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Vineyard Church of Ann Arbor Sermon Podcast

Living with Loss (#2): Loving the Grief Injured

Duration:
34m
Broadcast on:
15 May 2006
Audio Format:
other

Grief is a blow to the whole person, a traumatic injury. Have mercy on me, O LORD, for I am in trouble; my eye wastes away with grief, Yes, my soul and my body! For my life is spent with grief, and my years with sighing Psalm 31: 9-10 NKJV "Bereavement is an immensely stressful event which can take a huge toll on the body..." Living with Loss (#2): Loving the Grief Injured by Senior Pastor, Ken Wilson, Vineyard Church of Ann Arbor - www.annarborvineyard.org.
Shing up a mini-series on living with lost, today we'll be considering loving the grief injured. Of course, we in 21st century American culture are really in a position of cultural deficit when it comes to grief, understanding it ourselves, is certainly responding to those we know at work or our friends or neighbors or loved ones who are going through grief. We often feel as those who are on the outside looking in when someone is suffering from grief, we feel like we're driving through a rain storm without wipers, we just don't know how to proceed, how do we respond and we often feel awkward, we simply avoid the person who is suffering from grief. The bereaved in our culture may not say or they may not be able to say what's going on, so we're often even the more. In the dark, well here's what's going on, Psalm 31. Have mercy on me, O Lord, for I'm in trouble, my eye wastes away with grief, yes, my soul and my body, for my life is spent with grief and my years with sighing. You know, these biblical expressions of grief, like public displays of grief and other cultures, the Middle East in particular seem very exaggerated to us Westerners because we deal with loss by trying to minimize or to privatize it as we relegate it to the psychological realm alone, but grief, like the Psalmist says, grief is a blow to the whole person. Think of grief like a traumatic injury, for in fact, it is losing a loved one is equivalent to going through a major surgery. When I say losing a loved one, I would also wanna include losing something very important in your life. This is a little description of just how serious the effects of grief can be, of course, they vary from person to person, and no one person suffers all these things, but this just gives you a sense of the significance of this injury, bereavement is an immensely stressful event which can take a huge toll on the body, potentially causing all sorts of physical problems, including physical exhaustion, uncontrollable crying, sleep disruption, palpitations, shortness of breath, headaches, recurrent infections, high blood pressure, loss of appetite, stomach upsets, hair loss, disruption of the menstrual cycle, irritability, worsening of any chronic condition such as eczema or asthma. Lethurgy and tiredness are common physical symptoms of bereavement. The loss of a loved one sets off a powerful stress response in the body with release of high levels of natural steroids and a heightened state of awareness in the nervous system, especially the fight or flight system which controls the body's readiness for action. The heart responds to this greater nervous drive with an increase in pulse and blood pressure, even if the person seems slow and down inside their intermoil. The stress response also affects the immune system, the system that fights infection, bereavement causes a fall in the activity of the T lymphocytes, cells that are very important in fighting infection. So colds and other minor infections are common. Pre-existing painful problems such as arthritis may get worse and other chronic health concerns often flare up too. It's common for conditions that need to be controlled carefully such as diabetes and high blood pressure to go awry. This partly explains why people who experience personal loss are at a higher risk of dying during the first year after the loss. Men are at greater risk than women, perhaps because they have fewer support systems among family and friends. So this topic is pretty darn important. How do we love a friend who's going through grief? The trauma of grief is nothing to trifle with. No, in the raw, it feels like being on an ocean liner while your loved one just goes overboard. And there's nothing you can do. The ocean is a vast abyss that dwarfs the ship, but the ship just keeps moving through the deep, leaving your loved one behind. Gerard Manley Hopkins wrote a poem on grief. Don't try to make sense of the poem so much as feel the sense of it. You have to listen to Gerard Manley Hopkins like you listen to rap music, you feel it. It sends the impressions. You don't try to figure out the storyline because he's using language in a very rhythmic way. No worse, there is none. Pitch past, pitch of grief. More pangs will, schooled at four pangs while during. Comforter, where is your comforting? Mary, mother of us, where is your relief? My cries heave, herds long. Huddle in a mane, a chief woe, world sorrow. On an age old anvil, wincing, sing, then lull, then leave off. Fury had shriek, no lingering, let me be fell, force, I must be brief. Oh, the mine, mine has mountains. Cliffs of fall, frightful, sheer, no man fathomed. Hold them cheap, may who dare hung there. Nor does long our small durants deal with that steep or deep. Here, creep, wretch, under a comfort serves in a whirlwind. All life, death does end and each day dies with sleep. Just to translate one of those lines from English into English, oh, the mine. The landscape of the mind includes mountainous terrain, terrifying cliffs