Golan-Globus Theater
True Lies (Schwarzenegger, W/ Joe Coleman)
[MUSIC] [MUSIC] [MUSIC] [MUSIC] [MUSIC] [MUSIC] Welcome in going Globes. This is the first time I remember going in alone here. I've got the Mur mattingly bot over here across from me as eyes are not glistening. In fact, he's an ugly motherfucker mattingly. I'm sorry, but you are. I don't know how we're going to do this, but I've got Joe with me today. I don't have all the adjectives and accolades that Murray would have. >> If I hate to interrupt you. >> Murray? >> Yeah. >> What are you doing here? >> Well, that's an interesting story, Graf. You know, if you listened to the last week's episode, which most people didn't. You'll learn that I left the show to bigger and better things. I'm joining the Trump administration, I'm becoming the porn czar. I'm going to make porn in America great again. Well, it turns out I've already been indicted on 27 different charges. But here's the good thing. El Presidente has assured me January 20th, he will pardon me. First thing he does, before he pardons himself, he will pardon me. And I will be free. First of all, witch hunt. >> Witch hunt. >> None of this shit is real. Don't believe the fake news out there. >> What do they got you on? I mean, the last week. >> I'll say anything to try and tear you down. That's what it goes down to. >> Yeah. >> Yeah. >> I thought the last. >> Extra ficking. I don't know. >> No, not at all. You're trying to make porn great again. And by the way, I'm going to make porn again. There's not going to be the, if you're going to do a parody, you got to have a funny pun again. >> Yes. Yes. >> None of this. This is not Judge Judy Triple X. >> Yeah. >> Judge booty. >> It's fucking fun. And I'm happy to say my man Matt Gates will be joining me in this endeavor. He gave up the AG role to help me be porn czar. >> That's why he backed out. >> Charge a barely legal and step family shit cuz that's not my bag. So I said, take over the barely legal. I know you can do it, Matt. >> No, you might not be able to say this, but maybe you can wink at me here cuz I've already got an idea based on a movie we just happen to be recording today. True thighs. Can you help me get that made? >> My God, it's made just for that will get made. >> So yeah, I'm on house arrest. That's why I'm here in the GNG compound. So I figure I would, I mean, first of all, interesting move you did, Graf, trying to replace my beautiful mind with Joe's beautiful body. >> Well, no homo. >> No homo. It was the smart move. >> But you know, it's not a smart move because this is not a visual medium we're doing. >> Well, they can hear his muscles twitch. >> Everybody apparently has heard about Joe's recent tournament that he's been in. Yeah, enough about me, Joe, first of all, with Terminator 2, is that the last time we had you on? >> I believe so, yeah. Yeah, the ultimate Arnold. >> The ultimate Arnold. >> The ultimate Arnold. >> It really is. >> I'm hearing, you know, first of all, if you don't know Joe Coleman is, first of all, fuck you. >> [LAUGH] >> He's a professional wrestler, but now he's doing blood fight now. >> Yes, yes. >> I participated in my first Kumite a couple weeks ago, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu tournament, and to prepare for it, I did a lot of crazy stuff. I wasn't going to be trifled with. >> Did you train in nature? >> I did quite a bit. Yes, in the gym, in the nature, on the mats, I was everywhere for this thing. And you know, some 36 hours beforehand, I was like, oh man, I'm about to be in the fight of my life in this tournament. I don't know what I'm up against. >> Yeah. >> You know what, I got to do what Muhammad Ali did and where he, like, you know, granted I had 36 hours, he apparently abstained for like six months of busting before. >> Yeah. >> That makes sense. >> So, but I told him, yeah, yeah, I told Rachel straight up, I said stay away from me. I don't, I'm going to keep this nut in me for 36 hours. All right. >> [LAUGH] >> And it's going to make me unbeatable. And she's like, you're insane quoting Muhammad Ali for your white belt tournament. And I said, this is serious. I'm not going to nut for 36 hours. And then I'm going to crush everything. And that's the way it's going to be. And then, you know, show time came up and right before it, right before the tournament, I got my weight back up and ate all my food and then I'll watch blood sport. >> Nice. >> And then I was like, all right, now I'm ready to do this thing. And then yeah, went in there and crushed it. So it was pretty sweet. >> Yeah. >> Wasn't enough strong. >> He was enough strong. Joe's always enough strong. >> That's it. >> He had all his cheese. >> And the metal. >> His wife drain is cheese. >> [LAUGH] >> Couldn't, can't allow it. >> The metal they gave you, you showed us a picture of it. Size of a hubcap. >> Oh yeah. >> Fuck you. >> Yeah. >> Spinner. It's got the jewels. It's jewel encrusted. Oh my God. It's awesome. >> It's like, it commands respect. Yet somehow my wife just will ask me to do stuff. And it's like, look, I'm wearing nothing but this metal around the house. You should be doing a lot of stuff. >> Yeah. >> And she says, no, no, you do this. And I'm like, all right, fine. I get no respect. It's just, it's rough. Even. >> Not feels. By the way, I want to thank all the people that were concerned about me leaving. All two of you. I appreciate it. Everyone else crickets. I don't care. >> Do we have a whole lot we need to get into because it's going to be a long episode. Do we want to just get to some movie topics here? >> Or do you? >> We should go into the movie. >> Well, I want to get through a one quick movie topic. >> You were saying this is our special Thanksgiving. It's become a holiday tradition. >> Oh, yeah. >> Joe, come on. It started last year. >> Oh, yeah. What a tradition. >> We love it. >> We go Stallone. It's worse. It's just muscle bound Thanksgiving. >> Yeah. Stallone, you're disappointed me recently, but we'll still watch your movies. >> And we'll let you do that. >> Oh, no. Oh, no. I got to apologize. >> You do have to apologize. >> I have to do. >> A big ole apology to our friend, Monster Mike, Malibu Mike right now, of course, who is also, I'm sure, enjoying no November as we all are. >> I'm not enjoying it. >> Well, the enjoyment is the discipline we're all taking on, so it makes sense. Well, I was hosting last weekend, and we're getting into the early hours of the morning. It's 1 AM, 1.30, and the topic of Rambo comes up. Let's watch Rambo, and I was like, oh, yeah, Rambo, what's the first one called? It's just Rambo, right? And she says, no, it's Rambo first blood. I was like, that doesn't sound right. >> It's just first blood. Is that even Rambo? It's just first blood? >> Yeah. >> Oh, my God. >> It blew my mind. Like, when I discovered that maybe a decade ago, I was like, wait, it's not just Rambo? Maybe this is why I fucked up. So I said, I have a plex server hosted by the great Malibu mic. I'll just go over and type it in there, and I type in Rambo, and I'm like, second blood, third blood. Where's first blood? I did not see it. And so I went on the air last week and said, Mike, what the fuck's wrong with you? Where's Rambo one? >> Brutal. >> And thankfully, Mike is a dedicated listener and messaged me ten minutes after he started listening to it to say, you motherfucker, go look, it is on there. I'm looking at it right now, and so I go type it in, and yes, the error existed between the keyboard and the chair. I fucked up so badly, I am so sorry, Malibu, Mike, your plex server, as always, is the absolute. It's all on me. I fucked up. >> You're a humble avenue, my friend. >> Yeah. I don't know. Well, I hope maybe when he sees true thighs, you know, because it is going to be very ciderus-themed. >> Yeah. >> Pogs everywhere. >> We're going to get some pogs in it. We are going to get some. >> I said pogs because it's true thighs. >> Oh. >> Bad ass white girls. >> Yeah. >> I heard pogs. >> I heard pogs too. >> No, no, no. >> Okay. >> There'll be plenty of hogs as well, but that's not what we're coming to see that. That's not what we're paying to see. >> We're going to get drones in there. RC cars. Have you seen a ciderus movie? >> I don't think so, no. >> Okay. >> Are you the Hawaii castle trigger? >> No. >> Oh, man. You got up. Yeah. That's going to have to be when no nut November is over because you can't watch, it's a dare to feature film and nut a little bit. You got to keep it. Yeah. Shit. It's what makes me powerful. Got to keep it going. >> Speaking of nut inspiration, though, there's a, I know, there's a, there's a childhood crush of mine in this movie. I was put in front of a lot of movies at a young age and one of them happened to be Wayne's world. So I have a big old crush on Tia Carrera. And I want to know who did it for you guys. >> Dude, 1 million percent, like it's, I've been a deviant since I was six years old. There's a problem here. But Tia Carrera, I always thought was really hot because she looked like Psylocke to me. >> Oh. >> Who had to crush on X-Men number one, especially the shot where she's throwing a kick at Magneto and it's just like her crotch. She's attacking him with, did something to six year old Joe. It was a problem. But, and she was always like fan cast dude and those wizard casting calls back in the day. >> Oh, yeah. >> They do an X-Men one. They'd have her a Psylocke. I'm like, oh, they see it too. It's perfect. And then yeah. So are in Wayne's world. I was like, she's magnificent. And then even here just reignited the flame. I was like, oh, Jesus. She is something. She was literally the hottest woman in the world in the early 90s. There's almost no question about it. But to answer your question, the first crush I would say would, I would have said Michelle Pfeiffer as Catwoman and Batman Returns. >> Oh, yeah. >> You are a comic nerd. >> Yeah. Well, it was, she had all that leather on. She licked his face. Like, she grabbed his dick. Like all this stuff happened? >> That happened? >> Yeah. See, I didn't realize that until I watched it like three years ago. I was like, Rachel, you need to see this film. It's fantastic. And like, they got a lot of shit because it was very weird. Like McDonald's wanted to stop sponsoring the movie because of how adult and obnoxious it was in Macabre. And like, there's a scene where like they're on the rooftop because he like throws some sort of chemical that blows up on her arm and she's about to fall, Batman grabs her and pulls her up. And they start doing this thing where they're like, you know, there's the sexual tension and they're about to kiss or whatever and she's just like feeling them up. And then she's like grabbing his side and she goes, ah, there you are. And she grabs his dick because you see his face like, oh, yeah. And then she stabs them on the side with her claws and then he knocks her off the building or whatever. But yeah, I didn't realize that until I was like 30 and I watched this as a kid. And there's even Danny DeVito's penguin when he comes in and he sees, he's a catwoman on the bed and he's just like, ah, just the pussy I've been looking for and like to get him to run for mayor Christopher walking is giving him all these reasons. And at the very end he goes unlimited poontang. These are lies and Batman returns. Their shit happens. Well, I think we know the next movie show is so good, but that's, yeah, I have not seen I might have seen that when I was a kid, but I have not seen it. Gentlemen, we rewatch that it'll blow your mind and like, it's just, I don't know, I ever since then, you know, cat bitches have driven me nuts. So that's not too close to ladies in the dog fetish though, right? What? Joe being into the cat bitches, it's not too close. No, because Joe doesn't want to fuck a cat. Oh, no, no, okay. If Chitaro were real though, I'd hit him. Come on. You wouldn't? Jeez. I don't know what to say about this, I don't know. I'm sorry, Joe. I'm sorry, Joe. Live action should be feeling the magic here in the war, Thunderlats would be loose. Hurry, child of crush. Oh, man, you know, I'm more seasoned older. So I like, you know, I don't know, I love the trashy, a bigger 80s chicks, even a, even as a six or seven year old or six or seven, God, that's what we by doing, if you like Princess Leia or something. Well, that's the point. I guess it would be like that, man. You lived a rough life if it's just like Prince, not that, what's her name is? I'm trying to think. Obviously. Oh, shit. What is her name right now? Princess Leia's. I forget her name. Carrie Fisher. Carrie Fisher. She's a good looking woman. Or like the chick from Buck Rogers. I remember. