We Are Douchebags
Pave Accidentally Admits to his Secret Addiction and CJ is a Horrible Man; Andre is Neutral
Hello listeners, in this episode, Pave gets shit on for 25 minutes as he questions whether or not the show is worth staying in. As he is being replaced, that means he gets to edit whatever he wants now, so enjoy. ♪♪♪♪ It's true. Welcome to We Are News Bags, the show of You Are News Bags. I'm your host CJ Sclue, my gender pronouns are they/them, and identify as race, gender, and disappearance fluid. Hello, my name is Pave as in Pavement, my gender pronouns are Con Creek as I'm Rockhart, and I still have some more vacation hours to use. I'm Andre, my pronouns are that nigga, and I identify as a water bottle. It's always a drink with you, something like that. I know, that's what I said last week. Yeah, I can tell you're thirsty. Fucking bastard. This master hasn't been giving him enough water. Who would that be? Me. Your your own master? No. I know. If he's pushing you around to do his chores and shit. He's exactly opposite. I actually believe Pave, because he's way fucking bigger than you. Yeah, but he doesn't like to argue. He doesn't like to argue, that's weird. That's adorable, he's just a gentle, giant fucking man. W. Arkansas. W. Arkansas. Why didn't you get his jeans? Imagine how much more powerful you'd be. I'm a lot more powerful in this state. My mind is forever expanding. You feel like a senior monk, dude? What do you mean? Yeah, but the thing is that he has like that black magic build. So he makes up literally a witch. Literally a warlock. Yeah, you're going to get put on the cross and burn a lie by the entire video. I'm just going to curse you. You're going to shrink the fucking head before the black magic. That's like a blessing, not a curse. I don't know what you're talking about. I think I think I would enjoy that a lot better. You'd be able to walk finally. The fucking mowadock. He's been in a wheelchair his entire life because his head is too big. He's buckled in a watch out. It's very funny coming through. He's like the fucking real life version of pops from regular show. God, just as retarded to literal air head. I don't know what's all about this negative energy towards me. I've done anything wrong. Well, I don't know. How about this? Why don't you tell us what we talked about last week? It's just like glazing me the entire episode. It was a pretty boring episode, by the way. I don't blame anybody that decides to skip it. Honestly, that was one of my favorite episodes to listen back to. I thought it was so funny because I fucking carried the whole thing. Of course, I came in with the singers. We made a fucking freestyle rap about you. Yeah, that took fucking too long. I lifted it all in, by the way, unedited, just so everyone can hear that I really enjoyed it. I think she literally wrote an entire rap about her and you. Then how disappointed she is listening to it. That was one of the worst performances in the world. So, why don't you go ahead and tell us why you weren't here last week? What's your fucking excuse this time? I can say it since it's targeted towards me. I don't know why you want to talk so much, Andre. Oh, he's finally fucking talking about me. No, you're right. He's so rude. The reason why I wasn't here was because I was off on a business trip to have to pave some roads. I was paid very well for that. That's why I was gone for the last week because I had to go somewhere else for that. I got stuck in that hallway. Fucking liar. You got stuck there. You tried to run to this computer and it couldn't fucking make it. I don't know. I'm just fucking tired of these stupid fucking excuses. Bro, that shit. Like, we literally, I made sure with you the day before and then you pulled that bullshit on us. That's fine. That wasn't even the day before, Doug. No, no, no. We talked about it, but that's okay. Yeah, so we had an entire episode making fun of you because you deserved it. Why don't you, Andre, what do you hate this week? You hate Pape? Good. I hate it too. I hate the dark side out of me. Yeah, these are the gray side, if you will. No, like, the dark gray. Okay, that makes me want to kill me. That was kind of funny. But, Pape. But. Since you weren't fucking here last week and you ditched last minute and you're coming with bullshit excuses, why the fuck don't you, you gotta come up with two reasons, two things you hate this week. Why do you gotta be such an asshole? Why do you have to bring this up? I literally told you, like, before the episode even started, like, "Hey, let's keep this on the download. I don't want everyone knowing about my shit, you know." Why do you want to bring it up so bad? Let me ask you that. Dude, I... Look. Okay, listen, fucking, I should shut up. I fucking, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Okay, you want to be... Okay, you