(intense rock music) - Welcome to Tricky Bros. Presented by ghostbed.com. (intense rock music) Sit back, relax it, grab a fucking Tricky. (intense rock music) - How many times have you talked about today? - Are they entirely? - Hell since yesterday. - It started, it started when I woke up this morning. It was like fucking seven, 15 when I was taking a look at kids at school. And that's when I started thinking about seeing the inward for the first time. - Oh my lord. - Yeah. - So it was seven, 15. - Yeah, just in the fucking car line. - No reason, God, no reason. - Oh shit, are we live? Shit, welcome to Tricky Bros, kids! Damn it, I had no idea. That was a private conversation with Uncle Lazer. And then I look over and this piece of shit Eli is here. Welcome, what kind of glasses you got on today here? - You know, I got them for three for 18 bucks on Amazon. - Really? - I feel like they really bring out the sun in my eyes. - No, it doesn't bring out anything. It doesn't bring out anything. I like it though, but it makes it look like you have done crack cocaine at some point in your life. - And I think you gave everything up. - Yeah, yeah, I've been mostly sober. I did relapse because of Uncle Lazer. (laughing) I was 11 months sober. And then Lazer's like, hey, let's go on the road and if I take you on the road, can we have a beer? And I was like, I'll have up to four white gloves. - Let's be real though, I didn't say you had to have a beer. He just saw a great of a fucking time it was. - Yeah. - To be out on the road, he's like, I gotta have 14 fucking beers. So yeah, don't do that on me. - Yeah, I'm not gonna say I really pressured me. Lazer's been a good father to me. - Yeah, sure. - Sure, a father figure. - What the age difference here? Is there one? - I'm older than you, Hannah. - You're 33, right? I'm 31. - Yeah. - Yeah, so a father figure, for sure. - In Louisiana, at least. - Yeah. - Good for you guys. Put up the 10 commandments, you know, inside your car and classrooms and all that stuff. What? Lazer, that's what we're doing now. - Hey, can I say something real quick? - Yeah. - On June 10th, we went to Red Lobster. - We did. - Okay. - Magnificent time. - You watched. - The listeners are still here by the way. - Yeah, they're still here. We ordered everything on the menu, it was phenomenal. - 42 items. - You washed. - A black man's feet. - A black man's feet, the only way that gets better is if you wash it in that fucking lobster tank that they got them lobsters out in the front or if Gary dies of shellfish allergic. - So he laid down in the booth, the old John Wilkes booth, off to the side and I didn't see him really for maybe an hour after that. I heard he popped back up at the end, but was he sick? Was that real? Did he have shellfish? - No, he was at a raw withdrawal. He had run out earlier that morning. - Stop it. - Yeah, yeah. 100%. - So 'cause he's not drinking to see his kid, right? - No, he's just not drinking 'cause he's a better human being when he doesn't drink. - That's a lie. - No, it's true. He's the worst drunk I've ever been. - No, he's one of the best there is and I think you guys should fucking encourage him. I don't like the way any of this is going right now. - Let's just say it. - Let's say it. - Let's say it. - Let's say it. - Okay. - Being sober fucking sucks, all right? Gary's now a faggot. So we've said it. We've said it on the show, we've gotten it out there and I can't stand it. Even you, Eli, it looks like, like minus the sunglasses, like you're my representative at Merrill Lynch and I'm going to make a trade today and it's like, well, give me more Nvidia stock or whatever the fuck it's called, it's going up. We're going through the thing together. Do you like being sober? - No. - No, I don't, but it's a nice way to guarantee that I'm not causing any problems to make my life worse. - But was it better before? - No. - No, it's not. It's not better before. It wasn't better. - The outlook was? - It depends how you look at it, man. If you drink enough, you don't care. And that's Nirvana, really. - It is. - Nirvana is not desiring anything. You just stop desiring stuff you drink enough. So therefore, alcohol is happiness. - Who's the most happy person you know? - Most happy person I know personally. - Yeah. - Dan Holloway. - No, no. He's dead inside. Look at him right now, dude. - Look how happy that man is, right? - He's fucking dead inside, right now. - He hasn't said one word today. - Look at, probably Kristi Nova, the producer at Kill Tony. She's probably the happiest person I know. - Yeah, she is a really, she's just a beam of light. - Yeah, she drinks. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - But she's like super nice. - Yeah. - And that's fine, this is the guy. This is the happiest person I know right here. You know why? 'Cause he gets fucked up every goddamn day of the week. And then he comes back, boom. Cheers in, hard A.F. Seltzer, middle of the afternoon. Friday, let's fucking go. And it's red and you're back on the horse. Like this is a guy tonight that I wanna fucking hang out with, party with everything else. You're the guy that I would like to have some more information about a timeshare on. - Yeah, do my taxes. - Yeah, my taxes. - Yeah, we're in the cycle, all right, cool. - I went on a three day bender with laser and I couldn't leave my house for two weeks. - Really? - Yeah. - How did that start? Was it cocaine? - No, it started with alcohol. - Okay. - You gotta start with alcohol. Yeah, start with cocaine. - If you do cocaine sober, you probably shoot up schools. - That's true. - You know what I'm saying? - Yeah, yeah. - Which also sounds fun. - Well, yeah. - Depends on where you are. - But there's actually a process where the ethanol and the cocaine reacting your bloodstream to create coca ethylene. So when you do cocaine while you're drunk, it actually is a more euphoric effect. - I just do it so I'm able to drive. I don't get all black out sloppy. I use it as a preventative. - Same. And if Justin Timberlake would have used it and Sag Harbor up there? - Prophylaxis is the word you were looking for. - Ah, he's fine. - What is that, Dan? - He's fine. - Means the same, but it's the right word. - Ah, he's all good. - Like a prophylaxis is a condom, right? But people use that colloquial to mean that, but that's not what it means. A prophylaxis is something used to prevent something from happening, right? - I think he did use a condom. And that's my guess. - Who is Justin Timberlake? - No, him. - Oh, no, he's never used a condom. - But you get drugs inside your asshole? - No, you can look at him and tell him-- - Tester. - Oh, corner eight ball pocket. - You ever done it? - Oh, yeah. - Oh, yeah. - How do you grease it up? - Ah, spit. - Well, the good ones are-- - Got some fashion lube. - Yeah, you got a hard tool on that thing. Good condoms are going to be moved up though, right? - Oh, yeah, they are. It depends on who you are in this life. - Like the warming sensation ones. - I guess. - I'm the warming sensation ones, the ribs. - I've used the gel-- - I got a big old question mark vein in my wiener, so it's already like a ribbed condom. - Is it really? - Yeah, I grew up by a powerful-- - What are you, the fucking redler? Why do you got a question mark on your dick? - Hey, I'm not God, dude. - No, it's not. - I didn't put it there. - Not without it. - You just gotta live with it. - See, this is why you've got a hard time. - What do you mean? I'm hard right now. - Everybody's God, right? - Everybody's God of their own life. - Nirvana soaked in bleach. - No, I don't believe it. - Dude, I love Dan. - I don't believe it. - What do you mean soaked in bleach? That's a good song, by the way. - That's a great day. - It is. - Manry, too. - But, Nirvana, as we were talking about, no, that question mark on his dick is from living next to a power plant. I won't buy a place next to a power plant. - I won't get a time share there. - No, sure won't. - Well, you don't need to talk to him, then? - Yeah. - Listen, there's a lot of question mark dick these days with all the trans people running around. - It sure is, but with you guys, you're out on tour. It looks like a blast. It doesn't look like you're having any fun because you're not drinking anymore. - Well, Ross, I have this amazing time share available for you. (laughs) - It's in Boca Raton, you're gonna love it. Every restaurant closes at 5.30, it's amazing. It's available every, what, January 31st through February 3rd, and then you're good after that. But you guys have been on the road together. I've been watching your Instagram. It looks like it's been a fucking blast so far. Where you heading next? - The Northwest Pacific, Tacoma. Tacoma, Portland, you got some guy's house named Eugene. - Yep. - And then once Seattle, there's one other one. - So it's meth, it's the meth tour. - Well, it's a twilight tour, that's where they film Twilight. - Yeah, you're going through the meth belt down there and emo and depression. - No, it's mostly antifa. - I thought it was heroin and antifa. - Yeah. - That's what I was-- - Oh, is it heroin? I thought it was meth, though. - Now the east side of the states, Spokane, Bend, Oregon, Spokane, Washington, Bend, Oregon, those are meth areas. - Okay, if anything, it's estrogen. - Well, I don't know if it's estrogen, but there's definitely no testosterone up there. - Yeah. - Like, to be honest, the four people sitting at this table we could take over either Portland or Seattle in about two, three hours. - Oh yeah. - Oh yeah. - I'd love to, to be honest with you. But for what purpose, it sucks up there. And less like you want to be part of the fishing. Like, if you're going to take over commercial fishing and make money up there, that'd be good, right? But otherwise, there's no fucking reason to go up there. - They make it look nice in all the 16 minutes videos. - No, no, no, no, big futz running around up there. I don't want to fucking deal with that. - I want to-- - They took it over in 2020. You remember that? - Yeah. - Chats. - Chats. - Chats. - That was crazy. - Yeah, but I don't want it. It rains every 20 fucking minutes. Everybody dries 50 miles per hour in the goddamn freeway. I mean, get out of here, man. - God damn, now I want to cancel the tour. - No, no, no, no, it's going to be good. - They're like, their tickets are real great right now. So, yeah, I'm going to go fucking. - Well, you guys, comedy works the best where people are the saddest. - You can ask JP, he was just up there with Brent like two weeks ago. - JP's here? - Yeah. - Yeah. - Yeah. But JP probably is one, like he looks visually like one of them and then he, like they're fooled once they see the inspection. - Maybe if he had a shirt on. - Maybe. - If it was covered, 'cause there's no muscle mass in that entire state. - No, but he's usually wearing something tie-dye or whatnot. So, he kind of fits in with those guys. - Yeah. - If you saw his videos on the internet, it would shock your minds, but I think you're going to be fine up there. Who is it? It's you? I see Gary. It's Cam Patterson with you? - No, no, Cam's out his own toys going on. - Yeah, Cam was up there with JP. - Yeah, he was up there with JP. - Okay, cool. Who else is on the road with you? - I got his guy Ryan Neeson, fucking Jonathan Kikes. - Yes, buddy. - Yeah, he's a Kikes or Kikes. - Kikes. - I mean, it's technically both 'cause he is Jewish. - Kikes, I mean. - He's also Jewish. - They put that apostrophe over the T, right? - Yeah. - Little French filler. - Jonathan Kikes. - Kikes. - Kikes. - Kikes. - Yeah. - K-I-T-E for him. - What was that, Prostitaria? What'd you say earlier about the word, meaning the other word? - Prophylaxis. - Prophylaxis. - There it is, baby. - Prophylaxis. - Yeah. - No need for that today. - Prophyl, fill with a Y, axis like the deer. - No need for it today. - Prophylaxis against pregnancy. - Chef. - No, he's got three kids. - He's got three kids. Yeah, I didn't pull out. Third one was an accident. - The last Sunday show, we went on about 15 minutes about abortion though. - We did. - At least we're doing our part. - We are. - Abortion is just microdosing murder. (laughing) - Huh? - That should be a T-shirt. Especially in Texas is what it is. Because you're just getting a little bit of it. You're just getting to drop a murder in there. You're not really performing the act, but you're getting warmed up for it. - Yeah. - Where once that baby comes out and is dead on the table, you're like, all right, well shit, maybe I could murder an adult-sized human. - So I'll tell you this much. If the Clintons are murdering babies for world powers, I'm one abortion away from a Netflix special. - Would you crack a skull and drink some agrini chrome? - No. - You don't need to. You can get a dream of chrome. Yeah, I can make it. - Yeah. - My whole thing is that I'm not controlled. I like that about myself. - I think it's better right from the baby's skull. And that's what I've heard on the internet. Well, fresh out of the cup. - Yep, right there. Just right out of that fucking skull. - Speaking of abortion, there's this nice young lady that I have kind of been back and forth with. And she's like, yeah, he'd come inside of me. I'm not fertile, but I might be. And I was like, well, that's confusing. So I'm just, you can't pull off a driveway. But she's like, also, I like the thought that I could still legally kill somebody. And I'm probably gonna marry her. Show. - Yeah, where's she from? - Vegas. - Oh boy. What's she do there? - She's... - What's her profession there, Vegas? - She's a sales district manager for YSL than people who make them alphabet shoes. - Really? - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Okay. - I'm sorry, they make alphabet shoes. - The YSL on the fucking heels. - Yeah. - It's like the alphabet. - Oh, yeah, yeah. - You're saying the wrong? - You're saying the wrong. - Yeah. - It's very nice. - Prospatarian, whatever you said, profan, what is that? - How many tattoos does she have? - She's sleeved out, yeah, yeah, yeah. