(upbeat rock music) - Welcome to Drinking Bros, presented by GoSpent.com. Sit back, relax, and grab a fucking drink. - It's not a contest, boys. - It is a contest, welcome! Welcome to Drinking Bros, kids! (laughing) These Sunday night shows always get weird that are taped on Fridays. Today is no exception, got Josh and Jacob Wolf today. Look at you guys. - Look at you, man. - Look at you guys. - What's going on, dude? It's good to see you, man. - It's good to be seen. This is wild to me that you're able to travel with your child everywhere and it be your life. - It's, listen, it's the best time of my career. I didn't know this was the dream until it started happening. - But come on, man. - I know, I'm a father and I love hanging out with my kids, coach, all their stuff, love them. You only fear as a parent is what happens after they're 18. Are you ever gonna see them again? - That's it. - You get to hang out with your best friend every single day. I'm worried about losing my best friends. - It is a, listen, because I think the statistic is what? You spend 92% of the time with your kids, 18 and younger. - Yep. - But to have this bonus time with him, and listen, it's not only like he's just my son, but he's my buddy, like he drives me around, so I'm gonna micro-dose some acid. This is liquid. - Sure, today, right now? - Yep. - Yeah, live on there, yeah. - And so, but he'll drive me around? - Yeah, yeah, it's funny. Actually, the older I get, the more I see roles reversed, where I've become the parent by the weekends. - You basically created just a designated driver. - Yes. - He's like, I'm also kind of like, he can't, he forgets his glasses, he can't read or can't see things. I'm practically his service animal. - He's not. - He's not. (laughing) - We'll get a bill of direction, I'm like, tell me what that says. I don't wanna take my old, I don't mind having glasses. - Sure, yeah. - But I hate having to put them on to see. If I was just seeing glasses all the time, I'd be fine. But to have to take these off and go old man, Elton John glasses, let me, 'cause I couldn't see them. (laughing) - Oh gee, you didn't have to-- - Goodbye, anal virginity. - You didn't have to go with old man glasses, you know, there's other options. - These were the only ones at the airport. - You know why, I also don't know why you can pull those out, there's nothing to even read your-- - I wanted to see where the hole was. - Oh boy. - That's what you said. (laughing) - You knew that was coming. You teed that up like Scotty Sheffler today, didn't you? - How many shots of the acid are you pumping in? - Jeez, how many did you just do? - I think I just took too many. (screaming) - Give him, I have to hold it because he has no self control. - Yeah, we'll find out. - And he'll take seven more while he's on this. - I'm sorry. - Oh God, now Josh, we've known each other for fucking years at this point. - Yes. - You're a disgusting dirt bag. I'm sure your son knows that. - Yes. - How do you see him being a disgusting dirt bag on the road and it's okay? Like how do you block that out? - But he isn't. Here's the thing, he's so much, he's such a better version of me, that I mean, sometimes I'll be like, you know what we should do? And he's like, you're gross. And so he's a good balance to me. - I don't need to be walking around microdosing acid at 10 a.m. on a Friday. But if he wasn't here, it wouldn't be a microdosing. - So he's my good, you know, every Friday night late show, I'm gonna, it's like tonight, I'm gonna take three grams of mushrooms before I go on stage. - Okay. - And so, but he's just my guy, man, that we, he's the easiest travel partner. We stay in the same room, I have yet to let him get his own hotel room. So he has to sleep with me every fucking night. - Seven beds, seven beds, let me just, we're dirt bags, we're not those kind of dirt bags. - We're swaddling. - I don't know. (laughs) - Andrew Koonanin. (laughs) - Dude, his dad's room all the time, too, and he turned down fine. - Yeah, and Ashley Biden took showers with hers, so that's fine, too. - Yes, yeah, dad is normal. - And then there's that guy. - Look, Alan proved that it's fine. - Well, there's this dude, do you know, you ever heard of daddy's juiced? Do you know who that person is? - No. - Daddy's juiced on Instagram? - He's some Instagram personality, but Jared, who you know-- - From Subway. (laughs) - He would be friends with daddy juice. (laughs) - He takes a lot of sex, actually. - Jared introduced him to us. I've never met him or anything, but he was telling us who he is on the show what three years ago. He goes, yeah, he's really funny. He's been trying to fuck his mom. Like, oh, okay. - That's not funny. - He's like, yeah, he's really cool. I'm like, no, he's not. - No, no, no, he's not. - No, that's not cool, but I was gonna ask. - Yeah, you fucked his mom. - No, no, no. - I did have sex with his mom. - He touched my mom currently. - So cheesy. - Yeah, but you're right, I do. - I know. - But you guys aren't banging in that hotel. - No, no, no, no. - Okay. - No matter how much acid there is. - That's right. And can I tell you, it's funny is we, so we do, here's how the show works. He does 10 minutes. - I can smell this fucking thing. - Yeah, it does. He smells like an acid. - Oh, the vibrator, yeah. Yeah, not the acid. Okay. - By the way-- - I thought the same thing too. Actually from the top, all right. If you've ever wanted to smell what your grandpa's asshole smelled like in 1940, that's it. - Yeah. - Yeah, I don't know that I've ever put those words together in a sentence. - You're gonna hear some shit in a minute. It's gonna fucking make you go nuts. - Is this the guy who's trying to fuck his mom? - Yeah. - Yes. - Is that his mom behind him? - No, this is his wife. - I was gonna say, I was like, well, what do we have a picture of his mom to kind of-- - That's probably one on there, yeah. - Well, I have not, I've yet to see his mom, but he built a whole Instagram following off of it. So like, all her, they'll send her letters, you know, he'll flowers, he'll show up at the door, he'll like everything, he just wants to have sex with his mom. - He kind of looks like the type of guy to try and fuck his mom. - If you were gonna have sex with one person in your family, do you know who it would be? That, I can't believe you asked that question. - That's dangerous. - It's gotta, if you've gotta go down to a cousin or something like that. - Yeah, you would have to go out at least cousin. - You gotta go way down the way. - Yeah, this isn't even a count. - This isn't Game of Thrones, God damn it. - Yeah. - I mean, it would be kind of cool if it wasn't-- - You're gonna keep the bloodline going, you know. - Yeah, but you end up with the Habsburgs, the dudes got flippers and shit. - Yeah, listen, you got a brother who can swim? Well, what's the problem with that? A duck bill can catch flies with his tongue? You know, I want one of those siblings. - He might become a fucking shrimp and boat captain. You never know, dude. A billionaire shrimp and boat captain. - That's right. - How long you been in Hollywood? - I live in Vegas now. - Okay, but before that. - How long have I been doing this job currently? 1999. - Okay, great. So I wanna ask you about Kevin Spacey. - Okay. - Yep. - Big fan. - He used to try to have sex allegedly with my wife's ex-boyfriend. You remember? - Oh, no, see, I was-- - I heard-- - I was thinking about saying it, but you said it first. - Yeah. - But he used to, so my wife was caught in his crosshairs a bunch because he didn't like her around because she was getting in the way of him trying to have sex with her boyfriend at the time. - Yeah, she's got some crazy stories. - She does have some ridiculous stories. - Yeah, they're not mine to tell, so I get-- - It's fine, but here's where I wanna go with this. I don't know if you guys read the news yesterday, but there was a petition in Hollywood to get Kevin Spacey uncancelled. And they're saying, "Hey, he's a great actor. "He's a great person." And you need to start putting him in movies again. The list is wild. It was Liam Neeson. And then Bob looked this up. It was a very famous female actress. Oh, Charlize, no, Sharon Stone. Sharon Stone was the other one. Where you're like, "Whoa, what the fuck?" And then like 12 other actors have signed this thing. And then they've sent it into Hollywood. And they want him back. - Like the president of Hollywood? - Yeah, the president of Hollywood. (laughing) - The president of Hollywood, he said that in. - Yeah, that's true, yeah. - He said, "I don't know how to get uncancelled. "I'm not sure how this works." And then they started sending these letters in. Now, the doc drops last night on HBO Max. So I read these letters and then I watch the doc. It starts off with the craziest shit I've ever seen. This will go back to what you were saying. And I want to get your thoughts on this. Dan, in particular, yours. One of the dudes who is on this documentary is a Marine, Jack, huge. Six fucking four, 225. I mean, looks like he could punch this way through a fucking wall, like the Kool-Aid man. - Yeah. - He goes over his experience, you know. Just got out of the Marines, went to Hollywood, wanted to be an actor, Kevin Spacey. But friends him, he thinks he's getting a mentor. He gets a call to say, "Hey, I want to take you "to a movie tonight." It's opening night of this war movie. I think you'll like it. Saving Private Ryan. - But what was the movie theater on Santa Monica? And it was saving private Ryan parts? - No. - 'Cause I'm saving Ryan's private show. - Yeah, yeah, that's what it was. - That's what I thought. So once they started showing footage from Saving Private Ryan, I was like, first of all, why are they showing footage? How do they get it and everything else? Secondly, they're showing the opening scene of Normandy. And I'm like, all right, why the fuck are you showing this? Kevin Spacey, during that scene, which is the most intense war scene in movie history, takes out his dick and starts jacking off inside the theater and grabs the Marines' hand to do it. Now, how do we know this? - Yeah, that's a good question. Is this he or say Dick say, or there was a video of it? - There's no video of it. It's his-- - I mean, this sort of it in 1998. - It was him recounting the story. But for me, as I'm watching this, the guy's getting choked up, and he's emotional telling this fucking story and everything. - Because he misses Kevin Spacey, or what? (laughing) - I've never had such a good time in a movie before. - Yeah, he's like, Lauren Bobert and me before she even came around, dude. - But how do you get a boner during that scene? How do you get a war boner during that scene? - Wow. - And are able to complete. - I guess the better question is, how do you not? (laughing) From somebody who spent some time in war, gotta tell you. - That, as far as worse scenes, girl. - I mean, for me, that was at the climax. For me, it was when Tom Hanks was dying. That's where I came. - That's where you jazzed up. - So was it a slow jerk, the whole film? - The whole fucking film. - And then three hours. - I was edging for two and a half hours. - I was gonna say, that's how painful to start pointing at. It's like watching the porn and waiting for your favorite part. - Oh, yeah. - I have to tell you, when you said that, I started to think, is there something that I, I think I could jerk off to almost anything. - Except for that scene. I couldn't get-- - Except for anything war-related. Also, a way to take a war that, get PTSD from that fucking movie. I wonder if actually, Jack, you know, Kevin Spacey, Thomas, PTSD. - Or, did that heighten it? Of like, hey dude, if I take a fucking veteran to this movie, and then I'm able to jack off next to a veteran, this is great. - Yeah, like, so did, did, okay. I have so many questions. - So, the, the Marine did it? He said, he-- - I don't know why I needed to do this when I was-- - No, you're fine. - Show him doing that again. - Yeah, I don't know why. - Show him do that again. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. - I mean, you're kind of far away. He's like two seats over. - Well, the guy said he started moving away from it. He's like, he looks down, and he's like, he's not holding his bag of popcorn. He's jacking off, and then he puts his hand over there to help him out. Now, the Marine said his dick was, or his hand was on his dick, and then he, you know, moved it away once he realized what was happening. - Yeah. - And that spacey did finish, and then they watched the rest of saving Brian Ryan together, and he talks about just sitting there in these come-stained pants for like three hours. - That was my next question. - Where did he finish? - Wait, wait, yeah, on himself. - Oh, oh, I thought you were saying Kevin Spacey finished on the Marine, and he was sitting in his come-stained pants. - You know, first of all, this is a conversation I've had with a friend of mine before. - About Kevin Spacey? - No, about, I was like, he told me, he was like, you jerk off in a sock, I'm like, yeah. It's contained, I can put it right in the hamper, and I go, why, where do you jerk off? He goes, I've always just jerked off on myself, and I'm like, what do you mean? He said on my stomach, I just, or like on my chest, I jerk off on myself, I'm like, what? - And then wipe it up afterwards? - Yeah, what? - That's too much. - At least put a t-shirt or a towel down first. - On yourself? - Yeah. - Well, if you put the towel down on top, and then it lands, it's an easy clean up. - That's what I'm saying. - Yeah, but this is all- - This whole thing is the sock, it's just a little bit of a more free range. Do you never know what's coming up here? - I've launched a couple over my shoulder. - Yeah. - That's why-- - 'Cause I'm, you know, like, there's a-- - Over your shoulder. - I'm aggressive, oh yeah, dude. - Are you hunched? - No. - Spread eagle Jack. - Like lying down. - Oiled up, spread eagle Jack, like he'll, you know, legs over the sh-- And do you watch it? Like that's, is it slow motion? - I wish it was in slow motion. - Because you know what does it like that? - It would look like Neo for the makers. - Is it trying to dodge calm coming towards him? (laughing) The gay matrix. - Yeah, it's the product he uses in here, in his hair right now. The gay tricks. - The gay tricks. - The gay tricks, yeah. - He's just constantly dodging calm, the whole show. - So he changed the balance for calm, wouldn't be awesome. - It's his 90-minute job. - Oh god. - Keanu, when he's dodging-- - You were saving private runs. - Jesus Christ. - That's a lot of gunshots. - It's a lot of calm. - You know, when I was, when I first got to LA, there was a photographer whose house I went to. - Uh oh. - This sounds like Jared's Brian Singer story. - What's his name, Bruce? - His name was not Bruce, but I walked in, I was a younger dude, and you know, I didn't know how. Here's the thing, when you hear people being like, "Why didn't you just say something or why didn't?" Because sometimes when you're young and you're in that situation, and you don't know how things go, and you're like, "I shouldn't say anything." Because I don't wanna, do you know what I mean? - Yeah, like when in Rome, right? - Yeah. - Maybe people just get raped here, and it's my turn. - Well, you almost, you get caught off guard. Because looking back now, when I see things, I'm like, "Of course," right? So, I'm at this dude's house, and I go in, and I have my wardrobe and all this stuff, and it did seem weird to me that I was going to his house for pictures. But again, I'm like, maybe this is just where people take pictures off his, you know, he's get this beautiful house in the hills, and I walk in and lots of headshots of famous people at the time, but a whole wall devoted to