(upbeat music) - Portia, are you ready to get in bed with me? - I am, I am in bed with you. I'm so ready to get in bed with you. Good, it was perfect. Everyone, I have Portia Brown, sex coach and sex educator here with me today. Thank you so much for coming. Thank you for having me. This is so awesome. I'm looking forward to this all week. - I know. We had to reschedule. - Yeah, we had a little mishap. I got locked out of my house because I can be a little forgetful, but especially when I'm on my way to get coffee. - Yeah, but we're here now. - We made it. Yes, through all the weather and everything, we're here. - Okay, so how did you become a sex coach? Tell us. - So long story short, this is the story I always tell because it's pretty unconventional. I didn't like wake up one day and say, "I wanna be a sex educator. I wanna go into this career." It's something that just happened over time as things unfolded. So when I was a kid, I grew up with very religious parents. And so nobody ever talked to me about sex ever, but I of course was curious, number one, because I was going through puberty. - 'Cause you're human. - Yeah, 'cause I'm a human being and sexy things were happening around me and me. And my mom didn't have the language to like talk to me about sex, but she is brilliant. And so she bought me that one book that most young American millennial girls had, my body, my choice or something like that. I can never remember the name of it, but it's all about puberty, et cetera, okay? And so I thought in my head, like, oh, so all of these things are not actual conversations I'm ever gonna have. I'm gonna have to learn this for myself. And it ended up being true, like love you mom, but we didn't talk about sex until I was really an adult. So I started going to my local library and reading a bunch of books. - Well, how old were you, right? I'm like 12, 13, like just going through puberty. So you were curious, like you wanted to learn. - I needed to, and I had questions that there was no one around me who felt safe to ask. - But you went to books, you didn't go to porn, which is what most people would do. - I also went to porn. - But you went to books, they couldn't see you. - I went to books first, and then the library did not have a like censorship on their computers, so I also went to porn. And then I got a computer at home. - That's cool. - A lot of my education started there, like literally at my local library. Looking at books, some of which were age appropriate, some were not, and when they were not, I remember taking some sort of self-help type book to my librarian to check out. And she was like, you cannot take this book off. But like, you are a little girl. - I just read in the library anyways. So fast forward to college, and I reignite sort of this desire to talk about sexuality and things like that. - But to help was puberty. - Oh, how was puberty? - Puberty was interesting. I remember like feeling queer desires for the first time at like age 13 and being very freaked out because I was raised Christian, and that was like a huge no-no. I also was like a horny little girl, and I was like jerking it all the time, and I felt really awful about that. So there is like this weird guilt that comes with religious stuff, as you know. But then I also was having a lot of fun sort of coming into my own, growing up, becoming a teenager, learning to flirt, learning that I could flirt, and like boys were attracted to me. - Yeah, but in other ways kind of icky too. - It's a weird time. - Like icky to always is, yeah, it's a weird time. It's generally a weird time. I didn't get any boobs until I was like 25. So now they're, what? - You know, yeah, I literally was flat-chested. Almost until I was 20, no, I'll say 23. - Wow, I got my boobs at like 14 or 13 or something. - Yeah, my body was not. - Holy shit. - Okay, so you got into college. What did you study and how was the college life? - Yeah, so I went to school to be a news reporter. I went to school for broadcast and cinematic arts. - I can see that. - Yeah. - I see it. That was something I did for a little while shortly before I sort of transitioned into this space. Yeah, so I went to school for that. And I also was volunteering on my campus with a group called The Safe for Sex Patrol, which was an organization that like passed out condoms and gave consent trainings and workshops to different student groups, things like that. So I was like, yeah, and that's sort of where I got my base for like my education on how to become a sex educator, essentially. But then I graduated. And so I went to, how was college life? Like, a periody culture wise, sex wise, weird wise. - Yeah, I had a really interesting and really rich college experience. I really like let myself go. I didn't move out of my parents' house and like actually started a four-year university until I was 21, okay. So traditionally it's 18, I didn't go until I was 21. So I was already a little bit older. I was living on my own for the first time. I moved out of my parents' house. No parents, no rules. It was like, all bets are off. (laughs) So, and I was like sexually active shortly before that. I had sex for the first time at 18 or 19. But by the time I was 21, I was finally having conversations with myself about why the sex I was having with other people was not doing the thing that sex with myself was like. And I also started having sex with women. I really got to explore my queer identity my last year or so of college and like really come out and own that part of myself. But I was having a lot of sex. I was, I really, really, really lived up in college. Yeah, I must say. And I learned a lot more about sex and sexuality. I started to learn, wow, people are talking about sex in the online space. Like, I learned about Shan Boudrim, Dr. Lindsey Doe, all these amazing YouTubers who were talking about sex in long-form content. And I was like eating, like gobbling it up. I was like, this is amazing. But I never thought like, I could probably do something kind of like that to even be an online sex educator until much later on. So that's what college was like, basically. Okay, what about shame? Like, what kind of thoughts were you having? Did you feel guilty that you were having so much sex? Like, when you did have your first queer experience, like, what