TONY EVANS HOUSE
Tony Evans - Loving Your Woman
an official message from Medicare. A new law is helping me save more money on prescription drug costs. Maybe you can save, too. With Medicare's Extra Help Program, my premium is zero and my out-of-pocket costs are low. Who should apply? Single people making less than $23,000 a year, or married couples who make less than $31,000 a year. Even if you don't think you qualify, it pays to find out. Go to ssa.gov/extrahelp Paid for by the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services What's next? At Moss Adams, that question inspires us to help people and their businesses strategically define and claim their future. As one of America's leading accounting, consulting, and wealth management firms, our collaborative approach creates solutions for your unique business needs. We leverage industry-focused insights with the collective technical resources of our firm to elevate your performance. Uncover opportunity and move upward at MossAtoms.com. I want to talk to you today about loving your wife. Paul makes a statement. We won't turn that just yet, but Paul makes a statement. Husbands, love your wives. As Christ, love the church. That he gave himself for it. Husbands, love your wives. The word love today is used in a lot of different ways, and it is used very casually. You may say, "I love my job," or, "I love chocolate cake," or, "I love my car." You kind of use it in movement and in flow because there is a general sense where we understand the concept, but yet the way it's used today is really not the kind of understanding that God would have us have about the meaning of love and its relationship particularly to our wives. Now, it's a very critical concept because it is uniquely given to man. There is no Bible verse that commands a wife to love her husband, none. Back to my knowledge, there's only one reference, and that is where it tells older women to help younger women learn how to love their husbands, but no command. But over and over again, the man is commanded to love his wife. Now, the wife is commanded to do something, and that is respect or reverence or husband. Now, that is not a mistake that is recognizing some unique attributes that belong to men and women that are different. A woman's greatest needs is for love, a man's greatest need is for respect. And God recognizes that and has communicated that in his word. In the New Testament days, when they used the term love, they had distinguishing words, words that differentiated the meaning of love, so you knew what was being meant. They wouldn't just say, "I love you," or, "I love hot dogs," or, "I mean," they had words that made a difference. We do not use those distinguishing words today, and so we use the word love to cover everything. So let me go back to the New Testament day and explain the three concepts of love that were existent then, and those concepts are brought into the Bible. The first kind of love is in a word that was called eros, eros. Now, eros was sexual fulfillment, or to put it more bottom line, it was basically lust. So that when a guy said, "I eros you," he meant, "I want you sexually." That's the kind of love that most of our music is made of today, where love is used as a synonym for lust, and love is intricately connected to wanting physical contact. So when the Greeks wanted to express the fact that they lusted, they would use the word love. But the word love would be a distinct word called eros that meant, "I desire you sexually, I want you to meet my physical need." Now, when you think about it, that is a common use of the word love today. A guy in a parked car may tell a girl, "I love you, therefore." And he makes a direct relationship between the usage of love, although he doesn't have a distinct different word for it, and his sexual desire. So that was one concept. The Greeks also had a second word, and that word was fileto, fileto. Now, the second Greek word was the love of friends. When a man said, "I fileto you," he was saying, "I am your friend." Now, the uniqueness of this, as opposed to eros, is that it was not tied to sexual fulfillment, but it did have something that was also true of eros, and that is, it was tied to some degree of selfishness. As in eros, there was a desire to have one's physical needs met. In fileto, there was a response to a person because of how they treated you, and they were your friends. In other words, a fileto is someone who's like a brother to you. He covers your back, and you cover his back. He's your buddy. You know you can count on him, and you know that he's going to treat you right, and you're going to treat him right. So that if you have a fileto relationship, and he doesn't treat you right, you will say, "I thought you were my friend." That's fileto, it was that mutual friendship that had an understanding about it, that I'm going to treat you right, and you're going to treat me right, as long as you treat me right, I'm going to treat you right. If you stop treating me right, then our friendship will be in jeopardy because I won't trust you anymore. So that was fileto. That was a legitimate term used among friends. In fact, Jesus used it with Peter when he said, "Are you my friend?" And the Greek word is fileto. Are you my