Travolta. - Uh-huh. - Whoa. - We'll see that. That's a red flag right there. - That's a, that's always been a red flag. - For you, has it? - No. - No. - We've known about Travolta forever. We've said on this show for years. - Yeah, but dude, not when I was like 21, it was Saturday night. - Yeah, this had, so this was early '90s. - Okay, so 2000s is when I knew. - Yeah, this was early '90s. - I don't think it was out in early '90s. - No, he was definitely not out, and we've-- - I think I figured it out with that brain cancer movie he did, where he got special powers or whatever. - Yeah, Michael? - Yeah. - Phenomenon. - Phenomenon. - Phenomenon, yeah. - What was Michael? Why did you think he was called Michael? Was that the dude who's-- - He's the Archangel Michael, - Oh, that's right. - To bang Andy McDowell. - Yeah. - By the way, the first-- - Your Travolta knowledge is off the charts. - Yeah, he's a theater kid, which is-- - Theater kid. - That was good. - How do you say that in English? F? (laughing) (laughing) - What's the acronym for that? G-A-O-Y. - Yeah, you got it. - So I'm at this dude's house, I take some pictures, and he goes, "Well, I had one, "you just change it into your next outfit." And I go, "Okay, where?" And he goes, "You can just change right here." And I was like, "Okay, what should I wear?" And he was like, "Well, let's try this with these pants." - He's got you dressed up like Lieutenant Dangle from fucking Reno 911. (laughing) But he was like, "Let's try this and this, "let's try this." And so I wasn't, I still wasn't thinking about it, man. I grew up in locker rooms. You just, sometimes you're naked in front of people or whatever it doesn't. And so I put on my pants and I put on, I go, "Well, sure." He goes, "You should wear that button down." I put the button down and he walks over and he starts buttoning up my shirt, but his fingers are touching all the way up. And I know, and by the way, not hard, but not not hard. No. (laughing) I mean, I had movement, but I didn't know. Maybe I'm here now. But I was just like, I was thinking, "Okay." I knew there was something in me that was like, "This is not how this is supposed to go." - Right, yeah, yeah. - But this dude was the photographer. And I was like, "What if I say, "Hey, dude, don't touch me." And he's like, "My wife is in the other room, man. "What are you talking about?" And then I get this reputation, right? And so I just took it, dude. For sure, grazed my nuts a few times, asked me to stay for dinner, and-- - Do you ever meet his wife? (laughing) - I did his wife, Kevin, I was gonna say, for sure, though, I put a full wall of John Travolta. That's not how that works, no wife, but I will tell you, not the only time that my nuts have been grazed in Hollywood or that. And for me, honestly, I know this is gonna sound weird. I was never like, "I'm gonna fuck," and I was always like, "Whatever, do you know what I mean?" Like, let's just move on past this. I don't really give a fuck. Is that how you, you're gonna get your rocks off by grazing my nuts with the back of your hand? - Cool. - I'm glad I could be of service. Do I get this part? - Yeah, I might even get this served. - It might be hired here. - My book here, what's happening? - Honestly, like, so when I was younger, it really did throw me where I was like, I don't know if I should say something. As I got older, I would, I've said things out loud in a room before. - For sure. - But it definitely is not a thing that like, I bet you if you ask most dudes in Hollywood, they've bumped up against it. They just don't talk about it. - Tell me the doctor story. - This is, I love this story makes me fucking laugh. It's like saying-- - Big doctor? - Well, I mean, I feel like all guy doctors are kind of gay, I'm not so-- - Cheers. - But this story always makes me laugh. 'Cause it's just ridiculous. - I got in a car accident, somebody t-boned me in LA. My insurance company was like, how's your back? And I said, it's fine. He goes, they were like, but how's your back? - The insurance company was from West Hollywood. - Go, they were like, go, go to a doctor and have him check everything out, but maybe we can get you some money. Like, go to this old doctor in the valley, and he goes, we have to do a complete physical, that's part of the deal. And so he was like, all right, pfft. We gotta check your prostate. I'm like, how old are you? It's not-- - It's 29. - I don't think-- - 29 years old. - I don't think you need a prostate check exam until you're four. - And not after a car accident, you know. - No. - Sure don't. - It's how Larry Nassar got those gymnast checks. I mean, it's identical. - And so here's the thing, can I tell you, here's what you fall into. And I know sitting here, and people listening are like, dude, how did you know? You just are like, I'm in a doctor's office, he must know more than me. And that's an older mentality, by the way. I think younger people are like, I'm gonna challenge that. But we were raised to believe doctors believe, right? - Yes. - Believe the people who went to school and learned wrong. Okay, so I guess I need a prostate exam. I remember saying-- (laughs) I remember I was like-- - This went down? - You had to. - Oh, it actually, yeah, this happened. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Holy shit. - I got a prostate exam. And so I said to my insurance guy, I was like, this is weird, dude. I go, and I was laughing. I go, I don't know why I needed the prostate exam. He goes, that's funny if he would have given you one of those. I was like, it was a joke. And I go, oh no, no, but he did give me one. He was like, he gave you a prostate exam for your back. And I said, yeah. And he goes, I hope you win some money. - Holy-- - Yeah, man. - I had a, I had a Pilates instructor, this woman. - Oh, this one's great, dude. - Who, I would always-- - How deep did his fingers go in your asshole? - It was a prostate exam, dude. However deep that I'm supposed to go in. - But do you, have you had a prostate exam? - No, I had never had one before. - Yeah, so now, how have you had one? - Oh, it was a, it was a legit dinky dude. He went up there for sure. - Two fingers? - But have you had one right now? Not for a minute. - Okay, great. - Well, we can do that for you today. - Yeah, I'd love to know that it was even in a proper prostate exam to begin with. - I did not. That was the first time, not only was it the first time I had had a prostate exam, but legit up to that point in my life, might have been the first time I had a finger in my ass. - Oh, why? - Why'd you say, Mike? - Because I don't remember, I had a girlfriend in college. - Even though it was-- - I was spacey and I had a girlfriend in college and I had a list of things she wanted to try. - Sure, yeah. - And I remember seeing finger in the butt on there, but I don't remember if we-- - Finger in whose butt? Her butt? - I don't remember. - Yeah, you never know. - You've seen the list. - You never know, right? - Yeah. (laughing) - Who cares? Might have been helping herself. Little how's your father? - I'll tell you, being like doing something to somebody the first time is a really important thing. You should definitely treat that with respect, I think, right? It's like, as a child, we say I love you to children, but they don't know what the phrase that I love you or what the word love means necessarily. All they know is that it confers how whatever the relationship they have between them and their parent, which could be good, it could be bad, right? So then they grow up fucked up because they have this warped idea of what love should be. It's a big problem, right? Probably not as big a problem is getting fisted on your first time to the doctor. - Yeah. - You know what I mean? - Yeah, that'll leave a mark. - 'Cause then the next guy just does it normally and you're like, hey, you gotta get in there or what? And he's like, sir, you gotta get the fuck out of my office. - Yeah. - Now it's a problem, you gotta go find a new doctor 'cause you've crossed the line. You're used to it, and that's what you think it is now. - Yeah, you're like, doc, listen, I gotta store it through. But let's start with the prostate exam. - Yeah. - And then let's get-- - You just like start saving your pants, right? - Yeah, you're like-- - Just walks into the doctor's office, pants below the ankles. - Yeah. - You're just like, all right, I'm ready. It's like, I know, this is like-- - I know, this is like-- - I'm just thinking-- - You gotta save the waiting room. (laughing) - Hey, doc, you ready? - Yes, indeed. - I actually had this bad cough, so if you can really get both fingers in there. - You start bringing your own lube to the doctor. Actually, I like this one, could you use this one? - This is okay. - 'Cause it's a warming gel. - It warms up, it's a warming gel. - I'm gonna put some on too, I hope you don't mind. - Yeah. - No, I also, can I tell you honestly, and this is me, and I'm not pushing this on anybody. I like the Pilates instructor who was, who cupped my nuts basically for this one stretch the entire time she would just cut my nuts. And I don't know if this is because maybe I've blocked out something that happened to me as a child, but any of these kind of, in the meet and greet, I have women grab my ass and my nuts all the time, and I'm just like, hey, don't do that. But none of that, I don't go crazy. Like, I don't know why I don't, I'm not like-- - You should, I'm gonna, you could've called the cops. - I'm always just like, whatever, dude. If this is how you're getting your rocks off, and I'm here for five seconds of it, I don't really give a fuck. - Yeah, yeah. Do you know what I mean? - It would have to be something aggressive, or egregious to be like, hey, dude, that's the little munch. - I mean, there was one, I don't know where we were, like three weeks ago, there was just this absolutely plastered girl in the meet and greet. She was like, come over and let me bend you over in this photo. And I was like, I wanna go back to the greeter. I'll talk to you guys later. Like, it was just like, she tried to bend you over. She then asked, she then asked to be bent over by one of us. It was like, it was a lot happening. - When you're saying she, is that in quotations? - No, no, it was just me with long hair. - Nah, she wants? - No, I don't care how hot you are, that drunk, you're not that hot, you're just like sloppy. - Can I tell you this, if you wanna have sex with a 40 year old white woman, come to my show? - That's facts. - Yeah, dude, they are backing up in the Chrysler Pacificas, and they are homing out. And I'll tell you something else is interesting about, he said that about the meet and greet. If you ask any comic, the toughest audience member to wrangle in is a over 40 year old drunk white woman, good lord. - On a bachelor party, if it's a group of girls, it's the worst and you know it's gonna be bad as soon as you walk in. - Yeah, it really is tough. - I do recon, like, when the shows load in, I sit out there 'cause I wanna know who's in the audience. - Oh yeah. - So I remember, it's happened a couple times where I saw the sash and I immediately just went to the green room and I was like, hey, bachelor at party, back left corner. Just so it's like a target or just to be weary or sometimes he likes to make people so embarrassed that they're at the comedy show that they walk out on their own. And generally, I'll say that's him in the back room which somebody's being an asshole. - Yeah, it generally's the bachelor party. If someone's being an asshole to him or my other opener, I'll say to him in the back, I'll be like, I'm gonna walk these motherfuckers. - Yeah. - I don't wanna ask you to leave. I wanna make you so uncomfortable that you get up and you leave on your own. - And I will say, every time he says, I'm gonna walk them, they walk. And it doesn't matter if it's one person, five, 10, everybody's gone within 15 minutes. It's amazing. - I wanna tell you, and I've been coming to see you guys for a while, right now, I'm at my full strength, full strength powers as a comic. - Dude, it's just ripping. - Even in mushrooms? - Dude, he's ripping and he's so good right now on stage. I feel so fucking good that having fun with people like that, and I'll go in 10, 15 minutes during the middle of a show and then just jump right back into the show, but it's full powers right now. And having him on the road, I don't know if you guys experience this, right? So how long have you been doing this spot? - This nine years, this is our ninth year doing this, but I used to stand up for like eight before this, right? But back in the day, I was young, it's very lonely. So I would have to imagine that having just a family member with you makes all the world a difference. It's not just family member and not just that he's my buddy, but there is a youthful exuberance, right? When you first start doing something, there's hope and there's like, there's that, we're gonna create something great. You know, there's that energy that is really and it's super cool because it's honest. It hasn't been tainted by the business, it's full dream hope. And I remember, honestly, when I talked to guys, like, Joey Diaz and I were talking about this the other day, man, and I started with Joey. I'm like, what do you miss? And he said, I miss after an open mic on a Monday night at 1 a.m., us going to a diner, we could all only afford one pot of coffee and we sit down and we talk about comedy. He said, that's what I fucking miss. Because that energy of hopes and all that stuff, he brings that. And so it really, I get to reattach to that youthful kind of, I just fucking love comedy. He's your emotional blood boy, basically. - 100%. - Yeah. - I also, I have all that youth because comedy hasn't taken all the life out of it. - Well, it's coming. - Life has done that, but I'm waiting for comedy to do it as well. - But also it's eras. Like right now, I feel like comedy itself, stand up in particular, is in this Jordan era of it's just, not only are people going to clubs, but they're excited to go to clubs. And you got a shit ton of people who are edgy and different. So like every night you can see something totally different than the night before, depending upon what your taste is in this world. And it's like the spectrum is so wide now and there's so many great comics that people are excited to go out, they're excited to drink. And I think COVID had a lot to do with it. - I agree. - The death of television had a lot to do with it. And now this is our only form of entertainment. And then the cancellation with politics and all that other shit where they can just go, especially at a Rogan show where the phone is locked up, things they would ever the fuck they want. And it's ruthless. - I think we might be post cancellation when it comes to state comedy. - It's not over that style. - 'Cause everybody's saying faggot again, everybody's saying retard again. It's like, all right, cool man. - It's not real, here's a deal. Here's the best thing about stand up. Is that whatever you like, it's there. How edgy you wanna be, it's there. - It's like the cheesecake factory menu. - Dude, 100% and here's another thing. You're 100% right, not only is it there, but from the cleanest of the clean, from Brian Regan. - Yeah. - Who's been doing it clean for 25 years? - All over stadium, dude. - That's such an expert level, that's so good. - Okay. - So from the cleanest of clean to Hinchcliffe, right? So whatever you wanna see is there. - Who just did the form. By the way, Ari pulled out his deck and balls at the form and started jacking off on stage. - Yeah. - So he made nothing, you are put back. - No, not shocking. He's been on the show, not shocking. - No, that's what I said. Fuckin' somebody was telling me about it the other day 'cause they