? - 10 times, you get a copy of time cop. - Yeah, it's all you gotta pay. - Get on it. - We pick who you 69 with. - Oh, this game, this got really fun. (laughing) I'd waste 'em though. The first nine just be like, "Ah, that guy." (laughing) And then I get to the 10th and be like, "Oh fuck, will I get to choose one more?" Me? (laughing) I should've just done this from the beginning. (laughing) Actual retail value of time cop for the Super Nintendo. Loose, on average, according to pricecharting.com at the time of this recording, is buckle up into your time car, $32.74. Yance. - Damn. - Holy shit. - How worth it is it? - I'd say not. - Not at all. - And why? - We could. - I mean-- - Has to be super rare. - It has to be. - It has to be very ugly. - Well, you would never connect the movie to the game. For the box owner. - In the box owner. - Yeah. - No way you would. - Also, the game came out. I mean, game came out in '95. I don't know, only a year after the movie, right? The movie came out in '94. - Yeah. - So there wasn't too big of a gap. - That does bring us to the next segment. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Flopsy, what does Flopsy have to say about the game? I think this game had to have been rare. - It had to have been, you think rare or very uncommon? - Ooh. Maybe very uncommon. - 'Cause I'd say if it was actually rare-- - It'd be more than that. - It would be more in the $60, $70 rate. - I remember skin games was rare and it was only-- - I bought it. It was that cheap. - That day you buy it, look at that. - Oh man, but the thing is, it is a bad game and everyone knows it's a bad game. Maybe they just didn't put a lot of them out there. It didn't sell well. - I was about to say that sounds like it because even like a good game 'cause no one wants to go of it will go up in price. So I don't feel like anybody's holding on to this. So that makes me question its rarity. - And I do have a little bit of trivia that might help or might just complicate things. There was a Sega CD version of this game that was planned and developed and then scrapped. So that explains the mocap a lot more. 'Cause it's like, I feel like, oh, okay, this is coming down on the Sega CD. Let's do some mocap that's hot right now. We got plenty of space on this fucking CD. - Yeah, I'd say rare. Phil, do you have an opinion? - Not hard one way or the other. I would have a really, really hard time thinking that this was exceedingly hard to get based on the price. So I'll defer to you guys. It sounds good. - We were deferring to you. - I'm thinking very uncommon. I agree with very uncommon because of the price. I do think in this case, it would have been more expensive. Had it been rare. - Rare. - I don't think many of these were produced. 'Cause it's like this developer developed one other game on the Super Nintendo, which I think was the Speedy Gonzales game. Oh no, I'm sorry, actually it wasn't the Speedy Gonzales game. It was called Super Dany. - Ah, fuck, Super Dany. - Which I think was just a European only release, which makes me think that like, I don't know, JVC was probably like, yeah, we'll do a couple of these. - Yeah. - Can we get the wrong jungle to have Van Dam? No, but we do have T-Moo Cyclops. - That is true. - So we want to-- - I appreciate that. They didn't put Van Dam's face on there. They could have, and knowing that they didn't have Van Dam's mocap in the actual game, they did not use it, sure that was deliberate. - Yeah, they would have had to pay Van Dam a shitload of money. - $12 million. - $12 million. - $12 million. - That's the magic number, people. What do you think, very uncommon? - I'll go very uncommon. - What about the stars? - Oh boy, the stars. - This has gotta be two stars. Two and a half. - I don't know if we decide if it was one or half a star is the lowest. I don't think we've seen anything lower than a one. I don't think we've seen anything lower than a one and a half. - Mm-hmm, this is two and a half for me, I think. - You think two and a half? - I think they gave, I think they were honest and gave it shit, 'cause this is a bad game. - But you don't think it's worse than two and a half? - Well, I'm factoring in the usual generosity here. If we were to give it, if we were doing the star ratings here, I know what we would give it. - I like to add it like a star or a half star. - That's usually pretty safe. - Whatever you feel like at half a star. - Yeah, I was gonna say this is a one star game. I bet I'd say they are one and a half star. - One and a half, okay. - I'll say, yeah, I agree with one and a half. Does anybody remember what they gave Pit Fighter? - Well, I think it was a one star. - That was a one star. I feel like they're gonna, this is a better, don't worry, I got a