friend? Now, there's another word. This word is different than the other two because it expresses God's love. It defines love from God's perspective, and that word was agape, agape. Now, the reason I'm taking this time out is because before I can talk about loving your wife, we've got to know what we're meaning by love because I've tried to establish love can mean different things to different people. Agape is unique because unlike Eros and unlike fileto, agape has nothing to do with what the other person does. Eros is tied to meeting my needs sexually. Fileto is tied to how you're treating me as a friend, but this word agape is unlike the other two because it had to do with taking the initiative to act on someone else's behalf even at your own expense. Now, file that. Agape is different because it had to do with acting on someone else's behalf for the betterment of another without any necessary demand or expectation for anything in return. An official message from Medicare. A new law is helping me save more money on prescription drug costs. Maybe you can save too. With Medicare's extra help program, my premium is zero and my out-of-pocket costs are low. Who should apply? Single people making less than $23,000 a year or married couples who make less than $31,000 a year. Even if you don't think you qualify, it pays to find out. Go to ssa.gov/extrahelp. Paid for by the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services. What's next? At Moss Adams, that question inspires us to help people and their businesses strategically define and claim their future. As one of America's leading accounting, consulting and wealth management firms, our collaborative approach creates solutions for your unique business needs. We leverage industry-focused insights with the collective technical resources of our firm to elevate your performance. Uncover opportunity and move upward at MossAtoms.com. When you need meal time inspiration, it's worth shopping king supers. Where you'll find over 30,000 mouth-watering choices that excite your inner foodie. And no matter what tasty choice you make, you'll enjoy our everyday low prices. Plus extra ways to save, like digital coupons worth over $600 each week. You can also save up to $1 off per gallon at the pump with fuel points. More savings and more inspiring flavors make shopping king supers worth it every time. King supers, fresh for everyone, fuel restrictions apply. Now let me go back to my original scripture. What I quoted, Paul says, "Husbands agape your wives." Not husbands, air-wash your wives. Look at them as sexual objects. Not husbands, fillet or your wives. Necessarily, defining them as friends. Husbands agape your wives. That's the Greek term. We would use love and perhaps it would cover all three. You can't do that in New Testament. It's a specific term. When you look at your wife agape them. That is, love them in such a way that your orientation is to meet their need. Listen to this, regardless of what you receive in return. Now that's going to change the whole lot of homes right there. Right there. Because many of the problems that we have with our wives is tied to the fact that they do not fillet on us or could be tied to the fact that they do not air on us. All right? Okay. I mean, it could be either way. But the idea, the idea, when the Bible says love has nothing to do with their sexual response and has nothing necessarily to do with their friendship response, catch this, Romans 5a. For God demonstrated his agape, his love toward us in that while we were yet sinners, Christ died. God demonstrated love toward us that while we were sinners. Now, do you know how much God hates sin? You know how much God hates the Bible says God is angry with the wicked every day. So he looked out and he saw sin. He saw evil thoughts, are evil actions, are evil attitudes. He saw rebellion against him. He saw lifestyles. He heard our cussing and fussing. He saw all of that and said, "I hate what they are doing, but I will demonstrate my love toward you. Even though I can't stand how you act, how you talk, how you walk, how you move, I'm still going to die." That is biblical love. And that's why you can love people that you don't necessarily like. Because life is for love. Love is agape. That's why Jesus can say, "Agape your enemies." Now, nobody likes their enemies. Nobody likes somebody who hates their guts and is out to destroy them. God says you don't have to like them. You just have to love them. Because love has nothing to do with what you get in return. Most of the world will reject Jesus Christ, but that did not stop him from loving even though God knew that in advance. Now, let me look at a couple of verses very quickly in the book of John. First of all, John chapter 14. Look at a couple of verses quickly and look at this concept. John chapter 14, verse 21. "He who has my commandments and keeps them, it is he who loves me. And he who loves me will be loved by my father. And I will love him and manifest myself to him." And again in verse 24. "He who does not love me does not keep my words. And the words which you hear is not mine but the father who sent me." Here Jesus says there is a direct correlation to biblical love and what you do. Biblical love is not discussion love. Biblical