The Manic Candice Podcast
1 Year to Heal
Hello, hello, hello. Welcome to the manic Candice podcast. As you go Candice, back at it again with the brand new episode of the podcast and today, this morning, this evening, this afternoon, this good night, whenever and wherever you're listening, my friends, we are going to discuss one year to heal, my year to heal. What do I mean by that? Well, this is a YouTuber named crappy childhood fairy. And she discusses childhood PTSD and complex PTSD. And we had an episode, a couple episodes back where I talked about me reading self-help books and me trying to heal my inner child and me trying to heal trauma that has been affecting me from my childhood, affecting me in ways like a lot of hip issues, muscle issues, depression, bipolar. I'm not sure if that's something I'm born with. No one's sure how bipolar shows up in people or whether it's something they're born with, whether it's something that is caused by something like trauma or drugs like this science isn't where it needs to be. I should say that for mental health across the board. Let me pull up my downloads. First of all, thank you for the downloads. I was experiencing some downloads stagnancy the last couple of months. And today I checked the downloads because I was like so discouraged from checking. I thought no one was listening to me anymore. I checked the downloads today. We are halfway through May. We're starting the second half of May today. And we are over 450. That's pretty good for the first two weeks out of the month, two weeks in a couple of days. That's really good for me at least. So thank you so much. I really appreciate it. Please share this episode and this podcast with your friends, family and followers. And we're going to get right into it with this week's Hot Topics. Yesterday, a video came out from 2016, I believe, in a hotel elevator lobby on the floor of the hotel. It's Cassie, singer Cassie, ex-girlfriend of Diddy. Well, it shows a very graphic and trigger warning, domestic violence. It shows a video of D running down the hallway and Cassie is at the elevator, waiting for the elevator. And he gets there before the elevator opens and he strikes her down to the ground, starts beating her with his fist and his feet. Just kicking her, slapping her, and then he starts dragging her. And I believe he even threw a vase at her. It was really disturbing. She is a very petite woman. And I can only imagine the type of swelling and bruising and bleeding and scratches she endured. He needs to be locked up. That is disgusting. That's really disgusting. And Jay-Z is next. There's been speculations the past couple of weeks that Jay-Z has something to do with Alia's death. Alia, some of you don't know, some of you are just really young. Alia was an R&B singer that died. I believe that the age of 25 and the early 2000s. She died in a plane crash right after shooting a music video. But it was rumored that Jay-Z was messing around with Alia right before she died, right before he got with Beyonce or while he was with Beyonce. It's really iffy. Right in the beginning of Beyonce's relationship. Anyway, this is not a Hot Topics podcast. I just highlighted those two things because that video was fucking wild. Like I said recently, we talked about childhood and complex PTSD, what I've been doing to heal myself. And I kind of want to expand further on that because I was watching this YouTuber called Crappy Childhood Fairy. And she's not a therapist. She's just someone that had experience in CPTSD. And she healed herself. And now she's helping people heal themselves. Because no pill, no antidepressant, no anti-psychotic, no therapy is going to do the work for me. I got to dig myself out of my suffering. Even though I didn't put myself there. And that is okay to take accountability. It's okay to take accountability for your suffering, even though you didn't put yourself there. You got to take accountability for staying in your suffering. I suffer by not working out. I suffer by staying in bed longer than I should. I suffer by not eating the right foods, even though I want to, even though I should. I suffer by negative self-talk. I suffer by procrastinating. So what would I do if I had one year to heal? Number one, I drop all substance use. All of it, I'm talking nicotine, marijuana, and the occasional ecstasy pill that comes around once a year, once every two years, and all amphetamines, all of it. And I would just endure the dopamine withdrawal and the sadness and the boredom that comes with quitting substances that comes with the first few months of being sober or the first few days or weeks. It's been about 48 hours since I decided not to smoke weed anymore. It started off with me running out, and I had the money, but I was just like, "I don't want to spend my money on weed." It's