was that like? What did you have to work through? Yeah, when I was first having like a lot of sexual experiences, I definitely dealt with these feelings of like, okay, so I probably shouldn't like marry this person, right? If we're gonna have sex, like, this is probably somebody I should like marry so I can make it right. And I had these feelings of like a deep divide within myself where I was like really enjoying this and exploring myself, exploring other people through sex and intimacy. And then having these dark feelings of like, but yeah, this is wrong. And you're only gonna be able to do this for a certain amount of time before you like have to grow up and pick a husband and like do the whole thing. And then I remember for the first time ever meeting another group of sort of pseudo-closited, queer black fems and learning that they were like, kind of like, I feel like I'm outing people 'cause I don't know, but- Okay. But I haven't talked about this- You're not saying this part of the entire- I know, I haven't talked about this part. But basically finding out that there were groups of girls on my campus that were friends, but they were like doing gay shit together, you know? Like, as one does, and I was like, oh, like, so I've been really curious about this. I wanna do it, I wanna do it too. And then eventually I was like, yeah, I definitely am not fully sure. And I also remember I was dating actually a guy at one point. And it was at a bar and there was this girl, I'll never forget this girl. I saw her all the time and I thought she was so pretty, she had like purple hair, shout out to you purple hair. I still don't remember your name. But I ended up making out with her at the bar in front of him at one point. And I thought he was gonna be so upset. And we go back to my apartment and he's like, so you like really like that. He goes like, um, perhaps. What are you trying to say? And like through our conversation, like he essentially got me to come out to myself fully as like not just girl who likes kissing girls. I wish someone had done that to me 'cause like I loved kissing my friends and I thought that was so straight. Yeah, I think a lot, yeah, I definitely was like, that was just one time thing. I was kind of tipsy, but it was like, no, he was like, there's something going on when I was watching this where I could tell you really enjoyed that. You really liked that. So that was one of the moments I remember coming to terms with like, I know I've been telling myself I cannot feel this way or I should not feel this way or I'm not allowed to or, you know, all of the hell and fire and brimstone and damnation that comes with being queer, like thinking about all of that. But then being like, but I like, I don't, I don't think there is anything wrong with it. You know what I mean? Like, I know this book and this life that I had been brought up in was telling me that, but when I looked within myself and I was trying to learn to trust myself, I realized like I actually don't align with that. And that was a huge breaking. It was like the floodgates broke open from that point on because if I didn't have to feel shame or if I was choosing to work through shame about being queer because I still deal with it, you know, it never fully goes away. I could also work through the shame of like feeling as if sex is bad, fornicating is wrong, fire brimstone, you're going to hell, you know. So it was a huge turning point. And I also through my relationship with other women realized that, you know, guys are bad at sex or I was bad at communicating with guys. Like I mean, I know exactly what you mean. I was like, whoa, like, you know, this is what I thought it was going to, this is what it was going to give with men, but this is what it's giving with girls. So like, what's up? And so I started like, I didn't know this at the time or I guess I wouldn't have used this language, but I started queering my heterosexual relationships by like what I was called now, decentering penetration and like, inviting my partners to engage with me in a different way and touch me in a different way. That was more similar to what I would do if I was with somebody who didn't have a penis. And then all of my interactions got better. - Sex got better. - Yes. Yeah, you just have to do it like girls do it, regardless. If you have a penis and you don't understand how lesbian sex works with vulva and vulva sex works, you're doing sex wrong, period. - Fully, like I fully believe that. If you think that sex is purely penetration, if you think that penetration is the best part of sex, if you equate penetration to like, if it doesn't happen, then I didn't have sex, you're missing out on a world of other things you can do to gather and ways to explore with people and you're facking up a little bit, you know? - Oh, really? - I love that, so now, like, you seven years ago and you now, what kind of relationships were you having then in your current fiance? 'Cause you're just gonna get. - I did, yeah. - So how do you compare, like, what were you allowing then that you don't allow now? How have you like, grown? I think that, well, my first boyfriend, we started dating when he was in house arrest. The guy, I lost my, the guy had sex with the first time. He was on house arrest. So I was not, I was not doing well with picking men. I was not, and you were doing well, it was, I remember one time, can I tell this for a really quick that's all the time, it's really funny. I was dating this young man. We were 18 or 19. This is the person that I lost my virginity to because I still don't know why, but one time we were having sex and I was standing up with my hands on a dresser and he was like standing behind me. And I remember, I like, bent all the way over to like touch my toes. 