Yvon Speaking to the Barcelona "Easy Does It, But Do It" meeting on January 21, 2024
The Daily Reprieve
Barcelona Meeting - Yvon
[Music] Hello and welcome to the Daily Reprieve, where we provide essays, speaker meetings, workshops, and conferences in podcast format. We are an ad-free podcast. If you enjoy listening, please help us be self-supporting by going to Donate.thewreprieve.com and drop a dollar or two into the virtual basket. Please consider donating monthly by clicking the Donate monthly button. However, one-time donations are always welcome. Just click the Donate Now button. Now, without further ado, this episode of the Daily Reprieve. [Music] Today, the 21st of February 2024, we are very happy to have with us Yvonne L, from Chilliwack, British Columbia, Canada, sober since the 14th of May 1998. He will be sharing on the topic of single, sober, and sound. You are now on Yvonne. You have 25 minutes to share, and I'll be the timer. And how would you like a five-minute warning, for example? Okay, it's all yours. Okay, I'm also on the time myself as well. Okay, you've all sexaholic. Yeah, thank you for... I forget the lady's name. I think she's the speaker-seeker. I forget her name much. Thank you to her for asking me to do to come here and speak. I know some of you. I've seen some of you on either online or in person. Ah, what do I begin? I'll begin by qualifying myself for this program. I came to SA on November the 28th, 1989. I married sexaholic, very active sexaholic, and not very active husband at the time. And I still remember my first meeting, and it was like... I think you muted there somehow, Yvonne. Yeah, you're muted, Evo. Yeah, all right. Okay, thank you for that. No, I forget where I was. Sorry. I mean, I'll go from just... Yeah, that's what I said. I think I said it was a treasure to find this, to buy an essay. It was funny because I'd been seeing a psychiatrist for about a year, and after a year, he threw up his arms and said, "I can't do anything for you." But the one thing he did do that day is give me the phone number for SA. I wish he would have done that the first day it was there. But God works in mysterious ways, and it was meant for me to... For it to happen exactly the way it did. The acceptance prayer really speaks to that. It should be an acceptance statement or a prayer however you want to call it, and that is nothing happens in God's world by mistake, nothing. And I really believe that. And I like the fact that they book that with nothing, and again, nothing. Because for me, that's been the case. Even though I questioned it and scratched my head many times with my higher power, but in the end, in hindsight, I would look back and think, "Mm-hmm, I get a damn diamond." So anyways, yeah, just to... So yeah, so like I said, I came in, I came into SA on November 28, 1989. Very lost. I was a... At the time, I was a 31-year-old physically, and about maybe 11 or 12 emotionally. I was a typical Peter Pan. Yeah, I don't know. I'm very much. I never go up. I never go up. It really stunted. This disease really, really stunted my growth at the time. Emotionally, I was just... And spiritually, and I never... Even physically, actually. I was stunted even in my size. And it really had a... It really plagued you. It had a choke hold on me. And my date is May 14, '98, and I said October 28, '89. That's eight and a half years of relapsing and slipping and sliding. But I always came back. I knew, if you want what we have, and I wanted what they had. Honestly, I wanted to do the work to get there. I just wanted what they had. It doesn't work that way. I found that out the hard way. And yeah, so it was tough. And I left for about a year and a half, explained that it was gay. Because all my acting out, all my acting out was with same gender, you know, lost. That was my big ticket. Star-law, very, very young with my brother and his friends, my friends, and anybody else that was willing. And that went on until about... I was about 22. And then I left home because of the amount of damage I had done there. And I came out here to Burris Columbia. I'm from the East Coast. I'm from Ontario. And I moved out here to Burris Columbia back in 1980. I was about, yeah, 21 and 3/4 years old. And my addiction, of course, continued. I met my ex-wife back then. And where I got married. And we stayed together for about 11 years. But I did a lot of damage there too. And every day that I was with her, I acted out throughout my marriage, including the night of, and the night before my marriage, I was acting out with other people. You know, I had this thing really bad. And yeah, that was near the end there for me when she said that she'd... And just make a long story short, that, you know, she wanted separation. And we were like, you know, seeing as the perfect couple, we were really good for the image. And yeah, that floored me. And I'd been seeing the psychiatrist at that time. And I remember calling and just crying like a, like a baby, because that's really what I was. You know, I lost my mummy, my, my spouse. But it was one of my mother, then it was my wife. I made her that. And again, the little boy. And, anyway, we did separate. And that woke it up a bit. But not enough. And that's when I exclaimed I was gay and went out and live about a year and a half the gay life. And probably the most saddest, the most depressing, the most lonely time I've ever had in my life was when I, when I experienced that. It was not a, it was not a good, it was not good for me. And yeah. But, you know, as I came back, I came back. Actually, what happened is I remember dropping my, my, at the time my stepson to his mum. And I knew that that day I knew it was over. I