love is not phraseology that's been turned. That's a good rap that sounds good. A God-pay love is always demonstrable love for God demonstrated his love. You can look at Calvary. There's something to show. Biblical love always responds in action. When people say I love God but do not keep on his commandments the Bible says that's a lie. Because love is always measured in action. If I were to ask your wives do you love her or you'd ask my wife do I love her? The question is measured in terms of a God-pay by what I do. In other words if you were to say I tell my wife I love her all the time that is a meaningless statement for a God-pay. Because a God-pay is not concerned about your vocabulary. A God-pay is concerned only and always about your action. A God-pay is physiological and not just emotional. Filet-o can be emotional. Eros is most definitely emotional. A God-pay is demonstrable. Now let's look at chapter 15 verse 12. This is my commandment that you love one another as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this than to lay down one's life for his friends. Now to lay down one's life for somebody has given up a lot. I mean we talking serious sacrifice. To lay down one's life is to give all of you because that's all you have left if you give your life. An official message from Medicare. A new law is helping me save more money on prescription drug costs. Maybe you can save too. With Medicare's extra help program my premium is zero and my out-of-pocket costs are low. Who should apply? Single people making less than $23,000 a year or married couples who make less than $31,000 a year. Even if you don't think you qualify it pays to find out. Go to ssa.gov/extrahelp. Paid for by the US Department of Health and Human Services. When you need meal time inspiration it's worth shopping king supers. Where you'll find over 30,000 mouth-watering choices that excite your inner foodie. And no matter what tasty choice you make you'll enjoy our everyday low prices. Plus extra ways to save like digital coupons worth over $600 each week. You can also save up to $1 off per gallon at the pump with fuel points. More savings and more inspiring flavors make shopping king supers worth it every time. King supers fresh for everyone fuel restrictions apply. He's talking about marriage he's talking about the disciples. He's talking about you and me in this room. He says greater love is no man in this man would lay down his life for his friends. That's the ultimate expression of love. So what I'm trying to say to you at this point is for you to understand that when we talk at church. Now I don't know what they're going to tell you in the street. They're not going to tell you this. They're going to tell you I ain't going to hang on one. You don't want to take that off no woman. Do you know how many fish in the sea? You do not have to go through this. Now that's what they're going to tell you in the street because they have a whoop definition of manhood. For a lot of men the definition of manhood is the ability to score. In the Bible the definition of manhood is the ability to not have to choose to score because you've chosen to be totally committed to one person for the rest of your life. That takes work. It's easy to find different women who are vulnerable. The hard work is winning somebody who can't stand you. That's the hard work. It's not a lot of hard work to leave and find somebody who hasn't had to live with you yet. That part is easy. So the issue that I'm addressing today is I got paid kind of love. Now let's get one step closer to pragmatics. How do you love your wife? First of all how do you look at your wife in order for you to begin the lover? And then the last question is what do you do to begin to love her? Well let me talk first of all about how you begin to look at her in order that you begin to love her. First Peter chapter 3 verse 7 which is a verse that we have looked at on numbers of occasions but one that gives us some deep insight into loving your wife. First Peter chapter 3 verse 7. Husbands likewise. Now whenever you read the word likewise in the Bible it means that he's building off of something that's already been stated. And what he's building off of is the end of chapter 2 where it says in verse 21 for to this you were called because Christ also suffered. You're suffering with your wives? All right good. Christ also suffered for us. Leaving us an example that we should walk in his steps. So before I go any further I want to hear you talking about that was Jesus. If I was Jesus I could live with her too, okay? I don't want you talking that because he says that you might walk in what? He's not talking about something that only applies to him but it's an example for you and me. All right now he says who committed no sin so he wasn't guilty nor was this he found in his mouth. He wasn't lying. He was telling the truth about us and he had done nothing wrong but he got the blame that was what the cross was all about. He took our blame. Verse 23, now catch this man because this is the introduction of husband and wife relationships who when he was reviled did not revile in return. Now he could have said I ain't going to have no human beings talking to me like that. I'm not going to have any human beings