'Cause I was doing the most. And I looked down and I look at his ankle and there's a fucking tether on it. And I was like, for one moment, I was like, this may not be the best choice. - Well, you didn't know? - No, I absolutely knew he was on house arrest. That's how this whole thing got started. But I absolutely knew he was on house arrest. But that was the moment where I was like, I had a moment of reflection. I was like, I shouldn't be doing this. This young man is probably not gonna leave me into a good place. And then we dated it for like two years, it was terrible. - How did you meet, did you meet before he was? - Yeah, we did, yes, we did. He was a friend of a friend. We met before that and then he committed a craving. He got in trouble for, I think he got two DUIs by the time we were 18 and like minor in possession, like it was alcohol related. So it wasn't like, he was a cool, heartache criminal. But trust me, there were signs and I ignored them and I paid the price. - And you stayed with him for two years. - We dated off and on for like two years. - Until you went off to college. - Basically. - Yeah, pretty much, yeah. Yeah, pretty much. And then after that, I was sort of casually dating here and there. I definitely allowed myself to be strung along a lot longer than I did in my like older age. Being in college and dating is hard because, because of purity culture, because of my upbringing, I kind of felt like I should be looking for a life partner or a husband. But then I also just wanted to have a good time and just have fun and enjoy myself and enjoy like, I just remember feeling this sense of happiness and getting to know people for the sake of getting to know them and not having all this pressure. And I was like, I don't, when I think about these relationships as like having this end goal, it's not as fun for me. So I decided to lean into that. I, when I look back on it, there's a lot of things that I would do differently. There's a lot of people I wouldn't give as much time to because they were using me because they were not honest with me because they were judgmental of the things I would ask for, like I was starting to sort of like, what were you asking for? - Yeah, I was starting to like find my voice as a sexual being and asking for certain things in bed, asking people to go to the clinic with me to get STI testing, asking people to wear a fucking condom. And they were like, this is the bare minimum. - I'm saying, like at 21, 22, 23 years old, I was starting to ask for these things and starting to feel like, okay, I should stay in an integrity with the things that I'm teaching about consent and like ask for my partner's consent. I remember the first time somebody asked for my consent, like verbally, and it was the hottest thing I'd ever heard. - It's so hot. - I was like, oh my gosh, like this is somebody who respects me? Nothing makes me put my pussy wetter than somebody who respects me. So, but yeah, I was starting to vocalize what my needs were. And I was finding out very quickly that the people I was engaging with, they were not aligned because they were not responding well. The boys I was involved with and some of the women too, they were not responding well to me asking for my basic needs to be met in order to feel safe having sex with them. So I'm grateful for that experience because by the time I got on the other side of it and finished school and like, started dating as an adult, I was much quicker to be like, much quicker to be like, no, this question is actually a test. Do you wanna go get an STI screening done with me? If they hesitate or say something weird off rip, I'm like, no, like you are not mature enough for me. Like we could have this conversation, but it feels like a no. So I learned my vetting processes, I would say, in college. - Okay, you talk a lot about good sex not being effortless because that is what we see in the media that we just think we magically connect on every fucking level, nothing needs to be said. We just read minds, obviously. And I know exactly what the other person wants and vice versa, and then we have mind blowing sex. But in reality, it takes work, it takes work. Yeah, I think like, if there's one thing I want, if I like had 10 minutes to literally speak to everyone on earth, like if I had a meg phone and I could speak to everyone on earth, I would say like the fact, the idea that pleasure is easy is a lie. Sometimes it is really effortless. Sometimes when you first meet somebody, you have this chemistry that just ignites and everything is perfect. But if we're talking about long-term relationships, if we're talking about sex and disability, if we're talking about sex as we age, if we talk about sex as we're going through stress, sometimes those things are gonna create complications that mean that it's not effortless. And I, as a person who's in a long-term relationship, my now fiance and I, we've been together almost seven years. Now that I'm doing this and experiencing this longer-term relationship, I'm realizing how much self-exploration, how much conversation, how much creativity, how much research goes into having good sex. And we could have sex every day 'til the cows come home, but if we're not communicating, if we're not self-exploring, if we're not researching and trying new things that sometimes work, sometimes don't, it's going to get real stale really fast. And I think embracing that and accepting it has made it so that we have better sex. We have a really happy sex life because we both try and we put effort behind it and we don't just sort of expect it to just flourish. And I think that is the idea people have in their head that like, oh, if me and this person are meant to be, if this is my soulmate, then rainbows are gonna shoot out of both of our asses and we're gonna be great, but that's just not the truth of the matter. And it doesn't mean your relationship is broken, it doesn't mean that anything is wrong if you take a little more effort to make good sex happen. But I also think in even in casual relationships or one night stands, it can be great, but if you want it to be mind blowing, you have to fucking communicate. Like they might be hitting kind of the right spot and it feels amazing, but if you told them to move a little bit to the fucking left, that would be outstanding. So yeah, I agree a thousand percent. I feel like we, almost the first time you have sex with someone, it feels like a test to see like how aligned you are rather than like using that as an opportunity like you're saying, to communicate and say what your needs are and see how they respond 'cause that will tell you a lot. - Yeah, but also it could be a test. Like if someone is really not interested in my pleasure, I'm like, okay, there's the door. - Goodbye. - Yeah, exactly. And that's what, yeah, I feel like if you're advocating