knew that the marriage was over. I knew that life was over with them. That really, I went home and I was going to commit suicide. I prepared everything. And yeah, I just didn't want to live. And I just thought, forget it, you know. And anyways, I started praying. And I wasn't really prayerful back then, but I did. And I started praying and basically I went from one to the other way. And the end, I just said to God, the father for me, if this is what life is going to be, then let me take it, you know. But if you want to give me a new one, I'll give it to you. You know, and something happened there. You know, something pretty, yeah, 40 days of just this high, I've never experienced in my life. And the people at work thought I would try exactly what the heavy was going on with me because I was a, a rageaholic at work. And that had, yeah. Anyway, that, that, yeah, that was a, that was a neat experience. December the 8 1991, I remember like it was yesterday 10 30 in the morning. And that was another, another place where it made me aware of how lost I was. And then I continued on, you know, until 98. And then I was on the phone with my sponsor. And he tells me that, you know, if you act out again, I don't know if I can be your sponsor. So we ended the call and went to my room and I masturbated. And that was the big one. That was the one that thought, what the hell are you doing? This is the man that loves you. The man has been with you for day one in the program. And it really, it really shocked me. You know, and yeah, that was a turning point for me, believe it or not. It wasn't all the acting out. It was, well, it was, but just that moment, just that insanity, that is one that really clicked in my mind. And I've been sober since not perfectly. I don't have, you know, but what I got, I cherish. It's a gift. It's a bestowed gift, you know, I'll be very honest with you. If you want to know what I can do with recovery and sobriety, you look at my first eight and a half years. And then what you can, if you want to see what my higher power can do, then you look at my last 25 years, because that's really the difference. I know that, you know, that's been my big, big, big, it's just bestowed. I can't, it hasn't been taken away, but it sure has been lifted. You know, I don't, I don't obsess. I don't have that compulsion to act out anymore. And what a relief that has been. And it's brought a lot of peace and serenity. And so I'll go back to the title, you know, the reason I, it was funny because I forget her. And I don't know why I forget her name, but anyways, she had given me somewhat of a, you know, maybe, because I talked to her about being single and everything. And she had mentioned single, sober and serenity. And I said, no, let's go single, sober and sound. Because the biggest thing that recovery is brought about for me is that soundness. You know, I'm on the ground. I'm, I'm rooted today, in French. You know, I'm rooted in my, in the present moment. And I never experienced that before we come. I was always on in French solaloon on the moon. I was never really on earth. You know, I was always fantasizing or lusting or imaginary functioning or projecting anything but trying anything but being in the reality of the moment. For whatever reason, I'm just, it was just, there was so much fear there, there was so much shame there, there was so I could go on with the list. And I just didn't want to be there. And so I didn't, I just acted out. And my, my, my frequency of acting out was three to 10 times a day. I was acting out with myself and, and I was very faithful to my, my addiction. And I acted out with many, many, many young males in that time as well. And, and it made it, it, yeah, it really damaged a lot of religion. And it damaged, you know, my being able to forge a marriage, you know, it took away the opportunity of becoming in my, in my, in my faith, a priest or a brother, it took that away as well because of my, because of my addiction. And, and took so much more away, opportunity for growth, opportunity for, to being, you know, more successful in my, in my, in my work and what have you, it just, it's, it's a thief, you know, it just, it, it took away a lot of opportunities. And, yeah, so the reason I, yeah, the reason I picked single is, well, I've been single now for 30 years, you know, you know, I have not been married. And at that time, I have, I've dated a little bit. Yeah, I dated over the, over the years, but there was always just, I don't think I was ever, I was ever supposed to get married. I know, deep down, I know that, you know, I got married. When I got married, I got married out of convenience. I wanted to quiet down any perception people had of me, about being gay or whatever it was, you know. And so I married out of that place. And, and for me, I know for myself, I can't speak for others, but I know that I believe that some people are called to being single. And I know I am one of those. And, and the reason I say that is I'm equipped for, you know, I live a single life, and it's, it's been a really, it's been a really full life. I'm able to do a lot of things I would not have been able to do if I wasn't married. Just a fact for me. And I'm a great cook. Yeah, I, I don't know. So in some ways, not so sufficient, but I just like, I don't, the only time I get into having issues about being single is when I compare myself to those who are not single. And that's, that's a waste of time. There's a, there's a, a book out there, a little booklet called comparison, the thief of joy. And, and I so believe that. I really believe that. And the I'm not married. And, and if I try to think I should or could have would have, it's really a waste