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. - Yeah. - Sleeved out. - You take these blonde hair, you know me. - There it is. I was gonna say, 'cause you classed it up where she worked, you know, I was like, "Eh, this is gonna get worse as we go along." - Hey, you know, credit's good. I got a house, seem like she got it together. - She does? - Yeah. - Who paid for the titties? - Herself? - Okay. - Okay, so what does she do before she worked at YSL? - You see, I don't really like to dive into people's past, man. (laughing) I don't want nobody to flip that question on me, 'cause I've been broke hard to put up with, and I don't like to talk about it then, thank you very much. - Well, let me save you the suspense. She probably worked, how pretty is she? - She's one of the most beautiful women I've ever seen. - So she showed me a picture. - She probably worked at, like, Encore, the beach club over there. (laughing) 'Cause all you do, you don't, it's not like stripping. You just walk around in Bikini and take money from Persian dudes all day. - Nah, she's got a Master's in Statistics. She's like super smart. - Okay, now how's that helping her as a sales person at YSL, Laser? - Well, I mean-- - No. - Well, statistically, this probably isn't gonna work out. (laughing) - Look, statistically, look. - Statistically, she's nice to me. - She looks good on paper. - I mean, what do you want from me? - How long you guys been dating? - Oh, we haven't been, we're not dating. I stopped saying that on there. (laughing) No, no, we're, we've just been talking and getting like, you know, cordial, shit like that. - Well, it's interesting. I've been trying to mentor all of you cons, right? 'Cause you're just the worst people in the world. - What do you mean? - Like, you, Gary, and this piece of shit right here are the worst people I know. - I got a humanitarian war coming, dude. - From what? - Well, when it gets here, I'll let you know. - Yeah, yeah, so that was a lie when you said. - Both, basically. - But Gary's allegedly dating somebody that's not a prostitute, which is-- - She's a lawyer. - Yeah, which is-- - Come on. - Probably his lawyer to be frank, right? - Got me, people can't change that. - She's probably a public defender, and that's how they met. - Easily, right? - She's a clerk. - Speaking of that, I've got Gary's warrant. I've got a copy of it. - I've got a copy as well. - We can't put it on screen, but he was sent to us. - The next time we see him, well, I'll have it blurred out by then. The personally identifiable part, and we'll put it up on screen in Rose's ass. - He has no idea about this part. - God, I love this. - He has no idea. And just to prove it to you, by the way, I'm gonna show it to you. - Oh, I love this. - I'm gonna show it to you, so that way you can actually see it there. - And just the one from Pike's face? - Yes, it is, yeah. - Yeah. - You saw the worn out there? - Dude, I'm gonna be honest. That was honestly, that shouldn't have ever escalated to that. 'Cause he literally just had a cup of water. - Well, he said his dad was being an asshole. - His dad fucking, his dad looks like the fucking grandwizard. He looks like the grandwizard, you know what I'm saying? Like, so like, it really, but then he got out like five hours later, came back and punched a bunch of holes in the wall. That's bad. - Well, there you go. Yeah, I mean, that was in retaliation. - He should have, yeah, he should have a jail for that. - Well, that's retaliation against the false arrest, in my opinion. - Well, the bar didn't do that. - They shouldn't have been standing there. - All right, and then-- - Someone's gotta pay. - Somebody's gotta pay for this blood from my lip. That's what Major Payne said. Now, Eli, I think you're dating somebody as well, a normal person. - Oh yeah, you're welcome too, bud. - I found a nice lady. - Semi-normal, right? - Well, she's healthy. She's mentally well. - When I say healthy, I mean thick, like fat. So what do you mean when you say it? - She doesn't back talk. - She doesn't, yes. She doesn't back talk. She's not manipulative. She's not trying to play little games. I feel like most women are kind of in the same person, really. Most of them are just the same person. And then she's not. She's different than most of them. - Well, she's gonna plant the seed, make you think she's some kind of normal broad and take you for your home warranty and everything you're worth. I can't fucking wait. - Yeah. - I'm prepared for that. It might come to that, for sure. - That's fine. - 'Cause even you got her a burka. - Your clothes have changed. - Yeah, dude, you're dressing all like your-- - This isn't, that's not, that's not normal. - You look like Armie Hammer after he got caught. Like he's down in the Cayman Islands selling time shares right now. - John McAfee. - Beard is all cleaned up. Hair cut is all cleaned up. Like you look like a nice sober man who's going to his business job for the day. - I feel like this is what you always look like. I don't know what they're talking about. - I haven't really changed much. - No, you have. You used to be super white trash with some t-shirts and fun shit. Maybe you would rip open the shirt a little bit. - That's not true. - Now you're all buttoned up right now. And it's kind of, there it is. - There it is. There's who it used to be right there. - Go ahead and pull up Eli's Instagram 'cause we can fucking figure this out right now. - Yeah, let's get to the bottom. - Let's do it. 'Cause when friends change, that's when it gets fucking hard, dude. You know? That's when it gets hard to hang out again. - Well, joke's on you 'cause I was hard the whole time. - Well, you've always been bricked, yo. - Pull up Eli's Instagram. - That's when it's really hard, yeah. - Pull up Eli's Instagram. - What is it again I'm logged out? - Goddamn it. - This fucking. - This. - God damn it. - We're here hours beforehand. Just make sure you're logged in. - Why does it ever log him out in the first place? - I know. - It's not far back at all. - Just do it before we get here. Just log in before we get here. - Yeah, I'll add to the list. Check every day if I'm fucking logged out. - Yes, dude. You are. The answer is yes, dude. This fucking account, well, probably 'cause we posted that, guest the movie. You wanna cook that guest the movie poster right there? Click that meme. This one took me a minute. Yeah, did you know this one? Guest the movie title? - Black Hawk Down. - Yeah. - Oh, I was gonna say peanut butter falcon. - Peanut butter falcon. - I was gonna say peanut butter. - Is that a movie? - Yeah, it is. - With Shilah Buff and then that boy with the downs. - Yes, some boys down. - Are you doing a retard movie? - Yeah, you got like an Oscar friend. - I got that wig. - Yeah. - But I sure did. I didn't get it immediately. And I was like, holy shit. - That's good. - Okay, scroll down as far as you can go there. - Oh, there he is. - So he's worded jersey. - Look at him, he's like dating shows. - Go back to when he's in a fucking jersey right there. That's the guy I used to know. How long was this? - That was last week. - Yeah. - And what is this? - That's a music-- - That's a music video. - That's a music video. - That's me as a homeless man. Did I send you this? - You did, but like this is what I'm talking about. This is the guy I used to know. - This is a character though. - This is somebody I used to know, the guy in the jersey. - And there he is. - This is also a character who's on a show, but look at him, scroll down. You can see him in normal clothes. - Harlem Globetrotters, dude. This is the guy I used to know. - Who's that guy right there in that car? - Hell yeah. - Look at that. - That's the spoop rally car. If you're not familiar with spoop, it's a glove with spoons on the fingers. - Oh, he said spook. - Spook. Either way though, we'll get to that one next. But spoop is a glove that you wear that has spoons on the fingers and you use it to wipe your ass instead of toilet paper. You just scoop out the poop and then flick it. - It'll never work. - Spoop. - It's a terrible idea. - Pause it and roll it up. - You can see the spoop right there. - No, I see it. - Oh, shouldn't even notice that. - I think we need to bring innovation into the whiping field, but I don't think that's the right answer. - I think, well, I mean, this is from Jared and Kaelin. They take bigger shits than either any of us. - That's true. - To be fair, right? - But I would like a Michael Jackson glove, something with beads on it where I can really get in there. - They have to sound about aesthetics. The sound about aesthetics is about fucking efficiency and performance. - That's the right amount. - You're brown, I can't see. - Yeah, Kaelin doesn't give a fuck with his bubble. - Oh, there he is, but there's shirt off. That's always what he's doing. That's his main account. - Yeah, that's it right there. - There it is. - Look at that deep V. - Look at that. - Come, brothers. - Yeah. - Yeah, if you've got to stop telling people you're trying to kill yourself, dude, 'cause you're, why? - Dude, I haven't said that in six months. - Well, yeah, but it's still true. - It's still true. We all know it's in the back of your mind. - Yeah. It's always in the back of mine. - It's always in the back of mine. - Year-wise, what's your over-under for how long to do all of yourself? - Five years. - Five. Okay, and what that puts you at 38 somewhere in there? - 38 special. - 38 special? - There's six. - He's 33, he's 31. - Either way. - Yeah, we just, that was about 10 in a couple years. - It's entirely based on how much money I have. As soon as I run out of money, I'm gone. - Really? - If I have money, why would I kill myself? - That's true. - I can just buy something. - I don't know nothing. - Money only buys a change of misery, dude. - Well, you're happiness, so it doesn't matter. - But, tell 'em Dan. - There's a bunch of listeners in the studio today who aren't buying that bullshit. - Well, if you, so if you have enough money now, why be sober? - Well, 'cause. - Because I wanna be better than everyone. It's an elitist perspective. All these people need to drink to have a good time. Me, I don't need anything to have a good time. I just need my fucking hard dick in my hand. - I can't do it. No, none of it sounds fun. Like, you can't even convince yourself to convince me on this show that it's a good time. - Dude, he's doing it 'cause Gary's doing it and they're fucking out. - I got Gary started on it. - They've been trying out doing each other since Jump Street. They're just now sober, then they'll be doing heroin. It's a fucking, they're like, you know, they're a tandem. - I asked Gary at Red Lobster, then I go, "What's the fucking real sis?" I go, "Most wives," or, you know, "Baby mamas," or whatever it is. If they hate the other person who got them impregnated, we'll go to the judge and say he's a fucking alcoholic, he's got warrants for his arrest, which he does, and all that other shit. And then usually the judge imposes a thing where it's like, hey, you can't see your kid until you piss and take a clean alcohol test and a drug test. So I think that's what Gary's doing. - No, here's why that's dumb. Gary doesn't want to see the kid. - He does. - No, he doesn't. - He does. - He does. - Dude, he's went out to Santa Barbara like six times on a hope that he could have a scheduled sit-down meeting with a mediator and spend $1,000 to get the mediator, and every time that lady's canceled. So he's out about $6,000, and that's not even counting plane tickets in a hotel. - He got a pontoon boat for the kid, and then we're going to go deep sea fishing for the-- - Scuba diving. - Was it? - Yeah. - I mean, that sounds a lot like Frito, doesn't it? It's going to take him out there. - Well. - If it happened to him-- - No, I mean, the kid is going to kill Gary, which is-- - Little later. - What's going to happen? - We love it. - Yeah, I think Larry should kill Gary, and that's what, that's his right of passage in the manhood, you know what I mean? - I think it's going to be the opposite. I think the kid's going to grow up, he's going to be missing his father, and then they're going to have this reconnection, kind of like Drake and his dad, later on in life, and then they get back together and everything's great. - What if-- - Yeah, as soon as his kids old enough, he's going to meet all of us, and he's going to be like, wow, my dad's awesome, which he already knows, and all his friends are awesome, and it's going to-- - What if he gets a tattoo of all three of us on his chest? Little Larry. - A kid? - A little-- - A little Larry. - A little Larry. - At age 12. - That'd be awesome. - That'd be cool. - But if you weren't there at Red Lobster, you didn't see those pictures. Gary does have a full chest tattoo of the kid, holding an AK-47. Now, how old is the kid? - It's six. - Eight, or is he six? - Yeah, okay. He's six years old, and he decided that was the move for the kid, was to get an AK-47, like a six year old-- - Well, that was an, it's actually a red rider, BB gun, but that was the last time Gary ever seen the boy. - Oh, shit. - Is there a picture of that tattoo on the internet that we can look at? 