were there and he was like, "Yeah, he just started fuckin' full on his deck." - No, no, no, not like that. - He wasn't watching, you know, savory rags. - Yeah, he wasn't like Stacy would have finished. - Hold on, Ari. - It's Ari, she fears that he might need more than just a war scene, I don't know. Maybe a hot-cost scene for him, yeah? - Oh shit, Schindler's list. - Yeah. - No, Schindler's list? - Yeah, dude, bro. - I watched out the other day, not that funny. - The boy in the shop for Janis. - Hi, I thought it was gonna be funnier. - You know, this is the worst lever, yelper. This is the worst goddamn comedy I've ever seen. - This Schindler guy is terrible timing. How are those? - They're good, you want one? - You like, is that the-- - I was looking out of the-- - It's ketones, it's energy. - Everybody in brain function, yeah. - All podcasts now, they're fucking awesome, yeah. - Now listen, do I need this with the acid? - She can't hurt my high-ass, can't even know. - But you can take a box of these, whether you use 'em on the road and shit. - Really? - You like 'em? - Oh yeah. - It's a shot of energy. - I mean, it tastes like shit, but-- - Hey, it's good to go. - It's good for you. - Okay. - I'm on bar for that. - It's because it works, but this is a time to be hopeful. So like, there's other times during stand-up history, there was no hope at all, where you're going out for 30 people, you don't have a way to get people to the show, there's no social media, so like, you remember what it was back in the day, and that's what it was. So like, you showed up, you hoped for the best, and then you had the bringer shows where you physically had to bring people. - Yeah. - Now you can go on social media and just say, "Hey, seven o'clock, I'm at the fucking Chuckle Hut." And, you know, San Jose, what the fuck it is. - It's such an interesting time to his comics, because guys like Matt Reif and Schultz, and have built such an amazing following, but there's so much crowd work involved on social media. So people come to shows thinking, "Oh, I just get to scream out at the stage, "and I'm gonna be part of this dude's show." So it's like, it's been amazing, because it's, oh, Reif especially has opened up stand-up to people who have never been to stand-up shows, but they're expecting everyone to be him. - Well, did you see what he signed, the deal he signed with Netflix? Two more specials, each of them an hour a piece, one of them is only going to be crowd work only. - Well, so he was, by the way, I have a warning right now, that tastes like ass. - Well, it does, yeah. - It does, but it's great. - Like straight rubbing alcohol. - Yeah, but it works, but it works. - Yeah, but he's, like, a lot of people were hating on him in the beginning, it's like, who fucking care, he found something he's really good at, and he's doing it, making money. - Shut the fuck up. - Shut the fuck up. I'm glad he's doing just a one-hour special of crowd work. - Crowd work. - I remember we were somewhere in the country, and they're like, "Oh, Matt Reif was here last weekend." I go, "What the fuck did his shows look like?" 'Cause all I see is crowd work. And they said his early shows are just an hour of stand-up, and his late shows are an hour of stand-up, and then another hour of crowd work. - They're on a whole lot of dudes who could fucking do level, like that. - And also two straight hours on stage, so Steve Byrne can do it. There's like, it's a short list of dudes who could just not show up and not do any jokes. Just talk shit for now. - And I'll tell you the difference between Byrne, Matt Reif, and some of the other people who I'm not gonna mention because we're all in the same profession. (laughter) But they do not have canned jokes. Like if a black guy's sitting up front and says something, they don't have something in the Rolodex that they can say, right? They are, whatever's in front of me, is what I'm gonna work with. - Dude, Matt Reif's fucking crowd work is so good. And Byrne is like, next level. - And he's been doing it for 30 fucking years, too. - And Steve Byrne, for other comics to somehow shit on that. Yo, dude, you know what our job is? Our job is to entertain the people sitting in front of us. So fuck you. - Make people laugh, yeah. - Dude, that's our job. So, you know, I started doing, by the way, the acid and the ketones come, I am Jack. - I'm bad. - Yeah, I'm really glad I took this from you 'cause how much did you, God, that's gonna last forever. - It was four sprays. - It was so tough a hit. - I think it sounded like six. - No, it's four. - I'm autistic. - Yeah, he knows. - Yeah, I did. - I've been counting everything this whole time. - Yeah. - Is that the question of autism you got? Is county things? - No, no, not really. - But you know what my flavor of autism is? - What's that? - Trains. - Is it really? - It's swear to God. - There's two trains across-- - Yeah. - Is this a sexual thing or-- - I saw. - Do you see? - I like hearing people on the tracks. - I don't know what it is every time I hear a train home. I'm like, where's that coming from? - Well, I see one and it's just, it's in my body. I see a train and I go, oh, train. - Those two across the street are completely restored from 1938. The guy put two million dollars into each train car. - Jesus. - Can we get out of here? Look at them, like they're original parts of it. - There were some other trains in 1930s and your cost is a workout, didn't work out that well. - By the way, not gonna lie to you. Just glancing, you might look good with a fucking conductor's head on, dude. I'm not gonna lie to you. - Yeah, you do. - You! (laughing) - Could definitely rock a conductor's head. - Do you know what? - Don't I? - Yeah! - Best compliment I've ever gotten my whole life. - That was meant as a compliment. I want you to know that. - Yeah, that was meant to be a shame conductor. Yeah. - That sounds like the easiest job ever. - The best. - I mean, what do you really have to know to do that? - Nothing. - You gotta pull the horn. - The sixth goddamn button says, every now and again, you have to give a police report because some idiot jumped in front of the train. That's the whole job. - But you get to see them die too. - Which is awesome, where you're like, get off the track, I can't stop. - I, boom. - I can't imagine what a train does to a human body. - I bet you, I bet you they did it on Mythbusters. - We just watched it. Shit, a listener sent one in. - I bet you they did it on Mythbusters. - Wait a minute, what? - Yeah, it's going like, so you know, forces matter of time to switch it squared, right? That's the form of a force. - Don't say yes like you knew that. - It's not just about the speed of the object. It's also about the mass, right? And this is, you're talking about a mile long fucking train car, even at 30 miles per hour, it will fucking nuke your body. - So the one that was sent in by the listener, the guy, appear to be drunk or maybe homeless, just kind of, just flirting next to the track, you know? And they were like, get off the fucking train, get out, you're too close, you're too close. And he's like, I'm not on the track. Didn't matter 'cause there's a little extra width on these train cars, and it just clipped him and to see the force of it. And then, like, to Dan's credit, it was 30 miles an hour. So it wasn't going fast. - And the way that this guy just spun around and died instantly, you were like, - Really? - Just a tap. - Well dude, just a tap. - Think about it, people die from getting hit by a regular car going 30 miles an hour, let alone a train with, that weighs, how much does the fucking average train-- - Somebody just got killed this morning. - At the PGA Championship, it's a Valhalla. - I saw that, I saw that. Somebody walk in the street, they get hit by a shuttle. - A shuttle bus. - A shuttle bus. - Pulling no miles an hour. - A train. - Oh miles an hour. - A train can weigh anywhere from 4,000 tons to 20,000 tons, which is 8.8 million pounds to 44 million pounds. - Oh, wait. - 44 million pounds. - That's 30 miles an hour? - Yeah. - That's gonna fuck you up. - At 30 miles an hour, your body's doing this. - Now I know why, back in the '20s, they used to tie the people to the railroad tracks. - I know. - Yep, that was great to do it. - And that's the craziest part, they're not even getting hit by the train, they're just gonna run over repeatedly by the wheel, by the metal wheels. - It's a fast, easy way to die, Bob. What video do you have queued up for these guys? - Sometimes the guy just gets stuck to the train. - Oh, he got, oh, he's caught on there. - They're like the fucking information on the event horizon. - Jesus Christ. - Jesus Christ. - The straight up exorcism. - Yeah, shit. - Oh, dude, I did not think that was real. I thought that was a dummy. - Just, you know. - He got stuck on the train. - That's how hard the force hit him. - Jamie, can I tell you? - Can I tell you? - All aboard, Jesus Christ. - I don't hate it as a hoodo ornament, if you want to rock it, like you know. - I know. - I mean, what train is it? Oh, the one with the dude stuck to the front? - Was there just like, I have a lot of questions for this. I follow a lot of fucking pages on Instagram, so this is the type of shit that I see on a daily basis. But like, how does he get stuck? Is it just straight force? Was there someone pointing on the front of it? - Why are you screaming? Don't scream. - I'm just so curious. - No, you can scream at this. This is shocking to look at. - I think probably something got stabbed into it. - Had to be, had to be, right? - Are there usually a point on the front of those trains? So it could have been that, where it just went right into his back. - Could they take him off the fucking train? - Well, the drivers, it says the drivers were confused what to do, so they just kept going. - Hey, they got a schedule to meet, man. - They do. - Yeah, they got places to be, it's like a plus. - Shit could do. - Yeah. - Anybody ever die on a plane and you're like, hey, can we land first? Like, can we stand already? - Have you ever been on a plane where someone died? - Yes. - Actually? - It was a heart attack, and then they got the guy off, and it delayed, shit, I was the one we were on three months ago with my wife. Somebody shit their pants on the plane. - Yeah, hi. - And they had to remove us, clean it all up, and detox the whole thing. It was about a three, three and a half hour delay. - Wait, wait, wait, is this the story about the one on the Delta flight? - So here's the wild thing, it isn't the story, but we told this story on the show, and then a month later, two weeks later, it ended up happening to me, and it was out of Austin, and I saw the guy get up, and then he went down. First I smelled it from the back of the plane, and we hadn't taken off. - So you smelled it? - Smelled his shit, we all did it. - 'Cause he evacuated. - He shit his pants, and he was probably 78-ish, and he's with his daughter, who's like in her 30s, nice, normal people, it wasn't like a fucked up situation, and I felt bad, so like, she's trying to get him off the plane and describe to the stewardess why she needed to just take him off the plane, and the stewardess isn't understanding, 'cause we're about to shut the door and leave, she goes, you cannot get off the plane at this point, she goes, my father's really sick, and you don't understand, so I got up, and I was like, hey, I don't think you know what's going on in the back of the plane, and everything else, and then he drops. So he fell down on the floor, and then that's when they knew it was serious, and paramedics came, everything else, and then they evacuated the plane to clean the shit off the seats. Now luckily, it was only his seat, and one other seat that he had gotten into, and then you still kinda have to detox the plane a little bit. - But I think we all know what shit smells like, and I think we all know that it never really, you never really clear the smell of shit, it just smells like you put flowers on top of it. You know, like, when you spray for breeze in the bathroom, it just smells like for breeze and shit. - I'll give a shout out to, I think it was American when we were on that day, it smelled normal, it just smelled like bleach, so like somebody bleached, you know, deep clean to bathroom. - I don't know if that's worse. - And they did it pretty quickly, and I felt horrific for the guy. - Is that dude? - Well, not only that, but they evacuated the entire plane, and then we've gotta see this guy, so everybody's gotta walk past the guy, who shit himself on the plane, and he's still on the stretcher. And finally, I walked out of the paramedics, I was like, man, is there another place you could take? Like the daughter was embarrassed, he was clearly embarrassed, and was just, I was just taken to another place. - Okay, I've got it now. - You got the train? - Yeah, so a car, 3,000 pound car, traveling 30 miles per hour generates 4,103 pounds of force, and a train, a fully loaded train is 60 million pounds of force. - Holy shit, with an M, 60 million. - Holy shit. - I'm gonna try to explain this video for a while here. - Yeah, that explodes you. - Yeah, it has to. - But it must've hit him so perfectly to not explode him. The front. - I feel like that would just split him in half. - Why is he so perfect? Why is he so perfectly centered? That's like, yeah, it feels like you tried a little bit. - It seems like he was placed there. Like it seems like somebody set him up. - Like Banksy drew him on there. - Yeah, it's like a straight up hood ornament. - Yeah, man. - I remember this story. - What? - Did you guys remember this story? - No. - So this dude accidentally, like he just slipped and slipped and fell and he fell in between where this subway is. - Is he alive right now? - Did he live? - He was alive the entire time he was sitting there. They couldn't move the train. Because once they moved the train, his body would just fall in half. - Oh yeah. - So what they did was they kept it there. They called this family and had his son and his wife come and kiss him and say goodbye. And then the police were like, all right, move the train. And then his half of his body just went, how funny would it be if Hulk Hogan showed up and leg dropped him right there? - Shoot, shoot, shoot. Off the top of a wheel, American. (laughing) - Boom. - All right, I got a question for you. - I am a piece of shit. - Do you want, I'm in that boat with you. - Do you want, I got two questions. One, if you're the guy, do you want your wife and son to see you like this? And if you're a son or wife, do you wanna come and say goodbye to this dude? Or do you wanna just remember him the way? - Yeah. - Look, speaking as your son, right here. - Is this Stone Temple Pilot's song? - Yeah. - Well, let your son answer. - Yo, speaking as your son. - Great question. - For sure, wanna come say goodbye to you. - Really? - Really? - I don't care what kind of mode or whatever the fuck this is, whatever you're in. If I have one chance to come say goodbye to my dad, I'm going to say goodbye to my dad. - Oh, you're not gonna come back and be like, I'll live to you, you little bitch. Just like fucking whispering his ear. - Well, I know I'm gonna anyways, so I mean. - Yeah. I'm for sure, I'm sure you wanna come say. - Can you give him a condition? - You're 100%, and then I would say goodbye, and then I would head home and be like, I'll see you at the funeral. - No. - Because I'm not gonna see the aftermath of this. The aftermath of this would fuck me up. - Do you want your kid coming to say goodbye to you like that? - No. - I don't. - Uh-uh. - I think honestly, it's not your choice. - I think it is my choice. - My body, my choice. - I agree. - Then I pull out a gun and boom. - Yeah, yeah. - I think it is, man. I want you to