of time because I'm not, the reality is that I'm single. And I really believe for me that I've been called to being a single. And when I allow that, when I accept that, when I surrender to that, my life is really, really full. Like I, I am so at peace in that, in that life, you know, and, and like I said, it gives me so many opportunities to do a lot of things that I would never be able to do as a married just because of the time and what have you. And it works for me. I don't, I don't think it's for everybody, of course not. But same as I don't believe marriages for everybody either. And I know I'm one of those. I really know that I, I work with people with special needs. And that's been a, I've been doing that for about 20 years. Prior to that, you know, in my early years, especially when I was acting out, I was a salesman and a very, very, very successful one. I was really good at selling. I made it my God. And I was good at taking. I knew how to take really well. I could do that with my eyes closed. But to give was something I didn't have in me, unless there was something back coming. And if there wasn't anything coming back, what's the sense? What's the purpose? That was my attitude. Very selfish, very self-centered, very, very self-absorbed, very lost, very wounded, very broken. But I don't add that to it. That's the reason I basically was so self-centered because I was so damn wounded. I was so broken. I was so lost. And that was survival. I was trying to survive. And, and I used all those ways to do that. But they, they did, of course, they never, it never works. But to go back to the, yeah, just being single. Yeah, there's times, you know, like I say, if I compare it, I can get lonely. And if I, if I compare it, I can get angry. But I just, I, I just try not to. I just, I just live in the, in the, in the acceptance of it. And there's something profound that happens when I'm really at one with that. Like I'm truly free. And I can't explain that. Some things, you know, sacred things, spiritual things for me are really hard to put in words because they're something that's really, for me, a very sacred. I know evil very well. That's the one big thing that essay has brought about is awareness. You know, I like that triple A of a, a, you know, awareness, acceptance, and action, you know, but it starts with awareness. And that's the biggest thing that recovery has done for me is brought awareness, working through the steps, going to meetings, being a sponsor, being a sponsor. It's gotten to really get to know who I really am. I didn't know who the hell I was. No wonder I was running around like a chicken with no head on. You know, but through this group, through this fellowship, through the steps, through God's grace, it's been an incredible journey. Like I really like where I'm at, you know, and yeah, there's something about that awareness when I'm really, really given that awareness. And then the next step is mine. The awareness is on God. God gives me that awareness. I think acceptance is my part. Can I accept that awareness? The good, the bad and the ugly, but you know, can I accept that all? That's when the magic happens is why I accept that no matter what, you know, no matter how lonely that might feel or whatever it might be, whatever that, you know, but can I just accept it? And I believe that is the only time I can truly take the next right action, that third part of that awareness, acceptance, and then action. That's when the right action takes place is when I've taken out awareness that is God given for me, and I accept it. Then I'm in the place of grace. It is there that I can actually truly, truly take the next right action, hit miss, but more hit than miss. You know, and that's been my story. You know, it's really, it's really helped me to, you know, I was your Peter Pan, like to the Hill. I, you know, when I was in my 30s, I looked like I was in my teens, my late teens, you know, that's how badly I wanted it, you know. And now I got chicken skin under the neck. And it's okay, you know, I'm learning to accept it. And there's something about grace, there's something profound about bestowed grace. For me, I can't speak for other people. But what it's done for me in my life is some, I could have never accomplished in 20 lifetimes. I know that I know myself really well, you know. So for me, it is really truly a power greater than myself that's got me where I am today, and never ever sufficiently grateful, but as grateful as I can be. And I know he loves me exactly with that kind of, you know, limited love that I have just because I'm human. And I still got a ways to go and a ways to grow in this program. But I'm not going anywhere, you know, because there is nowhere else for me to go. That I know, it's a no brainer for me. And then that's a gift. That's a gift. I don't need to figure it out. It's, it's, it's so blatant for me, you know. And so, so I'm just grateful, you know, I'm really grateful not only to be single, but to be equipped to be so, you know. And that's the big one for me, because it's one thing to be single, but there's not a call or if it's something that I'm fighting, that can be, that can be, yeah, that can be worse, right? Five minutes, you know. Yeah, I think. Oh, yeah, this is Hanson up here. He's my roommate. He's been now for about six years. I've been looking up the birds for the last 20 years or so. And that, but this guy is really, really special. And I never realized when you actually take time and give of yourself, you see differently, you know, like, um, he's got, he's got such, he's got such a character. You would think it's just a bird. That's what I would say. It's just a bird. I never even thought