for yourself in bed and your partner is trying and missing, that's better than if you're advocating for yourself in bed and your partner is like all rolling their eyes in. I actually, one time I was in college, I was, again, trying to exercise my voice and I was giving my partner some guidance or direction and he was like, you think I don't know what I'm doing? I was like, get up, get out of here. Like, you can't think about a thousand percent in a case I'm out. - It's so hard sometimes to be like, you know, get up from a day to the lead if you're uncomfortable. So yeah, that was my last few weeks of college where I really stopped giving a fuck, but I was like, you're not gonna talk, like, please leave. - Yeah, gotta go. - As a mess. - And he, the people, he was like-- - He was perfect, he was gonna upset, but my roommates were home. - Oh, okay. - He wasn't gonna do anything. - If you don't, yeah, be safe if you do that. - Yeah, sometimes sometimes, yeah. That wasn't a fear of mine at that time for some reason, but now I'd be way more hesitant. - You also talk a lot about, we worry about a partner's ego and feelings when we are especially having sex with them, we are afraid to admit we've been faking orgasms if you have, or to be like, hey, I actually don't like it. When you do that, can you please do it a different way? Or like, that's too hard, you know? Or you're not rough enough, whatever it is, right? So how can we get better at advocating for our pleasure and being kind, obviously, but like putting ourselves first in our pleasure? - Yeah, what I tell people and myself, because everything that I put on the internet, everything I say to other people pretty much struggle with. - Yeah, it's things that I have dealt with or I'm currently dealing with, but when we think about being better communicators, when we think about advocating for ourselves, we have, in our relationships and in sexuality, we also have to think about how am I not showing up for myself like at work? Or when I talk to my mom and I let her talk to me in the old kind of way? Or when I am in this relationship, this platonic relationship, am I advocating for myself in those environments too? And the reason that I say that is, that is a good place to practice. It often feels a lot, depending on the circumstance, like lower stakes. So it feels like, okay, I can learn to advocate for myself when I'm on the subway and someone is standing on my foot, where I ordinarily wouldn't. Or whatever their situation might be. Or I can learn to put up a boundary or advocate for myself when I'm at a restaurant and my friend keeps eating my fries and I don't want them to. I don't want to share my fries. Like learning to find those like low hanging fruit moments can be a good practicing ground for learning to advocate for yourself in the bedroom a lot more. And I think communication outside of the bedroom is so overlooked and so important. If you're talking to your partner about your needs, your wants, your desires, whether that be your on a casual relationship or if you are in a longer term relationship, that takes so much pressure off of like, what's happening in the moment. - And the moment is usually not, unless it's like faster, a little too left or right. That's fine, but like if it's like a long conversation, in the moment after having sex, it's not the time. - Yeah. - Right after like, unless it's like sandwiched in compliments, I'm like do it when like, when you're having dinner or like watching TV or whatever, it has to be a neutral environment. - Absolutely. - Yeah, feelings can be heard then. And emotions are high, you're so vulnerable as you're having sex before and after. So like pick the right moment. - Yeah, 10,000%. I think that's a great tip, like picking the right moment and finding the right space to have those conversations. Like it can make all of the difference, you know what I'm saying? But think about like, where you can advocate for yourself more in other parts of your life as sort of a practicing ground and then have those conversations. And then unfortunately, you know, sometimes you have to, and people aren't gonna like this, but sometimes you have to just pick one thing and just do it. If you're having sex with someone and you notice that they always do this thing or you find yourself in a sexual situation with different partners where they are not giving you enough nipple stimulation or you wanna kiss more or they're not focusing on your clitoris enough. Like make that the thing that you're gonna think of ahead of time and say, when this is happening, I'm gonna say it like this. And like decide before you even get in bed with them. And then just go for it. And just some things you have to just do. The leading up to saying the thing versus when you actually say it is way worse. So keep that in mind. And also keep, remember that a good partner is going to want to please you. So if you're scared about hurting their feelings, remember that they wanna make you feel good. And if there's anything I can do to make my partners feel better, if it's like a simple change or a medium change, I will happily, so like, keep that in mind. If you would do X, Y and C for your partner, they probably will for you too. Like they wanna make you feel good. They're so recent, they're having sex with you, right? So also remember them. I love that. I feel like that's something that we overlook and it's like, actually this is an opportunity for like me to do more vetting and find out more about these people. When we make ourselves small in our relationships and in bed, we deprive our partners of the opportunity to show up for us when we're being authentic. And when we're more authentic, we get to find out who this other person is that we're rolling around. Like who are you really, you know? Are you really somebody who cares about me? Or is this about you and your pleasure only? - Yeah, and do you wanna be with someone that cannot even take a little bit of feedback too? Like question that. - Good question as well. - Yeah, good question. - Okay, what about, 'cause I love talking about this, having, well, I love orgasms and if you want one, you should get one. But like I can have the most amazing mind-blowing sex without coming and I don't care if I don't come. So something that has been happening