'Cause-- - Oh, I wish there was. - I don't think he posted that at all. - If there's a real, there's a real, I just posted this morning on my podcast, Gary's there shirtless. If you could stop it on the reel and see it. - Yeah, pop it up, go to Uncle Laser, and see if we can see this thing, because it is-- - So that won't come-- - In your mind-- - In your mind shirt off. - Yeah. In your mind what you're expecting is exactly what it is. - So if you stop right there, there it is. - Now, zoom in on that. - Yeah, you can't, you just did it. - You just did it. - Yeah, you just did it. - Yeah, I had it. - What are you talking about? - That's not how-- - Control works. - It doesn't work. I'm fucking telling you. - Well, you could kind of make it out. - Yeah, you can make that out. So that's his child that he doesn't get to see, and then that's-- - And that's his Captain hat that he's had for being sober for too much. - Right. - Don't know why he's doing that. - And then with the rest of it-- - Now that's not any way-- - That's an AK-47, right? - A Red Rider BB. - That's exactly-- - It's supposed to be a Red Rider. It looks like a fucking bazooka. - Okay, who did they tell that to? Like who's the tattoo artist? - Oh, Gary gets them for free. - And what country are they from? - It's from Austin. - Do you want a free tattoo though? - No. - No. - No. - You want to pay, you want to make sure you're getting what you need there, because otherwise they're gonna let you talk into that. I'm like, oh yeah, I'll make you your fucking six-year-old with an AK-47 in your hand. That's fine. - Yeah. - So who cares? - Look at that. - Look at that. - There it is. - Handsome young man. - Nice job, Bob. - Okay, yeah, that's not a BB gun at all. I mean, it looks like a goddamn flintlock or something. - Yes! - A musket. - Look at that fucking thing. - That's a Winchester dog. That is like 1870s cowboy. - 30-30. - That's a fucking... - 30-06 lever action. - And is the kid on there? Go back to that picture, Bob. Is he wearing like a button down? - It's like one of them old timey things. You do it the western thing at the county fair, where you dress up, every one that look like. - You got suspenders. - Yeah. - Have you met him? - Who? - Gary? - Little Gary, Gary Jr. - Oh, the kid? - No. - If Gary hasn't met him, I haven't. - He's an awesome kid. - Is he, you've met him? - I've met him. - Yeah. - Again? - Gary and Eli go back. - What did you guys meet? - I've known Gary since before the kid, so. - Oh, shit. - I don't care if like nine years. - Do you know the mom? - Yeah. - Yeah, he was actually at her. - Where did you actually work? - He was wearing a suit, weren't you? - I wasn't at the childbirth. - The conception, though, yes. You were there for that, you filmed him. - They actually had sex on top of my sleeping body at one point. - Nice. - Is that true? - Yeah. - Did you get that shirt on? - I mean, I don't remember it, I was asleep, but that's what Gary said. - Was that when the kid was conceived? - I think that might be, it was around that time. - Does that mean you get partial ownership of the child? - I think me and Gary have agreed on that. - Yeah, I would file all the paperwork, though, 'cause Gary cannot be trusted. - No, he can't be trusted, and if you look at him, he looks like a scroll down there again, Bob. Looks like a decent looking lad here. Just wondering what the whole vibe was with the suspenders and the button-down shirt for the kid at six years old. - I don't even know if that picture actually exists. I think Gary drew that up in his mind. He said, "Hey, give me my son with a little flutter." - This is the son I wanted. - Yeah, this is the son I want to see. - This looks like a little news boy from the 1920s. - X-Tree, X-Tree, read all about it. - Shut up, kid, and then he pulls out the gun, right? - I have newspaper now. - His dad fucking, that kid's on the way to the school right now with that gun. - Oh, boy. - Oh, crap. - You think that? - Yeah, that elementary school-- - I mean, if you go on with the '30s, '30, you good luck. - Yeah. - I think he's gonna get older. He's gonna find out about Gary Bear, and he's gonna switch sides later on. - Oh, so what do you mean switch sides? - Like he hates it, like he'll just hate his mom and those mom and-- - Oh, I mean, he probably already does. - 'Cause Gary's gonna let it slip and say, "Hey, your mom never let me see you your entire life. "I've always loved you." - Well, he doesn't need to let it slip, he just watch the show. - That's what I'm saying. I think if you scroll back through all of our drinking bros, assuming we're not canceled or deleted, at that point-- - Oh, we might be executed. - Yeah, but the kid will be able to go back and watch all the previous episodes and be like, "You know what? "My dad did love me." And it was my bitch ass mom who wouldn't let me see him. - Well, just in case we all get murdered, Delco, if you wanna play that angel music, R.I.P. to us. - Thank you, obviously. - Thank you. - Yeah. - Thank you for-- - A lot of us here today. - Thank you for your service or whatever, whatever. Are you lying down there too? - Everybody on Gary's Instagram, I think he's gonna die within 10 years. - Anybody that's following him probably doesn't have a great shot. - God damn it. - 'Cause they're not. You know just from that fact, they're not making good life decisions. - No. - You think somebody follows Gary and Eats Healthy? - No. - Unlikely, right? - Maybe there's a couple like I do. - Maybe him, maybe you do. - We do, we do. - What are you talking about? - You don't need healthy. - You're out of your mind, I don't need-- - You wouldn't have, yeah, that's not healthy fuck face. - Well, I mean, is it fasting? You ever heard it? - One meal a day, dude. - No, no, no, no, no, no, no. - One meal a day is not good, but intermittent fasting is good. - I do that, 18 hours. - Intermittent fasting, so there are enzyme compounds in your body that kill cancer cells, and they're at their peak after about, I think, 14 hours of not eating. - Yep. - Yeah. - Dan, we got some sponsors that put this shit wagon on the air, Eli. Uncle Lazer, you've been here before. You know we gotta keep the lights on. First and foremost, go to sped.com/drinkinbros. It's all 50% off. - Day, day. - The economy sucks. Current administration sucks. Inflation sucks. The only people that are helping you save some money in this world are go sped.com/drinkinbros. Promo code drinking bros gets you 50% off on mattresses, sheets, pillows, adjustable bases, weighted blankets, mattresses for RVs, Venus Williams has a new collection over there. All the products are made in the good old U.S. of A now. Go speds on the come up. You've seen 'em at major retailers, like Costco and Sam's Club. Get it shipped right to your house. You can't get a 50% discount over there. I'm sorry, you can't. Get it shipped to your house. Use the promo code drinking bros at checkout and put 200 items in the cart. It doesn't matter. Plus at checkout, you're gonna see a three-year pay-as-you-go program. No interest as long as you have decent credit over there. So let's say you do put the 200 items in the cart. You're gonna get 50% off and you're gonna stretch it out over three years. Go bugfuck, you deserve it. It's hot as hell out there, especially in Texas. Get a cooling mattress and some cooling pillows and sheets at go sped.com/drinkinbros today. Next up, we got firstform.com/drinkinbros. God damn it, Anthony. I forgot to take 'em, dude. That's why they sit here on my desk, right next to my computer. I forget to take my vitamins on a daily basis. Yeah, I mean, I used to use Flintstone vitamins, right? Sure do. Purple Dinos. Now I'm an adult. Yeah, yeah, well, I mean, I got hooked on 'em. For a long time. Yeah, but I've transitioned. Yeah. A lot of people do these days. If you hear, they sure are. They're dropping those dicks, like flies right now. If you hear that plastic pouch in the background over here, 'cause I'm literally taking them live on air, 'cause I don't wanna forget. I forget to take my fucking vitamins. I put the box next to my computer every day. It's a beautiful little box with a trap door, plastic pouch that shoots out. Not just a multivitamin, by the way. It's a convenient daily packet. Six products included in it. Antioxidants, multivitamins, probiotics, co-cutens. The EFAs and the fruits and veggies. All the things you need to keep your heart pumping, your brain fucking thinking straight. And your libido good. I don't know, is that true? Is it good for sex, yes or no? Yes. Really? All right, I'm gonna take 'em right now. I got all six in my hand. They fit all in one fucking dose here, so I'm gonna take 'em live on air over here. Tell 'em about the liver detox, Anthony. Yeah, I mean, look, we don't eat the right kind of stuff anymore. Our food has been jacked up so badly that none of the stuff we eat has the proper nutrients in anymore. Your body needs to be in something called homeostasis. So it needs all the chemicals in it to make all of your organs function properly. This liver detox pill, all it does is add a couple things back to your diet that we're not in there before, and your liver starts to function properly again, which is a good thing if you drink like we do. Yeah, and especially on Mondays, man. I go hard over the weekends. I like that liver detox on the Mondays. Head on over to firstform.com/drinkingbros. Today, you're gonna get free shipping on orders over $75 when you use that link. Big boy savings and highly recommend their protein sticks over there as well as that liver detox, but the microfactors are a must on a daily basis. Last but not least today, we got ketone.com/drinkingbros. Save 30% off your first subscription order of ketone IQ. These light orange boxes with a little yellow trim that you see on the set. That's ketone IQ. Take a shot of it, keep your focus, keep you locked in for the day. Take a shot before every episode we film, or if I'm writing, if I just need to fucking concentrate. What is ketone IQ? It was a clean shot of energy, no sugar, no caffeine. Take it when you're feeling a little down. It's not gonna make you crash like that bullshit at the gas stations. Not gonna make you feel jittery at all. And a lot of guys in the Tour de France and the DoD are using it. Shit, they just got a ton of funding from the DoD. So a bunch of soldiers are using it as well. And they also are doing most of the Olympic athletes coming up for the Olympic Games here in Paris this summer. Thank God that's going on. We need some sports in our lives. If you need a clean shot of energy with no sugar, no caffeine, head on over to ketone.com/drinkinbroze, where you can save 30% off your first subscription order of ketone IQ at ketone, K-E-T-O-N-E.com/drinkinbroze. You know what else to go for that I did? Just a straight water fast for three days. Not drink water? Just drink water. Don't eat for three days. I'll try to do that recently. It's hard as fuck, but when it doesn't, it destroys all the cancerous cells. Everybody gives your cells regenerates themselves. That's right, yeah. What starves them? The cancer wants sugars to be, right? Yeah, so you don't have, you know, for somebody that's young and active, you have about two to five years, for every two to five years, you're all of the cells in your body replace themselves. So 2019, your brain, your eyes, your teeth, none of that shit's still on your body. Different, yeah. It's all different, that's fucked up. Is it? Yeah. I don't even think about it. You shouldn't think about it. I don't wanna know. Be honest. Yeah, I just don't wanna know. I didn't ruin your life. If you found out how the world really worked, you would just shut down. Yeah, but I'm pretty close. I feel like I'm pretty close to that already. Yeah, yeah. Like on a daily basis as I see shit go on, I can't fucking believe it. And I'm like, how is any of this possible and how are we all not dead right now? It doesn't make any sense to me. 'Cause then I see a guy like you, 'cause I love, I love your feed. If you don't follow Instagram on "Uncle Laser," it's one of the best there is because it's a life that a lot of people look at and be like, man, I love just to quit on life and do that. You know? You can't fucking rad. Get my dick sucked in cities, do all that other crazy shit. There's a list of top 10 white trash cities that I wanted to ask you about. Don't peek. Don't peek, and I wanna know if you've performed there and/or been there. Okay. Portsmouth, Ohio. No, not Portsmouth. Okay, Fall River, Massachusetts. That's near Boston? Yeah. No. Okay, Sedalia, Missouri, you know that one, Bob? I do know that one, Bob. What's that one? That is fucking nothing, dude. It's middle of nowhere. That's where the Missouri State Fair is. Is it really? Yeah. All right, it's coming in at number three. Well, you know, your zoo wasn't the other day, but this is-- Susan gave me a hand job on the Ferris wheel. Yeah, yeah. Another really. Yeah, I've been here before. By the way, another name for mullet is a Missouri compromise. Really? Or a Texas tailgate. Or a Kentucky waterfall. Or a Louisiana lobster tail. Oh, I like it a lot. These are all brand new to me. They should be. You don't have the mullet. You don't have the mullet. So you're stealing valor, then? Yeah, you're stealing valor. 