remember me as a dude who takes acid in 10 in the morning, but I don't want you to remember he is this guy. - Oh, trust me, I don't think that memory ever goes away. - Yeah. - A couple of them ask you this, have you been to an open casket funeral? - Literally this past week, two, three days ago. - Okay. - Yeah. - Family member? - Yes. - Okay, and your thoughts afterwards? - Here's the thing, the first two funerals I had been to were also open caskets for family members, one my great grandmother and one my grandmother. The last one I went to was in 2010, and that open casket just fucked me up so much. And so for this one, I was close enough to see said family member, but I did not go up to said casket. Because it just like, I, one, I just, I don't understand. - I don't understand. - I don't understand. - I don't understand. - I wanna be the first person. - I wanna be the first person. - I wanna be the first person up there. Well, the tradition is to make sure they're dead. - Yes. - Right. - In closure. - Was it 28 days later? - Yeah. - Well, I mean, that's why I always fucking pop them one more time. - Oh my God. - Hey, yeah. Double tap, man. - If you're the first in the receiving line, you can throw something weird into the casket and somebody looks over like, oh my God, is that a butt plug? Why is there a butt plug? He wanted to be buried with it, folks. - With his best friend. - I like to go to strangers' funerals and just drop weird stuff in the casket. - Hilarious. - I don't understand the open casket, because this is it. This is basically what I like it. - You remember your loved one? Well, they don't really look like that. This is like, it's like a, it's like a, what the puppet version? - Yeah, it's like a madam-to-so's fucking wax version. - It's like a weird terrible wax version of that person. If you're gonna, you're gonna, what I want you to do is I want you to make me jacked. Stuff me a little bit. I'll put you in a Superman bodysuit. - Well, now we can use AI and just play a video, right? - Well, Bob, pull up the guy from the other day who is weightlifting. We'll show you this, 'cause I think this is what you're looking for. This is how you want your open casket, if you're gonna do this. - Yes, we're not doing an open casket for you. - Absolutely not. - But you'd come see me split in half? - Well, you're not split in half yet. - And you're still alive! - What if he's not in a casket? - Great idea. - I mean, you can just get down there and sew him up. - Okay. - You can have half a dad. - Damn it, we got some sponsors that put this shit wagon on the air. First and foremost, go to spit.com/drinkymbros, 50% off. Everything in the entire store right now. True story, drop the kids off this morning. It's usually 7.15, I can hit the office by 7.30, 7.35. Walk in, Anthony, and who do I see? Land down on the fucking ghost bed, massaging topper, but Joel, in the fucking edit bay up there. He's got it plugged in. - Was he wearing pants? - Back by his computer, thankfully he did. But I didn't know, first of all, I didn't know he was up that early. He was editing Rob O'Neill's show, "The Operator," which is awesome, but I was like, "Holy, scared the shit out of me." Secondly, when you hear vibration and then you see a man laying down on the floor, groaning, I was expecting the worst. I was expecting the worst, but I got the best. - Well, what is the worst? You know, just greased up, spread eagle Jack. That's what I thought I was gonna see with Joel, and I was like, "God damn it, man." I don't think you should jerk off where you were. - That's not how you, well, I won't go that far. - Really? - But I will say-- - I don't jerk off where I were. - I will say you don't wanna walk in on that first thing. - No. - Sure. 'Cause that controls the whole rest of your day. - Luckily, everything was all right, it's at about 30 a.m. And Joel was on the up and up here. It could've gone bad. It could've gone bad. But the good news is he loved it. He loves the goddamn thing from Ghostbed, and you should go out and get it, all right? Comes with a remote control. You can change all the settings, the up-c downsies, all aroundsies, and you don't need a bed. Like, you can just pop it up on the floor. It's about the size of a twin. It's just a twin size bed. And also put it down on a twin size bed. It's fucking awesome, man. They're always innovating over there, and a big fan of all their products. I get a mattress, sheets and pillows, and every single room on my house. Texas is getting fucking hot here. The cooling technology is amazing in the pillows. It's amazing in the mattress, and the sheets as well. All of it's got a patent on it, so nobody else is doing this shit. 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Put this up on screen for him. - Well, get him stuff, a taxidermy. - Pull his hands on his back and just carry him around. - This is who I want to be. - This is who I want to be. - This is it right here. - This, this is it right here. So this guy's dead and he was apparently a big weight lifter. Obviously that's his family in the background right there. - Jesus Christ. - So they put him on a weight bend. - No, that's worse. - In the garage. - That's what I want. - But that's what he loves to do. - Oh, they stuck him. - That's what I want. - But that's what they-- - But that's what they-- - That's what he loves to do. - Oh, that's just your dad. Like, how do you-- - Like, how do you-- - Like, how do you bring a girl home to fuck her now? - Do you, Jeff, done him your own father and turn him into a puffet and stuff your hand up his ass? - That's the new act. - For the sake of the joke? - Yes. - But then you become a bitch. - But then you become a bitch. - And you've got to travel with your dead dad forever. Because now you're in the bit. - Here's what I'm going to say. - And you've got to fist him every night on stage. - As long as he doesn't smell like a dead body, I can work with it. As long as he doesn't smell like shit, I think I'm good. - So you would Jeff done him your dad, dude. - I don't hate this dad. - By the way, we're going to, I would love to make that a new urban dictionary term. Hey, did you Jeff done him her last night? (laughing) - That actually does seem like a-- - Yeah, it seems a little more romantic than fisting, for sure. - Yeah. - Well, I don't call it fisting either. I call it five in the stink. - He does, yeah. (laughing) - It's a fiber, it's a fiber in the stink. - You know. - It's a five dollar foot. - 'Cause I like to count. - You've established that I count, so. - It's a handshake with your colon, it's all it is. - That's all that is. - Please to meet you. - Yeah. - Welcome to Hollywood. - That's right, can I take your picture now? - I see everything's in the water in here. (laughing) - I see you've organized your sock your other way I would have, okay, so. - Yeah, I think that Jeff got him puppet ideas, not terrible. - No, I actually, we might have to kill you sooner. - Yeah, work on it. Work on it, see how these go. - Yeah, can I tell you your feelings go with your career? - Probably wouldn't admit to the murder ahead of time and then on television or whatever. - No, but if he takes enough acid, he doesn't wash it. - Yeah, but also people would never think that I would do it if I admitted to it publicly. - That's true, yeah. - Or just, you know, I'm throwing-- - Like, what am I an idiot? - Yeah, I'm throwing trays everywhere, people. - Throw people off my trail. - If you threaten everybody, I think you can get away with a lot more stuff. - That's what I'm saying. - This is his open class here. - I didn't play in sight. - And he's right there on stage with you. - Can I tell you, I did a, I was on a TV show called, "My Name's Earl", and my character died, right? And at my funeral, the joke was nobody really knew me, so my funeral ended up being a party. And one of the scenes was at the funeral, they were gonna open the casket, Earl was gonna open the casket, and somebody was gonna have put a cigarette in my mouth. And so, they go, all right Josh, time to get in the casket, and I go, okay. And I lay down, they give me the cigarette, and they light it, and they're about to close the casket, and I go, oh, I go, hey, just. It's flame retardant in here, right? And that guy goes, it's a great question, hold on. And he goes, hey, can I have Josha? Okay, hey, yeah, get out of that casket. - Then the armor from Russ, the armor from Russ comes by. - Yeah, that was, that was actually, he said to me, he goes, good catch. I'm like, that's it, good catch? - Yeah, good catch, that was almost your actual funeral. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Hey man, you were dressed for the show, or dressed for the occasion. - You're dressed for the job you want. - But you know what's funny? He wasn't really even dressed for it. He was dressed in one of those dumb and dumber-esque suits with the crazy ruffles now? - Was that not how you're gonna get buried? - I hope so. - It was kind of nice though, it was a nice purple suit. - Well, here's, Jared and I have three potential ideas, and they're not, they don't all overlap necessarily, but one of them, this is the way I'm gonna die, suicide, right? So, the first. - For sure? - No, just, it's fun to think about, man. - Yeah, it's a nice fantasy. - Yeah, some people are three sums, is it suicide? - Yeah, is it pants off, suicide? - No, no, no, no. So, my idea was-- - That's a good question, actually. - My idea is I wanted to get fired out of a cannon into a brick wall, right? And then have the splatter pad and turned into art, sell the art, and then use the money to troll my friends, do weird shit to 'em, right? - This is great idea. - Yeah, I think so. - So, canvas is up, and then boom, he gets shot into its blood everywhere. Whatever that final Jackson Pollock, what splatter is-- - Question, question. - How far away do you think the cannon needs to be from the wall? - 15 feet, I think, is probably safe. - When I say safe, I mean safely going to murder me. - I feel like you might go slow the wall at 15 feet. - No, this brick behind it, right? - Brick behind it, yeah. - So, head first. - Yep, yep. - Okay, and is this like an event where you're inviting people to come across? - Everybody's welcome, right? Wow, oh, by the way, characters welcome, USA. - I know we're all fucked up 'cause I know all four of us, for sure, are attending that, 'cause you're the one being shot out of a cannon. - Yeah, I'll be there. - We'll be there. - We're sure gonna be there. - Tell them about the surprise party. - Oh yeah, so this is Jared's idea. Jared's idea is he's gonna throw me a surprise birthday party, and we walk into this big fucking open area, and everybody's like, surprise. I'm like, "Oh good, you're all here." And I just blow my brains out in front of everybody I know. - Yep, friends, family, everything. - Ruin their lives forever. - And it's a birthday party, and then their lives are ruined forever because they went and this guy blew himself up. - Oh, by the way, you're gonna ruin lives generationally. - Oh god, oh yeah, you're gonna fuck up, 'cause they're gonna have kids who are still gonna be damaged from what their parents mean. - 'Cause they're gonna have pictures of me and the internet exists and all this stuff, like, "Hey, whatever happened to that guy?" "Well, you're not gonna believe this." - Yo, the kids being born 20 years later are gonna have trouble. - That's all right. - Goddamn right. - Damn, what? - The last one is my favorite, though. It's the Today Show. You know how they have the glass outside, and people come and wave with the birthday thing. - Oh, and that's such a... - He's got a suicide vest on, and then he clacks off right behind Hoda Coddby, and then, "Oh my god, dude." Hoda and Jenna are just spl... Like, the glasses splatter with blood behind him. They've got to cut to a commercial, but they would have to move the entire set, because that's where the cameras are. I mean, even to reset this would take 30 minutes. - But also, the whole building-- - I'm asking the Today Show. - Oh, yeah. - The building would be, like, to have the building would be gone. You'd have to find a whole other place. - Look, I'm an explosives expert. I'll make it work. I'm not gonna take the whole building down. I don't want to kill anybody except for everybody near me. - Yeah. - I love that for me, my favorite one. - This is tough one. - I love this show. - This is the cannon. - The Crackle time. - I'm putting the Today, if I'm voting for what I'd like to see, I put the Today Show last, only because I don't mind you killing yourself, but I don't know why you got to kill anybody else. - Well, this, it's like a bunch of... - I'm here for my 40th. - It's like short-haired women from fucking Minneapolis, like, "You're the worst people in the world, babe." Boom! - Yeah, I'll be making the world come more, though. - We traveled all the way from Des Moines. (laughing) - I can't! (laughing) - Party is heading back right now. (laughing) I would go, so I would go, I think, Today Show last. And here's what I'm caught between. I'm caught between my curiosity and what I think is the funniest. - Sure, yeah, yeah. - Okay, and my curiosity is to what happens to your body fired out of a cannon from 15 feet away from a wall is crazy. - Yeah, that's number one for me. - It's crazy, but just comedy-wise, walking into a room, the emotional rollercoaster that those people are going on. - Oh, man. - Oh, yeah! - Oh! - Same. - Well, the other direction I'm gone with this is, what would the note for each one of those be? 