know, you want to have to tell everybody. You didn't have to tell everybody. I was, I was fucking with you and you get on. I don't... Look, I get you're probably not in the best fucking place right now. I know they, like, you're fucked up, okay? Like, honestly, this, this podcast, it's not going anywhere. The only reason I keep doing it is because I'm trying to fucking help you out and get your mind off shit. Look, you can't get a job. You spend all day just fucking gaming and doing drugs. I know that shit's not good for you. Like, look, honestly, we're going to fucking cut this out. I'm going to go ahead and stop Craig right now because... This shit's... ...actually real, and I don't want to put this on into the public, so I'm stepping to the recording. Look, I'm sorry for, like, fucking being a dickhead to you. Okay, but it... Like, dude, you can't go fucking scaring us like that. Like, what the fuck is wrong with you? Get your shit together. You know, it's... You do know who I get my FENT produced by, right? You know? Like, who's the one that sells to me? I wonder who that could be, you know? You're trying to tell me that I scared you? Who's the one that provided in the first place? You don't have to buy it. You don't have to fucking buy it. You don't have to fucking buy it. It's not like I'm buying it, but more so I'm being paid with it. Hmm, why am I being paid with it? Yeah, okay, I asked you, I asked you how you wanted to be fucking paid, and... Yeah, I told you, I want to be paid in cash, and you said, "Oh, I have other alternatives that are way better than cash." Yeah, you took it, tested on fucking blame. Don't fucking blame me, I'm trying to help you get your money up, not your funny up, bitch ass. I should kill you, you fucking laced my shit, I bought... I should actually kill you, I don't know why I'm not mad, like... Go ahead, I don't give a fuck, bro, I am more dangerous than you. I am more fucking dangerous than you. Yeah, you can hide another piece of shit. Try some shit. Oh, with the funny joke. That's why you OD'd and almost died, pussy. You know, that's going a little too far. Oh, that's going too far? You know, what if I actually did that, then who'd be your editor? The only fucking thing you're good for, you think I'd give a fuck? There's probably a million other people to do it for free. Just hire someone from five dollars. Five bucks, bro, you really think what you do is that valuable? Yeah. So I'm still here. Oh, okay, okay, Mr. fucking hotshot over here. I'm sorry, you know, I listened to your editing too, which was... I would say so far, but that would even be too good. I edited like fucking three things, bro. That shit is not a big deal, at all. And it wasn't that big of a deal, the video at least, it was kind of boring too. I mean, maybe if you put in funny sound effects or like actually put something, some sort of effort. So the funny sound effects that you're speaking of are actually the corniest thing that you do to the fucking show? No, I added Kanye's voice. What do you mean? I make it better. You need to stop! The only corniest voice is the only like good thing that you've ever done for the show. Yeah, but Andrew has done so much. Wouldn't you? Andre, literally, he's here to do not only dodges this pod, but another pod he's a part of. Not even true. Okay, shut the fuck up. We talked about this last week. I don't give a fuck if you OD'd retard. Like, literally, how many times do we have to reschedule the show because of you? Or how much have you missed the show? You're always talking about him fucking bringing up a show that you're not even on, but for this show, we've had to reschedule so many times because of you. Or we have to cut it early because you have to go eat or whatever. Cut it early? Yeah. Did Andre literally leave mid episode one time? Or better yet, didn't we have to reschedule because of you at one point as well, CJ? Okay, but I'm actually like super busy. You know that. You went to Hawaii and you put, you fucking put it down as it was a family issue. What the fuck do you have in Hawaii that's a family issue? A funeral, you faggot? Why do you have a funeral in fucking Hawaii? Because my fucking aunt lived there and her kid died. Bro, I was at my cousin's funeral. He was six years old. You think I wanted to be there? Natural selection. That was insane. Fuck, dude. Here. That was funny, but we said we weren't going to joke about real life shit. Oh, now you don't want to joke about real life shit when it's about you. You're such a fucking hypocrite, CJ. I don't know why the fuck you lived. You lived. You're a fucking grown man. You know how sad he was to be at a six year old's funeral? I'm barely alive, dude. The right side of my face is fucking droopy now. You know how bad that was? You probably looked better than before. I'll take that as a compliment. Okay. Take