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, I'm God. I don't remember her name. I've never been to Fairfax, but she was real big when I was at age. Yeah. Yeah. You see, this is why it's good to have our new diverse world because we got our, we got our Tia Correas. Correa. What do I say? Correa. Correa. Yeah. Correa. That's the porn star. Like Asian chick. It's Tia Correa. Tia Correa. Oh, damn. What a name. I love a gimmick. Yeah. We're going to be back. Great name porn star names. How it is, man. Bring the story back. I need the story. I wanted comic accurate Spiderman with fucking in it. You know, that's it. I don't want, I just don't want some bitch wearing a black cat costume that doesn't even look comic accurate, you know, diddling herself in her bedroom, like that's lame. I need black cat on top of the roof, making Peter wear nothing but the mask, getting webbed up. That's what I want. Speaking of, I mean, it was on topic, like there was going to be a James Cameron Spiderman movie back in the day, which was like going to be R-rated and he had a scene where like he'd Web Mary Jane up on top of the Brooklyn Bridge or something, then he was going to fucking plow her. It's pretty wild. Look it up. Seriously. James Cameron. Not his mind. Anyway, sorry about that. You were about. You were about. You've seen any of the comic book porn parodies, a lot of the costumes are more comic accurate than they have. Oh, God. There was a Wolverine one and the saber tooth out. It was like the best saber tooth cosplay I had ever seen. It was like the 90s costume too. I was like, holy shit, look sweet. Right. Well, look, I'm going to make porn great again. Yes. Please. Me and Matt are going to bring it back. Are you doing it? God bless America. No, you're stuck with me till January. Then I'm gone. So just count the countdown begins because they got bigger fish to fry. Oh my God. So I've seen this movie as a kid. I'm guessing we've all seen it in our youth. But first, I was 20 when this movie came out, but I didn't this. You know, I've always said Arnold was my guy as a kid. He was my action here. You ate it when you were a junk club. John Claude was yours. I was Arnold for sure. And I also loved Stallone because I was such a Rocky Mark, but so I saw every eight exception of Conan Barbering so it's too a little, but I saw every Arnold 80s movie in the theater. And then I kind of fell off when the 90s happened. I did not see this one in the theater because this is when we've talked about this often, Joe, on the show, like movie 90s action, every, it turns to two hours, two and a half hours. I want a nice, tight 90 minutes. That is commando on the dot. Movie was great. And look, stunt work was fucking great in this movie. Yeah. School, traditional snow, CGI, blowing, they blew up a fucking island for fuck's sake. They really did. Really? No. What? What he had is believing in James Cameron. Yeah. He's masterful. I could have cut 20 minutes easily off this piece. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, it took me two of you to get through it because it was just like, when you're doing notes, it's exhausting. It took me four hours to do the notes for this movie. There was a lot of pausing. I did. This was his comeback, though, because I guess in your previous last action hero, which tanked for Arnold. It was awesome. I was hoping we're going to review that. We, in all honesty, I love last action hero. We let our viewers decide, so we put the poll up, true lies won by one vote. Holy shit. And I was, I was pulling for an asked action hero, too, because I figured we'd have a lot more fun with that. And I voted on the poll like it was kindergarten cop was the runaway winner for a minute. No, pull the poll, true lies and action are pulled away. And I was trying. I was like, Hey, you guys got two hours left. Vote, vote. It just, it just stayed there. Yeah. Stop the steal. We could have kindergarten cop. Yeah. I don't know. True lies though. It's fantastic. Yeah. Yeah. There were all winners on the fucking list, but I wasn't expecting to walk away from that movie gone. That was a cute movie. Yeah. Yeah. Because that was my overall. Adorable. Yeah. I was like, that was cute. You still the good old days where we could demonize Muslim, you know, they're all. That's a thing. Like this was pre 9/11. So it's really weird to watch to an extent with the whole premise, the whole plot of the bad guys and everything. Yeah. What do you say about it? I'm not used to seeing actual brown villains anymore. No. And I mean, they're on a plane by buildings. Yeah. It was really, really like. What do you say true lies inspired the night of the night of the night? Maybe. I mean, maybe, you know, there's like a little lag of getting media over and over that way, right? So it's like, probably like, yeah, I guess it would be like nine years behind or something like that. My mass off. So maybe seven, whatever it was. And then so let's say it finally got released over there in Afghanistan, bin Laden saw true lies. Yeah. Holy shit. This makes sense. Is Arnold governor at the time? Cause maybe that's why they thought they could strike. Maybe it would be too big. I think he was got became governor in 2003. I could be wrong though. Oh, he's too busy fucking the day or oh for. You're forgiven, apparently, apparently, time does heal a lot of things. So, uh, I don't know what else we can just go into the movie unless I don't know. Yeah. Let's just do it. Do you have any any opinions or how old you worked like 10 when you saw this movie? Yes, actually. I think I actually saw it on or no, I was 11 the first time I saw it was on HBO and it was my 11th birthday. So I was watching it and I remember it was being awesome. And then, uh, and then yeah, I had the Arnold VHS box set, which I still own today, which had true lies in it and, uh, watch it again and around that time. And I was like, this is a sweet movie. Yeah, I was asking Joe, I was like, Hey, do you need a copy of the movies? Like, no, I got one around here. I assumed he was. And then he was like, never mind. It's on VHS. Well, I thought for sure it'd be on one of the 70s streaming services, like it's not, it wasn't even on like to be or anything like that. Oh, was it? Oh, okay. I was going to say maybe. Do you mind Disney plus with Hulu and I thought maybe it got removed from everything because there was, uh, you know, a jihad situation happening in a guy canceled. Yeah. So I will be available on to become January 21st. Yeah. All I can say is I thought Aziz did a good job in this movie. I liked them. Aziz. Uh, Salim. Salim. Salim. Yeah. Aziz. Saliz. Uh, and then scholar going on. Yeah. Oh, guys. He was great. Like, bring back all the villains of every color. I just want everybody in here. Yeah. This, this was a product of its time. It was one of the most American movies I've ever seen. Like, you got away with everything that you can't get away with anymore. It just shows James Cameron can manipulate emotion really well. Like there's the scene where we'll get into it, but it's just you don't see, you don't see this anymore. Yeah. Yeah. I don't know about that. We all accidentally cosplayed from this movie too, because I'm going for the Bill Paxton. I got the Turtle neck on. You know, you know, yeah, I got the Corvette out front. You know, I'm going to go out and find some lonely housewives after that. There you go. There you go. I was going full Arnold as usual. I wish. I wish. And then we have the other Arnold. The bad Arnold. The bad Arnold. How's Roseanne doing? He brought that up. That was his line, because it happened to him from Roseanne, and James Cameron goes with putting that in the movie. Incredible. What was this? The line where he's like, what kind of bitch takes you ice cube? Oh, Roseanne Barr. That's who. Comedian extraordinaire. That explains them. But it seemed like he, he really got over because he was on Roseanne that where he met her, right? Probably. And then that was like, he used her to springboard into his career for a while, and that was it. It's great. We're doing this. They're Thanksgiving episodes. They have a Tom moral Thanksgiving story. Oh, no. All right. You know, Detroit, we're Detroiters, we're proud Detroiters. But there's, there's this certain self loathing we have, like, because everyone shit's on Detroit. Yes. Unreasonably, by the way. Detroit's a fucking amazing city and so much, we have contributed so much to the culture. It's true. So, you know, to the point where it used to be the Detroit Thanksgiving day parade, like we can't have Detroit in it. It's America's Thanksgiving day parade. Bullshit. So I think it was, god, like early night, it was, yeah, it was around this time, I think Tom Arnold married some chick from like Wixom or some shit, some fucking town around here. Oh. So he got to be the grand marshal of our Thanksgiving day parade because of this guy. That's connection. And we were, and we were so happy that Tom fucking gives a fuck about Tom Arnold. And it was just like, come on, have some respect people for real Detroit versus everybody. It's been downhill ever since that. No, we're going uphill now. Well, now we're going uphill, but it's because we try to kill Tom Arnold. He's gone. We haven't seen him in years. Yeah, we banished him. We got divorced. Yeah. It was like, that's it. Yeah. We, we banished him from Michigan and everything's been going better. The line started winning. Yeah. Right. That's right. We got to do this. All right, everybody. Get ready for this trailer. We're going to give you some hard truth on some true lives. Tell us about your husband, Mrs. Tasker. Harry? What can I say about Harry? He's a sales rep for a computer company. My husband is a good man. So you think he's boring? Well, I'm, you know, maybe a little. It's my husband. All right, we're doing a spy movie, which means it's got to be like, "Bond, you got to have that cold opening, hot opening." It is cold. It's a hot opening, but a cold environment. Cold environment. We're in Switzerland. Joe, how do you feel about Schwarzenegger being a spy? Isn't the point of being a spy you blend in? I mean, this guy stands out in every room he enters. There were a couple of points we'll get to where I was just like, "Okay, well, you clearly would see if there was this giant man, whatever, but I, I don't know. I'd like I was saying before we even started recording. I feel like Arnold is a tour de force in this film. He's just a jack of all trades and I'd buy that. He's an awesome spy and he's just got that confidence in Swagger. Yeah, he definitely does have the confidence in Swagger. We got a big party going on here, mansion on. Was it on an ice or it had a moat? Yeah. It must have had a moat because that's, that's sophistication. That's, you know, elegance. That's rich people. Great Gatsby shit right there. You got the fucking moat. Yeah. That's Elon, of course. So yeah, you know they're up to no good. They're fucking rich people. Right. Probably one of those rich people meetings where they got the fucking globe. Remember that? We're Trump and the little guys at the globe. Yeah. What? Remember that? There's a picture of not, it's like, it's like, it looks like, it's like that kinetic energy globe or the sparks touch your finger. It's literally some DC Legion of Doom shit. Holy shit. When you look up the pictures, the lighting and everything and then it's just, they're illuminated off of the fucking globe, they're touching and it's like all these world leaders touching it and it looks like Lex Luthor with everybody else. It was thousand percent of us, yeah. It's intense. So it's where we meet Harry Tesker, our, our, our Schwarzenegger character. He's underwater. There's a gate, there's a gated moat. There is, it's a questionable set up this house, but there's, there's like a gate closing off the moat and he's cutting through the fucking, no, yeah, he's under water with his equipment, cutting through the gate to make a little, he's fitting through that fucking wall. See, this is the, this is the problem with Arnold as a spy though. He can't, he's not a, yeah, he's not a chameleon. He can't squeeze in a little places, you know, Glen Powell, he's gone. Goddamn it. Glen Powell could have walked, Glen Powell would have walked in the front door. They'd be like, who's this fucking meat chunk? That's someone, were you under the bridge or you get your butthole war, or are you gonna fuck some, you know, fat bitches or something? What's going on here? Fucking Glen Powell. Don't bring him up. Don't bring him up. He's going to be the star of the running man, you heard me? Oh my God. We boot. No. We went from Arnold to fucking Glen Powell. That does piss me off the rebooting running man. I forgot about that and now I'm just, my day's ruined. It's got to suck. It's got to suck so fast. No one will go see it. It's going to be all CGI'd. So we see he's in contact, his man, Tom Arnold, Albert Gibson, Gibson, Gump Gibb in the movie. And him, and this is a show that not all brown people are illegal. We have one brown character working with, Joe, your personal caller. Thank you. You're very tan. Yeah. Did you, did you find any of this offensive at all the way to these people? No. Get out that once. We're like, hey, not all Muslim people are bad. We got one working for us. I mean, we kind of did need that because Arnold's job when we see him at work, all he does is look at brown people and go. He goes through the whole database and he's just looking at pictures of, you know, Middle Eastern's going, oh, I don't know about this guy. Well, when you're working for a mega sector, last line of defense, that's what you're defending America against. Yeah. So they're in contact, facile's taking a whiz out the side of the truck, Tom's got the wall of monitors, typing shit up. That's right. And after he's done with his little swim here, he's got to take off all of his gear. Like, how did nobody not know what he's not even trying to be like, hi, he pops up. He knifes through the eyes. Yes. And then he just like merges through like a fucking like whale going like reaching. And this guy's walking out. The dog doesn't even know what his dog doesn't even notice. No, he's that good. Yeah. He's just that good. I know I was getting vibes up. Dirty dozen when they take the boat in. Yes. Good call. So he gets out. He just finds like a boat house. He hides. He puts in his little earpiece so he'll even touch with gibbed gadgets, you know, rips off the wetsuits. Got a fucking dinner white dinner jacket and the fuck see, you know, hair perfect hair perfect. Yeah. That's immaculate immaculate. So he's ready to sneak in. That's all right. And, you know, they're trying to, they're doing like the matrix that opening scene where they can actually see him somehow. They're like, all right, go in the side door and yeah, take that, take that tray of champagne glasses into the, and then you'll get in here. It's like, how do they know all this? They just have binoculars out in the van and they're able to like, yeah, yeah, the duchess. Thank you. Because they're spies. They got satellites are seeing shit. We're not seeing them. Don't. Yeah. It's true. So he walks into the kitchen, rails off some French to the, of course, they chef is French. Right. Yeah. Like I said, chameleon tour de force. Yeah. Just hearing them speak different languages sounded so natural. Right. This wasn't even