not that I was going to go without something. If I spent money on weed, it's not like I had the money. It's just that I didn't want... I just didn't want my fucking money to be wasted. I spent $100 last week on a quarter, and I just... Sorry, I was going on doxy. Boo. Sorry, y'all. I had to change that song. The vibes, it just wasn't vibing. Hold on. [Music] [Music] They already know that my love is fire. He's always on but his stance broke. He's loving me cold and strong and high. But I'll be a daydream, I'll be your favorite things. We can play you beautiful. Get your own goals, good life. I'll take you to paradise. Say you'll never let me go. Deep in my bones, I can feel you. Take me back to the sky. I'm willing to hide away. We don't have time to live in a hideaway. Say you'll never let me go. A-A-A-A-A. So you should like this. Pause to just sing. Pause to just let my spirit be who it is or what it is. It's really healing, no pun intended. I do it for me, I do it for you, but I mostly do it for me. I hope you sing along with me when those moments come up in the podcast because they come up a lot and they're going to come up in a couple songs. I hope everyone's doing well. I really do. It's almost summer. Are you getting that body? Are you in the gym? Get in the gym. I'm in the gym. I was in there last night. Strength training. I was like, if I want to, because I did some research, I was like, okay, if I want to burn fat, I got to strength. I got to build muscle because if I build muscle, it increases the amount of calories I burn throughout the day while resting and I sit for eight hours and I sleep for eight hours and I only exercise for about 30 minutes to an hour starting out. So I need to build muscle in order to increase the amount of calories I burn a day and at the same time I'm doing that, I'm reducing the amount of calories that I eat. So I end up in a calorie deficit. I lost two pounds since yesterday and I plan on using another eight or nine. Well, my plan was always 10. I'm getting sidetracked. What the fuck ever? If I had one year to heal, I'd stop the negative self-talk in its tracks. How do I do that? Like, if I have a flashback image of something that I don't want to remember, I'm going to picture a stop sign. Every time I picture something that I don't want to remember, I'm going to picture a stop sign. Let me say this again with no music. If I want to get rid of a negative thought or a negative mental image, I am going to imagine a stop sign in my head. If I hear a thought that I don't want to think, I'm going to say in my mind, the word stop, that's the type of mental gymnastics and work that you need to do in order to change your brain chemistry, in order to change your neuroplasticity. Because you can heal physically and emotionally, not just this, this is just an exercise that the crappy childhood fairy girl on YouTube has. What would you do if you had one year to heal? And this is my, this is this podcast is what I would do. Hopefully, I'm sharing because hopefully this could be inspiring to you if you're suffering from the side effects of childhood trauma or complex PTSD. I would force myself to write three things I like about myself every day until I begin to feel love for myself. I feel like the idea of loving yourself for me is a theory. I haven't practiced it. I think I've practiced it, but I don't know when I've achieved it if I have ever achieved it. They say that self love is indicative of like, like, for example, like whores, they say that whores don't love themselves. That's why they're whores. Hold on. I told you it's going to be in a couple of songs. Oh my god. Okay. Okay. I need, I need to be put down. So my three things today, let's start. What are three things that I like about myself that I can write down on my little notepad right here? I like my taste in music. I like that I, even though I haven't reached my goals, some of my goals, and it's been years, I never give up. I always try again. I like that I always try again. And I like my voice. I really do. I like the sound of my voice if you couldn't tell. Hold on. My part right here. I'm going to be giggling listening back to this track. It is a halfway mark, people. I just want to say thank you for listening to this podcast. Please share with your friends, family, and your followers. Okay. Back to the healing. How do you guys fucking deal with me? How do you guys deal with me? You guys have been dealing with me for almost four fucking years. Next year, we'll be at the start of our fourth year on the Manate Canis podcast. We've touched dozens of countries. We've charted a handful of countries. I had one subscriber on Patreon. Thank you. Thank you. You know who you are. I've had people review the podcast. I mean, the rating on Apple is 3.8, which went up from 3.6. So thank you. In