Host: Philip Brown, Founder of The Negotiation Club
Guest: Moshe Cohen, Negotiation Trainer and Author of "Collywobbles; How to Negotiate When Negotiating Makes You Nervous"
“Pause, reflect, excel—slowing down is the key to negotiation mastery.”
Episode Overview:
In this insightful episode of the Negotiation Podcast, host Philip Brown engages in a compelling conversation with Moshe Cohen, a seasoned negotiation expert, mediator, and author. The episode delves into the critical technique of “slowing down” in negotiations—a skill that can significantly impact the outcome of any negotiation scenario.
Philip introduces Moshe Cohen, who brings decades of experience in negotiation and mediation. Moshe has been teaching negotiation since 1996 and currently shares his expertise at Boston University’s business school. He is also the author of the book "Collywobbles: How to Negotiate When Negotiating Makes You Nervous", which focuses on managing emotions during negotiations.
The Emotional Dynamics of Negotiation:
Moshe discusses how emotions play a crucial role in negotiations, often influencing the outcome more than the negotiator’s skills themselves. He explains that emotions are the first to respond in any negotiation scenario, which can lead to hasty decisions that might not align with the negotiator’s strategy. This emotional response, whether it’s excitement, anger, or fear, can derail even the best-prepared individuals.
The Concept of “Slowing Down”:
Central to this episode is the discussion on the technique of slowing down during negotiations. Moshe highlights how taking a moment to pause and manage emotions can prevent reactive decision-making and allow for more strategic, thoughtful responses. This technique involves recognizing physical cues—such as increased heart rate or tense muscles—that signal an emotional reaction and using those signals as a reminder to slow down.
Practical Application and the Power of Practice:
Philip and Moshe explore how negotiators can practice the art of slowing down in what they term “micro-moments.” These are the brief, critical instances in negotiations where emotions are likely to spike. By practicing how to manage these moments, negotiators can develop better control over their responses and improve their overall negotiation performance.
The episode also introduces the use of Negotiation Cards as practical tools for reinforcing this technique. One such card, aptly named “Slow Down,” is specifically designed to remind negotiators to pause and manage their emotions before responding. This card is not just a concept; it’s a key takeaway from the episode that listeners can use in negotiation role-plays to solidify their learning.
That's because at The Negotiation Club we believe in taking the lessons learned from experts like Moshe Cohen and turning them into actionable practice tools. So the “Slow Down” Negotiation Card is part of our unique approach to help you internalise and apply these critical negotiation skills. Whether you are participating in our negotiation role-plays, starting your own negotiation practice group, or simply looking for a practical way to enhance your skills, this card serves as a constant reminder that there is no progress without practice.
Benefits of Slowing Down:
Slowing down in negotiation has several advantages. It improves decision-making by allowing negotiators to assess situations more thoroughly and respond strategically. Additionally, it projects confidence to the other party, as a thoughtful pause can be perceived as a sign of control and competence. By avoiding impulsive reactions, negotiators are more likely to stay aligned with their strategy and achieve better outcomes.
Conclusion and Key Takeaways:
The episode concludes with a discussion on the importance of progress over perfection in negotiation practice.... just like in the scene from "The Equaliser"!
Moshe emphasises that while no one can completely eliminate emotional reactions, even small improvements in managing those reactions can lead to better negotiation outcomes. Practicing the technique of slowing down, even if it’s only effective 5% more of the time, can make a significant difference.
This episode is a must-listen for anyone looking to enhance their negotiation skills, particularly in managing emotions under pressure. Moshe Cohen’s insights offer practical strategies that can be immediately applied, making this a valuable resource for both novice and experienced negotiators alike.
Tune in to learn how slowing down can empower you to navigate negotiations more effectively and confidently.
JOIN The Negotiation Club!
We highly recommend anyone interested in building their negotiation skills to consider joining The Negotiation Club, starting their own club, or simply getting a deck of our negotiation cards to practice. Remember, there is no progress without practice, and the “Slow Down” Negotiation Card is just one of the many Negotiation Cards we offer to help you refine your negotiation skills.
SUBSCRIBE...
Don’t forget to subscribe to the Negotiation Podcast for more expert insights and techniques. If you found this episode helpful, share it with your network and leave a review.