treating me like that. Don't they know I can cut them loose and find me somebody else? Don't they know I don't have to deal with this? Don't they understand who I is? Don't they understand that they don't know my name? He could have did that but when he was messed over, reviled, he did not revile in return. I want to know what goes around comes around kind of stuff. When he suffered, he did not threaten. Yeah, treat me like that again. You're going to be picking your face up off the floor. Didn't threaten but committed himself to him who judges rightly who at the proper time is always going to tell the truth. Who himself bore our sins. That bore who sins? He bore something that he wasn't responsible for. It is own body on the tree that we having died to sin might live for righteousness by who stripes you were healed. Now catch that. By the stripes he bore, we were healed. Could it be that the only way your wife is going to come around is by the stripes you bear on her behalf? Watch it now. Some brothers racking back and they don't talk crazy preacher. All right, catch us now. Follow me. Jesus bore the stripes but we get the healing. Remember that you might walk in his steps. Okay, now let's go on. Verse 25, "For you were like sheep going astray, but have now returned to the shepherd and overseer of your soul. You were going the wrong direction until he bore stripes. But when he was willing to bear stripes, that's what turned you around. Some of you are only going to win back your wives when you love them enough to take some stripes. You're not going to hear that in the street. The street ain't going to tell you you don't have to take any stripes. Give some, don't take none. All right, but now look. Now we come to verse 7, "Husbands likewise," like who? Like Jesus. Remember, we're following his steps. Just like Jesus. Now what does he want you to do? First of all, live with your wives in an understanding way or dwell with them according to knowledge or to put it more simply, study your mate. One of the problems in our relationships is that we give very little time to the study of our wives. Women are very, very complicated to understand. I mean, you say something and you want to know, what did I say to bring that kind of response? You know? You put your arm around her, leave me alone. What? I didn't do anything. You will never do nothing, let you tell it. You want to know where in the world did that come from? Well, that's because we do not study our wives. An official message from Medicare. A new law is helping me save more money on prescription drug costs. Maybe you can save too. With Medicare's extra help program, my premium is zero, and my out-of-pocket costs are low. Who should apply? Single people making less than $23,000 a year, or married couples who make less than $31,000 a year. Even if you don't think you qualify, it pays to find out. Go to ssa.gov/extrahelp. Paid for by the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services. And all of us are guilty, and I'm guilty of that. Well, we do not understand why they are the way they are so that we can't handle them when they get that way. Don't. You should know before your wife when her menstrual flow time is. Because that, more than anything else, will determine where her emotions are. Now, we've got this new phenomenon today, which is not new at all, called PMS. Now, if your wife has PMS, that'll dog you. That'll dog you. Because she will go through these major emotional swings. It's not new, it's way back in the Bible. A woman during a menstrual flow had to separate herself and all that. I mean, God knew folks were going to get dogged during that period of time. I'm just being honest with you. All right? Now, all PMS is is the intensification of the emotional swings due to the progestering and the hormonal changes that are related to that. And the more of those changes that take place and the loss of the progestering will cause a greater emotional swings. And so, you know, they got a big business going today. But they really don't offer a solution other than changing diet, trying to cut back on the changes. But what you really have to do is get your family to help you through it. And now we can turn to the Bible for that. When he says, "Husband's well with your wives and understanding way," he is saying, "Learn to read the movements." That's what he's saying. One of the ways you love your wife is learn to read her. And if you know that she is coming on the week before that time, that's when those changes are going to occur, climaxing during that period of time when her flow begins, okay? And then the period a few days after begins to rise, the hormonal structure begins to settle in, become more constant. And of course, she's more alive and more active. She's more oriented to you and more patient with the kids. But you see, that's something she can do. You say to your wife, for example, you say, "Why you have to be that way?" You say, "Because I want to," all right? I mean, she gets upset. Well, the whole point of it is, if she's going through those changes, then she can't help but respond on a different wavelength. So if there are other irritations in the relationship, you're going to feel them and you're going to know them. Then let me run on