'Cause you have mullet and have had one for some time now, and you don't know any of the culture or history surrounding it. Yeah, they want you to try-- You've got silver here. You've got your mullet. You stop wearing jerseys, like-- Yeah, dude, who are you, dude? You're a different person right now. I don't know about all that. That's the point. You might be a fucking psi-op at this point. Dude, are you trying to be Gary? Dude, I was sober first. Do you know how bad your life would have to be for you to look at Gary and be like, that's up? Yeah, that's the guy. That's the guy-- that's my Christ-like figure I want to follow. God, if he were just a walk in here in the Stone Cold music play, and he's coming here-- Oh, just break fucking two beers over his face. It'd be great. Pensacola, Florida. Yes, great spot. It's the Redneck River era, right? Yeah, I did the Roland by the Bay Festival there. That's where I met riff-raff, and fucking got to go on stage. No shit. Did he live there? No, he lives like down near Miami, but he was performing there at a car show. OK, the next one I know, Morris Town, Tennessee. Yeah, you ever been out there? I never been to Morris, yeah. I'm driving through it. Boy, it's-- Elkharts, Indiana. Full disclosure, I don't know Elkhart, Indiana. I don't know that one, actually. I know, I know. Every-- pretty much every city in Indiana. Small cities, though, aren't you? Ashboro, North Carolina. Oh, yeah. We've been in there. We've been in Ashboro. Oh, yeah. Love you, Claire. Waffle House is great there. Rockford, Illinois. Uh-oh. I think it's New Prioria. I think I know where that's at. Can't in Ohio, yes. Oh, yeah. That's a shit-old shit. God damn it. That's it. So all they have is the Hall of Fame. The NFL Hall of Fame and the Hall of Fame game, and that's it. Like, everybody wants to escape out of there. Yeah. And kind of move on. And then the last one is Jackson, Michigan. You performed in Michigan recently? In Detroit. I've been to Jackson, Mississippi by now. Yeah, no. I've never heard of Jackson. He hates it. Michigan. Oh, hey. That's right. You're from-- where is that at? It is down by-- Just south of Ann Arbor. Just south of Ann Arbor. The jail out there. OK. No, there's a jail out there. Oh, great. Perfect. Would you ever do a prison? I just watched the Johnny Cash movie go in again. My kid loves it. It's funny. Somebody in Indiana mess me up the day and go, hey, we love to have you come perform out here for all the inmates and stuff. And I was like-- That'd be incredible. I was like, well, how much we talking to you? And he's like, I give you 1,000 and pay for hotel rooms. I was like, Megan, 2,000. And hotel rooms-- And I'll bring a camera crew and dress in all black. I already been, yeah. I'm already scheming on it. If you filmed in a fucking prison-- That's the best way to do it. Because when I watched it, the other night, I was like, foot one into a fucking awesome movie. And then going back and watching it, you're like, holy shit. And then, oddly enough, I caught the original because there's no good music today. They've been showing these old specials on PBS, just like random live specials. And that was one of them. And I got to see it. And I got to see the other reverse angles of it. Because when you think back to it, you just think of Johnny Cash, you forget that his wife came out on stage. Yeah, Jim Carter. And in front of all these male inmates who hadn't seen pussy in fucking years, and you're like, holy shit. Yeah, that's how popular he was, by the way. He pretended to go to jail for his career, then came into a prison, and they still liked him. Did he pertain? I didn't know. No, he actually went to a jail. He did not-- he did in no way spent time in Folsom. Not in Folsom. He went to county jail for a night. He was in-- He was in a holding tank. Yeah. Jim lost in a prison special. In a prison? In a prison, by the way. And by the way, braver than Johnny Cash, because one, Jeff Ross talks a lot of shit, until he's very rapable. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I guess it's Johnny Mitchell on the show? No, I don't think we have, actually. You know who he is, right? Comedian, very funny. His first time doing stand-up was in prison. No shit. Yeah, he was in prison for, I think, money laundering. He was a big drug dealer. I'd love to do a podcast in there. A bunch of prisoners are doing a podcast, he says. Yeah, I mean, that's interesting. The true crime stuff, the true crime podcast always irk me, because it's always just two white people that have no-- Two white women, mostly. Two white women. Who didn't do a crime, and they're just talking about other people's crimes, but now it's all the criminals, like, this is what I did. And that's interesting, if you get it right from the source. So Ear Hustle is one of the big shows, I don't know if you heard that, and they let him record it in the prison, and then Shugnights, the other one, where he calls in from the phone. And I think, Bob, if you look it up, I think it's called Collette Call, which was Shugnights. I forget the exact title of it. Yeah, he should make it to the PBD podcast. So he's calling it, Michael-- Michael Cohen has been fucking-- he was in prison doing fucking shows and shit, too. And so is the creepy porn lawyer. He was doing shows. Really? Yeah, it's just like, I guess if you're at certain prisons, they just let you fucking go on the-- I mean, look, if you have access to the internet, why you're in prison, why wouldn't you have to be able to go on TV and shit, too, right? Well, one would think you could use people in shit, why not? Yeah, but you could use this as a weapon and kind of stab somebody's fucking-- I mean, I don't think they let you walk. I don't think they set up a goddamn podcast studio and you're holding so much. Yeah, I don't think they-- yeah. Now, they take you to the fucking media room and you get to do whatever. It's probably the same room they use for remote court appearances and shit, I would guess. So, show is doing it over the phone. If you play a clip, Bob, I mean, you're just on the phone. Yeah, I would think there was a guy on the other end of the phone clicking record. Yes. That would make more sense of all of you. Yeah, maybe, but creepy porn lawyer was doing video, so was Michael Cohen when he was in jail. So it happened sometimes. When I was still in the overfill prior to quitting and doing a stand-up full-time, I had my phone number on my Facebook and I got a call from a prison. Yeah. And it was like 30 inmates calling just to fucking talk to me, just to bullshit, just like, hey, we love y'all here. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And I was like, don't waste your time calling me. It's fucking wild, isn't it? The last call I took from a prison was a guy who was trying to do a documentary in North Carolina, actually. And his bizarre story, his wife had won the lottery in North Carolina and then he got arrested like two days later after she won the lottery and serving out this crazy term of like 30 years. Oh shit. And they're thinking they have enough money to get him out and was like, well, what was the fucking crime and he starts going over and you were like, no, you definitely did that. It doesn't really matter how much money you have. What do you do? That's gonna happen. It wasn't a bloody go stitch, but it was close to where you were like, oh, it was one of those where you're like, well, you're doing like 25 to 30 for that. You know what I'm saying? Not life, not the death penalty, but you're doing 25 to 30 for it. You can look him up. Play this clip, Bob. - Hey, watch, look over their shoulders. They do them the right way. - Oh, so this is-- - Okay, well you do the right way. - No, no, no, no, this isn't me. - You do the right way. - This is the phone. No, I'm saying for the image. - Correct, man. - Yes, yes. - You're right, Bob, you got a great return. I'll make you have to be a dad person. - Okay, you press pause. So with this, 'cause I've tried to listen to it in the past, it's the same thing. It's hard to record a phone call from prison, clean. Now, obviously nobody's asking them to get off the goddamn phone and it's their time 'cause it's shook night and he'll kill them or have them killed. So he's got that going for him, but a clean audio call is really fucking tough. The guy's from Ear Hustle. It seems like they're using that media room that you were talking about, Dan. - I'm sure, yeah, yeah. But if you did a full stand-up special on a prison cell for you-- - I think it'd be dope. It'd be run on brand. - Yes, I mean, I would do it immediately. What jail have you talked to, do you know? - All right, it was in the south at least? - No, it was somewhere in Indiana. It was a penitentiary in Indiana. - Okay, that was the federal one out there. - It might have been Elkhart, Indiana. - I got an idea. What if we open a drink in bros private prison? - We get a bunch of killers moved over to that. - Sure. - Set up a media room and then start charging for the Patreon for all the inmates' podcasts. Take all their dope. - That'd be dope, yeah. - And have them make license plates. - You know what, I was thinking, we'll bring all the J6 people there to the same prison and we'll just use the money from the Patreon to get them fucking drugs and blow jobs all day. - That would be awesome. - That's what they really deserve. - Yeah, even the women. - Yeah. - The old ladies that got arrested at J6, they get blow jobs too. Everybody gets one. - Did you see that grandma? - Huh? - Did you see that grandma from J6? - Uh-uh. - Oh yeah, she was like, what, 74, Bob? I think she is? - There's a 74 and a 76. No, no, they weren't J6. They were sitting in an abortion clinic. - Well, there was another one who was the J6 grandma. We did an episode about her own fake news. - I don't know how old she was though. - She looked fucking old. There she is, pop her up there. - She's 72, I think. - She was there and that's her in the thing. - She can get it. - Exactly. - She can fucking get it. - I'll peel that scab back and go to town. You hear me? - Explain what the scab is you're talking about. - Well, when you're pushing against weather to that Metapaw's I think. - It doesn't. - No, no, no. - You don't know, Dan. - Yeah, you don't know. - You date 26 shows that you don't know. - It just scabs up. - I'm over here throwing pole at people that were going to school where segregation was still a thing. - Yeah. - You don't fucking know, but how about that, Dan? - The facts so far are correct, sure. But using basic human intelligence, I know that old ladies vaginas don't scab. - Have you ever heard anything being pruney? - Pruney, you ever pickle to pickle in a jar? - I pickle my fingers. - Pill that fucking scab back and let's get after it, bud. - I don't think that's the way she wants to hear you talking though, to be honest. - And that's Stevie Ray Vaughn, dude. He used to have scabs all over his hands and then just supergloom back on. So you can keep playing. - Cows, not scabs. - Whatever, dude. Nolan Ryan soaked his hands and pickled Ryan. - I don't think you guys really like discussing a scab is. It makes sense, though, 'cause scab is dried blood. It bleeds out of there. Eventually, it stops bleeding, it just scabs up. - It is. - Yeah, but she just stops lately. - You know, after menopause, they don't have periods, right? So what's gonna scab? - Hey. What's a menopause? (laughing) See, dude? You don't ask questions to the things you don't know? - What's the oldest one we've met? - Metapottos, a Pokemon. - 67. - 67 years old. - Good Lord. - No way. Where were you? - Wait, were you after her entire time? - My daddy and mama divorced. My daddy moved to Damon, Texas, and this little small town. And I was like 16, 17? Yeah, and she was a neighbor lady next door. She used to bring us cookies and shit all the time. - 67 years old. - What was in the cookies, Viagra? - Yeah. - I didn't eat it. I was young boy. I was young where she never did. - No, I'm just saying. She's obviously trying to get after it. - I mean, yeah, she was a good-looking old woman. - Like this woman? - She's better looking at her. - Okay. - And so, did she seem 67 and-- - No, no, no, she looked 40. - And did you see a scab anywhere? - No, no, no, no, no. She should be in prison, huh? - No, she's fine. - Where he lives, dude, I'm sure the age of consent is like four. - No, don't you say that one day and one time? - No law, I'll pedophile. - Yeah, you have female pedophiles create legends. - Legend, look at me. - Yeah. - Say it, repeat that one more time. - Say it. - Male pedophiles create trauma, but female pedophiles create legends. - I've said this on the show forever, dude. What's the age where it's okay for a dude? I said 15 years old. - I think the age of consent for men should be 12 and for women should be 21. - I lost a lot. - 12 is too young. - I lost my virginity in 12. - Shut the fuck up. What was the guy's name? - With a black guy and a Mexican woman. Yes. - Wait, I still-- - Whoa, whoa, whoa, what? You fucked a dude? - No, no, he just-- - Yeah, he just did. - No, no, no, no. - He was in the cuck chair. - No, no, he, he, my boy, it was a-- - The boy was a black and brown feller. And I stole my mama's Jeep, my grand Cherokee, and we drove it to the Laka Colonia, which is Spanish for the L colony. And we got there, and we climbed in her window, and we were drinking her shotgun rum. I'll never forget. And he let me go first, and I had no idea what I was doing. - At 12 years old. - Yeah, and I was fucking like her knee and thigh gap, but I know what I was doing. And then all of a sudden, I feel the tap of my shoulder, 'cause you let me go first, right here. You take it, do you think? I'll be in another room. And then he come, I feel the tap of my shoulder, and it's this beautiful black man, big old hard wiener. He picks her up, and they start fucking, they lean up against the drywall, and they go through it and fall into her Thea's room. And then she starts freaking out, screaming. I'm just in the back, like, we gotta leave. We gotta go. The cops are coming, we gotta go. And anyway, we drove away. We got like, we're speeding away, and I fucking wrecked my mom's. She got grounded for two summers. It was incredible. Best day of my life. - Were you able to come? - Huh? No, I didn't know it was not now. - So you don't finish what you start? That's what I'm hearing. - Well, at that time, I did not know, Dan. I did-- - I was fucking 12, dude. - Yeah, I was gonna say at 12. - And even when I came, I was just shooting, you know, I'm just blowing air at that point. - Dan, do you remember the first time you ejacked? - Yeah. - It was a scary experience for me. - Yeah, you just fucking broke something. - I was like, what the fuck is this bullshit? - Yeah, you fucking broke something. - It was an accident. And then I thought that you could just jerk off any body part to completion. So I would just try to jerk my fingers off. - Oh, man, that's dumb, dude. - Yeah, that's you. - You know what, dude, you need to start drinking again. - Yeah, that's not the behavior of a smart man. - It isn't, man. But that's something you tell to other people at the time share. I know it's not like a innocent story. - It's an innocent story. - Yeah, they'll feel bad for you and fucking maybe go an extra week on that time share. - Exactly. 