'Cause I think for the Today Show, I would do something silly that would make no sense. Like, Today Jr. just quote Alan Sandler. - Yeah. - And make fun of the word, "Today." But, and everybody's like, what do you think you meant by this? - I would write the crazy, fancy manifesto. - Oh, yeah. Well, that's another idea, right? - Manifesto you gotta do. - Yeah. - Your manifesto would be amazing. - Oh, can you imagine? - You'd be like, who puts cheddar cheese on a ham and cheese sandwich? And people were like, what the fuck? - Yeah. - You're so mad at the cheddar. - Yeah. (laughing) - Cheddar. - I'm so mad at the cheddar. - You know, it's not really yellow. They add that. - Is that true? - That's die, yeah. It's not real. I like this shit. - White cheddar. - Milk is what it's made of. You ever seen orange milk? If you have, then the milk was fucked. - If you ever had orange milk, you need to go see a doctor. - Yeah. - White cheddar. - White cheddar matters. - Everything's better when it's white. Everybody knows that. - Yeah, white cheddar. I mean, that was my nickname in high school. - Cheddar, power, whatever, right? - Yeah. (laughing) - There's so many whites. - That is, you know, they're not one of things. - It's cheese. - It's mostly. - It's mostly those two. - There was. (laughing) - There was a sugar today and I was in Austin downtown walking around getting coffee and it said organic whites. - That was the sugar. I'm like, can you say this anymore? - I think so, yeah. - Organic whites. - I think so. - Yeah. - But how do we, what's an organic whites? - Well. - Was it next to the brown sugar? - Yeah. - Was it next to the brown sugar? - There was. - Which one did you take? (laughing) - Josh. - Let's see, is this Josh? - By the way, I think white sugar is actually cocaine. I don't know if organic white sugar is bleached. It's not good for you, you shouldn't eat it. - You fucking racist, you took the white one? - I actually don't put sugar in my coffee 'cause I'm not a pussy. - Okay. - That's false, you definitely put something in your coffee. - No, I put butter and I put. - Stevia. - No, only when it's at home and I can, (imitates buzzer) but I'll put some butter and I put some. - You did it every day on the road last week. I put you every weekend when you get a coffee. - You got coffee. - Not my own coffee. If I go out and drink these other people, shitty coffee, I put Stevia in it. - Okay, fair enough. - What's your own, what do you drink, typically? - I like a bulletproof coffee. I got some crazy mold out of this. - But you go butter over MCT. - He does both. - I prefer MCT, but I prefer MCT just because it helps. It's a very concentrated lipid carrier which helps get nutrients into your bloodstream better, so that's why I do it, but I butter, I think tastes better. - It butter for me is more about the acidity. It just makes it easier. - Well, you have salt helps with that too. - In the coffee? - Yeah, bulletproof coffee actually started on fucking on battleships and submarines because they get this old dried out coffee. So they would salt cuts the bitterness and butter last longer than milk. - I'll tell you something, man. For me, I just have a crazy mold allergy. And so I have to be really careful about, and coffee is made with mold. That's basically how it sits in that big, right? - Well, it depends on how it's, like if it's natural processed with muesliage still on it, then you're probably safer. - There's like four or five coffees that are mold-free the way, and so I always have to find those. - Okay, I'm just getting it in me. It's a color of an NBA player's wife. It's white. You don't even see any black, but you don't even know that it's coffee. - Oh, is it milk in? - Yes. - And it's MCT oil powder, dash of creamer, and then I'm on my way. He'll, he'll, he'll like shit from like Somalia. We're like, you can still see the child's hands, their fingerprints on the beans. We were just like, oh, fuck. - Actually, I like Panamanian Geisha. That's my favorite. I think that's the premium coffee in the world, but then Irga Chef is good. Ethiopian that has fruity flavors is good, you know. - Do you put, I put little creatine in my coffee. I like all that shit. - My creatine levels are abnormally high already, so I don't have to use that, but I do put MCT oil powder, and then I put, what else do I put in there? Collagen, sometime, right? - Kevin Spacey. - Well, hope some Spacey Collagen. - If I can get it. - It's hard to find right now, yeah. - Were you gonna say, John? - Is the fingerprint of a coffee bean? Like the, you know, when the missing kid is on the side of a milk carton? - Yeah, it's fine. - Is that the same thing? - Well, it's, it's, it's worth more. So it's like the, it's like the signature in a cabbage patch. - Yeah. - It's a certificate of authenticity. - That's right. - You know this came from Somalia because there's a child's hand in the fucking bag. - It's a couple of them are stained with a little bit of blood. - Yeah. - That's what they use as a scooper. They just have a little Ethiopian boy's hand. - It's worth more. - Just, just the skeleton just picking up prices. - $80 a cup. Oh, well you can see the child's fingerprint. - Yeah. - When he grabbed it. Like this is the good shit. - Actually, if you align the beans in a right order, it looks like they're face. - Yeah. - This is the, yeah. Yum yum and his sister. They scooped these. - Yum yum and his. - I don't know. - Yum yum. - No. - Siakum. - Okay. - Like something, you gotta go like something from the region. - Yeah. - Yum yum wasn't right. - No. - Yum yum was crazy. - Baby Siakum's down there. Yeah. - After, you know, he's done with the coffee. They'll bring him the diamonds and, you know, he's gotta go in those mines too. - Two for one, yeah. - Yeah. - But I'm sure he's gonna make at least 17 cents a day. Yeah, but he's gotta, 17 cents a day, but he's gotta fight his way out of the mines after he gets the diamonds. - Yeah, that's where Jim and Hansu came from. And he's a goddamn success. - Sure is. - Legend in Hollywood. - That's right. - Listen man, whoever is successful in Hollywood, that's who we should be championing, right? - Jim and Hansu, and what's that? - Kevin Space. - That big fuckers, no. - That big fucker from the Cameroonian fighter, what's his name? - Francis and God. - Francis and God. - Yeah, yeah. - Look, those are real people. That dude was fighting for his life. - Yes, literally. - Legit. - Yeah. - Harvey Weinstein's getting uncanceled as we speak. I mean, they just got overturned in New York. - I don't think he's getting uncanceled. - I just think he got, I think he's praying that since they're dismissing one of them, they're gonna dismiss all the other charges. - But is he like Michael Jackson where we need him? Like we kinda need him right now. (laughing) - Do we let it slide? Because we need better movies? Like do we? - Oh, movies are, that's a crazy, now that you say that. - We let it go. - Since that bad went down, there has not been like a great movie movie. - Yeah, I'm flopping hybrid. Let me see it. Everything else has been so-- - I shouldn't even see it. I didn't even have, it didn't feel-- - That's great. - No, I have no trust in movies. - Let me run something by you. Are you familiar with Operation Paperclip? - No. - You guys know what that is? - No, not before it. - So that was the operation, the OSS Office of Strategic Services, which is the precursor to the CIA. It was their operation in the late 1940s to take all of the Nazi scientists and bring them over and put them in now. - I didn't hear about that yet. - So all I'm saying is, we've made compromises before. - Yeah. - And to be honest, the Nazi scientists were probably, at least marginally worse than Harvey Weinstein. Right? - Yeah, yeah, I put him in there. - I'm not saying do it. I'm just saying it would be on track. - I do think for sure. - I do think for sure. - Warner Brown, yeah, he was the top physicist for the Nazis. And he invented the fucking rocket technology that sent us to the moon. - We needed him. - No, that's true. - Yeah, we needed him. - Harvey Weinstein would Kaiser Sosey us. - He'd walk out of his space. - He would. - Is he referenced? - He would walk out of his circle. - They would roll him out of court. - They would roll him out of court and he would stand up out of that fucking wheelchair. - Light up a cigar. - Yeah, look straight down those steps like eat my dick. - That's one of the best reveals of all time, by the way. When you started walking normally down the sidewalk, that's one of the best reveals all the time. - In that HBO doc series. - I think so. - They go over that, by the way. So in the HBO doc series, they go and they point to that moment and they show him getting out of the car and that's where he was a worldwide superstar. - Did you watch the whole thing? - Yeah. - And so does it make him look worse, better, same? - You know, it's strange. Like he's a gay dude hitting on other dudes. All of them wanted something from him. Like where they all over 18? - Yes, yes. - And also not like a, this is in our world but we have many, many gay friends. You have many, many gay friends. It, the relationship between two gay men and a straight man and a straight woman, it's fucking light years apart. It's like the same. - And you don't know until you're there. Like I remember first going to Hollywood and I worked for this gay dude. He was like 80 years old, right? And he threw these crazy parties and all this other shit and he would tell me about other actors being gay that I didn't know about. And I was like, no way is any of this real. And then there was another party that I went to, walked in, there was a bunch of gay dudes fucking in the back and I was like, oh shit. - Yeah. - So did it smell like murder in there? - No, no. - 'Cause it smelled like that butler. - Damn it, you stole it. I was just gonna say that. - The wild thing was it's, it always smells great in a gay guy's house. It doesn't really matter. Like the best parties, best drugs, everything. But then you realize quickly you grew up, I grew up in Georgia. So like I never saw gay people do anything. And then I'm there and I'm like, well, how is this different than what I used to do in a fucking fraternity with girls? And then it just kind of, oh, that went away where I was just like, let's just gay dudes getting down. Like this is how-- - Yeah, but instead of-- - It's people be gay. - Yeah. - But instead of an aggressor and the damsel, right? And whatever mode she's in distress or fleeing or playing coy or whatever, it's two aggressors. Just jamming their dicks together. I don't know how it works. I don't know how it works. (laughing) - It's definitely not that. It's definitely not that. I don't know. - By the way, you were like, wait a minute, they're dicks together. I'm like, is that how? I don't think that's what they're doing. - I don't, wait, hold on. Docking. - Docking, yeah. - They put the, I think-- - You get your foreskin required for this, I believe. - Right. You need to-- - At least one guy's gotta have foreskin. No, that's-- - That's not it. - That's sounding. - That's not it. - Oh, we gotta monitor out on this one over here. - That's the P-hole. Honestly, that looks like a parasite. It looks like a worm. You know what it looks like? It looks like they're force feeding a baby eagle. (laughing) You're just with droppers. That, the, something in the P-hole dude is the worst. - It's called sounding. - Sounding, yeah. Sounding. - That's the worst. - I'm pretty sure there's another one of those like, one guy, one jar videos where this guy sticks something crazy in his P-hole. But I think the craziest videos are the, are the, what are those things? The, the, when the, the butthole comes out the butthole. - A prolapse thing. - The prolapse comes out and then you see the videos of people putting the prolapse in their mouth. Those to me are the nastiest videos of the day. - I mean, you can grab somebody by and just swing them over your head like a lasso, to be honest. - But I'm so surprised that the prolapse is that big. - What? - It's, it's-- - How many feet? - Of intestines? - Yeah. - That is like 26 feet. - Yeah, but it comes out. It looks like a eggplant. Like a giant-- - Yeah. - And you're like, that was it. - Oh God. - Oh, there we go. - And you're a dainty man. So like we could swing you around by it pretty easily. - Oh, you know what by the way? I think people will think that you, I should be insulted by dainty man, but I'm gonna say thank you. - No, you've got a, you've got a sweet prince body. - Thank you. - Where you look great in women's clothes and men's clothes. - Appreciate, I do. - You go to the vintage clothing stores. - 100%? - You get all the cool shit. - Yep. - You always look cool. prolapseparty.com. - This is two people rubbing their prolapse together, yeah. By the way, that should be, that picture should be called two roses. - Yeah. - Dude, that, that looks like what the internet was called. - You have seal singing in the background? - Yeah, dude. - Yeah. - Kissed by rose. - That's like what the inside of a dog dick looks like. That like, don't take the red rock. - Yeah, that's not great. - He typed it prolapseparty.com is crazy. - No, that's, he just looked up a prolapse picture and it had that stamped on it. - This was, this is booked Mark. - We've opened up a whole room. - This is the favorite. - That's the only way he can get all the anti-government subversive shit I say is not gonna ever get us in trouble for this shit though. - Oh yeah. - Cause we, our search history is fucked. - By the way, what'd you say you call it two roses? - Yeah. - Literally the top header here on the photo says, suck that rose. - Oh my god. - Dude. - I've never seen prolapse that red. I thought they were on the purple side. - No, when it comes out like that, it's, it's a deep red. Like, oh are they licking it? - Yeah. - No, he tried to put them in the mouth and they like deep throwed a prolapse. - He tried to click on the video and it was like, you must paid in order to join this website. - Do you hate this video? I'm gonna have to send you one. - I can't do it. - Can I send you one? - Can I send you one? - Is it the one of you shitting in a box outside of your house? - I don't mind that. - That was just a picture. - That was just a picture. - I didn't watch that on there. - I didn't watch that on there. I didn't watch that on there. I don't mind shitting like I can watch it and laugh about it. - Dude, wait, wait till I, ah, this video that I have to send you. So I'm on a, I don't know, are you on a list with anybody? I'm sure you guys seem like the kind of people. - People send you gross shit, yo, no, no, no, no, no, no. I thought you meant like so the joint chiefs print out everything I say because I talk so shit about it, but not a list like you're talking about. - Oh, no, not that kind of list. - Yeah, I'm on the list. - That's a long list. - Yeah, I've got a gross text thread with some people and then eventually I had to check out of it. - I'm gonna go ahead and send you a couple. Okay. - Yeah. - Just make sure you're in a, in a calm headspace and sitting down because I've been sending some of these videos before. - You know what DM me because I don't think my phone's working. - No, I don't know if that's gonna work. - No, I don't think it works. I got nothing here. - But why, that doesn't, it looks like a chewed up piece of gum is what our butthole looks like. - Well, maybe that's what all of our buttholes looks like. - I mean, can I take a guess and assume all of these people are European? - Ah! - I don't think that's safe. - I don't think that's safe either. - Really? - If it's European, it would probably be German, right? - Does that say? - It's a hundred percent. - Did that say, can you go back up? - Oh, I know, that's just a gyro anal. I'm like, what? - Well, that's the new German. - You're hungry, you have to wait. - Idi and gyro, out of some woman's prolabs, the asshole. - That's a greasy thing. - It's a greasy prolab. - Well, the Greeks did invent butsex. - Yup. - Is that true? - Yeah. - They invented it? - Well, I mean, look, I'm sure a cave man fucked another cave man up his ass at some point. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. - But as far as normal- - They patented it. - Yeah, they patented it. They also used, I think, back with the Etruscans, they were using a sea kel, but at some point, there's a theory that olive oil was created just for butsex. - Yeah. - By the way. I'm really gonna enjoy cooking with olive oil for sure. - Sure, yeah. - That's gonna make me feel a lot better. - Either better or worse, it's but not the same. - There's an old guard down the street if you're looking to go for the show. - Hey, we're family. - We were just there two weeks ago. We flew out two listeners and we went and shook out wildly. - Yeah, we do run every couple of months. - And this breadsticks? - Oh, yeah, yeah, all of it. The next one is for Juneteenth. We're flying out a listener. We have this thing called the Brobox here, which is one of us. So if they order it off the website, then we pick somebody out at random and we're taking them in Red Lobster for Juneteenth because Biden hates black people. - Yes. - So I was gonna say I feel like-- - He's trying to be a new person instead. - Well, our mental cigarettes. You know, the Biden administration tried to ban menthols right now. - Yeah, they are. - Yeah. - So we're like, I'm not on board with that. - Me neither. - You guys don't want the black vote. Do you get Red Lobster and menthols, dude? - I've got three-- - What's next? - I have three black friends. - Purple suits? - You know what I mean? - Three black friends. - I mean, we gotta, we gotta stand up. Can I tell you? - This is the new civil rights movement. - My brother, so we were on, we were in Sherman Oaks, right? And Escalator up down. We were going to movie theater, right? And my brothers and I were, we had just seen a movie, we were coming down. - Your actual brothers? There were these black people. - My actual brothers. - Okay. - But there were two, there was a black couple in front of us. - Sure. - And coming up the Escalator was an older black couple and the guy was in a purple suit and the woman was in a nice dress. And the younger black guy who was going down was in the middle of talking to his girlfriend. And as the dude in the purple suit was coming up, the Escalator passed him, he just leaned over and he goes, "Hey, we're not doing that anymore, brother." (laughing) And then just went back to his conversation. My brother, Dan and I, we were fucking happy. 