We Are Douchebags
We Are Douchebags Pride Month Special Part 1
That nigga nigga, nigga, nigga, nigga, nigga, nigga, nigga, nigga, nigga, nigga. Welcome to We Are Doosh Bags, the show where We Are Doosh Bags. I'm your host CJ Spley and my gender pronouns are they, them, and identify as race, gender, and host fluid. Andre? Oh, I thought I was paying him. Yeah, he isn't. What are you doing next? Is he not? He, he is, but we'll get to that. We'll get to that. Okay. All right. We'll get to that. Go ahead and introduce yourself. I'm Andre. My pronouns are that nigga, and identify as cherry flavored sparkling water. And this week, you guys probably know by now, we finally got rid of the dead weight around this podcast. And we are back revamped better than ever. Yes. And this week, we have a shut up. We have a new host and his name is Pavel, go ahead and do your intro, Pavel. Hello, my name is Pavel, my gender pronouns are she/her. I identify as an Oreo today, and I can't wait to be a part of this podcast with you guys. I'm a long-time listener, you know, and I'll be honest, you know, I hate your voice too, but that's okay. Cause I barely hear you on the podcast, man. I was a good one. Baggy. Anyways, anyways, I think Dave was just the old bitch and I'm also glad I get to replace him. Amen. Yeah. I would say that he was the worst part of the show, always complaining, constantly talking about pay. He didn't have the passion for it, but I'm glad that we actually have a fan of the show now who is going to bring the passion that we so desperately needed. Yes. I can't wait. Hey, honestly, editing is going to be such a blessing. I'm glad I'm doing it for free. Yeah. Yes, exactly. Of course. So, why don't you go ahead and tell everybody how we met Pavel? Well, I was on your Instagram, right? And it was after listening to the episode of a pay of getting fired and then these guys didn't upload in a while. So I was like, let me reach out to them though. So I sent him my resume. I sent him a picture of my face. And then I, you know, just talked a little bit about myself where I come from. And then, you know, CJ told me to kill myself at first, but then after realizing no one else would edit for free, he then came back to me. I mean, I wouldn't say that nobody else would edit for free, but you were definitely our best option. I mean, you worked with many big podcasters before. I don't want to say too much, you know, but, you know, Bert Kreischer, you know, he's great to work with. Yeah. I'm sorry. So, after seeing your, your, I can't really say much about it, but if you know, you know, I'll just Google. Yeah, so after seeing your resume, I was very impressed that someone of such high standing would be listening to this shitty fucking podcast. But hopefully the quality actually goes up now. Oh, don't trust me. I'm going to make the editing much more better than before. Like, babe, good. I hope so. I hope so. Like, he's got nothing on me. Trust me. Good. Good. I love the enthusiasm, so I love the enthusiasm, yeah, see, this is what we needed. So I was going to ask you what the interview process was like, but you already kind of went ahead and explained it, you just, you hit me up on Instagram and I asked you a little bit about yourself, told you to kill yourself and you were able to take the heat. You know, you didn't have to leave the kitchen. No, I didn't, you know, I, I'm mostly like, you know, I don't eat bacon because it kind of, this isn't like stomach, but, you know, if I'm cooking bacon and it sizzling and it pops, you know, I'm like, I'll stand there, I'll take it, you know? Yeah. And that's, see, that's relatable. Hey, it was always making fun of me for my stomach issues. And here you are saying you have those same issues. Of course, you know, I'm a, I'm a little tummy trouble trooper is what I call it, you know? All right. That's bars. Okay. I like this guy. And, uh, as you said, you're, you're not expecting any, uh, like compensation or, I don't need it. I don't need your money to be honest. I'm, I'm already set for life to be honest. You know, just retire at like, I'm about to retire at 25, believe it or not. Like, it's only in a few days I'm going to go out on a company, company, a little vacation though before I retire, you know, a little send off. Oh, damn. I mean, yeah, I don't. So once I retire, I could just do this full time, you know, do it for free and not a single penny. Yeah. I'm a huge fan of that. But, uh, I'm just not sure how I feel about someone richer than me being on the, being on the podcast. That's not a big deal, dad. You know, I just went to college at 14 years old and like, it's nothing to be a shaved of. Um, yeah, I suppose it's just, you know, the power dynamic, I wouldn't want it being flipped. Like, I want to make sure that you know your place. Oh, well, I don't, I can't, I eat the money's already in my bank, can't there's not much I could do from there. But I mean, like, as far as the show goes, like, you know that like, I'm top dog around here. Oh, yeah, obviously. Don't worry, CJ. I'm on your knees. I'm on my knees for you. Okay, good. Thank you. What did we, uh, what did we talk about last week? I could interfere with that question there, CJ. You did talk about, uh, the fire pave last episode, I believe. Yeah, we said we were going to, uh, replace him and we were looking for potential replacements. And the winner was Matthew, but, uh, because he's kind of a bum, uh, that didn't end up working out. So. Oh, you asked him? I don't know. You asked him personally. That's better. Oh, yeah. Hey, I, I would agree that I had much, a much of a better candidate than he is. You know, I've never heard of his editing before. I heard his music, you know, the intro. I think it's all right, you know, I'm glad they kind of toned it down, you