like, this was just Arnold walking into the set. He didn't realize he was shooting a scene. He just walked in. He starts cutting up the, the shafts like, I like my steak rare, you know, my, my prayer. And he just continues to walk just one long shot of Arnold just going around, bingling. He walk. He notices his target. Khalid. And she's talking, he's talking with Juneau. Juneau Skinner. It's a bad last name to go with that. Yeah. Everyone's crushed to your career, and so he's like, all right. Now my true target is they need to get some files from the gateway computer. Of course. I mean, he could have just, yeah, I guess this is network connected. That's the only way this makes sense because he could have just taken the hard drive out. But I guess they didn't want them to know that. Yeah. Yeah. Got to do spy shit. He's got to find a private room, but it's also got to be the private room under the room that he needs to be in. So he's got to do some balcony climbing and man, he just like reached up and just pulled himself with one arm. And this is why you get Arnold. Super athlete. I didn't think he had that. Jack. You can just do whatever you want. I didn't think he had that kind of upper body shred. Michael Myers. You know what? He did. He did. Your Michael Myers movies gets in there, finds the gateway, plugs it in. He's like, all right, of course it's going to take, it's like, it's like tracking a tracing a call. It's going to take a certain amount of time. That's right. That's right. Keep it on the line. Keep it on the line. It's like, oh, nobody calls in because this is the early days internet dial ups. Nobody calls in when we're downloading the shit or we're far. Was this the first version of Windows two? And it was like, it had like Middle Eastern writing on it too. So it was like, man, already. Yeah. It had the Windows logo. Yeah. Yeah. I think it was Windows 93. I don't know if that's the first one. I think it was just called Windows and then you had Windows 95. Windows 95 blew it up. Blew it up. That's for sure. Salater people. It was like, holy shit. This is here to stay. I like. Joe, Justin back. This Windows 95. You're gonna blow up. Boom. Then AOL shows up. Mom. AIM. Invest in this Windows 95 stock. Me, my screen name, HBK, Josie. HBO. Of course he did. It was 1999. Give me a break. Yeah. He's a big fan of Josie from Kid Rock. So florries these files are encrypted. So for seal and an Alberta like, give us time. We need time. We need time. Yeah. We're gonna hack it. Okay. It's okay. He can't sneak into the room but he can sneak out of the guarded room because he just walks out of the room after he does that. He doesn't go back down, which you think he would. Right. You think he would. You know what? Because he acts like he owned. That's what you're at confidence. That's it. That's it. People will let you do whatever you want. That's right. And so he lets himself out the door and there just happens to be a guard walk by and he pays close attention, starts radioing in and Arnold sets up to two of them in, you know, some language. He's like, I was looking for the Shitter, you know, in German. Yeah. Do not go in there. Whoo. Did the Ace Ventura. That's even really goes because that guard knows it's not a bathroom. Yeah. He's probably calling it in to say. Yeah. One of the guests. Clean up crew. What is the drug that you can't, you lose your bowel control? Is it the amphetamines when you hit them too hard? Yeah. I don't know, man. Well, that's what they say. Trump's on and then he always shits himself, but that just might be because he's full of shit. President, hey, his drug. So it goes down. He sees Juneau. Beautiful woman's got to talk to her because she's they have like all this Persian art everywhere. Right. And he's just, he's had a comment down to show that he knows his Persian art. Yep. And he's got some of the features titty nipple. And of course Juneau's like, I see, you know, you're a breast. Those are the two parts of a breast, it nipple. My shit, man. They're talking outside the guards, notice the fucking, they see the knife cut through the eyes. So I guess not natural. I used to be broken. Right. They probably found a wetsuit just hanging out there too, you know, footprints, you know, giant flip flop prints or whatever those are called scuba flops flipper fins flipper fins. What are you barking at? Why is she barking? So Harry, he notices, he knows everybody in the world. She's like, I got to create a diversion, start playing a tango. Oh, yeah, you got you got ale chiming in. Hey, man, you got no time to tango. He's like, there's always time to tango. I'm going to cash in my tango. I don't get it. What was that? Cash. Oh. So everybody's like, wowed by his Arnold train for six months into this scene. Because like you say, he's a turn to force. Absolutely. He's in halfway anything. And we saw none of his feet, so we don't know what the fuck he was doing. Oh, man. But he was like, he was like, put his hand on her neck and was just like, he knew that's what she wanted. He knew it. He sensed it. He sensed it. Here's my card. She gives it to her. She's like, you need any antiquities. Come look for me. That's right. So all right. We got it. We got everything. We're ready to fucking bug out ditch the bitch. Yeah. So Harry's like, Albert asking Harry, how do you plan to get out going to walk out the front door? This is the most Arnold thing ever. I did like that moment because of the crack in the ice. They're starting to alert everybody. And Arnold started to walk out the front door and they're like, Hey, wait a minute. You're a little. I mean, Tia pointed it out. Juneau pointed out. I thought it's going to be another boring billionaire Epstein, Elon party and this talk got broken. Arnold massive walking around. Yeah, exactly. Looking fucking great, you know, just, oh, I want to walk out guard stops him. He just pulls out his little debt and everything. So he did plan a bomb too by his wife. Yeah. Boom, gigantic explosion, knees guard walking out the front lawn and we get our first very long action scene here. Well, first two Dobermans run at our boy. Notchalantly his turns around, times it perfectly grabs them both by the neck and clunks their heads together. And this is again. I wanted to say this is where James Cameron, just a master of manipulating emotion because for a moment, our hero Arnold had a little bit of heat with me. Yeah, he was going to be attacked by the dogs, but he noggin knocks them and here I'm going, oh, I'm like, oh, he can't be his dogs. But then afterwards, just to get you back on Arnold's side, they show a shot of the dogs. I'm looking sad. They're not dead. They're fine. Yep. They were just like, we trifle with the best. That's it. That's it. He goes. Yeah. So then he starts running down a hill. We get the goons on the fucking skis chasing him on the snowmobiles. He's just sliding on. They've changed the rendezvous point. It's now they're, you know, Albert and Steel are careening down this fucking road. But they have like a shitty van and it's iced over. So, you know, it's... They got to see they got the Amazon van. They just mix them. They fill right in. That's right. And once he's an Amazon van, they don't think anything. Yep. You can be doing anything in an Amazon van parked wherever you want. And people will be like, I might be getting a package, so I just got to be cool. Yeah. So Harry's just shooting, killing all these fucking skiing motherfucker, gets to the bottom of the hill. Microwave timing. They're waiting, they're waiting for him. Jump in on the next episode. It's a James Bond opening to see what we see what he's capable of. Yeah. Music cues not as strong as the James Bond, you know, they were one and done. But it would have been cool if they had, because they have a scene when Arnold's getting in. And he tells Albert to lean back and then he shoots two more people like through the van. It'd been kind of cool if they had the dah, dah, dah, dah, dah, dah, dah. Kind of score. Yeah. Something there. Back in the States. That's right. I can D.C. The home base. We see that unlike James Bond, who's a lifelong bachelor, our man Harry, he has a family. He's covered as he's a salesman, so he's constantly a software salesman or something. I don't think he even uses that word. He's like, I love the computer business. One point. Yeah. I love computers. Gateway, Windows 95. We see the relation. Not yet. Not yet. It was in production. Well, they, he's gotten the prototypes. Ah, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's like cars. You get the year ahead. He's a super spy. He's got everything before everyone else gets. He's an insider. So we see the relationship between him and Albert is Albert is like guy who fills out the paperwork and does all that shit while fucking Harry's kicking ass. Right. I got all your shit set up. The receipts and everything. So your wife thinks you were at that convention and they say, thank you. It's very good. And they say, Oh, Albert, it's got the wedding ring out. Oh, yes. Thank you. Goes in the house greets his wife, played by Jamie Lee Curtis. Helway. Dead asleep, by the way. And so she turns over to like give him a kiss and he just kind of was like, yes, yes. Go ahead and kiss me and go back to bed. So the next day, we meet his daughter, Dana, played by Eliza Dushku. Dushku. I wore my name, by the way. Yeah. Is it? Yeah. I think it's Eliza. Eliza Dushku. Not fun fact. She was molested. Yeah. Oh, no. It's shit. Why'd you? Ah. That's the one fact I do about the movie. Oh, man. That sucks. Yeah. Classic '90s kid, Doc Martin's flannel shirt. It's still '94. Kurt Cobain's going to be alive for another month. So we're all embracing the grunge. Yeah. You know, she's listening to fucking cream for some reason. Yeah. Yeah. She's got a ratty little dog that she hangs out with. Yeah. Dad got her a snow glove because he knows Switzerland. Right. And of course, he's like, didn't throw us in the trash. What does a teenager would do? She's supposed to be 14. Yeah. Oh, yes. We're seeing he's talking, Helen's talking about what was going on while she was away. We see that there's no spark in their marriage anymore. Well, she's a dork. He's a hunk. She's a dork. So, you know. He's playing a dork, too. He's trying to play a dork, but he just can't phone it in. He's just like, I'm a fucking spy. I was doing the tango last night in Switzerland with Tia. Right. And she's sensing that. Of course she is. She's still thinking about Tia. What's going on about how hard the house has been, she, you know, the plumbing's all fucked up. We all know about fucked up plumbing. And she's like, yeah, they want a $600. And he's like, oh, yeah, that's terrible. That is it. It's extortion. All right. What are you gonna do about it? I slept with the guy. I got $100 off. And he's like, that's great, honey. Kisses are on the head. Pat's her. It's like going to sleep walk if there was a lie. Yeah. Alberts there to pick him up. I'm glad they car cool, you know. Yeah. Perfect. Perfect. Griff move here. Knacks twice. Then just let's himself in. Right. And perfect. Griff movie hides a camera. Yep. I've got the lucky strikes looking at both of you guys right now. That's why I'm wearing my shades. Right. So we get the scene where he shows off. He's like, hey, check this out. He's got, he's got the day lifts on glasses. He's like, put these on. Yeah. And he's like, and then Harry sees that he's partners and alien and freaks them out for a minute. But we move on from that. He was seeing that his lovely daughter, Dana, his little angel is stealing from him. Stealing from Albert goes in steals. Not from Albert. She's stealing from, uh, supposedly it's from Albert, you know, and Harry's like, I didn't have a razor to be this way. I was talking to her and he's like, the Alberts like the most understanding. He's been through shit, man. He's married. Oh, yeah. He's five or six times. And he's like, this is what kids do this chill, you know, and she's like, see you later on the stage and jumps on her fucking boyfriend's moped and they take off. That's right. Um, so we get the conversation and Albert again, trying to reason with Arnold, but it's so weird because he's like, your daughter's how old now? 14? Yeah, she's fucked. She probably is stealing to get an abortion and not my daughter and he's just like, look, she's not your daughter. She's Axel Rosen, Madonna's daughter now, because those were the big names at the time. So I think Madonna was kind of falling off by that time. But yeah. And he's like, you know, it's not like what we grew up, you know, get your fucking it like fucking five now and Madonna had just starred in, uh, Avita around this time. So she wasn't falling off. She was a big deal. Yeah. She wasn't big. No. Oh, she moved on to the, uh, she's in that second part, the lady Gaga part of her career. No, she got into acting and all that, you know, reinventing or something. So they go into this, um, area, it's the Omega sector. This is super secret. Yeah. Last line of defense. Right. This is, uh, this is like, get smart level shit where they have to go under a secret, you know, a refrigerator that is an elevator and all that kind of shit. Don't go hallway. They're getting x-ray. They got the retinal scan, the palm scan, you know, they, the woman at the counters got her hand on a gun just in case. Yeah. That's right. It's a real fucking shit, guys. So they go through and they just worry, meet the boss, Trilby, Trilby, Spencer Trilby, played by Charlton Heston. Oh, shit. Channeling Nick Fury. Absolutely. Got the hundred percent. He looked intense. He looked sweet and he's just chewing them out over the botched mission. They just dig. They were supposed to be, you know, in and out. They weren't supposed to have all this shoot out. Yeah. They exploded everything. It was like when you were a kid playing the Golden Eye game, which, you know, you're supposed to be a spy and all that, but you ended up just shooting a thousand people and blowing everything up. He really did take the video game