it however you want, I don't care. Just the point is, you've been such a fucking diva lately and your drug problem isn't helping this shit. The only way I can cope, you know, like I'm part of a failure of a podcast, you know, we can barely crack six listeners. How else am I going to cope with my pain, man? You have a fucking kid you haven't seen in like six months. Maybe if you just went and saw your son. You know, maybe my fucking son got good grades in kindergarten, then I'd see him. Why would I look fucking, look for that disappointment? I don't care about him. You're sorry. You're so throw. You're literally fucking, you're literally Drake. You had a hidden son that we never told anybody about and hear you. The reason we did it is because you're such a shitty dad and I want to make you seem like a bad person because the whole shtick of the show is that I'm supposed to be the dickhead. But you're literally such a fucking piece of shit person. Like bro, go take care of your fucking kid. Nah, he's all right. He's got a mama. Why would I take care of me, be a waste of my time? Andre knows what it's like to grow up a father. Yeah. So he could probably tell you better than I do about how fucked up. Yeah, look at how we... Oh, you know what? You're right. I don't want my son to turn out like Andre. I think you're right. I think I knew you do need to be... He definitely needs to be a good one. He's like you. We need more using that. You know what? I bet that that kid, when you're fucking baby mama finds a new man, that man is going to be a better fucking father than you'd ever be. So he'd be doing my work for me? That's awesome. I don't see the problem in that. Just goes to show how much of a failure you wanted. You couldn't even raise your own spur. Hey, the male. Hey. I still hit though. Yo, you got you beat though. You can't beat that logic. You said you still hit? Yeah, I still hit. I don't think anybody should be proud of hitting that fucking ogre that you call a baby mama Fucking Fiona, bro. Like what the fuck? It was a sore thought. It was the same girl that insulted you at Target. Little did you know. Yeah, it was her the whole time. She was mad because she heard me on the show. Yeah, and so she fucked me in revenge. Yeah, but... Look, so... On the real, bro. Are you gonna, like, actually show up and do your film? Okay, hold up, kid. Hold up. I'm gonna smoke real quick. Oh, my God. He's in smoke crack in the middle of a podcast. Can you fuck? I need a concentrated. I can't light this bowl up if I'm not concentrated. Maybe I'll fucking mute it then. I don't give a fuck. I'm tired of standing by and watching you kill yourself. That was the fakest exhale I've ever heard of. [Laughter] I don't have any fried right now. You're having a fucking die already. I'm gonna see you build a lot of them smoke and paint. You should smoke and drive and I hope you crash because you're a shitty person. No, I'll run instead. I like to go smoke and running and, like, just, like, attack anybody that I see. You bite your faces off. Did we talk about that story where a dude, like, actually ate somebody's face here and said, "You have to know." Um, I remember hearing about it and it was scary because me and my girl were, like, nearby the same place that had happened. Oh, my God. You're such a drama queen. No, like, what happened? What happened? What happened? Did that happen? Oh, my God. Like, away from us. Bro, you're literally, you're literally like those people who are, like, "Oh. I was almost on one of the 9/11 planes." Yeah, I was just gonna say that. That's pretty nice. Or like, you know, I could have been on that 9/11 plane. Anybody could have been on that 9/11 plane. Yeah. Or, like, the people who are like, "Oh, my God. A school got shot up. Oh, my God. What if I went to that school that was 20 miles away and that I was never zoned for?" Yeah, that's my conversation started. I like to tell people that I survived the school shooting. That happened, like, two states away from me. Yeah, I survived Columbine. I just wasn't born yet. It's pretty easy, actually. So brave. It's like a skilled difference. Honestly, you shouldn't have been born at that time. Maybe you could have avoided it. Okay, but, Dave. Yeah. Dead ass. I need to know right now. Are you going to show up? Like, okay. Oh, my fucking God. Are you going out of town again? Are you going on another fucking vacation? Probably. Are you going to be able to record next Friday? Probably not. Unless we do it in person. No, that's a horrible idea. Why not? Because the audio would be shit. No, I wouldn't. Yes, it would. I have my own microphone that I can use. I could just record on my phone. Well, why would we record in person? Well, since you're not going to be here, I actually did make a... a mini spreadsheet. So, I lied to you guys. We do have a spreadsheet this week, but