For those interested in diving deeper into Moshe Cohen’s approach, be sure to check out his book, "Collywobbles: How to Negotiate When Negotiating Makes You Nervous."
Welcome to the Negotiation Club Podcast with Phillip Brown. The Negotiation Club is the only community focused solely on enhancing your negotiation skills training through practice with others. Today on the podcast, Phil is joined by negotiation teacher and author Moshe Cohen to talk about slowing down and how it can help you manage emotions, handle nerves, avoid rash decision making, and be more convincing and confident. Yours Phil and Moshe. Welcome to the Negotiation Podcast. This is where we talk to experts, practitioners and other trainers really to pick their brains and find out a technique or tactic that they have either used in negotiations or perhaps is something that's really important for us to be able to practice ourselves. Now today, I'm hugely excited to welcome Moshe to the show. Moshe, do you want to just give a little explanation as to who you are, where you come from and your, I guess, your love of negotiation as well? So, thank you, first of all, Phil, for inviting me. I've been in the negotiation field now since 1995. I started off as a mediator in '95, started teaching negotiation in '96 and have been doing this both in private practice through my company, the negotiating table. And since 2000 at Boston University, where I teach in the business school, I teach negotiation and other topics mostly to graduate students. Nice, brilliant, and I'm very envious of you. For those of you who are listening, you don't get to see this, but Moshe is sat outside on the most beautiful veranda. But as he's explained to me and recording this on a Monday, there are a few garbage trucks that are coming past, but it looks spectacular. It really, really does. Now, Moshe, you've written a book and I've read your book. I think it's entitled "Colly Wobbles." And it's all about one particular or certain aspects of negotiation and the impact of negotiations. Do you want to just give us quick brief as to the book and what it covers, perhaps? Absolutely, so the full title is "Colly Wobbles, How to Negotiate When Negotiating Makes You Nervous." And what motivated me to write the book was the idea that as I was teaching people skills and strategies, I noticed that very often they would understand them in theory, but when they went to implement them in their real lives, something would go off the rails. They would get overwhelmed, they would get excited, they would get angry, they would get frustrated, and those emotional spikes that they'd encountered as they negotiated would cause them to lose sight of their strategy and be less able to use the skills that they'd acquired. Now, my thinking was that having skills is good, being able to use them when you need them is actually better. And my thinking that it's not that they don't have the skills, it's that there's something in the way. And the thing that's in the way is usually themselves. Their own reactions, their own emotions prevent them from accessing those. And I realized that unless we teach people to manage their emotions actively, as they negotiate, we're actually not doing anything significant. Yeah, I love that point there, it's great to have the skills, but you also need to know how and when to apply them. And you're empty, right, when it comes to negotiations, I think most people find it very uncomfortable. I often frame in the sense that negotiations involves a lot of rejection, you know, you're either being rejecting or have to reject others, and that means it gets quite personal on a personal level. So for you, is that different to the mediation side to being in a negotiation? So, Phil, I'm wondering if I could ask you to repeat that, because you didn't hear the garbage truck, but all I heard was the garbage truck. I could see in the background noticing, oh, that's great, that is, I can't hear what this side you say. No, I was saying it. Yeah, no. So what you were saying there, basically, is that negotiations can be quite emotional. There's a lot of motions in negotiations and the way that I have seen this and the way I express this people is that negotiation involves a lot of rejection, either you are rejecting one party or you're being rejected. And that's not something that we're comfortable with, we don't always like that. But of course, the more you can practice it, the more you can become more comfortable with it. So, would I be right in thinking that your book is providing various techniques, various approaches to being able to deal with that emotional side? Absolutely, and it looks at it in two different ways. One is how do you deal with those emotions in the moment? Because as you know, negotiations happen in moments, life happens in moments, and you can have a perfectly great negotiation and lose it in a moment. So, you have to learn how to manage moments. The other thing is longer term effects. There are some things that are more pervasive to me and how I negotiate. And those are going to impact my negotiations, not just in the moment, but in how I prepare, how I engage with the other party, the narrative I bring into that negotiation that impacts how I think and what I do. So, you have to be able to do both, but, you know, the first thing is you need to learn how to manage moments, because moments happen. And if we don't manage them, we just lose it. Well, you know, again, I can't disagree with that at all, because the whole premise of what we do at the negotiation club is to try and practice those moments. I always refer to them as the micro