birds even had, it was just like a bird. It hadn't, but this guy is just, he knows when I'm, when I need attention, you know, I'm taking a nap and he wakes up and he's on my lap sleeping, you know. And yeah, simple things bring joy, you know, like a little bird. It doesn't have to be this enormous bank account or whatever the heck it is I used to think would bring joy and peace and, you know, yeah. So I'm just, I'm blessed, you know, and I take that for granted. I forget what it was like. That's why I keep on going the meetings. That's why I keep on taking calls, making calls and reading and, you know, working the steps because I have, I have the forgetting disease. It seems to be getting worse in old age. I'm forgetting. Memory is, yeah, having fun with me right now and, but I'm never, yeah, I'm just grateful. I have a life worth living today, you know, and it's not always rosy and I thank God for that. You know, he's, he's left a thorn in my side to keep me close to him because he knows me well. If he cured me, I'd probably go back out there, you know he knows me well and so and I just go with that flow and when I do that things are good so i'm just gonna finish off with that just thank you again oh for yeah let me tell my little story and yeah just grateful to be sober grateful to be here and thank you very much thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you so much thank you so much thank you so much thank you so much for your your method i came because of this i came because i wanted to hear someone with your sobriety who's been single and when i came i got married because i couldn't do it and it was for the same reasons and i have i have four kids now but i constantly feel like i was not meant to be married so i love your message because it really helped to give me a perspective but my question is do you think that you came to the conclusion that because of your experience with men or do you think it was more because of your your your i don't want to use the word research but your recovery in the program told you of what you were in a relationship and what you gave you said a lot you took you took you took so was it like you know your hair power like showed you like the kind of person that you become in a marriage or was it more of you're you're just attracted to men and you'd rather not be with a man thank you time yeah good question um it's probably a bit about you know i think it's a bit of everything you know i think without a doubt the going into saying gender lust as i did for the many years i did and especially with the compulsion and the sessiveness and the chronic aspect of it it probably had a play in the thing but you know for me my hair power god works in very very mysterious ways you know there's a saying something like you know my thoughts are not your thoughts and my ways are not your ways and i really believe that for myself you know the deep down thing though if i really look at the i mean there's all kinds of things that may have played into it but i really believe i was just i was called to be single you know and i think i just fought that because everybody else was married you know so i thought it was you know with my family especially and so yeah but i think the deep deep reason because i think if it was only the because of the men thing i i think there would still be a battle there you know and the battle is in there because i think it really is a calling that i was for myself called to to being single i think it was all along and i think i i just went against that and then when i came through the other side of it it's basically i realize that this is exactly where i'm supposed to be you know i hope that answers your question thank you ronciel thank you ivo Juan Carlos very much i don't know if i sit a lot you're there i can relate yeah a lot there i that's also the same social identity and i married my wife rightfully i'm still married but when i entered in recovery i realized i was aware of my problem and also that i was engaged with her i still engaged with her so nowadays well i also accept the tendency i i am expecting i can that tendency i realize that also it changes something in me in my recovery but and i also in action because i am very active in recovery in my work programming the steps i'm showing it because i decided to be the problem but i would love to know how we can debate the ones that when you get an action in doing the same for me it's something very good good i i'm not sure if i heard it properly because of the the um not not your um yeah the audio yeah Juan Carlos you broke up a little bit with the question could you do the question again yeah secondly i would like to know how to do it and i'm going to make up uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh okay so are you asking me how i do the triple a on the daily basis is that which you're was that your question yeah okay good now i just want to make sure i just want to make sure yeah just because your your audio is a little bit choppy i'm yeah it's not your track center thing it's just more of the the audio but yeah so for me on a daily basis is well yeah if i work you know for me it's you know i'm bigger on awareness because i don't do well when i'm not you know i don't do well with the unknown so i am always trying to be aware of what's going on inside and outside of me uh imperfectly right because i'm never gonna get it done perfectly and then for me the the bigger part is not just your awareness but it's the acceptance of that when i know it's coming from the higher power you know and and i still once in a while i go into my either my ego or my pride or my rebellion or my defiance but not like i used to it's