'Cause he was so casual about it. He was like, "Hey, we're not doing that anymore, brother." And then he just, (laughing) - What was the guy's reaction? He was wearing the suit. - He was laughing, it was very funny, very casual, how it went. - I enjoy that. - I did too. - I wish I could've seen that. - It was same time. Actually, Dan and I were just talking about it. You know what, guys? I'm the only person in my family that married a white woman. And my only-- - That's true. - I'm also the only one left in the will, but for sure, I have my little nephew's black, and my little niece is black. Hey, I'm the only person, he's half Asian, actually, or probably Asian. - Yeah, I will say-- - Which half? - Listen, he's half Jewish, half Asian, and he's six, three. That doesn't make sense. - But I will say, it doesn't make sense, right? - Tall, but bad at math. So God, whoever created me was like, "Hey, I'm giving you one, I'm not giving you the other." Like, one of those. I will say, the great thing, though, about both of your brothers marrying black women is that I don't have to deal with shitty, white people food at Thanksgiving anymore. - By the way, the mac and cheese is on fucking point. - Yo, the food is actually, I actually look forward to eating at Thanksgiving. I don't think there's somebody who's actually able to cook, thus. - So when I was in the army, I made friends with all the, anybody that was a different culture than mine, because I just wanted to go to their mom's house and eat their food. - Facts. - Really? - So great. - What was the best, what was the best? - Ramadan. - Yeah? - Because I didn't have to do any of the fasting. I ate all day, then I showed up and ate all God damn night, too. - What food, what, give me an example of the food. - I just-- - Amazing. - Traditional Middle Eastern food. Like, there's a lot of overlap between, in my opinion, there's a lot of overlap between like Greek food and Middle Eastern food, right? - Yeah. - Like, a lot of PETA, stuff like that. A lot of, they use spice because it's poor people food, right? - Yeah. - They use spice in a way that like, American food is bullshit. White people food, especially like Northern European food that made its way over here. I've heard Norwegians say things like spicy ketchup before. I'm like, that's vinegar, it's salt, dude. That's not spice. - I will say though, spicy, like, the spicy ketchup from Waterburger is pretty fire. - Yeah, spicy ketchup is a thing, but that's not what they're talking about. They're talking about this ketchup is kind of spicy. - Yeah. - I'm like, all right, cool. You should go back, do you know what Ludefisk is? You ever heard of this? - I love his albums. - Yeah, it's, Ludefisk is a Norwegian. - Bitch, get out of the way. - Is it that fish that's in a can? - That's Gefelter fish. - That's Gefelter, that's your people actually, but they cure cod and lie and big fucking barrels and it turns into jelly. It's like fish jelly. It's the grossest thing of all time. It's like, hey, you should try this, it's our tradition. I'm like, you know, my people's tradition was to kill your people. - Yeah. - We do now, how deep are we going here? - Fuck that tradition, that's the one that's awesome. - I love that Rosebud on all fours is still. - Oh, Bob will leave it there forever. It'll be here on Monday morning when we get back. - Yeah, what's the other one? - He does a lot of prolapses. Have you heard that audio of Meek Mill get fucked by P.W.? - Yeah, I don't. - He plays that on Q as well. - We're on YouTube, Bob, we're on YouTube today. - He can do it now. - Can you do it on YouTube? - That is a disturbing, and I am a fan of disturbing things. - Sure. - Hold another level. - I've got levels though, that one's the same. - That one's tougher. - He's got post-traumatic stress from it. Now, I can't get post-traumatic stress because I am the T and that's the, I'm the trauma, you know what I mean? So I don't have to worry about that shit. - He gets ricked up here in it, whereas I just-- - He said I'm the problem. - Yeah, I'm the problem that's me. I fucking crater where I'm like, I can't hear it one more time. - It just didn't sound fun. - I mean, if I was walking through the airport and somebody hacked the PA system and that started playing, I would laugh so hard. - I would laugh so hard. - Me, sir, I would laugh at that too. - It did just happen the other day. Hey, Delka, was that the PGA tournament or? No, it was Luca. - Oh, it was Luca Dodge's press conference. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I did see that. - Wait, what played? - So, a reporter was in the room for the press conference afterwards. The Bluetooth speaker was hooked up, and it locked into his phone and it was just graphic sex. - Yeah. - And Luca's just like, Jesus Christ. - Luca, Luca, see what the fuck, like, like he's so confused. Yeah, it was a pretty funny clip. - And you see people diving for their phones? 'Cause it's all dude. - Is that me? Is it me that could be me? Every single guy was like, that probably could have been my search history. - Because after a good one, sometimes you leave it on one of those screens where you're like, you know what, I might get back to that later. - I might come back to it. Yeah, yeah. - Sometimes you wanna get to the first half or something. - This is why people get caught. - The second half is gonna be amazing. - Did it never leave evidence around? No evidence, no witnesses. I don't even touch things with my fingerprints in public. Ever. If I don't know if you've ever noticed or not, but I fucking never do that. - I know. - No evidence. - You touch other people's children with tongs. - Yeah, why don't, I try not to touch other people's children. - Yeah. (laughing) - But sometimes you just can't help it. You know what I mean? - Yeah, they're so cute. - Yeah, that's what Michael Jackson said. - It's your fault for fucking dressing them that way. - It sure is. - I said some of them were Michael Jackson online the other day and there are still people out there. - Oh, they love them. So the end of time. - No, you can, here's the thing. You can like the music but why are we still defending? You say this all the time. If you take away his name and you say, hey, there's a dude down the street who is having kids sleep over in his house behind two locked doors and he built a zoo in an amusement park. - What about Jerry? I've heard recently that there is a legal movement to clear Jerry Sandusky's name because. - I heard about that too. - Like it's all, it was all a setup or something. That's the story. - Come on. - A lot, I've read that too. A lot of it is like it's all or some of the testimony is literally like recovered memories. - Yes, correct, so going under hypnosis and then recovering a memory is all of the fucking testimony from the victims is my understanding. - Yeah, which is, is that not a real thing? Or are they saying they're generating memories? - Well, think about how things work. Like think about a random person you know that is like into astrology or something and how they just create fiction for themselves. - Okay. - You know what I mean? So I could see it, I guess. That doesn't mean he's innocent. - I'm just saying, that's something they're probably looking at. - Sandusky? - There was that documentary on Showtime. I don't know if you saw this about the first memory to come out of hypnosis that was allowed in court. And this dude was, I forget if they ended up convicting him but they went back and actually found out that they were just generated memories. - You, you, you, oh. - I forget what the original AI, that's fucking crazy. - But it was the very first, it was the very first court case. It was a documentary on Showtime and I watched it like three in the morning high out of my mind in the hotel. - It's the only time you watch it. - But, but it was fascinating to see it start, it was allowed in court. And so this dude was like, this is not tested. - Have you done it? Have you done hypnosis? - I'm in the middle of doing it right now. - Do they record it? - Wait, do they record it? - Look, is that why you're dosing yourself up on acid? - I got my recording too. - Maybe? - I, here's a-- - Try to generate more memories. - Yeah, that's it. - I'm gonna tell you the truth. The last, I'm gonna tell you why. It's part of the last time I was on this show. One of the reasons I was on this show, and remember I told you, I don't know if you guys remember, I told you a story about pushing what felt like evil out of my hands. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - That's right, that happened to you. - Yeah, it was here. - Okay, so, and I remember you saying, who touched you? That's exactly what you said. You were like, that seems like a repressed memory of something, right? And so I was like, do I have, is there something? And so I've been stewing on that for about a year and a half. - Sure. - And so I finally recently was like, you know what? I'm gonna do some hypnotherapy and see what the deal is because they're, they're, they're from age 12 and younger. I just don't know anything about my life, right? And so you are the one who, I started doing this. So I blame you for the acid. - I'll take the blame for asking you. - Yeah, by the way. - But you getting touched is not on damn. - Either me, Albert Hoff and Timothy Leary are romp-doss. - Yeah, I'll take all of them, yeah. - But, but, but, but fascinating enough, I just started doing it. I, um... - Well, they record you. - Yeah. - So do you, do you take the tapes home with you? Do you listen to it? - Pound off to them. - I was... - Come on, man. You got a fucking... - Well, I... - Drink some more of that ketone IQ. - Here's what I do is I, I watch the prolapse video volume down with the audio of my hypnotherapy. And that's what I dropped down. - That's, now you're getting me fucking ripped out. - I'm about to take my belt off to wrap around my neck and carry it in myself right now, dude, in honor of you. - Yeah, he's got the gaseous costume over there. - I got enough spotters in here, you guys will save me. - For sure, dude. You put the, the, the hat on, the train hat. - Woo hoo! - Woo hoo! - And then I just... - Shreddy, sh*t, sh*t, sh*t, sh*t. - Sh*t, sh*t, sh*t, sh*t. - By the way, if you have the conductor hat on, you have to make that noise when you come. - No, we can, we can get a, we can get a steam whistle put in here. - If that's the last noise you make when you come... - Woo hoo! - And it's the only way that I could get off, and it was like, holy sh*t. What would happen later in life? Like, I've been married for 10 years now, so it's like, what happens if it's later in life, does your wife stay with you? If it's like, that's the only way you can get off? - I think she does. - I think so, I don't know. - Yeah, she's already been here for long enough. - You gotta ease her into it. Like, just start by taking her to like, well, or have her follow that British kid on YouTube that reviews trains. - Oh, is that crazy 360 camera in front of him? I love him. - There you go, right? - And then he reviews me coming every night, and I just came. - You just like, f*cking say, "Hey, why don't we watch "some f*cking graphic pornography tonight, and have sex?" He's like, "All right, cool, that's a good idea." And you just put that train kit on. Maybe the third night that you're doing it. It's like, "Oh, I like trains, too." - Just to test the waters a little bit. - She's like, "Oh, what the hell's wrong with you?" "Oh, I was just kidding." - How long have you been married? - 10 years, we've been together for about 13. - Okay, so let me ask you a question. At what stage in the marriage, if she was like, because I'm assuming there comes an age where you're like, "F*ck it, is that your thing?" 'Cause it's too late to get a divorce, and let's just, we'd like hanging out together. So what if she was like, "You know what?" Whatever weird thing. You know what I really like? I like it when dudes who are like 80 years old, jizz in my eye. - Great question. - And so I won an infection. - Right question. - Are you like, "You know what, that's fine. "I don't give a f*ck anymore." - Well, so here's where I feel that I got lucky, is as your relationship, 'cause you're dead right, like when you get older and you've been together for a long time, you start to go, "All right, what are you?" - Who f*ck cares? - Yeah, who cares, who cares, right? So luckily everything's synced up, and it's been great. But when I was watching that Tom Brady roast the other night, or, no, I'm sorry, Nikki Glaser just dropped a special. - Yes. - And I just watched it. It was like two nights ago, and it was awesome, but there was a 15 minute bit she did, where she's been with this guy for 10 years, and she tells him that she's into gang banks. And that she wants 10 people in the room, and then he does this f*cking gang bank thing. Bro, in my mind, it was a hilarious bit, and it's a great special. - Yeah. - I couldn't do it, because then it would haunt my dreams forever of like, were you f*cking gang banks, like in college over and over again? Like, what was it that, 'cause that's not something you just turned in. - No, and that's something that's happened before that then, or you've evolved gradually to gang bank. - Or was that your thing in your 20s, where you're just like, "Hey, dude," and now you're trying to be a normal person, and have a normal, monogamous relationship, you get married to have kids, but this gang bank lingers over you, and you're like, "Well, shit." It happened on a cruise, we did a drinking bro's cruise, and it was, what, three or four nights? How long were we out there? - No, it was six. - Was it really? - Yeah. - Jesus Christ. Anyways, 500 listeners, and Jared, or the color of the song here, he said he wanted to swing on the cruise ship, and one of the couples that he ended up swinging with, like, ruined their marriage. That's the thing, like, I think, here, I'm not at that age now. - I'm gonna let it ruin your marriage. - I'm not at the-- - Well, because you don't-- - You don't know. - You're not being honest with yourself. - Yeah. - I'm at an age right now, where that wouldn't be okay, but look, if I got older, and my wife, your mom, and the person that I am right or die with, was like, you know what I would like to do before I die? Before I leave this earth, you know something I've never done, and if I would be like, "Yeah, dude, you should do that on your one life." I truly believe that. It doesn't have anything to do with how you feel about me. - That's what he always says about that. - It doesn't have anything to do with how you feel about me, but since you were 20, you've wanted to have sex with a one-armed Italian midget. You should do that before you die. - I'll find the midget and cut his goddamn arm off too, honey. - Yeah, dude, that's what-- - Or whatever, we can find a one-armed guy too, but I'm just saying-- - Find a one-armed guy and make him a midget. - If you said to me-- - Well, that might be difficult. - If you'd said to me though, you know, I like hanging out with this dude and talking to him, I'd like to spend two weeks just going on vacation, that sounds like you want to hang out with somebody else. - That sounds like an emotional