know, as more the show progress, you know, instead of 10 seconds, it's five seconds. Yes. Of course. Of course. I say you notice that. Of course. Yeah. I tell of weird each bags, I had to study in order to get this job in the first place. Yeah, it was actually a very rigorous process. Very rigorous. So, um, fuck, I forgot to do something. I was going to say instead of, uh, instead of talking about things we hate this week, I was going to have like a list of like facts about gay people that you guys could pick from and you pick your favorite facts, and it was going to be like all homophobic facts, like 70% of gay people have STDs, and I completely forgot to get that, those numbers. Oh, sure. I'm scrambling on Twitter, trying to find them because I saw them earlier, but, uh, but that's okay. Why don't you guys go ahead, both of you and say your favorite thing about gay people. The honestly of gay people, I love how free and proud they are to be themselves. I like how they're not afraid of anything or anyone and I like how funny they are. I don't know about funny. The alcoholic drinks they make. Okay, that's fair. And some of them have swag, like most of them know how to dress. Yeah, like you. Yeah, exactly. Of course. You're the swag gay. Of course you pick out the fucking fashion part of it. What do you mean? You're trying to say I'm a fag, you know, you're trying to say? I'm just trying to say you just like you go to fashion school. It's not really true. But thanks for ever seeing people that go to fashion school. Yeah. What, what do people that go to fashion school look like? Fucking bags of shit. I'm trying to think of something retarded to say like a bag of feathers or something. Well, literally, that's like fucking Katy Perry meets suit or meat dress, whatever the fuck it is. It goes to that links. I saw one wearing nothing but like fucking plastic bags. Oh, okay. Okay, okay. I found it. I found it. Hold up guys. Scratch that. What we just did. We're gonna. So you want me to edit it out? No, no, don't edit it out. Okay. I have my notebook right here so I can write down, you know, timestamps because I'm just that ready CGA. Yeah, I know you seem very, very dedicated already, but go ahead and look at the image I just sent in a discord. Pick your favorite fact about gay people from that picture. This seems a little bit hurtful. What did you say? CGA. I mean, you listen to the show. It's all in good fun, right? Well, yeah, that's fair. I just didn't know it happened that fast. I think I like that the 115 homosexuals is a pedophile. That's a very interesting number. Yeah, that is a very good fact. Look, what about you, Andre? Homosexuals represent 2% of the world's population, but they represent 67% of AIDS patients. Yeah, so. My favorite fact is 58% of homosexuals have problems with intestinal worms. It's a pretty good fact. Is that why you have so much stomach issues, CJ? No, you got one. Okay. No, you basically just said that you're towing the line already, Pavel. Oh, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Yeah, you don't want to get fired already. I thought it was all in good fun, though. It isn't good fun, okay? You should know that immense stomach issues are nothing to be made light of. All right, I'm sorry, I'll look at that on my nose. There's nothing worse than you're telling me, Rudy. Exactly, okay. So now that we're back from that fucking disruption, okay, how about my name? Sorry, I'm just you. You're laughing away from the microphone, what are you doing? I was putting my phone in charge. I accidentally called you Pave, I'm not used to yelling at anybody else besides him. So after going through all of Pave's old personal belongings, like his work belongings, I got back his employee laptop. And I found one spreadsheet that he had made, and I thought it would be perfect for the Pride Month special. So this week, from Pave's personal thoughts, we have a list of hot dudes. Okay, this isn't very much in sync with what the month is. What's wrong with the month? What do you mean? There's nothing wrong, I would say, but it's just, you know, Pride Month. So like, yeah, dude, so I'm Pride Month. So I think that just wasn't a good dude. Pave, are you sure? I was a gay dude. I thought, I think that he was just making it for the theme. I'm pretty sure he's gay. He doesn't come up. He doesn't really come across as gay, he doesn't mean. I mean, I mean, yeah, you didn't really know him, you just kind of listened to the show. You know, I mean, remember he fucked the tranny, but that that was a woman, I thought, you know, trans women are with it, right? No, I don't think that he fucked the dude in the ass. All right. Oh, okay. Hold up a week. Write that down. Okay, so yes, he fucked the male and he was just a little bit fruity. And as you can see here, he had a list of dudes he found very attractive and I guess we have nothing to do, but I mean, yeah, let's start from the bottom, Jared Leto, Michael B. Jordan, Ryan Gosling, John F. Kennedy, Ryan Reynolds, Jordan Barrett, Chris Evans, Henry Cavill, Chris Hemsworth, and at the number one spot, we have Andy Beersack. And there's pictures across the bottom where he has like little hearts next to a couple of the dude's names. I don't think that was just going along with the theme. Pavel. No, he put three hearts with Jordan Barrett. He put three threes of hearts. Yeah. Like I guess he just really loves the Jordan Barrett's work. I don't know. That's very concerning. Trying to write that down. Yeah. And then up, up across the top, we have the attributes for the week, which are speech, intellect, rating, math, mugging, pride, newing, cantal tilt, wiener size, boy, preggers, boy, abortion, protection, handsome, daddy and divorce ability. And in the notes of the laptop, there was a word document that