a little bit further here, because we're running out of time. He goes on and he says this, "Draw with them an understanding way. Learn what makes them tick. Giving honor to the wife, give honor to your wife." The concept of giving honor is the concept of placing her on a pedestal. Like it or not, that's what that means. The concept of honor is placing her on a pedestal. It doesn't say change your wife. If you're trying to change your wife, you mess it up. You mess it up. Changing your wife is not by changing your wife. Changing your wife is by honoring your wife. Now, if your wife is like my wife, she spends a lot of time in self-pampering. Before the mirror, how she looks, how she dresses, the way they look in the mirror. Do you know what women doing? They're pampering themselves. They're making themselves feel good about themselves. Now, honoring her is your adding to what she already does for herself. It's your pampering, her pampering of herself. It is you making her feel good about her. Okay? And the reason why many of our wives rebel is because what they need, they're not receiving. Women need honor. They need to be pampered or put on a pedestal. And every one of you did that when you dated your wives. Everyone, baby, you are fine. Do you hear me? Do you hear me? We talking about our bad man, my jammer. You are fine, all right? I mean, we pampered her in pulling out of the chair. We pampered her in opening the door. We pampered her and we were walking the wrong side of the street, you know, moving her to the other side. We moved it inside. You know, man, she's lucky if she can get in the car before we drive off. I mean, we talking about things have gotten bad here, all right? Pamper your wife. Honor her. Make her feel like somebody special. If you do that, without expecting anything in return, then anything you get is a bonus. See, don't do it, Santa, okay? Okay, now I heard the pastor's morning. I'm going out here, baby. You got a week of pampering. If you don't get your thing together in a week, I ain't pampering you no more. No, no, no, you understand. It took you five years to make this mess and make it take you five years of pampering to clean it up. I don't know. I shouldn't have said that. But the idea, the idea that I want to communicate is very simple. The idea means that I want to communicate is wise, need, honor. But God pay love means honor and don't expect anything in return or don't demand anything in return. Now, that's what God will use, though, to give you something in return. You can't go demanding it. I'm going to do this now. You better do that. God doesn't do that. He doesn't say, "I'm going to die for you now. You better get saved." I'm going to die for you and salvation is available if you want it. But I'm still going to die. And some of you men in your homes have got to decide to die, to be striped, to be kicked and abused, and you're still very much a man. So you haven't become less of a man. You're all man if you do that because it takes somebody with guts to be willing to do that. Okay. And closing here. As to the weaker vessel. He calls her weaker. In other words, she can't take what you can take. She can't take it physically. She's physically weaker. She's emotionally going to cry first, generally, because she's emotionally weaker. She can't take what you take. So you take more than she has. An official message from Medicare. A new law is helping me save more money on prescription drug costs. You may be able to save, too. With Medicare's extra help program, my premium is zero, and my out-of-pocket costs are low. Who should apply? Single people making less than $23,000 a year, or married couples who make less than $31,000 a year. Even if you don't think you qualify, it pays to find out. Go to ssa.gov/extrahelp, paid for by the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services. Two. The Bible says she's weaker, and she is. That's why she gets upset faster and stays upset longer. Because she's weaker, she cannot take what you take. So if she works, and then has to come home and cook, and then take care of the kids, her circuits are often overloaded. She can't take what you take. And then you get mad because she's not available at night. But if the circuits are overloaded, she can't take it. All right? She can't respond. Okay? And so then she feels like a tramp if she's forced to respond physically, but she can't, because her circuits are overloaded, because she's weaker. The Bible says God made a weaker. And then he closes by saying, and being heirs together of the grace of life, treat her as an equal, heirs together. Don't treat her as somebody under your foot. The way some men treat their wives are like dogs. They treat them disgracefully, not as an equal. She's not your child, so you don't beat on her. Okay? She is your equal. You're the leader, but she still is your equal. In essence, she's every bit as good as you. Treat her as an equal. And then he says that your prayers may not be hindered. You're on your knees praying, "Lord, change my wife." God says you have hindered prayers if you're not honoring your wife. If you're not willing to take stripes for your wife, then get up off your knees because I won't hear your prayers because you're not loving your wife. Let