'Cause that's where you make your real property. - I was doing it for weeks, too. I would like get home from school and I'd be like, all right, let's see if this happens. - You grew up with the internet, though. How did you not just look that shit up? - No, we were before the internet. - No, you weren't. - There was a chunk of my childhood that was pre-internet. Also, I wasn't into porn, that shit freaked me out. - Porn? - Yeah. - What was it? Do you remember what it was? Like, did you see something horrific? - And then that's what created it? - Someone sent me porn when I was like, eight on an AOL chat room. - Ooh. - Eight sex location, man. - Parents called the cops. - Yeah. - And I remember, even as an eight-year-old, I remember this police officer just sitting on my family computer just thinking this guy has no idea what he's doing. - No. - An eight-year-old, like, 'cause I, having a 10-year-old right now, eight's too young, like, you don't know. You don't know what the fuck that is. So that's a shocking thing to see and I understand why the police were involved. - At eight, did you know? - Yeah, well, we got the... - Eight is third grade. - Yup. - Yeah. - It was, like, eight or nine. And when we got AOL and the dial-up, I'll be downloading the shit off a lot more on an actor. - Hang up the phone. (buzzing) - One more, my dad's like, "Yo, how do we make these pictures download faster?" And I'm like, "Yeah, I don't know, I'm nine." (laughing) - Did he knew what you were doing? - Oh, yeah. Come check this out, dude, yeah. - 'Cause we had one guy who had the fastest speed in the neighborhoods. We went over to his house and his fucking mom knew and she used to pick up the phone 'cause it was through the phone. - Yeah, and they cut you, yeah. - Get off the damn phone, mom! - Yeah, exactly what she would say and she would be like, "Get off the goddamn, I know what you guys are doing." And it was like, "No, no, no, no, no." But it was hours, dude. You would wait fucking hours at that point. - Yeah. - So it was a long time. - A two minute video would take about eight hours to download. - Easily. - And I went through six family computers. Windows 98 never stood a fucking chance for the shit I was putting on it. - It didn't do. - We went through six family fucking computers. It was crazy. - Little Gates fucking sucks, man. If you really think about it, what a piece of shit. - We know. - None of it works. - There's a guy who invented pop-up ads, right? - Who's that guy? - He invented it. Bob, you look him up. He says he regrets it, but I think we should still get him to be honest, I mean. - I mean-- - Let's get him. - Do we have the guy's name? - Ethan Zuckerman. - Ethan Zuckerman. - Yeah. - Did he patent it or anything else or-- - I don't think he patented it. - No, he just invented that shit. - He apologized. - Speaking of pop-up ads, I was jerking off the other day and, you know, like before your video started, they play that ad, like there's usually a ad that comes up. - Sure, yeah. For a semen ex. - Yeah, adult women in your area, blah, blah. But the woman that pops up on the ads here recently, Madison Morgan, that's one of the blowjob trivia with. - Yeah. - And so she's like, every time I'm like, oh, I miss you. - Yeah, that's her. But that's gotta be weird for you because you know almost all these porn stars and probably have had sex with half of them. - No, I'm actually gay. (laughing) - What are you talking about? - But when you're pulling 'em up and you're seeing other people fuck 'em when you're like, I've been there, bud. I feel like she don't like that. She don't like that, yeah. - She doesn't like that. And I'm surprised you're not gonna end up with one in real life. - Now. - At the end of the day? - Nice. - Oh shit, speaking of that, did you know that Jade showed me this last night, Riley Reed wrapped for some amount of time? - Oh, shit. - It's not good. I mean, she said the N word a lot. - Oh shit. - Really? - Bob, go ahead and pull that off. - Bob, go and pull that off. (laughing) - She said it a lot, dude. I mean, it's no hard, all right. - Riley Reed? - Yeah, dude. I mean, I think maybe she figures, I've sucked so much of that dick that I can say whatever I want at this point. Maybe that's true. How long ago is this? - I went from 2019 called 8-Ball Shouty. - Yeah, it's not old. - Oh my God. - And it's real, it's not a parody? - No, it's fucking real. You'll see. - Wow, she's in it. - You'll see. She's in it. - It's just her and her fucking bedroom rapping. - I'm trying my hard work. (laughing) You gotta draw my titties one day. - You gotta draw on my titties one day. ♪ My face put that water on your mustache ♪ ♪ Pono swag, honey, geez, we duffle back ♪ ♪ Pain pussy make that dick have a heart attack ♪ ♪ Who that is, Riley Reed, with my booty fat ♪ - I've seen it up. I haven't, wait. ♪ Damn, pin bet bitch, women and the men ♪ ♪ Got the money out the flick headed to the trap ♪ ♪ Pussy getting so wet from the money stack ♪ ♪ Triple stocks, bitch, we get out of 100 pack ♪ ♪ You ain't heard what I said, nigga, run it back ♪ - Whoa, she keeps getting out. Wow, there's a lot of them. - Woo, whoa, man, I, yo, I curl up every time. - Okay, changing my mind. ♪ Eat me out, nigga, eat me out, nigga ♪ - Whoa! ♪ Beat it up, beat it out, nigga ♪ - Whoa, shit! - Is she allowed to say it 'cause she fucks black guys? - I know. - I don't know. - I don't know the rules, you know? - Technically, she's giving more reparations than any of us. - That's true, she's such a lot of dicks. - And that's... - Is it weird that I don't hate that song? - I'm hard. - I mean, I've heard worse. - I'm hard. - I've heard worse. - Remember fucking Bad Bobby? - Bad baby? - Yeah, or baddy, bad, bad baby. - You catch me outside, how about that? - Yeah, that's stupid. - Bad baby, yeah, yeah. - She had a fucking number one banger in the world, dude. - Dude, Gucci flip flops? I'm not gonna lie, that song fucking slaps out. - What I'm saying? - Gucci flip flops. - If you can get over a white woman saying the N word, oh boy, okay. - Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. - Yeah, she can say it. - She can say it. - Holy shit. - Oh, boy, dude. - What is happening? - We're going for it today. - Let's not play that on, though. - That's just the commercial. So how many black guys was she taking on at one time here? What do we got? Scroll forward, Bob, we gotta keep going. - I did, we're getting there. - Hold on. - The dancing isn't gonna do it. - Hang on, let it build, let it build. - I don't need that. - Do you need that? - I don't need the build. I don't need that. - It's coming? - Any second? - Oh, Bob. - Oh boy. - She doesn't just have an N word pass. She has a whole certification. - Yeah, she's got sub-walk forward. - That's seven dudes, it looks like. - That's seven black dudes. - That's about four and a half feet worth of cock, I think. - Looks like more than that. - Look at Dontage right now. - Oh boy. Holy shit. All right, Bob, scroll forward. I don't need to see the fucking pre-amble. - Hang on, hang on. - No, dude. No, dude. - Do you need to see this? I don't need to see the pre-amble. - All right. - Okay. - Man, it's like all pre-amble. - Now what's one, do you think there's one named Toby in there? (laughing) - I'm just curious. - I just hope she put her purse somewhere safe. (laughing) - Whoa, whoa, whoa, holy shit. - Okay. - Oh, is that anal? - No, yeah. - Oh, and then they're DP. Okay, there's DP. - Bro. - Yeah, I mean, I guess if you take-- - What is happening? - If you take this into consideration, it's probably fine. She said that. - I agree. - Yeah. - I think she's got to pass here. - Oh, that guy just spitting her mouth. - Well, I mean, you know. - Man. What if that's your daughter? It's somebody's daughter. - Somebody's in. - What is happening? - You're seeing what's happening there. That's about, I don't know, 28 inches where the dick in both holes right there, and then she's being choked at the same time. - Well, here comes the third dick. - Wait. - Yeah. - Whoa, whoa, oh, man. And there's a lady here. I apologize. - Sorry, darling. - Our listeners are here who we flew down. We didn't know this was going to happen. - I don't know what's happening. - I am so sorry. I heard your laughter and then, oh, no. - Oh, boy. - I mean, if he's done already. - To be fair, that's the weakest come of everything. - Yeah, but you guys were 18 minutes in in this video at this point, so. - Oh, are we? - Yeah, but the first 17 minutes was her dancing. - And he's litter, I mean, she's holding a fucking elephant trunk there. - I would rather watch her say the N word. - Yeah. - Oh, then this? - To be honest, is that making you uncomfortable? - Yeah. - Yeah. - I don't like watching porn in general. It's cuck behavior. - Did that stop with the sobriety thing? Like, what was it all, are you all in, or are you dry across the board on everything? - No, no, no, no. I told you, I relapsed, and then now I'm just like, you know, I don't really feel like doing much, but I will tell you that I didn't really care about getting laid when I was drinking and doing drugs. - Okay, what was the final outcome for you there? - Well, with sobriety, it's like, the validation of a woman wanting to have sex with you is a drug in itself. - It's a vice. - I can't even hear this right now. I can't. - I just can't imagine myself ever sober one time. - There's easier ways to tell me you're gay. - Yeah. - One, I guess the question is, what do you get out of drinking, right? 'Cause I'm the same no matter what. And that is true of any substance, right? You've known me for some time now. - Sure. - I don't behave differently on any substance, so it doesn't change the way I throw it. - I heard you laugh so much on my shirt. - Oh yeah, you're right, you're right, yes. But I laughed a lot on that show that we recorded in Columbus as well. Sometimes I just get in a giggly mood, you know. - Abortion Friday night lights was the main minute. - Yeah, we'll talk about abortion for 45 minutes, and I gotta plug it in. - Yeah, go ahead, dude. - Good luck. - Go and share yourself. - Wow. - Yeah, you don't need it. - No, that's what I'm saying, so what does it do for you? - Well, let me ask you this. Do you smoke weed still? Like what do you... - Not really, no. I take mushrooms and shit, but... - Gotcha, it takes the edge off from me. The edge of the day and the edge of people in general. I hate so many people. I think if I didn't drink, then I would absolutely kill. - Oh, my first three months of being sober, I questioned how I had ever gotten laid. I could not talk to women at all. There was so boring. Or people in general, but women are more boring than men. - I'll go back to just like normal everyday stuff. Like I always talk about the cyclist I wanna kill and things like that. And that's normal throughout the day. Getting in the road, and a lot of people tag me in that video, which we showed last week, with a guy who killed those cyclists in Dallas, and then rode over the guy's bike. - I didn't see that. - Love all that shit. And I think that's what keeps me balanced so that I don't wanna murder. Because every day, I could name at least three to four people that if they left this earth forever, I genuinely would not kill. - Oh, I can think of quite a few more than that. - Right. - And that's what I'm saying. So that's what drinking does for me. - But here's... - Then I won't murder and I won't kill. - Yeah, but you need to have the instinct to murder and kill and be in control of it. - Still there. Still there. So I set timers. So my first one starts on Wednesdays at 2 p.m. So that'll be the first drink of the week is like at Wednesdays at 2 p.m. And then Thursday, Friday, Saturday. Boom, try to shut it down Sunday, Monday, Tuesday. Sometimes I don't make it there, but whatever. - Also I have a murder. - I have a comparatively much less stressful life than you as well. - True. - True. - If I was running my own podcast studio, maybe I'd be drinking again. - Yeah, like a media company and then a Seltzer company and all that other shit. Sure. - You got on your plate. The final one's paperwork with the SEC isn't fun. I mean, that was a fucking grind. - Sometimes you have to dominate yourself, right? Like, I'll cuck myself. I'm not gonna let my own instincts get ahead of me. - Is that you're gonna be with the fucker dude? - Yeah, maybe, maybe it is. - You're gonna have to be around like an angle. - I'm not gonna have like, well, I mean, we all have instincts that sometimes spill over into inappropriate things, right? Like you get too angry. You get too sad about something, whatever, right? That happens to everybody. But I'll be goddamned if I'm gonna have to use something to stop that from happening. No, that's my job, right? - Sure. - Otherwise you're cuckin' yourself with fuckin' medications and all this fuckin' gay bullshit. I'm not doing that. - Right, right. - Like I take drugs to amplify your life. Take us, drink booze to amplify your life. But don't ever do it to fuckin'-- - Suppress. - To suppress anything. That's a mistake. - See, I'm a high energy guy and I start up here every single day no matter what. So like, that'll at least bring me down to an even keel. Has anybody had sex in that bathroom? - Yes. Multiple times. - I have. - Yeah. Oh, who'd you fuck back there? - The one from Miami, when we used to do the podcast dance? - So there was a lot of questions of whether she was a dude or not. (laughing) No. Wait, who? - Bella Scorpion, the one from Miami. - Yep. I don't remember who that is. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. If you pull her up, pull Bella Scorpion. There was a question of whether or not she used to be a dude and then switched. - Did you hurt that? - Did you, that's why I'm against plastic surgery. I think fake tips to be illegal. 