to me, probably off and on for the last year is I have not been taking my own advice and I've become hyper fixated on coming and orgasming in my relationship and in my sexual encounters and in my solo play and it's not fun. Like you get to the orgasm, you have it and you're like, that was awesome. And then you're like, I wish I had been more present, you know? I wish I had been more like looking at my partner, looking into their eyes, talking to them, like trying to connect with them rather than like trying to force it. Yeah, I hate that. So yeah, I completely agree with you. Again, people don't wanna hear that because we spent so much time and energy talking about the orgasm gap. We've spent so much time and energy talking about female pleasure, women's pleasure and to not orgasm feels like a sin. But it's really like, it's not the end all be all. I think both can be true. I think the orgasm gap needs to, you know, fucking disappear. I think female pleasure is so important. I think everyone needs to learn about female anatomy, you know, learn where the fuck the clitoris is, like all of these things are important. But at the same time, and if you wanna orgasm, work for it, get it. But like, if you're in your head, if you're not feeling your best and if you don't come, don't just be like, that was a failure. You know, like, that was terrible. Like, I can enjoy sex so fucking much if I don't come. And sometimes with partners, they're like, wait, and I'm like, I'm good. Like, I had so much fun. I don't need to come. Thank you for caring because green flag, if you care and you want me to come, I love you. But I don't have to. And then, you know, like orgasm doesn't mean great sex. Sometimes you come and it's underwhelming and it's like the fastest thing ever. And sometimes you play for three hours and you don't come and it's like life changing. So, yeah, I always say you can have a really, you can have a really fulfilling sexual experience that does not include an orgasm and you can have a really unfulfilling sexual experience that does. I definitely have been there multiple times, both in solo play and with partners. And I feel like Dr. Emily Nagoski says, pleasure is the measure. Like we're really supposed to be focusing on like, how good we are feeling, how good our partners feeling, how much joy and like presence we can conjure in the moment rather than like, yep, we both came. So that was great. Check. You know, that's not necessarily true. Well, I want to talk about being present because you've mentioned it a few times and you also talk a lot about masturbation and solo explosion, regardless of your relationship status. Yeah, so tell everyone how important it is to keep exploring your body, masturbating, even if you're in a relationship. I feel like one of the most common questions I get from people is how do I remain present and not get distracted and get all in my head when I'm with my partner? And to me, the most important intimate relationship you'll ever have, whether you're married, whether you're poly, whether you're single forever, whatever your relationship structure is, you are your most important intimate partner. When you are exploring by yourself, when you allow yourself the time and the space to explore pleasure without anybody else looking at you, without anybody else needing you, you're gonna make discoveries, you're gonna have revelations, you're gonna have experiences that you simply cannot have when you're with a partner. And if you are doing it intentionally, it can also be a space where you practice being present. When you are experiencing pleasure and that can be hopefully something you take back to your partner experiences, that can hopefully be something that you can leverage or use to enhance being with somebody else, right? Or nothing else, it just is gonna give you information about yourself, about your own body and about pleasure, the way that you need it. So I also think that it's dangerous in a relationship to make the other person like your only source of sexual gratification. - It's exhausting. No, no, it's such a, and what if your partner is not in the mood, they're tired, like you can go play with yourself. And if you wanna do X, Y, and C, the kinkiest, nastiest shit, go you and your partner's not interested, then go do it by yourself, like, you know. - Keep exploring. - Yeah, I feel like you should not, we should not be held back by someone else's libido, somebody else's schedule. There are so many things that impact people's libido. There are so many things stress, how hydrated you are, your genetic makeup, what you've been eating, all of these things can impact your libido. So it is virtually impossible for two people to always be on the same schedule sexually. It just, like, it doesn't really happen like that. So if you are feeling like you have a need and you can take care of it, I want my partner to do that. I'm in school right now, I'm working, I own a business, I'm busy as shit, I'm also stressed, it has impacted my libido. And I know it's going to chronically impact my libido for the next year and a half or two years until I'm done with school. And even then, something else may come along, that changes it again. I don't want my partner to feel like they have to wait for me to not be stressed, they have to wait for me to feel in the mood, to feel happy, and I want them to do what they have to do. I think that is very important to create balance in a relationship. - Okay, and you recommend medicating as well before you masturbate. - Yes. - To help you stay in the moment and be present, concentrate on the sensations. - Yeah, what I always tell people is, if you are, I don't know, like washing dishes or taking out the trash, doing all the adult things you're working and all of a sudden you're like, I would like to spend the time with myself. Getting in bed and like shoving your hand on your pants is going to feel like not very good. We kind of need this transition point or landing point to help us get in the right mindset to be more present. - To be setting the mood, that's what we would call it when we say. - Yeah, you're setting the mood. I always tell people like, if you, I also recommend people meditate with their partners regularly, if not before sex, like just to help you kind of focus, feel it. - Yeah, and