explained what all of the attributes meant. So if you have any questions, I guess I could read off what it says. Where? Oh. Like I have the document. If you have any questions about what any of the attributes mean. Oh, okay. What the... I want to know, what do you mean by boy, preggers and boy, boy, shit? Thank you. I was going to ask you. So boy, preggers, gosh, feels so uncomfortable reading this. Boy, preggers, based on paved notes, is how likely that man is to get you pregnant as another man. And boy, abortion is how likely that man would be to make you get an abortion afterwards, or a boy, abortion afterwards. Oh, okay. Can I ask about some of the dudes? Um, I think, Andre, do you have any other questions about the attributes? Like, you know what protection means? Like how good they were to protect you? That's if they're going to wear a con. Again, it's like a competition. That's what I would have thought. Oh, what is it? That's what I would have thought. But it's just how likely they already use a condom during sex. So the protection aspect is actually what daddy means. Okay. Wait, so they're both the same? It's both. No, no, no, no, the daddy is like how likely they are to like protect you and also be a father. Okay. All right. Yeah. And divorce ability is how likely or how easy it would be for you to marry them and then divorce them and take all their money. We know what a mugging is. Yeah. Yes. How hard they mug. Yeah. We know what mewing is. Obviously, it's if they if they keep up with their mewing routine, can't tell tilt. They do sometimes I don't know what that term means. It's it's whether they have like predator or prey eyes. So like the angle of their eyes. Okay. I know what that means. Yeah. Okay. So. Yeah. You had questions about some of the dudes. Yeah. Okay. What's one of your questions? Who the hell is Andy balls? I'm sorry. Beer sack. Oh, he's I was confused by that too, but he's like in an emo band. Oh, and I guess a bunch of like teenage girls thirsty over him, like in the tumbler days. Okay. He's he's the late singer of Black Veil Brides. I think. Hold on. I think I've listened to them sometimes while I'm at work. I'm looking at a Wikipedia. Yeah. Oh, fuck. Okay. You have even a better taste in music than paid you. He just listened to Glorilla all the time. Well, I'm not I'm not a big fan of that. Of Glorilla. Yeah. It's really hard. Like the job that I do I'm gonna. Well, I used to be an accountant for a really big company firm and as I would be my numbers, I would listen to, you know, my chemical romance, Lincoln Park, Green Day, you know. Oh, yeah. Yo. What the fuck? Okay. Yeah. Listen to this working out. That's horrible. Yeah. I can listen to that. I see this working out really well. You know, bro, it's like more you talk the more that I'm turning prideful toward you, bro. Well, that's not saying that anything too much of I'm not gay. I'm sorry. Well, that's okay. Me neither. It's just like, you know, or you speak the more. The more enticing you are. But any questions about any of the other men? Jordan Barrett. Jordan Barrett is a male model and he was in a bunch of looks maxing names. Okay. Is any like, particularly reason why you think there's so many hearts next his name? Uh, yeah, Pave said that in his journal, he really appreciated how aesthetic he looked and he wanted to look just like, it's gonna be hard for me to do that and I'm being outside of it. I was going to say, hold up, hold up, in his personal journal, he wrote that he was going to shave his skull and jaw and to reduce the size of his head to look closer to Jordan. I wish I'm the best of luck. I don't know if that's medically possible, but I believe it is. And also in his journal, he said that when he mewed, it didn't fix his jawline rather I just made it bigger, making his head appear bigger. So, if that was even possible, if that was possible, I guess it happened. It's a shame he isn't here right now to defend himself. Yeah. That's a shame. All right, you guys want to get into some of the numbers. I mean, it's Pave's spreadsheet. I'll try to defend it from his point of view. I think I kind of get the vibe he was going for, but yeah, you guys go ahead. Since it's a pride month special, I'm going to start off with Mike and me, Jordan. I think his wiener size should go up. His wiener size should go. Okay. Okay. Okay. Well, you think that this is supposed to be accurate in inches, right? So right here in the journal, it says that the number correlates to the inches, which is why there's decimals here. Okay. So he's saying that Michael, he thinks Michael be Jordan is nine inches flat, like on the dot, base to tip. He even provided like the unit or like not the unit, the method of measuring. He said if he said if he was going to measure it, he would grip from the base of the shot all the way to the tip, right, like right above the balls. All right. So he's saying that, that whole thing. Thanks for putting that image in my head. Yeah. I guess you could leave it at nine, like nine is a perfect number in that case. Yeah, I feel like that's probably accurate. Yeah. No. If you're done, I would like to interject. Okay. Yeah. Sure. That's for reading at four, only at four. I'm sorry. I thought he was a well known actor when he have to be reading a lot for that. Oh, yeah, but the thing is he's not very good at reading scripts because he read the script for Thor, love and thunder and he still decided to be in the movie. That's true. I mean, that doesn't have to do so much as reading, but more so intellect. I mean, it's it's ball, it's both, like okay, so that's the problem. Take that as a buddy, but the thing is he's smart for doing it because he was in a shitty movie and still made like a, like hundreds of millions of dollars. So is he smart or is he not? He's smart, but he's not good at reading. Yeah. All right. I guess CJ just have to take your word for it. Yeah. I mean, I'm trying to argue from pace point of view, but like, you know, I think I got what about a four for pride. He was in a movie called love and thunder. That's prideful. Yeah. A rainbow. Oh, that's true. I forgot. I forgot that that movie like wasn't core gay in that movie and there was like an entire plan of gay rocks. Yes, I do believe so. Okay. I didn't watch it. I think I got like fucking 10 minutes into that movie and I turned it off. No, I did. Because I love all the Marvel movies. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh my God. I love the scene where Daredevil comes in and he like absolutely owns her in the courtroom. Wow. Have you ever seen that scene? No. No, I haven't. I would say I might have to deduct a couple points from here. I think instead of okay, so here's what I was thinking, Pavel. The pay is neutral right now, meaning that you're not getting any pay. Yeah. Right. But I think the more stupid shit you say, like you would end up owing me money to like continue staying on the show, so I would have to pay you to be on the show. Yeah, but you're a fan, right? So like it'd be where it would be like paying a Patreon monthly, you know, like you just want me to donate to your shows what you try to tell me. No, no, no, no, no, no. It's like working for me, working for the show, but because you're having such a great opportunity, like it would be like a commission, you know, you know, I like donate to a lot of churches. Right? If you need help, you could just say so. No, no, no, no, no. That's not what it is. It's just. Oh, I get what you're on. I'm on your charity case. Andre. Help. The case. Andre. What's up? Technically, we're providing him a service, aren't we? Yeah. Giving him exposure. Yeah. So I think it's only fair that like we're being nice right now by letting you stay on the show for free, but you know, like if you end up being a nuisance for the show, if you end up being like bad, we're going to exploit you like you, you, you, you would all us financially. And it's like you said, you're well off, right? You're going to retire at the age of 25. Yeah. We're already going to retire at the age of 25, really excited. So it wouldn't even like bug you, right? I guess not, I guess, like, you know, pitching a bid, I guess. Yeah. So I think you just got to be careful because right now you're on the neutral line. Do you see the, the, the chart right here, the Pride and Boy Borsion chart? Yeah. So right now you would be riding along at the zero line, right? If you say like funny shit, like cool shit, right, it would go up and like, that would be like points for you to like stay on the show, right? But then it starts going down where it gets into the negatives. You would have to pay us. You know, the other podcast I was on wasn't much like this, but I like to change a pace. Yeah. I would say that we're very, we're trying to do what you're doing, you know? We're trying to be financially responsible, fiscally responsible. Yeah. So we're trying to make some business moves. Okay. Have you tried, you know, breaching out your product to like other people? Yeah. Of course. I, I put the link in, uh, in the, who's right, discord twice. Well, okay. That should be plenty, I guess. Yeah. So. Like, there's definitely not like five other retards that like post their shitty podcasts to and there. You're right. It's like one. I was in, I was in the who's right discord the other day because you invited me. And I saw that they were trying to, this one podcast was trying to look for like a third member. And I remember like listening to the podcast and it was hog shit. That's awesome. Okay. But what were we talking about pride? Chris times worth what's, what's his number supposed to be? 20. 20. Yeah. I know you're new to the show, Pavel, but 20 is like, it's up there. But Chris, but Chris Hemsworth has also played gay characters. Has he? Yeah. Who do you play that was gay? But he was like early on in his career. Like on some broke back mountain type shit. Yeah. Like, like how Jake Joel at all had to do with Jared Leto. That wasn't Jared Leto, I think. It wasn't Jared Leto. You know, that's weird. Wasn't that? Actually, now I'm going to keep this. That was the other Joker. Keep what's here. So I was going to say, Pave has said that as well. That's weird. Small world. Mistake Jared Leto. Yeah. No. Oh, since his name. Pete Ledger. Oh, Azee? Yeah. Oh, yeah. I just love the Joker's like it, Joker's picked up all the time, you know. Oh, okay. Makes sense. It's a reasonable mistake. I'll put it at 20 though. It has since Jared Leto is still alive. Like, it's kind of easier to say him. No, no, no offense to, you know, Heath Ledger that killed himself. Yeah, but Jared Leto's like straight, like fresh on the mind. Yeah. Well, because he's on the list, I don't see Heath Ledger on the list. Yeah. No, no. Heath Ledger's, I guess, wasn't one of Pave's boy crushes. I mean, have you seen him? Definitely not the hottest dude. I guess not. She was picked to be the Joker for a reason. Yeah. But, um, why is Ryan Reynolds mewing only at five? I feel like Ryan Reynolds? I don't know. I feel like his jawline is in like crazy. Like it's not the sharpest, like it's all right, but he kind of just looks like a, like a handsome businessman. He doesn't look like a male model actor. You tell me, Jared Leto has a better mewing than Ryan Reynolds. Jared Leto has the same facial structure as a starving Ethiopian child. Exactly. His jawline is sharp as fuck because he's malnourished. So when to be higher? Wait, what? Yeah. If he, if his jawline is that bad, when he's mewing be up, um, yeah, we could put Jared Leto's mewing up. What do you think it's at? If you okay, honestly, who