a lot less it's still there and it just makes me continue working on my program and then that for me that's when i'm again that's when i can that's the beautiful thing about you know the triple A is that it is totally tied into one day at a time right and so actually one moment of the time because it can it can be practiced over and over during a day right you know when i'm given that awareness and then you know am i gonna accept it or not and then i can then take the then you know the next right action right so i try to practice that you know and but again imperfectly i have the forgetting disease sometimes i forget that i need to accept it because i'm stambering frenchman so i'll say that like yeah i thank you i don't i don't like thank you thank you one card loss and thank you emo dave and see hello yes thank you great share appreciate your honesty and it keeps bringing up this question that i you know i i too have crossed the gender line it has been a very long time since i have but i but i definitely have it it still comes up you know i still have that that feeling of man is it's right is it's wrong what am i doing i it's a little confusing a little it's a little awkward to talk about i've never i've never shared that with anybody else i just i feel compelled to just bring that out into the light and uh and just you know when you keep saying an awareness and acceptance that's that's what i feel like today so i was just uh my question is kind of pretty pretty basic it's like did you get any clarity which are sexual orientation as a result of doing the steps for me the clarity came with the sobriety definition that's why i'm in this program that sobriety definition which is very clear you know for me i understood it from the day i came into this program on November 28 1998 that for me that definition was no sex with self or others other than your wife for me which is a heterosexual marriage spouse for me that's how i understand that's how i always i've always understood the definition as being such and that is the clarity i got i i see for myself again i can only speak for myself but i see the the attraction i had to do young men was nothing but lust it was just pure lust that's that's my my understanding of it and i i live on that it's it saved my life because i wouldn't be here on this program today i would not be here if it wasn't for that definition because i would have continued and i would be either in jail or in a asylum or in a coffin by no doubt i don't mean to have the faith twice about it this has been a lifesaver this program that's why i continue coming here and that definition is truly for me a gift from god that's why you have it thank you thank you david for the question thank you evan yack hope yeah thanks everyone thanks for giving me time to speak and ask thank you so much evan for sharing good to hear you again yeah so many things spoke to me it's it's for me it gives me hope to and and and more willingness to really let go of the next moment the next day the next year whatever the future really live it give it up to god whether someday i will be with with a woman that god wants me to be with as a wife or not or stay single hearing a recovery story like that you know that that it's possible to live a happy sober life single too is very important message for me helps me to hear this again helps me to really let go so thanks for that reminder i have a lot of questions i think the main one what would really interest me is can you elaborate more about what joy you discovered throughout all of these years of your sobriety now of your recovery in the beginning maybe recently even new things that you discover in in recovery about yourself about how you see the outside world how you see your fellow human beings in essay outside of essay activities that you have learned to to enjoy or learned again to enjoy in recovery things that help you help you that enlighten your soul up or time thank you shika yeah to me like you're like a joyless once kind of thing i have i've had a lot of those over the years they they they're sort of they're coupled with the awakenings you know spiritual awakenings i've had over the years those joy responses are there as well but the biggest joy response is basically learning to be a human being when i've been a human doing most of my life it was really draining it was so draining to be a human doing you know it wasted a lot of time energy and today i just just being i mean just just having the ability to be without having to do some results or catapults or anything of that sort but just be who i am and to be able to accept myself in my own skin that's the biggest joy response i've had in my recovery that's the one that's lifted me that's the one that's keeping me going and that's the one i want to be like i really want to be myself today you know and that's and that's i could have never that i could have never imagined that and i could have never made that happen if it wasn't for this group and most importantly for my higher power just to be who i am you know warts and all and yeah that's that for me is my biggest joy response i've had thank you thank you very much you don't thank you thank you thank you you won't and now we have Claudia i could anyone take time for me janiel has it thanks thank you i'm i'm glad i'm a sexahoric thank you so much wan i'm really very touched and it comes through directly into my heart what you what you shared it's so yeah i feel really blessed that i could hear this and i'm also single since 14 years or so or more i don't and it sounds that you are really in peace with being a single it's not the case with me again again again i think i think i should be in a in a