approach to his mission. And on top of it, the data that got was pretty weak. They're trying to nail Khalid because Khalid is the financer of all the terrorism in the world. Right. And, but if you think we got news either, they're looking for nukes, you know, so we got to watch out for that. So now that the meeting's over, we see that if the seal's got a new lead for them to look into an Albert and Harry are going to go meet with June. Oh, yeah. That's their new lead. Yeah. Well, yeah. I guess it's like the old lead, but it ends up being they're like, yeah, she's got a connection to them. Yeah. Yeah, because the cover is, Khalid is buying art from her, but he's really sneaking shit through her business. Okay. So he goes to meet her Harry and he's like, Hey, some people suggested you were the person to see about this shit. That's his cover. Cause he, cause she didn't know what he did and Switzerland and he's like, I'm an art collector. Yeah. So she explains this is, now this is why we're using her. She has international diplomatic immunity. She can just, her shit doesn't get searched. They bring in and out of the import next we're out of the country. So that's why the, the crimson jihad is using her. Right. I mean, it makes sense. And of course, her thing Persian artifacts, which you have to be able to get on the ground, hold cities buried. So they're going to talk some art and while they're going through, this is where we get to see our first little glimpse of Salim, isn't it? Yeah. Yeah. And he just appears to be one of the grunts because it looks like a vault from Indiana Jones. The wooden packaging crates and everything. And no one else seems to be bothered by this giant hunky spy who just walked in. You know, Juneau, Mr. Olympia. No big deal. Yeah. Juneau's used to, you know, sexy guys looking her way. But Salim, he's got, you know, he's got an eye for these kinds of things. So he takes special notice of Arnold and, you know, we get that kind of, that zoom in on his face of like this guy knows, even though he looks to be a grunt, he knows. So we go back to, you know, I guess this is after they've parted ways and everything. But this is one of the most intense scenes. This is why T is one of the greatest actors of all space and time because holy shit, this looked intense. You know, I get ever again, everybody's yelling about the Mike Tyson slap and all that stuff. People need to talk about the T of fucking slap. Hell man. Like, you, again, James Cameron manipulating the emotion immediately. Salim had so much heat with me for slapping that angel. And I know she's a bad bitch in this movie, but it wouldn't stop me for dying for her. You know what I mean? He slaps her. I am so pissed off immediately, like I was enraged. Almost turned the movie off. That's it. But like, that's, that's a sign. You can't do that kind of stuff in movies anymore. You never see, you just never see it, dudes. I'm not saying you should, but you never see it because it just, you know, someone might emulate that kind of thing, but yeah, it's crazy. It was so different to see, especially, yeah. You're just kind of going along with this movie. And that was, I mean, the dogs see definitely hit you a little bit. Yeah. Yeah. But that scene, I was like, what? Yeah. Fucking made my heart jump. I was just like, what the fuck just happened? It was just a snapshot of our culture at that time, like you could get away with all this stuff in the movie. And I think it's, it's entertainment. So I think it's totally fine to be able to show something like that because you've got to believe this is the worst kind of freaking guy, the biggest heel in the world. You want to see him. You got to put that heat on him and nothing's going to get you more heat than slapping Tia Carrera. Exactly. Who we are like, oh wait, where does she stand on this whole thing? She just got the shit slapped out of her. So I can imagine where she feels about these things. And I don't remember. She had like a line after it. I can't remember what it was, but oh man, you insolent flirting whore. That's when the elevator, yeah. So we know who our bad guy is. It's this guy because he just slapped the shit out of Tia and you know, she's happy that she's getting paid, but you know, it's not going to feel good to get the shit slapped out of you. No. And of course he's pointing out we're under heavy surveillance and you just got some fucking giant, hunky dude just walks right in like, what the fuck's wrong with you? And he's immediately suspicious of Harry. So he's get a foul Harry and meanwhile, Harry's out, you know, working with the boys and he gets a call from the wife and she wants to make sure that he gets home by eight o'clock tonight because it's his birthday, Harry's birthday. Right. Dana and Helen are bacon, a cake, they're going all out for this shit. I mean, Dana's letting the dog lick the spoons that she's using to... She's a misunderstood teenager, you know. So I promise I'll be there, no, but she didn't, you don't care. I was just waiting to open some terrorist shit breaks out, didn't have to go home. So I was saying, I was telling Murray before, I was like, if they remade this movie, it'd be three hours and they would have established that actually Arnold is a good dad. Arnold's not a good dad. No, he's not a good husband. He's not one bit. And I think that's one of the most interesting parts of this movie is that we love Arnold and yet he's a step below Celine slapping the shit out of Tia. He's emotionally abusive and distant. Wait, I will learn the emotional abuse later on. Yeah. This movie's fucked, what do you think about it? Jamie Lee might not be rocking his world though. So I mean, Helen might be, he also has to go out there and get his own, you know, jolly some other way. That's why he's Walt, you know, doing a tango with Tia. Well done, you divorce. Probably. You got to work on it. You got to work on it. They do in this movie. They rekindle the romance. I mean, we don't know how long they would just... Hey, Dana Arnold's needs. That's it. That's it. That's it. The needs are met to get exactly what she wants. That's it. It's the trickle down economics of being married to Arnold. You gave him what he wants and the results trickle down. They trickle down. I have him trickle on you. I have him trickle on you. I have him trickle on you. Yeah. Yeah. So as they're driving home, Albert's like, yeah, we're getting tailed and you can clearly see it because it's, you know, guys, you know, round people. So he's like, you know what I mean? It's no brown people in D.C. No. Not at all. And he's like... Arnold, of course, he's a super spy, so he's like, I've got a plan. Gets the sunglasses out at night and then he gets the pack of cigarettes. He takes one out to prove that it is a pack of cigarettes, pops it in, tries to take a puff, coughs on it. Of course he doesn't smoke. His body's just temple. Body's a temple. I don't know. He's like a big cigar guy. It's different. It's different. It's like weed. He doesn't affect your lungs. That's right. You know that. So he's like, yeah, he's looking totally conspicuous because he just, they stop the middle of the road. He just gets out and then just walks into the like a mall. That's how it works in D.C. Man. You just stop wherever you want. You get out of the car. He's almost getting hit by cars, right? And I think Celine picked up on it because he sends his two goons. He's like, I'm staying here. You two take care of that motherfucker. Right. Did you notice one of the big, coarse, I noticed he was jacked. I was like, this guy's gas to the gills. All right. But did you notice he's wearing a similar jacket to the punk rock jacket? Yes. Yes. Yeah. He went into the techno bar or whatever it was. So Harry goes into the bathroom, but another spacious bathroom, movie bathrooms are unbelievable. Huge. Huge. Yeah. No, this bathroom is so fucked by the way because did you notice the urinal placement of it? Well, I know there was like the hallway where there was the stalls in the urinals. The urinals are set up in the middle of it. So you walk by that traffic. So there's wiener happening there. You want them against the wall. You don't want them in a walkway. Yeah. Because then you're going to be, there's going to be some wiener interaction happening there. That's not the point of a bathroom. All right. Port. What's that? Airport bathroom. That's the point. Airport bathroom. I mean, everything about an airport is there to just like make you question why you're alive. So he goes to take a leak. We see a little old guy dropping a do's making all kinds of noises. Yeah. And keep it down. Quiet. I tried to pee. Well, I have an urinal bowel syndrome out there. Well, or guy's shitting in a public bathroom is kind of like old guys at the gym or whatever where they just strip naked like they're oh, geez, so beyond comfortable with themselves. They're smells walking around the locker room like standing at the urinal. They're wearing nothing but flip flops like, what the fuck are you doing? I've seen it. That's not even hyperbole. I've seen that. I'm like, what the fuck, dude? I don't know. I don't know. It's like, yeah, we've all seen it. We get it. We can be adults about it. Why is it the most unattractive people are the most comfortable being naked around people? They just want to shove it on you like you. You look good. You look terrible no matter what, so here it is, eat it, just fuck it, eat it up. So there's like a right average sized goon with a gun and the jacked goon with a knife. Billy Jack goon? Billy Jack goon. And the buff goons goes after sports scenario. Yeah. Full on position can be peeing. Yeah, he's got his dick out. It starts. It's hard to stop. You know, so yeah, he might get pee on this fucking quest trench go yet. Oh, that would be embarrassing. You'd have to go home to his birthday party with piss all over himself. So fight breaks out, they're going back and forth. Gun fire just it's piercing into a whole man shitting stall. It's blowing it all up once you start, you can't stop, you know, that's even your worst position. Yeah. You're just like, God damn it. I got a wife. You're not going to go up. So they're like destroying this bath or ripping urinals off. Yeah. I think Arnold somehow get the hold of the one guy's going to make some shoot himself or shoot his partner and that always got to go hand to hand with the jacked goon. And there. Rips a fucking hand dryer off and smashes and I'm only good use for a hand dryer. I hate that. Oh, yeah. I mean, you're just getting poop air on your hands. Never use them. Yeah. It's a cycle of poop air. It's disgusting. Oh my goodness. So he bonks him with the fucking hand dryer and that's, that's it. That's when Celine. So like these guys are fucking it up. We still have the earpiece, you know, and Arnold and Elbert's trying to contact him. I lost track of Celine. And so Celine just happens to show up in the bathroom and he's also got a machine gun or AK. He opens fire. Yep. Arnold. God damn it. You would think this man is six foot something and fucking jacked up Chippendale dancer. But no, he's slippery as a goddamn eel because he somehow oozes his way into a stall and now we're doing like the kick each stall open tension. And next thing you know, Arnold just slips under the stall just flies out under it, grabs his gun and you know, is able to fire back on Celine who just makes himself, you know, disappear. We're showing what a coward's Celine is because he just turns tail and bronze. Oh yeah. Live to see another day. So Albert tries to stop because Albert's going to come in and help Harry. Celine's open fire on him. Albert hides by the lamp post somehow deflects every bullet. Yeah. We get the nice comedic bit where he's checking everything and then he grabs his dick and Oh God, maybe one day I'll meet Michelle fight for so Albert's like, I'm going to get in the car. I'll chase them. I'm tired of that. Celine just throws a guy off the fucking motorcycle takes off on it. Arnold just happens to spot a mounted policeman stop in the name of the. I'm coming. I'm calling the horse. Now. It's a car tee throws the cop off jumps on it takes off he's got so we have one horsepower versus how many horse power with the motorcycle at least 350. He's catching up. I don't know how this is happening. I guess this is that busy draft. Yeah, that's a good call. So they're going through a park in shit they're cutting through hotels. They've got in our cool hotel. We've got the two different see through you know glass elevators or whatever. So we see the same command also he's not going to rip off the the elevator. Oh yeah. That's right. Celine just parks his motorcycle in one of the elevators and then Arnold goes to yep gets a hostage. Arnold goes into the other elevator squeezes in on his horse. This is so ridiculous. I like this. Great. Rich bitch like the horses has a slap in her in the face horse pisses on her. It's a bunch of horseshit landing every building in this movie is under construction. Did you notice that? Oh yeah. They're going to the top floor which is under construction. And of course Arnold's like a couple floors behind him because he got in later. So Celine is like he sees like he's trapped. You always say this in movies if you're being chased. Always go to the top floor. Always go to the top floor. No. So Celine was like thinking like man he sees another building. I think I can do this. I think Muhammad you know I was with me man and so he fucking I got to say I was impressed with the stunt work in this movie the great green screen because I was having a hard time seeing what was real and what was fake you know because I mean that was insane. Was Jamie Lee Curtis really hanging from that fucking helicopter because it looked like it definitely did. No he just flies off Ghost Rider style and then Arnold's like he's supremely competent. Yeah. He's like I can do that with a horse. And again James Cameron master of emotion because I'm watching this and I'm like no don't try that with the horse. You're