has the highest mewing on here? So Jordan Barrett is a 20, Andy Beersack is a 20, and Chris Hemsworth is a 10. So comparatively, to Chris Hemsworth, what would Jared Leto's jawline be at? Like a seven, a solid eight, solid eight, solid eight. Yeah, I guess so bless me thinking. Bless yourself. And that's all they're recording. Yeah, I know. So I put Jared Leto to like, uh, six, seven. So I was right originally, I mean, uh, my argument was right originally defending Paveswork. Okay. Okay. Wait, wait, wait. It doesn't look too short, like it wouldn't cut my finger if I touched it. No, I don't think so. I don't think he's mewing like that. You don't have tough fingers, Andre. What are you talking about? You don't have the tough skin. You got Walmart. You want a hand? Yo, take a picture of your hands and I'll take a picture of mine. We can bear. That's a little gay. I don't know why you want to see my hand. Pavel. Yes. He's working a manual labor job, moving boxes and stuff all day. And you have a cushy, cushy desk job. I have countless on the tip of my fingers because of how hard I press the calculator. That's, that's kind of hard. I'm not going to lie. Yeah. You're trying to get to a pie with me. I can't. I'm just going to die. I poked by me. I puncture your, your courteous. You said I poked? Yeah. Puncture your courteous. I was going to say, imagine like fingering a bitch with like, calluses on the tip of your fingers. That would fucking, I think you'd kill her. Yeah, that's, it's a three-figure death punch. That's what I was saying. Yup. That's scary. I was at work earlier and you know those videos of, of dudes who like sand shit with their hands because they're so rough? No, the fuck? You never seen that. They've sent them into the group chat. The hands are so big. They're just like, they have a pile of wood that has blenders everywhere and they're just like fucking like, brushing it off like it's dirt on a fucking popsicle or something. They sand that shit down. I tried doing that at work earlier and I kind of did it with a piece of, piece of soft ass wood. So yeah, I could also do that when I have gloves on. Yeah, but I wasn't using gloves. I can light up a match with my fingertip. I bet I could light it better with my crusty ass palms. I seen a cracker do that kind of impressive. Have they done it on like their ashy ass knees or what? It was like their calf, you know, like strike the calf or the thing and light it on outside the dollar tree. That feels crazy. That's awesome. So you told me he just, he couldn't have a lighter, but he had a singular match with him. No, like he's, that's some crack at it. He fucking rubbed his skin and called his fart. That is very, really intellectual stuff right there. Yeah. It was the friction that caused the fire. Yeah, obviously, um, honestly, just like the colored people are so smart, whatever it comes to like wanting to do their addictive vices, they are so creative with ways that they like they won't have like a little glass to smoke during. So they'll just make it out of a fucking like a little, you know, water bottle, you know, it was white. That's right. That's right. Really? It was. Yeah. It wasn't the white man. What? What? It's like a midwest white person thing. I was, I was going to say, well, you, you're, you're, you're phrasing there was a bit, a bit strange. You said the colored people. Okay. Like, do you, do you view them? Oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I freaking had it where I was at. Like for a second. The niggas. Okay. That's much better. That's a good. Yeah. Can you say that again? That was a good. Why would I say it again? I'm sick because you're on the show. Like if you, if you do that, you see that zero line that we were talking about on the chart. Yeah. You'll go above, you'll go above that zero line. Damn. They don't have to tell me twice. Okay. That was awesome. So I was looking at a protection for, for Ryan Reynolds at a seven. I feel like Ryan Reynolds is much more carefree than that. No, I don't though. You, you like would be so surprised since he has a lot of money and like using a lot of movies. I don't know. But he's Deadpool. He's also in a new movie if he's also, I think was a T-mobile. No, not T-mobile. Men's. Cricket. What is it? Men's. Yeah. What the fuck? Yeah. Mint mobile. Pretty sure that company's already like, doesn't exist anymore. Already. I was like John's into Acorn. The only fucking marketing strategy they had was just having Ryan Reynolds in the ad. No, they had Ryan Reynolds in, Ryan Reynolds, Reynolds, Reynolds, his mom, you don't remember that. What? What are you talking about? Ryan Reynolds, his mom was in the commercial as well. Oh, you said Ryan Reynolds was in Ryan Reynolds, mom. No, I'm sorry. I got it. I was like, what are you talking about? No, no, I got a stutter of it. It was Ryan Reynolds, his mom was in one of the commercials. Oh, no, I wasn't aware of that. Yeah, I'm also a big Ryan Reynolds fan. I'm sorry. Love Deadpool. Okay. It's awesome. Okay, that's all right. You seem to be a fan of a lot of things. Oh, yeah. Mostly superhero stuff. It's pretty cool. I love the game. I guess you got to let the fans get to know you. You get bitches for them, of course. Well, I have a wife. Oh, you do? She bad? Yeah. Bad at what? Why did she sexy? Oh, yeah, I would say so. How much does she weigh? You know, I spent a while since I checked. Is it above like three, like in the 300 range? Oh, yeah, what kind of lover are you starting off with? CJ. Oh, sorry. Was that too low? Is it a bit higher? It's 120. CJ. Are you getting an anorexic chick? What? She's also 4 foot 11. 4 foot 11. That's pretty heavy. She's 4 foot 11. 