that no one can understand. The only ones who haven't felt the terror of falling off the edge are those who haven't been there yet. In other words, when you go through grief, you find things going on in your mind, in your inner life. You go into territory, into regions. You've never been before, and it can be completely terrifying. So then, how do we love those who have been injured by loss? Well, there's some wisdom from the Gospel of Luke. Actually, the Gospel of Luke has a lot to say about loss, maybe because Luke was a physician. Jesus gets lost in the Gospel of Luke and Mary, his mother is terrified. There's a law sheep, a lost coin, lost son, all kinds of lost things in the Gospel of Luke. If we understand that loss is an injury to the whole person, then this parable makes the love task very plain. Jesus said a man was going down from Jerusalem that Jericho, when he fell into the hands of robbers. They stripped him of his clothes, beat him, and went away, leaving him half dead. A priest happened to be going down the same road, and when he saw the man, he passed by on the other side. So too, a Levite, when he came to the place and saw him, passed by on the other side. But a Samaritan, as he traveled, came where the man was, and when he saw him, he took pity on him. He went to him and bandaged his wounds, pouring on oil and wine. Then he put the man on his own donkey, took him to an inn, and took care of him. The next day, he took out two silver coins and gave them to the innkeeper. Look after him, he said, and when I return, I will reimburse you for any extra expense you may have. If your friend has sustained a grief injury, someone at work, someone you know, someone whose path you cross on a regular basis, don't pass them by. Don't pass them by, don't ignore them. When the Samaritan saw them, the man, he took pity, meaning he was moved in the viscera. He was moved inwardly. He felt the suffering of the other himself, and he went to him. Usually, we get better at this after we've been through a loss or two ourselves. It's difficult to learn how to be in the presence of loss if we haven't been through it. Paul writes of this, "Praise be to the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with a comfort. We have received from God, so life is a learning laboratory, and we learn about comfort as we go through loss, and part of the learning is not just for us, but it's for others so that we can be of some comfort to others who are going through the same experience." You know, if you've been through loss, you know that comfort isn't often found in the cheap bromides that people toss around, get over it. You know, you've got so much many other good things going on in your life. He's in a better place. The religious bromides are famous. You know, it may be true, but rarely does comfort come from too quick reminders, these things. Sometimes, you know, in the fear of saying the wrong thing, we ignore the grief of a grieving friend, because we don't really know what to say or what to do. Well, the first thing is simply to acknowledge the loss. Say something. Send a card. I was really surprised after having some losses in my own life that were recognized people sending cards. The cards were really helpful. You know, I used to think of those cards, those sympathy cards. It's just like second rate communication. And it didn't matter if the cards were a month after the loss or six weeks or even two months later. There's just something about the cards that works better than you think, but just say something. The something you say need not be profound or original if you're working up something profound or original, give it up. I'm so sorry for your loss works just great. I'm so sorry for your loss works fine. So first and most important, don't pass them by. And then secondly, tend to the immediate needs of the grief injured as you are provisioned to do so. You know, the good Samaritan could only do what he could do. He put oil and wine on the wounds, he bandaged the wounds. There's no miracle cures for grief. Just little things that make the healing easier. Hugs are good, oh hugs are real good for those who like hugs. Expressions of concern are good. Listening is good if your friend wants to talk. What do people talk about in early grief? What do they want to talk about? Well, often it's just recounting the details. Details surrounding the laws. What led up to it? When and how? Details about the after effects of the arrangements that need to be done, just the details are fine. Food is good, food is good. St. Augustine, the North African bishop, said food is God's love made edible. Grief is hard work. It takes energy. It leaves less energy for other things. So bringing over, especially a home-cooked meal, can be great. Help with the details is good. This word wake that we use in reference to the observance of funerals and whatnot. Wake is a really apt word for what happens in the aftermath of a death. The original, I think it's of Scandinavian origin, means hole in the ice, what wake originally meant. We think of the wake left by a passing ship. There's literally a wake of details left behind. In many losses, there are all the arrangements that need to be done, the funeral, the reception afterwards. And then the setting of affairs, right, if there's an apartment to go through or a house to sell. So anything you can do to help with the details is good. But tend to the immediate needs of the grief injured. And then third, check up on them later. This is especially important. It's most often forgotten. Check up on them later. The Good Samaritan knew that his immediate response wouldn't be enough, so he made arrangements