'Cause they're just going for that same look as the video. - That's her. - Did you? - Yes. - Did you tip? - What does that mean? - Like we have a crew that comes and cleans this place. You leave 'em at times. - Yeah. - You leave 'em some money on the counter. - You've lasted a common blood all over our goddamn bathroom. Did you tip 'em? - Oh, shit, I thought Gary was... I thought that's what Gary was doing. - No, Gary doesn't do it anymore. - No, Gary doesn't do it anymore. - So is this used to be a dude or just a woman all the way around? - I don't know what you're saying. - She's scabbed up? I don't know what you're saying. - A lot of people asked that night whether or not this was a dude and I said, I don't know, we'll have to look it up. - You're thinking of a different woman. - Are you sure? - Yeah, you're thinking of a different woman. You're thinking of Brit. - You're thinking of Megatron. - Oh, you're thinking of Megatron, yeah. - But you fucked Megatron, right? - At least. - Don't put my fucking business out there, dude. - That's fine. - I'm kidding. - Megatron was on the show too, right? - Yes. - Yeah. Pull up Megatron then. Let's see this one. Do you know she had a dick? - She did not have a dick. I don't know what you're all talking about. - At some point in her life she did. - Yeah, I like fucking chicks. It kind of looked like dudes a little bit of-- - I'm not into that. That's not my-- - Well, here's a-- - That's cool, that's cool. - You know what Andrew Tate said? And I guess it's worth debating. I don't know if it is or not, actually. He said, this is the conversation you're having in this debate. Who's the hottest girl in the world, you? - Megatron. - My wife. - No. - My wife. - And then city Sweden's number two. - Okay, city Sweden's number two. - I also pick Ross's wife's number two. (laughing) - So, Sydney Sweeney with a dick, or Hulk Hogan with a fucking pussy. Right, that's essentially what he said. - Hi, if you changed it to Randy Savage. - Yeah, I'm in. - I'm in. - No, I'm in. - Yeah, Hulk Hogan. - Let's fuck it. - What a giant. - Well, that's what I-- - That's what I-- - That time, yeah. - And that's what it's saying. Like a really manly looking but actual female, gross looking female, or a hot looking dude. - Yeah, but Megatron. - I fucked up in Thailand. - Meg is big, I don't think Meg is gorgeous, I don't think she-- - That's how I fucked up in Thailand, 'cause I was an ugly chick. So I was like, she's definitely a woman. Turns out I just banged an ugly dude. - What about hair on legs? - That's weird. - That's not a fan. - I can't do it. So I dropped my kid off. It's the summer time, obviously, kids are out of school. And then they have these little camps once a week. And it's essentially to make sure your kids are busy all day. - You know who else had camps? - Sitting around, who? Oh shit. Hitler. - Goddamn. - Had one. - Concentration camps. - Camps? - Yeah. - A different camp. - Okay. - Little less gas. - You're not sending your kid to the concert. - No, he does wear little shoes, but a different camp altogether. - At least you gotta pull it together both of you. - You know there's no evidence that gas chambers ever exist. - That's the dumbest shit I've ever heard of. - That's Eli. - And what? - Please don't do that, dad. - Dude, what? Are you a Holocaust denier? - You think the earth's flat now? - I've seen how Jews do accounting. You say they inflated the numbers on the books? I mean, that's kind of what they do. - Unfortunately for them, the Germans are really good record keepers. - Yeah. - What's that guy's name? - IBM, there's some more booze? - No. - Grab it? - Yeah. - This one's the fridge. - This one always. - What are you doing? What the fuck's going on here? - Dan, what do you think of the Anunnaki? - Jade loves that shit. - Jade, you like the Anunnaki? - The fucking giants. - I knew I was fucking like you, dude. I'm real. - I'm real. - I mean, like-- - No, like, that's true. - I know, I know, but it's like-- - It makes sense, though, to some extent. - Some of this stuff does. We were looking at, 'cause these assholes vandalized Stonehenge. - Yeah. - And then I just, you know, go down a rabbit hole, looking into how it was built and shit like that. It turns out that Stonehen, some of the stones, some of the blue stones from Stonehenge were actually at another site in Wales, like 300 years before, and they moved 'em. But it's the only large rock structure where objects were moved over 20 kilometers anywhere in Europe, right? Now you can make the same case about the pyramid blocks and stuff like that, but how the fuck did they get these like four ton, or 4,000 ton stones? - Across. - I think it was like 200 miles, something like that, if I'm not mistaken, maybe 140. - And that's across water, right, too, right? - Well, the water, no, no. Wales can take it was there. So it would be, I think the prevailing theory is that they put a bunch of logs on the ground and then-- - And roll 'em. - And then rolled 'em and then the slaves would move 'em. Like, there's no fucking way to happen. - But there's also nothing to do in Wales that was like, hey dude, just keep movin' the shit, we don't care. - No, I mean, I'm not saying the slow down roads are doin' anything over there. - You can get a lot of shit done with slaves, right? - Oh, we talk-- - There's no question about that. - I don't see 'em. - But-- - Also, everything was powered by pyramids back then. The pyramids are giant power generators. - Well, that's the other thing-- - That's the other thing. It's like, there had to be something else goin' on there. She talks about, what is it, sand levitation or whatever the fuck that's a theory. - Well, remember the shaman from J6? We had 'em on the show. - Late lines, yeah. - Yeah, yeah. - He talks about the fuckin' late lines on the show. Do you believe in that? - How everything all the pyramids match up on the coordinates, like, late line lines. - And then the Freemasons, when they built Philadelphia in Washington, D.C., London, and a bunch of other places, all the buildings, they call them rose lines in London because they're the prime meridian, but they're all, you can't question whether or not they're built on them or not, right? - No, 'cause they are. - 'Cause they did that, but whether they're, it's a real thing or not, you could question, I guess, but I don't know it's weird, I don't believe, in no way do I believe that they put 'em on logs and rolled them for 200 fuckin' miles. - That's a lot. - It wouldn't take you 100 years to do that shit. - But they also were bored of shit 'cause there's nothing going on there, so maybe they just took their time 'cause they had nothing else to do. - I think the Welsh were fighting off the Scandinavians. - That's good fight though, it's no rush. - Well, I mean, but it's the only country that didn't get fucked with by the Scandinavians. Everybody else, like, England, from Norway to England, they fucked them up, and 1066, I think, something like that. Well, Wales, I think it's the only country that's never been invaded. - Yet, I mean, it's been invaded now. - Yeah, but not the same way. - It's the mulliness. - Speaking of that, you know, Victor Orban, the Hungarian Prime Minister, he said that Germany smells different now because of the immigration. - Sure did, so we said when you walk through Germany, it's fuckin' stinks is what he's sayin' there. But for you, do you really deny the Holocaust? - No, I don't think that it didn't happen. - Okay. - I just question everything, especially when it's being shoved down the throats of American students for less. - You should, what's one thing that you're positive of that didn't happen? - 9/11 was done by terrorists. - Well, 9/11 was done by Saudi Arabia. By the way, Saudi Arabia, now we're mad at them, apparently. - I think the Jews did that, too. What about the dancing Israelis? - What do you mean? - There's a bunch of Israelis that were dancing and partying when the Twin Towers got hit. - What do you mean by the Jews? - Yeah, I think-- - Yeah, he keeps that's very far away. - You mean the Israeli Prime Minister, or their war cabinet, or who, exactly-- - You're right, the Jews as racists, the Jews don't control everything. - Some Jews control everything. - Yeah, but I mean, that's not racist today. - Some white people do, too, you know? So that's kind of a, that's a big group to lump in there. But what's one event that you're positive that did not happen? - Helen Keller was never-- - Oh boy. - She's a fraud, 100%. - Oh my God, they're really-- - There's no way. - Also, I don't think pandas exist. I think they're all painted bears. (laughing) - There's none of them in the wild. - It's Chinese people in suits. - That's all it is. - That's what Jesus is. - Yeah, that's all it is. - That actually happened. There was a zoo in China, and they found out one of the exhibits was a guy in a pandas suit, and they were like, what's the book? - Yeah, but Helen Keller, so, couldn't speak, couldn't hear, right, couldn't talk. - She flew a plane? - Obviously. - She's deaf, dumb, mute. Forget about that for a second. - She wrote a diary? - She sure did. - Well, that was Anne Frank, but let's-- - That's fine, she wrote one too, yeah. - There's no way, you would have, if you couldn't speak here or talk, you would have no concept of language. As a concept language would mean nothing to you, right? It would be like trying to talk to a goddamn dog. No, like, I'm not trying to be rude to her, and I think she was all fucked up, but it would be trying to talk to a dog. You couldn't grab your dog's paw and sign water under it, and he's like, oh, whoo, whoo, water! No, man, that'll never happen. And then fly in fucking planes and shit, like fuck off. - She's an amazing person. - And she was a woman. - Yeah, fair enough, yeah. But enough dumb people believe the initial story, they're like, oh yeah, Anne, she flew a fucking airplane. Like, why don't you just go out and back and fucking blow your brains out now, dude, because I can't take this anymore. - I think she actually did 9/11. - I think flying is so easy that if you just put the stick in her hands, she probably kept it a float for, I don't know, 50 miles. - My daddy's similar on his lap, let me drive the car when I was sick. - Yes, yeah, but you've got eyeballs that fucking fuck should, dude. Bob, tell him about 9/11. - Bob. - There were lives lost on 9/11 directly caused by Helen Keller. - Helen Keller, yes. - The Helen Keller Society was based in the Twin Towers. - That's true. So that is true. So when the towers went down, we lost all of our knowledge of Helen Keller. And some people said 9/11 was to kill the image of Helen Keller. - Hell 9/11. - We also lost Santa's bones in 9/11. - Yeah. - Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Why were Santa's bones inside the Twin Towers? - They were in the St. Nicholas church right next to it in the altar. - Did we lose that church too? - Yeah, it was destroyed, it was a relic. - Nobody ever talks about that. - At some point, there was a corpse sniffing dog that worked for the NYPD walking around the site and they smelled Santa's ancient bones. - No fucking way, dude. God damn, that's wild. We had a dude on here from, who was it, Tim Pool's show? He was a security guard. - 9/11. - He ain't crossing. - Yeah, you know he ain't crossing, don't you? - He was a security guard at 9/11, so he had to watch them take the wreckage and do all the shit and get it out of there and everything. And I was like, "God damn, what a job." And he goes, "Yeah." He was like, "You don't want to do it for four months at a time, 'cause you were seeing so much fucked up shit." - What do you mean by that? You can only stay hard for so long? - I guess so. - Yeah, every four bunches of another terrorist attack? What do you mean? - No, they were telling 12-hour shifts and you're worried about the chemicals and everything else inside you. - He started working there after the attack? - Correct. - Yeah, like a week later, he was on the cleanup crew so he sat security to make sure- - I thought you were just security for the Twin Towers and then that happened. - No. - Now he punched the plane in the face and then got out. - If you were security that day, yeah your chances are you're not gonna job again. You know? - What do you expect a guy with a fucking whistle to do? - Exactly. - He's got a rape whistle and it's a plane flying into a building. What's he supposed to do? - Stop, stop, stop. - Hey, but what if I remember that like when it all, what if a report were like, before like the plane hit the fucking tower, like people on their cell phones calling their loved ones saying like, "Hey, we're about to die?" I've never been able to call from a plane now. - Well and see, this is the one that went down in Pennsylvania. - It's been the real, right? - Yeah, so it was like, if it's low enough- - I guess, yeah, you got it, sir. Dude, you got to think that's 2001. You had fucking Nokia bricks and Motorola- - It's not that. - So they were attached to the back of the seat and you could pull it out of the back of the seat and make a call. - Oh, it's not a cell phone, it's a fucking- - Correct. So all of them were swiping credit cards, getting the phone out, and then that's why there's so many conversations. - Left their family with a credit card bill. - It sure did. - It took a piece of shit. - Yeah, more debt. And they said, "Hey, this call, this last call is worth." - Just saying, man, that's kind of selfish to me. 