going to kill the horse. I know and exactly exactly but I was freaked out but this is showing that Arnold his value of other life aside from the dogs which he very gently did he's like yeah this horse can do it. And he doesn't give a shit about his family at home either he's like if I die die it's alright it's fine but he's he's in it for the thrill so he backs up horse starts running and the horse like fuck this you out of your mind Arnold flips off the horse he's hanging there and he's like go back go back horse pulls him back up he's like damn it and of course he gets up and he scolds the horse we're not willing to risk it's fucking life for the yo I'm a horse police horse yeah you sort oh I'm going to jump from to another building yeah it's going to get a dishonorable discharge for that horse alright Harry returns home we got Helen sleeping and oh oh she's asleep in the in the dining room just right by the cake there. The presents all this stuff whole nine yards right exactly honey something suddenly came up yeah back at work the next day Harry's going through all the fucking brown people file exactly nine nine nine yeah you see Salim and he's like that's the guy it's got to be the guy the world famous terror he is the Michael Jackson of terror he really needs the Crimson Jihad sounds like a really cool faction cobra the Crimson Jihad oh yeah yeah more a cool like punk band or something it sounds sweet as fuck yeah I could be a dread knock for him oh there we go now we're talking so he could he gets the dot matrix print out it looks awful and he's like he goes to Toby he's like this is the guy this is the guy we're going to get him he's like great where is he somewhere we're going to find him it's like cool that guy's in Paris he's in Africa he is in North Dakota like he's not going to be in DC so Harry he's going to do it but first he's got a big mission he even sees he's like I got to make sure up but I'm going to have one yeah now showing up on your own birthday party it's too much I'm gonna but he's like supremely confident like when he's talking with Albert he's like like get her back oh yeah take her out to lunch and she'll be fucking kissing my ass yeah we're gonna take her out to lunch buddy oh apple bees is having like a discount today I got a cool for one cool but two for twenty it was probably like two for fifteen back then it's all you can eat riblets months yeah riblets he walks into her office and unbeknownst to Helen she's sitting at her cubicle talking with her like co-worker right she's like a legal secretary yeah and she she gets a call right and this to me the guy steals the phone don't actually always steals every movie oh yeah why I'm cosplaying Bill Paxton tonight as Simon the spy yes and he's like I need you can you meet me up immediate like so-and-so yeah we're here just one side of the conversation uh Helen's friends like Simon's on your phone she's like oh my god the mystery man the mystery man I'm not Albert Harry's hearing this he's like hiding in a cubicle yeah this this was the scene where I was like how did her co-worker not see this gigantic human being who is standing right there yeah right oh my husband is mr olympia by the way um casting this shadow across the whole fucking office because he's blocking out every fucking light above them just hiding somehow behind a cubicle yeah don't notice so yeah she you just hear yeah you want me to meet you there oh okay I can meet you there in an hour so she's she's fucking excited about this whatever it is so is the cold you think get some of that dick from me on it yeah I better believe that's right and Arnold just hanging out there in the hall how does he get out of this situation he turns towards a cubicle and like picks up geeky magazine or something nobody notices him nobody that's why he's a spy right he knows what he's doing batwell back in 94 six foot three olympians you know diamond does that's why Chippendales is dead now everybody got short I don't know what to say about that maybe maybe the right's right so he is just devastated he's in he's just the stupor walks back to the car and Albert's like what's going on bud you you got that long-faced expression did your wife like cheat on you or something that's okay yes and he's like yes welcome to the club because now they have something like bond with because Tom Arnold's a glob of shit right right Arnold's never been hurt by anything in his life so something is finally finally pierced him this is gonna be great he's like stop cheering me up he's like bro he dropped some fucking truth them on yeah so she just flies your blood she's a woman she has needs and you're never there never not like in no not november is all your love it's only a matter of time for you to cheat on you and then he drops his line where he's like look I've been married 20 times all right the last time she took the fucking ice cube trays what sick bitch takes the fucking ice cube trays apparently was in bar yeah that's good so like bro let's just kill some people or something let's just go do a little bit of America fuck y'all over everybody I mean come on yeah like he was already in it to win it this is I don't know it's throwing him off his game there should have been some bad spy shit happening here I guess there's well there would be if it was a movie now to get that three hour yeah yeah sure but now we're going into act two which is like you know a good chunk of this movie dinner time at the tasterhouse very tense because now he knows what a whore his wife is what are they eating for dinner here I didn't even notice we're used to him just having like a giant sandwich and here we had like the green beans out probably a mashed potato it's very American what did you do to day Helen and she's like well you know I put the color code of the tabs you know it's her boring fucking she was so excited to hear her husband finally ask her how her day was yeah couldn't know she's lying about everything yeah he thinks he you know he he knows something he thinks he caught her but she is so excited this is how we know that she's still in love with him because she's like I I've been waiting for you to ask me how my day was and you're right he's not even picking up on it because he's all about him yeah he's got she's got every conversation from work remembers she's got the everything about the color coding she did she's like I got this new system and he is losing his mind because he's like no I caught you you bitch oh my god yeah that's a thing he's not necessarily hurt he's insulted as the thing yeah that's a thing yeah it's like how dare you how dare you so next Arnold next day at Omega sector put a top on the beach and like Oliver's like you know fucking illegal this shit is I knew you get a blowjob on the last mission I was like you heard that all right I'll do it highly illegal highly immoral right you're my bro that's what bros do so we get to we like we kind of do a little bit of speed work here so we just see like a transcript that he rips off and you know he's reading it he's hearing the voice over of Helen talking to Simon though I think that's when we first get to hear Simon's voice and you're just like fuck this Simon's guys got something going on well he's like he thinks he's a spy too he's like is this guy like enemy spies trying to infiltrate my life yeah like we think we've stumbled on to something interesting cuz yeah they're doing all the spy talk and so him and Albert are like oh shit is this guy like with the CIA is he what's going on here so he Simon sets up a date for to see Helen tomorrow so here he goes home he knows all the D so he's kind of fucking with a passive aggressively he's like how was your lunch Helen and you know he's like you want to go to lunch yeah and she's like oh I can't I got all their coding no I gotta go out with Allison you know her man just broke up with her she really needs me while they're talking Harry grabs her purse Albert's waiting outside in the rain throws the purse door Albert what's tracker fucking infrared predator vision all this shit on her printer purse that's right hands it back to him and Albert's like dude I don't think we should be doing this this is kind of fucked up fuck you all right it's the big hour we're finally gonna meet him we're finally gonna meet bill Simon I love this holy lives up to all expectations to meet a Chinese restaurant of course and so we want to describe you want just looking to mirror and describe what Simon looks like yeah let me get my mirror well he's got you know he's got to be sophisticated he's got to be mysterious so he's got a sweet mustache he's got a child haircut but he's he's got a he wants to have a little bit longer hair cuz he's well we're about to learn he's hooking up with married housewives who husbands are probably bald headed geeks so he's got to give her some hair to play with and everything so he's working into their fantasy more so than his own look and then the turtleneck the Dockers and of course the loafers like this is did you have a beeper on his belt oh my god of course he had a beeper he had at least two because you know he's a spy right so he starts taking credit for the shit that Harry did the night before cuz in the papers like this was me yeah because he's a spy do you think he made Helen pay for the meal oh my god he's like it's like look and you know they can't know my name or anything like that right fake alias on here anyway either way it can't be traced I had hide my wallet so I could have bring it today yeah she definitely did it's it's okay it was in the 90s when everything was good so Chinese dinner probably cost like $6 oh yeah for both of them amazing she got like a gallon of egg drop soup yeah and that was with drinks to Harry and Albert are listening outside because they have the bug and purse and they're like wait a minute that's a shit we did last night yeah fuck cuz for like ten minutes we were under the auspices that he was possibly a spy and then it clearly comes true that he is not so they follow Simon back to yeah date wraps up and they follow Simon back to week or that he's driving he could be a spy with that Corvette absolutely yeah and then he pulls into a used car and they have a little laugh to themselves like my god he's not just a phony he's a used car salesman so he's a salesman pretending to be a spy and Harry's a spy pretending to be a sales I'd even put that together brilliant that's beautiful so Harry's pissed he's like I gotta fuck with this guy yeah so he comes on acting like he's a customer yep and Simon's laying it on thick the old used car dealership and he's like bro if you really want some pussy some poontang you need to this vet bro yeah the vet gets them wet Paul Simon Simon brought that himself Bill Paxton definitely now so you go for test drive first Simon's driving and like fucking our Harry's trying to play the in cell role like well how do you get these women yeah bro you got it first of all we think it's true in a way I mean you don't want to lie you want to lie but you need to romance or woman you need to you know because Harry just shows up he's like I'm a god basket my glory right doesn't have to work for us how we do it you know what they say but how a woman there how hard a woman is just one guy there's some guy out there's sick that's the same for men all right and Helen's starting to get sick of fucking Harry even though he's a fucking guy right and he's just like look I mean I'm not much to look yeah I love this because he under during the drive he's like I can't tell you all the secrets I can't next thing you know they're pulled over eating hot dogs on the hood of the car this is the thing they give him a little bit of a lie I do this whole bit about being a fucking spy and it's great it gets them wet they want some adventure they want to place their life up and I give it to them I mean these ladies that we're living in California they've all got like these software daddies back at home and their wares are soft they got lip dicks if you're listening to me if you're understanding me they're too busy working their fingers to the bone they should be bone in their pussy to the finger at least warming up a bit that least warming up I like this cuz it's almost like Arnold is kind of showing like I'm watching this I'm like is he understanding what's happening right now is he learning a little bit about his miss you know like how poorly he's treated Helen you don't think so no no okay he's fantasizing about murdering he's still he's still doing the yeah I just got to kill this man because my my wife was perfectly happy with our situation until he showed up he wants to make confirm you know he does know it you want to hear it from Simon's mouth that they're he's doing something with his wife so how many women are you working on he's like ma'am bro I got this she doesn't even know how hot she is you know she's worth glasses in her hair oh ideally makes a woman unsex yeah yeah of course like you and this is this got these big old kids ass like a 10 year old boy is that who says that in the hell I'm not even appealing yeah yeah I know just this is going to ask folks don't want a fucking flat little boy yes but what's the 90s it wasn't I did the pogs didn't emerge yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah you were in a rough patch that oh it's true before prodding for flat buts all right or crossfit man it was all about six minute abs and all that stuff all the stupid things a thy master will come into play in true thighs but yeah of course you're right so Harry's imagining just nailing his fucking ass blood flying everywhere but he does it because for a minute we're thinking holy shit he just fucking killed Simon's like no he's now fantasizing he does do a sweet park job where he like spins the car out and then backs it in real quick slams it into park and Simon's freaked out a little bit but he's also excited a little bit he likes the thrill of a sale so he's just like well clearly I mean I've got eight people lined up for this so you got it