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How to Forgive Yourself and Others | Jordan Peterson
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You know, because it's one thing if you're sad because you've lost people. It's another thing if you're blaming yourself because you believe and maybe with some cause that you've made a mistake and often people don't know what to do about the fact that they've made a mistake. So maybe we could talk about that a little bit because some of the people who are watching and listening will have made mistakes and some of them are hanging themselves out to drive because of it. Right, I mean, especially if you make mistakes that have had fairly dramatic consequences. So, and this ties in, I would say, also to the motif of forgiveness because there's not much difference between forgiving other people and forgiving yourself. And you can't just do that by saying that you're going to do it. So what I've observed clinically, and I think this works philosophically as well, is that what you want to do to set things right, which is to atone, is to lay out what you've done that you think was wrong. Provide yourself with the best possible defense. So, you know, there's a reason in our legal system that we start with the presumption of innocence, which is a miracle because like tyranny start with the presumption of guilt. And the reason they do that is because everyone's done something wrong. And if you dig around enough in anyone's life, you'll find a reason that they're culpable, a reason to put them away. And so the fact that we presume innocence is a complete, bloody miracle, and I can't figure out how we ever managed to get that right. But you've got to do that with yourself. So imagine you're taking yourself to task because you did some things wrong. It's like, OK, list them out in your imagination or write it down. But then you've got to defend yourself as thoroughly as you possibly can. Which doesn't mean you're trying to get yourself off the hook. It means that you're trying not to take yourself apart more than is necessary because actually what you want to do to atone is to set yourself back on the right track. So the precondition for forgiving yourself is first of all to sort out whether or not you're accusing yourself too viciously like a tyrant. But then let's assume that there's some leftover evidence, compelling evidence, that you did do something wrong. OK, now you have to figure out what you did wrong. And you have to figure out what you would have done differently and what you will do differently in the future. And then my sense is, and I think this works out psychologically, is that if you can set yourself up so that you've learned from the mistake you made so you wouldn't repeat it, then you get to go on with your life. And I think that's the that's also what you do with people around you. You know, I mean, you might want to forgive someone. Maybe who hurt you when you were young, for example, because you don't want to carry that burden around. You know, it's like it's been 20 years. You're still mad about it's like, well, you got tortured plus you're still angry about it. So you're that's not good for you. But to forgive someone so that you can heal a relationship means that they have to confess what they did. They have to assess why it was wrong. They have to come up with an alternative way of behaving and then they have to swear, you know, by all that's holy, so to speak, that they're not going to do that again in the future. And then I think, and you know, we might say that the devil in your mind that's still accusing, you might say, well, what you did is so terrible that you should never be let off the hook. And I would say that is that if that's the criteria that you use for judgment and everyone's doomed, because everyone makes mistakes in their lives. And I would say, probably everybody makes unforgivable mistakes. And so if if we're going to take ourselves apart about that permanently, then we're all rude. So the tricky issue there, I think, is that people who are taking themselves apart, they're often conscientious people. And so well, they'll say they'll think they'll assume that taking ownership in your terms means raking yourself over the calls. And the crucial thing to establish there is like, well, yeah, you have to rake yourself over the calls until you learn, but no more than that, because after that, it's counterproductive, is what you're trying to foster is improvement right now. And then in terms of making a case for your innocence, that's where analysis of ignorance is useful. You know, you said, well, and it's a question of conscience. Did you make the best use of the information that you had available at the time? And one answer is, well, yes, but I had sparse information and then you have to ask yourself, well, could have you been more informed if your eyes would have been more open? That's a willful blindness issue. But it's definitely worthwhile to when you're making a case to defend yourself, to see how much of the sequence of events that resulted in the unfortunate conclusion. What is attributable to the situation? There's a classic mistake in thinking that people make called the fundamental attribution error. So imagine that you're driving along on the road and somebody cuts you off and you say, well, that's son of a bitch. It's like, and then, you know, you find two blocks later that you're in the same situation in terms of the positioning of the automobiles and you cut someone else off. And it's harder to do a situational analysis than to do a personal attribution. And so people will default to a personal attribution, that son of a bitch. And that can turn around to bite you because it's difficult when you're retroactively assessing something you've done to take into account all the situational factors. But that is definitely something you do if you're mounting a defense for yourself. And that's part of that presumption of innocence. So we could say, if you're trying to get yourself out of something like post-traumatic stress disorder, we would say, well, how would you make the case for yourself if you began with the presumption of innocence and that there were situational factors? Make the strongest possible case. So you do that. Now, if there's some residual issues that you have to contend with, like the fact that you were willfully blind or, you know, maybe you weren't protecting your men. Maybe you were going for the promotion because you're more ambitious than you should be. Like that speaks to intent. But you shouldn't convict yourself until all the arguments that are in favor of your innocence have exhausted themselves, right? And it is that is the way that our legal system is set up. And there's a good reason for that too. And then knowing also that atonement is possible and forgiveness appropriate when you've learned your lesson, you know, and that's also very useful when you're disciplining children. So, for example, when my kids were young and I used to have them sit on the steps when they were, you know, acting like barbarians, I should clarify that. You discipline your children when they're acting in a way that isn't appropriate for their age in accordance with universal human judgment. So you should discipline your children when they're disgracing themselves. And the reason you should do that isn't because they're bad kids or because it reflects badly on you or because you're angry, but because if they continue to act that way, other people aren't going to want to have them around. And that's not good for your kids, so you discipline them. So, I say to my son, for example, go sit on the steps till you can act like a civilized human being or whatever terminology is appropriate when he's young. And the rule was, well, as soon as you get yourself under control, problem solved. Well, it's the same with past sins, so to speak, is if you failed to hit the target properly, but you figured out why, and now you know how you would chart your course differently in the future, done, you know, and it's also the case that even most negative emotion that you experience in relationship to past memories only emerges because there's a hole in your adaptive structure. So imagine at some point in the past you fell in a pet and you don't know how you got there. Well, that emotion is going to remain hot and dangerous until you figure out why you fell in. And the reason that your conscience keeps torturing you about that is because, well, you fell into a hole and you don't know why, and so maybe you'll fall into another one, and so you shouldn't be that comfortable. But if you can figure out why, and you can reevaluate your aim or your course, so that that isn't going to happen in the future, well, even psychologically, your own conscience will let you off the hook if you reconfigured your pathway. And so, and you do that, well, partly by not taking yourself apart to any great degree. ♪♪♪ An official message from Medicare. A new law is helping me save more money on prescription drug costs. Maybe you can save too. With Medicare's extra help program, my premium is zero, and my out-of-pocket costs are low. Who should apply? Single people making less than $23,000 a year, or married couples who make less than $31,000 a year. Even if you don't think you qualify, it pays to find out. Go to ssa.gov/extrahelp. Paid for by the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services. How dangerous is it to unwrap a burger at 40 miles per hour? More so than you think. In a little over two seconds, your car can travel slightly more than 117 feet, which is the same length as 20 bicycles. Anything that distracts you while driving is dangerous. That's why driving while texting can be deadly too. So put it down, it can wait. Don't drive distracted, shift into safe. A message from the Colorado Department of Transportation.