ground yourself. Like that's super underrated. It also can help, I like to set a little intention with myself before I masturbate sometimes. This is not every single time. Like one out of every four times, I might like take it to this point. But I like to set a little intention, I'll make rate something down. I don't know about you guys, but I like, if you pay attention, like sometimes after you orgasm, you'll have a huge revelation about something or I'll have like a reflection I haven't had before. And I noticed that it's way more common for me to have that interaction with myself if I've meditated beforehand. - And that's also why you don't make a big decision without masturbating first. - Absolutely, twice if you can. - Okay, silence sex. - I don't know if you talked about it, where I just wanted to talk about it. It's the worst thing ever. - Yeah, it's on my face. - Like, grunt, breathe hard, tell me the filthiest things you can imagine, if you can, like dirty talk is like elite for me, but like if you don't have the creativity, like at least breathe hard, grab me, bite me if you can't do anything. But silent, if I'm going down on someone and they're not making a single fucking noise, I'm stopping, like at least tell me what you, tell me it feels good, like I don't fucking know, I don't care, but like if you're silent, I'm not doing it. - No, I think people get, especially men, but probably people in general get really self-conscious about like what they sound like, they don't want to be taken out of the moment. People are so afraid of like being goofy during sex or saying something embarrassing or like-- - Laugh, laugh if I'm sucking your dick, that's better than being silent. - Yeah, I'd rather like, you're like, hehe, I'm ticklish, like, and then being quiet. But I think people are so worried about that. They are silent and they don't say anything and they don't give any feedback. Like sound is one of the most important senses we have when it comes to sex because it's like giving me positive affirmation, it's letting me know, okay, this thing that I'm doing, it's working the way that I intend to, but if you're quiet, I have no information. I have no feedback, it's like if, yeah, it's like if you made someone a meal and they didn't say anything and they ate, like, almost half of it and then they just looked at you and shoved the plate back at you. It's like, girl, tell me, was it good? Like, I need to know. - Yeah. - For me, it's not even like neutral, it's like negative. Like something, like, breathe or something, I don't know. - Yeah, it's not fun. I feel like one of, so a secret about me is I, I'm not a silent sexer. I definitely am like, and making sounds, but I struggle with dirty talk. I love to hear it, I struggle to say it because they don't know what to say. And so I cheat, I don't know. - I read a lot of "Smut." I still lines out of the books. - Fuck yeah, I have like notes. I'm like, oh, that was so high, I'm gonna use that. - Yeah, or I listen to like "Dipsy" or "Readerotic Fiction" and like, bring that shit into the bedroom. Like, you don't have to make all of this up yourself. You can say it, and it's going to sound corny. Like, dirty talk is kind of corny, and that's what makes it fun. - And if your partner is good at dirty talk, like just respond back to what they're saying. You know, like, they can come up with it. You just like, keep it going. - Yeah, I think questions are also good. Like asking, how does this body part feel? Or do you like this body part? Or do you want me to? - Yeah, tell me how much you like this. Like throw the ball in like something. I really, I just don't care, but I just can't have silent sex. - No, I think that, yeah, I think that we should leave that in 2023. - 2024, no more silent sex, no more. - Recently I saw, I was having like a sixsome. And this, yeah, it took your screws. It was amazing. This friend was getting fucked by someone in front of me. And she, this is the first time I've seen her getting fucked. She was quiet, and I'm like, are you okay? And she's like, yeah, I've come like three times. And I was like, she wasn't even breathing somewhat different than if she was like reading a book. And I was like, that's wild. - I was like, maybe she gets to focus really hard, but that's, yeah, that's kind of wild. If you're fucking in a group sex setting and you're like afraid to make noise, I'm curious. - No, no, no, no. And then I asked her a partner, yeah, she's like that. And then she was having like a full on conversation. Why is she less getting bounded? And I was like, no. That's so scary. - No, there's no way. And then the guy who had already fucked me and I'm allowed as balls, he's like, are you okay? No, like what do we have going on here? How do we make sure she's good? - I'm like, do you want, blink twice? If you don't wanna be here, like what? Yeah, it's like worrisome, like why are you so quiet? Jeez. So don't have feelings like, please, just do yourself a favor. - I love that you brought this up, because I feel like people talk about this in like a, like a negative way. Like I don't know how, I would just say what I'm feeling, but I think it's something we need to talk about more. Like how do we get to a place in society where it's like pretty well accepted for people to make noise or say something weird or even awkward? - And for men too, yeah. Laughing, first of all, should be normalized. And for men to moan if you wanna moan. - Oh my gosh. - Even if it sounds feminine or whatever it is that you're afraid of, moan, anything. - We love it. - We love it. - I feel like when people are in the moment too, like whatever sounds you make, like you said, even if it sounds feminine, like it actually, it all, to me, it all sounds fine. - It's all hot. - Like if I'm really into you, you can make whatever noise I'm gonna be like, yes. - Literally. - More. - Yeah, more. (laughing) - Louder. - Ooh, you do talk about radical honesty and how it can help relationships. So what is radical honesty and how can it help relationships? - I feel like, yeah, I feel like everybody has a little bit different definition of like what radical honesty is, but what I'm trying to get at is this idea of telling the truth about things even when it's really uncomfortable, even when you know, like this other