we're only going to be able to do it for like five minutes. Okay. Why even a spreadsheet? Why do I need access again? Dude, you suck at this. I don't need access. Skills. Skills. So, for this week, we're going to be finding a new co-host because I'm fucking tired of paying shit. Um, definitely not the white Sosa. Hold up. I have to read them first. Okay. So, we have from bottom to top and we'll go ahead and get the fucking mystery category out of the way. Uh, Ed Sheeran. Joseph. Hard R. Biden. The Ghost of Sushi. An actual wet rag. Joe Rogan. Mike the Accountant. Nugget slash Ryan Gosling. Kermit the Frog. The White Sosa. Matthew. And for the mystery category this week, we have literally anybody. And I was on a really tight schedule today, so I didn't fucking change any of the numbers from last week. Up across the top for the attributes, we have speech, intellect, reading, math, anger, profit, talkability, racism, funding, inconspicuous, editing, car max, handsome, manipulation, and I am a God. What is car max? Uh, I was thinking about getting a new car. Again? Yeah, why not? They break into the other one again? Lookie. Like I was thinking about that. I was like, fuck. Last time that I was thinking about getting a new car, my other one got stolen, so I really hope I don't put out that same energy. You get stolen again? Yeah. That was a different vibe. Yeah, I'll put out a vibe of I love my car. Mabel's a beautiful car. Why is Nugget next to Ryan Gosling? That's kind of fucked. Uh, because I wanted to put Ryan Gosling on the list and I didn't know where else I could put him. But next to Nugget out of all people, why that cunt? Because I knew it would piss you off. You know that, then, you know, it's not pissing me off that I'm going to be replaced, but it's more, more so like Nugget is a choice. He's the female version of you. That's, that's a false and statement. Unknowing, terminally online, autistic, she's literally you. That's a very hyper specific niche. Literally. Literally. Literally. You just don't like that. She just has more fun facts than you. She's just some more likable personality than you and it makes me mad. Or you just want to fuck her that bad. I want to fuck her? She wants to fuck me. I don't know, dude. Mmm. No. I don't know. She's not on the roster. Who the fuck is the ghost of Sushi? What is that? Oh, uh, my pet fish sushi died a couple weeks ago, so, yeah, that he's on there though. Because he'd probably make a fucking better guest host than Pave. It's only guest. Still talking more than Andre. Oh my god. See, why do you deflect so much? Oh god, it's always on me too. We're talking about everyone. I don't know. I just, I just adorable. I love what happens. You're obsessed with him. Suck his dick on. I'm just, honestly, just being tall. You're a little flirting. Tired or flirting. But that, but when you do it to me, it's not flirting. No, because we genuinely hate you. We genuinely hate you. You're useless. You're useless. You're useless. Show. Why the fuck are you on this show? I don't know. I'm asking you to put you on. I'm asking you to put you on. So I can say if you would do some shit more than fucking drugs. Yeah. So, you saved my life so much providing me with that fen. Right? You really saved my life. Thank you. I was the one who got you to fucking OD. Free, Tired. I was the one who told you to do it. If you're a fucking smart, you'd sell that shit. Yeah. You gave you a brick of fentanyl and you OD set a flippin' it. That's crazy. That's a crazy one. You got it this time though. Okay. Because you do provide some values to the show as little as it may be. I'm letting you pick whoever the fuck you want to be the host next week. Because me and Andre are gonna record because we're not fucking pod dodgers like you. Anybody on this list? Anyone? Anyone. The Ghost of Sushi. Okay. So, easy. Ghost of Sushi is gonna be the editor and fucking host next week. I bet they're gonna do better than pay if ever could. I can't wait. Thank you guys for listening. Yeah. Thank you. Thanks. Pay to get your shit together. I don't know, man. That episode, without me, it was just so bad. So, this is just gonna be one of our best episodes. No, it was literally one of our best episodes. This is gonna be the downhill of weird douchebags and I can't wait for it. I'm gonna be sitting down in the nosebleeds, looking at it with a smile on my face, watching it go down. Okay, whatever. You wanna have some anime ass ending, but in reality, we're gonna blow up in these two weeks that you aren't showing up. I think it's gonna blow as your fucking brains after you find out this podcast is like not worth keeping up. We have eight fucking listeners. What do you think is gonna happen? I let what I just said. You're gonna blow your brains out. Okay, whatever. Bye everybody. Check out our shit. - Yeah, bye. [BLANK_AUDIO]