thing. - That's like Bill Gates said for 40 years. - Bill Gates said for 40 years. - That's right, that's right. - He was allowed, what was it, two weeks with his ex-girlfriend? - Two weeks a year, yeah. - See, that's for 40 years. - They went on vacation. They went to Lake Como for two weeks a year. - That's, I'm not in for that. But if you've had a thing, yo dude, we all get one ride on this rock. So, just because you're married to me means you don't get to do these three things that you've always wanted to do. - Oh, now it's three things. - Well, what did he do? - Yeah, right? (laughing) - It sounds like this conversation is what I had already. - It's a slippery slope. - You know what I mean? But do you know what I mean? So for me, like, I'm not at that age now, but I think a couple of years from now, honestly, if your mom was like, and she's not this person. - She's zero this person. - But if she was like, I've always wanted to do this. - I love her, I know it has nothing to do with me. She's just always wanted to try this. I don't, I'm secure enough where it doesn't bother me. - The key is like getting it, so get, like if it's like, so like my wife's bowl, for example, like he's such a loser that I'm not worried about him. Like he doesn't have a job. He just stays at home all day. - I'm sorry, you said your wife's bowl? - Yeah, hold on, can I finish, dude? Okay, no. (laughing) It's so rude. (laughing) - My wife's bowl is like a huge loser. He stays at home all day. He doesn't have a job. He just stays at home with my wife all day. Like I basically have to like pay for, I'm basically his boss. Like I pay for his stuff and his landlord. Like this guy's pathetic. Like I go to work all day. He just sits around doing God knows what. - Sure. - Like I'm not threatened by that type of guy. You know what I mean? - Well, I mean, it kind of sounds like you're paying to do to fuck your wife. - Yeah, I was just gonna say, did you listen to a word of this? (laughing) - That's some loser hotel that I have to support. Like God, I should be sainted for this. - But do you get the fucker afterwards? - Well, we-- - If he's got energy at the end of the day, yeah. - Yeah, a lot of times like she's tired from other stuff. I like she takes care of the house and stuff like that. - Yeah, but she's tired from the bowl too. Like the bowl is also-- - I was gonna say she's tired from that. - He didn't even do anything. I mean, he fucks her. Yeah, because he's her bowl. But like, dude, this guy's a loser. This guy's a loser. Just trust me. I'm not explaining it well. - I also feel like this might be like, it might be like a cake for him to think that like, oh, there's just this loser fucking my wife. - And that's how he gets off. - That's what I'm saying. - That's what I'm saying. - Yeah, yeah. - That's what's basically a slave. Like, I have a slave who fucks my wife. - I think we should bring slavery back. - I don't-- (laughing) - Just do it right this time. - The straight face you said that went. - Well, he doesn't mean it by race. - No, no, no, no, no, no, no. - Race is the dumbest people to-- - Wait a second. - Oh, that's the only thing you have to do. That doesn't make a sense. - Like people with these slaves this time around. - Yeah. - I actually-- - There were a lot of white slaves back of the day, actually, about 1.3 million. - Hello, Jews. - Yeah. (laughing) - Well, you guys are-- - I mean, we were the OGs. - Yeah. - You know? (laughing) - Were you kidding, dude? Yeah, I also have a theory, by the way, 'cause you're a tall Jew. This is not a lot of people. He's gotta be, if we're starting, like an Israeli basketball team, you gotta be the five, I would think. - I'm the five? - No. - What's his name? - What's his name? - Gary Goldman? - No, there's a guy who-- - I'm the three? - I think I'm a three. - Who's that white dude that won the slam dunk competition? Wasn't he Jewish? - Oh, Mac McClung. - No, no, no. - He's like in the 90s. - Barry. - Barry, yeah, Barry. - No, no, the Barrys weren't. - I thought Barry-- - Did Barry shoot-- - Did Barry shoot Rick Barry? - Rick Barry to the underhand. - No, but the kid won the slam dunk contest. - Yeah, but he wasn't Jewish. - I thought that the Jewish-- - Is Barry not Jewish? - Maybe not. - Okay, maybe not. - That's pretty. - Rick Barry feels very waspy. - He looks waspy, he looks as well, but for some reason in my brain, I thought he was a Jew. - Yeah. - Maybe not. - You know what's funny, and by the way, not a real popular time to be a Jew. - Oh, I always thought you were gonna say from the river to the sea. - Yeah. - You were teeing it up. - Not the most popular time that I can remember being a Jew. I get more, I mean, there were at least, there were less popular times. - That's true. - I can name one. - Yeah, I can name a couple, maybe 38 and 45. (laughing) - Was it the best thing? - Yeah, it was dicey. - Whatever year the pyramids were built. - I think that was aliens. I don't think the Jews, I ain't doing anything. - Sam, it's all aliens. - I'm more in for the aliens. - That whole man's there. - That whole man's there. - And also, yeah, I'm not in for them being able to push that big of blocks up with whatever they did. - It was like a thousand years after the pyramids were built. - For sure, I'm just saying, I don't believe any of that. - So the period of Israeli slavery was during Moses, and they did build quite a few structures. It wasn't all the pyramids in shape. - But if you know anything about Jews, building structures not exactly our strong point. That's not, if you were like, "Hey, dude, I need to build this," you wouldn't be like, "Well, let's get some Jews." You would be like, "Where are the Mexicans?" - Go to Home Depot. - Maybe, I don't know, I mean, Jesus was a carpenter, probably not a good one. - Well, did you ever, yeah, you didn't hear about him ever building anything? - Yeah, you don't hear shit about his carpenter. - No, no, you really don't. - They all actually, they mentioned it once, just to put it out there, and that's fucking it. - Harrison Ford, oh, he was a carpenter. Cool man, what did he build? I don't know. - I sent my mediocre acting career. - What do you all take it easy? (laughing) - One of the best. - To take it, dude, fucking easy. - Also, I will say, I saw, I was watching a movie, I don't remember what it was, with my mom. And the dude is the weirdest on-screen kisser of all time. Have you ever like- - Man, I get it on-screen. - Dude, he just smooshes his face under the other person. - That's 1950s kissing, though. - That's right. - That's how he used to be back in the day. - He did it, and that's fucking last Star Wars movie he was in. - Do you have a pic? What's that pic on the far right, Bob? - I mean, he's married to Callist of Flockhart. She doesn't have any lips. - That's true. - He, this guy, by the way- - Oh, look at that. - Yeah. - For sure. - It is weird. - What's up with the weird piercing? Look at the ear piercing for sure, 80 year old Harrison Ford still fucks. - Oh, yeah. - Oh, 100%. - Do you know what his ear piercing is? - Why he got his ear pierced, Bob, tell him. - He got shit face with Jimmy Buffet. (laughs) And Jimmy Buffet had an ear piercing, and then he pierced his ear. - Jacob, tell me that doesn't look like Uncle Steve. Uncle Steve wishes. Are you kidding? That looks exactly like Uncle Steve. - Zero. - Do you remember the black guy from 60 Minutes? - He looks like Uncle Steve, too. - No, Ed Bradley was with him, too. And Ed Bradley had a piercing as well. - I do remember that. - And so they was like, oh, is everybody doing this? I'll fucking do it, you know? - He looks like he's dressed like a carpenter. - Yeah, but he's not Jesus. - I do like that. - That's two different stories. - Didn't he crash of the plane on a golf course? - Oh, yeah. - I like this dude, man. You can't say anything. - Here's some Ford fucks. - Hey, fucks. - Are you sure? - He gets super high. - You know, he's not doing his going on the view talking about politics like De Niro. - Yeah. - Just be a dude, man. - Check the fuck up. - Why are we doing it? - Also, that late in the life, like, who gives a fuck? - Like, just keep doing 12 seconds. - Yeah. - Go enjoy the last fucking minute of your life. - Just keep banging the 25-year-old. - Oh, man. - Like, that seems to be doing great. - Well, technically, she was 27. Let's be fair. - Yeah, sure. It's true. - Now, he's 83, right? - But you still gotta be interested. I just, here's, I'm gonna be honest. At 83, I don't know if I'm gonna be interested in fucking, and I definitely don't think I'm gonna wanna fuck somebody who's 25. There's gonna be a pacing difference. And I wouldn't mind looking at a 25-year-old body when I'm, but I don't wanna be mashed up against with that loose skin. - I also, I'm confused at 85. Why would you want a newborn child? - No, dude. - That's what I'm saying. It's like, that's just one thing I hear what you're saying. But the last thing on my mind is, like, I should have a kid when I have five minutes left. - Well, it's Hollywood. He's probably gonna harvest the organs. - That's the idea. I think he's gonna drink their blood. - He could, but did you hear the Pacino's one? 'Cause Pacino just had a kid, too. And he's 83. - Wait, wait, wait. - With him, he got that thing fucking tested. And he was convinced. - Wait a minute, he got his nuts tested? - No, no, he got the kid. He got the paternity. - 'Cause he was convinced it wasn't his. - Convinced it wasn't his, 'cause he goes, "I'm 80 fucking two years old. There's no way I should be able to have a child at this point." - Is it Pacino, didn't I go to school with that girl whose mom married Pacino for a little while? You went to school with the woman who dated Pacino, and his daughter. - Lucilla Pollock. - And his daughter dated her daughter, her daughter dated DiCaprio. - Her name's Camilla. - Camilla. - We were, Camilla, I can't remember her last name, but Camilla and I were boyfriend, girlfriend, and kindergarten. Like, we went to school together. And my mom, she goes, "You're not gonna believe it." And sends me a video and I was like, "Is this a TMZ video of Camilla and DiCaprio?" And she goes, "Yeah." And then a year later, they broke up because she was out of the age range. - Yeah, that was it. - That was it. Camilla Moroni. - Yeah, how do you go, how does this dude stay skinny fat? He's not skinny fat for his whole-- - You talking about Leo? - Yeah, yeah. - How does he stay skinny fat? He never, he never got it. He never was like, "Maybe I should work out." - Just a lot. - He didn't need to. All he needed was his face. - He didn't need to. - He went skinny arm. He's like, he shaped like a King of the Hill character. - Like Dale Grubble, yeah. - Yeah, just skinny arm, big belly. And this dude just, no. Have you seen him in real life? - I've seen him twice in real life. - The shocking thing about him in real life is he's got a huge head, like the size of a basketball. - Like Ben Affleck. - Yeah, if you look, if you look really closely, you can see other smaller heads orbiting around it. - Is it like a Peyton Manning sized head or like-- - It's bigger. - It's bigger. - It's bigger. - Manning's in real life is shocking because the forehead, it's just so much forehead. - Yes. - But the head itself-- - It's almost like a Down syndrome type of thing with Peyton. - Whereas DiCaprio is just, it's like a fucking Thanksgiving. - Have you seen Ben Affleck? - Yeah. - That's the biggest human head. - Dude, that is ever, it floats around. - And there's something about it that looks good on a movie screen and like, dude, all the best have huge heads. - Huge heads. - There was no small headed act. There was a kid I went to school with. I can't remember his last name, but we ended up calling him Nick the Dome 'cause we played football, bro had to, they literally had to outsource to get him a custom made helmet. Has he ever saw a make? It was like a four XL with the pads on the inside. - There was always one in the team, dude, yeah. - It was crazy. - My forehead is like, you took your hat off. - Look at you. - Look at this forehead. - Yeah. - What's up, Doc Brown? - Yeah. - You do got a bit of a Doc Brown. - 21,000 jiggle watch. (laughing) - Well, I mean, Jacob, tell him how I cut my hair. - Well, put your hat on. - Will you get a flowbie? - No, he puts his hat on. Put your hat on. - This is a great look, dude. (laughing) - I wanna ask that. - Wait, Dad, give a profile real quick. Turn, no, other way, other way, other way. Okay, ready, I'm gonna show you. You see how it flows over, but there's a huge gap, like right under where the end of his hair is? - Uh-huh. - So he puts his hat on, that's where his hat rests, and then he just trims the outside of the hat. - Smart. - So that's what the top of the hat-- - That's what the top of the hair is. But then this is all cleaned up. - Smart. - You have like a Scooby-Doo villain, like ghost hair. Like it's like-- - I mean, that's like Mo from the Three Stooges, right? - Yeah, it's like a ball cut, it's like a ball cut. - Oh, no, okay, got it. My wife is like, so now she'll say, if we're gonna have sexy, I gotta have your hat on, because the top of your hair-- - What? - She's like the top of your hair so crazy. - Why don't you put it in the corner? - When I look at you and you're on top of me, I'm like, this is not sexy at all. - She's like dialing the police. - So pretty. (laughing) - So I gotta, I wear the hat now, you never had lost it. - In bed? - Straight porn shit, you know the guy would come over, he'd just turn his hat around backwards? - No fun. - Well, do you feel like Sylvester Stallone and over the top when you turn around backwards, though? (laughing) - I fuck, there's shit, if there's not an over the top porn parody-- - Yeah, there's gotta be this guy out here. - I mean, he did porn. - There's a parody of everything. - He did porn, so. - The rumor is that's where Italian styling came from. - Show him his dick, Bob. - We've shown-- - Show him what it sounds like a game show thing. - What a crazy joke. - It's like the craziest Steve Harvey show. - Show him his dick. - Show him his dick, we've shown it on the show before. If you wanna see his own face-- - Wait, is that Sylvester Stallone? - Oh yeah, he did. - He did softcore porn. - That is Stallone. - Ooh. - That is Stallone's, okay, I'll get to do it. - I like to look at this, I have this picture on a wall in my house and I stand, it's a form of meditation for me. I stand in front of it and just make Stallone noises. - It just sounds like he's going, "Hey, ooh, can you put that picture back on the alphabet?" - It's the alphabet. - It's the alphabet. - Okay, so first of all, here's a couple things, first, I'm glad that the bell palsy still was going with the lip. - Yeah. - I love this, but this, he looks like he was auditioning for the Sex Pistols movie where he's Johnny Rott. - I mean, this is Sylvester Stallone's 60s. - Can you hear me? - Can you hear me? - So the audience can see, so we don't see this girl's sprite legs. - This is heroin. - I mean, you've already put it up. - This is heroin. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, for sure. - This is, I was gonna say, this is straight cocaine diet. - The lie are his nipples so far apart and pointing the other way. - And different sizes. He's got chameleon nipples. - This doesn't look why are his nipples. - They may not have been real. - Yeah, but that guy went on to be a billionaire, essentially, so it's possible. - Yeah, anything is possible. - Oh, man, this is his balls. So that's his balls. So he's got a bag on him. - He looks like he's got De Niro balls at like 83-year-old. Like, why-- - No, he's Italian. - Is it Italian? - You are familiar with Italian. - That nutsack, that, I feel like that's where the original prosciutto came from. - Yeah, look at that. - That is, that is Stallone. Is that him or her? - Is that her? - Is that her? - That's her, right? - Yeah, I think that's her. - That bums me out that if that was his ass. - Yeah, I was gonna say. - Show him his dick, that way, 'cause I don't want you to leave here without seeing it. There you go. 