person is like, and when you hear this, it's probably gonna hurt their feelings, but I think those are the circumstances where you are able to create growth, you're able to create more closeness in your relationships when you say the really hard, but honest thing. I think that we do our partners and our relationships a huge disservice by withholding for the sake of not hurting somebody's feelings. And that goes for all relationships, really the platonic, familial, romantic, like-- - Anything, yeah. - Work relationships, any of them. Like, I think it also is a challenge for you as a person to grow, like, how can I tell my partner, like, what's something I would be radically honest about? Like, how can I tell my partner, like, okay, let's do their breath smells. - Yeah, you're just gonna say something like that. Like, yeah, they have bad breath. That happens sometimes. - Like, how can I-- - With compassion. Like, how can I challenge myself with compassion? - I wanted to mention that the delivery needs, like, you still have to be kind. Even if you're saying the truth, like, it's not about hurting their feelings. So, find ways in the, it has to be compassion has to be kind, but it has to be firm as well. - Yeah. - Yeah. - It can just be like, so I think that sometimes, but don't worry if you don't think, you know, like, it has to be firm, but kind, right? We're not trying to make them feel different. We're trying to. It's you and them against the problem, not like you against them, right? So, yeah. - Yeah. I think that, yeah, radical honesty definitely doesn't mean, like, be blunt or be a bitch, but it does mean, like, challenge yourself to say the hard thing and make room for whatever response your partner has. - Yeah, ideally, a brief, uncomfortable moment or conversation is going to lead to long-term benefits and a better relationship. So, you know, it should outweigh that, you know, nervousness to bring stuff up. - Yeah, and with time, it becomes easier. I will say those moments in my current partnership where we've had to have really hard conversations and my partner has had to give me uncomfortable feedback or they've had to get, or I've had to give him uncomfortable feedback. It gets done nothing but create closeness. Sometimes I, you know, I'm a little vain. I think I'm perfect. So, when I get feedback, sometimes I freak out. I'm like, "No." But then 24 hours later, I'm like, "Ah, yeah." - Okay. - Okay. - I wanted to, yeah, my next question was, we're talking a lot about how we can bring it up, but how can we receive feedback, because I also get defensive, or I cry, like, there's no in between. And I have such a hard time being like, "Yes, you're right." Or I'm, let's work on it instead of, like, just my feelings are, you know? I am like, "Yeah." - You know, so how could we get better at receiving feedback? - Girl, I see, yeah, that's-- - You're like, "You told me." - No, no, no, no. I feel like, well, I can share what my process is currently, but it's a work in progress, because I, too, I cry when I get feedback. Straight up, I cry, I call my therapist, and I'm like, "Can you believe?" He said, and she's like, "Well, for sure." (laughs) - Girl, she actually might not be too far off. But no, I think when people give you feedback, a good practice to have is to thank them. You don't have to take everybody's feedback. - No, but like, you don't. - No, it's your partner. - You should trust them enough to be honest and tell you something that you need to hear, because at the end of the day, you chose to be with this person, and like, me and my partner are long-term monogamous. Like, this is the person that looks at me all the time, watches me all the time. They say things about myself that I simply cannot see. And I trust them to tell me the truth. So thank them when someone gives you feedback. I think, regardless of how you're feeling, whether you're feeling really, really defensive or upset by it, thank them. Like, I know that must've been really hard. I appreciate you, like, going through this exercise. I'm gonna think about what you've said. I don't wanna give a reaction right now, 'cause I've learned that I need to go in the room and close the door and like, cry in the shower. Process, give yourself time to process, give yourself room to think, and go through the like, cycle of emotions that will definitely come, and then choose a different time to continue the conversation. - Yeah. - I think that's really good. Also remember that they care. They're bringing it up for a reason. Like, if they didn't give a fuck about you, they'd probably just ditch you or something. - Yeah. - So they care. And I think, for me, I'm just thinking about it. Like, I asking for reassurance, like, okay, I hear you, but tell me that I'm the prettiest thing you can do. - Yeah, I need a compliment now. I need five compliments for every bit of feedback. - Right, so sandwich the feedback in a bunch of compliments, and if I'm getting upset, like reassure the person and so on, because I'm gonna cry right now. Like, don't fucking tell me anything. (laughing) - Yeah, oh, and I would also say, like, if someone is giving you feedback, that's not necessarily, unless they ask for directly, that's not necessarily the time for you to be like. So let me tell you about you. Like, let's pick a different time to do that. Like, let it be about the feedback you're receiving. Give yourself time and space to process that, and then have your conversation later. - Yeah, don't just start, like, pulling out dirty laundry from, like, three months ago, you know? - Yeah, oh, and by the way, like, no, that's never gonna be good. - Mm-hmm, never. - You think my breath's things? - Yeah, yeah, exactly. Let's talk about you. (laughing) - Okay, you haven't flossed in months. (laughing) - Well, please, I, okay, I said, please, I mean, people to have good oral care. - Oh my gosh, yes. - Tongue scraping, flossing, brushing, and mouthwash. You should be doing these four things daily, and brushing at least twice a day. So it's an electric toothbrush. - Please, this is basic. Like, please. - And check yourself for tonsil stones, 'cause those are really big, like, those will fuck up your breath, even if you're doing all the rest. Like, I check myself constantly, 'cause I sometimes I get them, and I will die if