whole lot of questions for you guys, but I do, for the record, think this is better than Pit Fighter. - Yes, I agree. - Although it does not have a forklift, so. - Nope, a very low forklift. - Although the things that bring you up to levels do look like the forklift. - They do, that is true, but they lift you too high. - They do way too high. - Way more than six inches. - The time commission got reversed. - Whichever was the size. - And she didn't have the stacks of cash. - Jerry's dead, so it's just craziness with the forklifts. So, I'm gonna say two stars, I think this is, I'm. - I go two. - My gut says one and a half, I'll go two. - Yeah. - Yeah, so the half star rule, two stars. - Two stars, very uncommon. Phil, are you good with this? - I'm good with mild objections. I still think it's one and a half, but I'll defer to you guys. - I mean, I could be swayed. This game is pretty horrible. - In honor of Phil, in honor of Phil, let's go one and a half. - One and a half? - Yeah, I'm down. - One and a half, very uncommon. - Not one and a half, I don't have to be on for another year. (laughing) - Crispy. Page turning. Foley. - Okay, time cop. They threw me off because it's one word. (laughing) According to flopsie, AKA, the ultimate, time cop. The ultimate into no guides, bean crop. The ultimate into the guy to the S&S library, 1991-1998 by Pat Contre, courtesy of Monsterable Mike in a shadowing mysterious benefactor. Time cop. Phil, you glorious, glorious bastards. - Oh shit, saved us didn't he? - You glorious man. One and a half stars. - Got it. I'll be on the weekend. - Affelability. - Next week, yeah. - I'm sorry, Ian, availability, rare. - Damn. - Wow, that serves a second rare game. - Missed by that much. It is only our second rare. - Second rare game, yep. - The other rare one is a really good game. - That's pretty rare to get rare. - It is. - It's rare. A rare from rare would be even rarer. - I got a shiny time cop. (laughing) Reflections on this, says based on the Dark Horse comics, limited series, in 1994 Van Dam movie. This licensed property is a strange one to see on the Super Nintendo. A time traveling cop blah blah blah, the plot of the movie. So there we go. One and a half rare. - Shit. - Yeah, so rare didn't even make the list I've been using. Completely missed. - Yeah. Speaking of that list, oh wait, we've still got more things to do for a time cop. - Time to go. - Couple things, just a couple things. - Yeah, double things. - I have a couple questions for you gentlemen. Bottom 100, SNES game. - Easily. - I agree with this. But is it better or worse than Pit Fighter? - It's better. - Okay. - Is it better or worse than Wayne's World? - Party time, excellent. - Yes. - Better? - It's better than Wayne's World 'cause I can beat a level. - Okay. - Could not fucking play Wayne's World to save my fucking life. - I'm kind of there with you. - Yeah, better. - Do you have any mustard? - Great. - Is it better or worse than the Rocketeer? - Better. - I couldn't fucking play the Rocketeer. - With all control. - They are playing Ray Sane. - Same. - Same. - Same. - Same level of bad. - Same level of bad. - I think it's better than the Rocketeer. - I know that if I admittedly did not play this game, time cop, but I know that I could have. - Yeah, control. - That is a good point. - The guy. - That is a good point. - So for me, it's better than the Rocketeer. - I didn't hate completely despise the side-scrolling shooter levels of Rocketeer. - Which, there also are horizontal shooting levels in time cop. We forgot to mention. - Oh, if I get there. - Yep, that exists. You drive a big old, you drive that time car. - Yeah. - You drive it, time for the horizontal shooting stage. - It goes up and down. - And you shouldn't be able to do that in the time car. - Better or worse than Beethoven's second. - Better. - Fuck me, better. - That's a hard disagree for me. - I did better. I know I did better in Beethoven's second than I would have done in time cop. So I'm gonna say worse than Beethoven's second. - Beethoven's second is like, I don't know, I was playing this, when I was doing this list, I was like, fuck man, Beethoven's second was so much better than time cop. - It was. - Time cop is so bad. Is it, is time cop better? Sorry, is time cop better or worse than home improvement, power, tool, pursuit? - I don't know this one. I didn't play that. It's before my time. - Fuck. - 'Cause I couldn't go fucking anywhere. That game was such a goddamn mess. The level design is like, it's-- - I think it's better home improvement because at least I could tell what I was doing and home improvement was just a fucking free for all. - It's a close one for me, but I would have to say, I got more enjoyment out of time cop. So I'll