my rating on Spotify, it's four stars. So thank you. I appreciate that. Guys, I just want to go back to the point of my healing journey where I'd say stop negative self-talk in its tracks. It's very important that you do the same. Stop the negative talk in its tracks by picturing a stop sign. Are you hear a thought? You think a thought that you don't want? It could be like you're a loser or you're fat or you remember somebody that you slept with that you didn't want to sleep with. And it's just like, uh, it's like, or you remember you did something really embarrassing. And it's like, oh, why did I just suddenly remember that? Or you remember something painful? Or you even imagined something fucked up? Sometimes our imagination, when we're sad, when we're alone and depressed and we're bipolar or whatever, you can imagine some fucked up shit. And sometimes, like, you just got to tell your, I mean, not sometimes, all the time. Picture a stop sign. Say the word stop in your head when you have these thoughts, when you have these mental images, it's going to take time. It's going to take probably weeks, but you're going to build that habit of putting a stop sign in your mind and saying the word no in your head whenever negative things come up in your mind, in your mind, it's going to eventually stop. I've seen so much improvement in seven days. I'm also taking vitamin D supplements because it blocks one of the ingredients necessary to make the stress hormone cortisol and cortisol can, high levels of cortisol can cause like depression and even low levels of vitamin D can cause depression and fatigue. So I really recommend in order to get your mind right and to get your neuroplasticity back, I'm not a doctor, okay, I'm not a therapist, but this is something that I've done and it's been seven days. Picture a stop sign. Say the word stop and take vitamin D. I got my vitamin D from Amazon. It's 10,000 units per capsule. It'll have you, it'll have you right. I'm so serious. A lot of vitamin D like at Walgreens or Walmart, they only have 300 I use. No, you need vitamin D. Your liver will get rid of any excess vitamin D. You can look this up because I looked it up last night. I'm going to change, change, change, change, change, change, change, change, change, change, change, change, change, change, change, change, change, change, change, change, change, change, change, change, change, change, change, change, change, change, change, change, change, change, change, change, change, change, change, change, change, change, change, change, change, change, and that was just these in tame Impala. All right, you guys. So continuing on to my year of healing. I would stop sleeping with people outside of a relationship, meaning I'm celibate until I get in a relationship. And that's true. I started my celibacy this morning. So I did it for 10 months. The last time I decided to go celibate, I'll do it for 20. I'll do it for 40 if necessary with this whole, like, because I live in Arizona and they completely cut our rights to abortion in our state. So I am not going to risk it for someone I'm not in a relationship with. And that society likes to tell women that they shouldn't have sex unless they're in a relationship. But fuck you, society. Why does that not get told to men? Why isn't a birth control for men? Birth control should have always been for men, always. And I don't know what it is about my generation. I'm a millennial. But I'm just seeing like, hold on, I'm just seeing so many millennials dropping the ball when it comes to parenting, when it comes to being a teacher, when it comes to being an adult and parenting and keeping that minor adult relationship appropriate. Did you guys see that guy, that teacher who lost his job, who had his students, girls, all girls take out his dreads for his hair appointment after school that day? And he put it on his TikTok live. And like, people were like, people were split. They were like, this is inappropriate. And other people were like, this is normal, you're weird if you see something wrong with this. It's inappropriate. He's a teacher. This looks bad. And you don't want people thinking. The fact that this gets, this gets people thinking is why it's inappropriate. And the fact that he can't see that is just, I don't think people my age, most of us should be fucking parents. That's in my generation. That's just my fucking opinion. That's my hot take. If you're a parent and you're a great parent and you love your kids, I'm not talking to you. I've just seen so much fuck shit online, the past 48 hours of people giving up their kids, people saying they hate their kids, they don't want their kids, people leaving their kids in the trunk, not in the trunk, in the van, while they go to EDC in Vegas this weekend. People trying to get TikTok famous offered