moments. So, for something for us to practice or to be focused on, is there a technique or is there something that you think we should, as practitioners, as club members or audience, we should try? So, the first thing I would say is that anything that happens to you, anything anybody says or does, any situation you walk into impacts you first on the emotional level. And emotions hit you very, very hard and very fast. And then they start subsiding. And meanwhile, your cognitive brain, the part that's going to figure out how to deal with the situation is slowly catching up. So, one of the things that you need to do is learn how to identify those moments faster to catch yourself in those moments of peak emotional response before you do or say something that you're going to regret. And fortunately, your body gives you some clues. Your heart rate goes up, your breathing changes, your muscles tense, some people tremble, some people feel hot, some people feel it in their stomachs, bitches, by the way, called having the collie wobbles. And the very British word as well, isn't it, the collie wobbles? It is, it is, it's an archaic British word, but I really like it. So, the point is, if you can become more aware and attuned to those things, when they happen, you can stop yourself faster. And then what you want to do is slow down time so you can respond rather than react in the situation. So, for example, I'm negotiating with you, and then your boss walks into the room, and all of a sudden my heart is racing, and your boss says, you have to give us a 20% discount or the deal is off. Now, in that moment of my heart racing, I might be panicked. I might be thinking I'm about to lose the deal, and then either I will say, sure, no problem, or I will say, you know, no way and lose the deal, or I will say, well, how about, you know, 10% and now I've compromised unnecessarily. Or I can notice that my heart is racing, and then slow things down so I don't respond until I'm in a better state of mind. And some things you can do to slow down are, first of all, just say nothing. I think you call it pause, right? If you're not saying anything at all, you're also not saying anything you're going to regret. I can think of so many times when I spoke in haste and regretted it. I can think of no times when I paused in regretted pausing. So, take a beat. Don't say anything, because I guarantee you, whatever you say 10 seconds later, will be smarter than what you would have said right now. I love everything you're saying there. The curious thing is, there's a couple of words you're picking out there. I mean, you're talking about speed, faster to respond, but slowing down, you know, 10 seconds immediately. So, it's all around the ability to manage the time in a negotiation, but the time in your head. And we get so reactive in that part of our brain, the emotional part of our brain, the amygdala is so powerful and so quick that we need to cognitively try to get ahead of it. So, to catch it before it catches us off guard. And, you know, we all can think of many times when we got caught off guard, something triggered us, and we did or said something that we regretted. And if we can prevent that, even some of the time, we're already doing better than we had done before. Right. Now, this is something that we can practice. Oh, absolutely. So, so. So, I'm thinking here, literally what you've kind of said there, which is the card, the negotiation card that we can use to practice is just titled, slow down. So, it's a reminder. So, again, when we have the card, we have the cards, we put them out. We have this one, which is to slow down. And the idea here is that we're not slowing down just because it says to slow down. It's to slow down with a purpose, which is to recognize your emotions at those moments. So, we know, because negotiations very much involves that, we know that we are going to get proposals, suggestions. We know that we're going to like some. We are not going to like others. We know we're going to get rejections. We know we're going to have to reject the others. And each time this is going to possibly raise our heart rates. Make us go down some particular tangible. So, for me, the card here is literally a note, slow down and possibly just internally. Organize it, internally visualize, internally understand what's going on here because of the collie wobbles. Right. You know how some email systems these days don't actually send out your email until 30 seconds after you hit send. To give you time to say, whoa, that's not what I really meant. This is what we're trying to do in our minds. We're trying to separate what's in our minds from what comes out of our mouth. So, if my first reaction is very powerful and emotional, and by the way, it doesn't have to be bad. It doesn't have to be, you know, rejection. One time one of my students walked into class and she said, I'm so embarrassed. I'm like, what happened? She goes, I got a job offer from a company I really liked and I got so excited. I said, yes, and I forgot to negotiate. She was planning to negotiate, but she got so excited in the moment. She just said, yes. That's a positive one. That's like the, that's a positive excitement. I mean, we always can talk about the negative, but we can suddenly think, oh, that's brilliant. Yeah, I have that. Yeah. Right. And she could and probably should have done better in that negotiation. Had she slowed down and said, thank you so much for the offer, paused and then said, well, would you consider the following improvements in the offer? And then they probably would have talked to her. They probably would have addressed, but she