go with time cop. Is it better or worse than T2, Terminator 2, - Better. - Judgment day. - Yeah. - Yeah, I agree. - I also think it's-- - That's my baselines and that's the one, better. - Is it, is time cop better or worse than balls of 3D? - I didn't do, did that do that worse? - It's worse than balls 3D. - I agree. - Yeah. - It doesn't have open wide for chunky. - Yep. - Which is the saving grace. - The clown spewing balls, yeah. - Is it better or worse than Bill Lambier's combat basketball? - I don't know. - Worse. - It's a tie for me, I think. Is time cop better or worse than Cool World? - Cool World. - Cool World. - Oh, shit. - Oh, I guess it's better than Cool World. - I think it's better than Cool World, 'cause I didn't know what the fuck was Cool World. - Yeah, Cool World was so confusing. - Cool World. - That was like all the worst Sierra interactive tropes thrown together for Cool World. - It's almost a tie for me and like, the tiebreaker would be that time cop is a way better movie than Cool World. (laughing) And you actually see boobs in time cop where they're just like kind of hinted at. - Yep. - And Cool World. - Shadows. - Yeah. Is time cop better or worse than road riot four wheel drive? - Better. Road riot was fucking, god damn it. Yeah. And lastly, this could have been a very, very long list, truncated, but lastly, the most important one is time cop better or worse than street hockey 95. - Better. - I agree that it's better. - Let me ask you one. - Yes. - Better or worse, virtual Bart. - And I almost-- - That's what came to my mind. - I almost did a Simpsons game here, but I'm gonna be fucking honest with you guys. Those all blur together for me, except for itchy and scratchy. - Yeah. - Like if you were to show me a screenshot from one of them right now, I'd be like, "Uh, I don't know what game this is from." Also, I thought about adding a Rin and Stimpy one, but I was like, "I don't know the difference between those fucking horrible Rin and Stimpy ones." - All I remember is the fucking gums. - Oh yeah, with the teeth and shit. - Yeah, god. - This one would have been worse than virtual Bart. - Is virtual Bart the one where you-- - The one with the mini games. - The one with the mini games in it. - Yeah, you throw whenever Bart's on the wheel. - Yeah, yeah. Virtual Bart's better. Virtual Bart's not good, but it's better than that. - It's not good, but it's better than that. - I feel like there's more playability in virtual Bart. Also, Tyler. - Yes, Dave. - If you were to give this game a beard that sums up how you feel about it, what kind of beard would you give it? - I would give it the beard of Mad Dog Tannin, when he gets manure dumped all over him. I hate manure beard. - Okay. - The Sloppy Joe. - Good old Sloppy Joe. Like an extra Sloppy. - I heard you kids like I'm extra Sloppy. (laughing) - And then the cafeteria lady just shits on a kid's mouth. (laughing) - Tyler. - Yes, Dave. - If you were to give this game a pair of glasses, what kind of glasses and what? - A pair of reading glasses being shit on by cafeteria lady. - Nice, nice. - Hot, steamy, Sloppy Joe shits. (groaning) - All right. - Yeah. - Time cop. - What do you guys want to do next week? - Well, do you want to do a Home Alone 2? - We getting-- - Is that time? - Is it that time already? - Well, I wasn't sure if it was going to be the election game or if it was going to be the Christmas game. - Oh, Christmas. - Or we've still got, do we have any games on the list? - We do. - I know, and I'm curious if Beauty and the Beast is on that list because-- - It should be. - Yeah. - Let's see, yes, movie games. Oh, Beauty and the Beast is on here. I just missed it. - Okay. So we have Beauty and the Beast. - Beauty and King Dork. (laughing) That was for Phil. - Thank you. - Yeah, yeah. - Super Godzilla. - Okay. - Toy Story. Lord of the Rings. - Phil's come back for next. Lord of the Rings. Lord of the Rings. - Lord of the Rings is a new promotion. - Yeah. (laughing) - That's good. Do they have onion rings at Wings, at Buffalo Wild Wings? - I think so, actually. - I think it's literally so. I feel like the Lord of the Rings fan base is rabbit enough where they could sell you one onion ring for $5. - Oh yeah. All you can eat onion rings with the purchase of, all you can eat wings. - Fried in the finest elven gold. (laughing) - Fried in the fires of Mount Doom. (laughing) - With a Mount Doom collector's clamshell. (laughing) - It's really just leftover from our little mermaid promotion, but you'll never know. I know a dingle hopper when I see one. - It's the Buffalo Wild Wings. (laughing) - So, I mean, I feel like-- - Is that it? - That's it. - That's it? - Beauty and the Beast or-- - And at Home Alone too. So, Beauty and the Beast. - But