their kids by making content, centering around their kids is fucking weird. Anyway, back to my healing journey. I would put only healthy things inside my body, even if I don't like the taste at first, like things like kale and oatmeal and water. I wouldn't be putting things like in and out soda. Any fast food. I wouldn't be putting that in my body because I'm getting older. My metabolism's going to slow down by next year for sure. I want to live long. I want to live till I'm 85 at least. I want to live. I want a full life and I'm be damned if hydrogenated oils, hydrogenated processed oils prevented me from that. I would go to therapy to address my loneliness. There's a reason why I'm lonely. I have been always been lonely since a child. It's just something that has been chronic and I'm obviously the cause of it. So I want to go to therapy to learn how to break out of my shell because I live in a shell. Picture Patrick under his rock. That's where I live. I do my podcast. I work from home. My podcast, obviously, I do it from home. I live online and the only human interaction I get is going to the gas station, going to the dispensary and my family and going to paint mine on Thursday with my friends. I have friends. But I don't socialize and I complain that I'm lonely. Does that make sense? So I'd go to therapy to address that. I'd go to networking events or events in general to meet people, events that I would find interesting. So maybe I'd hopefully meet people like I did you wanted it to be out of the head and I wonder if I sing along with you If everything would ever be this good forever. Now I have this theory. I have this theory that Dave Grohl sacrificed Kurt Cobain to get Foo Fighters. I just I just that's my theory. I have to my theory and I'm I'm gonna die on that hill. Allegedly. Allegedly he did that. I would live at the amount of time I spent on my phone. I would only listen to new music for a year. Listen those of you that know me and those of you who have been listening probably catch on that I was born in the 90s and I'm listening to nothing but 2000s music that it's all that's that's ever been on my podcast. The occasional like sexy red you know I have the new Megan the style Nicki Minaj diss tracks on the podcast but no it's always been old music and I think that is stunting me. I think that's making me whack. I think it's aging me. I just wanted to only listen to new music for a year. Then I'll go back and listen to 2000s music again but definitely need to get out of my shell. Beauty maintenance. I'm going blonde next weekend. I'm gonna have to keep that up and my nails and my feet. You know sometimes I can go a whole month without a pedicure and that is just not acceptable. I would clean my room every day. You guys should fucking see it. It's fucking disgusting. Next thing I would try to do to heal is I would try to make amends with people that I've fallen out with that I really feel deserve an apology. I would forgive those that have done me wrong and I'm still holding on hurt towards and a mossy towards. I forgive myself. I go to 12 step meetings to help maintain sobriety from dropping all the substances. I travel to New York first for my 30th birthday because my year to heal could start starts today actually and so I'm going to do all these things for the next year and by the time next year rolls around I'll be 30. Yep. I'm turning 30 next year. Yep. Yep. Yep. Hold on. Hold on. Sorry. I know I introduced that song in a previous podcast. It's not new anymore but I just I just love it. It's like anyway I would focus on cultivating meaningful friendships like not everyone has to fuck you. You know what I mean? Not everyone wants to fuck you. I'm talking to myself but you know I'm really meaningful friendships and those take time to build trust and familiarity and so that's my focus. I pay off my car. I got a payment plan set up and I'm going to pay off my baby in a year. No six months. No I mean no six years. No four years. No five years. No seven years. No ma'am. No thank you ma'am. Nope. We are getting our finances right. I'd go to art school. Yeah online maybe not like a full university maybe like like a like a six month course three month course online something. I want to learn technique. I'm self-taught so you know I could be doing things backwards or the hard way if you know what I mean. Yeah and that's it. That's what I would do in my year to heal. I hope I've inspired you to do your own year to heal list. So I leave you with this question. If you are suffering from complex PTSD childhood trauma what would you do in one year to heal yourself from all of that? This is Candice with the Manate Candice podcasting for listening. Good morning, good evening, good afternoon, good night whenever and wherever you are my friends and I bet you would do. Bye-bye.