120. I was going to say she's kind of obese at that point there. Not your wife, I'm sorry. Yeah, yeah, that's why my wife come on, guys. Do you have kids? We're planning. I won't even say you're fucking raw. Oh, so she turned 18. Wait, what? Anyways, let's go on with the spreadsheet. But, Val, you can't just fucking... You can't just like roll over that. How old were you when you met her? Oh, I was 17. And how old was she? She's 17. Don't lie. She's been trying for almost fucking 10 years. Listen, when the sperm sometimes doesn't want to work, I can't control my body. You're a young man, don't you? The doctor says the fake thing. You should get your test levels checked. Yeah, you have an accident? Yeah. Is a kid or something? When I was at the playground, I was getting bullied. And I was climbing. I was on some teeter-totter thing, and some kid kicked my leg under me. Landed on my nuts. Shit. Yeah, she's okay with that. Like, dude, I think you should actually get your... It's not called fertility for men, it's called some other shit, but get that shit checked out, bro. Check if your swimmers are even swimming. What if she's pregnant and turns out you can't even have kids? If that was the case, then I would love her no better what, and I would take care of the child. Oh, my God. You wouldn't? Oh, fuck God. I'm kicking up, bitch. I was going to say, "You're a sucker. Stuck acid." Okay, good. I was going to say, "Your aura is just completely fucking gone." You didn't know the aura. Everyone has a aura, guys, come on. I don't know, man. They've had fucking negative aura. That man was a fucking furry, glowrilla fan. Is it every glowrilla fan a furry, though? I would assume so. Yeah. I don't think so. I don't think so. It's fit the category. I don't think so. Another glowrilla fan, I don't like, at least one other glowrilla fan, and they have a septum piercing on their nose. I think, at least, every glowrilla fan is a furry. It's like hoodrat music. It's like hoodrat music. It's like hoodrat music. You sound like fucking... What the fuck is his name? That's Anthony Fantano. Wow, you're retarded. Just like, "Pave was." Who would have got your terrible with names, just like, "Pave was." Cool. It's like he never left. Yeah. That's how you know they're real freaks, though. They're furries just out of pure freakiness. I should say, you can't argue that. Yeah. Oh, I'll be right back. Okay. Absolutely. Okay. I guess it's just me, you that, CJ, I wanted to go on and talk about John F. Kennedy with protection. I think he had the worst protection, like, of all time, you know, he did get shot. That's actually very true. I didn't even think about it in that sense. I was just... Right here, it says it was how likely they were to use a condom when fucking "Pave." But if you were talking about actual, like, bodyguard protection, oh, hi, we were just talking about... Why don't you go ahead and tell him what you said, but... It was like, why is protection, like, eight for John F. Kennedy if he got shot? He did, like, get assassinated. That's really shit protection. It's terrible. Yeah. I think we could go ahead and lower that. I think that would be a negative 20. Wait, isn't that for daddy, though? Oh, yeah. No, that's how much they would be to protect a "Pave," I believe. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, never mind. The one exception for protection is going to be for John F. Kennedy because he got his head blown off. I think if John F. Kennedy was still alive, he'd take a bullet for "Pave." I think he was hitting a raw perma, anyways. He was hitting raw perma, why do you say that? How many kids did he have? John F. Kennedy kids. Three. Okay. He was probably going to have more health if he didn't get his head blown off. Yeah. He was fairly young, wasn't he? Yeah. He probably could have had more. Yeah. That makes sense. Yeah. So for daddy, you think John F. Kennedy should go up in daddy? He did father a lot of children. That's true. He wasn't in their lives that long, but he still is a father. Yeah. Yeah. So, what are you thinking? Like, 13, 14. I think a 14 is good. Yeah, 14. Yeah. That's fair. Yeah. Yeah, Pavel, I feel like, I don't know, maybe it's just because it's been a while since we've recorded, but I think we're kind of slacking a bit. I don't think we're bouncing off each other, maybe it's just because you're still new to the show. Well, yeah. This is my first like, you know, get-go. I don't know. I don't see what you like, want me to do specifically. I mean, I, me personally, I'm not paid. I don't know these actors, like, I mean, I know, you know, Chris M's worth. You know, Ryan Reynolds because, you know, they're superheroes, Henry Cavill, too. But I don't, if this, like, spreadsheet was about, you know, Marvel or stuff, I think I have a great shower. Digimon. I love Digimon. Like 80, like 80% of these people were like in superhero things though. Like fucking, Jared Leto was Joker, Michael B. Jordan was fucking Killmonger, Ryan Gosling was Black Panther, John F. Kennedy. I was a superhero, Black Panther. Yeah, I was. Didn't you see that picture? I think that was just a proof of point. But Ryan Reynolds is like Deadpool and Green Lantern and then Deadpool and the other X-Men movie that nobody ever talks about. Uh, Chris Evans is, is a Captain America, Henry Cavill is Superman and Chris Hemsworth is Thor, so there's only two people on here that aren't superheroes. Yeah, and one is a model and one is an emo nigga. Yeah, so I feel like you should be able to talk about most of them, like 80% of them. Well, I could, I could talk about their movies, but not like if they would get something pregnant, you know, or if like they get a boy abortion. It's not pregnant. It's what your imagination is for. It's boy preggers, like, this is your, this is your trial episode, you know, you gotta make a really good impression. Like you don't even think like, you don't want