'Cause you want to say goodbye? Now I got to pay 40 bucks for this phone call? - Collect call coming from. - Yeah, oh, nine, 11. Do you think there were any like, well, nine, 11 would have meant nothing to them at that point, right? But do you think there was anybody on the plane trying to make a call, collect call or something like that? And the receiver was like, fuck no, I'm not taking this asshole's call. - Or- - You don't hear that sort 'cause nobody would ever say that shit in public. - What if you didn't answer? What if your wife and kids were calling you and you didn't answer the phone, you were jogging or something? - Yeah, I mean, if you were on a treadmill and you were like- - If you were a soldier, it was probably getting, your wife's probably getting drilled that whole time. - Wow. - Feel jar hits in area. - God. - It's a- - You're a hunter. - It's all Jody. Jody's making a house call, you know? - Hey, Jody's a good guy. - I watched- - I was in his video about being a Jody, dude. He's a good guy. - Yeah. I watched a doc last night. - Wait, you were Jody. - I was Jody. - No, you're not a good man. - Yeah, you're a terrible person though. - Were you? - I was in Matt Best video in Jody. - No, no, no, no. I know, but in real life, you were probably Jody. - Oh, no, I was. - At some point? - No, no, no. - Come on. (laughs) It was the fucking lie. - Nah, it went really well. - I watched a doc last night. My wife and Joel and them are shooting crime corner later, and it was the girl who faked a kidnapping for 22 days and burned herself, but her first marriage, she had cheated on her husband in the military, and then she had gotten together with this guy, who she was cheating on and everything else, and then goes back to a guy from 20 years before, and she wanted to make it look as fucked up as possible. Hollow it would have written. So the guy used to play hockey, and home girl was like, hey, I want you to check me in the face, like one of your hockey buddies. And so this dude would just take this hockey stick. - If you can't tell that's a setup, then you belong in jail. - No, yeah. - He was fine with it. She wanted to get away from the husband for a little while. The only thing that it's like, and I'm sure this guy was disgusted was whether or not she was doing it to get famous, but branding yourself is a whole new fucking level. I mean, when you're asking somebody to burn shit into your body to make it look like you're kidnapped, I say don't give him any jail time at that point. 'Cause Bravo, like you did that to yourself, you know? She got hit with hockey pucks off the ground, so like imagine one of these on the ground, and then she stood against the wall. - So it was like happy fucking Gilmore then. - Yeah. - She's just standing in a batting cage, getting hit. - I had 365 days the next year's hockey trials. - Jesus fucking Christ. - Did they have music playing? - Was there a TV on in the background? I'm trying to name it. - It's probably the music for a deliverance. - Yeah, but here's the thing, like she wanted to have the windows boarded up at this guy's place. So she wanted to feel like a real fucking prisoner too. Hey, she's a method actor. - Is that Stockholm syndrome? - No, she's a method actor. - No, no Stockholm, no nothing. This was on her. - She never actually got kidnapped. - She never got kidnapped after all. - That's just four playboys, what are we talking about? - No, the guy didn't get to fuck her, so like that was the other part, was like the guy never had sex with her, so they let him go, they were like, "Hey dude, so she just talked to you into this?" And he was like, "Yeah, you know, she wanted to do this "every single day after I got home from work." And they were like, "How long did you work?" And he was like, "I don't know, 10, 12 hours a day, "and then I'd come home and hit her with fucking hockey, "hockey pucks, and sticks, and all that shit." And then I would brand her. - Canadians are weird, dude. - I think she might have been-- - No, no thing. - Either Canada or the Dakotas or Minnesota. That's the only pop, maybe Maine. Those are the only places, maybe, I guess Michigan maybe too. There's not a whole lot of places in the world that could have happened. - I agree. - That sounds like a German thing. - I've had a woman who wanted me to hit her with a bull. - German's a play hockey. - With a bullwhip? - With a cracker with a bullwhip. - Russian, maybe. - How did it work out? - A cracker asked with a bullwhip. - Did she bleed, though? - Fuck, yeah, you ever hit with a bullwhip? - No. - Oh, buddy. - Yeah, never starting Indiana Jones. (laughing) - It's the only time you hit a bullwhip, really. - Well, the point of the bullwhip is never to make actual contact with somebody, just for the noise, right? Like, he used the noise to guide the bull around. No, I've not. - It's fucking incredible. - It's exhilarating. - I bet it's awesome to have people in the fucking face, laser. - Well, let me ask you then, so what's cooler, though, because that seems easy. I'm sure you've had some easy kills, where you're like, eh, who gives a shit, right? What's for lunch? - No, it feels good every single time, bud. - I'm sure there's one that's better, though. - It's flush, like hitting a home run. - I'm sure there's one that's better. - You don't even feel the contact, boy. - Hey, there he is, yeah. (laughing) - It's true. (laughing) - Now, the only thing about hitting somebody with a bullwhip, like after you gotta ask them, hey, are you okay? - And what was the answer? - The answer's no. - Hit me again. - Oh boy. - Well, see, they're from Maine. - Mm. - Oh, okay. - So she said it in, like, a shitty Boston accent. - Yeah. - There's not a lot going on up there. - Hey, they're bored. - Pull up that girl, Bob. Fuck, what was her last name? She had blonde hair. - That should be enough. - Yeah, you're good. Type in, like, hot blondes who fake kidnapping for, like, 32 days, or whatever it was. - What are you talking about? - Sherry Papini. - That's it. - Sherry Papini, we watched that. - Oh, damn, she's so kind of an Italian. - Is she hot? - No. - She's pretty hot, honestly. Like, I would. - I mean, it's not bad. She's not bad. - She looks like a fucking child. - With a woman's haircut. - And that's what I said last night. - That's creepy as shit. - But looking at her, would this be the girl, and this is why everything was tough, was like, would this be the girl that you would say, hey, hit me in the face with a fucking hockey stick? - I mean, not if I just saw a picture of her, but I guarantee if I was around her for five minutes, I would pick up on the fact that she likes to get hit in the face with hockey pucks, yes. And if you can't pick up on that fact, you need to go to school somewhere and figure this shit out before you go out into the dating scene. Otherwise, you're gonna end up like that guy, right? - I think it's small town syndrome. - I'm doing fucking great. - What do you mean? - No, you're not, bud. - What do you mean? - If you're hitting somebody with a bull whip and they're asking for seconds, you're not doing great. - I think he's doing better than the rest of the world. - It'd be fucking impolite not to hit him again, Dan. - Oh, I'll concede that part. - The fact that it exists in the first place is my issue. - We're getting some weird spots, weird places. I've never, I've never jotted someone, but I do remember this when we were talking about it. There was a woman that I met in Ohio and her husband was paralyzed. Like, quad's pleasing from doing his shit in Afghanistan. - Full fucking quad? - Full quad, all the way down, you know. And I met her at a bar one night and she said, "Oh, you should come home with me, blah, blah." She's like, "I just gotta let you know I got a husband. "Stay and kill him for the kid, blah, blah, blah." And I walk in, he's like sitting in the table reading newspaper or whatever. And this little, this thing pin up where he could read the newspaper. And he goes, "Take your shoes off at the door." And I took my boots off. And then when we like, we'd sat in our bedroom and, you know, got into it or whatever. And then she goes, "Hey, go to the refrigerator. "There's a carrot in there, bring that carrot in here." And I was like, "That's a very strange quest, "but when did that?" - How big was the carrot? - I mean, this wasn't old baby carrot. - Okay. - He had the whole full head of stock on the back end. - Sure. - And went in there, she said, "Put that in my asshole." And I said, "Oh, right." And then I'm like, "Waller that little carrot "out in her butthole." And then we went to bed. I just threw the carrot on the ground and-- - Did it grow other carrots? - No. - 'Cause it's been fertilized now. - At about seven in the morning, when the sun was peeking through the window, I remember hearing a crunching sound. - Oh, no. - We went over to that slate. And for the bed, I could see somebody and it was that old boy in that wheelchair. - Did he fucking run over the carrot? Now he was eating it? - Their seven-year-old son was eating that carrot on that boy's lap. And he goes, "I told you to take his shoes off at the door." And I climbed out the window. I've never seen him before. (laughing) - The very, very strange situation. - Shut the fuck up. - It's a good thing you didn't take your shoes off. - The old field, and that was in Ohio. And yeah, yeah. - Wait, laser, I tried to tell Ross about this the other day. Can you tell the story about the dude that came to your show with his side chick? - Well, there's a lot. - Oh shit. - Because I think that's a thing with you where there's other dudes that are such a fan of yours that just want you to fuck their wives and/or girlfriends in front of them. - That happens all the time. I got a face for Cuckoldie. - Well, with the fucking wheelchair guy, did he wait outside the room? Like, was he rolled out? - Yeah, I mean, he was at the kids' table. And we was doing our thing and then we went to sleep and then I woke up and I hear that crunching and their little seven-year-old son is sitting on his lap eating that carrot. And I'm just-- - Where were your shoes at this point? 'Cause he was complaining about you not taking them off. Do you have mons? - They're still at the door? - They're in the bedroom. - Okay. - They were in there, okay. - Yeah, it's probably a good idea to keep an eye on all your possessions when anything that you just said is happening. - My God, dude. - That wasn't even the weirdest thing. - Okay, yeah. - The Amish, speaking of Cuckoldie, when I got to Ohio-- - There is Amish. - There's a lot of, and I never seen it before, but when I used to go there, I would always wear my cowboy hat out at the bars. And a lot of the boys at work was like, hey, don't do that, it's a big union community up here. They hate that boys from Texas and Louisiana are here taking their jobs. But none of them boys could pass a drug test. They all strung out on meth. So they told me when you go out to bars, you're probably gonna find me in the cowboy hat, but also be wary. There'll be some elder gentlemen in Amish attire that will come to you and they'll offer you some money to go have sex with someone in their community to broaden the gene pool. - Oh, that's real. - Is that real? - Yeah, that's 100% real. - Let me tell you something, how real it is. - They also try to get you to stay sometimes. - Yeah, it was a boy, and I'm not gonna say his name just 'cause I don't, you know, a family situation. There was a boy from Lafayette, Louisiana that I worked with, he was a driller. And I got offered one night to go, they gave me $800 to come back to their facility or their land and have sex with one. I said, well, how does all this work? And they go, well, there'll be a woman, there'll be a sheet over her cover and just be her legs. And you can only imagine, you know, she had a bush. And you just, they watch you two completion. I was like, you guys are cucks. I'm out, but my boy, from Louisiana, he went and did it. That was Tuesday morning, or Tuesday morning, we got to work, we working on ice shifts. He went there, he didn't show back up for work on Wednesday or Thursday. They called all the prisons, they called all the hospitals like we do when someone's missing. - Sure. - To this day, he had three kids and a wife back home, Louisiana, to this day, there's still a missing person's report out for him. He went to go do that and never came back. - Yeah, like "Wicker Man", remember that fucking shitty Nicholas Cage movie? That's the pretense for it. They go around hunting for dudes, the hot girls from the community go hunt for hot dudes and bring it back to the thing. - But these were four old men, though. - Sure, yeah. - And they just for $800, day either one, hit him over there with a shovel, 'cause they didn't have 800 shekels, or two, he's like, you know what, I kinda like it here. - So do you think he's alive or dead? - I think he's dead, to be quite frank. - And they just walked in on the wrong switch that day? - I just think they just want him to, they didn't have the $800 of pain. - I think we need to head back down there and use you as bait. - Yeah. - I've got an air tag on you or something, and then I'll come in, don't worry, you're not gonna get hurt. - Would you be okay with a bunch of fucking your own kids, like out there in the world in an Amish community? Or would you wanna see 'em? Would you wanna die? - Yeah, I gotta pay Charles for it. - No. - No. - Okay, so you'd be fine with it. - I mean, that's a good life. - Yeah. - Yeah. - Hard, but like better than life, we're gonna give our kids probably, right? - Yeah, right. - I mean, I'm just saying for simple people. - Growing up with fucking social media and all that gay shit. - It's true, dude, 'cause there's communities now that are going fully off the grid, a lot of them. And they're starting to pop up where they're creating their own. I mean, that one, the Silicon Valley guys who pulled all their money together, and they're bought all that land. - He's built a city, yeah. - Yep. - They're building that city right now. - It's not a town. - Really, it's not a city. It's intentionally a town and not a city. - Correct, but everybody's gotta do a job. So like, if you own the pizzeria in town, you're the fucking guy and you do that. - Yeah, I'm gonna build one of these. - Yeah, that's