Phone Taps
Mr. Michael Oppenheimer
Alright, we're all set for the party. I've trimmed the tree, hung the mistletoe, and paired all those weird-shaped knives and forks with the appropriate cheeses. And I plugged in the partition. - Guardesian? - It's a home cocktail maker that makes over 60 premium cocktails, plus a whole lot of seasonal favorites too. I just got it for 50 off. So, how about a Closmapolitan? Or a mistletoe margarita? - I'm thirsty. - Watch. I just pop in a capsule, choose my strength, and… - Wow, it's beginning to feel more seasonal in here already. If your holiday party doesn't have a bartender, then you become the bartender. Unless you've got a Bartesian, because Bartesian crafts every cocktail perfectly, in as little as 30 seconds. And I just got it for $50 off. - Tis the season to be… jolly-er. Add some holiday flavor to every celebration, with a sleek, sophisticated home cocktail maker Bartesian. Pick up your phone and shake it to get $50 off any cocktail maker. - Yes, you heard me. Shake your phone and get $50 off. Don't delay. - Don't answer the phone, Elvis Duran, the Elvis Duran phone tap. - Michael Oppenheimer. The email says my friend Glenn would be the perfect target for his phone tap. Glenn's been getting annoying calls from phone solicitors for years, and he just got a brand new cell phone. Why don't we christen his brand new cell phone? Mike wants to play this phone tap on his buddy Glenn. Well, here we go. Scary, of course, playing the part of the relentless evil telemarketer Michael Oppenheimer. Mike is in the same room as Glenn while Scary's doing the phone tap, so you'll hear him in the background. Okay? So here we go. Michael Oppenheimer with today's phone tap. - Hello. - Oh, yes. Good afternoon. This is Mr. Michael Oppenheimer with TravelPal Northeast Direct. How are you doing today? - Not too bad. What's up? - We have specials on some wonderful vacation packages at this time. - I'm not really interested in any vacations right now, dude. If you'd like to go to Punta Cana in the Dominican Republic. - No. I'd like to stay in America. - We have 35% off at the Grand Paradise Bovaro. - Uh, to be honest with you buddy, you know what? I'm not really interested, okay? (phone ringing) - Yo. - I'm Mr. Michael Oppenheimer from TravelPal Northeast Direct. How are you doing today, sir? - Not too bad. I'm not interested. I told you that before. - We can give you cruises now. We have fun voyage packages starting at just $419 if you'd like. - I'm trying to be nice. Are you hearing me? I don't want to hang up on you. I'm not interested. - We can get you a four-day Caribbean. - No. (phone ringing) (phone ringing) - Yo. - Hey, this is Mr. Michael Oppenheimer. We must have gotten disconnected. - No, we didn't get disconnected. I hung up on you. - Okay, sir. - I'm tired of the phone calls. You're talking to a police phone. I don't want to do this, okay? - Okay, but we can give you a five-day Caribbean western cruise. - I don't care what you're saying. Listen, hear me what I'm telling you for the last time. This is a police department phone. - I understand. - Do not call this phone again. - Sir, I'm a telemarketer. - I don't care what you are. Don't call this phone again. - Sir, your name is on our list. We have everyone to give them. - I don't care. My name's on your list. You leave me alone. I'm telling you, leave me alone. - Somebody must have signed you up. Maybe it was a loved one. Maybe you got to treat your family to a fun vacation. - I love to treat them to a lot of things. Here's where I'm going to treat you two. Count the three. And if you don't hear anything, that means I hung up on you. Okay? Watch this. Just count the three. - Hello. - Oh, yes, this is Mr. Michael Oppenheimer from Travel. - Are you for real? - We have a trip for you for Cancun, Mexico, for seven nights. - You call me one more time on this telephone number. I'm telling you. I'm going to call a better business bureau on you people, and that's the end of it. - Sir, you sound a little high-strung. Maybe you can use a vacation at this time. - No, look. I want a vacation from this telephone call. - Hello. - Hello. - Don't call here no more. I don't want a trip, buddy. I'm trying to go to sleep. I'm just skiing, your thing. - No skiing. I have no legs. - Maybe you'd like to go to Las Vegas, Nevada, or