to talk about the size of John F. Kennedy's Wiener. Oh, really? Like 7.2 is kind of crazy for John F. Kennedy. Yeah, he was a little white boy, but granted he did have a lot of children for a reason. I'm guessing. I think that's why. 5.1. I feel like he'd be like a, I was going to say like 5.5 maybe. But 5.1 like that also, that also makes sense. And you have to keep in mind this was like, he was born, what year was he born? 19. He was born in 1917, that was over a hundred years ago and people back then had really tiny leaners. Do you think like his life was giving him the best like, road handy ever until he got shot? No, I think that's what caused his head to explode. I think his head exploded because he was receiving insane head and his mind couldn't process it. Or he was killed like in the boys. Yeah, you ever see the boys, you had the explosion? Yeah. So seeing the boys, but I don't think that's so cool. I don't think that's what happened, man. No, there's like, you know, it exploded the same exact way. No, it really, it really didn't. I mean, I didn't see the bullet, so that's all I'm saying. Yeah, you know that you can't usually see bullets when they're traveling, you know, above the speed of sound. Oh, I don't, I think he said just like, exploded. That's like the most logical thing ever. I'm just different. That's what happened. It just, it just happened like that. Yeah. It's happened before I've seen it. You've seen someone's head just explode for no reason. Yeah. When did that happen? It happened one time when I was out in New York City, was walking around and then this guy's just head just exploded. Everyone else started running away and I just, I didn't understand why for a second. Are you retarded? No. What are you talking about? His head just exploded. He just did that. He said his head exploded and you weren't freaking out. No, not really. I just like, oh, you didn't understand why people were freaking out. You know, people die. It's just natural. Yeah. People die, but their heads don't just explode in front of you. I mean, I've seen some shit, man. It's pretty normal to be. You skits. Were you in the military for a while? You know, early on in my life, I was. What is early on in your life? Five years old. Okay. You were in the military. You were like a child soldier. The wanted woman. Yeah. My father worked in the Marines and I was sent with him because they needed, like, more people. The US Marines are some, like, third world country. Third world country. Where are you from? I'm from the United States. We just went to Korea for, like, a quick trip and then I got caught up in some stuff. Like North Korea? Oh, yeah, you went to North Korea for a trip. Yeah. It's obviously not a thinking about it. It's not a good idea, but, you know, I'd pay for it. We were like, oh, let's go to North Korea. What did you all do out there? Well, you know, at first I thought there was going to be a lot to do, but, you know, there really is not shit to do in North Korea, but what's the TV? And like, I couldn't even find a supermarket for a life of me. You know, watch some fat fuck speed the whole day. Wow. You seem to have quite the fucking life, bro, like, moving. Jesus Christ. Okay, so, if seeing people's heads just explode is normal to you, like, what's something that's fucked up to you? Um, racism. Oh, yeah, that's pretty fucked up. That's really, that's pretty fucked up. Did you hear about slavery? Pretty fucked up shit. That was pretty fun. You're probably familiar with that, too. You were like a slave over in North Korea, I assume? Oh, I mean, technically, yeah. It was very hard work. I had to escape. How did you escape? Uh, that, you know, they make their doors really wide for, like, Kim Jong-un to, like, ease and squeeze through. So, like, they didn't account for, like, a five-year-old child to, like, squeeze through, like, sell bores. Oh! So, I just took my chance and I ran. That's fair. That's awesome. I was just out of here again. I, uh, I hopped into this one lady's luggage while she was, like, aborting a plane back to the USA. You were trapped in that, like, suitcase? I'd be like, open it when I was like, well, I mean, I wasn't trapped in there. I opened up the suitcase and I walked around, like, the luggage parts. A lot of people pack, like, food, believe it or not. Yeah. So, you were able to survive like that. I was able to survive. The grads of the people weren't happy when they got their luggage back, but fuck them. Yeah. I mean, the life of a child is, wait, you said you snuck back, are your parents still over there? My dad. You're doing a podcast while your father's is dead in North, okay, yeah. I mean, it was his idea. I don't see how that's my problem. That's true. All right. You're a cold motherfucker, Pavel. True. Yeah. Whoa. By this time, we usually get into the mystery category, so you guys want to go ahead and get into that? Sure. How about I'll pour it? Okay. So, this week for the mystery category, we have, well, Andre. Whoa. You see, I'll know I called this out before we even started recording. What? There's no, hold up. Let me check the file real quick. Of course I'm on here. Hey, who's always thinking about this? Andre. Mystery. Oh my God. What is it? There's, there's a 10 page love letter to Andre. 