I say, Lord of the Rings. - Super Godzilla. - Super Godzilla Toy Story. - Ooh. - You wanna just roll a D4 or randomize it or what do you wanna do? Pick it. Any of them calling to you, Ian? - I can-- - Question is. - If you guys are doing Lord of the Rings, do you plan on washing the Lord of the Rings trilogy? That might play a role in when you guys wanna do that. - Yeah, that should be last. And I was just about-- - You gotta watch the whole fucking trilogy. - I think we watched the animated version. - The end of the edition is on Prime. They're four hours each, 12 hours of a token. - It's not happening. - This is only volume one. That's all that was ever released. So, I feel like fellowship is all that has to be watched. - So, is this based on Fellowship of the Ring? - I think the one we know of-- - This is now, this is pre-- - Okay, I was gonna say that can't be right. - But it's based on the first book, Phil, is that correct? - The Balrog is the final boss. You get through that, and then that's the end of the game, and they never made another one. - So, let's just say, Phil, when are you available? And then that's when we'll do Lord of the Rings, because it seems like we need you. - I mean, next Monday is Veteran's Day. I'm not gonna be doing anything that day. My Mondays are pretty darn open. So, I can squeeze you guys in to my busy schedule. - And-- - Anytime. - I do feel like, by the way, the small order of business Mondays are still gonna have to happen, I think, through the-- - Through at least Thanksgiving. - Yeah, because of Thanksgiving. I was thinking about that, too. - Probably back to Thursdays. - But it's not the recording day for you guys. - We were doing Thursdays, and then October was so fucked because of work stuff and obligations, and then it was easy to just do like, "Oh, just fuck it, we'll do Mondays in October." This is great podcasting, by the way. They teach you this in a pot. Like Joe Rogan podcasting master class. Rule number one, never argue with your guest, and just take everything they say 100% without questioning anything. And then number two is discuss your schedule. Some people like Brad from Arizona wanna know when we record so they can help provide supplemental material like, I don't know, emails about the video games that we review. - I understand. I mean, why instant message somebody when we could spend 20 minutes talking about it on the show? (laughing) - I have an email here from Brad from Arizona about Time Cop. - What? - That he wrote us two weeks ago before we fooled everybody. And did Nightmare on Elm Street instead of Time Cop. - He did. - I've already read the first half of this email. - I remember. - I'm gonna pick up on the second half of the email. - Okay. - I'm gonna reread the whole thing. - Not gonna lie, had me in the first half. - Good, second half is better, I guess. All right, no one reviewed time, Brad writes. No one reviewed Time Cop besides Famitsu, which gave it a 20 out of 40, what kind of scale is that, a 20 out of 40, a 40 point scale? And one other website that is now offline and has no archive link. However, Wikipedia said that it's often run for awful games done quick, which is enough to give me an idea of the quality here. EGM2 ran a preview in their October 1994 issue. Next wave, Time Cop, JVC. You are Max Walker, played by Jean-Claude Van Damme in the movie. A time traveling cop who has to stop a series of criminals from altering the time stream. You must use a variety of punches, kicks, and firepower to take down the thugs who wish to alter history. Based on the movie of the same name, Time Cop will be released for both the Super NES and the Sega CD. Little did they know. You'll be able to travel to several different time zones, so you know, you could go to Mountain Time, Eastern Time, Central Time, whichever. Not a really great time travel, but time travel. There's a whole peat and peat about that. Yes, there is. Probably. Each offering unique challenges. Hopefully, these games will be as intense as the movie is sure to be. Oh boy, this is written before the movie. Time Cop is going to be one furious action game you won't want to miss. I just love the fun. EGM, you got it wrong. I just love the wild assumptions. [LAUGHTER] This is Phil. Is this what is called good journalism? I have also been in a position where I've had to fill space. [LAUGHTER] This is journalism. [LAUGHTER] Brad continues. I'm on a deadline, and I've got 500 words worth of content to fill. Yeah. Yeah, I'm sure Time Cop is going to be a good movie. [LAUGHTER] Probably. Uh-huh. Brad continues, everyone knows that the best J C V D movie is Street Fighter. But hopefully you enjoyed this one anyway. Later, Brad from Arizona. Later, thanks Brad. Thanks, Brad. Sorry, I