maybe gambling is your thing. - Okay, last time I gave him, I lost my house. - That's unfortunate. Can I have your address at this time, please? - Yeah, one, two, three, Mockingbird, Lane, Texas. - Zip code, please. - One, two, three, four, five, six, seven. - That's too many digits for a zip code. - One, two, three, four, five. That's how ridiculous this phone call is. - Which credit card would you like to be using at this time? - I got about, you know, three, four dozen. Let me just go put it in my pocket and get it going for you. They're all gone. I don't have any. - How would you expect to pay for this trip, sir? - Do you have, do you get thrills on calling somebody seven times? - Sir. - Do you know what I mean? Stop talking and you listen now. - Sir, I've been trying-- - Do you get an idea? You're aggravating me. Okay? I'm busy. You're calling me on my time. Not yours. I don't want your vacations. I said no to everything. You can't have my address. No, no, no. All on a checklist on your computer, check the number and flow the number. You're out and forget you called me. - Somebody at some time must have been interested in a happy getaway. - No, not me. I'm sitting here listening just so you get to the end and I could say no. I don't know understand why you people don't understand it and no don't mean no. - But maybe you could change your mind because-- - I'm not changing my mind. And I'll tell you what, even if I would change my mind, I wouldn't change it on this phone call. - Now, can I-- - Hold on. Let me go get the newspaper. I'll find out a good ad to see where you can go. Hold on one second. Oh, Jesus. - You know, you can go on parallel tours. You can go to Italy. You want to go to Italy? - I've been to Italy, sir. - This is amazing. I'm going to stay on the phone for three hours. That's what I'm going to do. I'm going to drive this guy now. - OK. Now that we send you over to Orlando, Florida, are you a fan of Mickey Mouse and Disney World? - All right, look. Look, I'm hanging up now. Don't call back. It's not my mistake. It's not my mistake. Trust me. You're doing a good job. Bother somebody else, please. - Sir, if you act-- - God bless you. Bother somebody else. - Sir, if you act now, we'll throw in some American tourist or luggage. - I can't. - No, I'm acting now. Bye. - We can throw you. [PHONE RINGING] - Oh. - Good afternoon. This is Mr. Michael Oppenheimer with Travel Pound North East direction. - I'll tell you what. I'll buy something from you if you give me to your supervisor. - My supervisor, his name is Michael Doherty from West Babylon, and this is Gary Jones from Elvis Duran, and you've been phone tapped. - [LAUGHTER] - You got your the best. You got your the best. You got your the best. I've been phone tapped. Still laughing in the background over there. I got this jerk next to me that he was playing down through this whole-- I can't-- I'll tell you what. You guys are relentless, man. - [SCREAMING] - The Elvis Duran Phone Tap. [PHONE RINGING] - This phone tap was pre-recorded with permission granted by all participants. - The Elvis Duran Phone Tap, only on Elvis Duran in the morning show. - All right, we're all set for the party. I've trimmed the tree, hung the mistletoe, and paired all those weird-shaped knives and forks with the appropriate cheeses, and I plugged in the partition. - Bartesian? - It's a home cocktail maker that makes over 60 premium cocktails, plus a whole lot of seasonal favorites, too. I just got it for 50 off. So how about a cosmopolitan, or a mistletoe margarita? - I'm thirsty. - Watch. - I just pop in a capsule, choose my strength, and-- - Wow. It's beginning to feel more seasonal in here already. - If your holiday party doesn't have a bartender, then you become the bartender, unless you've got a Bartesian, because Bartesian crafts every cocktail perfectly, in as little as 30 seconds, and I just got it for $50 off. - 'Tis the season to be jolly-er. - Add some holiday flavor to every celebration, with the sleek, sophisticated home cocktail maker, Bartesian. Pick up your phone and shake it to get $50 off any cocktail maker. - Yes, you heard me. Shake your phone and get $50 off.
Glenn has been getting annoying phone calls from telemarketers for years, and just got a new cell. So it's time for Mr. Michael Oppenheimer to christen it!