I, you know, if I would, that's actually like an elite tip. - Okay, lastly, I think a lot of us are performing during the sex, and we might be aware we're trying not to, but sometimes I feel like you don't know where the line ends when you're performing, and when you're actually enjoying yourself. - I think it's a blurry line, 'cause you can still be exaggerating and having a good time, so if there's your morning louder than you should, then you would, and then that helps you get in the mood, so like, where is the line? And we said, actually, that blurry. - I love this question, because I always talk about performative sex and learning to be a little bit more authentic in sex, but as you're saying, there is sort of a balancing act that we have to do because exaggerating your funny movements, exaggerating your sounds, those things can actually help enhance pleasure. Like, there's a feedback loop that happens when you're screaming, moaning, making noise, and your brain is going, oh, this must really feel good, and then it actually starts to feel like it does. I think the line is like, how long do you continue that exaggeration? Are you finding that you're continuing the exaggeration like all the way through to the end of sex? Or are you like, finding the sweet spot by using the exaggeration if that makes any sense? - I think if it's helping you feel more pleasure or being the moment, if you're concentrating on that, then you're more present. If it's benefiting you, great, but if it's, you're actually giving up pleasure because you're performing your art to your back when you should be, you know? - Yeah, in your position, yeah. I also feel like this is where, I always say we have to be practicing pleasure. Like, we are in our society so disconnected from our body, so disconnected from like our pleasure cues and what actually feels good to us that we have this opportunity to learn it again, basically, and reconnect with it by practicing, being in pleasure and going back to masturbating and spending time with yourself and having solo sex as a space to like figure out, well, what actually happens when something feels good? Like, what is the actual signal that happens in the body? Like, how do I react and respond when I feel an orgasm coming up? Like, if you're in bed with somebody else and you're paying attention to their facial expressions, their sounds, like you're, there's only a certain percentage of your brain that's left to focus on yourself. So having time and space to be with yourself, to figure out like, what are, what is the way that I like to be touched? How much pressure? How, what are the rhythms or the patterns? Like, do I like internal simulation more than external simulation? - Like, that's why you have to keep exploring your body. - Literally. - You have, do you like have to? And like, I feel like sometimes people think sex educators are online saying, like, you need to masturbate, like because it's fun to say, because it is fun to say. It's fun to tell people, like, for I love that my job is to get online and be like, hey, did you jerk off today? Go do it, like, in the same way a dentist would be like, did you floss in? Like, did you flick the bean? Like, you need to do it for your health or your mental health. But there actually isn't benefit if you are masturbating on a semi-regularly, whatever that looks like for you. With intention, like, you can actually learn something about yourself and then go to your partner and say, hey, you know what I realized? If you, like, hit me with this one, two, nipple-clit combo, like, I'm gonna come in like a millisecond. Let's try it together. Like, things will be better. - Or hey, I realize I know I'm out, I'm on really loudly and what it feels amazing. But when I'm about to come, I go silent. That means, give me whatever you're doing. - I do, I also am like, yeah, so it doesn't, and if you explain that, 'cause some people think that, oh my God, I'm doing the wrong thing, she's not moaning anymore. But if you tell them that that's what happens, they know to keep going, right? So like, communication, exploration, all the things. - Yes, yeah, so keep masturbating. - Just checking yourself. - Go flick the bean. (laughs) Okay, I hope this lets you reflect on things. And, Portia, thank you so much. Where can people find you? - Yeah, so you can find me across all social media platforms, TikTok, Twitter, Instagram at thePortiaBrown and my website is PortiaBrownCoaching.com. I wanna see you on the internet somewhere. - Yeah, amazing, we'll end with a, would you rather? - Okay. - Okay, so let's see, would you rather... - Are you making this up right now? - Yeah, it's 'cause I wanted to be related to the episode always. - Okay. - So, would you rather be receiving negative feedback about yourself? - Oh, God. - Or, I have to tell my partner, they have back breath. - Literally. - Well, I think, I think from what you've said, you'd rather give feedback than receiving, so I know the answer to that. 'Cause I'm saying it. - No, actually, I'm actually also battling. I can't, I can't also, I can't give feedback. - I can't give feedback. It depends on the feedback, it depends. I feel like if it's something that will make, if there's any chance the other person's gonna feel remotely bad, I have such a hard time because I really don't wanna make them feel more tired. - Yeah, that's hard. - It's so hard. But, would you rather receive feedback? Like, every day for a week, or... No, receive feedback once or give feedback every day for a week. - Oh my gosh, that balances it out a little bit. - I feel like I would rather receive negative feedback once. - Yeah, then giving someone negative feedback every day, I probably would cry. - You cry too. I probably would still cry. - No, no way, yeah, that's so funny. What about you? - That was a cruel one. - I would also rather give, no way. What would have received once? Oh, I would receive it. - Yeah. - Yeah. - And we would also receive it. - They both suck. - Yeah, but let's all just try to get better at feedback. Like, it's so important, it's to make your relationships better. - Yeah. - So, that is like, I'm telling that to myself, like... - It's a necessary evil. - Listen to my own advice. Okay, poor shit, are you ready to turn off the lights? Yeah, we did it, we did it, we did it.