marriage and i really i really appreciate what i i wrote down a lot of what you said so the last one was human doing and human being wow that's so great and compare everything a sieve of joy and i want to ask you what did you do about your brokenness and woundedness because you shared about your self-centeredness as an enrude as a wantedness and brokenness as the root of your self-centeredness and this is what i'm experiencing right now thank you very strong and i'm really powerless over my self-centeredness but what did you do about your brokenness and your woundedness you talked about thank you thank you Claudia well i didn't it's god you know for me those things i'm just not i'm powerless only that kind of stuff no powerless over me and for me i'll be honest with you the biggest thing i have that i cherish the most in my life is my my relationship with god that that's um you know all honors and glorious his when it comes to my recovery i've got very little to do with it other than just basically responding but and even that i give him because i don't think i would be able to respond to my own enemies you know people say you know all your courageous yeah then thanks to god you know but you've got perseverance thanks to god i don't take any of it because i don't know how to do that because if i take it peace i'll take it all you know and so i just learned for me that when something is beyond my capability i just turn it over to god and it doesn't always come right away but it does come around just not my time and my way you know 100% of my prayers have been answered 99% of them not the way i would but they won't be answered and that to me is the big one if it says it in our book and i think in the big book and that is find god or die that's to me is my that's i don't know what i do without that it's it's only through my house first time where i'm at today and i say that with all humility because it's it is my case thank you klaudia and thank you evan and now we have sam thank you hello thank you evan for sharing very powerful story and good things to hear for me as well just 24 and i think when i first came into the program and i was trying to get sober thought my problem was pornography and i would hear people say you know well it took me two years to kick my my habit and i was wrestling for a long time and i had to realize that i'm not just a guy who struggles with pornography i'm a sex holic through and through and i know that i can still wrestle with it coming to experience that there are a lot of things that i assumed i knew that i don't and i'm just trying to learn to not play god and in your share it sounded like a lot of the the the peace came whenever you were able to accept your singleness and to live within those confines i wanted to ask maybe like if you can recall whenever you were getting sober and accepting that whenever you're so ready to rather what surrendering playing god look like thanks well i'm still working on that i will be telling the dead i got quite the ego you know and um but yeah for me it's a daily uh just a daily reprieve you know i like being right and i like being the center of attention and i could go on with all the attributes that come within selfish they're just not what they used to be i don't think it's an eradication of defects that is the object it's uh you know it's a progressive victory over them for me you know because i don't think i want all taken away anyway because i would take him all the way i like evil i've actually got to love evil you know and um and that includes my short questions i'm gonna have those and then i'm gonna completely go away and uh and every time i do that i just hurt myself and others around me you know again acceptance you know i gotta accept you know with i can't two by four myself into this program and into recovery i kept the wood industry in business with all the two by fours i used in my early stages of recovery i used to beat the shit myself with a two by four you know and that doesn't work and now i do it with gentleness and i do it with wealth and and imperfectly people i'm not perfect and far from it you know he would tell you if you could talk oh yeah he doesn't talk people ask me does he talk no but i i but i tell him but i chirp because that's that's the case though so i'm not sure i'm not sure if that answers your questions and but that's my yeah that's that's what comes to mind yeah sure gessvere was daily reprieve focusing on that thank you thank you sam and thank you evaal so i'll pipe in with a question i've always been single i've never lived with anyone and i sometimes i feel sometimes like i'm missing i've missed an essential aspect of being a human being at this point i think i could not stand to live with anyone else so i'm clear on that and they wouldn't want me either pretty set in my ways but i wonder if you could elaborate a little bit on being called to be single and and what are some of the things that you are grateful for that you can do or be as a single person um yeah yeah i don't think anybody could live with me either and i don't think i could live with anybody i he'll he'll he'll attest to that can yet can you i'm sorry can you ask me that question again sorry my mind is a little bit off right yeah just the things you can celebrate about being single do or be that you wouldn't happen if you were married yeah well you know not being accountable in while in the addiction would be dangerous but not being accountable as if as a single sober recovering individual there's something about that when i say accountable i don't mean i can just do what i want it says somewhere do you know love god and do as you please for me right that's that's a line