for ongoing care. He made arrangements to come back when his business was done and to check up on how the injured man was doing. So just like post-surgical care, I worked as a registered nurse for a number of years. And the early recovery, you check often. Vital signs every 15 minutes. But then as the recovery progresses, you'd need to check in less often. But check in on them later. We tend in our culture to underestimate the length of recovery from grief. Employers give us two days. Breavement benefit, but grief is not a 48-hour flu. I mean, the conventional wisdom back in the era when Kubler-Ross was talking about the five stages of grief that used to be one year, and everyone thought, wow, one year. What a long time to get over the loss of a loved one. But most people aren't over it in a year. I mean, two years is a much more normal length of time, although everyone, of course, is different. And sometimes the normal you return to is a different normal. So it's good to check in on people at the harder times. Mother's Day is a harder time for a lot of people who've lost their mothers or had conflicted relationships with their mothers, the holidays, certainly. The loved one's birthday, the anniversary of a death. You know, when something good happens, it's surprising. When something good happens to you, there's often just a peculiar sadness because the loved one isn't there to rejoice with you. So just a simple hey, an acknowledgment. I'm thinking of you today, been on my mind. I know it must be tough. Those things go a long distance. Three articles of faith I want to close with. These are things we need to believe if we want to be of real use to people who are going through grief. What we believe really matters. Three articles of faith concerning grief. Number one, sorrows can be shared. We've got to believe that sorrows can be shared. Now there's no fix for loss. Loss wouldn't be loss without loss. Sorrow can't be fixed, but it can be shared. As a pastor, sometimes people share traumas and sorrows and losses with me that are far beyond my understanding, my scope of experience. Anything remotely like what I personally have been through, but I have learned the weight of a sorrow can be shared, if only a little. But often the little is life-saving. We've got to believe that. It's like spotting a weight lifter at a gym. If you're like me, I'm a member of Champions Gym. We and the other beef cakes are out there working all the time. This is a picture. I think that's a picture of me that Nancy took spotting. Maybe it wasn't a picture of me spotting, but that's someone spotting. And the bench presser is pressing, and he has to take it to the point where he can't lift it anymore, but keep on trying. And so the spotter is there. And as a spotter, all you need to do is just the slightest pressure, the slightest lifting of the weight. And that can literally save great embarrassment. And even a person's life, depending on what's going on in the weight lifting. So it's important to understand that sorrows can be shared. It's important to believe it because it's true. But it's also important to believe it because it uncorks the power of it. If you believe that Jesus bears our sorrows and that you bear his presence, you will be of greater use. See, we believe that Jesus is one who carries our sorrows, as the prophet said, he hath borne our griefs. It's a powerful, mysterious truth. As members of his body, we bear his presence to each other and to the world. And by this presence, we can extend his powerful sorrow-sharing capacity. It's important to believe this article of faith, sorrows, can be shared. And then a second article of faith, the sharing of memories has power to heal. The sharing of memories has power to heal. I can recall when I was going through my most recent significant loss over losing one of my parents, my dad. I would feel especially empty on Sunday evening because for quite a period of time, that's the time I would go visit my dad on Sunday evening. And we'd just be in this apartment and watching TV, a game, or whatever, debriefing how church went that weekend, whatever it might have been. But Sunday evenings-- and so I just found myself just going off alone to a movie on Sunday evening. I didn't want to be with anyone else on Sunday evening, so I'd go see a movie. I saw more movies. Year after I lost my dad, some lousy movies, too. But just movie after movie. And then I noticed something. I went to a movie one Sunday evening, and I didn't feel sad. I didn't feel that sense of emptiness. And that was actually somewhat terrifying. I was more concerned about not feeling sad because that sadness was part of my connection to my dad, you understand. One of the worst fears of those who grieve is the fear of forgetting the loved one. And there may be a deep theological reason for this. You know, memory may be a form of existence itself. You think about this, if the essence of a person, a human being, is information. If that's what really is the continuous identity of the person, the information that makes us up. I mean, our cells are constantly changing. Our hair falls out. We cut it every month. The cells in our body are in constant flux and turning over the physical you that is you this year is very different from the physical you that was you last year. The essence of the person is the information which is stored physically in each of our cells in the DNA. Now, once that physical information storage system is gone through death, it raises a pressing question. Is there any other way to store the information? Well, now we're in God territory, aren't we? It's possible we exist because God holds us in