you gotta take it off my hands quick if you want it and I don't like why don't you just hold it for me for a day I'm just gonna you know think about it a little bit longer so the next day Harry's checks in with Albert what other little transcript saying and because yeah I think he was trying to think maybe Simon would talk about him because he's still all about himself oh yeah yeah and he's like looking at wait this conversation's perfectly boring perfect transcript and then he notices he's taught he's missing he's a spy so he notices a page is missing there are numbers not that hard what does it tell me that's the page he's like no bro dude you do not want to read this I will kill you he's like alright here and we learned they're set up a date we get to go down and see like the background of the and we've got Simon in his office feet kicked up he's got a gun in his hand yeah Helen I really need you tonight I'm in some danger serious danger I need you to meet me under the bridge and he points out which bridge I don't remember which one but it was a bridge what if I told you happens on a bridges nothing good nothing good I don't know how many housewives I get to be in a bridge ship but yeah maybe well Simon is a troll Simon is a troll and so yeah so then the day comes she's like honey I got some work I got these people do not figure out my color code system yet I'll be back dinners in the microwave show thank you and then he just fucking jumps in the car with fucking Albert we've already abused the transcript the bugging of an innocent person but now Arnold calling and backup choppers yeah he's got he's got fucking people hiding in trees and shit like the confidence this man has he doesn't give a shit he's gonna do whatever he wants because he's Arnold and our Harry yeah even when we pull up under the bridge is a couple homeless people doing what people do under the bridge and it was actually two agents in disguise well yeah when you see couple bombs fingering each other's bombs yeah it's gonna blend in so he's like quick get in so she gets out of her car jumps in his Corvette I gotta take into a safe house wait a minute you got to get down before we turn this curve and so gently puts it well her head is not in his lap it's like next to his side but we've get two or three different of his team recounting back to yeah oh wow yeah she's definitely got her head in this crouch yeah and they're telling him all well they're being light on the details it's her head bobbing up and down is there movement oh yeah there's movement and he's just grinding oh yeah Simon takes her to his safe house she's blindfolded trailer park she's probably with Simon really lives yep and he's like look I need you to go on a mission with me to Paris I need to cover I'm supposed to be married on this mission can you do this for me and Helen has not lost all of her senses so while he's like fiddling around with the wine bottle she's noticing some debris on the on the counter and she starts Griffin around a little bit and she peels up a newspaper and she sees under it is two plane tickets to perry paradise so she's like oh fuck this is this is for real see that's Simon mind games right so she's she's hooked and she's like I love my country yes I will I'll do it a little rock damn but she's like this is for the country it's like thank you and he's like but first we gotta we were we're gonna be under scrutiny we need to look like people who are madly in love with each other and he puts his hand on her leg and she freaks the fuck out he's like see that's the kind of action that you can't do you got to have the perfect reaction we got to go under deep cover here you have to be my wife and we have to be into each other balls deep under cover balls deep get on top of her and she's like no get off of me can't you do it for your country yeah for me I hate doing this the worst part of my job right and she just he's about to go in for some more the trailer gets like chopped in my house insane that's a good effect though and he lands right between her legs like everything looks everything looks awful yeah like she's totally like rock in the ski mask with fucking Alpert and sees that yeah I'm surprised he didn't just fucking just oh yeah punch him in severish jaw like a Brock Samson style or something choppers got the fucking search light on them or your SWAT team they drag them out they're really playing into the whole Spyroos forum so it is kind of fun how they did this where they're like still making it her believe that she's involved with some spy shit hella is showing some stuff Simon bitches out immediately and she's like fighting back she knees to Albert in the balls right Albert turns around and clacks you with a gun and Arnold decks him yeah it's cute movie oh yeah fucking bites Arnold's hand and she because they're trying to get in this patty wagon and he instead of screaming out he has to like muffle his but oh yeah so they throw both of the patty wagon take them to the interrogation room so this is where it gets kind of really mean spirited oh my god he's got he's gone from bad to worse so they got into the classic room just a stool empty room and the two way mirror yeah one way mirror I guess and it's Albert and she knows she she's seen the movie so she's looking in the mirror anybody behind there yeah we see Albert and Harrier back there with the voice modulator yep and again we're playing into the spy bed they're they're like going along as if Simon actually were a spy do you work for the spider agency he drops in that Simon is Carlos the jackal there were real terrorists and real life oh yeah you're a deep shit and she's like what I don't know and then he's like is your husband went hung you know he's there to strap and all this fucking sex shit does he take care of your needs he doesn't even mix it in very no here he doesn't even need pussy man he's just like no it's beneath me no no so yeah I'm happy to say by the end of the movie he's pussy he's like pussy's pretty cool yeah and Albert teaches them all about your towel Albert loves you boys how do we know that because he looks like the kind of guy you don't of course I'm out okay all right this guy's why I'm the wise okay so he doesn't even do a good job of like mixing up his questions and literally starts out with you've been hanging out with Carlos the jackal are you a spy no how did you meet him and she describes the first day and their first date was Chinese restaurant and we do get to see Simon's move or he walks in with a briefcase he's are eating alone he gets kind of like nervous you gotta take my briefcase I'll contact you tonight and we see or take that briefcase back to the office grip into it money plane tickets a gun the same prop gun that we saw he was playing with in his office and it's like a BB gun and that's how we got her hooked but then it just downhill from there no questions about her being a spy or anything is your husband well hung yes for inches what from the ground and it's like why were you willing to go to Paris with this guy she's like I don't know it's my life's in a row I just want to feel alive again yeah she goes from being like angry to just being like my life kind of fucking socks you know got it's never around my kid hates me I got a teenage daughter I got brushed rations out the wazoo I need that dick bad alive Albert's like how bad you need that I don't remind him that's my wife and he's like what's fuck and every while she's like what the fuck does this have to do with fucking Carlos jackal my sex fuck you just like throw something at the mirror that's cool and Harry's a little like right he's seeing that fire he's loving it yeah did was there any fire to begin with is it is this like how they meet it's never shown like yeah they actually met and got together and how he's lied to her this entire time right yeah one final question you wouldn't interrogation do you still love your husband yes I do and he gets he just it's he's like he freaked he's like I forgive he's so thrilled yeah oh and he's like now I'm gonna fuck with her in his mind he's like I'm gonna give her the adventure she wants but total like oh yeah yeah so cut to Harry it goes he goes to he goes to you Simon they're like you know like over a bridge I think they're at the bridge that she left her car right it might have been I don't remember they strip him down with underwear they're hanging him over the edge of a bridge look at the ski mask son yep and he's like look I'm doing a bit I got a small thing even worse pathetic I'm a loser starts pissing himself I got a lie to women to get laid yeah and then he put this is the running gag he pees on himself right and they're so disgusted with this guy like he's so pathetic yeah they pull him up the safety they're still they pull off their mask I didn't see you they pull their mask yeah yeah oh no wait the car like get the fuck out of here no you're gonna shoot me in the back because they're still fucking like him with them like he's a spy Albert is disgusted with this guy yeah I get the fuck out of here right so the taskers are having dinner when a call comes in for Doris that was good that was her code name Doris yeah you will get the call for Doris she wanted what was the name she was Natasha Natasha because yeah well this is the rockin bullwink or Boris and Natasha okay because kids you will get a call from Boris she's like what's my name gonna be Natasha no Doris Boris and Doris we're coming to the end I didn't realize that was what's happening that that's good Boris and Doris so she gets a call and it's like you're gonna you're gonna have to go to a hotel dressing your sexiest outfit you're gonna meet this guy you need to put a bug on the phone yeah so there will be an envelope waiting for you at the desk yep and we just cut down to that hotel and he's fucking 80s prom dress on she looked like an old school clown like it was like a clown ruffles and stuff what are you doing girl it was how were you lighting Arnold's fire what is going on again the trickle-down economics doesn't work unless Arnold's happening go two ways you know I mean she's not doing shit either yeah exactly so Arnold's like you know he's on these missions doing his thing bunch of Tia Carreras all the time so are we not if he's not giving it to his wife which he clearly isn't because he gets home she's already asleep so they never bang he's he's gonna tell you that Titan of testosterone isn't gonna be fucking every chick like on every mission no I don't know I think in a real world yes he would be bad we supposed to believe he is doing that in the movie world in the movie world no Harry's the top baby face for whatever reason but we don't see how like the relationship started or get any exposition on that well you know there was a short live TV show yes yeah because they have Arnold in it yeah oh so she goes to she gets the envelope and there's a number waiting for right in a little microchip the little chap to put on the phone so she calls in there explaining look this guy he's fucked up he's perbed likes to watch oh yeah that's fucking yeah and she's like wait do I really have to suck his dick and they're like no no no he just likes to watch that's all he's into you with animals but yeah oh geez I'll you just put that bug on the phone so then we cut back to Omega sector and we get grip I saw this this when you when you have to have this as a sexy voice when you call in the heart dude oh John the heart because the whole it was set up the whole room set up like at the heart situation you're right fireplace so we see John the heart like take your pain is all I like that you in leather you know and then he's like alright here I did this audio for you and so like sweet so because we're like what's going on why this guy fucking doing audio yeah Helen's approaching that fateful hotel room and she stops outside and she gets one glimpse and she's like I'm not Helen I'm Doris what the fuck is Doris Doris fucks and gets dudes hard this isn't gonna do it this isn't gonna do it no door it this isn't gonna door it so she's just ripping all that fucking fringe fuck offer which she doesn't realize that she's me and John the heart keep the fringe on so she starts ripping it all off and we see our woman blossom into a fucking smoke stack looking hot she just take some water from a vase slicer hair back put some lipstick on puts the chip between her tits we know Jim Lee Kerr is famous for having big tits so we're like all right this is Jim Lee Kerr as we signed up for damn right let's see them sweater cows she walks in the room we see John the heart set up raging fire pools ice cubes everywhere a drawn bath and everything somehow staying warm like it John the heart and we see Harry sitting in the chair perfectly lit it so you can just get a silhouette you can't see his face right and they're like hey there you're looking for your sex he's where he's doing he's working the fucking like tape recorder yeah he's just such little respect for his wife's like I know what she's gonna sell yeah prepares everything I know it's something so he's using all the things all the John the heart recordings the kid hurt you on dress and you know she's being timid about it at first and finally it's just it snaps she's like I'm not Helen I'm Doris right this is for America I had to do this she starts getting into it right and I was getting into it and they play this is they play it's not good for no not it says this is like the second sexy a scene in movie history for sure and they up the anti Joe because they play the sexiest song you could ever do a strip tease to the shimmy's line it's like all across the floor proven to but to stop and put someone that's when my eyes catch you and my heart begins to say oh pretty big man can you sway a big start to move and as they push me from my chair my fingers start to snap and want to run through your hair I got to get to you but I get to decide is everybody's doing shimmy on this line oh you're on fire when I grab you by the hand the way he's dealing with the real