called, it's-- - When we sell this booze company, that's what I'm doing. - We're building-- - We're building an autonomous town. - And it's, are you going no electronic devices? - No, they can, people can have whatever they want. We'll have an energy grid, you need one. People die if there's not energy. That's stupid. - Okay. - To go off grid. There's no such thing as off grid anyways. There's ISR in the sky. Fuck off, man. - What's ISR? - Surveillance. - Yeah. - Right, there's satellites everywhere. There's no such thing as off the grid. - Well, if you put a bunch of mirrors up. - It's true. And then I think you're good, dude. - Jesus Christ. - Just put them on the house. - You're gonna reflect the sun out and die from lack of vitamin D. - Yeah, you're gonna catch that. I think you're good. - No, think it through. - We'll die. - But Jesse's brother is in that-- - This is a goddamn biodome. - Is in that sitch right now. They have no-- - No, that's yours. You're a good friend of mine. - Yeah, well, Izzy. - Yeah, I'll get a friend. - I think he wants to have sex with me, but I don't know. I don't know. - That's a pretty good friend. - He keeps sending me Bruce Springsteen videos on YouTube. Nonstop, I've got about eight of them. I said, "We get it, dude." Chill boss. - Little, little, glorious. - And that's just kind of letting you know, "Hey, I wanna fuck." - Son of a bitch. - Glory days. - Yeah, but my wife's brother married into that sitch and they're in Tennessee, so they do have electricity, but the whole family lives on a, you know-- - It's like Jared's house. - Yeah, yeah. - But they don't have televisions, they don't have radios-- - That I don't care about. Like, I'm not ever gonna tell somebody what they can and can't do, but solar energy to whatever degree it's possible probably would be a good thing and well water. Those are the two that end, grow your own food and meet. - What about a bunch of hamsters on wheels? - I think that's a fun-- - That to me, that to me is kind of slavery, to be honest. - What if it's just water banks, like with a fucking-- - Hydroelectricity? - Or-- - But that's, it's not very-- - If you live by a river? - No, but it's not very efficient, you know what I mean? - But it's-- - The yield of electricity is really low. - If you kept them alive for sexual fetishes, like that would be fine. - The hamsters? - Yeah. - It's provided they sign a consent form, sure. - Obviously. - Maybe we can talk to the chipmunks that Tim Hudson's in charge of, so-- - I'd love to have an answer. - Remember Tim Hudson, the baseball player for the Braves back in the day, Oakland and the Braves? He runs a charity that rehabilitates strong out chipmunks. - Yep, and Fettomines. - What? - Yeah. - Like they've been-- - Fettomine and Fettomine specific. - So there's 136,000 chipmunks in the state of Georgia that are rehabilitated, they're no longer on methamphetamine and it's from Tim-- - And that's why he actually moved that talk. - There he is right there. - That's why he moved back to Auburn, where he walked. - Chipmunks, yeah. - Show the picture from the Braves. - How did they get our drugs in the first place? - From the Braves, not the-- - I think it was runoff, water, from pharmacy. - Yeah. - Where is that river? Let's go. - Yeah, I just go to go fucking live there. - It's the Chattahoochee River in Georgia there, and there's Tim Hudson, so like-- - He's a great picture, too. - Great picture, too. - Yeah, he's great, yeah. - But he's gonna do, too, we hung out a couple of times. - A greater person, man, because of all those chipmunks that he freed down in Georgia. - Yeah, well, he didn't free them. - We got him up, man. - He just helped them rehabilitate them. - But to be honest, we didn't know what the chipmunks are up to now. They could be running some kind of fucking organized white supremacist malicious role. - And they probably are. What's that, bum? - I think he did free them, in a way. - I did, too. - I mean, he freed them from drug addiction. - Yeah. - Yeah. - And you're a Brace fan, right? - Oh, yeah. - There's like the hair on Tubman of Worlds. - That's Spencer Strider, that boy throws gas. - Oh, yeah, that's why he fucking stabbed his elbow. - I know he's hurt, but goddamn that boy throws off his elbow. - He'll be retired before he's 30. - You think so? - Yep. - Easily. - This is a second TJ. Nobody comes back from a third. And he didn't get a full TJ, but his UCLs fucked up. Like, he'll pitch, he'll come back next season and pitch four or five years and he'll be done after that. - Like, it's not from the actual velocity of the piece from the curve balls and shit, right? - No, it's velocity. - It's velocity, I thought it was a snap of like a breaking pitch that doesn't-- - No, that's a myth. - Did you play ball? - Yeah. - Yeah. - You ever thrown too hard and you almost threw out your arm? - No, you feel that snap on the outside there? - Well, TJ is this one. It's the inside. - Yes, the UCL, the ulnar collateral ligament right there. And what really happens is the reason people thought it was a curve ball before is because it gets up on top of your bone here and it frays over time and then it'll either spring out or it'll fucking rip and tire it, right? - I didn't, yeah. - But it turns out it's just throwing every ball as hard as you can. - So through submarine style. - Oh, that TJ said for real, I threw from my gun. That boy from the Oakland A, he's back at night. What was the name? - Well, there was a guy from the Braves, Gene Garber used to throw like that, too. - Was it Tim Wakefield or-- - Oh, yeah. - No, Tim Wakefield. - It's also a knuckleball pitcher. - Knuckleball or-- - Knuckleball pitcher. - What are you talking about? - I just throw a side wind in. - When I was pitch, when I was in baseball, I throw from way down. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. A little side winder. - You're talking about Chad Bradford? - Chad Bradford, yeah, yeah, yeah. - Say that word again? - Proximity. - There it is. Nailed it. - Proximity. - We got two people on the same side of the set that can't speak English. - Ah, it's fine. - And all he talks about to go to the musical. - Let's do them on killer. - But that's what America is, dude. We got a bunch of people who don't speak English. - And then one guy that's angry at Jews. - Exactly. - Dude, the Holocaust happened. - We keep letting these Mexicans in. We're going to be singing the Star-Spangled Beaner. You know what I mean? (laughing) - Wow, did I know Gary Faust read just for you now? - There it is. - There we go. - Little Mexican music there to close out the show. Look, you guys have both been on before, you've given out drinking bros of the week. Who do we got back there who hasn't been on? I know there was a guy who was too shy last time. It wouldn't come up. - Come on up, man. - Come on up, dude. Come on up, you. I'm looking at you. Yes. Yep. Stop looking at his phone. Come on up. You were a little too shy. Yes. - Yes, yes. - We'll start with you and then we'll go to you next, all right? Come on down. Come on down. There we go. What's up, Mike, about an inch from your face, friend. Welcome to drink it, bro. It's weird to know. - What the show does? These Friday shows are always super weird. Everybody comes in and gets fucking rocked and then there's fucking Lucy and all kinds of crazy shit on the-- - Dude, this show today was fucking wild. Pretty fucking funny, not gonna lie. - Yeah. - You guys had to take this shit to the next level, huh? - Well, you know, you never know what happens here. - Fuckin' right away. - So everybody get married. Clayton Myers. - Clayton Myers. I'd like to give drink of brother week, too. - Eddie Rusk, my buddy in Tulsa, Oklahoma. - Dude, he's my fucking day one homie and dude, we fucking love you guys. He's the one that showed me you guys, for sure. - Oh, no way. - Couple years ago, yeah. - Awesome. - I'm the dude that fucking moved a couple miles down the road. - Yes. - Living in Houston. - Yes, dude. You're down by the Y, right? - Yeah. - Where the construction is. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, kill. - Right over there. - Yeah, you're right over there. - Are there neighborhoods or is all condos over there? - No. - No. - There's a neighborhood. - Yeah, it's right over the fucking hill. - I always just, like, white knuckle of the fucking steering wheel, angry driving through there. So I'm not taking rights or left. I just want to get the fuck out of it. - It's not bad. It's right where that good will is. You just take a right and just fucking, you go right up on that fucking hill right there. - Oh, shit. Okay. - I can actually cut out the other side of the neighborhood. It's like literally like, I'm probably like a mile away from here. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Once you get right into 90. - Yeah. - If that even. - So. - Easily. And the guy that was with you, what's his name? - I just met all these people, man, honestly. - There it is. All right. Come on. There it is. Come on up. - Cheers. We love you too. There it is. There it is. - There we go. - Here's the music that I need, dude. - Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. - Yeah. - I'm going to put it right there. What's your name, sir? - Michael Vennie. - Michael Vennie. How fucked up are you right now? - Oh, I'm on. Five. - I knew it, dude. There's a look in your eye right now where you're like, "Man, should I just steal a car?" Or should I go home? I love it, dude. Who'd you like to keep drinking brother weekly? - I'd like to give it to my brother-in-law sitting right over there. - Oh, shit. - Yep. Came out here. He's never heard you guys ever before. - You're kidding. - I was like, "Damn." - I was the first day you heard this shit. - Yeah. But I told him I was like, "I want to come here and I want to listen to you guys." - Goddamn. What a day to be here. That's the thing is like we don't have the, like a guest list in advance online or anything like that. It's going to show up. Whoever it is, it is. - Yeah. - And it's always a surprise. - Yeah. - And today's the day you came with Uncle Lazer. - Right. Yep. I was excited to see that too. I was like, "Oh, geez." - That's awesome. How long you been listening to the show? - A little over a year. I don't know a year and a half about something like that. - Okay. Well, cheers. Thanks, man. And grab some hard AF seltzer. You're on five. Try to, try to get to that, what is it, 14? Did that guy break the record that night too? - Yeah. - I think so, because I think he fucking threw up the parking lot. - That's what I think happened too. I don't think he got the credit for it. - He got to keep them all down. - Yeah. So I think the record is still 13 to this day. And if you want to go ahead and try to break it, feel free. - All right. Feel free. - Well, I don't know if I'll be able to get that far. It's funny. I've never seen it this, you guys is like live. - Yeah. - I've only ever listened to you guys. So I thought when I seen your bed as a picture, I thought you guys were reversed. - Oh, on the other side of the desk? Really? - Yeah. I thought you were him and he was you. - Oh, because you're just listening to the voices. - Because I've only listened. - Yes, I've only listened. - God, I got it. - So I got it. - That's wild. - I must have been jarring for you. - Yeah. It was something different. I was like, whoa. That was not expecting that. - It must have been jarring for sure. - Yeah. - Yeah, totally different people all the way around. - Yeah. But only ever seen your guys' pictures, I got your bro box. I just got my shirt in. - Fuck yeah, dude. Maybe you'll be in it. Do we know what we're doing next month? - Yeah. Are we going to Chili's? Somebody was saying Chili's? - Oh, we're not. I don't think there's a trip for next month. No. - Okay. - No, I think the next one will be for football, actually. - Oh, yes. Yeah. You want to give away tickets or something like that? - For the Illinois game, I think. - That'd be great. Yeah. - Because it's week zero. - It is week zero. - No, it's very rare that casuals get to go to week zero games. Unless it's in your fucking city, which is rare for most big schools, right? - It is, yeah. So I think the Illinois game, I believe, is August 27th. And then the-- - Yeah, so we'll do that when August is Brobox. So by, essentially, if you're signed up for the Brobox by July 17th. - Okay. Great. You're good to go. - Great. That'll be fun because that's the first time we're doing 16-ounce cans of these. So like the 16-ounce cans of hard A.F. Seltzer are just going to get people absolutely fucking destroyed. - Yeah. - So I'm amped about it. Even Dan and I haven't-- we've sampled the flavor, but we've never had the full 16-ounce can yet, because they're making them as we speak. So yeah, that's going to get wild. Holy shit. That'll be a fun trip. I'm excited about that. That's a great idea. That's a great idea. Anybody else back there? There's a ton of people in the studio. Obviously, if you have a fucking real job, don't get fired. He was on yesterday. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, you're good. I understand that. Especially this. You got a guy up here denying the Holocaust and shit. You don't want to be on this fucking show. You don't want to be on camera. - He was just concerned about the accounting. - That's all he was. That's all he was. There's always one, dude. There's always one Jews fucking rule the world guy, and you're like, I don't really get it. You know? I don't really get that about Eli. That doesn't make sense to me. Appreciate you tuning in, kids. Go to iTunes. Rate the show 5-star and leave a quick review. Also, head on over to Spotify. It's just a 5-star, and you can walk away. For Dampenade Anthony Holloway, I'm Ross Patterson. This is the Drinking Bros podcast. Good night everyone. [music], and thanks for watching. [music], and thanks for watching. (upbeat music) [BLANK_AUDIO]