me give you a couple of things you can do specific. Number one, the first thing you can do is each day, if you're going to honor your wife, you're going to pamper her, do something special for your wife, or say something special. It doesn't have to cost money, but expect nothing in return. She's making up the bed, go to the other side of the bed, and say, "Honey, let me help you." And then after you pick, she gets up off the floor. (Laughter) You know, she goes to wash dishes. "Honey, let me put them in the drywall. Let me dry." No? Every day, do something or say something special. You don't know how much it affects your wife when you say to her on the way out the door. "Honey, you sure look beautiful today." You do that enough. One day she's going to say, "Well, let me stay home then." (Laughter) Y'all not dumb, y'all not dumb. All right. Each day, say or do something special. Expect nothing in return. I mean, if you say, "Baby, you look wonderful," and she says, "Get out of my life." Pick your feelings up off the floor and keep on trucking. Secondly, make sure you include the unexpected. Stop being so boring. She kind of can predict what you're going to say or what you're going to do before you do it. That's why she'll want to make love with you. That's as boring as everything else. Don't be, don't be so anticipatory, so predictable. I mean, remember when you were dating, what are we going to do tonight? Surprise. You know, you were creative. Be creative. The Bible says that the Lord's verses are new every day. Never know what's coming. And that's why you want to get in the habit of thinking and planning and being creative. It doesn't have to cost any money. A little special love note. Ideally, once a week, but certainly twice a month, date her. Now, this is different than the nice things you do every day. That was a little quick thing. But twice a month, say, "This is our night. We're going to get somebody for the kids or whatever we have to do. I'm going to take you out, whether it's dinner, whether it's for a walk even, but we're going to go out. I can't wait to be with you. I can't wait to be with you. I want to be with the kids and that's nice, but there's nothing like being with you. Because the husband and wife relationship takes precedence over the parent-child relationship. You're preparing the children to leave. Quick. You still got to live with your wife, okay? So, what I'm saying to you today is please, please, a couple of times a month. Next is give her time from the kids and you. See, the men can get away from the kids a lot easier than the ladies can. Give her time away, honey. Let me keep the kids the night. You just go and do something. An official message from Medicare. A new law is helping me save more money on prescription drug costs. Maybe you can save too. With Medicare's extra help program, my premium is zero and my out-of-pocket costs are low. Who should apply? Single people making less than $23,000 a year or married couples who make less than $31,000 a year. Even if you don't think you qualify, it pays to find out. Go to ssa.gov/extrahelp. Paid for by the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services. Something for you, because what that says is that you're important and I really want you to unwind. I care about the fact that you have the burden of the children and most women do. Love her with your words. Read the song asylum and sometimes. Love her with your words. Love her with your words. And don't wait till ten at night when, you know, you want something. Love her with your words at ten in the morning. When you know you're not going to get nothing. She's on her way out to do a honey. Looking forward to you coming back home. Love her with your words. When you read the lover's Solomon, he talks about the beauty of her teeth and the tenderness and softness of the skin and the aroma of her perfume and he goes on and on and on and on and on and talks about how she's like the gazelles and the beauty of her hand. He goes on and on and on and on and on and on and on and then it climaxes in chapter four where she says, come into your God. She takes the initiative sexually. Why? Because all he's been doing is giving her his words. He's been building that thing up, call in the middle of the day and just simply say to her, this is what I call because you've been on my mind. I've heard your voice and that's all I need. Goodbye. So you need to do it. Love her with your words, okay? Famous song was out, simply said. Love her in a hundred ways. Love her in a hundred ways. She'll change. It may not be tomorrow, but remember you're not Eros. You're not Fileto. You're a God-pay. You're going to love her expecting nothing in return. So whenever you get something, it'll be God's reward to you. An official message from Medicare. A new law is helping me save more money on prescription drug costs. Maybe you can save too. With Medicare's extra help program, my premium is zero and my out-of-pocket costs are low. Who should apply, single people making less than $23,000 a year, or married couples who make less than $31,000 a year. Even if you don't think you qualify, it pays to find out. Go to ssa.gov/extrahelp. Paid for by the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services.