almost forgot your email. And it's Bloodsport. Brought the way. Not Street Fighter. Bloodsport. All right, back to the show. Back to the flow of time that we were in. Yeah, we were talking about a very important schedule. [INTERPOSING VOICES] We'll figure that out off air. Yeah, it's going to be one of those four, listener. Yeah, good. Whatever happens, we're going to publish on Wednesdays, like always. Hell, yeah. Hell, yeah. So thanks for listening, everybody. Find the show on iTunes and Not SoundCloud and Not Stitcher, but on Spotify, all over the goddamn place. Lots of stuff going on, but most importantly, it's Patreon. Money, please. It's working. It's working. Yes, it is. Donate to the show at patreon.com/tadpog. If you want to give us money and make us happy and let us keep having reasons to live. But I will-- Dark. It's for-- But accurate. For as little as $1, it's just a measly dollar a month. You get access to all of our bonus content. We always talking about it, referring to it. A lot of actual plays on there, the Dark Tower Book Club series, where we go through all seven books and the movie of the Dark Tower series by Stephen King. Just all kinds of fun stuff on there. And for a dollar a month, you can have access to that. That's it. No tears, no nothing. Just $1, get you the access. We do have a list of executive producers, which is growing. Hell, yeah. Hell, yeah. I'm going to read the names of these people, because they donate $20 or more per month to the show. And I'm going to start that list with Kubicle Monkey, Gamebug Prime, Nathan Eaton, making a return appearance to the executive producer's list. We once again are happy to welcome Matt Gentile, AKA Gentle G. Thank you so much for joining our executive producer roster, once again. Hell, yeah. Welcome back. Pinball airplane archmage Chris Edler. Sorry you couldn't be on this episode. Derek Pope Sandwich comes on his wife, Jeff Miners. Congratulations on your marriage. Drick Smith, Joey Webster, some guy named-- feet, feel, feel, how can-- Can you guys help me? Hank, Hank, Hank, Hank, Hank, Hank, Hank, Hank, Hank, Hank. I misspelled it. Sandwich Pope, Phil Hawkins. That's me. I am Hank, and Louisville correspondent, Princess Consuela, Banana Hammock, Flavidirect, Taryn Doll, Canadian Turbo Nerd, Thomas-- sorry about that-- and Treft Ditry. Thank you all so much for your generosity and all of our donors, not just our executive producers, to everyone. We're really grateful in this crazy time that you would send us a little money just for doing what we love, so thank you. Yes, thank you. And also, as always, thanks to Brad from Arizona for your email. And that is it for the business section of Ted Pogg this week. Phil, thank you for being on, sir. Yes. Thank you for having me. It has been wonderful as always. I'm glad to hear that, because I feel like we didn't give you a lot of opportunity to talk. I feel kind of bad, because we were real excited about shitting on this video game. I'm here for the movie section, and then, otherwise, I am just live listening to a recon. So it's all good. Awesome. I get first access to this before everybody else. Yes, you do. So how are you guys? Oh, I think it's going to be just going to drive and train that track from the short set of a comm. How do you guys want to close it out? As the smithereens. To the tune of "Time Won't Let Me." You lost me. Me, too. What? Do you watch the movie? Yeah. You make the movies. They have the outsiders in Cleveland. This song, "Time Won't Let Me." I mean, the song at the end of the movie is called "Time Won't Let Me." If you don't know, it will have to pick something else. That's a little no. I mean, we don't have to. I did watch the movie, but it was also kind of like, OK, it's over. All right, time to go do something else. All right. Let's do it as John. Sam did star in the "Smithereens" music video, so there's that. Well, they wouldn't know because they don't watch the credits. They know the song, apparently. Well, also, "Prime" was straight up like, this movie's over. I mean, it was like, it was like, how many of you better press a button in two fucking seconds or we're going to show you something else? Starring's on Claude Van Dan. Double Impact played right after this. That was for me, too, yep. Oh, that reminds me of my final piece of trivia for this. This is one of four movies where Van Dan has played wins or multiple versions of himself. Yeah. Oh, wow. That seems like a lot. People love me a lot. They're going to want to see more of me. So it works for Eddie Murphy. I'll do it. He likes to play himself in multiple movies. Dude, I would love to see a remake of "Christmas with the Clumps," but it's John Claude Van Dan instead of Eddie Murphy. Oh, final piece