memory. The moment he doesn't, we don't. Perhaps this is why the psalmist are constantly crying out with more conviction, more earnestness, than we as Western people understand. Remember us, oh God, as if God is forgetful? No, there's more at stake because memory is a form of existence. Our memories of a person who died may be a participation in this deeper mystery of God's remembrance, his holding us in existence. You know, with all the moving around that we do in our 21st century America, the scattering of families, we often don't know each other's parents and aunts and uncles and siblings. And that's a real loss of community, isn't it? When you're in a town and maybe you've got even a lot of friends and you're real happy with your friends and your acquaintances, but then you realize there's no one in this town who ever met my mom or my dad or my favorite uncle or my brothers or my sisters. That's a real loss of community. But we can do something to ameliorate that we can listen to the memories of our grieving friends and share those memories in that way. So if you're visiting someone who's grieving and you see the family photos on the refrigerator, on the wall, we'll ask about, is that your dad? Oh, that's a-- you know, what a great picture. How old was your dad in that picture? Tell me a bit about your dad and what was going on at that time. I went through a grief support group because I had kind of a complicated grief for just my own personal reasons. And one of the most helpful things that we did in that group was just to-- it was show and tell. We just brought photographs or memorabilia of the lost loved one and passed them around and told stories about the person who had died. So the sharing of memories has power to heal, it's an article of faith. Third, we have a mystery power to bear each other in the presence of love. We have a mystery power to bear, to hold each other in the presence of love and the presence of divine love. St. Paul's words-- and we could multiply texts like this-- for this reason, ever since I heard about your faith and the Lord Jesus and your love for all the saints, I have not stopped giving thanks for you, remembering you in my prayers. First Thessalonians 1, 2, a similar text. We always thank God for you, mentioning you. The Greek translated mentioning is Menea. It means remembering you in our prayers. We continually remember before God and our God and Father. We continually remember before God, our Father, your work produced by faith, your labor prompted by love. He wasn't focusing on their deficits. He was focusing on everything that was good about them in the presence of God, the Father, remembering them. This is more than a mental exercise. This is a participation in love. This is prayer. This is a participation in love. And it's in the nature of love to grow stronger and hotter when we participate in it, like a fire grows when we add logs to it. Sometimes we forget that the church that Paul was part of was a very small community. I mean, there were no mega churches in that era. And there were just little outposts of this cut off sliver, this strange little new version of Judaism scattered throughout Asia Minor. Paul was often out of contact with his fellow Messianics. He was either traveling for long periods of time or he was imprisoned for long periods of time or he was just with a few and thinking about the many in another city. His own kinsmen had rejected him. So he was a lonely guy. And I wonder if a great sense of comfort and love came to him when he remembered people in prayer, much as a soldier draws comfort from the pictures of his family that he keeps with him or I think of the movie Castaway with Tom Hanks. Tom is off on this stranded island, no other human company or contact. And that picture of his girlfriend played by Helen Hunt is just means everything to him. And he doesn't let that picture out of his sight. And I think eventually the picture is ruined and he's drawing it on the cave wall. And then that savior of Tom Hanks Wilson appears the volleyball. Wilson wanted to say my name is Wilson after that movie. I felt so proud of Wilson and his role and Tom Hanks survival. I mean, they're dealing with some heavy issues in that movie. Does a person really exist in isolation? Desmond Tutu said, it's not, I think, therefore I am. It's you are, therefore I am. And that's the theme that's getting played out in Castaway. There has to be an other for our own existence. And Paul was certainly in touch with this reality. And yet he was awesome, often very lonely. And so his prayer life was very much part of his experience, not only of God, but of human community under the influence of God. Paul understood the church as a communion of saints in heaven and on earth. Prayer for him was an expression and a participation and an experience of love, human love, and divine love all wrapped together. I don't want to get too spooky on you, but maybe this works both ways. Maybe it's not just we remember our loved ones and we benefit from that remembrance, but maybe it works both ways. People often attest to feeling the prayers of others for them. I mean, I want to ask you to raise your hands because I don't like raising hands when I'm sitting there. Does anyone else not like to raise their hands and, you know-- OK, good, I'm right with you. People often attest to this feeling that I know people are praying for me. I feel buoyed up in a way that I can't put my finger on, but it's very real. Maybe it really is more than just me shooting up prayers to God concerning you and then God shooting down blessing toward you. Maybe it's also like when you're thinking about someone