of all the band I swear love that you take me for a ride come on pretty baby let's do the shimmy slide and Harry's like oh my god I'm actually I fell of twitch down there yeah like I can't is this the woman I've been married so he was he was cross lagging and everything and he had a really just what's going on here he's like we're seeing in his face I never knew this woman at all yeah that's what who has the depressing thing is like he has fucked this woman's life up they have a 13 14 year old daughter they bend together this whole time he did not know his wife was like this and he wanted this that's why he's been absent this whole time right but yeah she didn't know her own mind she knows her own mind guys all you got to do is watch a rubella right that's all you got to do to learn about your own mind right and so I was like all right now lay down on that bed bringing him and then she lays on and she's like oh my god am I gonna have to fuck this guy she yeah she starts talking back but he doesn't have that prepared in the tape so he has to hit her wide lay on the bed and she's like I don't think I'm comfortable rewind people lay on the bed and starts doing a sliliqui from fucking Hamlet John the heart's voice is not good for commanding like you really have to be kind of into it already so it is hard when you're trying to nothing's hard close your eyes he gets on top over he's like I want to fuck my wife for the first time feels like the first feels like the first well it's probably the first times in 13 years or so right since that daughter was born you can say you needed cover you need like that's the only way you can get into he's like oh I'm on a spy mission right now Albert was probably like talking to him the whole time make a whole ass kid to do this yeah she grabs the phone from the side table bashes him and then she goes like you sick fuck her fucking laying the boots him doing the stonk old stomping his ass she's got her dress that she's trying to zip up while doing it she dashes out and then realizes she forgot to plant the bug she's still on the mission people she runs back and plants the bug under the table under the phone and then starts to run out when finally we're like when's Harry gonna actually say something he's trying to fuck his wife and he goes Helen and we and the terrorists breaking do they ever explain how why they know they just know they just like time to fuck Arnold up yeah we know where is that so they burst in and then Helen is thinking Harry what do you think she still doesn't know these a spy yeah I think she said why are you here she's the spy in her mind so she thinks these people are after her and he's like oh I know they're after me yeah and he's going along with everything and she's like you don't know anything just say you don't know anything cuz again so we have no way her husband could be a super spy this plain Jane dude he's just a software salesman windows 95 the whisk to an airstrip put on a jet where we meet Juno and they they're brought in there immediately tension outside on the landing strip or whatever and we see that these two clearly know each other June Owen Harry you know it's playing up like even I haven't fucked she's playing it up like they have oh yeah because they're mad you know she's gotta she's gotta be a home record to Harry we meet me at again and he's like I know this woman and she's like Harry what the fuck's going on here yeah and she can see that and she's like oh so June was really just twisting their eyes oh yeah your husband did everything to me he ate my pussy oh whoa whoa how long you can do that oh my god he comes clean on the plane right he's like I am a spy well he starts saying that he's a spy she's like shut up you're not a spy on the spy and let her go yeah me she shows off a little rocket like that they're married and everything and June oh she's like man this is fucked this is gonna be fun so she they knocked out yep they can knock out gun let's do it right in the studio's head those two be like a coffee soda cookies little out yeah yeah come to we're in a warehouse somewhere we see like these giant Persian statues as you know calls them the four-person of the apocalypse we'll learn why because they're broken open we see that nuclear warheads are hidden in these statues we get some nice jokes because of course Alim knows who Harry is and he's like you know what this is is it a ninja blender is it an air fryer is it a microwave neck massage job and like you know they like punch him for being insolent you know because he's like I'm not giving you what she wants they want to use him as propaganda they want to make a video with Harry like on I'm a bitch yeah we're gonna destroy America there's nothing we can do about it and this is where we get the big admission where Harry in front of everybody looks Helen and I's and tells her that yes he is in fact a spy and then Helen punches him in the face so we just get him punched constantly and then they they're gonna they're gonna use him for propaganda he's gonna explain what they want so they get the camcorder out didn't charge the fucking battery I command with the fuck I can't believe Celine didn't just blow him away for that I was like oh for sure we'll kill this guy for that yeah but now he let him live apparently they're recruiting for the Crimson Gia it's not good right now he's like we can't I can't kill him he's gonna do something else next week he's rattling off all you always hear it you guys are bombing people you know we're going to the decadent West we're gonna stop you and the plan is he reels they have nuclear warheads we are gonna blow up an island just to show you that we have a nuclear warhead and then after that every week we're gonna blow up American City until you give up our demands and it just so happens during this that Juno is going through Helen's purse and happens to find a little computer trip a transmitter track area yeah and Albert hey Albert in them or they're on the case man they tracked it down to the Florida Keys but Harry and Helen they're on their way to well Florida still works it's a torture dungeon Florida is a tortuous state it sucks and you know Juno is admitting she never cared about a cause she just want you know what great fucking villain you know we were talking earlier clearly tea is a good guy because Selim just fucking smack the shit out of her so we're like she's doing this under distress clearly here she just saying no I just wanted fucking money I don't give her shit I did it all for the Nookie and then she gives a big old wet kiss and Arnold just the fucking fuck with him some more like oh yeah man your husband was four inches we saw a Terminator come on yeah you gotta remember where we measure it from right so they brought it to the torturers Amir I think was his name a little shriveled up little old guy yeah got the scene right now oh yeah this is the whole inspiration for hostile hostile the movie hostile my bad and what is that for root canal he's like oh you learn white man they get injected with the truth here I'm the barber barber all super soda whatever real super soda sodium at the ball there or whatever it was I think that's it the sodium something I start like dilating he's like blurry vision and then Helen says what do they give you through serum so we're thinking it's gonna be like a big you know 14 year frustration like truth and truth or dare situation they get like two questions out of them well she's first ones is are we gonna die yes how long have you been a spice 17 years kill anybody yes they were all bad did you have your every pussy that's my hairy all right so Salim is busy checking out Harry's wallet wouldn't Griffin through a wallet I'm gonna do this I don't want it I don't want my name associated with that all right notice is that Harry has a daughter so you know he he's a man who likes the hedges bets we didn't need this extra we could have cut this cut it right out cut it right out ended with the fucking bridge thing but yeah we have to go on so the torture comes in remember he's three he's having true serum so Harry's like I'm going to kill you with my bare hands and then I'm gonna kill that god and he's like you're not gonna do shit yeah they did set it up like a Brock Samson killing I liked that about it yeah he's like well I ended the handcuffs he was around throw he grabs like a knife off a table and hits one of the guards and then he snaps the fucking torturers and act he doesn't exactly what he said he was gonna do what what like he she's in a vet she's like oh my Corvette people not not a veterinarian's office I know some people get that confused I know this show yeah this show no bluey shit happening here so they sneak out and we just get a scene where we see she gets to see him in action right a hell of gunfire he takes out three guards we got to get out of here before more guards show up she gets captured because more guards showed up he takes out two guards easily and then you know gets to see that she's been taken hostage and he just shoots the guy in the head and he says honey next time get down so they're sneaking around they see Salim is doing his prank on a prom off for the for the news and we get very tasteful use of the Arabic language we'll play a little love it for you and then he arms the warhead for 90 minutes first I was a minute and a half and then they buried in cement so I guess that's so nobody can deactivated in time yeah that was some sloppy ass cement that shit ain't gonna be drying takes a while yeah it was like water is fuck yeah but whatever it's a movie we're going along with it and we learned that they are in the Florida Keys which by the way my dad lives in the Keys nobody be missed all right so if they blow up a key who cares that's what I said it's like fuck man so uh they uh the only thing that could stop them now is us because no one's got it like you said we're in the Keys no one get the fuck and then well Jimmy Buffett goes Jimmy Buffett okay but that means they're connected to the continental US so they could go anywhere no one could stop them right I mean I hope they changed this after 9/11 but yeah like you could just sneak anything onto a Florida key and it's dry there's no fucking stopping you get to do this right under Florida right and I mean Florida they you know Trump keeps talking about building a wall and I'm waiting for them to build the wall to separate Florida from the rest of us because then we won't have to worry about this situation Murray if we just Georgia gets that wall that beautiful wall what else is down there Alabama I think is connected to it just build the wall Florida can be on its own the limp dick of America the Olympic the Simon of America so yeah so he gives uh uh and you know this I just took me back to the 80s oozees were being used we never see oozees anymore and he gives him the oozees to hell and it's time yeah he goes down to the ground where there's just guards everywhere he's got like a pistol and a grenade perfect grenade toss no look sky hook no look sky hook right in between the guys were so impressed by the shot they just stay ready to die it's fine yeah we get like five different guys on fire Arnold's just wandering around just shooting people dead it's incredible but you know until crimson she had Bennett pops off I noticed it to I'm glad you noticed it he was wearing the man who's a tank top but it was a Bennett match nope they're wrestling fighting heaven help so she's like oh my god she's up at the top the stairs she just fired the recoil makes her fucking hand fly off drops the gun and then it just doesn't fucking barrel roll down the steps shooting everybody perfect yeah and James really slowed this down this scene last three minutes of just the gun yeah heart wheeling down the stairs taking everybody out Jamie Lee Curtis like shrieking out her tits are bouncing everywhere and yeah it's incredible scene and then I guess Harry just takes out the guy Bennett that he was fighting you know that is kind of how this fight goes just like oh yeah and then it's over it's hard of course yeah that's it so we cut to we see the long putting one of the nuclear warheads onto a chopper with Salim they just like jammed it on there yeah it was incredible because remember Juneau had said she called the thing the four horse in the apocalypse which you may usually believe they're before warheads so we got one that's going to be left on the island to blow up we got one that was put in one of the vans right where do they put two in the vans because there's one in the chopper one on the island and there's two others okay so I would both like trucks have warheads on must have yeah and they really didn't show us all the whole trick so alright so Harry he's got himself free he's got himself back undercover he's got a gun but he's also near some kind of gas tank with sweet oh yeah no it was fucking great but instead of just being like a normal gas tank this thing's pressurized to the fucking wazoo because it turns into a four thousand foot flame thrower because well no wait like fire's a gun how do you not blow up it's all in the way you jiggle the handle man that's it you know what he's doing fucking everybody's got fire it's beautiful we see you can see the guys with the gel lab but we don't care it's okay the guy on fire that's the GI bolt exactly we're having fun we blew up the floor the keys that's what we're all thinking like oh my god they're finally doing it fuck the keys sailing up it seems like I guess I got to do this yep with the bazooka fires in it Harry and Harry is that last leap into the water yep everything explodes all the hell everybody sees the aftermath and they're just like we bloom the smithereens we won today's our day and they take off with all the confidence in the world and we get to see Helen just kind of sneak it around but she also gets like oh my god he's dead he's dead yeah judo finds her and she's like fucking laughing about it and it pisses fucking Helen off that you bitch slaps judo cuts that beautiful face second bitch