that comes to my mind you know to to love god and do as you please so you would think you could just go out and do whatever you like no no the that first part is love god so if i love god i'm not going to do anything for myself i'm not going to do anything to offend that relationship so i'm going to do what's in the right context of that and that's that's that's what keeps me and you know i work with people with special needs i've been doing that for 20 years i mentioned that earlier i spoke more about the cells piece than i did the other and it's been you know what i think they helped my recovery more than any other group of people in my life is my individual that i support because they've taught me to be who i am because that's what they want from me with them if they want me to just they don't want me there to change them they just want me there to support them and you know god has given me children in that sense and in that way you know and it's been a the most one the most rewarding gifts i've had in my life working with these individuals i have to watch them i have to feed them i have everything and it's just so humbling and i've learned from them just just accept myself the way you know and i don't need to be changed i just need to be helped and supported and that's what i get from the essay program you guys are not doing it for me you're just basically giving some example you're showing me how and that sort of thing yeah i can't you know put a word on exactly what it is that i can do it's just a life i have i don't have to be i don't i don't have to be married to be happy i thought that's what i needed to do but then when i accept i think that's the big one is is the acceptance piece as long as i question it or doubt it or whatever it i'll never be in it i'll never be i'm just i'm still doing you know but when i just accept it you know and and sometimes it's hard to accept because there's that piece of loneliness that comes down and sometimes you know those violins and cellos can play pretty high and strong you know but then i and it's okay i just let them play through you know i listen to the whole melody and then i i'll myself to just accept it and just something about that i'm not sure if that answers your question or go but that's yeah yeah thank you thank you so much we have time for maybe one more question you can just speak up nada um hi everyone i'm nada i'm sorry it's a bit noisy i'm sorry i was also late though i haven't heard the whole thing but my question is i have a desperate need to to have a relationship and i've always been like that and i don't know whether this is natural because i just feel that it is that you know to get married and do it in the right way and having a healthy relationship but accepting the fact that this is not happening now is i think also part of part of recovery and that it's going to be on the right time but my question is how can i how can i just remind myself to but i i don't need to control this and also how how do i know when i'm ready to be in our relationship thank you thank you nada i like your i like your cat sorry he's a little kitty well you know i always ask myself you know sometimes i ask myself how big is my god how big is he is he all powerful so if he's all powerful will i know when it's time i would think yeah i will because he's he's not the hiding seat kind of god that i know anyways that that's not the god that i know and he's not always give me the answer they want to hear but he gives me the answers i need to hear but yeah for me if i there's just something about you know i think you know when i'm when i'm close to god when i'm when i'm like for me you know my my prayers my meditation my scripture reading you know my devotional readings all those come into play in regards to that relationship with my higher power then when that when that it's like having a friend right hey how how much time am i spending with that friend if i'm only spending one day a month with them the friendship is going to be somewhat of a you know not too much of a relationship but if i spend every day with that i get to know you know that person a lot more when it's on a daily basis and i would if it's on a monthly basis and for me it's the same thing with god i get to know not only he but i get to know what his will for me is if i'm really connecting and i don't do that perfectly but i know it's a lot better than it was because things just i just know when things are i'm supposed to do something you know and one way i do that is of course i speak to my sponsor as well and i speak to others and i listen to the people in the group and i i learn from new people i you know and that to me has been the way i've i've learned to know when it's time to do or not do something imperfectly i made mistakes and will continue to but like i said earlier there's a lot more hit than miss when i'm close to god right and when i stop going for myself or by stop going to service service the services i go to in my faith which i can go to daily when i'm available to go when i don't go there there's like i have a different day than when i do that i know little things like so for me i can't speak for others right but that's what works for me thank you thank you thank you nada thank you yvall and that's the time we have in this part of the meeting you're welcome to stay for the parking lot and thank you very much yvall this has been a fantastic meeting i would like to thank you for listening to this episode of the daily reprieve the best source for experience strength and hope for essay members please subscribe to this podcast to be alerted of new episodes please show 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