and they call right at that moment. And you're excited not just to hear from them, but you say, I was just thinking about you. Like, I wonder if we really are connected in ways that just we don't-- we're not aware of in the Western world. I wonder if there is something to relationship that is beyond the merely physical. Now, I know I've worn you out mentioning the divine hours. I know I have worn you out. But if you've tried it and you liked it, I did a little survey of about 40 people. And it turned out that about half the people had used it and were practicing it once a day or more. About a quarter, the people had used it and liked it and would recommend it to others. And then another quarter, the people had used it, and it wasn't their cup of tea, but they would recommend it to others. And it was interesting to me that that quarter of the people had some other way of connecting with God through the day that was really working for them. And so maybe you're in that three quarters. You've either tried it, and you're using it a little bit, and you'd like to try it more, or you tried it at one time, and you thought to yourself, I'd like to get back to that. I could see how that would be helpful, or you've heard about it. Well, a good place to start is just to get a copy of the darn thing. It looks like this. There's also a soft cover version that's now available. It's cheaper. Amazon is a great place to get it, because it's cheaper on Amazon than it is in the stores. And you get a copy of that thing, and for starters, you just put it by your nightstand. Just set it there. Never move it from there. Just leave it at your nightstand. And over time, it's going to be calling to you. Say, hey, buddy, I'm here. And so you're there, OK. And then pick it up and use it for the night prayers. They're called compliment, just before bed. I wonder if nighttime isn't the right time for remembering those who are grieving the loss of loved ones. There's just something about the nighttime that reminds us. John Henry Newman had a beautiful prayer. Oh, Lord, support us all the day long of this troubleous life until the shades lengthen and the evening comes, and the busy world is hushed, and the fever of life is over, and our work is done. Then, Lord, in your great mercy, grant us a safe lodging, a holy rest, and peace at last through Jesus Christ, our Lord, John Henry Newman. There's something about the nighttime, isn't there, that turns our heart toward the end of things. So in the Compline Prayer, you have the call to prayer. The opening prayer goes like this. May the Lord Almighty grant me and those I love, a peaceful night and a perfect end. And right there, you might just mention by name your loved ones. That's what I do at night. Just mention by name my close loved ones before I lay me down to sleep. Then as you go through the night prayers, you get to the second from last prayer. It's called the petition. It goes like this, keep watch, dear Lord, with those who work or watch or weep this night, and give your angels charge over those who sleep. Ten the sick, Lord Christ. Give rest to the weary. Bless the dying, soothe the suffering, pity the afflicted, shield the joyous, and all for your love's sake. And that's just a natural time to remember those in your world who are going through struggle or turmoil and just lift them up before God. And that's not your last prayer, but the final prayer is more like a dismissal I think of it. It's not like this, but this is the gist of it. Now Lord, you can let your servant go in peace according to your word. For my eyes have seen the burden bearer and he will hold them all in mine so I can lay me down to sleep. And you just kind of get, you know, it's like, okay, you've remembered those people, you've borne their burdens just a moment. Now you can let them go, let your own burdens go, and just lay you down to sleep as I hold it through the night. So that's just a suggestion for loving your loved ones in the realm of prayer, which is a very powerful way to love them. Okay, I'm done. Let's get the worship team to come back to lead us. Let's stand and as we, I hope there's a few people from the prayer ministry team available to hang out in the wings to be available for a prayer this morning. Wonder if we might, Bill, I wonder if you might just bring that copper thing just a little bit closer here. So we have a little bit more room over there. That'd be great. Thanks, Bill. Yeah, same thing over there. You know, especially this morning, if you are suffering some of the effects of loss, maybe especially some of those physical effects, sleep disturbances or something, you know, your blood pressure going haywire or stomach aches, those kinds of things. I believe the Lord would wanna just be here to comfort and part of that comfort would be to help you with those physical symptoms. So if you know that you're suffering from something like that and would like prayer, of course, you can get prayer for anything. It just doesn't have to be specific, but especially for that this morning, if you'd like prayer, there'll be some people. After you receive communion, you can receive prayer from them. So I received from the Lord, but I also delivered to you that the Lord Jesus on the night he was betrayed took bread. And when he had given thanks, he broke it and said, "This is my body which is given for you." Likewise, after supper, he took the cup saying, "This cup is the new covenant in my blood. "Do this as often as you drink it in remembrance of me. "For whenever you eat this bread and drink this cup, "you proclaim the Lord's death until he comes." So we do join in the remembrance of our Savior Jesus.