'Cause I know you're curious at this point, John. - But see, now his nipples look closer together. - Yeah, 'cause he's not arching his back. - He's not arching, he's not doing flies. - I'm glad, it's nice to see that he trimmed it up in the 70s, it didn't go full, but he trimmed it up a little in the 70s. - And he's got 70s. - Yeah, but he didn't have two in the 70s there. Do you remember that thing I told you about? - He put a Clipper on a four. - Dude, those 80s Playboy magazines were more bush than women. - And he's got some cum gutters in the work there too. I mean, he's ripped like fucking rocky too, or I'm sorry, Rambo too is where he really got fucking tuned up, right? - Yeah. - Rambo, yeah, after the second one. - So this was pre-steroids. You gotta think two inches are gone now, obviously, but you know, it's worth it. - And the sack, I'm not sure if the dick gets smaller, right? - It does. - The dick gets smaller, yeah. - It's shuttin' if you do it correctly, but in the 70s, I doubt they were doing it correctly. - In the 70s and the 80s, look at Rocky IV. - They're not what I was. - When he was, oh, Rocky III and IV, he was the most juiced. - Just look at Hulk Hogan in his tights in the 80s. You're like, oh, there's not a dick there. - I know. - There's zero dick, he's tucking. It's like, yeah, it was a zero dick. Guys, I don't know how old are you guys but I'm 43. - I'm 43. - I might be in the best shape in my life, 33, this is my job. - I just had to fuck on it. - I might be in the best shape in my life, right? - No, I know. I saw you in a photo online. I was like, Jesus Christ, you're shredded. - I might be in the best shape. - From doing what? - I-- - He's a psycho in the gym, that's what it is. - I am. - I am. - Okay, so he doesn't work out like this anymore, but all, like, a lot of time growing up, he was like, hey, I'm going to the gym. Do you want to come up? I'd be like, fuck no. And he would ask, why? I hate the way you work out, this dude used to walk into the gym, pick somebody out and say, I don't like your face, I don't like the shorts you're wearing, I don't like your headphones. - My motivation. - And he would say, oh, they're saying something about me about how I can't lift this and would make himself angry to a point where people would walk over to him and be like, hey man, we got a fucking issue? And he'd be like, no, no. - Really? - It would just kind of pump me up. - He's a psycho. - That's what Jordan did. - It would pump me up. I would be like, I hate that dude. - Yeah, except Jordan made his own teammates. - Yeah, well, dude, it's easy to find some people playing a fitness I made make believe beef out of. But yeah, you never did it, did you ever do it with someone who was like much bigger than you? - It didn't matter to me 'cause I wasn't saying anything to him. It was like their shorts or if they were singing out loud at the gym or if I saw somebody talking on the phone, I was like, that's the person I'm gonna hate today. - Well, see, I hate that. - And if I ever needed a bit of like motivation, I would look over at that dude's stupid fucking shorts or his dick hanging out of his pants. And I'd be like, you know what? I, this is what I need today for motivation. - Wow, dude, that's dark. - Yeah, he's a psycho. - He doesn't do it anymore, I don't think. You know, he just has a psychotic trainer who, what is she, what's her action? - She's ex, she was a Cirque du Soleil performer. But she's European, so she's just cuckoo. - They're all fucked up. - Then she's fucking crazy. - If I make a noise in the gym, she laughs at me. She's like, this is silly in the little noise. I'm like, and she does that laugh and she knows it bothers the fuck out of me. And it just makes me so mad and she laughs even more. But she's psychotic dude. - Those Cirque du Soleil performers are psychotic because you were on the road all the time. If you miss, you miss and you die. A lot of them end up killing themselves. - Or trying to get injuries. - Or they're on drugs because they're trying to stay up and focus in. So a lot of them do meth, like, oh dude, there's a, they should do a doc on Cirque du Soleil. - Yeah, like that one they did about the killer whales and captivity, but for Cirque du Soleil. - Yeah, but for Cirque du Soleil, it's the same thing. - And none of them can leave because they're making so much money that they're like, cool man, you want to leave? You'll never make this much money again. - It's not even that they're making that much money. - No, to them. - In that profession, that's where else are you going to make money doing that? - Well, on the Vegas strip. - That's it. - And then a Brown Spider-Man costume. - By the way, you're not, you're staining on it. - You're staining on it. - I'm actually funny about a Brown Spider-Man costume. I used to, like, I worked in Hollywood. I worked, like, on Hollywood Boulevard doing film festivals and whatnot. And we used to get there at 6 a.m. when all of the, you know, personalities were, like, coked out, Mickey would show up or, like, Brown suits, Brown suits Spider-Man. - Yeah. - And I remember walking down Hollywood Boulevard going to our production office and Brown suits Spider-Man comes up and puts his arm around me with his Jansport backpack. - Oh, no. - And I go, "Hey, man, don't fucking touch me." And he's like, "What's your problem?" I go, "One, I live here." So that, two, I don't know where the fuck your Brown Spider-Man suit has been, so don't touch me. We threw hands. - Blood coming. - Did I tell you I threw hands with a Brown suits Spider-Man? - Brown suits Spider-Man, dude. - Bro, he was like, you're being a dick. And I'm like, and you're, for sure, a nice character. - Brown suits Spider-Man, yeah. - I may see his characters fight on Hollywood Boulevard all the time. Were you? - They fight, you know what they hate? - I was going to work. I was like, dude, I'm going to work. It's 6 a.m. Do not fucking touch me or talk to me. And I had to have my PAs. My people pull me off, like, pull me away. 'Cause I was throwing hands with you. And I was like, bro, we're not, I'm not, I'm not playing with you. - You know what they don't like? - They don't like Spongebabs. Spongebabs gets in a lot of fights out there. - Yeah, 'cause Spongebabs only pulls the most people. - There was a Johnny Depp who fucked somebody up one time, and the Pirates of the Caribbean costume. - That checks out, though. - Yeah, that checks out, I think. - It's so amazing, dude, to see them fight like Iron Man's, fighting Spidey, it's such a good-- - The Chewbacca, dude, I once walked by and saw Chewbacca and there's a video online of Spongebabs getting the shit beat out of him, which is so, and somebody put him laughing, giggling audio over it. It's so awesome. - It would be kind of funny to get a Patrick costume and show off and just beat the shit out of Spongebabs. - Or Squidward would make more sense, 'cause-- - Just for the lulls, right? - But Squidward might be a fun day. - That might be a fun day. - It might be a fun day. - For 20 years. - That's true, yeah. - Now's the point of the show where you get to the drinking bro of the week, which is someone who has inspired you, helps you become the person you are today. - Josh, you've already done it, so we'll have you, who would you like to give the drinking bro of the week to? - I mean, this is gonna be probably a little cliche, but I'll be able to straight to him. - There it is. - Absolutely. I mean, I would-- - With the camera on him. - Yeah, I mean, for sure, I would not be in this position at any point in my life without, you know, riding Joshua's coattails, so-- - I wanna say something about that. First of all, I travel with Jacob and I just wanna tell you, you're right. (laughing) - No, I wanna say this for real, man. People talk about it all the time. You know, nippo, nippo. I have a couple of things to say about that. First, who else should I give the opportunity to? Are you telling me I should give this opportunity to a stranger and somebody that I don't? - Probably a trans person of color, yeah. - Yeah, I do, who identifies as a wrench, right? - So like, who else am I, of course. And I want the, what we want for our kids is for their lives to be better every step of the way that ours were. There's no, and so who else am I gonna give this opportunity to, but let me tell you all this who think that what is happening for him is so easy. On one hand, yes, dude, he starts on third base. He's not doing open mics where nobody knows who he is. He walks onto in front of a warm crowd every fucking night and he gets more, he's playing in front of home games. There's no away games, okay? These are all truthfully way easier. But you know what, something he doesn't get to do that every other comic, including myself, got to do, develop an anonymity. People expect him to be way better than, he's only been doing center for a year. People expect him to be way better than he could possibly be at this point. And he doesn't get to suck in private. He sucks in front of my entire audience. - He's the brawny James of comedy. - It's, dude, so it's not as easy, right? It's not as easy, like there's some things that are easy, but there's some things, look, right away, there are people who are going to be like, "Oh, he's not funny." And as soon as you say somebody's not funny in your head, you're not going to see them again. There's no, you don't give them the chance to grow. So he's, this a man, definitely some pluses. He get, I pay for shit, you know, four days a week out of his entire life. So, and he gets to be in front of great audiences, but he's putting the work in, man. - And it's so much fun. - Well, let's say what, if you're a father out there and you have a son or a daughter and you don't think that this is going to be your dream in life, I can promise you it is. - It is. - And as the years take away from Mike, as my oldest has turned 10, I'm already looking at old shit. I've got eight more years left with him. And then hopefully he'll want to come back and hang out later. - Yes. - But you're not in control of that. - No. - Whereas you guys are, and I think that's the most amazing thing there is. So, the net bow shit, fuck right off. Wait until your kids get older. - Exactly. - And come back and tell the same story. - Yeah, exactly. - Yeah. - And we do a podcast together called Hey Man. And I'll tell you, it is such a wide ranging, fuck, it's my favorite thing I've ever done. But I will tell you the benefit in Loki on a completely serious note. The benefit and the thing that I get the most out of the podcast is we'll do meet and greets. And he gets this from teenagers, but I get it from fathers who will come up and full hug me, you know, not this hug, the dick to dick. - Yeah, no, yeah. - You know, that's a real-- - Skin to skin. - That's a tip to tip hug. - Yeah. - And I had one dude in New Zealand, he hugged me and he was, I could feel him shaking. And I was like, what's going on dude, you okay? And he said, I just wanna let you know 'cause his son was talking to Jacob. He said, this is, my son's 25. He's never asked me to do anything with him before. This is the first thing he's ever asked me and I just wanna thank you and your son. You guys have started to heal our relationship. We listen to your content together. And he gets that from teenagers, thank you. My dad and I have never done anything together. How thank you so much for showing us that it's possible to have this relationship. Dude, for me, and I know this sounds corny, I've been doing this a long time, but when you have like a little bit of a purpose, when that shit starts to change, like, oh, I'm actually making a little bit of a difference in a way that's important to me. You do it, it changes the whole fucking game. - That's how being a man works. - Yep, I think so, right? - No, we say it all the time on the show, yeah. We say it all the time on the show for real. Dead serious. - Speaking of all that, you guys are, this show will go out Sunday so they won't see this, but you're at Cap City this weekend. Then you're at Chemels Club in Vegas. - Every Monday night. - Every Monday. - Every Monday. - In Vegas. - Okay, great. - And then you're at Bricktown Comedy Club in Oklahoma City Thursday, the May 30th through the 1st of June. - And Friday night guys, late shows, I do between 2.5 and 3 grams of mushrooms and go on stage. - So go to the late shows where you see them. - Late show Friday is definitely, every time I fucked up when you saw me. - Oh yeah, it was good though. You played the guitar in June? - Yeah, every time I go on stage or for the late night, for the late show, I always tell people I go, hey, if you have a babysitter, you should probably call them. Because there was one time, they turn off the AC on it. - Dude, they gave him a light. - Holy shit. - He did not eat the light. They dropped checks, nothing. They sat, everybody in the audience, they turned off the AC, everybody in the audience was a packed out room. - Everybody stay. - Yeah, what do they want to not make money? - No, they keep selling booze, they'll fuck, yeah. - Dude, they dropped the checks and he was up on stage for 45 more minutes and not a single person left that spot. And everybody, I could see people wiping sweat and like, fanning, but nobody left. - I'm telling you, I'm at the top of as far as my powers as a comic, I'm at the top. I was gonna tell you about this. You mentioned the guitar? I wrote my most favorite song of all time. It's without a doubt, the best song I've ever written. I can't wait to play it the entire show. It is a fucking, sometimes when he's on mushrooms, he thinks about it so much that he stops the set and goes, guys, I'm so sorry. I've been thinking about this song for a long time and he'll play the song at the beginning of the set and then get to when he plays music. Forgot that he played it already and played it again. - I closed, I did that in Denver. - I was so high. - Somebody came out during the day. - Denver's got a good mushrooms though. - They were singing along to the song and I was like, this song is fucking making its rounds. I'm crushing it. - They came up to me in the meet and greet. They go, you know, your dad sang that song twice, right? And I was high too and I go, that's why everybody was singing along. I was so confused. - Well, look, that's the beauty of time travel, folks. - It sure is. - Thank you. - It sure is. Tell everybody where they can find you on social media. - @joshwolfcomedy, across the board. Hey, man podcast, man is with three A's. It's a fucking great time. We talk about real shit, ridiculous shit. We have people on. We just had Bonnie on and she had some great stories about her childhood. It's a great podcast. Check it out. - Bonnie, you mean Homeboy's wife? - Yeah, yeah. - Sweet. - Jacob, where can they find you? - Jake Under School Wolf on Instagram. It's Jake Wolf on TikTok and yeah. Hey, man podcast, new episodes every Tuesday, man. Go check it out. It's a whole bunch of fun for him and I. - I'm super proud of you, dude. - Appreciate you, man. - Okay. - Yeah. - You love ya. (laughing) - Don't I do drink the show's five star and leave a quick review. Also, I don't know what it's about. It's just a five star. - It was great time. - I love the way. (laughing) - For Disney, Anthony, I am Ron Ferguson. This is the Jacob Rose podcast. Good night, everyone. - Woo. (rock music) (rock music) (rock music) (rock music) (rock music) (rock music) (upbeat music)