reacted too quickly and she didn't give herself that opportunity. Well, I like this on a number of levels because by purposely slowing down and just trying to take that pause, you're doing a self diagnostic. Okay. What's the emotions? What have I just heard? What am I going through here? Then you can think about the response. The other thing that you're doing, though, is you're creating a moment of silence, which often comes across as being particularly a confident person. Somebody who's in a negotiation and they can pause and they could take their time. The other party really is thinking, you know what? They know what they're doing here. So that slowing down actually does a an external factory really can actually give a very credible appearance on the other side. So long as you're not crying, I suppose, or, you know, you're not panicking as such. But it also allows you, if you're purposely doing it, also allows you to be listening more actively listening. And active listening is one of the main tools we can use to slow down. And, you know, in in Colli Wubbles, you know, chapter nine, I talk about the listening triangle, which is a tool for active listening and negotiation to draw out the other party's interest. But one of the things it does is it also slows down time. So if you said something that upset me in the negotiation, you said, no, we can absolutely not agree to this term. And it's a term that's very important to me. I can pause and I can say, so it sounds like this term doesn't work for you. Tell me more about why that is. And now you're talking, not me. While you're talking, I'm calming down, plus I'm learning useful information. And I just keep going doing that. Whatever you say, I listen to it, I reflect it back. I ask you another open end of question. And by the time I've done that for a few minutes, I'm back to steady state in terms of my emotions. I've learned some things that are useful for me going forward, and now I can devise a strategy and how to move the negotiation in my direction. So the activity itself is slowing down, buys you time, gives you that confidence. I also think what's interesting there is that at the beginning of our conversation, you talked about moments and I referred to them as micro moments. But the important thing here is that you slow down and it gives you a chance to think, what do I do next? What do I say? What technique should I use? Now, of course, some of those techniques are time driven. So you might need to use it very, very quickly. But the point is, is by purposely practicing, you are literally thinking not the immediate response, the emotional response is driving us. You're slowing down to pick the right response, and therefore slowing down is a really good technique to have before any other tactic. Before you use any other tactic, you slow down. Not everything will trigger you. There are times when someone says something and you have the perfect strategic response and you can respond very quickly. There's no categorical thing that says you shouldn't do that. The issue is that if you find yourself reactive, pretty much anything you do is likely to be regrettable. And that's what you're trying to prevent. Some people can't help themselves. But a practice can actually make a difference. And here's my point. If they can help themselves 5% of the time, they're doing 5% better than they would have done before they started practicing this. And you know what, that's better than they would have gotten otherwise. I'm a mentalist when it comes to these things. You don't fix yourself entirely. You do better than you did before. And that gives you the opportunity to keep working on it, keep getting better. Yeah, I think it's the first equalizer where he says progress, not perfection. Absolutely, the security guard is pulling on the progress, not perfection. That's all we want is progress, progress, progress, you know, you're not going to get perfection necessarily. I'm going to draw it to an end here. But first of all, I want to say a massive thank you. Okay, I mean, you know, you've been in this game for almost 30 years from 1995, 96, which puts me to shame. Fantastic book. I've read your book several times. And I think we'll probably do a few more bits with it as well. For our listeners, for our listeners, slow down. This is going to be our negotiation card. This is going to be something that we can purposely practice. I would highly recommend you actually have a look. Get hold of the book, Colli Wobbles as well, because I believe chapter two, chapter nine covered in those chapters. Chapter two, that's slowing down chapter nine is by listening. Brilliant. So it really is all. There's already a lot of information out there. But the fact is that when you get the card, you now know what you need to try and do in your practices. And the more you practice it, the better you'll get. So for those of you who are listening, if you do like this, give us a like. Do follow for more interesting techniques and tactics. And in the meantime, final words, Moshe. Well, you know, you read the book, you get some good information. And at the end of the day, doing something with it will involve practice. That's where the cards come in, and I hope you enjoy both. Thank you very much. With that, I say goodbye to everybody and keep on practicing. If you liked what you heard today, check out thenegotiationclubs.com, where you can find professional development courses, join negotiation club communities, purchase negotiation practice cards, get a private consultation, and more. Until next time, thanks for joining us and happy negotiating. [MUSIC PLAYING] (gentle music)