left to take her down that's true yeah and she was pissed about it she was like I don't blow her head off for this shit yeah so Salim's like everybody calm down we could use her as a hostage because she's ready to kill fucking oh yeah yeah Albert and crew of course arriving late because they had that signal but you know they were all the way up in DC's out there so that's true that's true so but they do find Harry he just emerges from the water and like a god and they're like all right cut in the jets because he can apparently like Harry can just do anything he wants he's got maximum clearance basically yeah tell who's tilby because Arnold's really run in the show so they're cuz they're out in the bridge it connects all the keys so they're driving out there and the jets are like I love it was like the jets like because he's like blow them up and he's just like well that's not off the nukes no and then he looks at fucking like shrugs at fucking Albert he's like I don't fucking know right so we get a scene where the goofball terrorists they got a rocket launcher they're doing it's doing their terrorist speak is doing it and they okay they and I know that layer if we had me he would tell us all the physics oh yeah because yeah there's a backfire from it and he just killed a fucking dude standing behind the truck almost killed a driver yeah and they're like these bumbling idiots they're so dead said I'm killing taking down the helicopter that they end up killing their own and this is where we get to see they again they're they're with us fuck the keys so they just blow up the bridge right so it turns like a video game we're talking about the good guys everybody the good guys blow up the bridge is what we're because they got to stop these terrorists man they got nukes that's right and they blow up one of the trucks and thankfully Arnold was right it won't apparently a missile strike will not blow up a warhead yeah and then the other one like the one that had the idiots in it they stopped before because they the bridge got blown up and they're just teetering on the edge yeah and then nice pelican just lands on it takes a shit that shit that does that amount of shit tips the thing over and then it is the car is exploding a huge fight naturally come on yeah but it did not blow up the warheads that's a good thing so we got to check in on Helen who's of course in the a lima with Juno and she's getting distracted she's yelling at the driver and shit she's got a gone held out and Helen sees her moment and lurches forward grabs onto her they start fighting over the gun the gun goes off kills the driver so now the car is just careening all over the road good old fashioned cat fight to go to play before these chicks new MMA or anything just that's an action each other's eyes out pulling their hair that's a hot well Helen apparently I mean she she had a little bit more dog in her fight she had a rough childhood yeah clearly yeah so she's she knows what she's doing she goes for the bottles yeah hits fucking Juno twice and then she leaps up through the the sunroof and she sees fucking hairy on the on the chopper yeah apparently driver fell asleep or died on the gas pedal he was a fat guy yeah you're right but still remarkably kind of straight it's like how so he's fucking great stunt work we see that I don't think this was story we see this the fucking stunt man hanging from the bottom of the helicopter go great you now tour and he's like the bridge is out and she's like oh my god oh fuck she obviously she's freaking out she's scared right but she's like fuck am I gonna go over the edge or am I gonna reach out trust my husband for the first time in years yeah they have some near misses and everything and finally like you have to jump and we get them hold on tight and I think she was really hanging from the sink it was fucking it looked real to me oh yeah it looked real to me so okay so now we're like we're on another island yeah oh yeah that's right they're they're having like a nice kind of catch our breath moment they're telling everybody don't look don't look out there because there's a nuke going off in the background burn your eyeballs out of your head and and Helen and Harry are rekindling their marriage so he gets her wedding ring out I learned it safe if you're 12 miles outside of the radius oh okay they point that out James Cameron science and so yeah so now they're they're happy again he sees that she had her engagement ring on back she had her way around her other hand remember she took that's what it was that's what it was yeah it's like wrong on wrong on this thing I rewind so he's like honey I think I need to go back to work and she's like go get him tiger and then they kiss and then a nuclear warhead destroys margarita though that's right and as he's heading back he's like guys what's the scoop where's Salim and they're like bad news it's got your daughter what so now we're about to learn he was just going to take the chopper but now he's like I got to get a fucking jet which I don't know if this is how jets work yeah no that it's I know I know say the G.I. Joe that what it's called a V.T.O.L. vertical takeoff and landing there we go sweet so yeah they learn that they're hold up in the top of a building the unconstructed part of it because every building in this movie's unconstructed yeah it's construction and he's just like I gotta go and he's like and he's like dude you haven't flown a jet I'm like here it's like riding a bike I can do it you can borrow your jet and he's like fun I did like this because he's like being shitty like it's like when you haven't played video games in a while you gotta relearn the control yeah you gotta get used to the movement speed and all that shit this all makes sense he's like he's like fucking it up and then he gets a hang of it and then Albers like see ride a bike uh they do point out we have a person on the inside yeah it's like don't worry so of course we know who it is it's our friend fossil whatever his name was facile so we go over to some Salim who is he's got a new he's sending for a TV crew so we can do another you know terrorist promo and he's got the nuclear warhead all set up and everything we see next to the nuclear warhead just sitting there hanging out drinking a cherry Pepsi is uh Dana so news crew shows up he pops the key into the nuke and then goes over to his promo and so he starts cutting it and he's like as soon as I turn that key over there this whole fucking with the key in there this whole fucking town's gonna go up in flames and then there's just a jabroni reporter there he goes what key Dana's gone with the key and they start firing at her she runs she run she she's in a hallway she could have ran down no she runs up gotta run up and we see there was facial he was hiding in there the cameraman is facile yeah and so he just like has a gun hidden in his fucking cam war he whips it out and just shoots all the guys popping off terrorists yeah so still radio is in to Harry where they're at you know cut to Dana she's up on the top there's a big crane up on top so she jumps on that so they worked the whole construction into the actual movie yeah so he's following her it's like give me the key goes like fuck you I love my country we get this is a really fucking cooler shit see because Harry is arriving in that fucking jet which probably would be like terrible on the city what is that fucking shit up like immensely he doesn't care daughters in danger he doesn't care now he knows now he cares about his family for the first time okay what happens to me it's different that's right that's right it's still about Harry but it's still about there yeah so he goes to the floor 22 he counts it perfectly and just fucking takes to they should have had the buildings go down to Florida they shoot the whole fucking floor away yeah all the fucking goons are getting blasted it's a fucking cool shit though then he gets underneath the crane with Dana's like can you just hang my fingertips right just go ahead and jump and just she's about to Celine to open fire at the cockpit kind of make some do a little dodge maneuver here so he has to reset and everything we just saw this with the rescue and the helicopter or it's like kind of same thing but with the jet it's it's fat trim the fat his when he does the adjustment he hits the crane which knocks Celine's gone away but hooks on the tail of the jet right remember that because then Dana does trust me and she finally trusts her papa right dives down on top of it she gets kind of like caught on the nose of the plane though so she's not worked into the cockpit Celine jumps on so now we got two people running around on this fucking jet which is just like what the fuck is this possible to even like hang out on a jet but now we got two people hanging out on fucking just giving you anxiety watching yeah I'm the fucking yeah they're they're kind of like moving away he's doing it slowly because his daughters you know hanging off the nose but he's just about the pool data and Celine stabs them in the shoulder with a knife oh yeah that's right he backs the plane up into a guy vacuuming a guy to have a little comedy bit where we see Julio working like the cleaning guy and he's listening to his music he has no idea what's going on walks out of the room and then the back of the jet goes into the room he was uh Celine recovers from this and finds him gets flown because they hit it so he gets a nut shot on the end of the jet that's oh my god that's right that's where his gun was hanging all the false finishes I'm like oh he's out oh no yeah this is a lot of false finishes that's a good call yeah all right so he gets the gun again you're like oh shit he's got the gun but then Arnold like give me the kill and fuddles yeah Arnold gives Dana the wink I think he gets her hand or something and he dips it three slides down the wing and hooks on one of the missiles this was like this was good I like this because then he just like you're fired I think he said a little more open that come on no matter a fact he was you're fired and that's there's no exclamation not so he goes through the fucking floor they destroyed and then on the other side of the building is a chopper with the terrorist goons and so it's like two birds and one stone yeah perfect boom we cut to one year later the taskers are a happy family they're all thumb wrestling together like that's what a happy family though we even had happy families that's what we don't know and Arnold's is laughing like a maniac because he's cheating probably yeah you're so small then uh huh it's a cold yeah and he's like Boris and Doris we need you and now we see all it took was one year for fucking Helen to be like a super spy to transform from this like office mouse to this there's something about her color coating label system that just transferred right into being a super spy yeah it cut away a lot of the fat of that omega sector was you know wasting all that government waste that's right right she might be a perfect fit for a doge yeah yeah she could really get in there so they're added another like sware with tuxedos and shit and then we see a familiar face as a waiter and he is working his moves on a he was in a waiter's outfit with the turtleneck on two that's incredible is this his real job now though I think yeah it's Simon yeah he's still working the spy angle he didn't learn his lesson no and then it's working though that girl is that she was into it she was at his league yeah and then our little mischiefs of mischiefs imps uh Harry and Helen yep so Helen she puts a gun to his chin the way that it's shot looks like a barrel of a gun underneath his chin and they're like hey motherfucker yeah what's going on Chris go the jackal or whatever his name was Chris go the jackal and he's like this is the spear the pissing noise and then he runs away and then they just lab it's funny milliating people that's right we reveal it's a makeup too right it's a lipstick to add and then they do a little tango and there's no time to tango that it's just all yelling now it's just over the credits we just hear all like fucking freeze ribbon and freestyle and shit that's it yeah fantastic fantastic it's a lesson you can be a deadbeat dad and husband for 14 years and as long as you can get your wife into some spy action well you saved their life from being killed there you go right yeah so you know we might have to look into that like set up you know helicopter anybody listening if you feel like your marriage is like it's in a rut do some spy shit just do some spy shit yeah what would Simon do spy shit yeah yeah but on your turtleneck like a big boy huh now do you want to leave us or do you want to tell us about what's going to happen I told you I'm here till January 20 oh okay go on all right I'm doing it part of like I'm it's like I haven't been charged with anything first of all it's all bullshit it's all bullshit trumped up charge and natural like community service in a way they're like help this pitiful guy the Simon S guy keep his show of flow keep I can do that okay come on thank you Joe thank you for coming on thanks for having me of course tradition we have now going on thanksgiving with you I love it everybody you're getting ready to leave one for beefcake when you listen to this episode all right so December we do sci-fi we do fantasy we're just a family show at heart it's true I'm gonna work I'm working on some family friendly porn too how does that work we have a concept okay okay Matt is working on all right that's way with a G so next week we're gonna do a movie it's a sci-fi movie it was part of the whole 3D boom of the early 80s okay okay we have 80 sweetheart Molly ringwald being super fucking annoying in this movie we have Michael Ironside is the villain a cyborg named yeah over dog not underdog over dog it's and most importantly graph it's 90 minutes and it's not to be we're gonna go into the forbidden zone with space hunter next week and as always keep it 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