10 pages? He, hold up. I'm, I'm skimming through it right now. And he's saying how he would bully Andre because he secretly had a crush on him. And Andre was his gay awakening. And he wanted to do this spreadsheet to come out to us and finally ask out Andre. And pay for all of this. He wrote all of this. That, that doesn't sound like a 10 page essay, but they've eaten. I mean, I'm skimming through it. He is known for doing that. So that could be it was probably Chad GPT to be honest. I mean, AI has come long ways now. I wouldn't doubt him making a love letter for Andre on Chad GPT is like impossible. Yeah. I think, I think he wouldn't have heard it down to write 10 GPT didn't exist anyway. Yeah. I was pretty obsessed with you when he was still here. Has he contacted you, by the way? Oh, yeah. Yeah, we game. Oh, you game? Yeah. This is going to be real awkward when you go back to talk to him. I heard he's going to, he wants to make a gaming channel at some point. Yeah. Well, he did want to, but he's gone now. So that's never happening. Maybe you can join up as well. When his game, I don't want to pick up the slack. I hate fucking Dave. I don't want to be like with him. No, no, like you play with Andre instead. Oh, I think I assume pay was bad at video games. Anyways, right? I don't get, I don't game. I don't game at all. Oh, you don't game. I was trying to talk. Yeah. You said on your desk for like eight hours a day. Yeah. Little bitch. Your wife got mid pussy. Your wife is, hold up, I'll say what he was thinking. He said your wife is 600 pounds, not mid pussy, bad pussy, and you got a small dick too. Thanks for the translation. You mind if you're for real. Yeah, no problem. Audrey is known, not known for like as a man of many words. You're right. Exactly right. I'm going to steal that from you. Wow. Um, pay used to say the exact same thing. And that was the only thing he would criticize Andre for. I think there's like a couple of more things that he would say like, I embrace, you know, the fact that he fucking ran off like, yeah, I mean, it was all pretty much the same, but he's gone now. We don't have to worry about. Yeah. His corny presence anymore. I wonder if Paves on is going to still listen to this. Oh, fuck. I forgot about Paves on if you please don't leave. You were our number one fan and we really appreciated you. Oh, okay. But back to the list for Audrey for divorce ability goats put that at a 20. No, it says here it's out of zero because there is never any circumstances in which he would ever divorce Andre. So I guess that would actually be a negative 20. What do you mean by that? Like, like, he would never ever, he would never divorce Andre. Yeah, that's true. I think God, the intellect at six is wise, the intellect only out of six. I think it should be like an eight. It says here that it's only out of six because because he's black and he smokes weed. So that's why it's like slow. I think it's lucky. We should bring it down a bunch more. Did you say Audrey is like you like shrunk like massively after he started weed? Yeah, I did. So that's why I'm not really arguing the number too much. But what did you say about speech Andre? I didn't say anything about speech. Which one were you talking about? Just intellect. Yeah. I said it should go up, but you brought up the weed part and like this kind of facts. I'm not going to lie. Yeah, see, you weren't even smart enough to think about that. Fuck you. What? What? What happened, bro? I don't know. I guess this is the perfect list since, you know, Pave knows a lot about this. I mean, I think logging should go up. I'll be mogging the piss out of people. That's where they go. I think that's true. I feel like you would mog the average Walmart goer. And you got a pretty good candle tilt as well. I mean, I think that Pave clearly had a type. I think we're going to have to sabotage some of the other people. Yeah. I think he's more pretty than he is handsome, so that makes sense. Yeah. And then down for Chris Hemsworth, I think his math should go down. His math? Yeah. We'll go ahead and put that at negative 20. Yeah, because he has people like he pays people to do his math for him. Are you one of them? Are you an accountant for him? I can't say too much. Okay. Oh, another thing about Chris Hemsworth, the boy preggers, yeah, that should go down because literally, like, believe it or not, you know, he's a, he doesn't have swimmers. Chris Hemsworth doesn't have swimmers? Nope. How do you, why do you say that? How do you know that that boy that he, you know, took, like there was paparazzi pictures with him? Yeah. Adopted. Yeah. Okay. So, like, what, uh, zero? Yep. Okay. I think, uh, I think that's it for the list on. Yeah. I think it is. All right. Let me go ahead and, uh, put them in order. And the winner of this week for, for hot dudes is Andre. What'd you look at that? Oh, yeah. Congrats. Andre, you're the pride month icon for hot dudes. Of course, the only colored person wins on this list. Because I'm sexy. No, there's, there's Michael B. Jordan. Oh, yeah. Yeah. I'm sexy. You're gonna. Bro, you fucking mawled Michael B. Jordan. That's insane. Believe it or not, that's, that's devious work. All right, well, I guess that's it for this. This week, hopefully, you guys like the new Call of Host. If you don't, go ahead and let us know and then we'll figure out what to do from there. Yeah. Um, thank you for listening to this episode of weird, uh, douchebags, the show where we are douchebags. I've been Pavel. This was Audrey and CJ. I hope you liked it. Um, just a little tip. I am going to be going on a little business trip at the mountains on a few days. So I'm going to try and get the episode out as soon as possible, but I will be back to the film for the next one. I promise. Yep. Thank you for joining us and thank you for, you know, editing for free. Thank you for recording with us. It was a, it was a good time with you. The chemistry was a bit off, but I think you'll do good, bro. I love you all. It's a recording with you again. Thank you. Thank you. Yep. Go ahead and check out our shit. Uh, share our shit, please. It's kind of aesthetic now for doing it almost a year. But, uh, thank you guys for listening. Audrey, you go ahead and take us out. All right, guys. It's been us. Peace out. Bye-bye. Thank you. - Thank you. [BLANK_AUDIO]