of trivia. This is the fourth movie to "Knock Forest Gump" from "Number One Box Office" in 1994. Wow. Nice. Forest Gump got "Number One" after "True Lies" knocked it off, after "The Mask" knocked it off, after "Natural Born Killers" knocked it off, but "Time Cop" was the one that buried it in its grave never to come back to "Number One." Wow. "Natural Born Killers" is one of those movies that I haven't seen in a very, very, very long time. Like 30 years. And I, man, I remember liking it when it came out, but I have a feeling that movie did not hold up. It's OK. Isn't it? We watched it recently. OK. That's the equivalent-- It's really great. -- kind of a castle for me. My parents were like, never will you ever watch that movie? Yeah, that's pretty fucked up. Robert Downey Jr. is in that one. And it was really neat to see him in that role again, like back in his earlier kind of post-brat-pack career. I forgot he was in it. Yeah. I was there when the shit hit the fan in Grenada. Yeah, it's been a fucking minute. Yeah, it's a good movie. It still holds up. It's less weird by today's standards. It's less weird, but it's still pretty weird. John Cravinde. All right. So until next time-- [INTERPOSING VOICES] She gets him so good at the beginning of the movie. She said that after he foils the purse snatcher, he said that criminal read my mind. And the wife, she goes, he'd have to with your English. Yeah. I was like, oh, burn. I got in front-- I feel like that was-- Hand me back and fuck me. Yes, ma'am, weirdly. You back and weirdly fucked me to saxophone music. Is Ferris going to be mad? This is one of those few '90s movies where they didn't really bother to explain why he had a weird accent. No, it just-- He just gave him a straight, like, act-walker, bander-in-American name. And you've got a French Belgian accent, and we're not going to talk about it. Yeah. It's pretty progressive, actually. Yes. We're not going to make a video. Both the time it was just like, you are Luke Devereaux, a French Canadian. Yeah. Viva la Quebec. You're definitely an assassin. Come on. Viva Max Walker, coming back. You are an assassin who is just trying to get the good cappuccino. Has Bruce Willis and John Claude Van Damne ever been in a movie together? The Expendables. They are OK. It was like Expendables 2 or 3, one of those. Do they interact with each other, or are they just-- No, they do not interact. Damn, I would learn to see that. They're in the same movie together. OK. I like that you had two movies in three weeks where you had impossible to work with. Viva pre-Madonna Actors from the mid '90s. Yeah. Well done. Well, it's not hard. Given most of the choices of male leads in the early '90s, it's probably-- you know, we should do Steven Seagal next, right? We had a whole plan for that, I think. Still up there. Still on the dog. The lead henchmen from this movie reminded me of Seagal because he had all that weird Native American teeth. And designs on his shirt, he seemed like the henchiest of henchmen. He really did. He was super henchy. Did you ever see Tango in cash? Super henchy. I love that. He was like Karnaugh at the mullet. Yeah. That guy, they pulled him right out of that one. He is-- Did you think they got that future park correct, like the shaped sides with the long on top? Yeah. No. Yeah. I predicted some future things correctly. Yeah, they did. All right, that's it. Bye, everybody. Thanks, everybody. Thanks, Phil. Thank you, guys. Yeah, thank you, man. Bye. [MUSIC PLAYING] Tadpog is hosted and produced by Tyler Holland, Dave Moore, and Ian Chandler, and releases new episodes every Wednesday. You can find them on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, YouTube, and just about anywhere else podcasts are hosted. If you have a question or comment for the hosts, don't hesitate to call us at 270-883-2555 and leave us a voicemail. If we like it, we'll play it on the show and respond. If you'd like to send us something, you can do so at Tadpog Studios, care of Nicole Nance, Theo Box 3785, Paducah, Kentucky 42002. If you'd like to donate to the show, visit patreon.com/tagpog. And with the minimum donation of $1 per month, you will get access to all of our fun bonus content. Join the conversation on our Discord server at bit.ly/tagpogdiscord. Registration is free, and we'd love to have you there. If you enjoy our show and haven't already, don't forget to find and tap that subscribe button so you don't miss anything. Thanks for listening, and we'll see you next week. Phil, start talking a lot. OK, so what can I talk about? OK, that's good. It's like a weird-- Oh, that wasn't very much at all. I just wanted to make sure the software was picking up your lovely voice. I'm glad that it does. Girl, same. Believe it!